Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #517 6 Phrases to Transform Your Relationship With The Kids

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#517 6 Phrases to Transform Your Relationship With The Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
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  Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I think
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: the most magical part of an apology with a child
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  Speaker 2: is just their absolute one hundred percent forgiveness. They have
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  Speaker 2: a capacity to forgive like no one else. And now
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  Speaker 2: here's the stars of our show, my mom and dad.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I need about twelve barocas to get
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  Speaker 1: going this morning. What.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know what your problem is. I've got my period.
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  Speaker 2: For goodness sake, how can you blame baraka?
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  Speaker 1: Maybe that's what I need, the twelve baroco because of
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  Speaker 1: what's happening in our family, because of where you are
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  Speaker 1: right now. Hello this doctor Justin Coulson, feeling a little
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  Speaker 1: bit shabby, but doing the best that I can this
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  Speaker 1: morning on the founder of Happy Families dot com, dot you,
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  Speaker 1: and damn it. We will have a happy family today.
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  Speaker 1: If it's the last thing that happens, we will be happy.
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  Speaker 1: I'm here with Kylie My I don't know what to say.
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  Speaker 1: I was going to say, I'm going to get in
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  Speaker 1: trouble for it, my menstrual wife. Hey, look, it's a
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  Speaker 1: part of living, isn't it. Mum to our six kids, perimenopause.
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  Speaker 1: Do you think that's what I'm suffering from? Yes, I
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  Speaker 1: think that might be. We need to talk about some
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  Speaker 1: important things. We need to talk about some important things.
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  Speaker 1: Now that we're in our home and have been for
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  Speaker 1: about a week and we're feeling a little bit more settled,
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  Speaker 1: maybe that's why we're tired. It's been a lot the
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  Speaker 1: last few months, the last couple of weeks in particular,
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  Speaker 1: it's been a lot.
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  Speaker 2: Do you see end insight? No, because of it ever
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  Speaker 2: being not a lot.
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  Speaker 1: There is six children in our family. Today's podcast topic,
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  Speaker 1: let's just get on with that. Instead of complaining about
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  Speaker 1: how tired we are, how overwhelmed, how exhausted, how we are.
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  Speaker 1: Today's podcast, we're going to share five phrases that will
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  Speaker 1: help to trans form your relationship with your child. Five
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  Speaker 1: phrases that will help to transform your relationship with your child.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, I just thought of a sixth one, so
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to make it six. That's the podcast as
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  Speaker 1: of today, Kylie, because I've just come up with a
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  Speaker 1: sixth one. Things that we can say to our kids
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  Speaker 1: when things aren't quite right, when things are looking a
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  Speaker 1: little bit rough, a little bit rugged, a little bit down,
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  Speaker 1: a bit like they are today for Coley, for me.
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  Speaker 1: So let's dive into it. Should we just do it
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  Speaker 1: the things that we see in the Coilson household all
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  Speaker 1: the time. You just wrote it down and showed it
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  Speaker 1: to me, the one that I just thought of. So
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  Speaker 1: why don't we start right there and you can have
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  Speaker 1: the glory, you can have the you can have the
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  Speaker 1: honor that comes with coming up with this one. Is
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  Speaker 1: that right? Yeah? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Apologizing I am sorry?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, Well why would you say that transforms the
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  Speaker 1: relationship with your kids?
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  Speaker 2: Because it helps our children to recognize that we get
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  Speaker 2: it wrong. When they're young, they think that we have
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  Speaker 2: the answers to everything. Yeah, they soon work it out
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  Speaker 2: that we don't. But in our if it's help them
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  Speaker 2: be better people. They constantly feel like they're the only
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  Speaker 2: ones doing it wrong.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like competent all the time. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: And we make them feel worse about it.
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  Speaker 2: And so I think it's so powerful as the adult
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  Speaker 2: in the relationship to admit when you do things wrong.
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  Speaker 1: So I've written an article that we will link to
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  Speaker 1: in the show notes about how to give a good apology.
