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Love or Convenience: When the Ex Comes Back · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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Music.
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No filters, no limits.
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Just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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Well hello diva cat hello diva mia
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how are you doing good it's been a while the
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spring break i know it's crazy yes how
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did you have a good spring break oh yeah let me have fun oh wonder staycation
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is the best staycations are good well today we're gonna kind of go over exes
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come back okay when a narcissist comes back there's a term for it oh wow it's it's called hoovering.
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It's called hoovering because they come back because they want to get a fix
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again from your energy. Is it really?
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That's true. They feel and they don't necessarily want you back.
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They just want to see if they can still manipulate you. Ah, I see.
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They still want to see they could have control over you.
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And if they can push your buttons and if you have any feelings for them.
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They'll do things like say, I've changed. I miss you.
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I just want to talk to you. Oh, wow.
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Don't you remember the good times or they start the
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whole love bombing process all over again because their new supply of
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whatever is not doing it for them you have
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to be really strong and not to fall all over again you
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do but if the narcissist if you have weren't a bad narcissist relationship
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i think at that point you're like never again especially
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if you fully recovered from the first time is it really yeah it's it's tough
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though i will say because there is like a trauma bond created between you and
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the narcissist yeah at this point it's just you that's it you know it's kind
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of funny too because you look at it and you're like wow i see all the ways they
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manipulated me before and i'm not falling for it again.
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Oh, my God. It's true. Like, they pick up the song, your favorite song. It's true.
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Well, they'll do just silly stuff. Like, they'll start and they'll say,
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oh, I'm going to come over and help you with something.
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And that's how they start. It's part of their love bombing.
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Because typically, if you've gone through a divorce or a serious breakup,
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unless you're, like, having a health issue or something, the narcissist shouldn't
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be coming back. Yeah, yeah.
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You'll see it because it's a little different. They're coy about it.
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They're not going to be emotional, but they'll be like, they'll give a little
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and then they'll pull it back and then they'll give a little.
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Like, they'll be like all concerned and caring and then they'll abruptly say, I got to go. Oh, wow.
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It's one and the same. Oh, my God. And why would you put yourself through that again?
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Exactly. Now, there are times when people come back and they weren't a narcissist in the first time.
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Maybe you guys broke up because you just grew apart. There wasn't cheating involved.
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Maybe there's been some time between the breakup.
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Maybe you want to just get back with the person. They go around and now they
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realize there's nothing better out there.
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Yeah, maybe it's been five or ten. No, I don't know if there's nothing better.
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But maybe it's been five or ten years and they've been out there dating.
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You've been out there dating.
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And all of a sudden, you want to get back with the person because you really
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miss them. Or they've changed. The big fan, guys, is if they've changed.
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Well, I actually know somebody that remarried three times. Really?
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Yes. Same person? Same person.
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How many years in between do you know? I don't know, but by the time we know
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them, they're already on their third marriage.
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And they're both in their 60s and their 70s.
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And I think they did it just because they're miserably comfortable together
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and they realize it, you know?
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Either that, they're getting old. They're afraid no one's going to take care
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of them because one is 65, one is 70.
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Well, miserably comfortable is a thing. So I did have that podcast on that as
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well a while ago. But it is a thing where people go back because comfort is,
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or being comfortable is more important than change.
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And that's not a good thing because they may end up breaking up again.
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I don't know. They think that this is it for them because one is 65,
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one is 70. So I don't know.
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Well, that is something. I went back to a high school reunion.
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75% of the people, and that was a very small high school reunion.
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75% of the people had remarried their same spouse. See?
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And I was like, oh my goodness. And this is right after I got divorced. Oh my God. Wow.
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What do you think? That's not happening to me. No? No, not happening.
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Okay. I was just like, wow, that's amazing. I'm telling you,
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people don't make change like as much as you do.
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I know. Well, you're the fighter though. That's the difference.
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Yeah. Sometimes once you get out of the comfort, I think the best way or the
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best way to come out of a relationship is to embrace change. Yeah.
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Because otherwise you're going to be the same person in the next relationship,
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which means you're going to attract the same person. So unless you're willing
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to make some significant change in you, then you're going to have the exact
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same relationship you just had.
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And if the last relationship was not healthy or toxic, you're going to create,
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you're going to retract the same old toxic relationship.
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That's true. So you got to change you in order to grow as a person and grow as a relationship.
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Well, not too many people realize that though. Do you know what I mean?
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I know, but now they do because I just told them. Now, whether they internalize
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that or not, it's a different story, but that's what you have to do in order to grow as a person.
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Right. These couple we met, they talked about it over the wine and were like,
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oh, this is our third marriage. I said, oh, wow.
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Like, you guys re-knew the vibe? No, we divorced and we remarried again.
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I mean, we haven't met them that long, so we don't know the deep story.
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You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's interesting how people can actually do that. I know.
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I'm not sure. Can you? No, I never would.
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Yeah. It's interesting how people can just leave a relationship for a reason.
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There's always a reason, right? When you leave a relationship,
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you don't leave when it's good. You're leaving because it's not good.
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Right. You're not growing or something's happened. Because divorce is a big thing.
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Oh, yeah. For someone to remarry three times.
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It's expensive, too.
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Is it? I mean, I guess you get half your shit back, but.
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It's expensive. Yeah, I know. I don't know. I don't know the whole, you know, situation.
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I mean, the financial system, they might have separate financials for them to do like three terms.
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The attorneys, I'm sure, made out. Oh, yeah. I want to be a lawyer.
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Dying come back as a divorce attorney. Right. You know, there is always a saying
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that says they always come back. Do they?
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Sometimes they do. I don't think they always do. But it seems to be just when
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you start healing or growing or moving on or glowing up, as they call it,
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that's when they come back. Is it really?
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Yeah, it's like you look better. You're doing better.
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Maybe you're doing better at work or money or your health is improving.
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Uh-huh. And they come back. How do you respond?
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I don't know. I know. You tell me.
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For me, I'm just cordial. I don't show any emotion because I know that if I
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show any emotion, it'll get used against me.
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I'm just cordial. And I'm at the point now where when I see them again,
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it doesn't even bother me. Is it really?
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Doesn't turn my stomach anymore. Used to make me nauseous.
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Doesn't really have a physical effect on me. Uh-huh. And it just is. And I'm just too tired.
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That relationship exhausted me to the point that I'm just too tired to give a damn.
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Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just be neutral?
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Doesn't like show emotion?
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Doesn't keep any advice? Like no yay or nay?
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Whatever they want, I just don't even care. I just let it go. I let it be.
