Latest / Masculine Containment / 1 - #1 Problem In Relationships

Transcript

1 - #1 Problem In Relationships · Masculine Containment

• 0:00
  Welcome to Masculine Containment.
• 0:02
  Today, I want to share with you what I believe is the number one problem in heterosexual relationships.
• 0:07
  And once you understand this and see it, you're not going to be able to unsee it.
• 0:11
  And it's been hidden from us for years, maybe for centuries.
• 0:16
  First, let me tell you how I got here.
• 0:17
  A few years ago, my wife Katie and I, who've been together 22 years today,
• 0:22
  sat down, and she told me one of the hardest things I've ever heard in my life.
• 0:26
  She said, I don't feel seen.
• 0:27
  I don't feel heard.
• 0:28
  And if something doesn't change, I'm not going to be able to do this anymore.
• 0:32
  She was feeling unsafe.
• 0:34
  She was feeling unseen, unheard.
• 0:36
  And I was completely and totally shocked.
• 0:39
  See, I thought we were doing fine.
• 0:41
  We had challenges, but I thought we were doing okay.
• 0:43
  But we had this pattern in our relationship.
• 0:46
  And in the past few months, I've talked to over 100 men.
• 0:49
  And this pattern is present in every relationship.
• 0:51
  This is the number one problem.
• 0:53
  There's this pattern of trigger, escalation, rupture and damage being done, then a withdrawal period, and then repair.
• 1:01
  That pattern happens over and over and over again.
• 1:03
  If you think about it, you have a trigger.
• 1:05
  It's something that causes emotions, causes some type of a challenge.
• 1:09
  Then there's escalation.
• 1:10
  Emotions rise.
• 1:11
  Both people in the relationship start getting into their inner child.
• 1:13
  They start getting activated.
• 1:16
  Then there's rupture.
• 1:17
  There's damage done.
• 1:17
  We say things we don't mean.
• 1:18
  We say it in a context we don't mean.
• 1:20
  Our volume's too elevated.
• 1:21
  We're attacking each other.
• 1:23
  Then we withdraw to try and cool off.
• 1:26
  And then we come back and repair, like the Gottmans would say.
• 1:29
  But here's the issue.
• 1:30
  As men, we're actually made for this type of thing.
• 1:33
  As men, when there's a trigger...
• 1:34
  We are geared for threat identification.
• 1:37
  And then when there's escalation and rupture, we're actually geared for threat neutralization.
• 1:42
  And when we withdraw, we actually go back to baseline and then we can repair and we are fine.
• 1:47
  But it's different from women.
• 1:49
  Biologically, evolutionarily, women are actually programmed for safety and for preservation and for keeping the babies alive.
• 1:58
  Whether they have kids or not, this is just how we are different, men and women.
• 2:02
  And when women go through this same pattern of a trigger, an escalation, the escalation activates their nervous system.
• 2:09
  It releases cortisols and threat chemicals and all kinds of other challenging things for the woman.
• 2:15
  When you get into that rupture period, they're actually terrified.
• 2:18
  They are actually in mortal fear for their lives.
• 2:21
  And then when there's withdrawal, they feel abandoned.
• 2:23
  And when we come back and repair, we're never really fixing it.
• 2:26
  And that pattern actually lives in a woman's body far longer than it does in a man's body.
• 2:31
  Here's why.
• 2:33
  These are the questions I ask every man that I talk to.
• 2:35
  Is your wife stronger than you?
• 2:37
  The answer is always no.
• 2:39
  Is your wife more physically capable than you?
• 2:40
  The answer is always no.
• 2:42
  Is your wife more capable of violence than you?
• 2:45
  And the answer is always no.
• 2:47
  Well, the opposite of those things are true.
• 2:49
  We are stronger than our wives.
• 2:50
  We are more physically capable and we are more capable of violence.
• 2:53
  So when there's an escalation and we match energies, we don't even need to exceed her energy, her body,
• 3:00
  Her evolutionary body, her nervous system is seeing us as a threat.
• 3:04
  This isn't in her head.
• 3:05
  This is in her body.
• 3:06
  She's feeling the threat.
• 3:08
  She's absorbing that threat.
• 3:10
  And she's seeing us as a threat for an extended period of time.
• 3:14
  And so as men, we have to understand that if we continue this pattern, we are training her nervous system to see us as a threat.
• 3:22
  And the more we train her nervous system to see us as a threat,
• 3:25
  the harder it is going to be for her to get close to us, for her to be around us, for her to want to be intimate with us, for her to trust us.
• 3:34
  It's heartbreaking.
• 3:34
  I talk to men all the time who tell me things like, Alex, I don't understand.
• 3:38
  She doesn't look at me like she used to.
• 3:40
  She doesn't treat me like she used to.
• 3:42
  She feels like she's always on edge.
• 3:43
  It feels like I'm walking on A-shells.
• 3:44
  It feels like I can't do anything right.
• 3:46
  Well, my interpretation of that is,
• 3:49
  You have had so much conflict and so much rupture that her body is now not returning to baseline in between rupture and is just staying at an elevated fight, flight, fawn, or freeze state.
