Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 73: choose connection over perfection 🥰

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73: choose connection over perfection 🥰 · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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  Hello my darling my angel my love I missed you even if we've never met before I missed
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  you because our souls were meant to meet we call each other in and I'm so grateful to
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  be with you in this moment welcome or welcome back to the soul salon a soulful place
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  of feeling place a healing place for the feelers for the dreamers for the healers I am so
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  grateful to have you with me today and my aliveness is trying to touch yours and that's the
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  point of all of this and that's exactly what I want to ask you my loves my angels my darlings
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  are you reaching for perfection when life is asking you to reach for connection oh my goodness
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  let's it with that for a second in what moments of your life in what pursuits in what happenings
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  in what projects in what conversations experiences in this unfolding of life are you reaching for
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  perfection when what you could invite yourself to do when what life is always doing is reaching for
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  connection in every leaf there is the whole universe the water that allowed it to be so the
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  soil the air the oceans everything being won everything is part of everything and so life in
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  and of itself is connection sometimes as artists as creators we ask ourselves like what's the
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  point of making this what's the point of making this video what's the point of writing this poem what's
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  the point of writing the subset we get the idea we're so excited we're like yes this could be so
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  amazing and then we sit down and we face discomfort and it's uncomfortable and we're like you know
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  what's the point what's the point like why do this it's just one essay it's just a subset it's
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  just a this it's just a poem it's just an email it's just an invite that someone's probably
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  going to say no to but my loves my darling's my angels imagine all of life asked itself that
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  question imagine the cells in your body tiny as they are asked you know what's the point what's
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  the point of showing up today what's the point of my to count I don't I don't my biology doesn't
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  go very far but what is the point of this little act that I'm being asked to do what is the point
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  of a leaf what is the point of a twig and yet how could we have all of it if we didn't honor the
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  sacredness of some of it how could we truly say we care about the body if we don't care about the
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  cell how could we truly say we care about the tree if we don't care about the leaf so anyone in
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  our community who needs to hear this sometimes we miss the point by asking ourselves what the point
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  is what if the point is something far beyond your understanding far beyond your ability to perceive
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  you know sometimes you'll listen to a podcast and the creator will think this was the point of
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  this episode and you might hear one sentence they say that you run with you journal about it you
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  think about it maybe that turns into a whole movie you know metaphorically or actually so I just
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  want us to surrender the point share your aliveness isn't that the point of it that something is
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  alive in you and seeking to be expressed through you and let that be enough let the desire be
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  enough let the urge be enough let the impulse itself be enough the what if what if I wrote about
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  this you know I had this idea for an essay that was meant to be on sub-stack and it was going to
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  be all about the alchemy of grace you know this notion that as you get older and older and we're
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  all the oldest we've ever been and the youngest we will be again so this is all just saying in this
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  life unfolding we are invited so often into the question of do I have the grace to hold this
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  friendship lightly do I have the grace to sustain what this relationship is asking of me and so
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  often you know what's so funny my loves do you know that a lot of people think that the biggest
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  regret in the world is not living a life that's true to yourself and that comes from the book the
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  five regrets of the dying they did this global regret study and I'm not one to be like but actually
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  there's a study but like I found this very fascinating because it shifts the focus from individualism
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  to collectivism they did this global regret study and there's a book that I read called the power
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  of regret and the number one regret that they've studied across the world is lost connections
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  and the three words that that author offices always reach out people regret that they did not reach
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  out they did not reach for they allowed a relationship that mattered to them to fizzle away
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  they held on to rifts for too long is that a word they held on to these tensions these meaningless
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  conflicts and then maybe the person got sick or maybe they got sick and suddenly none of it mattered
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  so people's biggest regret at the end of life is that they didn't reach out and as artists we
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  are the reaching out we are the offering we are the offering of connection how many of us had we
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  not had music to cry to to sing to to dance to our experience of breaking up with people or going
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  through these deep painful losses and griefs and twists and turns of life had we not been able to
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  reach for the music that was offered to us and that singer went to some of their most painful moments
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  and they turned it into a song and the movie maker reached into their own history of I've watched
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  sinners recently and I'm obsessed and I'm going to watch it again this weekend but had Ryan
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  Kugler not been able to look into the depths of himself his own history as an African American person
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  his own shame when he shares his story I've been binging his interviews around how he was so focused
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  on work when his uncle was sick and dying and he wasn't able to witness and be with his uncle