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There's not one ounce of me that has emotion left for that.
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Well, I look at your pictures before and now.
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You look much better than I. You know, I was in a toxic relationship and I really ate my feelings.
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Yeah. And if you are in a toxic relationship, one of the side effects or the
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consequences of being in a toxic relationship is you gain weight.
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You turn to food. Or you turn to alcohol. Yeah. Or you turn to drugs.
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Or you just get depressed and have to get on antipsychotics.
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I mean, if you're in a toxic relationship and any of those things are happening, it's a sign.
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It's like a side effect of a drug. I mean, the side effect of a toxic relationship
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is weight gain. If you've gained a lot of weight, it might be the toxic relationship.
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And I've seen a lot of couples, some of them gain weight together.
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But if you see one person gaining more weight than the other,
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you're like, ooh, that might be a toxic relationship.
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Yes. Yeah. Because one of the people is not happy. That's so true.
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Now, there's times where people gain weight. There's times when somebody had
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babies and they gained weight. But if you maintain a heavier weight and you're
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just not happy because people use food to get away from the other partner.
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That's so true. People always can wait when they're happy, too, though. Maybe.
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Like, we can wait together. Now we try to lose weight together.
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Well, yeah, but you did it together.
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Yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, right now, whatever you do, keep on doing.
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Well, you know, I feel safe now.
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Mm-hmm. I think the wait was like a protection.
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Ah, you need extra cushion. I don't know if I needed extra cushion.
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I was a little chunky there for a while. I needed space
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and I think a part of me thought that if
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I wasn't attractive he would leave me alone I was not
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feeling safe and I felt very untrusting I think
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all the signs were there but I stayed for the kids I think a lot of people do
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that oh yeah they stay for the kids and when they do that they lose themselves
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my best friend stayed for 30 years till the first one 21 and the second one
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18 I would never want to go back to that misery though that is true because the misery made me fat.
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It put me in a place where I was really unhappy.
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And I don't ever want to be that unhappy again. I think when you come out and
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you're like, oh, I feel good, the weight just falls off.
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I mean, it really does. Because I had freedom. I was never really addicted to
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food. I just was using it as a way to get away.
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It was an escape, kind of like people get drunk and people do drugs.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess this could be worse, you know? It could be alcohol
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or drugs. Well, I drank a little bit then too.
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So, you know, I did have my bottle of wine here and there.
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Oh, I love wine. I don't drink anymore, but it was definitely a way to avoid.
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And so now when it comes back, I'm like, I know how much happier and how much
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more peaceful my life is now.
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That I don't think I'd ever want a man to muck at that. Oh, yeah.
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Because I don't want someone to muck up my piece.
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Yeah. Right now, I think your feeling is all about you. You feel good about
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yourself. It's all about me.
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Any man will come along. They better be damn fine line. That's what I'm thinking.
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Yeah. They better not cross my lines. Yeah.
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I have boundaries. Yeah. We're back. Yes. And I'm happy. Yes.
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Let's talk about why they come back.
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Sometimes they're just lonely. Oh, yeah. Definitely. You know,
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sometimes they're with somebody and they just don't have the same connection they had with you. Yeah.
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Because remember, if you're with somebody for a long time, that connection is
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always going to be there.
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Yeah. So sometimes they're lonely because they can't, they realize they left
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maybe for someone younger, maybe for like mine that was way older. Way older.
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So sometimes they just, they get lonely because it's just, it's not the same.
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You know what they say, the old say, they say about you don't realize how much
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you have till you lose it. You don't realize how much you have till it's gone.
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Yes. And that's like nostalgia, right? The good old days. Yes.
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So when you're thinking about that, you like got the nostalgia for,
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man, we had so much fun doing this or we had so much fun doing that.
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And when you go through a divorce, people say a lot of nasty things.
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When they actually calm down and look back, I'm sure you had some good times too.
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Yeah. Otherwise, I mean, I had terrible times, but I had some great times,
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too. See? So, otherwise, you wanted to stay ever.
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Yeah. The bad times, for me, the bad times now, looking back,
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outweigh the good. But there were some really good times.
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And I have to. I appreciate those. Right. It wasn't all that.
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You know, it's kind of funny because I would always ask my...
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My ex to do stuff. And he'd say he'd get to it and he never did.
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And now I need stuff done and he'll show up once in a while and do it. And I don't even ask.
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Isn't that something? It's weird. Sometimes they're also just curious about
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your new life. Like maybe they see you with someone, maybe you've leveled up.
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They're curious to see, oh, what does she do now? Or how, how is this new guy?
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Ooh, could I get back in there? You know, especially if you've lost weight or
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making more money than you used to.
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Oh, yeah. They're curious to see, wow, what's different?
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You think they'll be friend again, you know? You know, I'll be cordial with my ex.
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When a person betrays your trust, I think, it's really hard to want to be friends with that.
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Because the reality is, I don't want to be friends with my ex's girlfriend either
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because she was my friend too.
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Oh, my God. So I don't want to be friends with her.
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I can't trust anyone. And this may come, you know, this may sound really snooty,
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but I don't trust people that cheat. Oh, yeah.
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Cheat never worked. I don't trust friends that cheat either. Yeah.
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In my circle of friends, I don't have any friends that have cheated on their spouses. Mm-hmm.
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Because if they have, they won't be my friend. Yeah. You know what they say?
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Once a cheater, always a cheater. They say that, but it's also,
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you know, it says a lot about someone's personality. That's what I'm going to
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say. And I'm probably going to upset some people on this podcast.
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That's true. Oh, but if you're cheating on your spouse, you really need to look
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inward and see where your integrity is.
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Yes. And where your moral code of ethics is.
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Because if you're cheating, that means you're also lying. If there's children
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involved, you're also cheating on the children.
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Oh, yeah. Completely destroying your family intentionally. For a person to do that,
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I don't really want to hang out with them. That's so true. Even if they're a
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friend, let's say it's a girlfriend that cheated on her spouse.
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I wouldn't want to hang out with her either.
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You don't need a lot of friends. You just need one good friend.
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I don't date men that have cheated. Oh yeah, no, no.
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Because if they've cheated on their spouse, again, once a cheater,
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always a cheater, they'll cheat on me too.
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That's true. So one of my big requirements is that if you've cheated,
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I need to know up front. So I guess that's kind of why, like,
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I'll mention that I got divorced to see if I can pry out of them why they got divorced.
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Yeah, okay. Would you think they're going to tell you the truth,
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though, if they cheat? I have.
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You did? I had one guy tell me that, so he was married, he had three kids and a baby on the way.
