Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / How to Deal With a Partner Who is Weaponising Incompetence + More (Head Noise)

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How to Deal With a Partner Who is Weaponising Incompetence + More (Head Noise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:14
Speaker 1: This is a head noise question. I am answering my
0:18
Speaker 1: beans questions, my listener questions. I'm going to do four today.
0:23
Speaker 1: Two of the questions kind of like in the same
0:27
Speaker 1: kind of category, so I feel like for you guys,
0:31
Speaker 1: when you listen to the answer to your question, you
0:33
Speaker 1: could hopefully get advice from the other persons as well,
0:36
Speaker 1: so that will come later. It's not this one though,
0:39
Speaker 1: life update. Everything's fabulous. Life is great. Actually, what am
0:46
Speaker 1: I going to talk about in my life update? Not much,
0:49
Speaker 1: so let's get straight into it. Does this one have?
0:53
Speaker 1: Girl's good to work is the title. My blood was
0:57
Speaker 1: boiling reading this before, so let's hope it doesn't boil
0:59
Speaker 1: as much the second time. Hi, Alexis, thanks so much
1:02
Speaker 1: for all you do. Your podcast is such a great
1:04
Speaker 1: resource and gets me through the grind to work. Last year,
1:08
Speaker 1: my husband suffered an injury outside of work, which led
1:11
Speaker 1: to him being unemployed for the last five months. He
1:14
Speaker 1: was made redundant prior to this, so was unemployed at
1:17
Speaker 1: the time. Thankfully, I work in a role that allowed
1:20
Speaker 1: me to increase my hours to support our family. We
1:23
Speaker 1: have young children, two dogs and a mortgage. While I
1:27
Speaker 1: absolutely sympathize with my husband and what he has gone through,
1:30
Speaker 1: I feel immense pressure as the sole income earner and
1:33
Speaker 1: default parents. Even with our roles being reversed and him
1:37
Speaker 1: being the stay at home parent, I'm finding I'm still
1:39
Speaker 1: doing most of the household tasks, getting up with kids
1:43
Speaker 1: in the morning to get them ready for school, shopping, planning, etc.
1:47
Speaker 1: Just for context, I'm not being cunty. My husband is
1:49
Speaker 1: able to do these tasks with his injury and has
1:52
Speaker 1: been given the greenlight to return to work. He recently
1:55
Speaker 1: took on a small job, but quit it within days,
1:57
Speaker 1: citing an unreasonable, slash inflexible boss as the main reason.
2:02
Speaker 1: I have tried to gently suggest looking for further work,
2:05
Speaker 1: but he always blows up and states I'm putting pressure
2:08
Speaker 1: on him. I worry he has become very comfortable staying
2:11
Speaker 1: at home and now has no desire to return to work. Normally,
2:14
Speaker 1: I would soldier on, but we are struggling financially and
2:17
Speaker 1: the pressure is really starting to impact my mental health,
2:20
Speaker 1: and I worry that my stress is leaking out into
2:23
Speaker 1: my family life and impacting my kids. We've tried applying
2:26
Speaker 1: for government support but do not qualify and he did
2:30
Speaker 1: not have income protection. How do I approach my husband
2:33
Speaker 1: about this without him blowing up? He has a history
2:36
Speaker 1: of reading into things and any slight comment I make
2:39
Speaker 1: which has me cautious on how to approach on any
2:41
Speaker 1: slight comment I make which has me cautious on how
2:43
Speaker 1: to approach this, I worry he lacks respect for me
2:46
Speaker 1: and my insight. Slash opinions fall on, deaf ear is
2:49
Speaker 1: or worse are taken as an attack. Any help would
2:52
Speaker 1: be appreciated a tired working mum ps. You're twins are
2:55
Speaker 1: absolutely to die for. Thank you. Okay, there is so
2:58
Speaker 1: much that I have to say say to you. You say,
3:02
Speaker 1: I worry he lacks respect for you. He's absolutely disrespecting you,
3:05
Speaker 1: and he's disrespecting his family. He's disrespecting the whole family
3:09
Speaker 1: dynamic and himself. But that's his call. But he's disrespecting
3:12
Speaker 1: you and the kids. You then said, normally, I would
3:16
Speaker 1: soldier On, I hope you never do. Actually normally, solder On,
3:19
Speaker 1: it's a completely inappropriate setup that you've got, That you have,
3:25
Speaker 1: this dynamic that you have at home is completely unfair.
3:27
Speaker 1: He absolutely has gotten used to that life, and he
3:29
Speaker 1: absolutely does not want to return to work. The man
3:31
Speaker 1: is lazy and disrespectful. Okay, he got the green light
3:35
Speaker 1: to return to work, so he can definitely do parenting roles,
3:39
Speaker 1: take the mental load, get the groceries, all of that,
3:41
Speaker 1: but he's choosing not to. My question to you is what,
3:46
Speaker 1: what's like? What's the catch? Why do you like him?
3:49
Speaker 1: That's my question, like before I go into breaking this
3:51
Speaker 1: apart even further, like are you attracted to this man?
3:55
Speaker 1: Because I can't think of anything more unattractive than a
3:59
Speaker 1: fucking leech who is leeching off not just okay, like
4:03
Speaker 1: I'm not saying he's leeching off the money if he
4:05
Speaker 1: was doing the housework, but he's not doing the housework.
4:07
Speaker 1: So he's an absolute fucking leech in every sense of
4:10
Speaker 1: the word. He's not taking on the mental load, he's
4:13
Speaker 1: not doing any of the parenting stuff in the mornings.
