Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep. 68: From reverence to real - my unexpected journey into faith & a personal relationship with Jesus

Transcript

Ep. 68: From reverence to real - my unexpected journey into faith & a personal relationship with Jesus · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

0:00
All right, episode 68 adventures and adversity.
0:05
Welcome back super stoked to be bringing you another episode.
0:11
We're on a roll here every Sunday publishing an episode and
0:15
usually with a guest. But today I thought, you know
0:20
what? It was a good time to maybe
0:22
stop, reflect, take a chill and just kind of reflect on my own
0:29
journey. So if you're new here, thanks so
0:31
much for tuning in. However, you found us.
0:34
And this podcast is a collection of real true stories told by
0:42
real people about how they have turned life's adversity into
0:47
adventure. You'll see over the course of
0:51
now, this will be episode 68 that my guests have had, I think
0:57
it's 44 guests now. I've had a, a wild variety, wide
1:02
variety and wild of obstacles to overcome.
1:07
Some right away at it from a young age, some because of
1:13
traumatic events, some, you know, obstacles that you can
1:19
see, some that you can't. Mental health, physical health,
1:22
spiritual health, which we'll talk about today, and I'm just
1:26
continually amazed by the resilience people show and I
1:33
hope to be one of those people who is also resilient and I
1:37
think I'm I think I'm on my way. So episode 68, excuse me,
1:44
episode 68. We got the lighting coming in
1:46
from the wall. I got Game of Thrones target
1:49
chic here. Slash hair was bad slash let's
1:56
just go all black here. I'm actually in a very happy
2:01
mood despite my very Addams Family vibes, but rocking the
2:09
Serah Frederick lip gloss here. I just want to give a shout out
2:12
to Serah Frederick, a awesome female owned business in
2:17
Danville. She's a makeup artist.
2:19
So anyway, just maybe we'll throw a little something there
2:23
in a reel or something. OK, so back to it, Episode 68
2:28
again, just me on the mic keeping it real about the things
2:33
that I have learned about spirituality in the last six
2:37
months. I would say.
2:38
I mean, it's not. I mean, I guess my whole life
2:41
it's been a culmination of getting to this place where I
2:44
feel like I want to devote a whole episode to it.
2:48
But some shift happened in April when I went on a a women's
2:55
retreat April of this year. So seven months ago, I
3:01
experienced A transformative shift in my experience and
3:09
belief in God, what God is, who God is, what religion is, who
3:17
Jesus is totally new perspective and I'm just scratching the
3:24
surface. So that's I want to take you
3:28
through that journey just from my perspective as somebody who I
3:34
guess you shall call a baby Christian.
3:37
See, I just hit the thing on the thing.
3:40
OK, Before I go into my specific journey, I just wanted to
3:50
because this seems to be a good way to kind of level set when
3:53
we're talking about like these deep concepts like faith,
3:57
religion, all this stuff, right? So thank you Perplexity AI.
4:04
OK, I just want to get on the same page as far as like what
4:09
we're talking about when I say faith versus religion versus
4:14
spirituality. So faith, now we're pulling from
4:18
a very various sources here. Faith according to perplexity AI
4:23
here, is the personal trust or confidence in something bigger
4:27
than oneself, usually a divine presence or set of spiritual
4:32
truths. It is internal, subjective, and
4:36
often marked by hope or trust, even when proof is lacking.
4:41
I think that's the key for me when proof is lacking.
4:44
For example, faith might mean trusting that things will work
4:47
out or believing in a higher powers guidance, especially
4:52
during challenging times. OK so faith and I agree with
4:59
this definition here is does not have to do with a religion.
5:05
This is how I'm interpreting it here.
5:07
It is a belief in something bigger, something divine.
5:12
Not necessarily saying I'm this religion or that religion.
5:16
You can have faith without being religion based or religious.
5:20
OK, now religion again, perplexity AI here is an
5:27
organized system of beliefs, rituals and community practices
5:31
developed around faith in the divine or the sacred religion.
5:37
Now whether you're Jewish, Christian, Catholic, Lutheran,
5:44
Muslim, Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, Atheist, right,
5:51
religion provides structure, sacred texts, traditions,
5:56
ceremonies, and ethical codes for followers to express, share
6:01
and live out their faith as seen in Christianity, Islam, Judaism,
6:06
and other world religions. Bahai is another one.
6:10
I grew up with a a guy who's Bahai really nice guy.
6:15
Religion is communal and often shapes cultures and societies.
6:19
OK, so we've got faith, the personal trust or confidence in
6:24
something bigger than oneself. Religion, an organized system of
6:28
beliefs, rituals, and community practices developed around faith
6:32
in the divine. And you've got the different
6:34
religions now throwing in one more for you.
6:39
Rule of Three's spirituality is a broader, more individual
6:43
search for meaning, purpose, and connection to something sacred
6:47
or transcendent. While spirituality can exist
6:50
within religion, it isn't limited to religious context.