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  Speaker 1: There are four steps to a good apology, and I
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  Speaker 1: think it's really important. I want to pick up on
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  Speaker 1: something else that you just said, though, Kylie. And when
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  Speaker 1: our older kids were growing up, the first couple of
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  Speaker 1: kids we had, when they were little, I used to
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  Speaker 1: have this phrase that I said to the kids all
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  Speaker 1: the time. They would look at me in wonder and say,
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  Speaker 1: how do you know? Cause I seemed to know everything
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  Speaker 1: to them. And I used to actually say that, well,
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  Speaker 1: because I know everything, And I thought it was really
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  Speaker 1: fun and really cute, and I just delighted in saying
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  Speaker 1: I know everything. But after i'd been doing that for
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  Speaker 1: a number of years, I discovered, or I realized recognized,
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  Speaker 1: thought about it, and figured, it's not a great lesson
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  Speaker 1: to teach the kids. Number One, They're going to figure
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  Speaker 1: out one day that I don't know everything, and that's
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  Speaker 1: going to be a horrible day for us all. But
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  Speaker 1: more to the point, what am I teaching them about
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  Speaker 1: themselves other than that they are inferior compared to the
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  Speaker 1: one who knows all. It just felt like it was
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  Speaker 1: setting them up for failure as much it was setting
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  Speaker 1: me up for failure. And so I stop saying I
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  Speaker 1: know everything. I don't want the kids to think that
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  Speaker 1: I know everything. I want them to see the joy
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  Speaker 1: that comes from figuring things out.
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  Speaker 2: Well, once they work out that you don't know everything.
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  Speaker 2: Their teachers though, yes.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yes, that's right. Yeah. Oh. I hate it
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  Speaker 1: when the teachers apparently no more than me, especially about
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  Speaker 1: things that I'm well qualified. Anyway, I'm sorry is a
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  Speaker 1: phrase that will transform your relationship, and it just feels good.
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  Speaker 1: Let's be honest. I mean, I know no parent really
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  Speaker 1: wants to have to apologize to their kids, but it
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  Speaker 1: feels really good when you stay with your kiddo and
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  Speaker 1: you say I'm sorry, I got it wrong, I didn't
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  Speaker 1: know this like that. It draws them closer to you,
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  Speaker 1: It draws you closer together.
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  Speaker 2: I think the most magical part of an apology with
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  Speaker 2: a child is just their absolute, one hundred percent forgiveness.
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  Speaker 2: They have a capacity to forgive like no one else. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and it is so beautiful to see it given.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to say humbling, because we make songhasses, We
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  Speaker 1: make such a mess of it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's that's a really good word. It's really humbling
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  Speaker 2: when you when you know you've just stuffed it up
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  Speaker 2: so badly and you see the look in their eyes
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  Speaker 2: and you feel their love and know that it's going
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  Speaker 2: to be okay.
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  Speaker 1: So here's the second phrase that I think can help
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  Speaker 1: you to transform your relationship with your child. We spend
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  Speaker 1: so much time telling them what to do and what
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  Speaker 1: I have found and practiced, and you've you've seen this happen,
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  Speaker 1: especially during the mornings in our home. Is there's a
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  Speaker 1: question that I ask the kids. It's a phrase that
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  Speaker 1: I use all the time as they're getting ready in
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  Speaker 1: the morning to change the way this happens. And I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to potentially embarrass myself here and put us both
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  Speaker 1: on the spot. What phrase do you think that I'm
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  Speaker 1: referring to?
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  Speaker 2: It would be how can I help?
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  Speaker 1: Oh, thank goodness for that I've actually said it and
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  Speaker 1: been heard. I was worried. You look at me blankly
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  Speaker 1: and say, I don't know. You know, talk in the mornings, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: how can I help? Instead of correction and direction, the
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  Speaker 1: question how can I help? Shows the kids that hey,
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  Speaker 1: I'm on your side and I'm here to connect with
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  Speaker 1: you and guide you and work with you rather than
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  Speaker 1: just tell you what to do all the time. And
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  Speaker 1: I believe that it transforms the relationship.
