Latest / Red Skelton / Red Skelton - Big Scare
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- Right now, I'm more nervous than Freeman at a railroad convention. We want both. If I'm not on next week, you know why, no white hanging on your line, sing a song of feeling fine. We're clean and bright as we can because we've been witing Tie Douche Rat Drive from Hollywood Rock and Campbell's Tide. The Washington Miracle that gives you the cleanest Closing town probably presents The Red Skelton Show with Red Skeleton, Day Rose and his orchestral Lorraine Battle, Pat McKee and Zick Ryan will be mean, Rod O'Connor ron the Skelton scrap Book of Satire, a Storian titled The Big Scare and as fire as MGM's found Red Skelton. All right, rod Hi Skelton, how do you feel? I feel alive tonight? What do you know for sure? Say? How is that plane trip to Texas with Chuck Wallers? Well, the whole crew knew that I was a little frightened, so they gave me the business. Did you get airsick? Yeah? The hostess says, would you like to step outside and get some air for a few minutes? I says, we're twenty thousand feet Uh, what did she say? She was surprised and says, maybe that's why those other passengers didn't come back. Did you go forward with the pilot only for a few seconds? I said to the pilot, I says, hey, that gas gage says empty. Does that mean anything? He says not to me. I got a parachute. Why are you ready to go down to the town hall? Yeah, ready to go, boy. As soon as they get in the car, now let's go by. Are you still in that picture with Esther Williams? Yeah? Boy, what a job? Oh? I don't know. Esther Williams don't bother me. In fact, when I see her coming, I walk the other way, one other way on my hands. Of a picture takes place in Texas. Yeah, hey, there's one scene in the picture. This kid you Well, there are two guys and they both started and they're working in a blacksmith shops. So one guy standing, he's got a big pair of pliers and he's holding a horse shoe in the fire and he says he the pete, Uh get ready to hit to hit the smack this thing with you And the other guy say, boy, I'll be there. So the guy throws the horse shoe over on the anvil, and he says, all right, come on, boy, h smack it. Well, hit and the other guy just till I hit it with the boot, the big big, the large slags or the or the little one. The only guy should forget it. It's full now, hey, step on the gas and we'll be late. Okay, boy, say you know we're gonna need a bigger town hall. Look at the crowd that showed up. Yeah, oh there's con cadetal hopper. I'm gonna go, say hello, I'll see you inside. I want to see if we get some seats. Lady, pardon me, hey, clam, Well here I am. I've got plenty here nothing, yes, sir, right between my ears? All right, Well I don't feel so good today. You see my pet cake died. Oh that's too bad, Yes it is, but we all got to go or later. Seemed like everything happens to me. First, my pet pig dies and my cow goes dry. Now, my chickens won't lay an egg unless you bring back an empty shell. What you got in that sack? What have you got in that sack? Oh, this is a lock of my girl's hair. Clam, I never knew you were sentimental. You gonna carry it in your wallet? No, it's for scrubbing pots. Run in short on steel wool. Give me your girl's hair? Is that cord? Oh? Yeah, she hadn't bought a broom in five years. She just bends over and wiggles your eyebrow. Your girl must be a little Oh she is. You know she got braces on her teeth, got braised on her teeth. I have a lot of fillings, you see, boy, when we kiss, you should see the sparks for life. Are you going to the town hall meeting? Well? I might attend, but I hope that movie director Chuck Reisner don't speak. Boy, he's too convincing. He told us why we should donate blood to the blood bank, and the next day I went down and gave all of my blood. Look stupid, who's stupid you are? I'm stupid? Yeah, you're stupid. Well thanks for telling me. I'll straighten up. You know, if you didn't have any blood, you wouldn't be alive. Who's a wie, aren't you? My birth certificate said could be? My claim is good to see you. I have to go now. That's Captain's motioning for me. Well, I'll see you around. I gotta go bury my pet skunk. Did your pet skunk guy too? Yep, I think, don't keep the gutter? Hey, right over here, it's can meeting working to order. Why are we waiting for our Princeville speaker, San Fernando Red, who has been detained by a nasty accident. He's right. Racter and Gambo, the Gilbert and Sullivan of radio will entertain us with their coral group. We wear the cleanest post in town. Three happy husband's weep because you married three smart girls who use the gets close any soap, any soap, Yes, any soap, You get the cleanest washing down with the yes ma'am sing it or just plane say it. Tide gives you the cleanest wash in town. Because we've proved it in the laboratory. Why we've tested Tide against every soap you've ever heard of. Chances are we've tested it against the soap you've been using, and every time the results the same. Tide. Just plane gets closed cleaner than any other washing products sold throughout America. Of course, millions of