6:55
Many spiritual people don't follow a specific religion but
6:59
seek inner peace, self discovery, mindfulness, or unity
7:04
with the universe or higher consciousness.
7:08
OK so to kind of sum it up here, faith, here we go.
7:13
How it sums it up is internal and relational belief in
7:17
something bigger than oneself, often without proof.
7:21
Religion provides the communal structure.
7:25
This is really interesting. I'm kind of like learning as I
7:27
go here. And spirituality focuses on
7:30
personal connection and meaning, with or without formal religion.
7:35
Amazing. And just if you're curious, the
7:38
four sources, LinkedIn, editorsmagnify.com and leading
7:45
the way with doctor, Doctor Michael Youssef.
7:48
What's the difference between religion and faith?
7:50
He's a pastor. So lots of obviously you can
7:54
learn so much, but I'm I'm not here to just read AI
7:59
definitions. No, I'm just here to read AI.
8:03
Don't know, am I? No, I just like to set the
8:08
context of what we're actually talking about because I am
8:12
certainly no religious scholar. I am not.
8:17
I have a English and American Literature degree from 900,000
8:21
years ago, before the Internet. No and no.
8:26
I graduated in 2004. OK, and college doesn't mean
8:28
anything. So I mean it does, but it
8:30
doesn't. I digress.
8:33
I just wanted to set the context of what I'm talking about when I
8:36
say faith, religion, spirituality, before I start on
8:41
my little rant about my own personal journey.
8:46
OK, cool. I acted like someone's here.
8:49
I was like, OK, no, OK, so I also was just I have a little
8:58
some notes here guys. I'm just keeping it real.
9:01
I wanted to set that context and then after that, really just
9:06
kind of wanted to give my background.
9:09
And again, I don't, I don't know who this will help or if it will
9:14
help. I hope it will help, but it will
9:17
maybe help me to just figure out where I'm at and, and the
9:22
journey I've had. And I think talking about life
9:26
beyond every day is always a good exercise for like
9:29
perspective. So hopefully we'll both get
9:32
something out of it. OK, so I have, I was raised, I
9:38
am going to be 44 on December 6th coming up.
9:43
Loving it. Very, very grateful to be
9:47
healthy and alive. Grateful that my family's
9:50
healthy, grateful that everything is going well.
9:54
And I was raised Catholic in Southern California, grew up,
10:02
did communion, first communion, confirmation.
10:10
Yes, all the things baptism, first communion, confirmation,
10:14
CCD or catechism Rep, religious education program where you go
10:18
like once a week. We weren't like hardcore.
10:24
I wouldn't say we would go every Sunday.
10:26
We would definitely go on the holidays and then some Saturdays
10:29
too, because we've I played a lot of sports starting in like
10:32
7th grade and sports were on the weekends.
10:37
So a lot of times my dad would go early in the morning.
10:41
He was like an old school East Coast Catholic, Buffalo, NY 32
10:45
first cousins like that kind of Catholic where you're always at
10:49
church. But we just church was in our
10:54
life. But it wasn't hardcore.
10:57
And I just remember always having questions when I was
11:01
sitting there in the Catholic Church, like looking up at this
11:04
big beautiful mosaic. It's Saint John Newman in
11:09
Irvine, CA And just there was a picture of like Jesus on the
11:15
cross and then Jesus having risen and there was something,
11:22
it might chit again, something really compelling about when I
11:30
would stare at that from, let's see, age 6 to 18 again, not
11:37
going every single Sunday, but enough, you know, to be like a
11:40
practicing Catholic did retreats and all that and stuff.
11:45
But there was something magical, amazing, just I remember his
11:54
eyes like just feeling a connection.
11:57
And IA lot of times mass was, was long, it was very loud and
12:02
boring. It was long and boring.
12:04
But there were moments where the music like something would hit
12:08
me and I it would really resonate.
12:10
Or depending on the priest, there were some 2 priests,
12:13
Father Shuttler and Father Conlin, an Irish guy who just
12:20
made it real and connected with me and I would kind of perk up
12:23
and actually listen other than watching.
12:25
I remember literally staring at my watch being like just 'cause
12:31
it was very formal. And again, not knocking the
12:36
Catholic Church, I was raised Catholic.
12:38
I just found it a little bit buttoned up for me personally.
12:47
And there you go, I'm just being honest.
12:49
It's a free country. Again, no disrespect, I have
12:55
reverence for Catholicism. I just having just been sort of
13:00
baptized, not sort of baptized again 2 1/2 weeks ago through a
13:05
non denominational church that I went to, but at somebody's house
13:10
by a friend. I just connect a bit more with
13:14
more of the modern practices of Christianity and that's fine.
