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S2 Ep25: Quick & Dirty: Comedians Get Candid 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_10: The day I found out about blowjobs it was a pivotal day of my life.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_10: It was um I remember the date actually.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_10: It was September 11th, 2001, and I don't know what else happened that day.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_10: Devastated.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_10: I couldn't understand it.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_10: At first I go, blowjob, blow.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_10: Do you blow on it?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_10: Remember that?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_10: Remember for a couple seconds you go, you blow it.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_10: You wish.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_10: You wish that's all you had to do to it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, that'd be a cakewalk.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_10: It's much more invasive than that.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_10: Um blowing on it.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_10: No, I didn't, I couldn't believe you have to like suck it.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_10: You have to like French a dick.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_10: I thought I could maybe like like peck it, but you gotta peck French it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_12: I was walking down and I was I was coming through the alleyway and I was like, this is really some full circle shit.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_12: Cause the last dude I fucked, I met at a bar right over there.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_12: The last dick I took, I met right over there.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_12: Crazy, that was the last dick I sucked.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_11: Wow.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_12: Every time I think about it, my mind's blown like, bitch, you was sucking dicks.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_12: I don't like dicks at all.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_12: Like I know that for a fact.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_12: I don't like dicks.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_12: I don't even like wearing them when bitches ask me to wear them.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_12: I don't like dicks.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_12: And I was sucking whole dicks, just putting them in my mouth.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_12: The shit will do to fit in, you know?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_12: I just wanted to be friends with my friends.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_12: I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group, like, yeah, girl, the balls are salty like that.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_12: The balls be salty as fuck, I know, girl.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_09: I lost my virginity late.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_09: I lost it when I was financially independent.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I went through my bank statements, like, I could afford to have a dick in me.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_09: Just like so responsible.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_09: All my other friends lost it under a Backstreet Boys poster in their mom's house, and I lost it under an IKEA painting that I purchased with a coupon.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_09: But I'm glad I was raised that way because it taught me how to choose sexual partners in a very responsible way, okay?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_09: Because when I was younger and I was waiting, I would tell guys, I'm not ready to have sex yet.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_09: Is that okay?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_09: And anytime guys are really cool about that decision, that just made me want to have sex with them more because there is nothing hotter than someone respecting your boundaries.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_09: You're just like, what?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_09: Take your pants off, get over here.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_09: The hottest thing you can say to a girl is, hey, we don't have to do anything.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_09: Now we do.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then I thought, well, wait a minute, how am I gonna get a guy to be interested in me unless he thinks I'm experienced?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: No guy wants to sleep with a virgin.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that either.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I spread a rumor about myself.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I told everyone that at age 18, entering college in 1992, that I'd already fucked ten guys.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of ten guys.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, not now, but then that was a lot.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Ten guys at 18 was a lot.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Some people don't have 10 people in their town.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ten guys.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And 1992 was an innocent, innocent time.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Beverly Hills 90200, Brenda and Dylan, they waited a year to lose their virginity to each other.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Dylan was an alcoholic who lived by himself.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: He was a virgin.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was an innocent time.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So then no guys wanted to have sex with me because they thought I had an STD because I'd fucked 10 guys.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went year after year after year not getting laid until I met someone who transferred into my college my senior year, and he hadn't heard the rumors and I didn't tell him.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, we had sex, it was fun, it was fine.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember every detail because it was so long ago, but it was lovely.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I walked home that day, just you know, listening to my disc man, listening to Madonna, you know, the bedtime stories album.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I get it, I'm sexual too, Matt.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um, but something stopped me dead in my tracks as I was walking, and I was like, wait a minute, my hymen didn't break.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's another thing they teach us girls.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: We have a hymen.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's a piece of skin that's somewhere in our vagina, and a penis pokes it, and we bleed, and we get the sheets dirty, and we suck, and fuck you, and now you're dumped.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So now my hymen didn't break, and I was like, uh-oh.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I hope my hymen didn't get pushed up into my body, and now it's strangling, you know, my internal organs.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what a hymen is.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: How strong is it?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: How does it work?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I gotta go to a doctor.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went to the school nurse, but I didn't want to, you know, act like I just lost my virginity, so I tried to play it all cash.