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When Work and Family Compete: How to Release the Guilt and Reclaim Your Peace · The Executive Reset

• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Women in leadership and entrepreneurial roles typically carry two sets of expectations that both demand full commitment.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: One is the ideal worker who's available, responsive, and always on.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: The other is the ideal mother or daughter or partner who's present and attentive and always emotionally available.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Both ideals are treated as total.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So any time that you give to one registers as time taken away from the other.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And guilt starts to become the default state because it is impossible to satisfy both standards at once.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to tell you it's the standard that's the problem, not you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're gonna talk about guilt and role conflict because I think this is a really important thing for women in leadership to explore because we all experience it, but few of us are actually talking about it.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna break this down into what I call two shifts.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: The first being the work shift, the second being the home shift.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So this is kind of the classic situation when when you're at work, you're thinking about the school pickups or your sick parent or your partner's needs.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: When you're at home, you're answering messages and mentally preparing for your next meeting, and neither place gets your undivided attention, and then you just feel the shortfall in both.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're home, the tricky thing is that even in dual career households, women typically carry more of the mental load.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: We all know this than men.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you're also tracking things like scheduling and reminders and calendar appointments and coordination and just anticipating all of the needs of everyone that you're taking care of all the time in a way that most men are not.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's invisible work that usually never shows up on your partner's calendar, but is crowding your own.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes up space in your head, whether you're caregiving for children or you're taking care of aging parents or partner.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Extended family demands often also disproportionately fall to women, and not only that, but that usually happens to us at the same time as our most career-defining roles.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's so much pressure to meet all of those demands at one time.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you aren't just meeting those demands, you're meeting them while faced with unequal scrutiny.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that when a father leaving early from work for a recital, they're often labeled as involved.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas if a mother does the same thing, she's questioned about her commitment at work.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: But if she stays late at the office, she's questions about her priorities at home.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lose-lose.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're constantly doing the math of priorities in your head.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Every missed event or declined opportunity gets weighed.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the sense of having made the wrong call often lingers far longer than the event itself.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And what's worse is that many of us are carrying all of this guilt alone because, like I said, women tend to be hesitant about opening up about it, even though we know it's happening to everyone.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this often happens because we avoid mentioning family obligations at work because of fear of being seen as less committed.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So we're just managing the strain quietly, which adds to the feeling of isolation that we feel in so many different areas as women who lead.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So knowing what we know it looks like practically, let's talk for a minute about what it's costing us emotionally.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because chronic guilt isn't neutral, it is draining because it's nearly never impossible.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's nearly impossible to resolve.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's no finish line where you've done enough.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: So the feeling persists on and on and on.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it can erode our enjoyment of both our roles at work and our roles in our family.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps work starts to feel like stolen time from your family, and time with your family is shadowed by work.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, all of that just contributes to an exhaustion, possibly an irritation, and the sense of never being fully anywhere.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: It also feeds that perfectionism and over-functioning pattern that we've talked about.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because compensating, whether by over-preparing at work or over-compensating at home, becomes our way to quiet that guilt.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And because the pressure is so individualized, you assume you're the only one struggling to manage it, which just adds to your shame.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: What a mess.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing, though, there's hope.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: There are things that we can do to combat this.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I want to get clear on here.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think we're just doomed to cultural or societal conditions that tell us we just have to trod along like this.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's ways that we can choose to step out of this cycle.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: The first is by separating guilt from actual wrongdoing.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So here, I want you to think about guilt as it's usually a signal that you've violated a value of yours.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But with this, it's actually a signal that you've violated an impossible standard.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to ask yourself: have I actually done something wrong here?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I just not meeting a standard that no one is designed to meet?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: That can be a really helpful check.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Next, I want you to define your own version of enough.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So decide in advance what matters most to you at home, whether that's bedtime or particular dinners or recitals, whatever it is for you.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then what matters at work as well.