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  Speaker 2: You do it with me all the time as well,
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  Speaker 2: And it's just it's so wonderful to recognize that you
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  Speaker 2: can see that that what's happening right now is difficult,
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  Speaker 2: but you're not presuming to understand or know what it
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  Speaker 2: is that I need that.
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  Speaker 1: And that's the critical thing here. As parents, we often
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  Speaker 1: think we do know what's going on. We feel like
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  Speaker 1: we understand and we know what needs to be done
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  Speaker 1: to fix it, But it does our children no good
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  Speaker 1: for us to make it all better. The benefit, the growth,
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  Speaker 1: the development for our children comes as they figure out
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  Speaker 1: the answers with our gentle support. As we say how
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  Speaker 1: can I help? Or where to from here? Or what's next?
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  Speaker 1: Or what do you need? That shifts Do you know
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  Speaker 1: what it actually does? When I do it to you,
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  Speaker 1: when I do it to the kids, It doesn't matter.
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  Speaker 1: What it does is it shifts the focus the sense
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  Speaker 1: of self efficacy. It's about you doing and not me doing.
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  Speaker 1: It's empowering thing to say.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the thought that came to my mind is it
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  Speaker 2: allows me to have a voice. Right, You're not presuming
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  Speaker 2: that what I actually need in this moment is blah
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  Speaker 2: blah blah. You're actually recognizing that you don't actually you
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  Speaker 2: don't see it all. You don't know it all. And
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  Speaker 2: while you think that you know, making my lunch is
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  Speaker 2: what I need, what I actually need is you to
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  Speaker 2: help me find my socks?
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  Speaker 1: Right? Yeah, how can I help? I love it. The
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  Speaker 1: third one just before we take a quick break. This
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  Speaker 1: one's a really short one. It's one that I picked
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  Speaker 1: up from my mum when I was a kid. Mom
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  Speaker 1: used to say this to me all the time. I
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  Speaker 1: would say that it transformed our relationship in a kind
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  Speaker 1: of a negative way initially, but as I've gotten older,
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  Speaker 1: I've seen the wisdom in it and it transformed me
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  Speaker 1: as well. Do you know what my mum used to
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  Speaker 1: always say that drove me crazy, that we now say
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  Speaker 1: to our children constantly.
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  Speaker 2: Hmmm, there's a few, right.
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  Speaker 1: This one's in particular, especially when the kids are whidging
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  Speaker 1: and winnings, saying oh, I can't do it.
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  Speaker 2: Oh can't means don't want to.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it can't means don't want to. Hate it when
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  Speaker 1: Mum said that to me. The kids hate it when
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  Speaker 1: we say it to them, but there's nothing true it then,
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  Speaker 1: can't means don't want to because the reality is when
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  Speaker 1: the kids are winging and whining. Can't do it look hard?
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  Speaker 1: It's too hard when we give them a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of gentle, compassionate but clear tough love. Hey, kiddo, can't
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  Speaker 1: means don't want to? You can? And then we step
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  Speaker 1: into that other situation. So, how can I help? What
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  Speaker 1: do you need? Let's work on this together. Can't means
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  Speaker 1: don't want to is again it's it's not a shutdown.
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  Speaker 1: It's actually empowering if you say it the right way.
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  Speaker 1: And it doesn't just transform your relationship and empower your kids,
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  Speaker 1: but it transforms your kids. So they're the first three
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  Speaker 1: of our six phrases that will help you transform your
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  Speaker 1: relationship with your child. I'm sorry, how can I help?
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  Speaker 1: And can't means don't want to? After the break my
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  Speaker 1: favorite threat. You've asked politely, you've asked again, you've patiently waited,
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  Speaker 1: you've even made a threat, but finally you lose it.
