Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 33, Season 2: Tapping Into Your Secure Energy in 2026

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Episode 33, Season 2: Tapping Into Your Secure Energy in 2026 · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast, where we talk about life,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: love and relationships and the psychology behind them. I am
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: your co host, Reina Butcher here with our host, doctor
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Sarah Hensley, the owner, founder, and CEO of the Love
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Doc relationship coaching services. You can find her at the
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: lovedoc dot com or on any social media handle at
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: doctor Sarah Hensley. Hey. Hey, we are so excited. It
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: is twenty twenty six. We are officially into twenty twenty
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: six and today's topic, we are going to talk about
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  Speaker 1: your secure energy in twenty twenty six. That's right.
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  Speaker 2: We are not going back to twenty twenty five and
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  Speaker 2: repeating mistakes that we made. We are going to walk
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  Speaker 2: into twenty twenty six like the badasses that we are.
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  Speaker 1: Confidence, confidence, authentically prepared with good boundaries.
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  Speaker 3: So let's break it down.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think boundaries is a good place to start. So,
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  Speaker 1: you know, obviously these are things that you teach with
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  Speaker 1: in your program because of course, the baseline of your
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: program is teaching people how to reach secure attachment. That's right,
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  Speaker 1: But this is a little bit different. We're talking about
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  Speaker 1: secure energy.
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  Speaker 2: Secure energy. Yeah, so it's not just about boundaries in
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  Speaker 2: your romantic relationship. It's about boundaries in your life. And
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  Speaker 2: if you are a people pleaser, which I used to be,
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  Speaker 2: not anymore.
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  Speaker 1: I'm recovering, I'm still working on it.
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  Speaker 2: It is essential that you have good boundaries in your
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  Speaker 2: life to protect your nervous system. You cannot restore a
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  Speaker 2: healthy nervous system without boundaries, and a lot of people
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  Speaker 2: don't even realize the places that they lack boundaries. So
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  Speaker 2: we're going to talk about what boundaries are, what they do,
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  Speaker 2: why they're important, what they're not, and how you can
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  Speaker 2: show up with them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, in your life. I also think that integrity is
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  Speaker 1: a big piece of that.
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  Speaker 2: It is more because here's what happens when you people please,
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  Speaker 2: you get resentful, and really that is not a piece
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  Speaker 2: of integrity because it's like, Okay, I did this for you,
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  Speaker 2: but now I don't like you because of it, And
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  Speaker 2: so you have this sort of deceptive piece to you
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  Speaker 2: where outwardly you are giving overgiving, probably, but inward you're
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  Speaker 2: building up resentment, you're being drained, you are not being
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  Speaker 2: authentic to yourself, you're abandoning yourself, and those things don't
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  Speaker 2: feel good to your nervous system.
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  Speaker 1: So what are some ways people can recognize that they
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: aren't setting boundaries because I you know, some of these
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  Speaker 1: things you explained to here, you over explaining, over apologizing.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: These over explaining are apologizing.
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  Speaker 2: Yep, you can say something once and say something firm
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  Speaker 2: and be unfreaking apologetic about it. You are not being rude.
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  Speaker 2: You are being authoritative. You are being true to yourself
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  Speaker 2: and you do not need to be liked so bad
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  Speaker 2: that you are willing to burn out and overuse your resources,
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  Speaker 2: your internal resources to make someone else happy. And healthy
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  Speaker 2: relationships are reciprocal, but they are absolutely not one sided,
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  Speaker 2: and so you have to ask yourself before you give
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  Speaker 2: part of yourself, how does this benefit my life? How
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  Speaker 2: does this feel in my body? How does this up level?
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  Speaker 2: You know, my relationships in a healthy way, not in
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  Speaker 2: a yeah my success, my happiness, And if it doesn't
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  Speaker 2: serve you in any kind of positive way, then just
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  Speaker 2: say no, yeah, And that's not being selfish. You only
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: have a limited amount of internal resources. And we've talked
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  Speaker 2: about the gas tankle a lot. Where are you spending
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: your gas in your tank? And when your tank has gone,
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  Speaker 2: your self regulation has gone, your self control is gone.
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  Speaker 2: That's when we snap on our kids. That's when we
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  Speaker 2: yell at the dog. That's when we overeat, you know,
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  Speaker 2: the McDonald's cheeseburger because we didn't feel like cooking. Boundaries
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  Speaker 2: protect your peace and your energy, and it's an external
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  Speaker 2: marker of your internal clarity and your own self trust
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  Speaker 2: and listen people Subconsciously, people do not respect people that
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  Speaker 2: are boundaryless.
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  Speaker 3: No, they don't.
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  Speaker 2: So you think you think you're being more liked by
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  Speaker 2: people pleasing, but really, subconsciously those people are like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: you're a.
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  Speaker 1: Dormant and they'll take advantage of it.
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  Speaker 2: Saying no is so incredibly powerful and it sounds cliche
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  Speaker 2: everybody says, oh, say no, say no, But when you're
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  Speaker 2: actually in the moment and someone is asking something of
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  Speaker 2: you and there's that pressure of the need to belong,
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  Speaker 2: which is real. The access to safe connection is a
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  Speaker 2: fundamental human need. And it feels like we're risking our
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  Speaker 2: access to safe connection when we tell people now or.
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  Speaker 1: The fear of just feeling rejected or them that making
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  Speaker 1: that other person upset. That's a big one for me.
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  Speaker 2: It is right, and so the need to like yourself
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  Speaker 2: is more important than others needing to like you, and
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  Speaker 2: that is not narcissistic. That is authenticity and regulation embodied. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and so I just want people to know it is
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  Speaker 2: okay to say no and you can say it respectfully
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  Speaker 2: and politely. Oh man, I would really love to do that,
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  Speaker 2: but unfortunately with my schedule, it just doesn't allow for that.