13:20
Everybody finds their thing OK all over the place, but that's
13:24
who I am and that's what you're used to here if you listen.
13:28
So raised Catholic, always had questions, just never.
13:38
I grew up thinking, wait a second.
13:40
And I remember, like for anyone listening, if you're Christian,
13:45
Jewish, Muslim, if and you know the the basics here, Jesus was
13:52
Jewish, right? And so again, I just want to let
13:56
you know I am relearning again. And so if I misquote anything
14:00
from the scriptures, please let me know in the comments or just
14:04
you know, God, please correct me.
14:09
Jesus was Jewish and I remember thinking when I was little, I
14:12
don't understand how Jesus was Jewish because did he not
14:15
believe in himself? Like why doesn't I didn't
14:19
understand it and I couldn't under conceptually understand it
14:23
and I didn't understand like why they hated him so much.
14:26
Like why do they care so much? Like I just I don't, I can never
14:30
understand. I could never understand still
14:33
can't the level of like hate where you just have to kill
14:36
someone like that. I just, I just don't care that
14:40
much what someone else believes to be true to to do that.
14:43
I just so I remember thinking that from a very young age.
14:47
Now I understand he was Jewish, He was the Messiah.
14:52
He was the one that came, if you believe, if you're Christian,
14:55
but the Jews were and still are waiting for more of like a
14:59
conquering king versus somebody who's they weren't the he
15:03
wasn't. What I've learned through my
15:05
very beginning Bible study is that they were expecting a
15:08
conquering king and he just wasn't what they expected, but
15:11
they do believe he was a great man.
15:14
Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyone who's Jewish who's
15:17
listening or just wants to correct me, go ahead.
15:20
I am open to learning again. Done, done, done a little bit of
15:25
research and couple Bible studies, but I'm very new on the
15:28
journey again, didn't like dive into the Bible growing up.
15:34
So my journey, like I feel like I had reverence, but I never had
15:41
this personal relationship that I've now realized in the last
15:44
six months that you can have with God and Jesus.
15:48
I did not know that. And I, I can't believe when I
15:51
say these words that I'm even the one doing an episode about
15:55
this, 'cause if you would have told me 10 years ago, 15 years
15:59
ago that I'd be doing an episode about my faith journey and how I
16:05
love learning about Jesus and going to Bible study and like
16:09
learning, I'd be like, what are you talking about?
16:14
I would, I'd be like, I mean, you're not going to do that.
16:20
Like that's a little cringy and extra and weird.
16:24
And to be honest, and again, I'm just going to keep it real.
16:29
In high school, I was friends with everybody.
16:32
Like kind of different crowds. You know, there's like the party
16:38
crowd, like the dorky crowd, the jock crowd, and, and I was
16:42
friends with everybody. It's kind of a floater.
16:46
There was a group, Oh my God, I keep hitting my there was a
16:50
group that people referred to as like the God squad.
16:55
And we, we sort of were like, what is their deal?
17:00
Like why are they so like the stickers with Jesus?
17:05
And like we just didn't understand and like I didn't get
17:09
it. It was like a little too much
17:11
for me. Well, turns out I get it now,
17:17
and I am not ashamed to admit that that I didn't understand.
17:26
I didn't understand what I'm now only beginning to understand
17:29
that when you find like a community and that community
17:35
wants to learn about God, wants to learn about Jesus, it changes
17:42
you. It changes you and you become
17:44
all those things that you said you would never be like somebody
17:48
talking about God all the time. Like I used to think that was
17:50
weird. I used to think it was weird.
17:53
OK, like don't try to convert me, which by the way, I don't do
17:58
that. I, I, I share my experiences.
18:03
If you're picking up what I'm putting down, great.
18:04
If you're not like you're not ready or you don't believe it
18:09
and that's fine. I wasn't always ready to hear
18:13
things about faith and spirituality as I am now, so
18:22
wanted to bye. My niece just left.
18:30
Just kind of like preface, a little bit of the background of
18:34
Ray's Catholic kind of like typical sort of did all the
18:40
things, you know, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, like, but didn't
18:44
have a deep connection. Really didn't like would pray at
18:48
night. And I remember praying and I've
18:51
always been very spiritual, but I did feel and do feel that some
18:59
practices in the Catholic Church.
19:01
Again, I can say this, I was raised in it, so don't be a
19:07
hater or be a hater in the comments.
19:09
So we'll talk about it. I'll take the engagement now.
19:14
It's cool. You, you can have your own
19:15
opinion. That's the beauty of this
19:16
country is you can debate religion, not get in trouble.
19:21
I think it's a little bit repressive for me.
19:26
I'm allowed to say that. And if you don't like it, maybe
19:30
you're repressed. It's just a little bit like
19:37
guilt based. Lot of guilt, lot of shaming,
19:45
you know, the good old Catholic guilt.
19:49
Not like I just, it's just a thing.
