Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / His Anger Isn't About The Kids | Stop Correcting Him | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep465

Transcript

His Anger Isn't About The Kids | Stop Correcting Him | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep465 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Defensiveness, getting angry, and disrespect.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Getting your partner on board.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Erectile dysfunction.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sexless marriage versus a lack of intimacy.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Manipulation, boundaries, and covert contract.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why closure is a myth in modern relationships?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Defensiveness, getting angry, and disrespect.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: This comes from a very long-winded.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna sort of give them that look right now on the camera.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Long-winded message.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, please, if you send a question, can you send a question?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Reading something that is four hours long to read, which it wasn't, but you know what I'm saying, it's really inconsiderate.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's invaluable.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's unvaluable, it's not a valuable use of our time.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we say this a lot, and every opportunity to get a chance, I like to remind you guys, because there's always new ones, new people.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: By ones, I mean you, new people.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, I want to help you, but I'm just skimming your message.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: No one's got time for everything.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't even pay us a dollar.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Time costs money.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just like when you buy a car, it costs money.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to drive it, spend some time in it, you pay for it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're never getting a ride with us, that's for sure.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so was that car or a ride?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know what I'm saying.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's going for a ride with this.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, just me.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, guys gotta go.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, hold on.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, however, you did give some good information.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, we've got an issue with disconnected this couple.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're they're they've been married for a while.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: They've got a five-year-old son, and there is a lot of anger that you you know how I used to be, um, and you would be worried about what I'd be like with the kids, like if it was a short fuse.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're actually working with one of our kids specifically, but all of our kids a little bit in a way.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Vale's getting super frustrated, like Oh my gosh.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to do something you've been there before, you're right, you're trying to do something right there, and you think screaming is gonna make it easier, right?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Or kicking it or something.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So we have a bit of an issue with one of our daughters.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's the impression I got when I read this person's email or question through the that comes through my email.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it was essentially dad loses it very, very quickly.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you've listened to this show at all, you've heard us talk about dads with short shorter fuses.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: By the time um a mom loses it, it's been going and going and going and going.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't recall, we probably have discussed how moms like to protect their children from dads with these short fuses.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about it, yeah, because it triangulates, we've talked about like lots of different aspects of that.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we've got to.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so we've got basically a lot of tension.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh mom's mom's terrified when she sees the boy does anything wrong because she's afraid of what's going to happen to dad.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what happens is she's learned, I don't know, through our podcast or whatever, through talking to him.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't like correct him in front of the kid, she doesn't correct him in front of other people.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So that's good.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Good, but now he's dismissing because he's so angry and he thinks it's all bullshit, essentially.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's my way of putting it, not hers.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's all disrespect, which is what she said.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're just disrespecting me.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he says, you're just disrespecting me.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because so essentially you've got two different views on parenting here, okay?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And what I want you to see is this.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Which is common in 99% of the cases, by the way, guys.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of what I read in that message, too, by the way, reminded me of what you did with me.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like Catherine would remind me, guys, if you don't know this trick, it's super, super subtle if you do it right.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine would just smile and look at me and say, you know that they're four, right?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking about the girls being young, for example, right?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know that their brains don't think that fast.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they reminded me of things like that.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: They they can say big words, that doesn't mean they understand the use of the word, for example.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm not sure what your children like, but ours we can we could have extensive conversations with from a very young age.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a lot of reminders because I look at that like they understand everything, and Catherine will remind me, but subtly, not disrespectfully.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like we have had a perfect history of Catherine correct not correcting me in front of the children.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm way worse at it than you.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But on a whole, it doesn't really happen.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I think is this what you need to understand when you have different parenting and you've got somebody who just gets angry, you need to first assess is that anger happening at the child or is it a lot of other things?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm betting you're using the child right now because it's the thing you're focused on because you're protecting your child.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I bet the anger is directed at you for many other things, many other ways.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not having sex, for example, um, needing a break when you want help for say said child or for whatever, but because he works hard, he's tired, he's stressed, whatever.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm betting the anger is the frustration in the frustration, is a lot like my daughter screaming and fucking frustrating and getting kicked right, uh kicking things right now when things just don't go the way she wants to put something together, for example.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: This thing doesn't fit in this thing over here.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm betting, and I need you to get a real honest take on that because if that's what's going on, and it's much more than your child, which I again I believe that's what it is, it's not gonna matter with the child right now.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You need to get on the same page with how to lift him and help him through whatever is emotionally draining you, sucking life from because he's acting in anger.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when it comes to your um your children, your child, okay, um, and you're trying to talk about that, look again at other areas because you said he's getting defensive all the time.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, somebody angry is not going to hear you at all.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, someone's defensive even.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what do I say?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: You guys probably know your mouth opens and your ears close.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's what defensiveness is.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you're no longer hearing anybody else.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you're doing it sounds like such a great job of not doing anything in the moment.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to wait and chill, so he's getting defensive at that time.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's because he's not over all of the other things.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a five-year problem with your five-year-old, or a one-year problem with your five-year-old.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I guarantee you.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that you said so many things were getting better in your marriage right now, you know, because you are both trying and growing, and that's great.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: That means that you're doing a lot of things right.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably missing other areas.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or a big one, because we start to really worry about when we start to think about disrespect, when you're starting to really connect, you're probably moving things forward.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are, and so it feels like everything else is terrible and the weight of the world is coming down on you.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I need you to assess all of those things before you can really go much deeper.