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  Speaker 2: And I really hope you find somebody that can serve
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  Speaker 2: that role for you.
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  Speaker 3: It sounds like an awesome thing, right. You don't even have.
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  Speaker 1: To give a reason explaining part.
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  Speaker 2: You don't even have to give reasons. I like to
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  Speaker 2: give like a just a general I don't be like nope, sorry, sure,
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  Speaker 2: I mean I faced it the other day when two
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  Speaker 2: clients emailed. My executive assistant was like, I will do
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  Speaker 2: anything to meet with doctor Hensley, and I said I
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  Speaker 2: wasn't taking any new clients after December seventeenth, twenty twenty five.
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  Speaker 2: Nobody knew. If you're an existing client, I will see
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  Speaker 2: you through your journey. But after that I can't. I
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  Speaker 2: can't because I have projects that still can't say publicly,
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  Speaker 2: but that are to be very demanding of my time
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  Speaker 2: that like people have paid me for and I have
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  Speaker 2: to have that energy. And I was so burnt out
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  Speaker 2: at the end of December. It's hard to say no
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  Speaker 2: to people in crisis. It's hard to say no to
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  Speaker 2: people who I know really need my help. But I
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  Speaker 2: had to because there's other resources. I have two great
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  Speaker 2: other coaches that can handle that. I have my hybrid
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  Speaker 2: program where people absolutely thrive, And so it was a
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  Speaker 2: pivotal moment for me to be.
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  Speaker 1: Like, I'm proud of you. No, I'm sorry, because that
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  Speaker 1: was kind of like we had probably I don't know
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  Speaker 1: two or three conversations one in particular that I remember,
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  Speaker 1: you know, before the end of twenty twenty five, where
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  Speaker 1: you know, it was just like, this has to be
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  Speaker 1: the year of no for you.
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  Speaker 3: It has to be the year of no, because you did.
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  Speaker 1: Say yes to a lot last year, which was exciting
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  Speaker 1: and wonderful, but then it also saying yes to everything,
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  Speaker 1: it just puts you in this place where you're constantly
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  Speaker 1: in the weeds and you can't you can't dig.
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  Speaker 2: Your So I wanted to scream into a pillow every
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  Speaker 2: single day where I was sobbing at night to my
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  Speaker 2: husband and he's like, look at how hard you worked
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  Speaker 2: to regulate your nervous system. You are regressing by saying
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: yes too much. And I'm like, you're right, it's just
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  Speaker 2: not sustainable. And it wasn't coming from this people pleasing
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  Speaker 2: place anymore. It was coming from deep empathy to want
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: to help other people and extend myself to where I
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  Speaker 2: was just so paper thin there was nothing left over
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  Speaker 2: for me. And you need to have boundaries with your
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  Speaker 2: kids too, And this is something that I've been practicing
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  Speaker 2: more and more as I lean into ever trying to
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  Speaker 2: be a securely attached parent. Where boundaries do teach people
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  Speaker 2: how to treat you, and they teach your children how
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  Speaker 2: to treat you, and they teach your romantic partner how
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  Speaker 2: to treat you, and they teach your boss how to
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  Speaker 2: treat you. And I would rather, honestly, in my life,
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  Speaker 2: be alone, be broke, be whatever, than be resentful ever again.
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  Speaker 2: I have lived with deep resentment in my heart and
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  Speaker 2: I don't want that ever again. And you always say,
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  Speaker 2: and resentment doesn't come from someone treating you poorly, It
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  Speaker 2: comes from your own lack of boundaries.
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  Speaker 1: What you tolerate. Yep. Yeah, So you mentioned here this
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  Speaker 1: theory of self concept clarity that I would really like
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  Speaker 1: you to explain on a deeper level because I'm curious
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  Speaker 1: I don't know what it means.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it refers to how clearly and how confidently people
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  Speaker 2: define their own beliefs, values, and their limits. And so
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  Speaker 2: self concept is the answer to the question who am I?
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  Speaker 2: And our behavior tells people who we are. It tells
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  Speaker 2: people who we are, and so are we someone with
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  Speaker 2: healthy limits?
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  Speaker 3: Are we someone who does with our values?
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  Speaker 2: Are we somebody who follows through and does what we
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  Speaker 2: say we're going to do? And when you have poor boundaries,
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  Speaker 2: you end up not being able to follow through really
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  Speaker 2: well in a lot of areas of your life, and
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  Speaker 2: so that creates cognitive dissonance where you have this sort
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  Speaker 2: of internal tension of I believe I'm this person, but
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  Speaker 2: my behavior doesn't say that I'm this person, right, And
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  Speaker 2: so it just refers to how clearly and confidently you
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  Speaker 2: are able to express your values, your limits, your boundaries,
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  Speaker 2: who you are to the world, and that has to
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  Speaker 2: match up with who you believe you should be internally,
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  Speaker 2: or it creates a lot of anxiety.
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  Speaker 1: How would you suggest people get clear on those things
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  Speaker 1: because some people just don't know, right, Like some people
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  Speaker 1: don't what are your values? Right? Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: First of all, what are your values?
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  Speaker 2: What do you value, and then you have to say
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  Speaker 2: yes to things that match up with those and know
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  Speaker 2: to things that do not. So if you value feeling regulated,
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  Speaker 2: feeling in control, feeling resourced, we talk a lot about
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  Speaker 2: resource being resourced in self regulation. Do you have the
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  Speaker 2: internal resources and the external resources to thrive? And when
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  Speaker 2: your resources are spread too thin you can't thrive?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and can you give examples of what those are,
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  Speaker 1: like what internal and what external resources are?
