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Bonus IMPROV - I Always Wanted a Dog · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  welcome to very fine friends welcome to very fine friends bonus improv until the end
• 0:22
  and i'm all strung out high as a cat it started to sound like blister in the sun
• 0:29
  Let me go out.
• 0:33
  Like I blessed our nation.
• 0:35
  The cans, I know you're the one.
• 0:38
  All right, Joe, can we get a suggestion?
• 0:40
  You sure can.
• 0:40
  Thank you.
• 0:42
  Your suggestion is oversensitive.
• 0:48
  Oversensitive.
• 0:54
  Is there anything you're particularly oversensitive about?
• 0:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 0:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 0:59
  um
• 1:00
  I'm sure
• 1:05
  yeah
• 1:06
  I
• 1:07
  I don't put myself in situations
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  where
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  those things can be like used against me usually
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  you know
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  yeah
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  like when I was younger and I didn't know I could do that
• 1:21
  yeah
• 1:22
  what about you
• 1:23
  I am and I realize
• 1:26
  this is not going to reflect well on me
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  or make me or my ego uh i i have a hard time being in like controlling myself if i if someone
• 1:41
  treats me like i'm stupid and then i immediately get like fuck you i'm smarter than you are shut up
• 1:48
  i don't think that makes you look bad at all i think it does because i should like let that
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  if you really were smarter than them you wouldn't care exactly so i feel sensitive about it
• 1:59
  because it's like i it's like a it's like a switch in my brain that i have yet to control
• 2:04
  it doesn't happen often and i think maybe that's why i i don't have control over it because i have
• 2:11
  very little like experience having to rein it in you know what i mean which is good i think but
• 2:17
  that you know people aren't treating me like i'm stupid a lot but when it does happen
• 2:22
  um yeah there was one time uh my sister and i were at a bar and uh there was this guy that was
• 2:33
  sitting next to us who was trying to hit on my sister and we were just like sitting there talking
• 2:38
  whatever but it was like it was i think it was national talk like a pirate day and he started
• 2:43
  he brought that up and started like bringing out like making all these pirate jokes
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  and like you know they're all like what's a pirate's favorite movie rating
• 2:53
  all right like it's all that and um and then he said uh what's what's a pirate's favorite element
• 3:06
  and i went argon and he goes he just goes no that a good guess but it actually gold because pirates like gold And I was like okay who the moron in this situation
• 3:23
  You are.
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  Or like, you're trying to hit on someone with pirate-themed R jokes.
• 3:29
  That would have pissed me off.
• 3:30
  It was like, but that was just more like, at that moment was comical
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  because the way he switched to treating me like a child is like,
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  no, good guess, but it's actually gold.
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  Do you think that is the joke?
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  Do you think?
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  No, he forgot argon was a thing.
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  It didn't cross his mind at all that there was a chemical element that started with R.
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  Like every other joke had been starting with an R thing.
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  This was the first one that deviated.
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  And he like legitimately was like, mm-hmm, like good guess, honey.
• 4:06
  Next time.
• 4:08
  Very good.
• 4:08
  Yeah.
• 4:09
  Yeah.
• 4:10
  Oh, man.
• 4:11
  So how did it end?
• 4:15
  He's that brother-in-law.
• 4:16
  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  He's family now.
• 4:21
  No, he asked us to watch his bags while he went to the bathroom.
• 4:27
  Then he came back and he was like, hey, to the bartender, he was like,
• 4:33
  thanks so much for watching my bag.
• 4:35
  I'm going to get you a drink for doing that.
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  And then he got a drink just for my sister.
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  And the bartender was like, that's such a shitty move.
• 4:41
  to like, to like buy a drink for just one person.
• 4:45
  And it was like, yeah.
• 4:47
  Yeah.
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  Like in a world where she might've been interested,
• 4:50
  that doesn't make you look good.
• 4:51
  Well, I know.
• 4:52
  Anyway.
• 4:54
  It's like when that guy bought breakfast
• 4:55
  for all the strippers and not me.
• 5:00
  So you started stripping and then he bought you breakfast?
• 5:03
  No, it was too late.
• 5:03
  I was already ready to eat.
• 5:05
  So you're just eating?
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  Pay for my own.
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  I'll still strip for you though
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  Anyway
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  So that's a time when someone treated me like I was stupid
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  But it was a really
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  At that point it was just more comical
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  It was like so funny that he
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  Just like
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  I was like
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  What?