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, with what you're doing, you need to parent properly if you're scared for your child because of the way that they're being even just yelled at you guys.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's not cool.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: We talked to our kids just this weekend, again, it's not the first time, talking to them, reminding them how we speak to each other, how we speak to them, reminding them that it takes a while to get angry, and then getting angry doesn't change anything.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: We use real examples with their life, right?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: With what's going on.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: The example I did with Vail was did that so whatever you're doing didn't work, right?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Putting the thing in the thing.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then she said, No, I said, when you screamed, did it work?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Did it make the thing go in the thing?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, No.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I said, so did the screaming help?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: She said, No.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I went on a little bit longer.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: But my point is this you can't really do that with your partner because you don't need to correct your partner.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be there for them.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: So in the meantime, while you're trying to assess all these other things I asked you to assess, I need you to look at where else are you disconnected so that when you are doing great, if we're doing great, I don't feel any criticism when she's like, by the way, you I don't know, sucked at the chicken coop thing.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that didn't happen.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: But like, what I'm saying is, like, I don't feel the criticism the same way because we're super connected.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So in other words, pick your timing.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: It like you said that you're waiting, but I bet you're kind of just and also just try not to.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard, I get it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: You know a better way.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: There are things, babe, and I'm sure you know this.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there are lots of times that he could correct.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: He d barely ever corrects me.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: He has a better way.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: He'll see me do it wrong.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't come to me and tell me that I did it wrong.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I already know I did it wrong.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And the same, I'm not as good at it as he is.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: But there are lots of times when I want to go tell him that he was wrong and like ask him about it and talk about it.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, you could choose a better time, like in the hypothetical sucking at the chicken coop.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You are amazing at the chicken coop, so I don't even know why you'd say that.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: But I just remember doing it yesterday, so I was like, if we're if we're connected, the criticism isn't gonna hurt.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: If we're not connected, he's gonna see it as you're not grateful, you don't care about anything.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: But why say anything at all?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because in the same example that you just said, baby, about you know, does screaming change it?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Does it make it better?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Does going and correcting your husband when he did something wrong, does it make it better?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Does it make it more fun?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Does it make it more right?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Does it change him?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it doesn't.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: It makes him more angry and he just reflects on how much he doesn't like you.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't reflect on his behavior at all.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, when I say I'm getting upset with the kids, right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: That short refuse that we talked about, Catherine almost always will say, I know, they're really difficult.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of how she says anything.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's enough for me to go, oh fuck.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, they're really difficult.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's understanding what I'm going through, and it's enough pause for me to realize, you fuck the fuck, fuck, what are they doing?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: What are they saying?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: What are they not doing?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: What are they not saying?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: What are they not listening to?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't really like getting super angry or getting super upset.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, on a whole, what's that?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was just gonna bring up something that you did a couple days ago, but finished your sentence.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: On a whole, like I'm actually the one that doesn't lose my mind on them, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine is the one who deals with them the most, takes what takes the most from them, gives the most to them.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually loses my shit.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then eventually loses their shit.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And usually mine's more simple, and it's just like, I don't like an upset wife.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's something I said today.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine was preparing this.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Don't disrespect my wife.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't like an upset wife.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like some of these things, guys, are how you connect, and it's not gonna happen overnight, but over time, you build the connection where you you can start to have those correcting, helping conversations.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: What was your what were you?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say, so we've had a hard three weeks because I've reached my limit on disrespect with the kids, and so I've been, I have not been my warm.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I still love them, I still cuddle them, I still tell them I love them, all the things.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: But I've definitely been harsher, stricter, because I I I'm at a loss.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're just disrespectful.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I came out on the deck and I was like, I just lost it on the kids in Cascos.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Can I punch them in the throat?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Is it time?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Is it time?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just go real quick, they won't even see it.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: So he obviously he's not gonna punch our kids in the throat or hit them at all.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: But it was enough to make me smile, make me laugh.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: He wasn't gonna be like, well, you shouldn't be losing it on the kids.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're you're better, you're more capable.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: You should you should have the control not to lose it on the kids.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's what he could say to me, because that's the truth.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I that's how I feel when I lose it on the kids.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, fuck, I shouldn't have yelled.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I've even dropped F-bombs in the last three weeks.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'm like, pick up your shit.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's not an F-bomb, but I'm I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure I said F-bombs.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't swear at our kids.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, but in the last three weeks, it's stuff has slipped out of my mouth.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I am not proud of it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: He if he hears it, he could come in and reprimand me.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: He he takes my side and he's like, Do you want me to punch him in the throat?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody's punching anyone in the throat.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Don't don't hit, don't put your hands on your kids, don't do any of that.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: And he would never, otherwise, I wouldn't laugh at it.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I know some people spank and some people do this sort of thing.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're not gonna endorse that publicly ever for obvious reasons.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I'm gonna tell you something right now.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: As somebody who was spanked an awful lot, like it's really not required to get connected with your fucking kids.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we don't have to hit our kids.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, just get connected with your kids.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't have to correct your your spouse.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Get connected with your fucking spouse.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so we'll see you.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or punch them in the throat.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or yeah, don't punch your spouse in the throat.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do it.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: What what?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm kidding, you guys.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Gosh, relax.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: See you guys.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.