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  Speaker 3: Absolutely?
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  Speaker 2: So, internal resources are, for example, your ability to mobilize
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  Speaker 2: without shame. So let's say you have a hard time
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  Speaker 2: getting out of bed in the morning, and the reason
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  Speaker 2: that you were able to get out of bed is
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  Speaker 2: because you are at the limit of when you can
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  Speaker 2: get out of bed and still get ready without being late.
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  Speaker 2: So you are pressed against time pressure. Right, So you
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  Speaker 2: are looking at the clock. You know you have one
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  Speaker 2: more minute or maybe even past it. You have five minute.
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  Speaker 2: Now you're five minutes late. And the only way that
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  Speaker 2: you are able to mobilize, which is a part of
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  Speaker 2: self regulation, it's doing something you don't want to do,
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  Speaker 2: which is get out of bed. If you can only
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: get out of bed because there's a time pressure, you're
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  Speaker 2: not internally resourced. You have to rely on that external
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  Speaker 2: resource of time pressure to actually mobilize.
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  Speaker 1: I've been there.
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  Speaker 2: If you are only mobilizing out of shame, that's another
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  Speaker 2: lack of internal resource. You are too burdened internally by shame,
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  Speaker 2: which is drawing from your internal self regulatory gas tank.
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  Speaker 2: So you're shaming yourself to get out of bed. Well,
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  Speaker 2: if I don't get out of bed, like I'm a
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  Speaker 2: lazy piece of whatever, If I don't go to the gym,
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  Speaker 2: I suck whatever. And what this leads to this sort
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  Speaker 2: of shame based mobilization or time pressured mobilization, is that
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  Speaker 2: you end up getting into fight or flight to activate
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  Speaker 2: into mobilize, versus being able to mobilize from a ventral
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  Speaker 2: vagel regulatory state where you are not pumping out cortisol
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  Speaker 2: and adrenaline to do it. So we want to be
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  Speaker 2: well resourced, which means that we want to have enough
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  Speaker 2: bandwidth or gas in our tank to be able to
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  Speaker 2: do things like mobilize when it's hard, get out of
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  Speaker 2: bed on time, instead of needing time pressure, or get
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  Speaker 2: out of bed without telling ourselves. If we don't, we're
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  Speaker 2: a pos That comes from not giving your resources away
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  Speaker 2: in other areas. And it also comes from your relationship
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  Speaker 2: with shame. And we've talked a lot about d shame
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  Speaker 2: and how it increases your internal resources. And so I
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  Speaker 2: noticed that at the end of last year, I was
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  Speaker 2: a lot of times, you know, my coaching schedule would
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: be like eleven to eight pm, kind of straight with no.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Breaks, no pee breaks or anything.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, no no breaks. Like I was like, why am
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: to myself? And then I stopped going to the gym
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  Speaker 2: because I would just sit in bed and I would
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: just drink my coffee and I would just be like,
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  Speaker 2: I just need some time of like quiet and just
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  Speaker 2: time to read my Bible or time to just relax
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  Speaker 2: and compress.
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  Speaker 3: And not have to be on.
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  Speaker 2: And then I started noticing that voice in my head
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  Speaker 2: you gotta get up, or the clock sort of like
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  Speaker 2: ticking five minutes past the hour of when I needed
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  Speaker 2: to be up, and I was like, I am not
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  Speaker 2: living authentically, absolutely not. I have spread my resources way
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  Speaker 2: too thin, I have taken on way too much, and
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  Speaker 2: now I can only mobilize and function and be productive
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  Speaker 2: in a functional freeze mode, which is where you're sort
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: of oriented to your environment with this external threat, aka
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: you're in fight or flight to get shit done, and
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  Speaker 2: then you end up dissociated from your inner world because
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  Speaker 2: your inner world's too much pressure. So you're just like
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  Speaker 2: checked out, which is going through the motions, but you're
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: completely checked out.
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  Speaker 3: And then what happens.
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  Speaker 2: Your kids come up to you and say, mommy, mommy,
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  Speaker 2: let me see this, you know, see the drawing I made,
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  Speaker 2: and you're just like, oh, that's great, instead of like
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  Speaker 2: looking at it and appreciating it and looking at their
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  Speaker 2: face and being present and feeling joy and being connected
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  Speaker 2: to your children.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like, oh, hell no, I'm not doing
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  Speaker 3: this anymore.
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  Speaker 1: No.
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  Speaker 2: That was my pivotal freaking moment where I was like,
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  Speaker 2: I am not practicing what I preach here and no more.
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  Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, that's what I was about to say, because
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  Speaker 1: it also hurts the people that you serve. Obviously your
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: family first and foremost, but you know, the baseline of
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: your entire practice is to be able to teach people
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  Speaker 1: how to do these things right.
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  Speaker 3: And I stopped.
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  Speaker 2: There was about a three month period where I wasn't
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: practicing what I preached. And nothing will make you feel
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: worse about yourself than freaking hypocrisy. That is cognitive dissonance.
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  Speaker 2: That is like hypocrisy is the foundation of cognitive dissonance,
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  Speaker 2: which is internal angst and anxiety.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and even though it was coming from a really
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: beautiful place, right, you wanted to almost over serve, you know,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: the clients that come into your practice.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, And I was doing a lot for my daughter's
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: cheer team, and I was doing.
