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Under & Over Functioning In Relationships & After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartel, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And today on the podcast, I'm going to be speaking about a really common relationship pattern or relationship dynamic that shows up, and that is the dynamic or the pattern of under and over-functioning in relationships.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this happens when one of you takes on all the things, all the doing, all the organizing, and it might feel like, so you might be able to reflect and think about feeling like you're taking on all of the things and too much while your partner seems to do the bare minimum.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps you're at the other end of the spectrum where you're struggling to find your place in a relationship because your partner's taking on all the things, perhaps feel like you can't measure up to their expectations.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if either of these scenarios feels remotely familiar to you, you might be or have been in an under-over-functioning relationship, which is, as I said, one where one partner, one person in the relationship takes on more responsibility than the other.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: The overfunctioning partner tends to be the one who takes charge, who makes the plans, who organizes and tries to keep everything happening and everything together.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: They might feel like they have to do everything themselves in order to ensure that things are done or done correctly in inverticommas, while the other partner, the underfunctioning partner, to tends to be a little more passive and may avoid responsibility or avoid decision making or even just avoid the conflict that it would require to stand up to or speak out into the more over-functioning partner in the relationship.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So the overfunctioning person tends to take on more responsibility than they should, and maybe it is just about doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, managing the finances, and they do it out of fear.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: They do it because they fear it won't get done or it won't get done the right way.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: But there's the problem because that just reinforces the other partner, the underfunctioning partner's dependency on the overfunctioner.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of stepping up and doing their fair share, the underfunctioner steps back further and allows the overfunctioning partner to do even more, and they become even more dependent and the cycle continues.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this pattern shows up not just in our romantic intimate partner relationships, but in all sorts of situations.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: For example, it can show up in the workplace.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've had a boss who micromanages all the employees and then wonders why they have to keep doing it, gets angry and frustrated and resentful that they end up doing all the things because they've micromanaged their staff to the point where the staff step back.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or your teenager, your teenage son, daughter who steps back becomes more and more passive the more you try to push them to be independent.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So overfunctioning and underfunctioning doesn't just show up in romantic intimate partner relationships.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it can, of course, be born of family of origin stories, what you learned as a child in your family of origin, if your mother was the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner, if your father was the one who did all the things, you might have learned that as a pattern.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can show up as a result of lived experiences.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if your relationship goes through a season where one of you by necessity needs to step up and really overfunction because the other one is in a space where they're not able to, it can become a learned pattern, a pattern that you learn in that relationship and it just perpetuates itself.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: So there are different reasons why we under or overfunction in different seasons of our lives and in different relationships, be they intimate partner, work, parenting.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, on the surface, it might seem like the overfunctioning partner is the more competent.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: However, I like to remind you of something that Brene Brown says because being the overfunctioner is not always fantastic.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: She says that for overfunctioners, it's easier to do than to feel.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so the doing of overfunctioning is in fact partly avoidance.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's an unwillingness to feel things that you don't want to feel if you're the overfunctioner.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's an unwillingness to sit in discomfort, an unwillingness to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open up and then allow someone else to do for us.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about an unwillingness to be vulnerable.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it while at first glance it might seem like overfunctioning is a fantastic positive thing, after all, who wouldn't want a partner who's responsible and takes care of all the things and gets everything done?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It can become problematic when it becomes an unhealthy pattern that's difficult to break and it's causing upset to one or both of you.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So overfunctioners can become resentful of their partner for not taking on their fair share of the workload, feeling end up feeling overburnded overburdened, that's hard to say, burnt out, and as I said, resentful, feeling like they're just carrying everything, carrying the whole weight of the relationship on their shoulders, that everything is down to them and almost like they're on their own in the relationship, that if they don't do things, it won't get done.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Underfunctioning, on the other hand, can be equally problematic as the flip side of this dynamic.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Partners who underfunction will rely on their partner and expect their partner to just take care of things and then kind of become complacent, slack, you know, in their lack of responsibility.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: But they might also feel powerless or unsure of how to contribute, how to speak up, or it might be that they simply prefer to avoid responsibility altogether, or as I said earlier, just avoid the conflict that they fear it would take to step up and say to their overfunctioning partner, Hey, I've got this, I can do this.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Resentment also can show up in the underfunctioning partner.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: They may feel resentful of the power and the control their overfunctioning partner has in the relationship.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: The imbalance of power they're making them feel, you know, less than, not as good as.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so in that space, in that sort of diminishing of self-esteem or or relinquishing of power, they step back further, meaning their overfunctioning partner steps in more, and that just perpetuates the cycle.