4:15
Speaker 1: He's not doing anything. By the sounds of it, He's
4:18
Speaker 1: not lifting his weight at all. So what does he
4:21
Speaker 1: bring to the table? What do you benefit from by
4:25
Speaker 1: having him in your life as your husband? Is my question?
4:30
Speaker 1: So I really think that one through. Then you say
4:33
Speaker 1: that he says that you are putting pressure on him, Yes, cunt, Yes,
4:39
Speaker 1: I'm putting pressure on you. That's what happens when you
4:41
Speaker 1: have a family. That's what happens when you have responsibility.
4:44
Speaker 1: It's called pressure. So yes, I am putting pressure on you,
4:46
Speaker 1: you fucking moron. Like, how dumb and weak and feeble?
4:51
Speaker 1: Is this man that he have pressure? Then? Why do
4:55
Speaker 1: you have kids? Why'd you get married? Why did you
4:58
Speaker 1: get dogs? Why'd you get a mortgage? If you don't
5:00
Speaker 1: want pressure, That's what happens when you gain massive responsibilities
5:05
Speaker 1: in your life. It is pressure. And for him to
5:08
Speaker 1: turn it around like as if you've caused that pressure
5:11
Speaker 1: is unhinged. Okay, then you say, this man sounds like
5:17
Speaker 1: a caunt. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know he's your husband,
5:19
Speaker 1: but wow, I'm like, like, it's just an ick. He's
5:23
Speaker 1: a walking ick, a breathing walking ick. But here's your husband.
5:29
Speaker 1: So let's press on. You said, how do I approach
5:33
Speaker 1: my husband about this without him blowing up? Impossible? You're
5:36
Speaker 1: gonna have to expect him to blow up, and that's fine.
5:38
Speaker 1: Approach him regardless because his reaction shouldn't determine what you
5:43
Speaker 1: choose to communicate across or not. And this is a
5:46
Speaker 1: manipulation tactic. Like it's like how to manipulate your partner
5:52
Speaker 1: one oh one is make the reaction to what they're
5:56
Speaker 1: trying to do so unbearable that they don't want to
5:59
Speaker 1: do it again. It's kind of like performed in competence.
6:02
Speaker 1: You know when someone you know acts like they can't
6:05
Speaker 1: do something and they do it repeatedly that you're like, oh,
6:07
Speaker 1: for fox sake, I'll just do it myself. It's kind
6:10
Speaker 1: of in that same category. You try and raise something
6:13
Speaker 1: with him and it's got nothing true with what's being raised.
6:16
Speaker 1: He's like, you're blowing, You're this, you're that right, right,
6:19
Speaker 1: And then they make it so uncomfortable for you to
6:22
Speaker 1: ever raise anything to them that you're and it's working
6:27
Speaker 1: because then the final result is you thinking, oh, how
6:29
Speaker 1: do I approach this without him getting upset? How do
6:31
Speaker 1: I do this? How do I how? How? How? How? How?
6:33
Speaker 1: You're obviously withholding, you actually expressing how you feel withholding
6:38
Speaker 1: really approaching the problem because you're afraid of his reaction.
6:42
Speaker 1: That is him manipulating you. Okay, he's choosing to react
6:47
Speaker 1: in a way that makes you so uncomfortable, So that way,
6:50
Speaker 1: he doesn't have to deal with you questioning him staying
6:54
Speaker 1: at home or why he hasn't gotten a job, or
6:56
Speaker 1: why he's not pulling his weight at home. He's manipulating you.
7:00
Speaker 1: So not only is he lazy, but he's an asshole.
7:03
Speaker 1: Not only is he disrespecting you by not wanting to
7:06
Speaker 1: do these things, but he's undermining you. Like this guy,
7:09
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, what is his problem? You know you said
7:14
Speaker 1: he's got a history of reading into things and any
7:17
Speaker 1: slight comment I make which has me cautious on how
7:21
Speaker 1: to approach this. Don't be cautious. You need to sit
7:25
Speaker 1: him down and say, you know what, I'm done caring
7:27
Speaker 1: about how you choose to react. What I'm going to
7:29
Speaker 1: communicate across to you has to be community communicated across.
7:33
Speaker 1: Just because you're a weak infant, it's not my problem.
7:38
Speaker 1: So if you can't handle this conversation like an adult,
7:42
Speaker 1: go have a tantrum in the bedroom. Do what you
7:44
Speaker 1: need to do. But I'm going to tell you what
7:46
Speaker 1: needs to be said. So sit the fuck down and
7:48
Speaker 1: listen to what I have to say. This is not
7:50
Speaker 1: a marriage if you're not going to pull your weight
7:52
Speaker 1: emotionally as a parent or financially, and you do the
7:58
Speaker 1: fucking math mate, on what that's going to look like
8:00
Speaker 1: If you keep behaving the way you're behaving. Look, what
8:03
Speaker 1: does he think he's going to get out of this?
8:05
Speaker 1: And your question to you is, if he chooses not
8:08
Speaker 1: to change, do you want to pull this dead weight
8:11
Speaker 1: along with you for the rest of your life? Like
8:12
Speaker 1: what do you want? What is best case scenario outcome?
8:16
Speaker 1: And what is the worst case scenario outcome? And you've
8:20
Speaker 1: got to think how would I deal with both of
8:22
Speaker 1: those things? So I'm not saying you need to threaten
8:26
Speaker 1: him with leaving him or anything like that, but you've
8:28
Speaker 1: got to say, mate, what do you actually think is
8:30
Speaker 1: going to happen if we can't afford, if we are
8:33
Speaker 1: stressed financially, if we are hating each other because we're
8:37
Speaker 1: so stressed, If you never pull your weight, what do
8:41
Speaker 1: you actually think he's going to be the end result?