you women have proved that right in your own washing machines. The only difference is Our results show up in facts and figures, but yours show up in the cleaner clothes. Your children wear the cleaner sheets and towels in your linen closet. So next wash day, wash your clothes in those terrific tide suns, then wring them wrinsome and hang up the cleanest wash in town. Get any any you get the cleanest washing tog with tea. I think I order, ladies, gentlemen, order anything. Will now be addressed by the Honorable San Fernando rend Thank you, miss or where you get warm in your hands? Frans and you are my fran. I'm not going to make a political speech. I promise you that. And you know when I promise you something extincts stick. I proved that by my campaign promises, whatever they were. And I ain't gonna make no political speech because that ain't why I'm here. I'm here because I'm scared to go home. I just returned from our nation's capital, Independence, Missouri, and I'd like to say that this freeze that the government has just put on has gone a little too far. It was fifteen below zero back there. There was a terrible snowstorm, but there wasn't one eye cycle on Harry's house. Of course, when Margaret hits high Sea, something has to give worse. Every time Harry goes on that yacht, everybody has to go whens. I'm telling you I just got back from Washington, d C. And believe me, neighbors, when I tell you I saw Congress and Session. You know what Congress is. That's bingo with billions. Why I'm telling you they're spending money like it was going out of style. As you all know that, I've been in office only since last November, and I'm what saying that short time, I have accomplished quite a lot. I've made myself enough money to retire already. But now comes for the reason why I'm looking you in the face. And as I look into your face, I can see there are a lot of faces that really need looking into. I'm here to fut a word around about them. Man who's been dragging Bond name through the mud, willy lumplump. Let's look at the facts. Now, these are the facts. I'll get him. I ain't gonna repeat this. These are the facts. Now. This man is a disgraced star community. He has no job, he has no savings, He has no self respect, and he spends already time lying in the gutter. He ain't fit for nothing. There's only one job that he could hold, and you've already elected me. Let's ride really out of town on the rail. I'll tell you a few adult neighbors. He's gonna say the right thing, and I'll be impeached. He's got let's get out of here. Yeah, come on, she read the folk sounds sore? Do you think they're really right? Willie? Out of town rail? They bring a brass around, he'll get on it himself. Hey, but we can't let this happen to Willie. He's got a wife and three kids. I didn't know the lump Plumps had any children. Who's talking about children? They raise goots? What's come on? We got a one Willie, but the crowds after him. Well. Look, last time I saw Willie, he was in a pet store with Junior. What was he doing in a pet store? He bought Junior a couple of white mice? Oh no, what's matter? Well? I saw Junior and his mother inside attending the meeting. So I saw him take something out of his pocket and stroke it a couple of times. Then look around at the crowd like a fiend. Oh no, whoa, You don't think he turned that mouse loosely to me? I wouldn't put it past him. Do you realize what would happen with all those women in there? Yeah? Oh well we all have to go sooner or later. Look, i'll tell you what you do. You go in and warn Junior's mother, and I'll go over see if I can get a beat on Willy lumplow. Pardon me, I get through here. Excuse me, folksy way to go for him? Coming? Oh, gangway, you'll be trampled. One has broken loose from the hogre. How nice to run across? How nice to run across? Man? You sorry? He wasn't in the car at the time. I know you. Oh no, Junior, I'm a true friend. I'd get my right arm for you. Well, thanks, fat Joe. I didn't know you felt that way. Here he oh cut my finger in that mouse trap. Well listen to him. He just said he'd give his right arm. And now I try to take a finger on a country blow. What have you done? Oh wow, let me help you get that conception off your head. Yeah, don't look nice. I kind of rat instead of a mouth there, Junior, how could you do such a thing as cats Rod's finger in the mouse track? I'm sorry, I do it. I won't do it no more, use big fat, greasy bum. You've been it all out of shit now it can't take a mouth now, you couldn't catch a Toyle in there now, white boy Clay, quiet, what have you got in your pocket? Nothing gets me with your finger. I heard squeaking. They need oil, and let's go home. You come to these meetings all the time, and I get you sleepy, and I guarantee you if you don't take me home within five minutes, you'll be done. Junior, I can't mother asked to present a loving cup? What for the chicken lovers of America? Of asking me to? Was that a cop to the chicken that laid the biggest egg? Well, send it to Schneider in Washington, boy, the a he laid with that new tax proposal. To go believe me now? Everybody will believe me if we don't look. I