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I just walked in, I was like, hey, quick question.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um I lost my virginity, whatever that was, uh, my hymen didn't break.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: What's up with that?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Oh, that's kind of an old wives tale.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's fine if you ever used a tampon or ridden a horse or took a dance class, it can stretch, it can break.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I go, Okay, it can't get shoved up and start strangling your organs.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, it's a tissue.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I go, can it get wadded up?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: No, not a tissue, like it's a.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I go, oh, okay, okay.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: She looks at my chart, she's like, ooh, about to turn 22.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, so you didn't just lose your virginity, did you?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, uh, no, I fuck like 10 guys.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I got my first STD test.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_04: How many of y'all men, by a round of applause, know that Viagra works his ass off, makes some noise?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_04: Thank all 12 of y'all for your honesty and your dedication.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_04: The rest of you lying sacks of shit.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_04: Some of you men tried to break your hands, not clapping you.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_04: What do you say?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_04: Who been to Niagara?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_04: I ain't never been to Niagara, that's what he said.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_04: Every man in here knows Viagra works.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_04: Most shit for men does not work.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_04: Viagra is not one of them.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_04: Viagra works its ass off.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_04: That shit works too good.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_04: And every man either knows it because you needed it, you prayed to God for it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_04: For the first time in your life, you said your prayer with your dick in your hand, Jessica.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: Heavenly Father, this is your humble servant, Lord.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_03: You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus, and if you would just lay those same mighty hands on my penile region.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_04: You either know it because you needed it, you prayed to God for it, or you didn't need it.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_04: You just figured you'd try.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_04: See what the fuck it would do.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_04: Before you did need it.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_04: But either way, you know Viagra works its ass.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_04: As soon as you swallow it, it goes right to your dick immediately.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_04: You like, wait a minute, I'm not even ready.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_04: As a man, you be trying to figure out is it even gonna make my dick big enough for me to even notice?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_04: Shit.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_04: Viagra make your dick bigger than you have ever seen it before in your life.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_04: You don't even wanna touch it, it look like another nigga's dick.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_04: You just be looking at it.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_08: That's how the vibrator was invented.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_08: Did you guys know that?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, because this doctor, he had so many ladies pulling up in horse and buggies and stagecoaches.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_08: He was like, I cannot keep this shit up all day.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_08: Seriously, I'm gonna get tendonitis.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_08: What the fuck is that?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_08: So he invented the vibrator.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_08: And by the way, first vibrator, awesome, had a hand crank.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_08: You had to crank that shit.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_08: Like you're watching an old silent film or making ice cream.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_08: There was a this is my favorite vibrator.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_08: It was like a fucking power washer.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_08: Like women would just stand there and they would just get like a fire hose to the cooch, right?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_08: Swear to god, they called it a pelvic douche.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_08: It looked like something you'd use to clean aluminum siding.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_08: How the fucking awesome is that?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_08: I feel like most women do most of their masturbating in the shower.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_08: Am I alone?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_08: Little removable shower head, little mah, mah, mah, mah, mah, mah.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_08: If you don't have a removable shower head, you can always make do with the bathtub faucet.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_08: Where's my faucet lady's hat?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_08: There's a faucet lady right here.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_08: There you are.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_08: And some of you look confused.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_08: You ever try the faucet?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_08: I like the guys are like, what the fuck's going on in the bathtub?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_07: People are very stressed out about the sex robots.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_07: I have yet to hear an argument against them that I buy.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_07: Everyone's like, aren't you worried they're gonna replace human women?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_07: Get the fuck out of here.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_07: One of my own girlfriends was like, Aren't you worried they're gonna replace us?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_07: If you're worried about being replaced by a giant piece of plastic, you're not bringing that much to the table in the first place.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_07: So I need you to watch a TED talk anyway.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_07: Also, they're not gonna replace human women.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_07: That's an insulting argument to women.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_07: If anything, they will replace blow-up dolls, which by the way, I love that that was a product.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_07: Guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes, and Matt wasn't freaking anybody out.