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  Speaker 3: A lot sort of outside of work, lots of projects. Yep, yep, yep.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: So have boundaries, say no set limits, have boundaries inside
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: of your relationship. Poor boundaries are worse than no boundaries
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  Speaker 2: at all, like poorly held boundaries, or worse than no
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: boundaries at all. Just let me give you an example. Gosh,
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  Speaker 2: I always forget if I talked about this before on
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: the pod.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: Doesn't matter, you talk about it again. It's a good reminder,
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: all right.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: If a toddler's having a tantrum and because maybe they're
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: you took the phone away from them or something, right,
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  Speaker 2: they were banging your phone against the coffee table and
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: you're like, you can't do that, dude, you're gonna break
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: my phone. Yeah, you take it from them and they
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: start screaming louder, and you can't take that screaming louder,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: and you give it back to them. You've just taught
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: them to escalate distress. And you subconsciously teach people how
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: to treat you and what they can get away with
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: in your life. So you teach them if they escalate
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: pressure and distress you. Okay, you don't want to be
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: doing a story of my life.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: My animals do this to me all the time.
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: Set limits with your animal now, so I've.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Heard this study all the time, and they want to
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: be fed more food. My husband's in the studio right now,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: shaking his head and laughing.
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: So we got more, We got more for you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I think this one is really important and
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to talk about it. Which is appearance
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: as regulation, not performance. So we did an entire episode
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: like on appearance and you know, self image, self image
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  Speaker 1: and the importance of it and also sort of the
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: downfall of it. But this is really interesting. And we
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: even were watching something Cody Sanchez put online the other
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: day about you know, actually spending more time and more
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: money on your looks. Yeah, in twenty twenty six.
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  Speaker 2: Yep, And I actually loved the video that she did.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Shout out to Cody, I hope we can get her
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: on the pod someday.
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  Speaker 1: Awesome.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: She said, Well, it's fundamental social psychology that prettier people
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: are seen as more trustworthy, they make more money, they
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: are seen as more competent and more capable. And so
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: if you are looking to excel, especially in your career,
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: your appearance is extremely important. And if you think that
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: that's shallow, okay, but it fundamentally ties back to our
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: need to belong and our access to safety, and being
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: in with the crowd.
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: Is access to safety.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: We have people that are very much like, well, I
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: want to be so different than everybody else, and they
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: take they have this real like victim mentality and they're like,
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna get a face tattoo, or they do something
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: that's like really bold, right, and then they end up
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: regretting it. Sure years later. I've met some of these people,
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: I know them. I have met some of these people,
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: and you know, yes, you made that decision when you
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: were a little bit more immature, because it was coming
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: from this place of well, I want to go against
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: the great rebellion, and I want I think that my
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: authenticity comes from this uniqueness.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: Your authenticity doesn't have to come from.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Purely uniqueness, and you don't have to do something bold
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: and crazy. But what I will say is that other
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: people's opinions when it comes to getting a job, when
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: it comes to earning money, when it comes to networking,
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: if those are on your list of goals, your appearance
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: does matter.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: It does. I hate to tell you that.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: It's fundamental psychology. It's the way that the world works.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: And so I am happy to invest in my appearance because.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: It makes you more money, it makes me.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: More money, and it would be it would be ignorant
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: not to admit that.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: And to me, that's not Some people would call that
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: into ego driven. And my son called it RIZ the
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: other day because I was suggesting, I didn't know that's
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: what RIZ meant.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: Rizz was charisma, I don't know.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: You called it z our d z listeners don't get
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: your links.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Can you clarify what riz actually means? Please? My son
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: used it because I was suggesting he follows somebody on Instagram.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: He was like, Oh, that's so riz, and I was like,
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: what he's like, it's so like ego driven.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, No, I think investing in your appearance doesn't have
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: to be about ego. It can be about regulation, It
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: can be about self care. It can be about prioritizing yourself.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: It can be about showing the world that you put
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: energy and effort into yourself.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: And it doesn't mean you have to.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: Go and get botox or fillers. It doesn't mean any
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: of that. But it can mean washing your face at
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: night and taking care of your skin. It can mean,
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: you know, taking care of your hair. It can mean
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: putting the dot into your clothes. Didn't They don't to
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: be expensive clothes, but it can be putting thought into them.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: It can be going to the gym. Oh my gosh,
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: there's a million benefits of going to the gym. I
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: don't even think we have to go through them. But
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: it does signal to other people that you care about yourself.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: And from an evolutionary perspective in the dating world, it
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: signals virality, It signals fertility, It signals that you are
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: someone who is going to be a mate that will
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: care for others because you care for yourself.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Makes sense.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And so I'm investing in my appearance. I'm going to
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: drop a bombshell I'm just gonna let the world known,
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: to let the world know, because why I try to
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: hide it. I am getting a rhinoplasty in June.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: June. Yeah, yep.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: First of all, it's a functional there's a functional component
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: to it. I have almost total nasal valve collapse, which
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: if you don't know what that is, it's when you
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: breathe in in your nasal valves collapse instead of open.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: And it really is difficult at night when I'm laying
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: down and the blood flow is different. It really really
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: inhibits me. You've known me for a really long time.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Strips were my best friends and until I started giving
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: the strips started giving me a rash.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Hermoses made it like a whole brand.
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: And I just want to be like, dude, get there
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: on a posty or I just.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: Want to be like take the nose strip all.
