Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Humiliates You
Transcript
- Lucas: So we're going to talk about something today that I think a lot of us have experienced but rarely name: a boss who uses humiliation as a management tactic. Not just criticism, not just blunt feedback — actual public embarrassment designed to correct or control. Luna: Yeah, that line between 'tough feedback' and 'humiliation' can get really blurry. I've seen managers who think they're being 'direct' when they're actually humiliating. Lucas: Exactly. Let me give you a specific case. I spoke with a product manager at a Fortune 500 tech company — we'll call her Maria. Maria's boss, a senior director, would routinely single her out in weekly all-hands meetings. He'd say things like, 'Maria, this slide is confusing. Did you even review it?' In front of forty people. Luna: Oof. That's not feedback — that's shaming. And it's especially damaging because the audience is also your peers. Lucas: Right. And the boss thought he was 'raising standards.' But the effect was the opposite: Maria's team started avoiding bringing up issues, and her own performance actually slipped because she was terrified of the next meeting. Research backs this up. A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that public humiliation reduces team performance by about 25 percent — people retreat into defensive mode. Luna: That's a huge number. So what did Maria do? She couldn't exactly call him out in the moment. Lucas: No, and that's the key. She used what I call the 'non-anxious presence' approach — a term borrowed from family therapy. Instead of reacting with shame or anger, she stayed calm and asked a clarifying question. In the moment, she said, 'John, can you help me understand what specifically you'd like changed? I want to get it right.' It shifts the dynamic from punishment to problem-solving. Luna: That is smart. It takes the wind out of his sails and makes him articulate the actual issue. Plus, it models professionalism for the rest of the team. Lucas: Exactly. But there's a second step that's even more important: documentation. Maria started keeping a simple log — date, time, what was said, who was present. She didn't share it with anyone at first, but it gave her a record. And when the behavior didn't stop, she had a pattern to show HR. Luna: And I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. They feel like documenting is being petty or 'building a case.' But it's actually protecting yourself — and it's the only way to prove a pattern. Lucas: Right. Because one comment can be dismissed as 'a bad day.' Twelve comments over three months is a pattern. And HR needs patterns to act. So the third piece is building a support network — not to gang up on the boss, but to have witnesses and sounding boards. Maria found two trusted colleagues who had also experienced similar treatment. They didn't all go to HR together, but they validated each other's reality. Luna: Validation is huge. When you're being humiliated regularly, you start to doubt yourself. You think, 'Maybe I am the problem.' Having someone say, 'No, that's not okay' is critical. Lucas: Exactly. So those are the three steps: non-anxious presence in the moment, documentation over time, and building a support network. But there's a fourth, harder question: when do you escalate or leave? Luna: And I think that depends on whether the boss is capable of change. Some people, when you use that clarifying question, they realize they're being a jerk and they back off. Others double down. Lucas: Yeah. Maria's boss did not change. After three months of documentation, she went to HR with the pattern. HR had a conversation with him, and he actually got defensive and accused her of being 'too sensitive.' That's when Maria knew she had to leave. She found another role internally within six months. Luna: And that's a victory, even though it's not the ideal outcome. She didn't let him wreck her career — she protected her trajectory by moving. Lucas: Absolutely. And here's the thing: humiliation is often a sign of a manager who lacks emotional intelligence or is under immense pressure themselves. Not that it excuses it, but understanding the root can help you depersonalize it. It's not about you — it's about their inability to manage their own anxiety. Luna: I think that perspective can be really freeing. It's not that you deserve it; it's that they can't cope. And once you see that, you can plan your next move without the emotional weight. Lucas: Let's talk about one more case: a friend of mine named Sarah worked for a small agency where the CEO would mock people's accents in team meetings. That's a whole different level — not just poor management, but potentially a hostile work environment. Luna: That's crossing into legal territory. And it's also something you don't necessarily have to handle alone. Lucas: Right. In Sarah's case, she found an ally in HR who took it seriously. The CEO was forced into coaching, and eventually the behavior stopped. But it took someone with institutional power to intervene. That's why the support network matters — it can include people in HR or senior leadership who have your back. Luna: So to recap: your first line of defense is your own presence and questions; second is documentation; third is allies; and fourth is knowing when to walk away. Lucas: And maybe a fifth: don't internalize the humiliation. It's a tactic, not a truth. I'll say that again — it's a tactic, not a truth. If you can remember that, you've already won half the battle. Luna: That's a good note to end on. But before we wrap up — and this ties in because we talk about support and community — I want to mention something briefly. You know how we keep this podcast ad-free and independent? That's because listeners like you support us. If this episode helped you think through a tough work situation, and you'd like to help us keep making these conversations, you can do that over at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a small gesture, but it really helps us stay free of ads and sponsors. Lucas: Yeah, and we're grateful for every bit of support. It lets us focus on the content without worrying about pleasing advertisers. So, thanks for considering that. Now, back to the topic — one last thing: if you're dealing with a humiliating boss, your number one job is to protect your self-worth. Everything else — the job, the title, the company — is replaceable. You are not. Luna: Hear, hear. And we'll be back next week with another strategy for surviving a difficult boss. Until then, take care of yourselves.