Latest / The Imperfect Impulse w/Bree O'Connor / S3 Ep 7: Post Project Crash

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S3 Ep 7: Post Project Crash · The Imperfect Impulse w/Bree O'Connor

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Imperfect Impulse with Bree O'Connor.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Bree O'Connor.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: First off,
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want to apologize for being a few days late with this episode,
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: but it's going to directly relate to what I want to talk about today.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Stick a pin in that for a second because I want to tell you what I was doing last week.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I had the great good fortune of To work as production designer
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: for Alfonso Johnson's new short film,
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: which I won't tell you anything about until the time is right,
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: but let's just say that this one was an ambitious project that required a lot
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: of focus from a really great team.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that I wanted to say about that is that if you want
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: to know how well you're doing in life, look around and see who's with you.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was on an amazing team.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was a highly functioning, very talented, highly communicative team.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I could look around anywhere on this team and be proud to be associated with these people.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my little love note.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: For Alfonso Johnson and his ability to put together an amazing cast and crew for
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: a project that I know is going to go far.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But of course I'm not going to tell you anything about it until later.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: But what that does tie into is I want to talk about post-project Crash.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you know exactly what I mean when I say that,
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: but for those of you who either had not experienced it or haven't put
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: the pieces together yet that this is a thing and that it is very real,
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: let me explain it for you.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you are involved in a long-term writing project
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: or you've spent months working on a single painting or you've worked on a film or
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: a play, That a lot of these things can require a very specific amount of input.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: They can become all consuming, especially when you are catapulted toward the end of the project.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that can be opening night to closing night.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: That these things really require a lot of our systems.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And in particular, I'm going to use this film project that I was just on to illustrate my point.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: In a lot of these projects, especially in collaborative works, time is money.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't get the, shall we say, the privilege of putting something off until later.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So your body goes into overdrive.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: This can mean...
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Cortisol spikes, insulin resistance.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It can mean you are eating crappy,
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: you are sleeping terribly, you are working long, grueling, feverish hours.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry about that.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot to turn off my notifications.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: For example,
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: for me personally in this last project,
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I found myself having to do extra work overnight to get ready for the next day.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I probably pulled three 20-hour days in a row last week,
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: which has directly contributed to my inability to record and edit an episode.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can't keep that up for long.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: The human body is not designed to keep up that kind of stress for an extended period of time.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you are.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now 20-hour days are extreme,
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: but 16-hour days,
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: 14-hour days,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: that's not abnormal,
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: especially in collaborative works, especially in the theater or in film.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Those tend to be pretty common.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that is artificial.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Part of that is because we have Limited time and access to equipment or
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: to other resources like locations or spaces,
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: and they have their own interests or in film your permit may only last for X amount
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: of time and you have to cram in all of this work.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: All of these setups and all of the mistakes that are integral to the process into
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: a very truncated span of time.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: There's not a lot of room for experimentation.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: That has to be done before the process even begins.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so you may be rushed into this creative process, which can be really exciting.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of us who thrive on hyperfocus,
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: That can be a costly thrill because that thrill of finding yourself in the zone
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: and moving forward and making choices on the fly and juggling all the plates,
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: that can be exciting and fun,
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: especially if you're working with a great group of people.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not working with a great group of people,
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: that can be an exercise in existential despair.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've certainly had that experience.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately,
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: the truth of the matter is,
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: if we can step way back,
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: is that if these systems were not built the way that they were,
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: and we could have X amount of days to just work and experiment in a space
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: and not worry about having to rush the equipment back,
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: or how are we going to manage continuity because we only have One set of wardrobe
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: for this particular piece because we couldn't afford to buy multiple pieces.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: If all of those budgetary and time constraints were lifted,
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: we wouldn't be in this situation that costs our bodies so much.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: But alas, alack, this is where we are at.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: We don't get those kind of resources.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So we make up for it with our bodies.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Our bodies pay for that.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: We pay for it in sleep and in the food that we ingest.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And even if, say,
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: craft services provides a lot of healthy options,
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: a lot of times your body is going to be craving the sugar bump to keep going,
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: the caffeine bump to keep going.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And your brain might say, hey, you know what, eat that salad.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: But your body's going,
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: no, I need that burger and I need that slice of cake or I need that handful of M&Ms.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I need another iced coffee with a lot of sugar in it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your body is telling you something about its own survival
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: while your brain might have a very still small voice telling you
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: to do something different.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It happens to all of us.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that we need to be mindful of is that we are making choices
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: in those moments and We have to check how much pressure are we really and truly
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: under in the moment and how much of it is artificial pressure.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've mentioned before, hold on loosely but don't let go.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as we try and muscle or push through things,
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: that's where we end up creating blockages and difficulty for ourselves.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's why a really great team can help you move through Difficult moments,
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: difficult choices and help keep each other on track.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so that that's key in helping to pick your collaborators is we know
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: that this is going to be artificially stressful.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: We know we're going to have cortisol spikes.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: We know all of these things are going to happen.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So how do we support each other through those moments?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: How do we touch base with each other?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of the most wonderful things about working
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: on this particular set is everyone was like checking in with each other.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, how are you doing?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, especially if somebody was slumped and looking exhausted.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything you need?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Have you had water?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And those may seem like really small things,
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: but they're incredibly sensitive and really marvelous