8:44
Speaker 1: And if you're going to start blowing up every time
8:46
Speaker 1: I bring this up, do it in your own time
8:48
Speaker 1: and then come and answer the question. But I'm waiting
8:51
Speaker 1: for your actual adult, mature response, like you are done
8:56
Speaker 1: being threatened with how he reacts every time you bring
8:59
Speaker 1: something up, don't bite the bait, don't fall for the trap.
9:04
Speaker 1: You need to go in prep yourself mentally and say
9:08
Speaker 1: I'm going to be strong in this and I'm going
9:12
Speaker 1: to just not back down when he has like an
9:16
Speaker 1: adult version of a tantrum when I try and bring
9:18
Speaker 1: something up that's actually important. He also needs to be
9:21
Speaker 1: aware that he is an adult, Like this probably blows
9:27
Speaker 1: his mind, but he's a fucking adult. Also, is he
9:30
Speaker 1: a mummy's boy? Like what's his relationship with his mother? Like?
9:33
Speaker 1: What's going on here? Has he had had things done
9:36
Speaker 1: for him his whole life? Like, I don't understand anyway.
9:38
Speaker 1: It's just so gross it makes me sick. So I
9:42
Speaker 1: would absolutely bring it up. I would not let him
9:44
Speaker 1: threaten you with how he reacts because he's trying to
9:46
Speaker 1: manipulate you. He is al, he's controlling, he's controlling the
9:49
Speaker 1: whole situation, and it's working for him. That's the problem.
9:51
Speaker 1: You've got to set it up in a way that
9:52
Speaker 1: it no longer works for him, And how you choose
9:54
Speaker 1: to do that is totally up to you. I'm not
9:55
Speaker 1: saying you have to leave him, but I'm also saying,
9:57
Speaker 1: why what is the old Like what is going to
10:02
Speaker 1: be the best outcome and the worst outcome, trust me,
10:05
Speaker 1: is not you not being with him, because you would
10:07
Speaker 1: actually probably be able to get more support if you
10:11
Speaker 1: weren't with him, which is wild anyway, that's my opinion,
10:17
Speaker 1: just gross behavior. Next, Hi, alexis long, long time listening here.
10:23
Speaker 1: You've basically gotten me through my twenties, and I'm so grateful.
10:26
Speaker 1: I'm twenty six now. I love that. So you've literally
10:29
Speaker 1: been listening since probably yeah, you were twenty. In my
10:32
Speaker 1: early twenties, I went through a breakup. This actually isn't
10:35
Speaker 1: about the breakup itself. I'm very much over it, but
10:38
Speaker 1: it was the catalyst for everything that came after. I
10:40
Speaker 1: was heartbroken, so I decided to travel. Somehow life lined
10:43
Speaker 1: up with the seasonal job that allowed me to see
10:45
Speaker 1: the world, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I
10:48
Speaker 1: visited incredible places, met amazing people, and had experiences I'll
10:52
Speaker 1: carry with me forever. By my mid twenties, I started
10:55
Speaker 1: getting home six, so I moved back to my small hometown.
10:58
Speaker 1: I went back to the job I had before us
11:00
Speaker 1: of traveling. It's a pretty niche career that's not very
11:02
Speaker 1: transferable to another state. But I genuinely love it. I
11:06
Speaker 1: live close to my family, I love my apartment, and
11:08
Speaker 1: all seems well. The problem is that after years of
11:12
Speaker 1: constantly experiencing something new, life suddenly felt quiet, almost boring.
11:17
Speaker 1: I also started feeling this pressure, even though I know
11:21
Speaker 1: I know it was mostly in my own head that
11:24
Speaker 1: people looked at me and thought that's it. She came home,
11:27
Speaker 1: or I just felt like I wasn't doing enough personally,
11:29
Speaker 1: so I convinced myself that I needed a big girl job.
11:32
Speaker 1: I accepted a new position that required travel, thinking it
11:35
Speaker 1: would scratch that itch. Very quickly, I realized I absolutely
11:38
Speaker 1: hated it, so I quit, and honestly, I don't regret it.
11:41
Speaker 1: Even though it was a short experience, it taught me
11:43
Speaker 1: exactly what I don't want. It also taught me that
11:47
Speaker 1: I don't really care what people think. It also taught
11:55
Speaker 1: me I don't really care what people think. It's my
11:57
Speaker 1: life now. I'm right back where I started, living in
12:00
Speaker 1: my hometown, working the job I truly adore. It's a
12:03
Speaker 1: simple life. It's calm, it's peaceful, but I'm struggling with loneliness.
12:08
Speaker 1: Traveling gave me friends all over the world, but it's
12:10
Speaker 1: hard to maintain those friendships from a farm. I've also
12:13
Speaker 1: outgrown a lot of the friendships I had growing up.
12:15
Speaker 1: I've wonderful co workers, but they're still work friends. I
12:18
Speaker 1: just feel like I don't have my people anymore. Romantically,
12:21
Speaker 1: I'm struggling too. I genuinely love where I live. I
12:24
Speaker 1: don't want to leave, but everyone here is either much
12:27
Speaker 1: younger than me or much older than me. It's a
12:29
Speaker 1: very suburban area, and there just aren't many opportunities to
12:32
Speaker 1: meet people. I'm not really into going out to bars.