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is something that you recognize either in your current relationship or in a past iteration of relationship, how can you break out?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: How can you break this pattern and create a healthier, more balanced relationship?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm going to say the first step is to reflect.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: So the first step is to reflect and recognize that it is a pattern that you've lived and experienced and have contributed to perpetuating.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Recognize too the role that each of you either is or did play and how each of you is contributing to that dynamic of under-over functioning.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important here not to tip into shame, blame, because it's important to acknowledge that both of you have strengths and weaknesses, particularly if you're still in relationship here and you're wanting to redress the imbalance and change, shift this relationship pattern dynamic between the two of you.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: So each of you has strengths and weaknesses, and the goal here is really to work together as a team, rather than, as I said, shaming, blaming, or feeling superior.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So again, you know, just reiterating that sometimes you go through a season in your relationship where this is a necessary part of functioning together to get stuff done.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's become a pattern that isn't happy and healthy in the relationship, then it's time to shift it.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or you recognize it from a past relationship, it was problematic, it was a contributing factor to the breakdown of your of your relationship, your marriage, separation, divorce, and you are determined to heal and shift it moving forward.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So recognition is the first point.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So reflect, recognize, yep, that was the dynamic that showed up in that relationship.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want it to happen again.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to, how am I going to move it?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to shift it?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to heal it?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to move forward?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: The next part of that reflection is to go a little deeper and think about what are the drivers for you to show up as an under or over-functioner in the relationship?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because of course you can't shift or change the other person's behavior.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can only shift or change yours.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're reflecting on a previous relationship, what was the driver?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, was it family of origin stuff?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Was it necessity?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Was it that there was already a power imbalance when you stepped into the relationship so that you allowed that other person to really take control and be the dominant one, be the driver, be the overfunctioner, and you gradually step back further and further and further.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, regardless of whether you're shifting this pattern in this dynamic in a current relationship or you're going to do it in future relationships, really communication is the key.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly communicating how this pattern shows up in a current relationship, how make how it makes each of you feel in a relationship, like bringing it up to the surface and naming it for what it is.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, both of you ideally should be able to speak about this, express your needs and your feelings openly and honestly, and work together to find a solution that's going to work for you.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, there'll be a change, change back.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: So whenever we change behavior as humans in relationship with one another, one will change and the other will say, yes, yes, let's go with it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then there'll be a change back.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Either one of you or both of you will tend to flip back into those old patterns.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really about um pointing that out and reminding one another that you're committed to shifting and changing this pattern together.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: So things to look for or to discuss, I guess, um, really revolve around a resetting of boundaries, who is responsible for what, who, you know, delegating tasks more evenly, sharing that mental as well as the physical, organizational, and emotional load of the relationship?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: How can you share that and distribute that more evenly so that the under functioner has a space to step into and take on more of it, and the overfunctioner can feel safe to step back?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, how can you create an emotionally safe space for each of you, the overfunctioner to step back and the under functioner to step forward?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're the overfunctioner, you're gonna have to work hard on releasing your need to control everything and have it done perfectly or exactly in your way, in your time frame.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it is about being vulnerable enough to allow someone else to do things for you and in their way, not necessarily in your way.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Hand on heart, I'm not great at that.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a work in progress.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I like things done in particular ways.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of my work is in allowing things to be done differently, like stacking the dishwasher.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: There is a right and a wrong way in my house to stack the dishwasher, but unless I'm going to do it myself all the time, every single time, I have to allow somebody else to stack the dishwasher in their own way.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's a really small example, but it is about releasing the need for things to be done exactly in your way.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're used to being in control, if you're used to like I am, being a single parent for a really, really long time and doing all the things myself, it can be an unlearning, a difficult unlearning to allow others to step in and do it their way.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're the overfunctioner, releasing your need to control and have things done in exactly your way is a part of your work.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're healing this pattern after a relationship, so you're stepping out of an what you recognize was an over-underfunctioning relationship, really working on what is and is not okay for you, getting clear on your values, and learning to set healthy boundaries is going to be key for you.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's another podcast episode I would encourage you to go back and listen to.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's about setting boundaries without feeling like a bitch.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So pop back and have a listen to that if you haven't already, and boundaries are something that you feel like you need to work on.