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14 - Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift · Adventure Books Collection

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Chapter six, several contrivances of the author to please the King and Queen.
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He shows his skill in music. The King inquires into the state of England,
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which the author relates to him the King's observations thereon. I used to
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attend the King's levee once or twice a week, and had often seen him
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under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to behold,
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for the razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary Scythe his majesty,
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according to the custom of the country, was only shaved twice a week.
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I once prevailed on the barber to give me some of the SuDS or lather,
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of which I picked fifty or forty of the strongest stumps of hair.
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I then took a piece of fine wood and cut it like the back of
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a comb, making several holes in it at equal distances. With as small
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a needle as I could get from Glumdale. I fixed in the stumps so
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artificially, scraping and slopping them with my knife towards the points, that I
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made a very tolerable comb, which was a seasonal supply, my own being
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so much broken in the teeth that it was almost useless. Neither did I
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know any artist in that country so nice and exact as would undertake to make
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me another. And this puts me in mind of an amusement where I spent
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many of my leisure hours. I desired the Queen's woman to save for me
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the combings of Her Majesty's hair, whereof in good time I got a good
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quantity, and consulting with my friend, the cabinet maker, who had received
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general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two
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chair frames no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore
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little holes with a fine aul round those parts, where I designed the backs
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and seats. Through these holes I wore of the strongest hairs I could pick
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out, just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they were
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finished, I made a present of them to Her Majesty, who kept them
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in her cabinet and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were
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the wonder of everyone that beheld them. The Queen would have me sit upon
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one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I
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would rather die than place a dishonorable part of my body on those precious hairs
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that once adorned Her Majesty's head. Of these hairs, as I had always
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a mechanical genius, I likewise made a neat little purse about five feet long,
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with Her Majesty's name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdale
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Clitch by the Queen's consent. To say the truth, it was more for
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show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger
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coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls
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are fond of. The King, who delighted in music, had frequent concert
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at court, at which I was sometimes carried and set in my box on
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a table to hear them. But the noise was so great that I could
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hardly distinguish the tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets of
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a royal army, beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not
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equal it. My practice was to have my box removed from the place where
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the performers sat as far as I could, then to shut the doors and
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windows of it and draw the window curtains, after which I found their music
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not disagreeable. I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the
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spinnet. Plumdukletch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended to twice
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a week to teach her. I called it a spinnet because it somewhat resembled
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that instrument and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy came into
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my head that I would entertain the King and Queen with an English tune upon
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this instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult, for the spinnet was near sixty
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feet long, each key being almost a foot wide, so that with my
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arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and to press them
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down required a good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great
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a labor and to no purpose. The method I contrived was this. I
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prepared two round sticks about the bigness of common cudgels. They were thicker at
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one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends with pieces of
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a mouse's skin, that by wrapping on them I might neither damage the tops
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of the keys nor interrupt the sound. Before the spinnet, a bench was
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placed about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench.
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I ran sidelong upon it that way. In this as fast as I
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could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift
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to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of both their majesties. But
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it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent, and yet I could not
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strike above sixteen keys, nor consequently played the bass and travel together as other
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artists do, which was a great disadvantage to my performance. The King,
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who as I before observed, was a prince of excellent understanding, would frequently
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order that I should be brought in my box and set upon the table in
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his closet. He would then command me to bring one of my chairs out
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of the box and sit down within three yards distance upon the top of the
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cabinet, which brought me almost to a level with his face. In this
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manner I had several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to
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tell his Majesty that the contempt he discovered towards Europe and the rest of the
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world did not seem answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master
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of that reason, did not extend itself with the bulk of the body.