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He, whenever his wife would get pregnant, she didn't want to have sex. Ah, okay.
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Is what he told me. He had a very high libido, and he told me that he ended up cheating on her.
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And now he wants to have more of an open relationship with somebody.
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He wants to date two women because he lives in two different locations.
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Well, he wanted to date me in where I live. He was dating the other person.
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I was like, wow, so you cheat on your wife, huh? And he's like,
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yeah. He's like, I was like, well, was it only one time? He goes,
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actually, no, it was with two different women.
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Oh, my God. And I was just like, see the pattern?
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Yeah. And if it's a pattern and they tell you about it, then believe them.
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Now, he was a very good looking man. He was very, he had a lot of great qualities.
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He was well off. He was good looking. I think he was well endowed.
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Up until that, he was sweet. But that was such a big red flag for me that I
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just shut it down before I even started doing anything with them.
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Good for you. Oh, of course. Yeah.
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That's the last thing I need is to get in a relationship like that.
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That's emotionally destructive.
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I mean, if you really want to get depressed, go get in a very toxic relationship
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right off the bat after a divorce.
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Yeah. But there's some women do willing to date those kind of men,
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though, because they are the same women. Some women like that.
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And that's your choice, right? I'm not going to judge.
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Yeah. You can cheat on your spouse.
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I'm not going to judge. That is true. I'm just saying, take a look inward. Yeah.
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And if you're okay with what you see, good on you. Yeah. I just would not be.
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For me, and specifically for me, I just don't date cheaters.
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And I think this country, and a lot of countries, have lost their way.
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When you make a verbal vow and a commitment, some would say before God,
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some say between your friends and family, some say to your spouse, to everyone.
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When you make this verbal vow that says that you're going to be with that person
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exclusively for the rest of your life, and then you break that vow, I don't trust you. Yeah.
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Because if you're going to do that, I don't even trust you in business.
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Because if you're going to do that, how am I even going to be able to trust? If you cheat on your.
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Leader in business. Never. I don't think so. I don't trust you. No.
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I don't trust that you'll stick to your word. Or if you do tell me something,
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there's always going to be a manipulation or a lie behind it.
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So you have to be very careful with that.
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Now, some people, they have a moral compass that says that cheating isn't bad,
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or maybe they had an open relationship and that's fine.
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You know that's that's two
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different things but if you fully cheat on someone you
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got to be careful and then when you want to go back and expect
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them to even entertain you going back it's going
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to be a hard uphill climb yeah because when you go back that whole level of
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trust i don't think you'll ever get it back no that was the thing for me is
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i felt like i lost my my innocence because i had never trusted anyone like I
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trusted my ex in my life. I trusted him fully.
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I never in a million years would have thought he would cheat on me. I learned my lesson.
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Now the question is, will I trust someone in the future? Not only that,
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with your friend, you're never going to trust anyone.
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It's going to be hard. It's going to be hard. I don't think I've ever opened myself up fully.
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I mean, I was vulnerable with that one guy from out of
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state and I did open myself quite
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a lot to him but that's not
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working out either so we'll see yeah
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you know it's a journey i'm kind of nervous about
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fully opening up to trust someone at that level again
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because when you do it's really damaging if they betray your trust right you're
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gonna afraid like you'll be fall on fall down on the same question yeah here's
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the thing when i'm with someone and i'm exclusive now if we're still dating
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and he's dating other people and i'm dating other people that's one thing but
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if i'm exclusively with the man.
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I'm not cheating. No. Even if we're not married.
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Right. If we talk about, I just want to be with you, and he says,
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That, to me, is a commitment, right? Yeah. So if you start cheating on a person
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that you're exclusive with, that's considered cheating.
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Also, it doesn't matter if they're not labeling you. So even if I don't get
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remarried or don't get remarried right away, I mean, it's going to take a lot
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for me to trust somebody even at that level.
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That's going to be tough. Hence why I don't want to go back. Yeah.
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Right? But it's also a challenge going forward, right? It's a challenge because
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when you move forward in a relationship, that's one of the issues.
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You have very high quality in your diva, Miaz.
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Well, we'll see. Yeah. The other thing is when they come back,
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I think they do it a lot of times because they need their ego boosted.
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Especially if they're narcissistic. They love to have their ego boosted.
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They need that ego boost.
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They still want to see what they could do. They want to see if they can control
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you or if they can get you back. And be weary because sometimes when they come
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back and they want to get you back, it's just to boost their ego.
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And then as soon as you come back, they drop you again. Ah, yeah.
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And this can happen not just in marriages. It can happen in just relationships.
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Oh, yeah. Boyfriend, girlfriend or anything. Boyfriend, girlfriend.
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If you have a hot, cold, hot, cold type of person, be careful because they're probably a narcissist.
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That's a typical trait of a narcissist. They come on strong,
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then they go cold, then they come on strong, then they go cold.
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And if they do that, honestly, I don't think they're that into you. Yeah.
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But some people just let it come back, back and forth, back and forth.
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I know that my good friend of mine, twin boyfriend and girlfriend,
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they broke up, they get back, they broke up, they get back.
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But maybe because now back then we were young, you know, we're teenagers.
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So what do we know? Well, I have a friend who is out of state,
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my friend from out of state. And I call him a friend now because he's done that too.
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He's done the hot cold with me. mm-hmm i think
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i put up with it for a little bit a few weeks and
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then i realized i don't like it the hot cold doesn't work for me it
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to me it feels it feels very narcissistic it feels very
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manipulative i want a man that's going to be all in with me i don't want a man
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that's half-assing it and if they're going to just half-ass it uh-huh they're
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just going to be in the friend zone so they're now in the friend zone and there's
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really nothing else i want okay because i expect a man In fact,
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I expect friends to be more than that. You know, they're out of state, so I get it.
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But I expect a man to be all in. And if they're not all in, I don't want them. Yeah, I don't blame you.
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One of the other things is sometimes you have some unfinished business.
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Yeah. Like one of the things could be that you have children.
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If you have children, it's kind of difficult to walk away and leave it just completely done.
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So maybe they're coming back because you have unfinished business.
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They may want you back. They may not. And it may just be that they have to deal with stuff. Mm-hmm.
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And I think the timing matters too. Yeah. So if they're coming back and you're
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in a brand new relationship and
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they're just doing it to break up your relationship, that's so vindictive.
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Mm-hmm. Do they really miss you or are they just trying to manipulate you?
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Yeah. They still want to see. They could still have control over you.
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That's a curious thing as well as a vindictive thing too. Yeah.
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Now the question for you is, do they miss you or do they just miss how you make them feel?