12:35
Speaker 1: I work out, I eat healthy, I cook, I go
12:37
Speaker 1: for walks and runs, I do workout classes. I genuinely
12:40
Speaker 1: enjoy my everyday life. The dating apps have been awful,
12:44
Speaker 1: and if you know where I lived, you probably wouldn't
12:46
Speaker 1: suggest joining a run club or some social hobby group
12:49
Speaker 1: because they basically don't exist here. That's what's making me
12:52
Speaker 1: feel stuck. I don't want to uproot my entire life
12:55
Speaker 1: again just because I'm struggling Romantically. I love my job,
12:58
Speaker 1: I love my apartment, I love my studio. I love
13:01
Speaker 1: being close to my family. But there's this fear creeping
13:04
Speaker 1: in that if I don't make another huge change, I'm
13:06
Speaker 1: never going to meet someone. I know that's not the
13:08
Speaker 1: healthiest mindset, and I'm actively trying to stay positive and
13:11
Speaker 1: find contentment in the life I've built. It honestly feels
13:14
Speaker 1: like I have an angel on one shoulder and a
13:16
Speaker 1: devil on the other. One side of me says, relax,
13:18
Speaker 1: everything's going to work out. The other side is starting
13:20
Speaker 1: to panic and wonder if I'm running out of time
13:22
Speaker 1: or making the wrong choice by staying. Please let me
13:25
Speaker 1: know if you have any advice. I know everything has
13:28
Speaker 1: to do with mindset. I swear I'm not a miserable person,
13:30
Speaker 1: but sometimes I just want a hug, lull and thanks
13:32
Speaker 1: for always being honest and true, love your pod. Okay,
13:35
Speaker 1: this is a really good question. It's a really good question. Also,
13:38
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of people might find themselves
13:39
Speaker 1: in a similar position to you, where they understand that
13:44
Speaker 1: they do love the adventure this night, but ultimately they're
13:47
Speaker 1: really satisfied and comfortable living more of a quiet, more
13:50
Speaker 1: peaceful life in their hometown, close to their family. I
13:54
Speaker 1: guess you're kind of torn because, based on what you've
13:59
Speaker 1: told me in this message, there are zero dating prospects.
14:03
Speaker 1: You've literally exhausted them there's either too old or too young.
14:07
Speaker 1: There's nowhere where you can meet people. You really don't
14:09
Speaker 1: like going out clubbing, and therefore you probably shouldn't if
14:12
Speaker 1: it's something that you actually don't want to do, because
14:14
Speaker 1: I don't recommend that either, and the dating apps are
14:17
Speaker 1: just woeful. Okay, So if that is the case, if
14:24
Speaker 1: it is true that you have pretty much exhausted ninety
14:27
Speaker 1: nine point nine percent of things in the dating scene,
14:29
Speaker 1: I can't really advise you on how to find a
14:31
Speaker 1: partner in your hometown. It's really nothing that I can't
14:34
Speaker 1: help you there, and no one can. If it's literally
14:37
Speaker 1: as you say it is, then you've got to ask
14:40
Speaker 1: yourself the next question. If nothing was to change in
14:44
Speaker 1: my dating life ever, would I still be happy living here?
14:48
Speaker 1: Is my happiness ultimately long term? Hinging on the fact
14:53
Speaker 1: that I want a partner. For most people, it is
14:55
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that is a bad thing. I would
14:56
Speaker 1: say for most people, it's like, yes, ultimately I would
14:59
Speaker 1: like to find my life pun I thank you very much. So,
15:01
Speaker 1: but that's a question you need to ask yourself because
15:03
Speaker 1: some people are like no, no, Ultimately, I think that
15:04
Speaker 1: if I had a really nice whatever I could, you know,
15:09
Speaker 1: not have a partner. I don't know. It depends how
15:11
Speaker 1: you feel about it. I feel like it's really important
15:13
Speaker 1: to you to find a partner. So my next thing
15:17
Speaker 1: would be, in order for you to relax, what would
15:21
Speaker 1: it take for you to actually be able to relax
15:23
Speaker 1: and see that it could work out. I like to
15:26
Speaker 1: set a bit of a time like time frame, And
15:31
Speaker 1: for me, when I set timeframes on things, when you're
15:35
Speaker 1: trying to wait for something to happen, not not talking
15:37
Speaker 1: about a goal, because that's different. When you're time frame things,
15:41
Speaker 1: to me work really well when you're talking about something
15:43
Speaker 1: that you have no control over, the love of your
15:46
Speaker 1: life entering your life. There's only so many things you
15:49
Speaker 1: can do that within your control, Okay, especially if you're
15:51
Speaker 1: choosing to stay in your hometown. So what you can
15:55
Speaker 1: control is how long you're going to stay here. So
15:58
Speaker 1: let's say you choose to side with the angel on
16:00
Speaker 1: your shoulder that says, relax, everything's going to work out.
16:03
Speaker 1: How long are you going to give this angel on
16:06
Speaker 1: your shoulder for everything to work out? So if I
16:08
Speaker 1: were you, I would say, Okay, you know what you've
16:10
Speaker 1: got one year? Hypothetically you do the timeframe one year,
16:15
Speaker 1: and in that year, every time I have thoughts about
16:17
Speaker 1: leaving this, now, I'm going to redirect to my commitment
16:20
Speaker 1: of the year. I'm going to do everything in my
16:22
Speaker 1: power to really just enjoy the life. And the thing is,
16:25
Speaker 1: you already love where you live, you love your job,
16:27
Speaker 1: you love this, you love your family get up, so
16:29
Speaker 1: there's a lot that you love there. I would also
16:31
Speaker 1: encourage you to try and bring those friendships from work
16:34
Speaker 1: outside of the workplace, because if there's nowhere else where
16:36
Speaker 1: you can make friends and you really enjoy your colleagues,
16:38
Speaker 1: I would really try and lean into that and turn
16:41
Speaker 1: them into friends outside of work because you love them,
16:43
Speaker 1: you love your class. So there's so much good that's
16:46
Speaker 1: going on. So I'd give myself a good fucking year.