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  Speaker 1: Listen to me, you shout. In the practical webinar the
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Screaming Spiral, you'll learn the top reasons why your child
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: isn't listening, and you'll get pro tips and strategies to
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: get them to hear without yelling. Available on the Happy
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: Families webshop.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: Now it's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the
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  Speaker 2: time or parent who just wants answers? Now, Am I
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  Speaker 2: smiling or not?
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  Speaker 1: We are transforming our relationships with our children? And what
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  Speaker 1: are you meaning me? Are you smiling? On not? What
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  Speaker 1: did I miss? What I'm miss I'm so focused on
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: helping people make their families happier in a time for
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: well experienced way.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, last week we talked about the fact that if
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: you just fake smile, you could tell, and you did.
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  Speaker 2: You did your whole thing. Am I smiling or not smiling?
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  Speaker 1: Right? That's right?
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  Speaker 2: And you weren't looking at me? So I was wondering,
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  Speaker 2: was I smiling when I said the tagline or not?
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  Speaker 1: You're smiling now I can tell that. I mean, I'm
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: looking at you. But I could tell even with my
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: eyes closed, that you're smiling because it makes you feel happy,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't it. We're talking about ways that we ways we
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  Speaker 1: can transform our relationship with our kids by just uttering, memorizing,
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  Speaker 1: practicing specific phrases. We would love to know your phrases,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: By the way, send us a voice memo podcasts at
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you. All you have to
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: do is open up your phone, go into voice memos.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: It can be a ten second message or less. Just
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: say hey, Justin and Kylie, here's the phrase that I
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  Speaker 1: use all the time that transforms my relationship with my child.
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  Speaker 1: And then let us know what that phrase is. I
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: think that we should do a follow up podcast with
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: everybody else's phrases. Can you send that through a voice
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  Speaker 1: memo to podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot A
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: you would be stoked to hear from you at phrase
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  Speaker 1: number four. This is one of my favorite ones. Don't
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  Speaker 1: use it often, but I use it in times where
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  Speaker 1: it really counts. So the kids are having a hard time,
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  Speaker 1: maybe they've blown it, they've done the wrong thing, and
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  Speaker 1: I love to say to them, you mattered to me
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  Speaker 1: much more than this matters to me. You matter to
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  Speaker 1: me much more than this matters to me. It's kind
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  Speaker 1: of a follow on from that idea that we've shared
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  Speaker 1: on the podcast before that people matter, things don't. So
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  Speaker 1: when the kids have blown it, when everything's going wrong,
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  Speaker 1: when emotions are hostile and hot and everyone's in a
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  Speaker 1: tar is, I just like to pull it back and say,
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  Speaker 1: do you know what, This relationship is far more important
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  Speaker 1: than the issue we'll deal with the issue later. Let's
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  Speaker 1: just focus on the relationship right now. Can we be
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  Speaker 1: in a good place together in this relationship. I've said
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  Speaker 1: it to you, said it to the kids, and it's
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  Speaker 1: a really important I think reset to help us to
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  Speaker 1: focus on what matters most. Because the stuff that we're
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  Speaker 1: all fighting about and worried about and dealing with, it'll
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  Speaker 1: go away. Eventually, we'll work through it. The relationship has
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  Speaker 1: to endure, and so the relationship has to come first.
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  Speaker 2: I love it.
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  Speaker 1: Number five Okay, the fifth one is related to my
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: idea that you've got to love the hills. So if
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: you're new to the podcast, you might not know this,
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: but I love cycling. I've been riding bicycles for a
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  Speaker 1: long time and I love to jump on my bike
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  Speaker 1: and go for long rides, especially up big hills. But
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: a lot of people don't like hills. A lot of
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  Speaker 1: people cry and complain and winge and moan about hills
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  Speaker 1: because riding up hills is hard. But when you ride
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  Speaker 1: up hills, you grow, you develop, strengthen, you become a
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  Speaker 1: stronger cyclist, and the view at the top when you
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  Speaker 1: get through that hard thing, it's always worth it. And
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  Speaker 1: So what I love to say to the kids is
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  Speaker 1: you've got to love the hills. But I always add
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  Speaker 1: to it, I believe in you. You've got this. It's
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  Speaker 1: that sense of I believe in you, You've got this,
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  Speaker 1: you can do this. You've got to love the hills.