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On the contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were
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usually the least provided with it, that among other animals, bees and ants
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has the reputation of more industry, art and sagacity the many of the larger
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kinds, And that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I
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hoped I might live to do his Majesty some signal service. The King heard
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me with attention and begu and to conceive a much better opinion of me than
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he ever had before. He desired I would give him as exact an account
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of the government of England as I possibly could, Because as fond as princes
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commonly are of their own customs, for so he conjectured of other monarchs by
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my former discourses, he should be glad to hear of anything that might deserve
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imitation. Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for
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the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the
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praise of my own dear native country in a style equal to its merits and
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felicity. I began my discourse by informing his Majesty that our dominions consisted of
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two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms under one sovereign. Besides our plantations
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in America, I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil and the temper
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of our climate. I then spoke at large upon the constitution of an English
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Parliament, partly made up of an illustrious body called the House of Peers,
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persons of the noblest blood and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I
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described that extraordinary care always taken of their education in arts and arms, to
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qualify them for being counselors both to the king and kingdom, to have a
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share in the legislature, to be member of the highest court of judicata,
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whence there can be no appeal, and to be champions, always ready for
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the defense of their prince and country by their valor, conduct and fidelity.
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That these were the ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their
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most renowned ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of their virtue, from
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which their posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these were joined several
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holy paers as part of that assembly, under the title of bishops, whose
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peculiar business is to take care of religion, and of those who instruct the
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people therein. These were searched and sought out through the whole nation by the
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Prince and his wisest counselors, among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly
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distinguished by the sanctity of their lives and the depth of their erudition, who
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were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the people. That the other
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part of the Parliament consisted of an assembly called the House of Commons, who
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were all principal gentlemen, freely picked and called out by the people themselves for
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their great abilities in love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the
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whole nation. And that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in
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Europe, to whom, in conjecture with the Prince, the whole legislature is
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committed. I then descended to the courts of justice, over which the judges,
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those venerable sages and interpreters of the law presided for determine the disputed rights
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and properties of men, as well as for the punishment of vice and protection
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of innocence. I mentioned the prudent management of our treasury, the valor and
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achievements of our forces by sea and land. I computed the number of our
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people by reckoning how many millions they might be of each religious sect or political
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party among us. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or
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any other particular which I thought might redoubt to the honor of my country.
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And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in England
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for about a hundred years past. This conversation was not ended. Under five
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audiences, each of several hours, and the King heard of the whole with
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great attention, frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums
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of what questions he intended to ask me when I had put an end to
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these long discourses. His Majesty, in a Sith audience, consulting his notes,
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proposed many doubts, queries, and objections upon every article. He asked
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what methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of a young nobility,
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and in what kind of business they commonly spent the first and teachable parts of
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their lives. What course was taken to supply that assembly when any noble family
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became extinct, What qualifications were necessary in those who are to be created new
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lords, Whether the humor of the prince, a sum of money to a
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court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to the public interest,
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ever happened to be the motive in those advancements. What share of knowledge
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these lords had in the laws of their country, and how they came by
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it so as to enable them to decide the properties of their fellow subjects in
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the last resort, Whether they were always so free from avaris, partialities,
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or want that a bribe or some other sinister view could have no place among
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them. Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank
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upon account of their knowledge of religious matters and the sanctity of their lives,
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had never been compliers with the times, while they were common priests or Slavish
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prostitute chaplains. To some noblemen, whose opinions then continued servilely to follow after
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they admitted into the assembly, He then desired to know what arts were practiced
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in electing those whom I called commoners, Whether a stranger with a strong purse
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might not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord or the
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most considerable gentlemen in the neighborhood. How it came to pass that people were
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so violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to be a
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great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families, without any
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salary or pension. Because this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue and public
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spirit, that his Majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere.
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And he desired to know whether such a zealous gentlemen could have any views
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of refunding themselves for the charge and trouble they were at by sacrificing the public
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good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince in conjunction with a corrupted
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ministry. He multiplied his questions and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this
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head, proposing numberless inquiries and objections, which I think it is not prudent
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or convenient to repeat upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice.