• 5:25
  Yeah
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  Yeah that's funny
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  I mean not then but now
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  Yeah
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  Well I mean then it was kind of funny too
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  No
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  Good guess though
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  Yeah he did it in such a like
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  No
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  Like I'm gonna let you down easy
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  Like
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  I don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you that was the dumbest thing you could have said.
• 5:43
  Thanks for playing. I like that you tried.
• 5:44
  Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
• 5:47
  I know. You might as well have patted me on the head.
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  And now, improv.
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  You're going to like it here as my dog.
• 6:03
  What?
• 6:05
  You're going to love living here as my dog.
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  Okay.
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  And I'm going to train you properly.
• 6:14
  Great.
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  So please place your rear quartered legs upon the ground.
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  It's the fastest way I could think to say that.
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  Okay they on the ground Good Grand Can I ask what going on I always wanted a dog A dog that
• 6:47
  was smart.
• 6:54
  Okay.
• 6:55
  Okay.
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  Can't you just be a dog?
• 6:58
  This is weird.
• 6:59
  Okay.
• 6:59
  Well,
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  maybe on your Craigslist profile,
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  say,
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  I don't want to be a dog.
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  This is weird.
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  I got to say everything.
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  I don't want to be on my Craigslist profile.
• 7:08
  Well,
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  I'm just paying him for the hour.
• 7:10
  At least it's not sex stuff.
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  It's feels,
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  I don't know what this feels.
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  I just wanted a friend.
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  I just wanted to get to know somebody.
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  You can get to know me.
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  You can be my best friend.
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  My best friend.
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  Yeah, you put out an ad that said,
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  I'm looking for a best friend.
• 7:26
  I did.
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  Oh, I see now, man's best friend.
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  I did, you remembered.
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  Good girl.
• 7:30
  Okay, no.
• 7:32
  No, Tim, Tim, don't do that.
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  Oh, I'm sorry.
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  We're not there yet.
• 7:38
  No, we're not.
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  We won't ever be there.
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  This is not a good girl situation.
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  No, don't worry.
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  I've read all the books.
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  I know that once I put this collar on you,
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  I have to be able to slip two fingers between your neck and the collar.
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  No, I'm not wearing a collar.
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  What do you mean?
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  I'm not wearing a collar.
• 7:53
  Why?
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  Because you're an inside dog?
• 7:56
  No, because I'm an adult human woman.
• 7:58
  And what if you get out?
• 8:00
  Get out of where?
• 8:01
  I'm out.
• 8:02
  I'm out.
• 8:02
  I have a car.
• 8:03
  I drove here.
• 8:06
  Okay, quick question.
• 8:07
  Yeah.
• 8:07
  Did you want the clock to start from the moment you walked in?
• 8:11
  Or now?
• 8:12
  Well, now I want it to have never started all.
• 8:15
  I don't.
• 8:17
  Tim, we had some good text exchanges.
• 8:20
  I thought we had a good rapport.
• 8:23
  Yeah.
• 8:24
  And then I show up to your house.
• 8:27
  On two legs, I noticed.
• 8:29
  Yes, yes.
• 8:30
  I'm walking on my hinders.
• 8:32
  Yes, that's correct.
• 8:33
  Yeah, that's all I want.
• 8:34
  Okay.
• 8:35
  Yeah, that's all I want.
• 8:36
  Hey, how about a snack?
• 8:38
  All right.
• 8:39
  Yeah, I'm hungry.
• 8:40
  I thought.
• 8:42
  Oh, stop.
• 8:43
  No.
• 8:44
  What?
• 8:45
  What is it?
• 8:45
  No, no can opener.
• 8:47
  I know.
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  Whatever's coming out of the can.
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  I don't want it.
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  I love this.
• 8:51
  I thought it was.
• 8:51
  I think it meant like chips or something.
• 8:53
  Oh, no.
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  This is a nice pate.
• 8:54
  You like pate.
• 8:57
  No, that's a fancy feast on the side.
• 8:59
  It is fancy.
• 9:00
  It's $2.39 a can.
• 9:02
  No, no, no, no.
• 9:03
  I like pate on toast at a restaurant.
• 9:07
  Okay.
• 9:08
  I'm not totally against giving a little people food.
• 9:11
  Okay.
• 9:12
  Thank you for being generous.