19:51
It's a real thing. I'm Irish Catholic, man.
19:54
It's a thing. Born again, baby Christian.
19:59
I'm everything I said I would never be and I'm totally cool
20:02
with it because. Softening me anyway.
20:10
So how did I get to this point? So I think my faith journey, I
20:14
would say like Catholic, I'd always joke around like fallen
20:17
Catholic. Just a lot of partying and
20:26
figuring out my life and my 20s and no church.
20:29
No, not that you need church but no spirituality.
20:32
Just trying, but like not having anything and just very like
20:39
following all my own desires and went through a situation with
20:51
narcissistic abuse, which I talk about on a couple different
20:54
episodes. Episode 29 with Professor
20:56
Vaknin. He's he wrote the book on
20:58
narcissistic abuse and he's a world famous guy.
21:02
Amazing, incredible interview, my most popular episode.
21:07
And then another episode I talk about just like suicide
21:11
awareness and my experience with suicidal thoughts and things.
21:15
And in this very room, June, June 2nd, 2023, that's when I
21:32
hit my lowest point after this narcissistic abuse situation.
21:36
Found out some crazy shit was like my reality is not what I
21:41
thought it was. And I remember being so broken
21:47
down that I felt for the first time open to like if there's a
21:53
God like please help me. Like being like help me.
21:57
Like I don't even know if you're real.
21:59
Like like it sounds so freaking cheesy, but it's true.
22:02
Like when you're you're really wit's end or you're like, I
22:04
don't want to do this anymore. Like I can't, I don't want to
22:06
face this. I don't want to untangle this.
22:07
This is too heavy. I'm sick of the shit.
22:10
It's like fucking Groundhog Day. I do remember feeling some sort
22:17
of like don't give up like and then friends came to me.
22:23
Like I feel like then God came to me through the people that
22:25
appeared in my life. And then we're like, hey, come
22:29
to this mothers Together group come to.
22:32
And I was like, and then people asking to pray over me, my
22:36
friend Michelle and me being like, OK, that's whack a doodle,
22:41
but go ahead in my mind and then crying because it was such a
22:44
nice gesture. And I'm like, if this is what
22:47
Christian is like, these people are really nice and really not
22:53
judgmental and they really want me to feel better, like, and
22:58
some of them barely know me. Like it was, you know, when
23:01
somebody really cares about you. And I will say that all of it.
23:06
I went from being raised with a relationship with God, like very
23:11
religion, Catholic, whatever to no no no relationship to hitting
23:17
my lowest point after narcissistic abuse.
23:22
And just like having no energy to like live and then being open
23:26
to people that wanted to talk to me about God because they knew I
23:30
was so excuse my French like fucked up and low.
23:35
And I was like sure, I'm down. Let's go to these little church
23:39
groups things. And like every one of them I
23:42
would start crying with some beautiful music or someone would
23:46
talk and then people I didn't even know would just like put
23:48
their arm around me or like hand me a tissue.
23:51
No judgement. And I'd be like, I'm sorry.
23:53
And they're like, girl, don't worry.
23:55
Like it was every. It was like I thought it was.
24:02
I had been avoiding these church groups because I thought it was
24:05
like going to be judgmental. I thought it was going to be
24:09
like, you know, just sort of like judgy and uppity because
24:19
some churches can be that way. Again, I can say that you've
24:23
been to some churches where you're like, this feels like a
24:27
fashion show or a it just feels phony, depending on where you
24:34
are. There's churches all over the
24:36
world that have and mosques and temples and that have problems
24:44
and people that aren't so nice. But irrespective of whatever
24:47
religion, there's like corruption for me.
24:53
We've been going to a few different non denominational
24:56
churches and I just love the music.
24:59
If you think I'm wackadoodle right now, totally fine.
25:03
If if any part of this might resonate with you, I'm telling
25:07
you. I was so low, guys.
25:11
I was really fucking low and there's something about worship
25:20
music that will change your life.
25:22
I'm telling you. Brandon Lake e-mail That was
25:29
God. Brandon Lake, CC Winans, Morgan,
25:36
Harper Nichols. There's just Forrest Frank.
25:41
There's really good music. Again, never thought I'd be
25:46
doing saying Christian music, but it's beautifully done.
25:52
The music industry is fucking nuts, OK.
25:56
I mean, all you have to do is go down a rabbit hole of that, how
26:01
evil it is. I'm sorry again.
26:03
I used to think people that said like some music was evil.
26:06
I thought they were like culty and weird, like, but some of the
26:11
music is really bad. And although like stuff you, the
26:14
rumors you hear about, like satanic stuff, I'm like, no, no,
26:19
I don't care. All right, I'm looking 27
26:22
minutes. Have I bored you yet?
26:24
And that's a yes. I would like to reference Sylvie
26:34
on episode 41 and then another episode recently, a couple
26:37
episodes ago. She calls herself a holy misfit.