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His Majesty desire to be satisfied in several points, and this I was
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better able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in
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chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked what time was
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usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what degree of expense.
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Whether advocators and orators had liberty to plead in cases manifestly known to be unjust,
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vexatious, or oppressive, whether party in religion or politics were observed to
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be any weight in the scale of justice, Whether those pleading orators were persons
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educated in the general knowledge of equity or only in provincial, national, and
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other local customs. Whether they or their judges had any part in penning those
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laws which they assumed the liberty of interpreting and glossing upon it their pleasure.
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Whether they had ever, at different times pleaded for and against the same cause
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and cited precedents to prove contrary opinions, whether they were rich or a poor
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corporation, whether they received any pycuniary reward for pleading or delivering their opinions,
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and particularly whether they were ever admitted as members in the Lower Senate. He
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fell next upon the management of our treasury, and said he thought my memory
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had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or six million
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a year, and when I came to mention the issues he found. They
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sometimes amounted to more than double for the notes he had taken. Were very
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particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that
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the knowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could not
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be deceived in his calculations. But if what I told him were true,
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he was still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate
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like a private person. He asked me who were our creditors, and where
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we found money to pay them. He wandered to hear me talk of such
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chargeable and expensive wars, that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, all
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of among very bad neighbors, and that our generals must needs be richer than
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our kings. He asked what business we had out of our own islands,
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unless upon the score of trade or treaty, or to defend the coasts with
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our fleet. Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a
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mercenary standing army in the midst of peace and among a free people. He
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said, if we were governed by our own consent, in the persons of
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our representatives, he could not imagine of whom we were or against whom we
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were to fight, and would hear my opinion whether a private man's house might
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not be better defended by himself, his children, and his family than by
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half a dozen rascals picked up at a venture in the streets for small wages,
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who might get a hundred times more by cutting their throats. He laughed
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at my odd kind of arithmetic, as he was pleased to call it.
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In reckoning the numbers of our people by a computation drawn from the several sects
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among us in religion and politics, he said he knew no reason why those
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who entertain opinions pudicial to the public should be obliged to change, or should
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not be obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any government
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to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second.
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For a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not
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to vend them about for cordials. He observed that among the divisions of our
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nobility and gentry I had mentioned gaming. He desired to know at what aige
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this entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid down, how
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much of their time it employed, whether it ever went so high as to
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affect their fortune, where the mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in
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that art, might not arrive at greater riches, and sometimes keep our very
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nobles in dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take
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them from the improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses
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they received, to learn and practice that infamous dexterity upon others. He was
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perfectly astonished with the historical account given him of our affairs during the last century,
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protesting it was only a heap of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres,
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revolutions, banishments, the very worst effects of avarice, fiction, hypocrisy,
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perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy, lust,
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malice, and ambition could produce his majesty In another audience, was at pains
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to recapitulate the sum of all I had spoken compared to the questions he had
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made with the answers I had given. Then, taking me into his hands
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and stroke me, gently delivered himself in these words which I shall never forget,
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nor the manner he spoke them in. My little friend guildric. You've
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made a most admirable panegeric upon your country. You've clearly proved that ignorance,
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idleness, and vice are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator. That laws
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are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose interest and abilities lie
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in perverting, confounding, and eluding them them. I observe among you some
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lines of an institution which in its original might have been tolerable. But these
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half are raised, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It
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does not appear from all you have said, how any one perfection is required
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towards the procurement of any one station among you. Much less that men are
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ennobled on account of their virtue, that priests are advanced for their piety or
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learning, soldiers for their conduct or valor judges for their integrity, senators for
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the love of their country, or counselors for their wisdom. As for yourself,
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continued the King, who have spent the greatest part of your life in
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traveling, I am well disposed to hope you may hither have escaped many vices
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of your country. But by what I have gathered from your own relation and
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the answers I have, with much pains wrung and exhorted from you, not
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but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little,
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odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
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End of Part two, Chapter six,