22:16
See, I think I just miss how you make them feel.
22:19
And so when you give them a little bit of that supply of love. Mm-hmm.
22:25
Do they stay or is it going to go back to the exact same thing where six months
22:31
in, you're back together, you're giving them all the love and they're taking
22:34
all the love and they're giving nothing back?
22:36
That's something you don't want to fight out. No, it's not.
22:40
It's an emotional whiplash. That's kind of what it is. It's like,
22:43
here I am. I'm giving you love. And then all of a sudden you take it away again. And it's crazy.
22:48
So you just need, if you're taking someone back, you need to be careful.
22:52
It will be like roller coaster.
22:53
It is like a roller coaster. It's exciting, though.
22:56
Yeah. But it can also be confusing. Especially with children, don't you think? Yes.
23:01
If there was, again, if there was an affair, you're going to have some resentment,
23:05
right? I think you hope that it'll work out the next time around.
23:08
The resentment can put a damper on it. Right.
23:12
How about the lie they say, just do it for the children?
23:15
That's manipulative. Yeah. Sometimes doing it for the children means staying apart.
23:19
That is also correct. Because I think my children are much happier now than when we were together.
23:27
Really? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. My oldest son actually said,
23:31
Mom, I'm so glad you got divorced.
23:32
He feels that energy. He does. Bad energy.
23:35
And now the limited time that their dad sees them, I think that's enough.
23:39
I love you men that love your children, that want to be good dads.
23:44
But there are some men out there, and there's some women out there,
23:48
that just weren't meant to be parents. That's true.
23:51
They can handle their children in limited quantities of time.
23:54
Mm-hmm. But if they spend too much time with their children. Mm-hmm.
23:59
They're just not good people they turn back into their own
24:01
selves they start yelling at their kids a lot they they take
24:04
them for granted they don't spend quality time with them when i'm
24:07
with my kids i'm always spending quality time with
24:10
my kids i'm always loving on them i'm always giving them well
24:13
we do have arguments here and there don't get me wrong i'm not we're
24:16
not perfect but we have a lot of fun together yeah if
24:19
you go back you're going to have the same situation especially if
24:23
they haven't changed if they haven't gone through therapy and if they haven't
24:26
looked inward they probably don't want to change they probably think like
24:28
this is who i am it may be and that means
24:31
everything is ego yeah and if you if you're
24:34
okay taking the exact same person back then go
24:38
for it if it was that bad they had to break up the first time
24:40
yeah maybe not now i have seen people even after an affair take people back
24:46
yes i knew that too so some people are fluid with the situation and maybe the
24:51
second time they don't cheat it's a possibility or maybe they take them back
24:55
they cheat and then they break up again and then they take them back a third time.
24:58
But then I would challenge the person that keeps taking them back to look inward.
25:03
Because what are you missing in yourself that you don't value yourself enough
25:07
to move on to a person that's going to love you for you and not step out on you? Wow. Yeah.
25:12
Now, this is the exact word that this couple we just met. They say,
25:16
we've been around. There's no one for each of us. There's nothing better.
25:20
So they were probably soulmates. I wonder if they still get the tingle in their
25:23
stomach when they see each other. I don't know, but they've been married,
25:26
divorced, married, divorced, married three times.
25:28
But I don't know, like I said, I don't know them for the first two,
25:31
but last time we met, they've already been married again for the third time.
25:35
Now, are they in a small town?
25:36
Yeah. So I have seen that happens a lot more in small towns or small circles.
25:42
Like if you're in a small suburb or a small town, people will tend to take...
25:47
Person back versus if you're in a city or a larger area, larger metropolitan area.
25:52
So people will tend to get remarried in those smaller towns because they're in the same circle.
25:57
Yeah, that's true. And they're seeing each other at the grocery store.
26:00
There is nowhere to go without seeing each other. That is correct.
26:04
I think that's what it is. And plus they're older.
26:07
They're older. Age, time, and age matter. Matters. Yeah.
26:11
Especially a guy. When the guy hits 70, they're afraid that,
26:15
oh, who's going to take care of me? You see, right?
26:17
I think that's what it is. What you have to do is you have to spot the difference
26:22
between genuine intention, whether it's like an emotional convenience.
26:26
Yeah. And if they are genuinely intent on making a new relationship work.
26:33
Just be on your guard. But, you know, it's possible.
26:35
You should ask the following questions, though. You should say,
26:38
hey, have they truly changed?
26:40
They're not going to tell you. If they say I've changed, that's fine.
26:42
But you need to see through their actions and their words. Yeah.
26:46
Not just their words, but through their actions as well, that they've truly
26:49
changed. Sometimes it works for someone, something might not.
26:53
And then the question is, have you changed? Yeah. Have you truly changed?
26:56
Because if you haven't changed, you're going to get the same thing you got before.
26:59
And that's the truth. That's a true statement.
27:02
Especially, I just think as you grow older, if you're going to change,
27:06
I don't know. If you're going to change, I think you could change when you were younger.
27:10
No, I think anybody can change. You think so? You have to really embrace change.
27:15
I mean, I think I've changed a lot.
27:17
I am closer back to where I was before I got married than I am when I was married.
27:22
So I have completely reinvented myself.
27:25
And every week I change for the better.
27:28
That's awesome. I am not the same person I was before.
27:31
You're not even the same person that you were last week. I'm not.
27:34
I'm not even the same person. I look back on pictures from a year ago and I'm
27:37
like, wow. And I actually look younger.
27:40
Now, yes. Every year I'm looking younger and not older. So it's also de-stressing me too.
27:46
For sure. Yeah, for sure. You not just look different. You look glowing from
27:51
just between weeks to weeks.
27:53
Yeah, I feel better. I feel better internally.
27:56
I'm healing physically, I'm healing mentally, and I'm healing emotionally.
28:00
That takes a lot of work. And everybody's like, oh, you recovered so quickly from your divorce.
28:06
No, I think I took about the same amount of time as other people take. I just did it faster.
28:12
You did it faster. Because I dove headfirst into fixing me and changing me.
28:17
And when you do that and you embrace the change, it seems to the people from
28:21
the outside looking in that you're healing quickly.
28:24
But the reality is you're just really hitting yourself hard.
28:27
And I did a lot of self-reflection. I did a lot of analyzing what I'd done wrong
28:32
in my relationship and what I allowed to stay in my relationship and what I
28:36
put up with. Mm-hmm. And here's the thing.
28:39
If you're in a toxic relationship, men or women, you're there because you allow the bad behavior.
