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HOW TO GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD DURING SEX · Erotic Spirit Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I have found in my perspective and my belief that when I tune into the body and I allow something to be witnessed and seen, that it actually then goes away.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that when I see something and I suppress it and I just say, nope, I don't want to look at that.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to know what that is, I find that it comes up in another way later.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So if there is some sort of response going on or reaction going on that is from the past, and it is just creating this experience for you where you're thinking about your, you know, you're kind of watching and witnessing yourself instead of actually being in the experience.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I find that honoring those parts of you and accepting them really help them move through.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Please understand that I am not a therapist.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: My guests and I are simply sharing from our own journeys and experiences.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Rotic Spirit Podcast, where sexuality, spirituality, and embodiment meet.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been having sex where you're just thinking about something?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're thinking about how does your body look?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do they like that?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're thinking about your grocery list that you gotta get done.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am offering an invitation into why I believe we go to our head and why we feel stuck in our head instead of actually feeling into the present moment.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so in this episode, what you can expect today is why I believe we do it, and tips on how to get unstuck out of your head during sex.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So diving in, why I believe we really seek to our head when we're having sex.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not, you know, um, or sometimes you may be, I believe that sex is vulnerable.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like sex can be something really intimate and our we can turn into performance.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we can even be having sex but and witnessing ourselves.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're kind of in a way dissociative, and we're just examining what's happening while it's happening.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so I believe that combination between vulnerability and we've been taught that things are supposed to look a certain way, just really get can get us in our head.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Also, I truly believe one of the key things I that I have experienced was it did not feel safe enough to actually be in my body during sex.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I would analyze because if I was analyzing thinking, I'm actually, I don't need to actually be in my body.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what felt safe, quote unquote.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can be in your head actually look like?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: This may look like you're thinking about something that has nothing to do with sex.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're thinking about something you have to do tomorrow.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or it could look like you saying, Oh, I don't like the way that part of my body looks.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not actually in the present moment of feeling what's going on in your body.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Pleasure can be happening in your body, but when we are in tune and aware of that, actually present with what's happening in our body.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I really invite you to take a pause and take an inventory on where you sit and where you fall and how that can really be overcome, or how we can look to really drop into our body.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I've shared a couple things on why.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like a deeper part to go into is being seen.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times things can get really performative, and we can drop into it's gotta look this way, or it has to sound this way.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have to moan this way because then they know that I'm having a good time.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll admit, I know there's a lot of things out there, and you know, different, you know, you can say the porn industry and how performance, it's literally acting.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when you look at that, that's not realistic.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: So how does it actually feel in your body to let the pleasure in and go based on that instead of performance?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: But more importantly, what I feel is happening is the fear of being seen vulnerability when we truly let go, and we just truly let go, that can be a space of uh deep vulnerable vulnerability and being seen and witnessed for that expression within ourselves.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I really invite you to allow this opportunity that being seen is just an invitation into the depth of yourselves and being vulnerable.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it may not feel safe, but one step at a time, we could learn how that can start to feel safe.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll jump into all the things.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I have a couple tips here for you.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I find I'll just jump into joy, just jump into joy and silliness and laughter.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I find that people and sexual experiences or while having sex can make everything so fucking serious.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It can make it feel like it's a job.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And who wants to show up and just work a job when we're literally adult playing?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I find that laughter can ease the tension.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're in that flow and we're in that joy, and sometimes if something silly comes up, like don't be afraid to laugh or don't be afraid to make a joke and just be your normal self.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you are usually someone who does engage in that type, and you are someone who is silly, let that flow over into the bedroom.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be afraid to take that part of you in.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when you actually drop into those spaces, you it's it's kind of hard to be so tense when you're laughing, right?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that's something I really invite in for you.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Joy is something that can really switch up the energy, that laughter can just really move through your body and you feel that shift within you.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so invite that in.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I also find that I found in the past for me that desire and having a desire and being in fear of sharing that or feeling like there would be judgment on the recipient side of that felt like something that would cause me pause.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I would notice that I would have a desire in my mind and be like, I just want him to do it that way, like that way.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, no, wait, why did you switch?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I it would just kind of be a freeze on my desire.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or if there's something I never tried before.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something that it just couldn't get out of my head.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just would go to the analyzing part.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just so much easier to sit there than actually see that there might be rejection in what I wanted.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is something where we can kind of stay stuck in that loop, in that mental energy of what if, what if there's rejection?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: What if they think it's weird?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: What if all the things?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't know until you express it.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You could find that that really builds on chemistry.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we can find a lot of times that we're just in our head spinning through that loop instead of actually being present, speaking it out, letting it be come outside of us and be expressed and just move from there.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's something that doesn't happen.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe there is uh not a resonance in that desire, and that's okay too.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a tip here for this.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I find that desire and expression, it's it obviously comes in communication.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so you when I find that I move the energy in my throat when I actually just let that energy out.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's something that's unrelated.