16:49
Speaker 1: I'd lean in so hard for that year. I would
16:51
Speaker 1: be the happiest version of myself. I would do things
16:54
Speaker 1: that I fucking love. The person that I would show
16:56
Speaker 1: up as when I interact with anybody else is the
16:59
Speaker 1: happiest version of myself. If I don't find a partner
17:02
Speaker 1: just being the happiest version version of myself here after
17:06
Speaker 1: a year, then I need to look at other options.
17:10
Speaker 1: So That's when I would then recommend if finding a
17:13
Speaker 1: partner is absolutely crucial for you, and good on you
17:18
Speaker 1: for that, then I would suggest leaving the hometown because
17:23
Speaker 1: I can't stand here and say no, no, no, just
17:26
Speaker 1: you know, keep trying on the apps and keep doing that.
17:28
Speaker 1: I don't like people feeling like they have to do
17:31
Speaker 1: something that goes completely again, like you hate being on
17:33
Speaker 1: the apps and you hate this, then there's no social
17:35
Speaker 1: run club in that, and you're like, where do I
17:37
Speaker 1: find people? There's certain things that we just can't control
17:40
Speaker 1: in our life, and this is going to be one
17:41
Speaker 1: of them. So you just have to look at practically
17:44
Speaker 1: what can I control. I know you don't want to
17:45
Speaker 1: leave your hometown, but if you were never to find
17:48
Speaker 1: a partner, look at it. Look at it from the
17:50
Speaker 1: other perspective. If you were to never find a partner
17:53
Speaker 1: and it was ten years down the line, would you
17:55
Speaker 1: look back and say I fucking should have left my
17:57
Speaker 1: hometown or would you look back and say, nope, you
17:59
Speaker 1: know what, I'm glad I never left because even though
18:02
Speaker 1: I've been single the whole time, it's been a good life.
18:05
Speaker 1: What do you think you would say from that perspective?
18:07
Speaker 1: Looking down the barrel of ten years. If you had
18:09
Speaker 1: never found a partner and then you've got to, then
18:12
Speaker 1: you make the call because you can't. I think that
18:14
Speaker 1: you can have everything in life, but not always at
18:16
Speaker 1: the same time. You can't have it all at the
18:19
Speaker 1: same time, so sometimes it's going to require you maybe
18:22
Speaker 1: leaving to find that partner. And then the question is,
18:24
Speaker 1: if I found my partner outside of my hometown, WOULDAVA
18:27
Speaker 1: want to move to my hometown? Would I permanently have
18:29
Speaker 1: to leave my hometown? And that's it. So there's a
18:32
Speaker 1: lot that is hinging on that. But yeah, unfortunately, sometimes
18:37
Speaker 1: you just don't live in the city or town where
18:40
Speaker 1: your soulmate lives or where your future multiple soul mats
18:43
Speaker 1: are going to live. So yeah, it is a hard one.
18:46
Speaker 1: But the timeframe one is what I would give personally.
18:48
Speaker 1: I would do that. I would do a timeframe and
18:50
Speaker 1: then if nothing changed and if I was like, nah,
18:53
Speaker 1: that I really need to find a partner because it's
18:56
Speaker 1: important to me to have that person to do life
18:58
Speaker 1: with it, I would get the fuck out of there
18:59
Speaker 1: and try living somewhere else. Since Okay, next question, Hi
19:07
Speaker 1: alexis I'm twenty four years old. Listening from the US,
19:10
Speaker 1: and I'm struggling to figure out if I'm in the
19:12
Speaker 1: wrong career or if this is just what being in
19:15
Speaker 1: your twenties feels like. I graduated university at twenty with
19:18
Speaker 1: a journalism degree and worked in news for several years.
19:21
Speaker 1: I loved helping people and telling their stories, but the
19:24
Speaker 1: job brought me a lot of anxiety and the pay
19:26
Speaker 1: wasn't great. When my contract ended, I moved into marketing.
19:29
Speaker 1: Since then, I've had a few jobs, and each one
19:31
Speaker 1: has had its own issues, positions being eliminated, poor communication
19:35
Speaker 1: from management, or work that didn't feel meaningful. I'm currently
19:38
Speaker 1: in a marketing role that helps people, which matters to me,
19:40
Speaker 1: but I'm still not fully satisfied. Part of me wants
19:43
Speaker 1: to go back to journalism because it felt purposeful. Another
19:46
Speaker 1: part remembers how stressed I was and knows it may
19:48
Speaker 1: not be the right answer. I also struggle to advocate
19:51
Speaker 1: for myself at work, and often leave conversations with managers
19:54
Speaker 1: feeling unheard. How do you know if you're genuinely in
19:56
Speaker 1: the wrong career or if you're just expecting too much
20:00
Speaker 1: from work and experiencing the normal uncertainty of your twenties.
20:03
Speaker 1: Thank you, I confused, twenty four year old trying to
20:05
Speaker 1: figure it out. Great question. I think many listeners could
20:10
Speaker 1: relate to something like that. I think I like the
20:14
Speaker 1: fact that you were able to kind of look at
20:16
Speaker 1: your position and say, I don't like the fact that
20:20
Speaker 1: I don't get paid enough and that I'm struggling with
20:23
Speaker 1: a lot of anxiety directly due to the work that
20:26
Speaker 1: I do or due to the job that I have,
20:28
Speaker 1: Like it's actually causing me anxiety. And then you did
20:31
Speaker 1: something about it, So that's great. So you left, and
20:34
Speaker 1: then you've tried marketing, but it just seems like it's
20:40
Speaker 1: not hitting it's not really scratching that inch of yours either.