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: Like it just but I am not.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: Even when I listen to the podcast, I can hear
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: myself go sometimes and I'm like, it's because I can't
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: breathe normally.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: And so the doctor told me that, like I have.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: A thick alia, I don't know how you pronounce it,
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: which is basically the end of my nose is just
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: cartilage with no bone support and not enough support in
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: my nasal valves or something like that. So I have
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: to have a graft done where they take some of that,
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: take some cartilage from another area, and like actually make
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: a bridge a graph to open up my nasal valves.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: So that first and foremost, that is just an up
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: leveling and how I want to feel. But if I
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: have to go in there, you better make it pretty too, Yeah,
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: because it is my least attractive trait, I believe, and
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: hell why not.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I think you have a beautiful note.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: Well, thank you, and you know there's people that are
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: going to go, well God made you that. Nos, Yes
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: it did, Yes he did. But like my mom also
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: smoked when she was pregnant. Who knows what that did.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: I got hit in the face with the baseball bat
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: when I was about four years old. Who knows what
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: that did? So I can't breathe well, and that honestly
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: was my main driver. If I didn't have any breathing issues,
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: I probably just wouldn't have done it.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but I am going.
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: To doctor Cuh. I don't want to say it wrong.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: Doctor Canodia in Beverly Hills who did Chloe Kardashian's nose shop.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: That's that is next level.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: That's because it's a closed procedure and you don't have
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: to be under general and there's no breaking of bones,
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: there's no they don't cut you and peel your nose
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: back and all that stuff freaks me out, freaks me out,
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: freaks me out. So it's like a really rapid recovery, That's.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: What I was gonna say. So the recovery time as much.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: Fast, how much faster, you don't get a bunch of
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: bruising spelling anyway, that was our side tangent.
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: But honestly, I'm down for it.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I don't know about you, guys, but I feel like
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: New Year's is the perfect time to secure your home.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: And if you're looking for an affordable, simple and DIY system,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: Cove is the system for you. And if I can
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: do it, and sayah can do it, anybody can do it.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: That is true.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: I am not very good with technology, and I was
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: able to put up my Cove security system without problem.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: That's right. And so for less than a dollar a day, guys,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: you can secure your home. And before life gets too busy,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: just go ahead and make this one of your New
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: Year's resolutions. Cove is simple, affordable, and like I said,
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: super super easy to put together. They have everything you need,
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: from motion detectors to cameras to a panel. You can
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: check everything right from your phone and they make it
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: super super simple. So go to covesmart dot com, mention
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: the love doc and receive ten percent off your Cove system.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: Back to the subject at hand is, like you know,
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: showing up with secure energy is also showing up really calm.
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: Just to admit to yourself that you want to be hot.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Dana Dazzie talks about that, and I think we mentioned
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: her literally every podcast, but it's so much more regulating
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: to admit who you really are. Just admit you want
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: to be hot, Admit you want to be rich, Admit
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: you want to be a good person. Admit admit the
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: truth about who you want to be, and you will
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: decrease your cognitive dissonance because acting like you don't want
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: it because you think wanting it makes you ego driven
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: or bad is part of where your shame comes from.
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: Just freaking admit it.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: I want to be hot, I want to be rich,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: I want to be scessful, successful, I want to make money.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: I want to do these things, but don't make those
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: the idols in your life. Don't put those above God.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: Don't put those above being a good person and loving
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: other people. And then you're gonna be fine.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I always think about Dolly, our girl, Dolly.
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: Dolly Parton is the go. Yeah.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I mean everything on the woman's fake, but I mean
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: not her personality. She's one of the most authentic people.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I don't know her personally, but you
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: know the interviews that I've watched with Dolly and just
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: how she's really shown up her entire career. And you're
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: talking about you know somebody, Yeah, somebody who's.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: Been it's not like, oh, I don't have a boob job.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she's been in the spotlight for I don't know,
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: fifty plus years and she's yeah, for a long time,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: and she's never tried. She's never tried once, even when
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: it was not this thing that you know, everyone was
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: doing right, even then, she admitted these were things.
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: She was doing. She looks sixty and she's like ninety.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Those boobsmen are out of control, they are.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: So anyway, let's yeah, just don't get blindness.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, So so detachment from outcome. I want you
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: to go a little bit further into this too, because again,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: you know, showing up with secure energy in twenty twenty six,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: what does this mean.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: It means you are taking what if to even if
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: you stop saying what if?
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: What if?
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: What if and you start going even if, okay, even
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: if this doesn't work out, I will still be okay,
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: even if. And a part of that is going to
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: be learning to move through pain. And if you didn't
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: listen to our episode on actually how to feel your
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: feelings and how to process somatically, you absolutely have to
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: listen to that because that is the thing that will
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: probably up level your life, your happiness, your nervous system.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Resilience build you a bigger gas tank more than anything else.
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: It's what if?
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: Is fear driven, it's anxiety, it's future focused, well what if?
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: Okay?
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: So what even if, even if he rejects me, even
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: if I don't get that job, even if I get sick,
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: You have to have something that grounds you enough to say,
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: even if I will freaking figure it out, God will
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: give me the strength through the energy to put one
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: foot in front of the other until it gets better
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: or whatever.
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: Ground you.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: So you talk here about a psychological concept that is
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: psychological reactants. So I want you because we are trying
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: to be more science driven here. Guys, I know, we
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: know you love the science and I do too. Just
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: explain that to our listeners about what that means.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: Reactance is this idea that well, and like research methodology,
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: it's this idea that people change themselves when they know
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: they're being watched. But really, as a psychological theory in general,
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: it's when you take someone's freedom away, they push back,
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: you get more rebellion. So it's sort of like within
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: like psychological methodology, it's like you're taking their freedom away
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: because you're watching them, so you're pressuring them. Stop putting
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: pressure on others to do what you want. You cannot
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: control other people. Stop freaking trying. Okay, just control. You
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: focus on controlling. You focus on up leveling. You focus
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: on what you can do, how you can show up secure.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: A lot of people come into my coaching practice and
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: their main goal right out of the gate is to
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: get their partner to change.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: It's like the first thing they ask first get.
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: How do I get my partner too? Yeah, you can't,
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: you can't.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: How and nobody has ever begged, pleaded, stomped, criticized, explained
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: their way into a healthy relationship.