28:47
And I know that stings. If they're treating you like crap and you're staying,
28:52
you're allowing the bad behavior.
28:54
Because when you're in a toxic relationship, you tell the other person typically,
28:58
I don't like the way you're treating me.
29:00
I don't like prove this. I don't like it. And then what will happen with any
29:03
toxic relationship, whether they're a narcissist or not, the other person will
29:07
say, if they're considerate, they'll say, OK, I'll work on that or I'll try to improve.
29:12
And then they do for a little bit and then they go back to their ways and then you put up with it again.
29:17
And you might complain about it again or they might just wear you down and you stop complaining.
29:22
But eventually they're not fixing anything. Yeah. You're accepting them for
29:28
the stuff that used to be a red line you want to cross.
29:32
And now it's a gray line that you're stepping over and back and forth over.
29:35
You're allowing them to treat you like crap.
29:38
And when you allow them, that's on you. That's not on them. Yeah.
29:44
Because you have the ability with free will. Now, sometimes it's an abusive relationship.
29:49
And it's tough to get out of a physically abusive relationship.
29:52
But every toxic relationship, whether it's physical or not, is abusive.
29:56
That's for sure. Because a lot of them are emotionally abusive.
29:58
And some of them start emotionally abusive and then they grow into physical abuse.
30:03
So if you're allowing them to treat you like that, you need to change when you
30:10
get out of that relationship and not allow people to treat you that way again.
30:13
Yeah, actually, there's a movie about it. It's called It Ends With Us.
30:17
It Ends With Us, yes. I would say that has been, with my therapist,
30:22
that has been my biggest amount of work.
30:24
I don't go to therapy to complain about my ex, although I did kind of give the
30:28
synopsis of what had occurred.
30:30
But in therapy, I'm working on me, not on him.
30:33
I don't control him, but I do control what I will allow to happen in my life.
30:39
And I don't allow it. So when you let somebody back in, you have to determine,
30:44
is this a real reconnection or is it a moment of weakness?
30:48
Yeah. Are you just sleeping with them once and it was just like a closure?
30:52
I mean, some people do that too. That happens.
30:55
But you have to realize there's still going to be red flags.
30:57
So is it a red flag with what they're doing to treat you? Or did they really grow as a person?
31:03
Yeah. I'm kind of convinced that
31:04
you need a lot of coaching or therapy to change, which I went through.
31:09
And I'm still going through. Honestly, I don't think my journey is over.
31:12
But I think you need real growth.
31:14
Not that I have a lot of fears, but I will say one of my biggest fears is that
31:18
my next relationship is the exact same as my last.
31:21
See, you can't use that, though. Didn't your therapist tell you?
31:25
That I what? Like, not all men are the same. Maybe the next one can benefit.
31:30
But until you grow and change, you're going to attract the same type of man.
31:33
Oh, I see. I've seen that a couple times, that I attract men that don't treat me the way I treat them.
31:40
When I date someone, I'm not a game player.
31:44
Mm-hmm. So I give people love. Yes. I expect them to give me the same amount
31:48
of love. Mm-hmm. For a while. Mm-hmm.
31:51
I will put up with less. But what I have found is that when I see that the love
31:57
is not reciprocated, I just walk away. Yeah.
32:01
And that's where I'm at now. Whereas before, when the love wasn't reciprocated,
32:05
I'd stay. So I have grown.
32:08
I would like to get to the point where I walk away sooner. Yeah.
32:11
Because if I'm spending time texting a man, they don't text you back.
32:15
And I'm the only one that calls. Yeah. Or I'm the only one, I send him a gift
32:19
and I never get anything in response. or I seem more emotionally invested, I just walk away.
32:25
I'm not chasing any men. And I don't think men should chase women to the point,
32:30
I think they should be the pursuer, but only if the woman's giving you emotion back or love back.
32:36
If you're loving on a woman and she's not loving you back, it's time to walk.
32:42
But if you're loving on a woman and she's starting to open up and
32:45
care for you too because remember we've all had stuff
32:48
yeah and if if i have a man that actually gives me
32:51
love back i hope that they continue because if
32:55
they start giving me love back for three months and then by the six month mark
32:58
they stop uh-huh which is what i've had happen i'm done and i'll put him in
33:03
the friend zone and i'll move on to the next i see because i need someone to
33:07
give me the same amount of love i gave them yeah is that so much to ask i don't
33:11
know no it's not so much No, no.
33:14
I think we all deserve to be treated the same way like you gave it. Yeah.
33:18
It's not too much to ask at all. I think women show men how they want to be
33:24
loved in the very beginning.
33:25
Of course, but the question is, do the men see it?
33:29
They might see it at the beginning, and then later on when they get what they
33:32
want, and they just, you know, find the way, no? I think what women do is they
33:36
show how they want to be loved in the very beginning, And then if they don't
33:39
receive it, they will give the man the same amount of attention that he gives her.
33:44
Yeah and that's the end of the relationship that's the beginning of the end
33:48
the beginning of the end because if you're not giving her what she wanted she's
33:53
starting to pull away yeah so if you see if you're with a woman and six months
33:57
in she starts to pull away it's because she showed you how she wanted to be
34:01
loved she probably showed you her love languages right,
34:04
and then all of the sudden or she starts to pull away it's because you were pulling away Right.
34:09
I see us women as a flower.
34:11
When you plant something, you got to keep the water, the nutrients all the time.
34:16
Otherwise, it won't bloom.
34:17
And if a frost comes, it dies.
34:20
So if you frost your girlfriend or if you frost your boyfriend,
34:23
sometimes the whole, it dies. It dies, you know?
34:27
Going back with an ex is healing.
34:29
Yeah. Maybe you needed closure you didn't get. Maybe you're going to go back
34:33
and you're going to see things that you could have done differently and you're
34:36
going to grow as a person as well.
34:37
So it's possible that going back to them will help you change and help them
34:43
change. People have to be open to it. Both people.
34:45
So maybe if he didn't go back to the ex, maybe if he see your chin and he'll
34:50
go back to work on himself to see the change, maybe you could talk,
34:53
be friends again. Maybe.
34:55
And maybe you could get the closure that you wanted that you never got.
34:57
Right, that you never got. Yes. Or maybe they'll actually apologize even if
35:01
you never heard it before. Right.
35:03
But then you're not fully together. You're not remarrying or anything like that.
35:06
Right. You're just getting closure and you're, you know, you're moving past the past.
35:10
Yeah. You actually could sit down, have lunch together without like.