20:44
Speaker 1: So now your options are, do I lean more into marketing?
20:48
Speaker 1: Do I get more of a backbone? Do I try
20:50
Speaker 1: and like because you said not that you don't have
20:52
Speaker 1: a backbone, but you said you struggle to advocate for yourself.
20:54
Speaker 1: So if it's like, do I get do I learn
20:56
Speaker 1: on how to really advocate for myself? Do I stick
20:59
Speaker 1: it out? But I feel like marketing for you also
21:02
Speaker 1: might not be that thing because you're not getting that
21:05
Speaker 1: purposeful side of things. My recommendation to you is that firstly,
21:12
Speaker 1: this is very common in your twenty is to feel
21:13
Speaker 1: this way very common. It's also very common that when
21:16
Speaker 1: you're in your twenties you do kind of get pushed
21:18
Speaker 1: around a lot in jobs. Unfortunately, depending on the management,
21:22
Speaker 1: there's you kind of get sometimes rightfully so and oftentimes
21:29
Speaker 1: not rightfully so. Where kind of young adults in the
21:33
Speaker 1: workforce kind of get pushed around a lot. And even
21:37
Speaker 1: if you're a really good, solid, hard worker, I think
21:39
Speaker 1: sometimes you get burnt a bit with some bad experiences
21:42
Speaker 1: where you're unheard, you're not listened, you're not you know,
21:44
Speaker 1: they don't help you out. And I'm not saying that's
21:46
Speaker 1: across the bold because there's also people in their twenty
21:48
Speaker 1: self lazy cants and don't do their job. So like
21:50
Speaker 1: it goes borthways, but I feel like you are a
21:52
Speaker 1: hard worker, and I feel like you you know, you say,
21:55
Speaker 1: I have this conversation with the managers, feeling unheard, You're
21:57
Speaker 1: obviously trying, You're trying to communicate. So another alternative for
22:02
Speaker 1: you would be to think, look, I'm in my twenties,
22:06
Speaker 1: it's early days career wise. When you look down the
22:08
Speaker 1: lens of the rest of your life. It's very early
22:10
Speaker 1: days career wise. You got to ask yourself, why did
22:13
Speaker 1: you move into marketing? What got you into marketing specifically?
22:18
Speaker 1: Is there another industry that you could try out because
22:21
Speaker 1: marketing wasn't it? Journalism you loved, but you were really stressed,
22:25
Speaker 1: You were anxious, and the money is shit. So you
22:28
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, if I returned to journalism, why
22:31
Speaker 1: would I like? What would change this time round? Because
22:34
Speaker 1: it might change. Is there a different kind of journalism
22:37
Speaker 1: I could get into where the stress levels maybe wouldn't
22:39
Speaker 1: be as high as the journalism that I was in
22:41
Speaker 1: back then? Is it? So there's all these different things
22:43
Speaker 1: you got to ask yourself, or is there a third possibility,
22:47
Speaker 1: a third career choice that I'm yet to try, that
22:49
Speaker 1: could tie in my love for journalism or something similar
22:52
Speaker 1: that could feel really purposeful and that maybe my anxiety
22:56
Speaker 1: levels aren't as high and the pay hopefully is a
22:59
Speaker 1: bit higher at the very least it's matching the pay
23:01
Speaker 1: that I've been on so far. So this really is
23:05
Speaker 1: your time to experiment. I look at your twenties as
23:10
Speaker 1: purposeful trial and error. Your twenties are the decade where
23:15
Speaker 1: if you found what you love perfect. Just keep doing
23:17
Speaker 1: what you're doing, obviously, but if you're still not one
23:19
Speaker 1: hundred percent sure, and you're only in your mid twenties,
23:23
Speaker 1: but you're twenty four, which is brilliant, right, there is
23:27
Speaker 1: so much left uncovered, There's so much more to discover,
23:32
Speaker 1: so much more to explore. You're already having these niggling
23:35
Speaker 1: feelings about these two career choices that you've tried. Perfect
23:39
Speaker 1: opportunity to try more different things. Perfect opportunity to start
23:43
Speaker 1: really asking yourself the questions of, like, what else could
23:45
Speaker 1: I be doing? What else could I be trying or
23:46
Speaker 1: getting into? Could I do like an interim job here,
23:51
Speaker 1: just to see if I enjoy this industry or this
23:54
Speaker 1: or that. This is the time, this is your time.
23:58
Speaker 1: And when I talk about purposeful trial and error, it's
24:01
Speaker 1: trial and error that's going to get me answers for
24:03
Speaker 1: my life. It's not our fucking this work at this
24:05
Speaker 1: shit kicker job here, and then this fucking thing here
24:08
Speaker 1: and a fucking and then I never did anything. No,
24:10
Speaker 1: I'm talking about I'm starting to get answers. I'm starting
24:13
Speaker 1: to figure out what I like about this industry, what
24:14
Speaker 1: I don't like. Now I'm going to try here, What
24:16
Speaker 1: can I learn here? What can I okay? And then
24:19
Speaker 1: you start to fine tune your skill set, how you communicate,
24:22
Speaker 1: how adaptable you are, how quickly you learn. You start
24:25
Speaker 1: to learn what parts of the industry you do like
24:26
Speaker 1: and don't like. My recommendation for you is actually, try
24:30
Speaker 1: yet another thing. And then you'll have a really nice
24:33
Speaker 1: perspective to look back and say, right, I've tried yet
24:36
Speaker 1: again something else. Now I'm able to decide which path
24:41
Speaker 1: I truly want to go down, or if I want
24:42
Speaker 1: to return to an older path, or if this has
24:44
Speaker 1: led me in a brand new direction that I never
24:45
Speaker 1: thought it would lead me to. You'll be so surprised
24:48
Speaker 1: at how intentional action and trying new things can open
24:54
Speaker 1: doors and introduce you to industries and jobs and people
24:57
Speaker 1: that you never imagined be a possibility for you. There
25:01
Speaker 1: could be the dream job for you that's one year
25:05
Speaker 1: down the line, two years down the line, that you
25:06
Speaker 1: don't even think off yet. So like with me and podcasting,
25:13
Speaker 1: that's something I never thought off as being a job
25:16
Speaker 1: possibility for me, and then it kind of just fell
25:18
Speaker 1: into it because I had returned to UNI, and I
25:20
Speaker 1: had done this and that, done this and chop change,
25:22
Speaker 1: chop change, and then I ended up in this industry.