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: Nobody.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: So this next one is selective vulnerability. Oversharing is not authenticity.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: Nope, don't stop emotionally dumping on people. Learn to self regulate,
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: learn to feel through your emotions. And we're going to
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: do a whole episode next week on why complaining is
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: bad for you and why venting is really bad for you.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: It's actually really bad for you. It's bad for your
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: brain for a number of reasons. So tune in next
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: week if you want to hear about that. Stop emotionally
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: dumping on people.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: It's not It shows an out of control mind for sure. Right.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: It shows that you were using someone else as your passy,
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: as your emotional security blanket. Now I'm not saying that
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: coregulation and co soothing and an intimate relationship or a
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: friendship is not important. It is, But you can be
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: using people as an emotional dumpster. And you've had that
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: experience recently, and it really made you question your relationship
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: with a certain person in your life because they used
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: you as an emotional dumpster.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: And I just scraculated you for the same thing.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you told me that that was a pivotal moment
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: in our friendship when I was now, granted, I was
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: going through the most traumatizing thing I've ever been through
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: in my life, and kind of a lot of things
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: at once, but it still didn't excuse me for sort
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: of just only allowing our friendship to be about emotional dumping.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: Right right, And I did. I mean, it was not
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: in the best way, but I eventually have to be like, hey,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: this doesn't feel like a friendship anymore.
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: And so that was reactance.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Because you're pressurized, you're feeling pressured to be my savior
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: or be somebody's savior and have all the answers. Doesn't
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: mean you can't be listening. Ear you should be. But
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: when someone is using you as just an emotional dumpster
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: to just vomit out in diarrhea everything onto you and
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: expecting you to fix it, that's different than saying, hey,
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: I'm really feeling sad right now, and let me share
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: that experience with you, because because you love me and
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: you want to know how I am. That is Okay,
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, this is awful.
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: I can't do this. What do I do? Tell me
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: what to do? Just what do I do? Tell me
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: what to do?
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: And then a lot of times those people who overshare
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: and dump all their emotions on you when you go
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: to tell them the truth, they don't want to hear
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: the truth.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: No, they don't want to hear the truth. They just
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: want you to agree with them, and they just all
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: them will be like, oh my gosh, all of your
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: really out of control feelings are so super valid, and
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: of course you should feel like total crap. And then really,
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: what you want to say to them is do you
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: not see how you are responsible for so many of
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: the problems you are complaining about right now? Because the
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: people who are emotionally dumping generally are the type of
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: people that are also either boundaryless or dysregulated, or poorly
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: resourced or not in control of their own lives. Aka,
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: they have no agency or volition in their lives, if
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: we want to speak about it psychologically, and that is
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: creating their problems. They're creating their own mess. And then
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: they're using you as an emotional dumpster like and waving
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: their hands in the air like how did I get here?
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: That was me?
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like look in the mirror, yeah, no, look
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: at yourself. I didn't say that, but you know there
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: were moments maybe that I did. And you know, sometimes
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: you come to those crossroads with certain friends.
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: You have to how people go. Stop needing to be liked.
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: I don't care if anybody likes me or not.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: Mine's more of mine is more of just maybe toxic empathy, right,
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: I feel like I get it. I just don't. I
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: don't want to hurt.
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: I don't want to hypope.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: I don't want to hurt someone like so sometimes and
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: sometimes the truth is very hurtful.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: But then what ends up happening is you get resentful,
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: and it builds and builds and builds and builds.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: And then I love it.
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then you bliw up.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: That's my cycle for sure, I mean and and I'm
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: noticing those patterns. We do it with our kids.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: We can do it with our romantic partner. We can
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: do it with our friendships, we can do it with
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: people we work with. We can do it with ourselves.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Where you are boundary lists and then you eat them,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: eat the two big.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: Macs yep, yeah, and then you hate yourself even more.
• 32:37
  Speaker 3: Yes, and then you loathe yourself. Oh hey, why did
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: I do that?
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Well, this brings me to the next point, which
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: is internal validation is the primary reward system, which I
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: feel like.
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: Yes, stop seeking so much external validation.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: And that might sound counterintuitive to put money into your parents,
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: but that is for you. That is not necessarily for
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: other people, because other people, oh, yes, we'll reward you
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: for that, but the resources you will gain from that
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: is important. That is different showing up to work with
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: makeup on and showered and with your hair done, which will,
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: if you look at the science, get you thirty percent
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: more money, which is what Cody Sanchez was saying. Putting
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: money into your appearance getting you more money. That's not
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: necessarily seeking external validation. That is using the rule of
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: human behavior, using a rule of human behavior to succeed more.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: But if you need it to feel okay about yourself,
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: that's a different story, right.
• 33:35
  Speaker 3: I freaking cringe.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: I want to throw up when I look back at
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: my pictures from twenty nineteen on my Facebook.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: There's so many moments with the First.
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: Traps we were so desperate.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: It really Oh Josh never sees those videos.