35:14
Stabbing each other yeah you know but that
35:17
goes like both both sides have to work
35:19
the same way and i do encourage anyone that's getting
35:23
back together with an ex if you
35:26
really want the relationship to work this time start off with therapy yeah oh
35:31
yeah you're gonna get back together with your ex maybe it's time to start off
35:35
with couples counseling right in the beginning and go to a therapist or have
35:40
a friend as like a mediator or get a coach.
35:44
Yeah. You could get a coach that works with the two of you to help your marriage
35:48
because, you know, humans are ugly.
35:50
Yeah. And I'm not saying physically ugly, ugly with our emotions sometimes.
35:55
Some people are overly emotional. Some people are over drama and some people are less.
36:01
We can't truly see inside the other person what they're thinking or feeling,
36:05
even though sometimes people assume making
36:08
an ass out of you and me that they know
36:12
what the other person is thinking and when
36:14
you assume you don't and a
36:18
lot of people have difficulty expressing themselves yeah so
36:21
sometimes if you go back with your ex and you
36:24
get a coach or therapist involved you will
36:27
actually be able to figure out what
36:30
went wrong you'll be able to work through problems as they occur
36:33
and you may want to have a therapist you meet with once
36:36
a month it doesn't have to be weekly i mean if you want it
36:39
to be weekly you could but they have to believe to go
36:42
see therapists you have to be committed to the relationship but quite frankly
36:46
if you're not committed why are you back together with the person in the first
36:50
place yeah because there are people that get back together they end up getting
36:54
married a second time and then they are getting married a divorced a second
36:58
time and then they go away and then they end up getting married a third time.
37:01
I heard somebody say the other day that their parents got divorced and remarried five times.
37:05
And I was like, holy hell. I'm like, there's no one else on the planet you could
37:08
find. There's a lot of people out there, people. Can you imagine being the kid?
37:13
Exactly. And that's a yo-yo. It's a yo-yo for the kids. It's a yo-yo for the
37:18
friends. It's a yo-yo for the family.
37:19
It's emotionally draining for everyone around you.
37:22
Yeah. You don't know how to say hi to them.
37:25
What do you see now this time? You know what I mean? Yes. It's chaos.
37:29
Yeah. There's good moments. There's bad moments. But it's chaos for everyone around.
37:33
Yeah. You just have to make sure that when you're doing this,
37:37
that it's good for everybody involved, that you're really committed to the change.
37:43
Because you can't do the same things you did before. Yeah.
37:46
Yeah, you have to fight different roles, don't you think? I do.
37:50
And you know what I've seen is I've seen that when people go back to their exes,
37:54
it's typically because maybe they got married young and they got divorced a
37:58
couple of years later and something didn't work out.
38:01
And then they go away for five or ten years and they come back and they still
38:04
have feelings for the person.
38:06
Kind of like Sweet Home Alabama, right? Oh, yeah. Just because they come back
38:10
doesn't mean you have to take them back. But if you do, just make sure they belong with you.
38:14
It happens a lot with high school sweetheart, I think.
38:17
You know how they were dating, they married young, they grow apart,
38:20
everybody do their own thing and coming back again. Yeah. Yeah.
38:23
Here's the way to determine if you've changed enough.
38:27
If you've grown enough to the fact that it intimidates the other person, you've changed.
38:32
Okay. And if they can see that, maybe that will inspire change in them.
38:37
Mm-hmm. Like without the lead? How do they know? If they don't see it,
38:40
I mean, there's no answer to that, no?
38:42
Well, you know, if they're around and they're seeing, but it shouldn't scare somebody.
38:46
Because if you changed a lot, you've leveled up.
38:49
You've glowed up. You've leveled up. You've improved your physical appearance.
38:52
You've improved your emotional IQ, if you will, or your emotional intelligence.
38:57
So hopefully, once you change, they can truly see it. Yeah.
39:01
Talk about that. They need like serious therapy to change. And have you seen
39:06
a good movie? And the first movie was amazing.
39:08
Which one? Any movie. Have you gone to a movie theater and you saw a movie and
39:12
it was amazing? No. Like Matrix.
39:14
And then you watched the sequel and it kind of sucks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. John Wick.
39:19
John Wick. You didn't like John Wick 2? I did not like it.
39:23
I don't know why he's so... Like that movie Speed, right? The first one was amazing.
39:29
Yeah. And then they made the second one. I said, what's this?
39:31
Yeah. So sometimes the sequel sucks.
39:34
Yeah. And sometimes the sequel is worse than the first one. So just be prepared for that. Yeah.
39:38
And be prepared to let your heart get hurt again. That's so true, though. It's true.
39:43
Now I know how you compare a good movie to that sequel.
39:47
Yeah. Yeah. So sometimes you just have to be very careful.
39:51
Yeah. Make sure that it's not just a repeat pattern, that the timing is okay
39:55
for you, and that you're in a good place personally. If you're in a good place personally...
39:59
If you take them back, you'll be in much more solid ground. But just make sure
40:04
the same old patterns don't repeat themselves.
40:07
And then what do you do when they say, hey, I want to talk to you or they text you out of the blue?
40:13
Is it the question is, is it a booty call or are they actually wanting to come back? Right.
40:19
And just remember, when you text back, it may open up the door for them.
40:23
I see. And they see it as an opening to come back into your life.
40:27
Yeah, especially when the texts come in like, hey, I'm in town.
40:31
You know what I mean? You want to talk? You want to meet?
40:34
And remember, when they come back, they're going to know you.
40:36
So it's not like a first date.
40:38
When you go out on dates, I think this is why people take people back.
40:42
When you go out on first dates, it's tough. You have to relearn the new person
40:47
and all their little idiosyncrasies.
40:49
Like, so maybe they leave the toothpaste top off, the toothpaste,
40:54
or they leave the toilet seat up.
40:55
Oh, I had one of those. left the toilet seat up. I fell in all the time.
40:59
Anyway, that annoyed me. But he'd been a bachelor his whole life, right?
41:03
So he left the toilet seat up. So they have little idiosyncrasies you have to
41:07
learn with each person. So when an ex comes back, they know you,
41:12
but they also know how to use that.
41:14
They could be acting charming and they haven't changed. They just act it.
41:19
And they know what pushed your buttons the last time. So they go around it or
41:22
they keep pushing your buttons in a way that makes you think they've changed.
41:26
So you got to be careful with that. They know you. And they always come back
41:29
and they say, I've grown and I've changed, but have they really?
41:33
Because there's a difference between growth and guilt. And guilt.
41:37
So especially, again, if they had cheated, it might just be they feel guilty
41:41
and they've never been able to resolve that inside them.
41:44
Mm-hmm. What if they come apologize? If your ex hasn't apologized.