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if I have a desire that I'm willing that I want to express, how do I move the energy with my throat?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I actually can make sound with my throat and just let that move through.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then eventually it becomes easier for me to speak.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I also find that sometimes speaking desire in the moment, if if you're not used to it, do it before.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just really easy.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do the speaking before because you it might feel a little unsettling to receive that rejection in the moment.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you really want to just honor your body and honor this, okay.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna speak it, but it's gonna be before we even get to the bedroom.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: It might be like on date night, or it could be if it's with like a new partner or however that experience is.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: It could be before any activity starts, where you sit down and you can go through different things.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I would usually, if it's a new partner, even existing one, would go through desires.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I would find that different nights, different days, there are different desires.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you want something really nice and slow and sensual.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to start with touch, maybe you want to uh start with some juicy kissing, right?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So just looking at what is it that you actually truly want?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: What do you feel like having in the moment, but doing it before?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then if there isn't something in resonance, you hear that, and that's fine.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: But you spoke it out, you got it out of the way, and then I invite you into breathing into that because you can also get into a loop of thinking, what are they thinking about me now?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: That I've said that and they said no.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to breathe through that, and I'll give you some advice that I feel like it'll just get better.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: It'll get better over time.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is the more that we hear no's or something that is known that is not in resonance, we start to realize that hearing no does not mean danger, does not mean that it has something to do with me.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: It has maybe nothing to do with me.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not for it's not my job to figure out how someone will receive me, but it is part of my job to express desires.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: So um to, you know, be able to be in that flow.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So outside of desire, outside of laughter, I also find that performance can be a reason why I might be in my head.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why do why do I feel like I have to perform?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I shared that before.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And being able to really move the body, I found was really helpful for me.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if I find that I'm not loving the way that I'm looking, and and I've worked a long way on that.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I I really truly love my body, but being able to kind of move in my body and put on some music, something that maybe even makes you you feel confident as well.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I find that moving the body can get one really out of the head.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I will put on a song that just makes me feel so fucking sexy.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: That I'm just like, I need to dance to this, my my ass needs to move to this, I would want to flow this way.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that is when I drop into my body outside of how do I look.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I am more like this song is so good, I need to drop into it.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't care because this is my favorite jam.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's just really the biggest tip on how I find getting outside of performance can really settle in.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now we per we lead into performance for many reasons, and I find that just dropping into breath and moving the body can really ease that tension.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and breath is really big.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Breath work is there's actually a pattern that we can do.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've talked about box breathing before.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not familiar with box breathing, 4444, four seconds in, pause for four seconds, four seconds out, pause for four seconds, meaning holding the breath.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you do that a couple times, and you really actually set your system into a parasympathetic parasympathetic nervous system, and you step into a relaxed state.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something where you can really allow yourself to just relax, get out of your head if you're breathing, if you're cycling through that, if your body's more in the inner dropping into that rest state, you're gonna start to see those thoughts fall away.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing, the other juicy tip that I love, I love, I love is some sort of mindfulness technique.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: So mindfulness is dropping into different aspects and different senses, creating a sensual experience, or really actually just recognizing that it is a sensual experience.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so maybe you drop into a sense and you are you're looking at your partner and you're just starting to kind of describe in your head the the curves around the curve around their earlobe.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or I find sense of feeling that sense being really easy for me.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so I may notice that I run my hand, you know, along their their shoulder, or I ask or invite them to actually do that, have that create that feeling on my body where I get to really notice what it feels like for their hand to run down my arm.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, if you have if you have hair on your arms, what does it feel like for those fingers to move across those hair follicles?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: And just being able to really tune in to any sense, when you're actually in your body and you're feeling that, you're gonna stop thinking.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you were thinking about, you you get back in.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you ever find yourself in an experience where you're starting to think about something that is unrelated to actually feeling pleasure moving through your body, then I would really invite you to bring in a sense.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Bring in a sense or invite your partner to create that experience too for you.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Another tip that I have is really just allowing yourself to run through your entire body, check head to toe, scan your body, and see what sensations you have going on.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: So if you find that you haven't actually stepped into your sexual experience yet and you start to take your breaths, you may notice that you're a little nervous.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: You may notice that you have maybe you have some sadness going on.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have some sort of trauma response happening.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is sponsored by My Awakening Within.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you are looking for some sort of practice to drop into your pleasure, to reconnect to your body, to start to build and cultivate safety from within, join me on this online self-guided journey where you will start to learn breathwork techniques, emotional release practices, and start to build this foundation of safety and security from a place of presence.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: So join me online, myAwakeningWithin.com or linked in the show notes.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't realize this for a while, but that was my experience.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I can't say what's happening for you, but I know what I was going through.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I would suppress any emotions.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so just being able to take a scan of the body from head to toe, I'd start to notice different sensations in my body.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I may notice, you know, my chest feels tight, or I may notice that my breathing is kind of off, or my throat has a tickle, or I have a pain somewhere in my body, and it's totally unrelated to anything that was going on in the day.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to really just kind of acknowledge what is happening within the body gives space for something to process.