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  in those last years of life had he just pushed that feeling away there would be no sinners but he
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  went into the feeling he reached for connection through the feeling and he shifting culture as he
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  continues to do and so I want us all I don't even know where I was was but I want us all to reach
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  for each other and to surrender the points to someone else's concern what is the point of this
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  video do you think I know the answer to that or do you know the answer because this is an offering
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  this is me reaching for you and you get to decide or it gets to be decided through you you know
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  someone who I found recently who I felt so moved by is Michael Beckwith he's a spiritual teacher
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  and he's just like you feel into his vibration and you feel love like you feel like this is a
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  person who loves me and it's the most incredible feeling and something that he says that I love
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  is thinking about there is infinite good that wants to use you as a means like you are a vessel
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  something is trying to unfold through you and there's this process of surrender for you to
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  allow it to happen
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  and so in those same moments where you've been conditioned to say well I only get to do this
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  if it is perfect or if it is excellent so many of us you know as a black creator as a black
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  woman creator we've been given the idea that excellence is what makes it worth it right like we
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  point to people's excellence as justifying the whole story of unfolding and as black people
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  as brown people as women as people I feel like whoever you are this feeling of being conditioned
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  into believing you have to be perfect has touched you whoever you are and is affecting you
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  and is shaming you out of your truest expression and I invite us to say that and to feel into the idea
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  that there's something very alive about choosing connection is perfection the most alive ideal it
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  feels a little bit dead it's been given to us it's not something we chose when we were little
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  children we didn't say I have to sing the song it perfectly or I'm not going to sing
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  so it's not the most alive part of us yet connection is alive and something that I'm so
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  grateful for culturally is that my culture has taught me connection and I'm in the process of
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  finding my way home to my own language Zulu easy Zulu and I'm trying to do it this time with levity
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  with reverence with love because so often I've focused on how I'll never be perfect there's so
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  much to learn and I'll never be good enough for it to not be noticeable that it's not my first
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  language so that I can avoid the shame of being judged by people for speaking it with an accent
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  quote unquote and I've let that perfectionism block me from the connection that this language is
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  that the connection that that is the point is that I get to connect with this language and therefore
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  with myself I get to connect through this language please part in the background noise
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  like this language is connection so if I say no but I'm only going to do this perfectly I'm blocking
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  myself from the deep connection that is trying to be possible through the language and one of the
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  shames you can feel when you're learning your own languages your own people might make fun of you
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  if you say things a certain way but what I've realized is that is the language trying to protect
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  itself because the language has been so intruded upon and so attacked but it stayed resilient and
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  strong it stayed spoken by millions of people and I think part of that intelligence is protecting
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  itself from intrusion and Lord's painful to be on the receiving end of that I've now depersonized
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  it it's like not about me the language is an aspect of life from a perspective of the universe
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  what's the difference between a leaf and a language between a forest and a language
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  between the oceans and a language like language is life stories are life they're alive and so
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  the language as a form of life wants to keep living and it's doing what it feels it needs to do
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  to keep living so instead of me focusing on how I can reach for the language perfectly
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  I can find the beauty in the reaching itself and something so beautiful that I find because
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  a language is a lineage that so many things I'm now noticing about Zulu as a language
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  I've grown up like hearing it I took it in school I'm familiar with it I just I'm not like
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  fluent in it and my perfectionism is like you have to be perfect at this language to be worthy
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  of even speaking it and then therefore I never try so what I'm doing now is I'm coming to it not
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  with a perfectionistic mindset with a mindset of if I learn one thing today but also with the mindset
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  of desire and like not sure to obligation but reverence like this is an amazing language
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  it's lyrical it's melodical it's dramatic hmm it's dramatic it's vocal like the verb the vowel
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  sounds are very like powerful it's expressive oh my god it's expressive and when I list those
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  things I have chills because I am those things and that's not an accident my grandmother is those
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  things my mother is those things and so even though I didn't grow up speaking the language the language
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  grew up speaking me and you know my ancestors I have opened up that portal and they've said to me
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  all we want to see Uguzi Uya Zama you are trying you are trying like you are trying to come
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  home to us that's all we want to see we don't care about this accident that accident all we want
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  to see is that you are trying and they said to me why do you think we gave you a voice that rose
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  it's because we want you to speak we want you to be heard and actually we want you to have lost
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  this language so that you can find your way back to it and so they want me to reach for connection
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  they don't care about being perfect at this time they want me to reach for them through the language