26:41
And I was like, huh, I like that because I love and respect every
26:49
religion and would like and would like to and I definitely
26:52
do learn from every religion. At Ryan and my wedding, we had
26:55
Mormon, atheist, Catholic, Christian, Jewish.
27:01
Did we have anything else? I don't know.
27:07
I think but black, white, Asian, mixed I, I don't, I do not care
27:14
what anyone else believes. But I will tell you, I think
27:24
based on everything I'm reading, like actual historic evidence, a
27:32
lot of the Bible is being proven that historically there is
27:36
alignment. I am not shoving Christianity
27:40
down anyone's throat. I would just encourage you to
27:43
actually look because I used to think the Bible was an allegory
27:48
and I grew up Catholic. I was like, wait, it's real.
27:50
Like for real real. It's not just like a metaphor.
27:54
And then you like, go look, just look, dude.
27:58
Look at some of the the formations where they say angels
28:05
fell down and there's these rock like it.
28:07
I don't know, I here's what I got to do because I am clearly
28:10
not that person. I need to bring someone who
28:12
knows what they're talking about, about like theology,
28:16
someone from like a divinity school, someone who has a degree
28:19
in the stuff or is just knows what they're talking about to
28:22
talk about the history of how the Bible it's not just a fairy
28:28
tale. But that's another episode,
28:31
guys, back to me because I am self absorbed.
28:36
No, it's just my faith journey. And that's what this is about.
28:39
And I'm filling in the episodes with me talking because we've
28:42
had some amazing guests lately and I just would like to do a
28:47
quick reflection. And if you're explaining, you're
28:49
losing, my dad says, so stop explaining.
28:53
I did have an issue with how some things in the Catholic
28:57
Church were handled. We're going to be real
28:59
controversial now, but you just can't height abuse like that.
29:04
Like that ain't gonna fly. So sorry.
29:09
That pissed us off, pissed my dad off.
29:11
We gave money to the Catholic Church and we didn't give money
29:13
to that. You need accountability.
29:16
So that was some bullshit. So didn't leave the best taste
29:19
in my mouth there. Again, corruption.
29:22
Every religion, every church, every spiritual thing, every
29:25
corporation, there's corruption. But sorry, I'm like moving
29:28
around. For me, I've really enjoyed
29:32
exploring different churches in the area.
29:35
In the Bay Area, non denominational, Which other one?
29:42
Presbyterian. Yep.
29:46
I'll walk into a Catholic Church anytime.
29:48
Again. It's just the music and the
29:51
openness and the like. It feels more relatable.
29:56
There's women speaking too. I really enjoy the modern.
30:01
It's the music. Anyone want to challenge me in
30:05
the comments? Go to a service, listen to the
30:08
music and tell me you don't cry or feel some sort of spiritual
30:13
movement. I'm telling you, I don't know,
30:17
man. That's what got me.
30:19
So specifically, as I've been rambling here, my journey.
30:24
April was invited to a women's retreat.
30:27
On this women's retreat, I remember walking into the room,
30:30
it was a Saturday morning and I wasn't supposed to be there.
30:32
Was like last minute walked in and it was up at this place
30:38
called Mount Hermon in the Bay Area, kind of a just a spiritual
30:41
retreat place and about was it 3040 women aged 40 to 80.
30:47
I was invited literally walk in the room, they're singing like a
30:52
worship song with an acoustic guitar.
30:54
There's like coffee, like doughnuts, all sorts of stuff.
30:58
It's in this beautiful like mountain setting.
31:01
And I just feel this like wave. And I was like, whoa, these
31:08
people are really nice and I don't even know them.
31:10
Like I knew one that invited me one or two and the song was so
31:16
beautiful and I remember thinking I had had resentment
31:22
towards somebody in my life. I'm not going to name names.
31:26
And I remember within like 2 minutes of being there, I was
31:29
listening to music going this is beautiful.
31:31
And then there was like we're like looking up to the left side
31:34
of the room and seeing this Bible verse and then hearing
31:38
like a feeling not not something audible, but hearing a feeling
31:41
of don't be mad at him. You should just love on him.
31:52
And I was like damn emotional right away at that moment when I
31:56
was there. And this I just ended up staying
32:00
overnight at this retreat place and we ended up doing this hike
32:04
up to this cross where I at the time was like, I'm going to
32:09
forgive somebody, the narcissist in my life who had basically
32:13
caused my personal breakdown. Although, you know, I play a
32:18
part and everything too. So was a part in my personal
32:21
breakdown. I take accountability, no
32:24
victims. I wanted to forgive her and
32:28
leave it at the cross. And someone encouraged me to do
32:31
that. And like these women prayed over
32:34
me and like told me how awesome they think I am.
32:38
And it was awesome. And that was the beginning of
32:41
like, wait a second, you guys go to church?