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's gonna help you to keep you from reacting to every poll or every demand on your time and attention.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: You'll know which ones you really want to show up for and which ones you can let go of.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Those clear priorities, they make trade-offs feel like choices rather than failures.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna let you in on something.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to be at 100% of your child's events or your family events or even your work events to be a highly successful woman who leads and family member.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's the truth.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: We just have to remember it.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Next, I want you to try to renegotiate the load at home.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: This one's a tricky one, um, but it is really, really important and can be really powerful.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to try to make the mental load more visible to your partner or whoever you're sharing caregiving with at home.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to try to share not just a task, but like the whole domain, the ownership of an entire domain, to hand that off to someone who's just as capable of you as doing as you of doing it, but might just not be aware that you're holding it in your mind all the time.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: So a common pattern, especially in heterosexual couples, is that they find themselves in a role where mom is deemed the manager and dad is the helper.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this keeps the burden on you, which is what we're trying to get away from.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's a couple of really great resources here that you could check out if you're looking for more tips on this.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the first is a book called All the Rage by Darcy Lochman, and she is a psychologist, and this is just a really good kind of cultural um summary of this dynamic, and then some ways to get around it.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: You will definitely find yourself resonating uh with this one.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next one is Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, and you're probably more familiar with that, it's a lot more common, but um, she has a book and a documentary and a program that couples can work through.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so those are things I would check out if this is a place where you keep finding yourself saying it's easier to just do it myself, or I don't want to have to train my husband in addition to the kids.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Those are red flags that something needs to shift.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it takes a little bit more work up front, but I promise you you will be glad in the long run if you can shift this earlier rather than later.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing is to be present where you are.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: So quality of attention often matters more than quantity of hours.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say that again because I think it's really important.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Quality of attention often matters more than quantity of hours.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am a big quality over quantity person, but it could not be more true than in the roles that matter most to you, whether it's with your kids or at your job.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Offering a small amount of quality is going to override a large amount of hours any day.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we can do this by setting brief boundaries, like when you walk through the door at the end of the day, having a phone-free first hour of the day or a phone-free dinner time.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Those types of things can reduce the feelings of being split and then increase the value of your time wherever you're at, whether it's with your family or at work.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you're at work, it might look like turning off your phone and knowing that if your family can't get a hold of you for an hour, nothing tragic is gonna happen.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna look in an hour and see if they're okay, but to just give yourself that focus time so that you can really get some stuff done.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Next, I would say outsource.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Use outside support as much as possible.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Outsource whatever doesn't require your particular attention, like reliable childcare, cleaning help, delegating logistics.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: These things are not failures.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It protects the time and energy for what only you can give.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really important one.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is this is hard for a lot of women, but it's really important to know you don't have to do everything to be excellent.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Next, you're gonna want to normalize this experience with other leaders.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: So talking openly with peers who face the same pull, it helps reduce the shame and it makes space for resource sharing.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we talked about this a little bit already, but a lot of people aren't talking about it.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to start talking about it.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Start normalizing it and say, hey, this is what I do about XYZ.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And share those resources, share those ideas, and normalize a pattern where we're working out of being the only one who holds everything.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally, I would just say if you are in a leadership role, which you probably are if you're listening to this podcast, and you have any sort of power or authority over other women who are working really hard, you can make a difference by evaluating them on results rather than visible hours, supporting flexibility, and making it normal for men to take caregiving roles so that this stops being coded as just a woman's issue.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's time for us to stop mistaking guilt as evidence of failure, when it is more accurately evidence of an impossible standard.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: The goal here isn't to feel no guilt, but to stop treating it as a verdict, and then to start building a life and a workplace where being committed is both at both doesn't require being perfect at both.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd encourage you to try one of those suggestions this week and see how it feels.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're feeling chronic guilt and shame that goes beyond these points that I've already listed today, I just want you to know that there's support for you.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to chat with you and see if the mindful reset might be a helpful support for you in resetting from the inside out and finding a path forward that is truly sustainable for you.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can reach me via the link in the show notes.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, I'm wishing you more peace, more power, and more purpose.