41:49
Hell, if your ex doesn't apologize within the first three to six months,
41:52
there's like a statute of limitations. Yeah, it's done.
41:55
It's kind of like, how long should you wait for an apology? And then you just
41:59
say, I don't even need one anymore. Yeah.
42:01
Because there's a statute of limitations. If you cheat on your spouse or if
42:04
you do something really terrible to your spouse and you don't apologize.
42:08
Mm-hmm. or your ex-spouse, I should say, your ex-spouse, and you never apologize.
42:12
It speaks volumes about your integrity.
42:15
It speaks volumes about your character and your moral ethics.
42:19
At that point, if they never apologize, they're not going to.
42:23
They're not the type of person you want to be with because they don't actually
42:28
realize what they did was wrong. That's what I was going to say.
42:31
Or if they do realize that their ego is too big to allow them to apologize,
42:36
which is also not the right type of person you
42:39
want to be with no now if
42:42
like three months or six months after they cheated they apologize and
42:45
they truly show remorse i mean it's up to you whether you forgive them and
42:48
you just want to be friends or if you want to take them back it's always
42:51
up to you it's always they always come
42:54
back how charming they are too don't you think it's a
42:57
very charming thing when they come back they come back they
43:00
want to do stuff for you they want to help you out they're always
43:03
acting like they're there to help whereas before
43:07
you know they were there and they hurt you just need
43:09
to make sure that you want them truly back
43:13
the way they were unless you can see definite growth
43:16
and definite change yeah yeah now here's the other
43:18
thing you may still be in love with them oh that's a heartbreaking part and
43:22
your heart may say yes i want them back yeah but your mind says no yeah and
43:28
one of the things i realized is my mind since I got divorced is in control.
43:34
When I was married, my heart was.
43:36
Now I analyze things a lot more. Mm-hmm.
43:39
And I don't leave with my heart anymore. You need to take control.
43:43
I think if you let the mind win.
43:46
Now, be careful because you may also be avoidant now.
43:49
And like me, I'm kind of avoidant of situations. And you need to make sure that
43:54
you're not sabotaging your future with them or a future with someone else.
43:58
I think you do need to analyze. My heart wants to go back because my heart yearns for them.
44:03
Or does your mind want to go back because your mind yearns for them?
44:07
And if they both are in alignment, I think then you could potentially go back.
44:11
So if you mentally say, yes, this is a good fit. I've done the work.
44:15
I've done the analyzation.
44:17
They have changed. I've changed. It would be a new type of relationship.
44:20
And your heart feels it too.
44:22
Then, yeah, that's a good possibility. But definitely honor your feelings.
44:25
And don't let them, you know, disturb your peace.
44:29
Because once you do, it's not good. That's going to be tough to open for the
44:34
next relationship also.
44:36
It is. And the longer you are in your first relationship, I think the harder
44:40
it is to get into the next one.
44:41
Well, they said if you stay by yourself longer, you start taking care of yourself.
44:46
Chances are you don't want anybody.
44:47
I want a man for certain things. That's the only thing, but there's toys coming.
44:51
Well, yes, we had a whole discussion about toys. There are things that I want a man for. That's true.
44:56
I don't want a man that's going to disturb my peace or my family's peace.
45:01
And when I say I want a provider, I mean,
45:05
I want someone that will take care of me when I'm sick, that will snuggle with
45:10
me, that will make me feel safe, that will help make decisions for the family
45:14
and be successful and not lead us astray.
45:18
And I do want a leader in my household.
45:21
Even though I'm a strong, independent woman, I do recognize when you have a
45:26
strong man, the benefits in a household. I just haven't had a strong man.
45:33
And I've seen that with other people's relationships. We need to get away from
45:37
demasculating men because men need to be very masculine.
45:42
And we need strong men, not abusive men, ladies, not sexually abusive or physically
45:47
or verbally abusive men.
45:48
But we need strong men that want to take care of their women.
45:52
Because when you get a man like that, you both grow together. Yeah.
45:57
Because he grows off of you, your strengths, and you grow off of his strengths.
46:02
Your energy feed up each other. You do. And so if your ex has become more masculine
46:08
and is in a masculine way that is strong, it might be that you want to take them back. Yeah.
46:15
Maybe you need to give them a chance. You may want to. Yeah.
46:19
And they may not be the same person because people do grow.
46:22
Yeah. And I don't like the saying that people never change because they do.
46:26
But realize that you may have grown and outgrown them. Yeah.
46:30
Yourself yourself and if you glowed up
46:33
and if you leveled up and if you grew in a way that
46:36
you now protect yourself and you're looking
46:39
like i'm looking for a strong man and they're not it
46:42
why would you go back to a man that's a weakling that
46:45
is not what you want next thing you know he'll drag
46:48
you down he'll drag you down he'll pull you down and suck you into his abyss
46:52
yeah and you have to redo the whole thing back again yes no you don't want that
46:57
for masculine men there are are some women out there that are toxic that are
47:03
hyper-independent to the point that they don't want a man doing anything for them. Yeah.
47:08
And they squash every man around them.
47:11
Sometimes it's because the man is just a weak man, but sometimes the man can
47:15
be masculine and nothing he does is good enough.
47:18
When that happens too, maybe it's not a good fit for the man.
47:22
Yeah. You have to think both ways, I think. This is tough.
47:26
Well, it's because you create new standards as you grow, right right when
47:30
you level up you create new standards you become a new person your
47:33
life changes that's the thing yeah your standards getting
47:36
higher and higher might be impossible to reach for
47:39
some i don't think anything's impossible it's just your
47:42
dating pool decreases yeah my big challenge is my dating pool is very small
47:47
i run into people and there's some good looking men out there ladies let me
47:51
tell you really good looking men i see them and i'm like I talk to them and
47:56
they may be gorgeous, but it's just not a fit.
48:00
And I don't want to really pull anyone into my life right now. That's not a good fit.
48:04
Yeah. I think one of the problems that, you know, people that have survived
48:08
hard childhoods and survived rough relationships, we get to a point where we
48:12
can survive on very little breadcrumbs from our partner.
48:17
Yeah. And very little attention and very little love. And you can,
48:20
you will put up with so much.
48:23
The question is should you and my answer now is no
48:25
and if you can get to the point where you realize your worth and that you're
48:30
just not going to put up with a bs anymore that's true then you grow yeah but
48:35
then your selection yeah small but there is some women out there like strong
48:39
powerful successful women they don't want a partner they just want someone to
48:43
they want a play toy right.
48:46
I can totally understand that. Yeah.