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  because the language I think there's a quote I don't know who it's by is a world
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  it's a world of history and culture it's a world view as well a language communicates a world
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  view is a world view communicates how elders are regarded communicates what it means to acknowledge a
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  person and so what I'm really feeling into my darlings my loves my angels is that in the moments
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  where you have been conditioned for example let's say you see someone from across the room you
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  want to say hello to them but you don't know what to say you've been conditioned to believe it's
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  better to analyze and sit in that not knowing and fixate on it what would I say what would I ask
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  I don't know the perfect question if I ask him where they're from that so small talk and I don't
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  like small talk but I also can't ask them what's the biggest regret in life and so you reach for
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  perfection and what if you just reached for connection connection can hold mistakes connection can
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  hold awkwardness it is not the most awful thing in the world to be awkward I've been really accepting
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  my own awkwardness like yes that's a part of life this pause that feels like it's too long
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  stuttering this muttering whatever this is it is all part of life and there's so many times where
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  for example when someone is grieving someone we don't know what to say we reach for perfection what's
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  the perfect thing to say we come out blank there is no perfect thing to say so then what do we do
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  maybe we change the subject because it's uncomfortable maybe we don't ask them how they're doing
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  because we don't know if it's a good enough question we don't know how to ask what to ask so
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  instead of reaching for connection with them imperfectly we reach for perfection
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  with ourselves maybe we're trying to form a habit a ritual routine we say I want to write morning
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  pages and she says in the artist's way it has to be three pages and yet I resist even writing
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  one sentence but imagine how that one sentence would have allowed you to connect with yourself over
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  time if you wrote one sentence a day over a year how much connection with that unfold through and
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  for you so my loves my angels there's something I sing to myself and I'm sick and I haven't warmed
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  up my voice but I sing to myself again and again today I am choosing connection
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  over perfection today I am choosing connection over perfection today I am choosing connection over
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  perfection so share that essay or write it and let yourself connect more deeply with reality through
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  it know that all of this is a gift of our aliveness that we get to create we get to speak we get
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  to converse we get to ask a question that feels awkward or clumsy we get to reach for each other
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  we get to apologize and we may not have the perfect words aren't those the most honest apologies
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  when you can tell someone is trying but they don't have the words and the tears come and their voice
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  breaks it's so deeply honest and reverent and meaningful what areas in your life are asking oh my
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  word texting how often when we don't have the perfect response do we avoid the text we get the
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  text it feels so good maybe to be thought of or be reached for and then we start typing and we're
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  like oh that's not good enough or like no I'll wait till the moment where I can truly respond
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  from a reflective pace now that can be beautiful but sometimes then we let wanting the perfect
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  response stop us from responding at all so today I am choosing connection over perfection
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  I do this so often with all of my drafts could have created connection for people my drafts
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  of sub-sac my drafts of TikTok but I reached for perfection why because of ego protection
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  of not wanting to be humiliated of not wanting to be judged of not wanting to feel into my own
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  conditional self-worth so I avoid it when we just save it to drafts I don't have to confront
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  myself and what I actually feel about myself and the ways that my own self-love is lacking
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  so when we are reaching for connection I invite us to see that
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  it's loves invitation like I've said that every creation is loves invitation what does it mean
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  if I ask this question and the person rejects the question can I not make their rejection mean
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  confirmation of my own worthiness can I treat myself with unconditional love instead of shame
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  can I treat myself with reverence regardless of what comes next and part of why I believe I
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  continue to feel shame in my creative process is because I'm supposed to be a vessel
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  for its communication be a vessel for its connection I meant to feel this so that I can be
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  and give and support the voice of it not in a self-martidim way but I just I feel the sense that
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  it's not a better outcome for me to have overcome these fears it's actually that is my powers
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  and artists just like imagine there was no musician who went through heartbreak or they just
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  didn't feel the heartbreak they wouldn't be the musicians we know them to be so it's like
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  as artists as creators as visionaries as makers we feel so deeply
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  and our feelings on never an accident because the collective gets to feel and connect through us
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  I'm so grateful that I reached for you today instead of my own perfection instead of my
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  fixating on what if I don't have the right words what if it's another time where I start the
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  recording and don't finish it and when I'm asking my future self who is going to look at this video
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  edit it and analyze and judge and criticize it is we're enough we're enough my love we're
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  enough as we are and we don't know the point we don't know what three words from this will actually
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  truly touch and reach someone we're so majestical we could never know how or why
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  but create the surface area of connection and allow the magic turnfold allow your medicine to