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_07: This is where we draw the line.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: 30-year-old men got decisions to make too.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like, who they gonna bring home to mama?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: You know, am I gonna bring the hoe home?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: Or the reform one, like a like a denim hygienist.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_13: Y'all know they home.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_13: You can see it in their eyes.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_13: You be like, used to be a home.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_13: This is a denim hygienist.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_06: If them people knew where they put them fingers, people that three months later, she got on their tour bus and she told them, and guess what?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_06: They all accepted.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_06: If you are not familiar, there are nine guys in the Wu Tang clan.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_06: Nine! So many guys.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_06: That's so many.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_06: Can we park for a moment at how many dicks nine is?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_06: I don't even understand how anyone's sitting in their seat right now.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_06: There's people out here like, hmm, what else you got?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_06: Are you shitting me?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_06: That's not a lot.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_06: Close your eyes and picture nine dicks.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_06: You're like, oh my god, they're everywhere.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, because there's nine of them.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_06: That's why.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not slut shaming, I'm saying objectively, nine is a lot of anything.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_06: Like, if I was like, I had cinnamon rolls today, and you're like, how many do you have?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_06: I had nine.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_06: You mean take you to the emergency room or you're gonna lose a foot by the morning.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_06: We should go.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_06: Nine dicks?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_06: Are you fucking shitting me?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_06: Some of you, it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_06: This was a Thursday for this young lady.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: She won't even fuck me if I'm sick.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm getting sick off the table, I will definitely have sex with her when she's sick.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: I did it Tuesday.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting ready to fly to Cleveland.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: I go, hey, we should uh bang one out, put one in the books, you know?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Oh, I'm getting sick.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, hunker.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I don't want to get you sick.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, we'll practice safe sex.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, you are gonna wear a condom.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Doggy style, so you cough into the wall.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: You got a cold woman, not AIDS.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Spin it around, Doc Holiday.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Let's hit this shit.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: There is no better feeling than a woman coughing during sex.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Am I right, guys?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: When it first happens, it catches you off guard.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, whoa! Bear down, cowgirl! You're not getting bucked off this Bronco, not with that grip strength.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Holy chasing Amy, Chinese fingercuffs.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: Remind me to use that thing when we gotta open a jar.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_05: The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex is that we were having sex in positions that you couldn't play off.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_05: You know, there's some sexual positions that you can play off.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_05: There's a lot of couples here tonight.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_05: I see you with your lady, sir.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_05: If you and your lady having sex and your lady laying on the side and your kids come busting the room, you can play that off.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_05: All you gotta do is sit up, act like you're watching TV.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, hey, hey! Fuck out of here.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_05: Don't come back in here until we're done watching TV.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_05: If you're real good and you got your bottom half covered up, when you sit up, you can technically keep fucking while you talking.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, hey, hey, get your ass out the goddamn room.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_05: Don't come in the goddamn room.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_05: Your lady be trying to talk.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_05: Don't come in here.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_05: This is my favorite part of this show.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_05: You can play it off.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_05: Missionary.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_05: You can play that off.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_05: You and your lady having sex in a missionary position, and your kids come busting the room, all you gotta do is fall down and collapse on your lady.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_05: Make it look like you sleep.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_05: Kids are stupid.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_05: They'll believe it.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_05: Doggy style is tough.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_05: That's a tough one.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_05: Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_05: That's that's tough to play off.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_05: You caught it.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_05: Like, what do you do?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_05: What do you do?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_05: Oh sh shit.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_05: You got one move.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_05: You got one move.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_05: You gotta make it look like you're playing American football.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_05: You just gotta get your ass out of here.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_05: We're going over football plays.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_05: Get out of here.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_05: We're playing against a couple from down the street this week.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_05: Get your ass up out of here.