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Again, um releasing control if you're the over if you've been the overfunctioner, releasing control and allowing others to do for you is is key in future relationships.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And some of that is born of lived experience, some of it is you know a trauma response, it's a reaction to not actually having someone who does step in and is there for you and does a hold a space for you to be able to step back and trust.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's if that's your history and your dynamic, then healing that and and creating emotional safety for yourself so that you can allow someone else to step in is important.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So my top tips for you if you are an underfunctioner.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, really take ownership of what is yours, take ownership of your responsibilities within the relationship.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you are just naturally not inclined to take charge, it's important to create a healthy, equal, balanced relationship for you to step up and take responsibility for what is your fair share.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I'm talking housework, yes, I'm talking kids, yes, I'm talking finances and paying bills, but I'm also talking the mental and emotional labor of the relationship.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: So really take ownership of your responsibilities and open it, open a discussion with your overfunctioning partner as to how that can look.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, communicate your needs and your desires.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner cannot read your mind.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I think as underfunctioners and and those who are less likely to step forward, we just expect that the other person who is, you know, competent and and in control and organized, we just expect that they know.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: They know what needs to be done, they know what we want, but your partner cannot read your mind, whether that's current partner or future partner.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to be clear about your wants, needs, desires, and to verbalize and communicate about what you want and need from the relationship.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: My third tip for underfunctioners is offer to help.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you have a partner who tends to take control and tends to take charge and get stuff done doesn't mean that they don't want or wouldn't appreciate your support, your assistance.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: So just offer to take on some of the tasks or help out in ways that feel okay, manageable for you.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Communicate around that.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, sometimes it's it's the unseen stuff, it's the mental and emotional load labor that really needs to be shared that overfunctioners tend to hold on to and yeah, I guess control and keep to themselves.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: So offer, offer to offer to help, open the conversation.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're the overfunctional or you've been the overfunction in relationship, it's really important for you to work on boundaries.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is important to recognize that you can't always do everything.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well you can, you actually you can, but it's not helpful or healthy for a relationship, and it's not helpful or healthy for you to do it all all the time.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay to say no.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay to delegate to your partner, it is okay to communicate clearly what you want and what you need, not to railroad them and tell them what to do, but to open a conversation about how can we, how can we set boundaries around this, how can we make this more equitable.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that is going to be, as I've said a number of times already, to release your need to control everything, to release your need for things to be perfect or to be done in exactly your way.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes for you, the doing is actually blocking you from feeling.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: So releasing your need to control everything, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to feel.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, encourage your partner through conversation and open dialogue to take on more responsibility.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your underfunctioning partner might need a little nudge to step in, to take charge, but they might not realize that you are overfunctioning, overloaded, overwhelmed, and feeling resentful.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: So open the conversation.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Encourage your partner to step up and take ownership of what's their part in the relationship and then step back.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Don't offer support, don't offer, I was gonna say support, that's not right.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Don't offer critique of the way they're doing it.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't offer your opinion about the way they're doing it.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: You need to release that control and allow them to do it their way.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, you're still reinforcing the over-underfunctioner dynamic.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Also, for overfunctioners, practice self-care.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like really, really go deep on your self-care.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to feel.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um but also that over-functioning pattern can easily lead to burnout, resentment, depletion.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to if if you recognize this as a pattern that you or a dynamic that you play into, it's really important to take care of yourself, to listen to your inner voice, to allow yourself white noise and space to feel and just do nothing, to prioritize your own needs without all the overlay of doing, doing, doing, doing.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this is something that is resonating with you, I'm running a free masterclass.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: All the all the information will be in the show notes, and it is recognizing the one thing that you can do to shift your relationship pattern.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: So under and over functioning is just one of many dynamics that play out in relationships, one of many patterns that we use or fall into or create in our relationship.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to deepen this work in a face-to-face space with you and have you join me in this upcoming free masterclass May 26th, 2023.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: All the info will be, as I said, in the show notes, including a link to to the sign up page.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Would love, love, love to support you to reflect, reclaim, and liberate yourself from relationship patterns that are not happy and healthy for you.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got a little of what you need.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone this might support, please, please share it with them, including the link to the masterclass.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Would really love to spread the word and get the podcast into the ears of more people who need to hear it.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.