32:44
I thought, you're going to judge me and be like uppity and
32:47
churchy and weird and like, you can't ever have fun or have a
32:52
glass of wine because I'm like, I'm going to have a glass of
32:55
wine. And they were like, it's OK.
32:57
I'm like, OK, So I was like, we can hang.
33:03
And that was seven months ago. Got baptized 2 weeks ago.
33:08
So I can tell you that started going to church was like, who am
33:13
I? What am I doing?
33:14
It felt weird at first. I'm like, hey, this isn't a
33:16
Catholic Church. Is this weird?
33:17
And I'm like, no, God's cool. He understands.
33:21
He just wants to hang out with you, whether or not you go to
33:23
church or he just wants to like spend time with you Again, I
33:26
used to think that's so weird. What do you mean spend time with
33:29
God? What does that mean?
33:30
You can't see God? What does that even mean?
33:32
Like that's weird. I get it now.
33:34
You know what it means. Here's what it means, what I'm
33:37
learning. You can pray with your eyes
33:42
closed. You can take a walk and like say
33:44
something out loud and pray. You can think of all the things
33:46
you're grateful for. You can like meditate on God,
33:50
meaning like just lay there and listen to music and think about
33:53
God And, and like that's spending time.
33:57
It's not necessarily being in a church or being in a Bible
34:00
study, although I will say I love being in a Bible study and
34:03
I really enjoy church having gone in a little bit, but I
34:07
don't, you don't need to go to a church to be connected to God
34:12
again. I really enjoy it, but I don't
34:15
always go like religiously get it.
34:19
And I kind of felt weird. I was like, oh, I've been
34:21
baptized. I was Catholic.
34:23
Why am I getting baptized again? That's weird.
34:26
I'm like, no, it's just an outward declaration of like your
34:30
faith. And for me, it's, I think it
34:34
was, I'll not think it, it was a symbolic letting go of that
34:39
narcissistic abuse situation, literally leaving in the water.
34:44
And I think it really cooled off the anger of that.
34:47
And it's now on to this next phase of like, I want to learn
34:51
about what being a Christian is again, guys, I'm sitting here, I
34:56
have a little glass of champagne.
34:58
Like, come on, it's fine. You don't have to be square to
35:02
be Christian. Again, maybe I'm going to get
35:04
some hate in the comments. I don't know.
35:06
Maybe people won't even listen. There's gonna be no hate because
35:09
there'll be nobody holy misfit like Sylvie said.
35:15
Or just, again, I don't know if religion is for me.
35:20
I do think Christianity and this guy named Jesus, who is our
35:28
savior, If you're a Christian, you believe that.
35:33
It was an incredible person who came down and I'm fascinated to
35:37
learn more about him. And again, I'm so at the
35:40
beginning, so I don't want to sit here acting like I'm a
35:44
pastor. I am not OK, no shit.
35:52
But I just wanted to speak freely about God, especially in
35:57
a time where Christians are being persecuted in Nigeria.
36:01
Christians are being just, I guess, everywhere.
36:04
Jewish people are Muslim people. You should never be persecuted
36:11
for what you believe. If you are violent, that's a
36:15
whole different story. But there's wackadoodles in
36:17
every religion. And I just want to, like I said
36:23
in my initial episode, I want to be part of the conversation
36:27
where we openly talk about religion and like, I would love
36:30
to get guests on here or like you have an atheist on here,
36:33
have someone who's Muslim, someone who's Jewish and like
36:36
talk about it. It's not, it's the beauty of
36:39
this country, right? Cheers.
36:48
I don't want to take too long for this episode, but I do want
36:50
to say because I'm not that interesting, but God is
36:54
interesting and I hope that maybe something good has come.
37:00
If if you believe in the Holy Trinity of like the Father God
37:06
the Son, Jesus come came down as man and the Holy Spirit.
37:11
I learned in Bible study the Holy Spirit is actually Jesus
37:14
says in Christianity. Again, if you believe this, if
37:17
you don't, that is your prerogative.
37:19
Beautiful country that you can believe what you want.
37:22
I would encourage you to look into it because I do believe
37:27
that it that something's going on with my soul, with Jesus.
37:31
So just stay tuned. I'm just beginning.
37:33
All the bad parts of me are going to be gone soon.
37:37
There's something to following him and it's like this like
37:41
dialogue now this personal dialogue I have.
37:44
It's crazy. Then you like get answers.
37:51
So to wrap it up, I want to say one story, 2 stories.
37:57
One of them I've never told anyone, which is kind of
37:59
interesting. I'll save that one for last.
38:01
You got to wait four more minutes.
38:05
In January I had published episode 29 with Professor Sam
38:10
Bachman. He is like the coin to the term
38:13
narcissistic abuse. He is a self aware diagnosed
38:19
narcissist. He wrote like a 12th edition
38:22
manual. It's literally this thick called
38:24
malignant narcissism. The self revisited.