• 4:02
  And when a woman's in that state, her nervous system's activated, she can't help but be afraid of us.
• 4:07
  She can't help but her body tells her that we aren't safe.
• 4:12
  Some of the most heartbreaking messages I get from women.
• 4:15
  I've gotten tons of them.
• 4:16
  In the comments on my social media posts, in direct messages, they say things like, Alex, he's my person.
• 4:22
  I love him more than anything.
• 4:24
  He will always be my person, but I'm afraid.
• 4:27
  And when he gets close to me, my body says no.
• 4:30
  And I want to be intimate with him, but it just doesn't work anymore.
• 4:33
  I feel sensitivity and pain, and I feel scared, and I feel vulnerable, and I just don't feel like I need to or want to anymore.
• 4:42
  And when women feel that way, it's because their nervous system is actually showing them that this is how they should feel.
• 4:50
  And as men, that's frustrating for us.
• 4:52
  I know it was frustrating for me in my relationship when my wife didn't want to be intimate or my wife didn't look at me like she used to or didn't feel close.
• 5:01
  I would feel like I did something wrong.
• 5:03
  And I did that walking on eggshells for years.
• 5:06
  And I didn't understand that there was a solution for this.
• 5:09
  But there absolutely is.
• 5:12
  See, if we go back to this pattern of trigger and escalation and rupture and withdraw and damage being done, as men, we need to realize we have the stronger nervous system in the room.
• 5:25
  We have the stronger body in the room, the stronger physical presence.
• 5:29
  And if we understand that when there's a trigger, it's up to us to contain ourselves.
• 5:35
  It's up to us to breathe and to metabolize the energy that's going on, not to stuff it down, but to breathe and transmute and transform the energy that's present so that we can get in our bodies and start leading with curiosity instead of judgment.
• 5:50
  So we can create masculine containment where we ask questions and we find out what's really going on and we inquire and we hear her.
• 5:59
  And when we allow our partners to express themselves, when we allow their emotions to come through, when we lead with curiosity instead of seeing their emotions as a threat, that's when we can create emotional safety and security for our partners.
• 6:13
  And here's the fact, guys.
• 6:15
  Most women have never felt true emotional safety and security in their lives.
• 6:21
  Women don't walk around the world like we do.
• 6:24
  Stairways, parking garages, long hallways and commercial buildings are all places where women feel vulnerable.
• 6:31
  They feel scared.
• 6:31
  They feel upset.
• 6:32
  They feel like something's coming.
• 6:34
  For us as men, it's just not the same.
• 6:36
  We need to understand that women walk around far, far more vulnerable than we do.
• 6:41
  Not just because of what's happened in this lifetime, but there's an entire history.
• 6:45
  Of women being treated as objects, women being taken advantage of, women being assaulted and all kinds of other stuff.
• 6:52
  If you look at the incidents of man-on-woman crime to woman-on-man crime, there's absolutely no comparison.
• 6:59
  And so women walk around in fear.
• 7:02
  And the challenge is, when you allow this pattern to continue in your relationship, when you allow it to be present, when it continues, your partner is going to walk around in fear in your relationship.
• 7:15
  So if you've felt like she's not as close to you anymore, if you've started to feel her slipping away, if she doesn't initiate like she used to, if she doesn't look at you like she used to, if you don't feel the intimacy that you used to have, the solution is...
• 7:30
  To understand that as the man, you must go first.
• 7:35
  See, here's the reality.
• 7:37
  As a man, we can calm ourselves.
• 7:39
  We can ask her questions.
• 7:40
  We can provide emotional safety and security.
• 7:42
  We can inquire.
• 7:43
  We can be curious instead of judging.
• 7:46
  We can show ourselves that her emotions are safe and that we can sit there and we can listen and we can understand and we can be curious.
• 7:54
  But for the woman, if she tries to do that, see her nervous system is registering as a threat, registering us as a threat.
• 8:01
  So the more loud we get, the more animated we get, the more emotions we bring to the table when there's already that trigger and there's already escalation, we are just showing her how unsafe we are.
• 8:12
  So it's almost impossible for her to regulate to the point where she can do the same for you.
• 8:18
  Because the more you escalate, the more threat
• 8:24
  And so if you want to change things in your relationship, if you want to create a sacred bond, if you want to pull the two of you together, practice masculine containment.
• 8:33
  It's calming down and breathing and showing yourself that she's not a threat.
• 8:39
  And here's one of the reasons this is so crucially important for us as men.
• 8:44
  We've already discussed that her nervous system registers us as a threat.
• 8:48
  The opposite is not true.
• 8:49
  She is not a threat to us.
• 8:51
  There's no threat of violence.
• 8:52
  There's no mortal threat.
• 8:53
  The opposite is true.
• 8:55
  And so if we're sitting there and asking her questions and we have stuff coming up and we're getting emotional and we're getting frustrated and we're getting triggered, that is where we have work to do.
• 9:04
  That's where we can go do EMDR or spend time in neutral or go for a walk and understand what's actually going on with us.
• 9:11
  I've been practicing masculine containment with my wife on a daily basis in what we call active containment or bringing her towards me and asking her questions since December 26, 2023.