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  go beyond your ability to conceive or understand exactly what it is I'm so grateful to you my loves
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  thank you for witnessing me thank you for being with me thank you for listening I'm so excited
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  for all that is unfolding and I'm just grateful to be in this exact moment with you I'm sending you
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  so much love I'm reminding you of your eternal sacredness I'm reminding you that even though you
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  have dreams and goals and desires and hopes and wishes just as you are you are more more more than
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  enough and I'm inviting you and inviting myself into the question around that question of regret
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  who could you reach out to who could you make amends with who could you hold with grace
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  who has been trying to reach out to you I know I have a few people that I need to take the time
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  to reach for connection with and through and I know that there can be resistance we all want
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  community just like we all want love and love and community ask of us and sometimes what they ask
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  feels really uncomfortable it's uncomfortable to respond to a text and admit that it's been
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  months or weeks or days and you feel ashamed of that it's uncomfortable to apologize it's uncomfortable
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  to reach out to someone again when you feel like you were the last person who reached out but my
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  loves something I ask myself is if I were dying or if they were dying would I reach out
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  if their parents were dying or if my parents were dying would we suddenly be in each other's
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  lives again because everything would be put back into its place as to what truly matters
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  and then I tell myself I am dying and they are dying and my parents are dying and their
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  parents are dying we all are and in the book the Tibetan book of living and dying something that
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  they say that I'll never forget is that when we truly confront death it is only at that point
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  that we truly are able to confront life so when we are radically in touch with what it means to die
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  only then can we be radically in touch with what it means to live and what it also says that I find
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  so profound is when we really confront death we also instantly will recognize the parts of us
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  that are being invited to die so that we may truly live our envy our grievances our annoyances
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  our egos aspects of our being that aren't our highest self when we truly think wow like I am not
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  here forever that's I think when we start to think we start to see we start to feel into I don't
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  have to be the best I don't have to be the best YouTuber I don't have to be followed by a certain
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  amount of people I really don't need any of those things I'm here to share my aliveness because I
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  won't always be alive I don't have to compare myself to anyone because I'm a particular steward of
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  this life I'm a mother of this life this is an aspect of life that has chosen me to parent it
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  and so anytime I choose to silence my voice because it doesn't feel good enough I'm also
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  silencing my aliveness and therefore our aliveness I get to reach for the connection and that
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  is the alive part of me is the part of me that seeks to connect because we need each other and we
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  need creativity and we need connection and we need and we deserve to reach for community to reach
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  for collectivism over perfectionism and I've been thinking to myself because you're supposed to
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  celebrate excellence as a black person as a black creator as a black woman creator but I've been
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  asking myself what if I didn't even come here to be excellent what if I came here to be generous
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  what if I came here simply to give to share to serve and how perfect something is and the examples
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  I brought in or didn't bring in or that it was never part of the point and when you fully
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  embody a value that can be your form of excellence if you fully embody generosity that is its
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  own excellence if you fully embody effort you just try you try try try that's excellent if you
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  want it to be so we can either reject excellence we can redefine excellence and also we can admit
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  the parts of our lives where we really are in pursuit of it that's also beautiful I honor all
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  things as long as we can try and do them in a way that is self loving that is collective loving
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  and that nourishes and plants the seeds and tends to the seeds of the kind of world we wish to see
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  I'm sending you so much love my darlings my loves my angels thank you so much for being here
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  I hope to see you once more twice more three times more four times five times six times
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  seventeen times I'm holding you with so much love and I will see you on the next soul session I love
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  you by my darling my love my soul sibling thank you for stepping into the soul salon if you are still
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  hearing or watching this we are soul siblings we are resonating on the same frequency and so
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  something you may struggle with that I struggle with is the fear of being seen you know that
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  visibility is involved in you living your creative purpose and being in your power serving the
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  collective through your gifts through your magic through your medicine in order to do that you know
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  you need to be more seen than you are allowing yourself to be right now I have a gift just for you
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  heart made for us on this frequency and it is a free ebook called the soulful visibility guide
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  that is soulful visibility like we don't just want to be seen we want to be felt we want to be
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  heard we want to move and be moved so I do have a free gift for you and all you need to do is go to
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  my website iunderstood.com and there you will be able to input your email address and receive this
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  directly to your inbox this is such a juicy and delicious guide and I change the free offering
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  every few months so you know get it while you can all the links are in the show notes so thank
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  you so much I love you and I will see you on the next sole session okay I love you bye