Latest / Beyond the Arc: Reflections on Resilience, Identity, & Life Podcast / The Heart Heals When We Stop Resisting

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The Heart Heals When We Stop Resisting · Beyond the Arc: Reflections on Resilience, Identity, & Life Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Beyond the Arc, I'm Amy Gamble.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most important lessons in life arrive when we least expect them.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This morning while working on my Amazon listing for my latest book,
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Driving My Way Through Grief,
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I found myself reflecting on something I've learned through loss,
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: healing, and the courage to begin again.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: How often do we hold ourselves back because we're afraid,
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: because we're hurting, or because we're waiting for everything to be just right?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: What if healing begins when we stop fighting so hard against what we're feeling?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Today's essay is called, The Heart Heals When We Stop Resisting.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: As the sun's rays shine through my kitchen window,
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm reminded of something I learned on my very long journey of healing and recovery.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: The heart heals when we stop resisting.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It came to me this morning as an aha moment while I was creating content
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: from my Amazon listing for driving my way through grief.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an independently published author, which is also a code word for DIY, do it yourself.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: DIY is awesome when you're doing the things you love,
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: but when it comes to publishing a book, there are so many facets involved.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: To tell you the truth, writing is the easiest part for me.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I absolutely love stringing words together, as my mom's friend Jack used to say.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's so much fun to see your thoughts come alive on a page.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: The sentences might not be perfect prose, The narrative pacing may be too fast.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: The sequencing in an essay collection might need another look.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: The scenes may need more showing and less telling,
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: but at the end of the day, it's not perfection that matters.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this has been an important lesson for me.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So many people will become paralyzed by perfection that their contributions never get seen.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a shame because there are brilliant writers out there,
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: along with people who have tremendous value to add to the world,
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: who never put their work out there.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's scary to be vulnerable,
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: at least at first, and it's not trite to say the first step is often the hardest.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's why an essay I wrote about a sticky note I created nearly
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: a year ago keeps resonating so loudly with me this morning.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Two simple words, just try.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'll share something with you.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to create videos, do podcasting, write books, and stand on stages again.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I was afraid.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was limiting myself because I kept thinking,
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: when I lose 40 pounds, then I'll feel comfortable speaking on stages again.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I build up my subscribers, then I'll feel better about spending all this time writing.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: When I get to fill in the blank.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes in life, the arrival of when I get to never comes.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: We can keep trying, seeking knowledge, and improving our skills.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: But life doesn't fit into a nice, neat, perfect box.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not linear.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: As humans, we don't fit particularly well into geometric equations of if this, then that.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I've come to understand something else.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the very things we're resisting are the things that can help us grow.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: We resist vulnerability because we're afraid of being judged.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: We resist trying something new because we're afraid of failing.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: We resist putting ourselves into the world because we don't believe we're quite ready.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes without even realizing it, we resist our own possibilities.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Last October, I set an intention to dip my toe in the water and create some content.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was shocked by how well it was received.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: But it did something interesting for me.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped looking at metrics so obsessively.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped criticizing my own writing.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, I began to trust myself and my own judgment.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing full well there will be people who look at my body of work and find my mistakes.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Of course they will.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm human.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand the tendency to critique and criticize very well
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: because I've spent plenty of time doing it to myself.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: That internal critic can be relentless.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: She can identify every flaw,
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: every possible failure,
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: and every reason something might not work before I've even begun.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between evaluating our work so we can improve
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: and criticizing ourselves so harshly that we never get started.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: One helps us grow.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: The other keeps us standing still.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me of Theodore Roosevelt's famous Man in the Arena speech delivered in Paris in 1910.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: He said,
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: it is not the critic who counts,
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And later he praised the person who is actually in the arena Whose face is marred
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: by dust and sweat and blood.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I've always loved the spirit of that speech because it's so easy to sit on
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: the sidelines and evaluate what someone else is doing.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's another thing entirely to step into the arena,
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: put yourself on the line, and let the chips fall where they may.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And as an athlete, I understand this very well.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine being in the starting blocks at a track meet.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: The race official says, on your mark, get set, and suddenly you stop him.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait a minute.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I should have different shoes.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: My shorts are too tight.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: My shirt doesn't match.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: My hair is a mess.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I should have lost 10 pounds.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to win anyhow.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then you just walk right off the track.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: You never even give yourself the chance to run.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I've done this in life more than once,
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: but I've also stayed in those blocks and started the race.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've fallen down and gotten back up.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've also won a lot.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the older I get,
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: the more I realize that winning isn't always about crossing the finish line first.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes winning is simply having the courage to start.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: So what does all this have to do with the heart healing when we stop resisting?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it has everything to do with it.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because that internal critic who keeps us from reaching for our dreams is often
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: the very part of us that's hurting.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: The part that needs compassion instead of condemnation.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: The part that needs encouragement instead of another lecture about everything we've done wrong.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: The part that needs us to speak to ourselves with
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: the same kindness we would offer someone we love.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've reflected this morning on my grief journey,
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: after losing my mom and best friend,
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've come to recognize how deeply this lesson applies to sorrow too.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Grief doesn't follow a predictable path.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't operate on a schedule.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it certainly doesn't respond to our demands that it hurry up and leave us alone.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: For a long time, I wanted to find my way out of pain.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to understand it, make sense of it, and somehow get to the other side.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere along those 60,000 miles of driving, I began to understand something.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to stop missing my mother to appreciate a beautiful sunrise.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to stop feeling sadness to laugh at something ridiculous.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't have to wait until I was completely healed to begin living again.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Joy and sorrow can exist at the same time.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: So can laughter and tears.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So can gratitude and heartbreak.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most important lessons I've learned has been the power of peacefulness.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And peacefulness for me has not meant the absence of difficult emotions.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: It has meant learning to quiet the inner critic.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to stop fighting every uncomfortable feeling.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Learning that I don't have to solve everything,
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: understand everything,
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: or control everything before I can experience a moment of peace.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Once that critical voice became a little quieter,
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I found myself more willing to step into the arena.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I may still be scared.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I may have doubts.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I may stumble, make mistakes, or discover that something I tried didn't work.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I keep going.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when sorrow comes, as it inevitably does, I'm learning that I don't have to push it away.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I can let it come,
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can miss my mother,
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can cry, I can remember, and I can still find something beautiful in the day.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I mean when I say the heart heals when we stop resisting.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not that we stop experiencing sorrow,
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: sadness, pain,
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: or suffering,
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: but that we stop demanding that those feelings disappear
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: before we give ourselves permission to live.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: We allow them to flow through
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than spending all our energy trying to hold them back.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We make room for what hurts, and we make room for what heals.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many gifts along the pathway when we choose to live more freely.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Some arrive as spectacular sunrises,
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: others come through unexpected conversations,
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: moments of laughter, or the simple courage to try something we've been afraid to do.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the gift is discovering that we are capable of carrying sorrow and joy
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: in the very same heart.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: My hope is that you'll find one way to take a step forward in your own journey.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be perfectly prepared.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have all the answers,
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: and you certainly don't have to wait until everything in your life falls neatly
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: into place.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe all you need to do is give yourself permission to begin.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just try.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me on Beyond the Arc.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: If there's one thought I'd like you to carry with you today, it's this.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have everything figured out to take the next step.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the greatest gift we can give ourselves is permission to begin exactly as we are.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: If this essay resonated with you,
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll share with it with someone who might need a little encouragement.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can read more of my personal essays and learn about my book,
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Driving My Way Through Grief, at amygamble.com.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, remember that life isn't always about winning the race.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's about having the courage to step into the arena.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Amy Gamble.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Beyond the Arc.