38:28
It's like this. It's like literally the, the,
38:32
the, the handbook on narcissism. Anyway, the episode that I, I
38:38
interviewed with him had like 40,000 views.
38:40
That kind of went virally for me.
38:42
That was a lot. And so I started having these
38:44
tremors because I had talked about the situation with the
38:47
narcissist and I was like freaking out.
38:49
It was weird because I found out things about narcissists and
38:53
that she might be a psychopath. And I was like, Oh my God, went
38:57
to get this Reiki treatment, Reiki Reiki because I was having
39:01
tremors for two weeks where I was just kind of like I was
39:05
flashing back to all this weird stuff.
39:06
Long story. Anyway, I went to this treatment
39:10
and I don't even know if you're supposed to do that in
39:12
Christianity. I did it whatever because my
39:15
body was just freaking out. And it's like this energy
39:18
treatment where this lady just kind of like tries to help you
39:21
heal and calm down. And I remember laying there and
39:24
I was just telling my friend Jalisa at when I was getting my
39:29
eyelashes done earlier and I actually just felt it again.
39:32
That's crazy to my left side. I sort of felt this presence
39:38
when I was laying on the table, I swear to you.
39:41
And I just felt it again when I closed my eyes, like this little
39:44
bit of presence where I felt like somebody was sitting next
39:47
to me on the table when she was doing this energy stuff.
39:51
I was so stressed out by this video and like worried about a
39:56
reaction from her that I was like shaking and like, she was
40:00
doing this. And I felt this presence to the
40:03
left. This was in January.
40:06
And then I had a vision in my mind, not like seeing in the
40:09
real air of. Sound like a wackadoodle.
40:17
That's OK though. I'm just telling you what I saw.
40:20
Oh my God, I had a vision of Jesus holding me and I was
40:30
wearing this blue track cover thing that I had bought when I
40:35
was with that narcissist. And so I was wearing that
40:38
sweater, and it's. I was carrying it.
40:42
I was wearing it. And he was carrying me into the
40:44
distance and it like, into like, clouds.
40:51
This sounds nuts. I sound nuts, but I swear it
40:57
happened. Yeah.
41:00
That was January. And I feel like I was, like,
41:02
having this trauma response to this, like, fear of a reaction.
41:08
And maybe that was a way of God telling me that like I got you
41:14
and and everything turned out OK.
41:19
And then there was one other time and then I'm going to wrap
41:22
this up and then I'm going to really sound like a whack a
41:25
doodle after this one. Probably sounded like that on
41:28
episode 1, but never even told my husband never told anyone
41:36
this one. So, and again, I don't even
41:40
know, hopefully this aligns with the faith journey thing.
41:42
These are just experiences that have helped me like continue
41:44
along my faith journey. I don't know if this episode has
41:47
any thread or can like continuing vibe of like actually
41:52
helping, but it's helpful for me and hopefully it's helpful for
41:55
some person out there. I was in our apartment 2013 in
42:02
downtown San Francisco on Beale and Bryant St.
42:06
I was working for Oracle. I was, I would work at like our
42:10
counter. I worked remote two days a week.
42:12
This was like before the remote life and I was working on a
42:21
blog. I was started a blog then called
42:24
Find perspective.org. It's not available anymore.
42:27
But it was about real stories, real people and true stories.
42:31
Funny how that worked in 2012. And I had like 50 blog posts.
42:37
I've done a few of them as like episodes and I kid you not, I
42:43
swear to you, please, I'm telling the truth.
42:47
I was standing there at the bar counter on my laptop and I like
42:52
look to the left and we lived right under the Bay Bridge, not
42:59
under the Bay Bridge, lived under the bridge in a building
43:06
right near the Bay Bridge. And it was like really fun to
43:09
live downtown like that. Like kind of high rise.
43:12
We were, you know, Dinks, double income, no kids dinks.
43:19
And I just remember like that was when I felt very inspired
43:25
and I was writing about people going through adversity and true
43:28
stories. And I like, look to my left and
43:35
here comes wackadoodle moment #2 a really bright light.
43:40
I swear to you stood, stood shined on my face from the
43:47
window. It never did that.
43:49
There was literally like a, a really bright light shining.
43:57
There's it, it that never happened.
43:59
That never happened. I work from home all the time.
44:00
It never happened where all of a sudden you look to the left and
44:03
like a bright light like like alien abduction, bright light on
44:10
my forehead. I swear.
44:12
Oh my God, bro. I wish I could take a lie
44:13
detector, but I was like, now looking back, I'm like, what was
44:18
that? And I was doing connected about
44:21
like writing about adversity and like felt very, I don't know,
44:26
maybe it was just a reflection of something or maybe it was the
44:30
Holy Spirit knocking on my door And I didn't listen for many,
44:34
many years because I like to learn the hard way.