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  Speaker 1: The hills make you strong.
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  Speaker 2: I think that's one that the kids probably hate more
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  Speaker 2: than they love. But hopefully in time they'll recognize, just
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  Speaker 2: like you have with.
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  Speaker 1: Your mums cammies don't want to.
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  Speaker 2: They'll recognize and see just how powerful that is.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and the last one no surprises.
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  Speaker 2: I love you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, that's got to be said all the time,
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  Speaker 1: but the times where it is the most impactful at
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: the times where we add those three special words on the.
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  Speaker 2: End, no matter what.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I was saying I love you no matter what,
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  Speaker 1: particularly at times where it feels like a child is
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: particularly unlovable, which is most days in most families. From
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: time can kind of drive you crazy when we sit
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: down with them, especially after a challenge. I mean when
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: we say you know, you know that I love you,
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  Speaker 1: but I need you to know I love you no
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  Speaker 1: matter what. There's just something powerful, there's something unconditional the
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  Speaker 1: acceptance that comes along with that is incredibly powerful.
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  Speaker 2: I think the power actually comes as much as it's
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  Speaker 2: for the child, I think it's actually for us. It's
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  Speaker 2: a connection with our hearts in a time where it's
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: very easy to want to withdraw and put, you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of shun when the challenges are hard. It's a
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  Speaker 2: reminder for us to connect.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, in that way. Yeah, I love that. Now
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  Speaker 1: we've got these six phrases that will help you to
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: transform your relationship with the child. Perhaps you've got others
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: that you think we should know about. Please send them
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: to us via a voice memo podcasts at Happy Families
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au. We would be delighted to hear
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: from you. I want to make one more point before
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: we wrap up the pod today, Kylie, and it's that
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  Speaker 1: a lot of people might be going, oh yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: can't remember them all. There's too many. How am I
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  Speaker 1: supposed to know how to say it? Why are those
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: words important? I just want to emphasize it's not actually
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: what you say, it's how you convey your feelings to
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  Speaker 1: your kids. It's that you say something, and that you
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  Speaker 1: say it with warmth and compassion and understanding, forgiveness, whatever
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  Speaker 1: it needs to be. It's not so much the specific
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: words that you say. You don't have to get the
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: phrase right. You can be clumsy all over those words.
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  Speaker 1: But what's the intent behind what you're saying in and
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  Speaker 1: are your kids feeling it? That matters. That's what trans
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: transforms the relationship even more than the words totally.
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  Speaker 2: You might you might have a word snickerdoodles.
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  Speaker 1: Right, and snickerdodles just says something in your family.
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  Speaker 2: In our house, it's not even a word. It's an action.
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  Speaker 2: And the kids can see me from afar and if
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  Speaker 2: I do this action, I just wiggle my ear actually
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  Speaker 2: with my hand. They know that it means I love them.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever seen you do that really
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  Speaker 1: really you wiggle your ear well, I hold.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: My ear up, yeah, and I just wiggle it with
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: my hand. Kids used to used to do it with
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: me when they were on the diving blocks for swimming carnivals.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: They hated getting up on those diving blocks, and I
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: would stand at the other end of the pool and
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: they'd look at me and I'd give them a little
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: wiggle and they just knew that I loved them and
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: that I was there for them.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like I've got this thing with them
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: where I just squeezed them three times. If you get
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: three squeezes, that means I love you, Yeah, love it.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: So it's about the words, but it's also about the
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: intent behind the words. We really hope that these ideas
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: will help you to transform your relationship with your children.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: We'd love to know what you do to transform your
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: relationship with your children. Send us a voice memo podcasters
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au. The Happy Families
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Bruce is our executive producer and if you'd like more
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: andfo about making your family happier, you can visit us
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au. Tomorrow, on the podcast,
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: we're talking about the habits of healthy relationships
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: H