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When a highly sensitive man stops trusting people (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: There are a few things as painful as realizing that someone you love has been lying to you, manipulating you, coercing you.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a betrayal and it cuts to our our our hearts and our souls and because we have to then reflect on the relationship as a whole and see what was real, what wasn't real.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when we we thought we were having this honest authentic connection and relationship with someone to realize that they they weren't you weren't on the same page, that they were deciding what you should and shouldn't know what they thought was best for us for the relationship, or maybe for them.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And we discover that that wasn't what was happening, and all of a sudden it changes everything, it it shifts something in us because all of a sudden we then realize that we can't trust them anymore.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And even though we may forgive them and we may continue a relationship with them, it's never quite the same.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, you know, even if we bring it up with them, it can continue to happen.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then at some point it becomes up to us to create a boundary, to walk away, to cut that person out, so that you know we yeah, we don't have that that relationship in our lives anymore.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So if that is you and that has happened to you, I know a lot of you have shared in the comments many stories about you know being in relationships with women where that has happened.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of you have shared, you know, stories with parents.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, that has happened most recently with my mom.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so yesterday was her birthday, and it's just been a lot of mourning, and we talked about this in the in the grieving men video last week, I think, um, about grieving for those relationships that we had to let go of because of you know, a breach in in trust in being betrayed.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: But just because we were betrayed doesn't mean that we don't miss that person or that we don't grieve for the loss of that relationship and what we what we thought we had, but the but the grief is is mixed with this betrayal and this pain.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's like, was that relationship even real in what we thought it was?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the the grieving and the betrayal is is this messy place that we can be in.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're in that, I see you and I feel that that pain.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on how long we've been in these relationships, you know, with my the you know, with with our parents especially, or if it's been a really long-term relationship, it can feel like a part of us has kind of been ripped out of, ripped out of our soul, like you know, like we're I believe we're connected to people in ways that we can't fully understand and in unseen ways, and can feel like trying to rip a part of our own our own soul out, and and it's it's it's it's a lot.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I I honor you in that space and this place of betrayal and grief.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And these moments, as we've said, these moments that arise, you know, could be an anniversary, a birthday, special moments in the relationship with that other person that then revive this grief.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I've been thinking about why why it is that others lie and manipulate and coerce.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I wrote down a lot of a lot of different things.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it could also be, you know, guilt, guilt tripping, shaming us for maybe shaming you for your sensitivity.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of that can be, you know, it's like you're too sensitive, or you know, our our needs and our our uh what we need is as sensitive people can be, you know, sidelined, you know, and having having our boundaries run over, you know, setting up boundaries and people pushing over them, threats, punishment, abandonment, bribery.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: So all of these these things that happen are forms of this betrayal, forms, forms of of other people maneuvering us.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's all these things are attempts to control us, control, you know, people, places, things, to have the you know, the yeah, to to shape the outcome.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, that person that has done that to us, it's they have their own inner turmoil and inner discomfort at what might happen if they told the truth, if they didn't manipulate the situation and simply asked us what it is that they were wanting from us, you know, if they came to us clearly, if they shared their own discomfort with what was happening, you know, if they were yeah, authentic, I guess, in some ways.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so their their thinking is what decision do I need to make?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: What what maneuver do I need to make that will make the other person, us on the other side of that, do what I want them to do.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think if we think about lying, we we lie because we're not okay with whatever the outcome might be.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So not lying is very, you know, telling the truth is a very courageous act because it means that we're we're just we're we're okay with whatever outcome may arise from whatever the truth is.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I think about my dad and a lot of the lies, and that you know, he just just all the time, all the time.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It just no matter what how little the thing may be, and he's he's gotten better, but it's just hard.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard when he wants to not be seen in a certain way or or whatever, and so there's a rationalization and a and a justification of those of them of their manipulations and their lies, because they, you know, it could just be patterns and they're just compulsive, you know.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or it could be that there's this, you know, they have maybe good motives.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: They think, you know, this is for maybe they they manipulate and lie to us because they think it's for our own good.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like so they they can rationalize why they're doing the the thing that they're doing, and that they're their means of lying or manipulating or guilting us or shaming us.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like they're they're justifying their means because they want the the ends, they want the outcome to be what they want it to be.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the painful part comes when we when we realize that when we realize this is happening when we clue in to how they're treating us, and it it it can be it can just kind of the whole facade can drop and we see through the the the the picture that we maybe had painted in our mind of who this person was, and we realize that that picture is a lie, that that we you know, that the authent their authenticity, there they weren't being authentic, that there wasn't a real connection, that they didn't trust us to to be able to handle the truth or whatever it might be in your situation.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But it that's the heartbreaking part because all of a sudden the trust is broken.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can't trust that person anymore.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And because we know that what they're saying or what they're doing and what's happening in the situation, are what they're saying and doing isn't what's happening.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they're not the same thing, but they're saying one thing and doing another, or they're you know, all these things, and it it just it can make us feel insignificant, like an object less than and it makes us feel horrible.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I do I don't I don't like how that feels.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um because we trusted them and we believed what they told us, and we built our understanding of the reality between us based on what they told us.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for you know, that's particularly for lying and manipulation, the other things can can be be different, like realizing that they were coercing us or realizing they were shaming us.