25:24
Speaker 1: But that's only because of all that intentional trial and
25:26
Speaker 1: error that I did prior. So I would encourage you
25:29
Speaker 1: to keep going into your trial and error era off
25:31
Speaker 1: your twenties. This is the time. This is the fucking time.
25:34
Speaker 1: So yeah, good on you for knowing when to pull away.
25:38
Speaker 1: Knowing when to quit is a skill, and you already
25:40
Speaker 1: have that skill, so I recommend you just keep going.
25:44
Speaker 1: Last question, Hi, alexis og being here a huge fan
25:48
Speaker 1: of the podcast. Keep dishing out that good advice and
25:51
Speaker 1: making us laugh with your cuss filled rants and tangents.
25:54
Speaker 1: I have a situation and i'd love your advice. This
25:57
Speaker 1: feels like something I can't just bring to my friends
25:59
Speaker 1: because they'll be by. So I match with this guy
26:01
Speaker 1: on Hinge and we went on a date and had
26:03
Speaker 1: an amazing time. We've since been on ten dates, three sleepovers,
26:07
Speaker 1: and he's met some of my friends. It hasn't been
26:09
Speaker 1: a really long time, but the feels are feeling. We
26:12
Speaker 1: really enjoy each other, and I know it's mutual because
26:14
Speaker 1: we've talked about it a lot. And the reason we've
26:17
Speaker 1: been so open and transparent is the reason for this question.
26:21
Speaker 1: He is six months out of a thirteen year relationship.
26:25
Speaker 1: He says they were on their way out for at
26:26
Speaker 1: least a year before the split, so let's just say
26:29
Speaker 1: it's been a year and a half. That is just
26:31
Speaker 1: so tough because he needs to go find himself, his
26:34
Speaker 1: single self, his sluty self, is independent self, his lonely self.
26:38
Speaker 1: It's important, especially after giving that much of your life
26:41
Speaker 1: to one person. But we're just clicking so hard and
26:44
Speaker 1: it's tough to not go all in. We've discussed and
26:47
Speaker 1: neither of us wants to pull away because we're enjoying
26:49
Speaker 1: this so much, but we also understand that we're not
26:52
Speaker 1: ready to go all in. I guess my question is
26:54
Speaker 1: what advice do you have? Paradigm shift, advice, tough love,
26:57
Speaker 1: I don't know, help, Okay, I look, obviously there's I'm
27:05
Speaker 1: gonna give you two alternatives, but one option that I'm
27:08
Speaker 1: gonna say is don't keep doing what you're doing. You're saying, oh,
27:12
Speaker 1: we should give time, we should have time off, but
27:14
Speaker 1: let's just keep staying we shouldn't it because you're gonna
27:17
Speaker 1: get hurt. You will be burnt if you are like no, no, no,
27:21
Speaker 1: we're not gonna actually be together because you need to
27:23
Speaker 1: find yourself. And no, if you keep saying you've got
27:26
Speaker 1: to find yourself, you and he's saying, yeah, no, I
27:28
Speaker 1: do need to find myself and you've got and yeah yeah,
27:30
Speaker 1: and his head and yours as well, but his head
27:34
Speaker 1: is going to be like, well, I'm not fully committing
27:35
Speaker 1: to this, and then I'm gonna commit halfway and then
27:38
Speaker 1: maybe I will go and do that thing. And she's
27:39
Speaker 1: saying that it's okay for me to just go and
27:41
Speaker 1: do that thing, and she seems like she's not putting
27:43
Speaker 1: a definitive timeline on it. So I'm quite comfortable here,
27:46
Speaker 1: and then maybe in six months I'm gonna book a
27:48
Speaker 1: trip and go over seats. Not saying that he doesn't care.
27:49
Speaker 1: I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but if you constantly
27:52
Speaker 1: are pushing it and he's agreeing, then it could get
27:56
Speaker 1: to you. Wait for too long, you fall, wait hard,
28:00
Speaker 1: and then he finally says, you know what, I didn't
28:02
Speaker 1: find myself. I do actually need to go and find myself.
28:05
Speaker 1: You are then absolutely invested and heartbroken. So if you
28:11
Speaker 1: decide that this is actually what he needs to do,
28:14
Speaker 1: you need to pull the pin on this, because you're
28:17
Speaker 1: going to get burnt very badly. So better now than
28:21
Speaker 1: three months down the line or six months down the
28:23
Speaker 1: line when you finally make the decision that this is
28:25
Speaker 1: what he needs to to defind himself. The next question
28:29
Speaker 1: is does he have to if he wants to be
28:33
Speaker 1: in a relationship with you. There are many ways that
28:35
Speaker 1: you can find yourself while still being in a healthy relationship.