48:49
A human play toy. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about, too.
48:53
I would love to have a human play toy that... You better be gorgeous.
48:56
Better be gorgeous. But that's a temporary relationship. That's not somebody
49:00
you want to spend the rest of your life with. No, that's true.
49:02
I mean, anybody I'm with better be good and bad.
49:05
That's like a given now. It better be damn good. But they might be fun for a while.
49:09
But eventually, I think you realize that those play toys, even though they make
49:13
you feel good about yourself for having them on your arm, they're not somebody
49:17
you want to spend the rest of your life with because you need depth.
49:20
Yeah. People need depth in their character.
49:22
If you're with a man, if you're with your ex because you want closure, it's kind of a scam.
49:27
I think we search for closure in the other person. The lack of apologies closure.
49:32
The lack of respect was closure. the
49:36
moving on is closure you're never
49:39
really gonna get closure from the
49:42
other person it's kind of hard to you need
49:46
to own your own closure because then you own who you are if
49:49
you need their validation for your closure that they're validating that yes
49:53
i'm sorry or you know i think at a certain point you have to look inside and
49:56
say why do i need their validation that they're sorry yeah i don't anymore when
50:01
you get to that point you have your closure yeah you already had your closure
50:04
You need no one to validate you the way I see it. I don't think, no.
50:08
Because if you're back with your ex because you want to get that closure and
50:12
you're having discussions about it, it's going to spiral into a fight.
50:15
You need to either move on or let the past be the past and then come back into
50:20
the present and the future.
50:21
Yeah. What if your ex really, really worked on it? Then what would you do? Then it's your choice.
50:26
But have you worked on you? Yeah. And then there's times where your ex comes
50:29
back as a situationship. Remember the situationship?
50:33
Yeah. Then what do you do? And they may be back just to have sex.
50:36
And that happens a lot. Were you allowed to have sex?
50:39
You're allowed to do anything you want. You're an adult. Well,
50:42
anything that's not a legal crime. Right. But if you want to have sex with them, you can.
50:46
Just emotionally detach and make sure that it's clear that this is just sex.
50:51
That's another thing. What if it lead to something else? Because you...
50:55
You know, greatly when you two together for so long, what if it leads emotionally?
51:00
It's a slippery slope, right? Yes.
51:03
I mean, you take them back, you have sex, and all of a sudden it's growing again.
51:06
Yeah, what do you do then? In more ways than one.
51:10
You know, then what do you do? And you're not sure whether it's love again or if it was over. Yeah.
51:17
Well, just don't fall back into the same routine. Yeah.
51:20
And the same dynamic you had before because that dynamic was toxic.
51:24
Or it wasn't good, obviously, because you got divorced or broke up in the first place.
51:28
Oh, you just let it slide and let it have fun. You can just have fun. Yeah.
51:32
Life is short. Yeah. So if you want to just enjoy each other's company, that's up to you.
51:37
Yeah. Would you? No. You're like, no. No. To me, betrayal at that level is goodbye.
51:44
Yeah, I see. But if you do get back together with your ex, spouse,
51:48
or boyfriend or girlfriend, you just have to make sure that,
51:50
you know, you're given another shot, that you're doing it at the right time
51:53
and the right space for you.
51:56
You've got to make sure you have boundaries together, that you have your own boundaries.
52:00
Try therapy. You're going to have to take accountability for your actions this time.
52:05
And then you rebuild with intention. Well, I think you should,
52:08
and you should keep your financially separate. I agree.
52:11
You know? Don't combine your finances. No, but it's not. If you were married
52:15
for a long time, a lot of people combine their finances.
52:18
Uh-huh. I would also highly recommend a prenup. Yes. So if you're getting back
52:22
together, make sure you get that prenup in place before.
52:26
Honestly, they should understand that because you've been there and you've done that already.
52:31
So get that prenup in place. Yeah. Because when you forgive them,
52:34
it doesn't mean that they get, you know, access to you.
52:38
It also doesn't mean they get access to you fully anyway. Yeah.
52:41
So let's say they come back, you have a situationship and you forgive them.
52:45
Right. Forgiveness is more about you releasing the pain than it is about forgiving
52:51
the other person. Does that make sense?
52:53
Yes. You can forgive someone and still not let them have access to you.
52:57
Like I've forgiven my ex. Truly have.
52:59
Yeah. I let it go. I'm not disgusted by him anymore. He is who he is.
53:03
And I just let it be. Yeah. But you're not going to let him touch me financially.
53:07
But I'm not going to let him touch me financially, physically,
53:09
emotionally, or sexually ever again.
53:11
And just because you forgive doesn't mean they get back in. Right.
53:14
You are in a situationship and you forgive. That doesn't mean you have to take
53:17
them back in a relationship. You just need to be clear and honest. Yes.
53:21
And have the communication you may not have had before and talk to each other
53:24
and say, look, I don't want to take you back fully.
53:26
I'm fine having sex with you. Yeah, every once in a while, yeah.
53:30
Because we get lonely and bored and need a human connection,
53:33
but you don't have to take him back.
53:35
And you can let them go with grace. I honestly, I wish them the best. The best.
53:40
I wish him the best. I hope in every happiness I truly do. But it's not for me to say.
53:46
Right. It's not for me to judge. Right. That's for him to work on himself and fighting for himself.
53:51
But when they come back, it's for you to decide whether you want to be part
53:56
of their future. or leave it in the past.
53:58
You see, you don't want that project anymore, do you? I don't want any projects. Yes.
54:02
I'm at a point in my life, if you're 50 years old and you're still a project,
54:08
yeah, no, you really need to look in the mirror because 50 years should have taught you something.
54:12
And if there's stuff you need to work on when you're looking in the mirror,
54:15
go fix it before you get into another relationship. But they don't see it though.
54:18
I know people sometimes are ugly inside.
54:22
It's rough. You have to realize that when you're doing that and they don't see
54:26
that they haven't changed and they need improvement, you're going to get the
54:30
same old thing. For sure.
54:31
Forgiveness sometimes is enough to just let it go and walk away.
54:34
And sometimes it's enough to take them back.
54:36
If you're getting back together, it's going to be awkward for your kids.
54:40
It's going to be awkward for your friends and for your family. That's what I'm saying.
54:44
And for a while, you might be a joke. Right. If you get back,
54:48
they're going to expect you to have happily ever after because if you get back together
54:51
and you get divorced again that's gonna be so hard on
54:53
a kid yeah it is and there's an idea that it's the same love if you just have
54:58
new rules new standards and new boundaries yeah thanks for tuning in like subscribe
55:05
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