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Is a whole like that's it's painful.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's painful to accept that that's what's happening.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think for a lot of times we we don't want to even see see that the fact that we're lying.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: We can kind of almost lie to ourselves about how people are treating us because we don't want to believe that we don't want to believe that they're capable of those things.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to believe that, you know, I know for my brother and watching, watching and listening to him try and manipulate me and me seeing that in him.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like I don't want I don't want that to be true of him.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want these things to be true of my my family, that that they're doing this to me.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And we we realize that they were they're they're managing us, they're withholding or not telling us the whole truth and it to serve their own purposes, and it makes us feel it's just gross.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel gross sometimes, and and then we question what happened and whether we can trust them or not, and it feels like a complete violation of who we are as a soul, that they're not seeing us and and really caring for who we are, that that they're completely self-centered and completely in their own their their own thing, that they can't step out and see us too.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then what can happen is that I think we end up being hard on ourselves as highly sensitive people.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: We you know, we we can be we can say, why didn't I see it?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you know why did I believe that person?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I ignore my feelings and my intuition that sort of had little alarm bells ringing, you know, little um, you know, and why did I let someone treat me this way?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, like I said before, it's important to just be kind and gentle to ourselves because what we wanted, we especially if it's like I said, a partner, um a wife or um a family member, they're kind of like they're kind of part of who we are.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: We've let them into our bubble.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not such a big deal when it's I mean, it's not not such a big deal.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean to make light of it, but it's it's less painful and grievous when it's like a coworker or or you know, an acquaintance, right?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the closer, the closer in they are to our inner circle of people, the more painful it is.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the more we may self-deceive ourselves because we want we want them in our lives.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: We want their love, we want to be loved by them.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: We want, you know, and I realized for myself too, it's like the you know, these we build these relationships, there's stories we want to hold on to and and traditions.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's all sorts of things that we want to keep in when it comes to our relationship with that other.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we can try and just brush off things we know that they're lying about or things that they we know they're manipulating us about, things you know, and I did that for a long time with with um my family members.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it just got to a place where it got really exhausting.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I wasn't honoring my own boundaries and my own self and my own um soul to just kind of continue to allow that behavior, and because it is like small stabs every time it happens, it's like, oh.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think there can be a feeling of you know that if we allow it to continue to happen, there's a feeling of maybe betraying ourselves.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then we can be hard on ourselves.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I think we just need to really be kind and not take it on.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Their actions, their behaviors, their words are to do with them and their stuff, and them having not done some of the psychological work or dealing with their own patterns and why they do the things they do.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not up to us to let them off the hook for those things.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: We may see why they're doing them.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I think there needs sometimes we just need to put up boundaries and say, I like I'm not gonna be treated that way.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And but also lastly, I think we can end up in a place where when it happens often enough with different people in our lives over and over, we can start to question who can we trust?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can I trust anyone?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we can start to harden our harden ourselves and create a shell and a boundary and not trust anyone.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a really hard place to be in because it's this world we're living in right now, it's there's yeah, I don't I don't know the answer to that.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have an answer to that one yet.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still working on that.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of why it's just like I live in a bubble with me and my husband in it, because I trust him.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: I trust him.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: I trust him.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I think yeah, I don't have an answer for how do we know.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we can.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we can know if someone's going to betray us and in that way.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's part of the journey, I guess, of being human.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And and there's just yeah, that we be betrayed.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And but I think when the the betrayal is deep enough, we can just kind of need some time, some time to recover.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And and maybe it is about cutting ourselves off for a while from people before, you know, to be able to understand what it is that we need and to be able to have clear boundaries with ourselves and others, and to be able to honor our own intuition and feeling more readily when we when we enter into relationships with others, you know, at the first sign of things, kind of questioning that or or you know, finding ways of dealing with that.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, if you have been through this process of being betrayed, of grieving in that that place, please know you're not alone.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you'd like to share your story below, I would be honored to witness it.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And read every comment.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you are, um, I'm just so honored and blessed that you're here in the in the Light Bears Library and and share so readily your what you're going through.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: It helps me to feel not so alone, and I know people who read the comments also say the same.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: So lastly, I would like to invite you to the Light Bears Library Sunday Live coming up this weekend.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a wonderful place to be together and laugh and have a bit more lighthearted.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: These journal entries can be heavier, and these are places to just witness, to witness the pain, to witness whatever, whatever's coming up.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: But it's nice to just be with with others, other highly sensitive men who have gone through a lot of these same things and to just to just talk and laugh and be together.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a wonderful, wonderful.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's the highlight of my week.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I would I would um invite you to join us.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I wish you so many blessings.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Signing off for now, XOXO Kate.