• 9:22
  And in that time, I've learned so much about her.
• 9:26
  I understand her better than I ever have.
• 9:29
  I know her history.
• 9:30
  I understand what triggers her.
• 9:31
  I understand what upsets her.
• 9:33
  But here's what's even more important.
• 9:35
  I've learned more about myself in that period than I did at any other period in my life.
• 9:40
  Because when something would come up, when I would be triggered, when I couldn't hold containment, when I felt myself breaking, when I felt myself overreacting, that was my work.
• 9:50
  That's what I took to meditation.
• 9:51
  That's what I took to my EMDR therapist.
• 9:53
  That's what I took to time in neutral.
• 9:54
  That's what I took to when I went on a walk and said, where is this really coming from?
• 9:59
  Where is this trigger that's outside of the room?
• 10:01
  Because I'm not in danger.
• 10:09
  What is the work for me to do?
• 10:11
  And in that time period, over and over again, I've taken those things and I've worked on them.
• 10:15
  And as a result, I've become more calm, more regulated,
• 10:20
  It's easier for me to listen to people.
• 10:22
  My attention span is far greater.
• 10:25
  But here's what's even more important.
• 10:27
  My capacity for everything in my life has gone through the roof because I've processed those things that are in the background.
• 10:33
  I've processed my hurt inner child.
• 10:36
  And I'm not in a healed state.
• 10:37
  I'm processing.
• 10:38
  But I've done a lot of this work.
• 10:39
  I don't want to present myself as a finished product because we are all a work in progress.
• 10:43
  Progress over perfection.
• 10:45
  But in that time, I've had the opportunity to process childhood trauma and conditioning and challenges that I've had in my life.
• 10:51
  And my wife has been there through it all with me.
• 10:55
  And for the man who says, well, if I do this, what does she do for me?
• 10:58
  Here's what I want you to know.
• 11:00
  If you take the time to practice containment and you understand your wife and you understand that her emotions are her showing you her vulnerability, her emotions are beautiful, her emotions are her letting you into her inner world.
• 11:13
  you will start to feel seen and heard and validated in a way you never have before.
• 11:19
  And when you're able to sit with your wife in the middle of an emotional trigger and ask her questions, and instead of bringing energy to create a storm, you calm the storm and you bring her through that and you lead her through that, you will have a feeling of power like you never have before in your life.
• 11:39
  And it will create a magnetic attraction between the two of you.
• 11:43
  Because when there's a trigger and you dominate yourself in that situation, and when I say dominate yourself, it's dominating me.
• 11:50
  It's making it so that I don't react.
• 11:51
  It's making it so that I don't...
• 11:54
  have emotions and yell at her or escalate.
• 11:57
  It's actually making it so that I lead with curiosity.
• 12:00
  And when I create that dominance within myself, when I create that presence within myself, what happens is I give her a space to surrender into and to share and to be seen and to be heard and feel safe and feel like she can be vulnerable and share whatever she needs to share.
• 12:18
  And that dominance and that opportunity for submission, that opportunity for her to surrender, that creates polarity, which is like an electric charge that makes everything in your relationship so much more exciting.
• 12:33
  So the next time that you see this pattern in your relationship, remember, as a man, if you don't go first and stop this pattern, your relationship's only going in one direction.
• 12:42
  And over time, her body isn't going to trust you.
• 12:45
  And you, as a man in the relationship,
• 12:49
  Can take control of yourself and process what's going on.
• 12:53
  Breathe through the situation.
• 12:55
  Create capacity by meditating, spending time in neutral, working out, seeing an EMDR therapist.
• 13:02
  And when you create that capacity and you meet her emotions with safety, your entire relationship will change for the better.
• 13:10
  And you might have a relationship like you've never thought you would have in your life.
• 13:14
  I know that's what's happened for me.
• 13:15
  I love my wife Katie more than anything in the world.
• 13:18
  But today, we are closer than we've ever been.
• 13:21
  And she is the foundation for everything that I do.
• 13:25
  And there's this extraordinary feeling of knowing that whatever comes up, we can sit down.
• 13:31
  I can hold containment.
• 13:32
  I'll understand what's happening for her.
• 13:34
  She will feel seen and heard, and I will feel seen and heard.
• 13:38
  And our relationship is safe.
• 13:41
  It's connected.
• 13:42
  And there's a level of intimacy that we have that the average relationship will never approach.
• 13:48
  Thanks for listening.
• 13:49
  And take a moment and subscribe.
• 13:51
  I'm new at this.
• 13:52
  I'd love to have you as a subscriber.
• 13:53
  And thanks for listening or watching this.
• 13:56
  I appreciate you.
• 13:58
  Thanks for listening.
• 13:59
  If you're ready to learn more about masculine containment so that you can have more capacity, show a present grounded and aware, be the calmest man in the room who always wins, go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com.
• 14:11
  The Brotherhood is an international organization of men and a society where we learn masculine containment so that we can be better at everything we do.
• 14:20
  And I'd be honored to walk this path with you.
• 14:22
  I'll see you there.
• 14:23
  Thebrotherhoodsociety.com.