don't want you have in your pocket? What I got my poppet? I called him the way I see though? What's the big secret? Rod Well? I got Jr? And I have a secret. Yes, in a few minutes, I gonna let everybody. Oh no, no, you have worried Rod. What's the matter? You know what the matter? You heard what San Fernando said about running WILLI out of town? Yes, I heard that tune. I think that you're rotten candy because he's a nice man. Oh he gets your widow. I away time. But I figure anything is good enough for my own pap is good enough for wig Juli. Don't you dare talk like that. Your father is not a drinking man. Oh he not when I got news for you? Kdo you don't get that way from eat and come qua? I'm morning, I tell you Rob, This boy is gonna drive me. Oh no, I'm not. I get arrested. I have the driver's line. En, I gotta talk to Junior. Junior? What did you last see Willie Lumpa? But I can't talk here, So you get in so I can get some sleep. You take me out of here in our talk, guys, I could be home in the sleep in the little cage by now. My place is so crowded. I can take care of that. Oh you know what I got in me back? Oh? Good, heavens don't take it out, junior, Junior, you're not going through with it, are you? Ladies and gentlemen. If the reason will step forward, we will get the judges final decision and get on with the presentation. Against means another half hour with our sleep, okay, scolding woh, no boy? What a break the way to break up communist meeting? I'm out caring a way that'll be good? Won't the FBI? I heard it? I did? Oh, Junior, everything is rude. You're all the chicken eggs are broken and the cameras are ruined. Will never mind that the mouth wears me mouth? Help me wire tiant order order. I'll have an ice cream shoda and a mouth. If we can have your attention, mister David Rose in his orchestra will play a bushel ed the peg. If you hate to wash dishes, then you're gonna love time. You must mean me, I really hate to wash dishes. Would you mind telling me why? For one thing? My hands hate that greasy water? Ah, then you're gonna love tide because there just isn't any greasy water when tide's in your dishpan. Why tide cuts grease like magic seems to make grease disappear. The water stays so clean and fresh. It's a treat to your hands. But I also hate all the time dish washing cake, Or you gonna love tide because tide lets you wash dishes quick as one, two, three. Just wash your dishes in those heaping tide suns rinsom, then just let them drain dry. No wiping needed for you. See, unlike soap, tide leaves no dulling soap film, so you can skip wiping your dishes completely and they'll come out shining, sparkling bright. So try Tide in your dishband real soon. Remember, if you hate to wash dishes, then you're gonna love tithed. What is your next number? Say? The guy over at Joe's barn Grill told me that he saw Willy going into an art museum. Well, here's a museum. I know, I can't believe he being here. Come on, let's go see anyhow, boy, Willie, Willie, Hey, Willie, Oh Willie. I knew this would be a wild goose chase. What if sure got a lot of statues in here? Look you go that way, I'll go around this play see if you can find you see that statue over there. Sure strange standing on its head looks like a gargoyle. No, it's willy lumplump, Hey, Willie, what are you doing standing on your head? Oh? Will you like the wall? Let's not get nosy, bud. I'm standing on my head because my feeter killing believe me, my fear killing man. My feet are big enough to kill ten mene, my wife, frunt, my socks and I have to tuck my toes in jack and weare. I'm not. I never expected to find you in this place. How did you happen to come here? Well, I'm just happy to be crawling home after a tough day at the unemployment compensation liners here, so I thought I would come in and have me picked me up. Boy, what a brawl this must have been. Huh. Everybody's so blasted they can't move. There's no wonder they to drop left in the place. Looking at that guy who has stupid bummy got so stiff he started to throw his plate away and he's got holding it there. If you ask me, this is an art museum and those are all statues. Oh yeah, well it looks like the same crowd that hangs around the tam tavern. This is wait till you hear this place looked like a child and hangs around at Sam's tavern. Only these bums dressed more tago. I think they catch their death of cloth. Look at that guy sitting over there, resting his head on his fist. Look at that. That's the thinker. He certainly is on the thinker. The way he was dressing looks like he lost everything he owned in a crap game and he was trying to think up a story to tell his wife. Well, I came to warn you that there was a meeting of the town holiday and the people decided you were no good and they want to run you out of town. Ah, so those busy bodies are after me. That's the guys I try to expose that San Fernando Red, that no good bump. Well, I got mow, you bun. They can't run me out of town. Why if they run me out of town, it means the brewery will have to close. I am their full income. Well, you've got to go on the wagon. I just got off the wagon. I gave my seat to a