• 9:17
  Look, I'm new to the city.
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  I'm trying to make friends.
• 9:20
  Can you just try and be cool for a little bit?
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  Remember, we were texting and we were talking about movies and stuff.
• 9:29
  That's right.
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  Here, let's just put on a movie.
• 9:33
  Great.
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  I love that.
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  All right.
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  I'm going to go to YouTube.
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  Eight hours of dog park.
• 9:40
  No.
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  What?
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  No, that's not a movie.
• 9:42
  Oh no, I thought it could go on in the background
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  while we talk.
• 9:45
  No.
• 9:47
  All right if it just background noise and we gonna be talking then that fine Oh I want to get to know you Okay great Great A little touching okay huh What Don stop
• 9:57
  Stop stroking my neck.
• 9:59
  What?
• 9:59
  I'll move on to your back.
• 10:01
  No, no, just stop stroking me.
• 10:03
  Oh, a hairless breed.
• 10:04
  Oh, okay.
• 10:05
  All right.
• 10:06
  I have the appropriate amount of hair in the appropriate places.
• 10:10
  Who are you trying to convince?
• 10:13
  Did you laugh like you're panting?
• 10:15
  Oh, you noticed.
• 10:16
  Yeah, I noticed.
• 10:17
  I've been practicing.
• 10:19
  You want to go for a walk?
• 10:21
  Sure.
• 10:22
  Oh, I'm sorry.
• 10:23
  Want to go for a W-A-L-K-A?
• 10:26
  No, I know how to spell walk.
• 10:28
  I know.
• 10:28
  I should have done it the other way first.
• 10:30
  I know.
• 10:30
  No, it's not that.
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  It's, I'm a human being.
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  I know that.
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  I'm a human being.
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  I'll be right back.
• 10:40
  My name is Jordan.
• 10:42
  You can call me Jordan.
• 10:44
  Not good girl.
• 10:44
  yeah uh let's use the restaurant i'll be right back
• 10:48
  oh she's coming down the street oh i'm so sorry i mean to interrupt your your date
• 10:54
  oh it didn't start i'm his sister oh hi nice to meet you i'm i'm jordan i'm it's not a date we
• 11:00
  were just like it's like a friend's thing i god this this warms my heart oh he probably wouldn't
• 11:07
  tell you this but his beloved dog recently passed oh no and he's been going through such a hard time
• 11:14
  Is that why
• 11:17
  Is he treating you like a dog too
• 11:19
  No
• 11:20
  He's been treating me like a dog
• 11:22
  Oh well that makes sense
• 11:23
  Why does that make sense
• 11:26
  Well
• 11:28
  He already knew me
• 11:30
  So that would have just been weird
• 11:32
  I guess good point
• 11:35
  Anyway
• 11:37
  Great to meet you
• 11:38
  Gonna go back up
• 11:39
  Hope to see you again soon
• 11:44
  Oh, hey, you could stick around.
• 11:46
  Oh, mac and cheese.
• 11:47
  Good call.
• 11:47
  Can't.
• 11:49
  I'm back.
• 11:50
  Hey, look, you're not having a good time.
• 11:52
  Maybe we should just call it.
• 11:53
  I can be having a good time.
• 11:55
  I want to go back to the Tim that I was texting with.
• 11:58
  Not the Tim that treats me like his dead dog.
• 12:03
  I talked to your sister.
• 12:04
  She told me.
• 12:06
  Wait a minute.
• 12:09
  Let me get this straight.
• 12:11
  Let's get to the roof of the matter.
• 12:13
  no okay
• 12:15
  that was just a fun one
• 12:17
  my sister came down and introduced
• 12:19
  herself yeah and told
• 12:21
  you about my dog yeah
• 12:23
  and you still can't
• 12:26
  pretend to be a dog
• 12:27
  that's why she did
• 12:30
  that
• 12:30
  wait a second
• 12:35
  wait a second
• 12:37
  you have
• 12:39
  you have bits of
• 12:41
  cheese around your mouth.
• 12:45
  Mac and cheese.
• 12:47
  Was that you?
• 12:49
  No.
• 12:49
  Did you come down the stairs pretending to be yours?
• 12:52
  Did you put a thing of curlers on your hair,
• 12:54
  Mrs. Doubtfire style?
• 12:56
  I'll kill you!
• 12:57
  Ah!
• 12:59
  Seed.