28:39
Speaker 1: It also depends on I also do believe that it
28:43
Speaker 1: depends on the his emotional state after leaving that relationship.
28:47
Speaker 1: If that relationship that he was in had just run
28:50
Speaker 1: its course and he was emotionally stable when he left
28:55
Speaker 1: that relationship, I actually don't think it's the worst thing
28:58
Speaker 1: in the world to Sometimes people go from a long
29:03
Speaker 1: time relationship into another one and it ends up being
29:05
Speaker 1: a great success. They navigate that transition well. In an
29:08
Speaker 1: ideal world, Do I think it's healthy for people to
29:10
Speaker 1: be single in between. Absolutely. I think in an ideal world, yes,
29:13
Speaker 1: it'd be nice to have that time in between, just
29:15
Speaker 1: to just to find yourself and be single and be
29:17
Speaker 1: super you know, alone and independent and fun. But sometimes
29:22
Speaker 1: it just doesn't happen, and the timing of finding your
29:25
Speaker 1: person happens way sooner than you anticipated, where you're gonna
29:28
Speaker 1: throw away this person and this connection because you need
29:33
Speaker 1: to find yourself when there are aspects of always being
29:35
Speaker 1: able to find yourself when you are in a relationship,
29:37
Speaker 1: you can still do many things to quote unquote find
29:39
Speaker 1: yourself when in a healthy relationship. If the relationship that
29:44
Speaker 1: he was in was super unhealthy, super catastrophic, super toxic,
29:49
Speaker 1: then maybe it is a good idea to be alone
29:51
Speaker 1: for a little bit to find that emotional stability again
29:53
Speaker 1: to be able to heal. But the healing seems to
29:57
Speaker 1: have already occurred. I don't reckon men that people jump
30:01
Speaker 1: into a sect a relationship straight after one if you
30:03
Speaker 1: haven't healed, because then you're using that other person as
30:07
Speaker 1: a band aid. But it seems that he's healed. You
30:09
Speaker 1: said that he was on its way out a year
30:11
Speaker 1: before it even like it had fully run its course,
30:13
Speaker 1: And so given that, I don't think that he's using
30:17
Speaker 1: you as a band aid. So I actually don't think
30:20
Speaker 1: it's the worst thing in the world to go from
30:22
Speaker 1: a really long relationship have a few months off. But
30:25
Speaker 1: if you're like over that person to then enter another relationship,
30:28
Speaker 1: so really, it's actually up to him. You're saying you
30:32
Speaker 1: need to do this, you need I'd stop saying that.
30:33
Speaker 1: I would stop saying that. I would just say, look,
30:36
Speaker 1: if you feel like you need some healing to do,
30:38
Speaker 1: if you feel like you need this, then you need
30:41
Speaker 1: to call it and we need to walk away from
30:44
Speaker 1: each other, as hard as it's going to be. But
30:47
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be in this limbo. And you,
30:50
Speaker 1: if he's a good guy, he doesn't want to put
30:53
Speaker 1: you in this limbo either. It's just going to be
30:54
Speaker 1: really hard. Because you said you're really enjoying each other's company,
30:57
Speaker 1: neither if you wants to pull away because you're enjoying
30:59
Speaker 1: it so much, is what you said. But we also
31:02
Speaker 1: understand that wh're not ready to go all in. So
31:04
Speaker 1: if you really understand you're not ready to go all in,
31:07
Speaker 1: you need to pull the pin all together. Don't message,
31:10
Speaker 1: don't comment on each other's nothing, just nothing, give yourself
31:15
Speaker 1: three months of no contact unless you obviously see each
31:19
Speaker 1: other down the street and you obviously hi, how are
31:21
Speaker 1: you whatever, but not don't like just checking in how what? No? No,
31:26
Speaker 1: because you're trying to Actually the point of having time
31:29
Speaker 1: apart is to actually go and explore and do this
31:33
Speaker 1: and do that and find himself so there can't be
31:35
Speaker 1: this back and forth. And then after three months you
31:37
Speaker 1: can like mutually agree, you can decide to meet up
31:40
Speaker 1: and touch base andcy where you're at emotionally and if
31:43
Speaker 1: you still like each other and if you still want that.
31:46
Speaker 1: But if you're always there available, being like, hey, hi,
31:48
Speaker 1: so im here ah you need to go find then
31:51
Speaker 1: he will maybe start to take for granted that you
31:55
Speaker 1: can't have both at the same time. So if I
31:58
Speaker 1: were you, I would tell him everything I've just told you,
32:02
Speaker 1: and I would then pull the pin as hard as
32:04
Speaker 1: it is, because if you feel that that's what you
32:07
Speaker 1: have to do, then you waiting around and fucking around here,
32:10
Speaker 1: You're just going to invest so hard and so much
32:12
Speaker 1: and it's going to be very painful laiter down the line. Anyway,
32:17
Speaker 1: that is the episode of today. Hopefully you enjoyed those
32:20
Speaker 1: questions and hopefully you were able to get something out
32:22
Speaker 1: of it and apply it to your life if you're
32:24
Speaker 1: going through something similar or if something struck a chord.
32:27
Speaker 1: So as always with my listener questions, if you want
32:29
Speaker 1: to send in an email, just email info at dyfmpod
32:32
Speaker 1: dot com and if you want to send in a
32:34
Speaker 1: voice note, you can go onto the website www dot
32:37
Speaker 1: dfmpod dot com and you can submit your voice note
32:40
Speaker 1: question there. That is all for today, Thank you so much,
32:44
Speaker 1: and as always remember becind to yourself. You can't to
32:46
Speaker 1: your brain, don't take it from anyone, and especially don't
32:49
Speaker 1: text shit from yourself. Don't it