44:42
There's this Jason whatever meme where he's like or GIF he's
44:47
like. But no, I don't want to learn
44:50
the hard way anymore. I want to learn the God Jesus
44:54
way. And apparently the Bible has
44:57
everything you need as far as lessons.
44:59
I'm dusting it off. I've read a few pages.
45:02
I am a baby when it comes to the Bible.
45:05
But you know, by episode #500 I'll be like, you know, I'll be
45:10
like a pro podcaster, podcaster, pastor, bro.
45:17
No, I'm not a pastor. I'm, I'm definitely not.
45:21
But I just really am inspired by people who talk about their
45:23
experiences, hence the podcast. And I know pastors talk a lot
45:28
about their experiences, which I know priests don't really do
45:32
that kind of want to know, like your story, you know, and what
45:36
you've been through. So Jesus went through a lot of
45:39
adversity. Every kind, every emotion came
45:43
down to live as a human, to experience that.
45:46
So I'm just learning that it's not about religion.
45:51
It's about a connection with a divine source.
45:54
And I believe that Jesus did come down as man to try and
46:00
people are like, oh, why didn't God just calm down and show
46:03
himself then if he's real, it's like, well, he did and and you
46:07
killed him back, back in that whole passion of the Christ.
46:12
Just great movie. By the way, any who I've either
46:16
lost followers or you know, no, it's fine.
46:19
I just wanted to share my story, my testimony, a little bit of
46:24
it, having just gone through some really dark anxiety, self
46:30
loathing, regret, disbelief, shock, abuse, recovery.
46:38
And that the closer I move to people who are searching for a
46:45
relationship with God, whatever that religion might be, whether
46:49
you're Jewish, Muslim or not, even a religion, you just want
46:53
to be connected to something divine.
46:56
Those are my people. So if that's you and you're at
47:00
the beginning of your journey, join me in the very beginning of
47:03
mine. I don't know anything, and this
47:07
has been a complete waste of your time.
47:09
No, I'm kidding. I hope that you got something
47:13
out of it. I think I did.
47:14
I'm gonna listen to this and be like, what the hell are you
47:17
talking about? No, it's been a journey.
47:20
I would say 2 1/2 years from when I was like broken down on
47:24
the floor dying in misery after narcissistic abuse, started to
47:29
be open to the idea of God and then in the last seven months
47:33
really open to the idea of God. Like working Bible studies.
47:37
Then in the last 2 1/2 weeks got baptized and still been
47:41
struggling with my stuff. Though it doesn't mean like it
47:45
just means I know I'm not alone. I know that when I talk to and
47:51
pray to some God that I can't hear, I feel that.
47:57
I feel that there is something. And I do believe, like when I
48:04
wear this cross, I do feel strong and Christian, really
48:11
good Christian people don't judge.
48:13
They don't, I mean, they hold people accountable.
48:16
Accountability, I think is different from judgement.
48:19
Like we're all human, we all make mistakes, but you got to
48:25
take accountability, forgive yourself, forgive others working
48:29
on that. And then just try to live in
48:33
what my friend Sylvie calls the Christ consciousness doesn't
48:36
mean going to church or religion.
48:38
I think it's that is my goal, Christ consciousness.
48:42
Thank you, Sylvie, love that and God bless y'all.
48:47
It is Sunday dinner time. You're going to go have some
48:49
pizza. I'm going to send this to Julian
48:52
and I hope you got something out of it.
48:54
And I hope I'm going to leave you with a little adversity
48:57
related Bible scripture here because that's what this podcast
49:01
is about. OK, count it all.
49:06
Joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you
49:10
know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness,
49:14
and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be
49:18
perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
49:21
That is John 1633 Bible and then here we go, Joshua 19.
49:29
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be
49:33
discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever
49:35
you go. And again, how do you know God
49:38
is with you? For me it's a feeling you can't
49:41
see it. For me, it's like the people he
49:44
sends me or the songs I hear right when I need it.
49:46
I do think, sounds cheesy as hell, but I do think God works
49:50
for people in science. And if you're open, one more.
50:00
Here we go. This is Philippians 412 through
50:05
13. I know how to be brought low and
50:08
I know how to abound in any and every circumstance.
50:12
I've learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger,
50:15
abundance, and need. I can do all things through Him
50:18
who strengthens me. All right, I'm going to end on
50:23
that. Beautiful, beautiful, just
50:25
beautifully written. The Bible in itself.
50:27
If you love beautiful writing, read it and see what you think.
50:30
Apparently, it transforms you when you read it.
50:33
It is like a living thing. I'm learning.
50:36
All right, take care. God bless and hope to do another
50:39
episode with people who know what they're talking about and
50:43
maybe we can get into the history of the Bible and some
50:44
really interesting historical stuff.
50:47
Take care.