lady. You know, you keep drinking that stuff. You keep drinking that stuff, and it's gonna kill you. I've got to swear off that stuff before it's too late. Oh not me, boy a boy a flock up and have you seen my power in Californ mcbug lady, I'm telling you it's gonna be the death of you. Oh so, uh get the boy. Gosh, he's asleep already. I know one way we can care him a drinking Hey, yew, come on in here and give me a hand with this guy. Yeah, you grabb his fet We're gonna give him such a scare that he'll never touch another drop. Where we taking to the mortuary down the streetry? Yeah, well, he's in for a big surprise. It's only a half our program, boy, one free thing, all right. Just lay him on this table, gentlemen, Just lay him on this table. Gentlemen. Look, if you're ever a poll bear, don't forget to let go of that box. They're gonna plant you. You know we're lucky you wake up yet. Yeah, we're grateful for your helping us teach Willie a lesson, mister Shrouds. Oh, it's a pleasure. So I'm happy to be of service to you at any time. Well, don't look so anxious, brother, Hey, God, I'm gonna go for Willy's wife. Oh, I don't think I have to do that. Well, I want to go outside anyway. You see, I don't like the way mister Stroud's appraising me. See I'm a sucker for sales talking. He gives me a bargain. I'm liable to go. I'll see you guys later. Your your friend seems to be wakening up. Oh y'all hid behind this door. Give him a good scare mister his eyes. He teas if I've ever tamed, you are the fattest snake I've ever seen. They go, tell the bar mix me another one. You just like the last? We really quiet? Have you no respect for the deceased? Well, I figured you was gone, but I didn't want to say. You know, let me ask you something, brother, how long have you been tact exam? Oh I am not the deceased. You are? Yeah, I'm dead? You mean I'm really dead? I can't wait. Ah, I mean I've qualified for your lao way playing the first laughing undertaker I've ever seen. Exactly Now they still while I try to make you look natural? Yeah, he was out of McKinley's number four. Look if I'm dead, how come I can set up and daltye? No, no, you you you're kidding me. Boy, you just don't sound right to me, and you don't look right here. You yet don't look right to me. I've seen a lot of corption my day, but you can't. Don't look right to meet you. I repeat, you don't rock? How did you used to pault your hair in the middle? You know every block should have an alley. Look, I'm not ready to go yet. Now I'll stop this stuff with you now. I've got things to finished, like that fifth I left in the closet and ain't empty that you please please co operate and fold your hands over your chest. I have to have some place to put the lily. Oh well, don't look at me. I ain't gonna stay. You don't mind. I don't like lilies. I'd rather have four rods. Now, now lay back. One of your friends has come to view the remains. Oh it's probably my bookie coming to Colleck. I guess die out more than him. Huh, one way to beat the horses die? May I see him now, mister shroud, Oh there he is, Poor Willie. He was such a nice guy. If you only hadn't drunk some mudy. Yes, it's such a shame that he's no longer with us. Now he's killing me kid me. Ah, if only, if only he'd taken the pledge from father Edward Carne when I asked him to. He's been with us today. Yes, what are they gonna plant? The old boy? What I see tomorrow? Day o'clock? I can't make it. I never get up before them, except when I was army, and I used to get up at noon. I was a major. You know his wife? Yes, how is she taking out? Well, she's keeping her mind off by cashing in his insurance policy. She got a lot of fun. Look, I hate to be stubborn about that, but I changed my mind. I'm not gonna go. Can I have a ringtack on it? Who'd I have to see? You get a poor poor will I? If you'd only listen to me and stop drinking, this would never have happened. Oh it looks now. If you can hear me, if I'm getting through to you, If you just get me back, I'll never touch another drop to help me. You know, maybe I've had something on my mind that I haven't wanted to tell you fellas about it. Oh. I've been stiffed before, but every life it just seems so final. Please don't bury me. Boys. Ah, Willie, I hope you've learned your lesson. I can't, No, boy, I have on my lesson. Let me out atmospheret look out for that truck. Oh will you here? You all right? Yeah? A few minutes ago, I was the Undertaker's father and I'm on my way to the hospital. I'm improving. I'll let us in John on until next Sunday. This is Red Skelton reminding you that tomorrow is Abraham Lincoln's birthday. As good Americans, let's all place a flag in front of our homes. Thanks for listening, and thanks for buying more and more of that Voye Day Miracle tie. And this is Ronald Connor reminding of the tie gets closed cleaner than any soap on Earth, cleaner than any other washing products sold throughout America. That's why you get that cleanest washing top with that's going to turn on this program for the critesy of Metroc Golden Mayre. This is a copyrighted featured bass drive from Mollywood. This is CBS's lumber Broadcasting System