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: It freaking reaked.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: And when I see the First Traps today, the first
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: thing I think of is you think that's the only card.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: You have to place this where, bro, because men do
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: it too, the gem selfies. You're going to stop thirs
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: traps on social media. You're going to stop the gym
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: selfies because guess what, it's not for you. It's not
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: for you. If it was for you, you'd put that
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: picture on your mirror or you just look in the mirror.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: It's for somebody else to give you a like and
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: a comment and a boost. And you're using that external
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: validation as your motivator. You need internal motivation. Internal motivation
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: always gets the job done, It always gives you self satisfaction,
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: it always produces good outcomes. External validation is the flakiest
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: thing on the flipping planet because it's not consistent and
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: you have to keep going after it in different ways
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: and probably sacrificing some of your integrity to get it.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: And you just have to show up as this chameleon,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: always changing, always you know, being something that maybe you don't.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: It makes sure you have no self identity. When you
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: show up that way, you don't know who you are
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: because you're you feel like, Okay, if I'm in this situation,
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: I have to be this way. If I'm you know,
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: if I'm in this situation, I have to be this way.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: And what does that do decrease your authenticity? And what
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: are we doing in twenty twenty six We're going to
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: be authentic badasses with no apology about who we are,
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: what we like, what we do, whatever, And that is
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: based on that authenticity means it's based on your own
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: internal well being, wants, needs, desires.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: Yes, which leads us to the last point, which is
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: authenticity without self abandonment.
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: Yes, you can't abandon yourself. And I'll say it again, So, yeah,
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: it goes back to boundaries, It goes back to a
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: lot of different different things.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: Everything we talked about. Everything we talked about basically.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: You will never have a healthy nervous system. If you
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: are not authentic, you will never have a healthy nervous system.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: That is why, you know what in twenty twenty six years,
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: what I'm gonna tell you about myself, I'm a libertarian.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: I think the government is the most corrupt and most
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: inefficient organization on the planet, And so why would you
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: want to give them more money? Hate me or love
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: me for those politics? I do not care what else
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: about myself? Yeah, I value my own appearance. There's a
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: lot of me that's fake. My hair's fake, my eyelashes
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: are fake, my abs are fake. What else is fake
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: about me?
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: We get injectibles?
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: Are injectibles still that my lips are fake. My personality
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: and my heart are not, though, and that that's what
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: would be incongruent for me. I don't care if people
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: know my eyelashes are fake, my lips are fake.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: They can tell. They can sometimes look at you and tell,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: I mean, you tell it. We get eyelashes.
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: There was this video that was hilarious.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: It was this girl and she was stunning, but she
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: also looked very natural, and she said to the god, yeah,
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: that's that's the goal. We don't want to overdo it
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: where you look fake. This guy came up to her
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: in a coffee shop and he goes, I have never
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: seen such a natural beauty in my entire life. Like
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: you are stunning, and it just looks effortless on you.
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: She's like, and you know what she said? She said,
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: are you stupid? She said, my hair's fake, my eyelashes
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: are fake, my lips are fake. This jaw line cost
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: me ten grand. My nose is fake, my boobs are fake.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: My ass is fake? What are you talking about? And
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: that's the thing. Now, those standards are becoming so normalized
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: that when people don't have them, that's when we know them. Yeah,
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: and you know what, fine, I'm you don't have to
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: do what you don't want to do, But don't shame
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: those of us that do it either, Because what I
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: care about in terms of authenticity is my heart, my motives,
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: the way I treat people, my ethics, my.
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: I don't know, like.
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: My charity, my charitable giving. Those are the things that
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: my marriage, my children, whatever. I am so tired of
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: hiding in any way. And I am not hiding anything
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: in twenty twenty six. I'm not hiding my politics. I'm
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: not high my values. I'm not hiding my rhinoplasty. I
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: am not hiding my stickers on my my mug. I
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: didn't put stickers on my my mug because I didn't
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: want people to judge me. You know what, I'm showing
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: up with stickers.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And meanwhile, I have like stickers on everything because
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: it makes me feel chocked.
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: Can I share my stickers?
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: Of course?
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: This is a raccoon coming out of a trash can.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: It says it's trash, can not trash, cannot because can't
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: never could. It says, don't hate me because I'm a
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: little bit cooler, and it's a little cooler cute. Don't
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: hate me because you hate me, bitches. And then this
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: one they're coming off, which.
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: Is, what does someone say, what happens in my head
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: stays in my head?
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: That's right, yeah, because there are You can't control your
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: initial thought, but you can control the ones that come
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: out of your mouth.
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to burnt out but optimistic.
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: Yes, that was that was my year end.
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: We're both feeling that. I'm feeling a lot better.
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: It's a marshmallow that's on fire, and it says burnt
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: out but optimist.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: I only am gonna have positive ish stickers. Yeah, and
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: this one says being a functional adult every day seems
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: a bit excessive.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: I agree with that. I agree with that.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: I've always in play stupid games when stupid prize is that.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: I believe in that little freakingheartedly. Natural consequences are the
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: best teacher.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: I do like that one. You say here right at
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: the end of your notes, I'm reading.
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: She's reading my notes.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: We're trying to be a little bit more organized, strategic
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: and organized, you know, so we don't.
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: Just ramble about our lives.
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: We're going to do a Moonlighting podcast. We are investing
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: in our own studio, which is exciting, which means we
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: will be able to do multiple podcasts. And for the
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: super fans out there that just love our personality because
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: I think we're freaking cool in real life, funny as hell,
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: even if we don't show it on the pot. That
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: pot is going to be for the raw, unfiltered version
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: of us. So if you really like us as people,
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: it's going to be unhinged, but also in a way
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: that reflects God. Yeah, not like an unhinged satanic way,
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: like an unhinged like who we the things we deeply
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: want to say right right, So that just the sciencey things.
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: This is literally how you wrap your notes up here,
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: which is express truth in ways that honor both your
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: values and your nervous system. And honestly, guys, that's all
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: you need to know. That's the summary of this entire
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: episode is express truth because when you express truth, then
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: you're able to show up more authentic. Telling the truth
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: and seeking the truth are two of the most authentic.
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: Seeking and people that do ever grow are the people
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: that are too scared to seek truth about themselves. The
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: more you are willing to seek truth about yourself and
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: who you are, the more you will grow. Yep, the
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: more you will grow people that listen. Shame is an
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: emotion that makes you hide, and I can spot people
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: with deep internalized shame. We talk about insecure attachments, all
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: having self concept built at least partially off of shame.