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: because sometimes you're not even thinking like, oh, hey, you know what?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: A bottle of water would be really helpful right now.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that could be a really simple solution that someone else can offer you
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: that you might not consider for yourself.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: So once again, that is a sign of a great team.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: As you're operating at this high level and needing to navigate all of this stress
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: and your body's doing its best to hold itself together.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: When that's all over,
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: you know that moment when the coyote's chasing the roadrunner
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: and he ends up running off the edge of the cliff and then just floats there for
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: a second until he realizes that there's no ground beneath his feet?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's the moment right before the post-project crash.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the project is over.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: The cliff is no longer under your feet and your body is still operating on inertia.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're moving through your days as if you are still under that kind of pressure.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: But the pressure is removed and the activity is removed.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And when you have that kind of stored up stress and energy,
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: and the activity that distracts you,
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: or it doesn't really distract you,
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: your body needed that energy to get through what you needed to get through.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And now the activity is gone, but you still have that energy there.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sometimes that energy can leave you feeling untethered,
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: maybe a little confused, possibly a little depressed, and frequently Sick.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It never fails the end of a long or difficult process to see tons of cast
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: and crew just suddenly coming down with a major illness,
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: bad colds, COVID, flu,
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: what have you,
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: that they can hold on to it until literally the day after closing and suddenly,
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: boom, Just out cold.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I once did a production of The Last Days of Judas Iscariot
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: and I knew I was not feeling well that last day of production.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: The next day I was out with walking pneumonia.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was down for over a week.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's what happens is our defenses are suddenly unmoored and when
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: the body is allowed to crash, it does.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: It just does because we can't keep operating on that level
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: and eventually our body is going to make us lie down.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had a day off this week between my 20 hour days and then the pickup shoots and
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: the visual effects shoot.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that day I had such a monumental crash.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully I didn't get sick.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I did find myself completely unable to wake up and function in my daily life.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I got up and got my daughter up for school and I went back to bed for the rest of
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: the day, got up for dinner and went back to bed until the next morning.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: It was just impossible for me to keep my eyes open.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: So what did I do?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of pushing back against it,
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledged that this post-project crash was a reality in my life
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: and I just made room for it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I did not record this episode.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote quick apology emails to everybody and said, listen, I'm gonna be down.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that just has to become acceptable because we have to be kind to ourselves
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: in these kinds of moments.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I was much younger,
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was often frustrated that I wasn't able to just jump right back into creating
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: or starting the next thing immediately.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we do have projects back to back and that can cause a little bit
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: of disequilibrium.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, certainly as artists, we're lucky to be in that scenario to constantly be working.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: But once again, that will take a different kind of toll on your system.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to find your way to acknowledge and buy time for yourself to be kind
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: and recognize that you have limitations.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Where can you let things go?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, in my instance, this particular time, my house has been a complete disaster.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't normally do that.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the kind of person that can live in a messy house.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me twitchy and agitated and often resentful and angry.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I've had to let it go.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And recognize that my body has been stressed, you know, to the nth degree.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed to take care of that first.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So after I record and edit this, I am going to go clean my house.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm finally feeling up to it.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure that you are being kind.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then you also need to have faith that your energy will return.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest issues when we get sick or we have downtime
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: or we have this post-project crash is that we can start to clench and try
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: and control the situation.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I guess this is if you're like me.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not everyone is like me,
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: but I've seen it enough where I know people can start to go into panic mode.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm never going to work again or,
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: oh, why isn't this next writing project or this next whatever coming easily to me?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: At some point,
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: you have to recognize that you need recovery time and have faith
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: that once you have given yourself recovery time,
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: that your creative energies will return.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we have evidence for that because you did this project.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not your first project, it definitely won't be your last project.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have consistently gone back to your art form.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no reason to believe that this time will be any different.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have a little faith in yourself and in your creative being
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: that this isn't the end of the story.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's always something else.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: This last thing that you did, it may have taken a lot to complete.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: You may have given your all, but that doesn't mean your cup can't be full again.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: It will.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: But only if you are kind to yourself and you don't push.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your apartment, it will be clean again someday.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you will end up taking a shower.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: I promise.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that shower is going to be great.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: You are going to eat a vegetable again and you are going to go back to
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: the gym like your life has been upended for a short period
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: but it will once again reach stasis if you let it.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Someone once described how our emotional states are less like a merry-go-round
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And more like a seesaw or a teeter totter depending on which part of
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: the country you're from.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that frequently in order to even out the mechanism
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: that will push down really really hard on one side and it takes time to build up
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: the energy on the other side in order to right the plank on its fulcrum.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: So give yourself that time.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I am giving myself that time the end of this week and I've given myself
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: that time today on Sunday to record this episode and talk to you
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: about what is actually happening to me in real time because I know that this is
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: a thing and I trust that in a couple of days I will be back at it
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: with many more projects in store and we'll see where it goes.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: How do you handle your post project crash?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: What does it look like for you?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: The more you become aware of these patterns,
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: the more you can figure out just which ways of being kind to yourself are going
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: to work and help you recover faster and better.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Here I am wishing you many, many projects and many easy recoveries in the years to come.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: I should be back on my regular recording schedule with a release on Thursday.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So wish me luck and we'll talk to you next time on the Imperfect Impulse.