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: The dismissive avoidant carrying the most shame, and that's why
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: they're the most defensive in conflict and the most unwilling
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: to solve conflict. Is because they don't know how to
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: battle their internal shame, so their pride takes over and
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: then they either project the shame back onto their partner,
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: or they defend against their shame, or they run and
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: hide from their shame. Seek truth about yourself, but also
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: tell other people the truth. The thing I value most
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: about my relationships, and this includes my marriage. This includes
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: our friendship because let's face it, you are one of
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: my only close friends. And I'm fine with that because
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: I have all these kids, right, I've always springing kids.
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: I have fifty eleven kids. YEA, in my house.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: I know I have four children, and you know I'll
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: tell you the truth. You will, but I can take
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: it handle it.
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: That pivotal moment of our friendship when I was in
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: the depths of hell and you were my only life raft,
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: like the only person I had on this earth, and
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: I was using you as an emotional dumpster, and I
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: was expecting you to soothe me all the time, and
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: I was not valuing the fact that you had your
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: own internal resources in life that you were trying to
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: manage and motherhood and dating life and job and career.
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: I was so so traumatized that I couldn't put that
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: into perspective. And when you told me that truth that
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: I can't be your savior anymore, Sarah, You're going to
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: have to find God, or you're going to have to
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: find medication, or you're going to have to do something
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: for yourself that gets you out of this because I
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: can't pull you out.
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie.
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: It hurt, But it also was like one of the
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: most pivotal moments of my entire life that led to
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: the deepest healing. And now we are the kind of
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: friends that can tell each other really DeepArt truth.
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: We have this mutual respect for each other.
• 42:34
  Speaker 3: And yeah, I respect.
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: I respect that You're not going to say something to
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: me unless it's a truth I really need to hear.
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: But I'm gonna if I have to speak a truth
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: to you, I'm not just gonna be.
• 42:44
  Speaker 3: Like, girl, you need to stop blah blah blah.
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm going to be like, baby, I've noticed something
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: and I think that it's hurting you. And I love you,
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: but I think that this isn't good for you anymore.
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: And I think you should maybe think about it. And
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: that's really and I'm saying this because I love you
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: and I want to see you thrive.
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: The way that you express these things, the way you
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: express truth, is very important.
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: And when you're one of those people that doesn't have
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: boundaries and builds resentment and you blow your top, that
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: is not speaking truth with my hand is raised truth
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: from an empty gas tank that you created.
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've made that mistake one too many times, and
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: you know, and I've lost friends over it. And even
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: though my like what I've spoken has been the truth,
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: it's been you know, diarrhea of the mouth. And I'm
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: trying to I'm working on it. I'm working on it.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: So we just want to wrap up by saying, you know,
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: there's a few little like witty and punchy little energy
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: secure energy statements that you created that I think are
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: really cute. Secure energy doesn't convince, it invites. It's true.
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: Boundaries are not cold. Confusion is That's right.
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: It's not nice for people to not know where they stand.
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: That is not nice, and it's true for children. It's
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: true for relationships. Boundaries are offense when it gives people
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: prediction around where they can go with you.
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: Oversharing is anxiety. Wearing an honesty costume. Calm is the
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: loudest flex in the room. I love Hey, yeah, I
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: love that. Authenticity without regulation is just emotional leakage. Secure
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: people don't audition. They arrive balk.
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: Into every room like God sent you there.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: But hey, bro, you don't need to explain yourself to
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: people who benefit from misunderstanding you.
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: There's a bit where you need to stop explaining, shut
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: your mouth and just pull your access.
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: Yep, that's right. Consistency is more attractive than intensity.
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: Consistency only happens when you're well resourced and regulated.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: Though. When you stop chasing outcomes, people lean in and last,
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: but not least, secure energy feels boring to chaos and
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: irresistible to safety.
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when you become truly secure, it's not just in
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: your relationships, it's in who you are. It's an unapologetic
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: best version of your most authentic self. I'll leave you
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: with this in twenty twenty six, be the best version
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: of your most authentic self.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: Amen, end it And if you need help doing that
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: you care for you, you can see so doctor Tinsley
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: at her website, the lovedoc dot com check out all
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: of her services there. Of course, her hybrid group coaching
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: program is the most popular service she has. And guys,
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: I honestly have thought about going through your group again
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: just because it's always such a good reminder and when
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: you purchase it, you're going to get access to her
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: four chapter course that you have access to for life,
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: plus all the recorded group calls. It has a ninety
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: page workbook. Yeah, because it's a great reminder. It's wonderful
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: to be able to go back to those things and
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: just remind yourself because the brain loves repetition. So please
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: continue to tune in, like, follow, leave us some feedback.
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: We love to hear from you. Guys and guys, we're
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: looking for brand partnerships.
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: We are because we are super picky.
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: We are willing to not make money to not have
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: to promote products or services that we don't believe in.
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: So we are actually vetting sponsors and live reads very carefully.
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: If you think we would love your product, we would
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: like to hear from you, So send us an email
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: at podcast at the lovedoc dot com and tell us
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: about your product, tell us about your service, and we'll
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: see if we can serve you and work out a
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: deal that benefits both of us. Because we only promote
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: things on this podcast that we use, that we love,
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: that we believe in, and that does make it harder.
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: It does because it.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: Means like we get a lot of please promote this product,
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: and we're like, we'd rather take less money.
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we've gotten a lot of those actually, So please yeah,
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: reach out to us, let us know and until next time, guys, peace, love,
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: and perspective.