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have found, in my perspective and my belief, that when I tune into the body and I allow something to be witnessed and seen, that it actually then goes away.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that when I see something and I suppress it and I just say, nope, I don't want to look at that.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to know what that is, I find that it it comes up in another way later.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if there is some sort of response going on or reaction going on that is from the past, and it is just creating this experience for you where you're thinking about your, you know, you're kind of watching and witnessing yourself instead of actually being in the experience.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I find that honoring those parts of you and accepting them really help them move through.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so if there are sensations, beautiful.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then I do like a check-in.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: I I would do kind of a check-in and ask how I feel.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so, of course, you know, you don't want to be in your head and overanalyzing, but just kind of grabbing an emotion.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're able to witness that this is sadness, that that something is moving through and it's sad, I don't push through it.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I, you know, went through sexual abuse when I was younger.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so through my adult sexual experiences, I would suppress.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I recognize when I actually allowed myself to feel feelings that were arising through a sexual experience, it felt like things finally were released.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then the sex got better.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I definitely found that it's not maybe like always the perfect, what may seem like the perfect solution, but it just feels like it moves through.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say that, it doesn't feel like the perfect solution because I feel like it's very vulnerable for feelings to move through when you're in that very intimate act, especially if it's with a new partner or even if it's with someone that you've been with for a while.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, um, I'm just, I just need a cry right now.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it has nothing to do with them.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I found I remember I was really holding that back.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was holding those parts of me in, and I could feel I would, I would think about this and be like, what is happening?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, just it would just loop in my head instead of actually just letting it move through.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember it was like a minute later, and I'm like, okay, I'm good.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually, instead of spending 20 minutes of trying to think about the emotion, I actually felt it.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: I just just felt it.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's natural.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: These things are really natural.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: It just feels really scary.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we can really start to say, well, what are they gonna think?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: And for that, that's kind of a a way of looking at people pleasing and looking at, well, how can I make their experience better and diminishing mine?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the more that we do that, we're actually not we're not being true to ourselves.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So allowing ourselves to really drop into the depth of ourselves.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if that is not someone else's cup of tea, they're not for you.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's just anyone who is not willing to accept all parts of me, right?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or you is someone that um yeah, they're they're not for you.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so it starts with you accepting all parts of you.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And those are just beautiful tips that I love to share and how we can start to just move outside of our head and into the body.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start to do those things, you recognize that you start to actually be really present.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, if we're not feeling safe in the body, you know, we're and we're thinking about all these things, we're not truly present with our experience.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to get back to present and just keep doing it.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is we get to rewire our nervous system and we get to give our body evidence that something new is happening.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: That, oh, when I actually tune in and I am present, it is safe to be here.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And without that new evidence, we have nothing to go off of.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it just takes one step at a time to really start that and really start to embody that.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: And one practice that you can also do as well.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: So lots of tips, but one practice that you can do is creating a sensual experience.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I talked about this tip of what's this sense, go into that sense and allow yourself to come back present in the body.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is more of a sensual experience.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can drop into all of the senses here, which I love to do.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love to drop into the sound, the touch, the hearing, the taste, the smell.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you can create this on your own.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can create a sensual experience on your own.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can create this with a partner.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it really helps create this presence between you and someone else, or just with you and your body.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so you can drop into, say you drop into taste.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: What are some foods?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: What are some sweets?
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: So is there anything?
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: And just think of strawberry.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Strawberry is whipped cream.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh drop into taste and let that just move through between you two, or just with yourself, letting yourself taste the sweetness of the fruit.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Smell.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Smell can be, I invite in a new smell.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I something that just it can be peaceful, it can be calming, it can create that uh erotic aliveness within you, whatever it is, but you can do some sage, you can have a candle and just be able to create that that sense through that nose and drop into something that really just invites in all the things that you love.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: And hearing, right?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: What are we hearing?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you really enjoy certain music that can that puts you in the mood, uh maybe you enjoy hearing moans and you there's a song that has lots of moans in it or whatever that is, but being able to create that experience where you're hearing what's moving through you.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: I also find that sound can really move through the body.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so that just allowing that sense to come in.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Seeing, you know, what are you seeing in front of you?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: What are you seeing your leg?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, are you you can kind of start to just move along the grooves?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you have a partner, what are you seeing within them?
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of all the things, you know, the the grooves along their ears, what is going on, you know, around their arms, and allowing that sense to come in as well.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then, and then feeling, feeling in where you can run your hands along your skin.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, allow yourself to just drop slowly into it.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do that with a partner.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can start to, you know, feel their skin, feel like you know what's moving through them.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start to drop into these senses, it really allows for playfulness, it allows for an experience that you can create that's new.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: And who does not want a new experience?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely feel like one of the things that can uh keep us stuck in our sex life is things are the same.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're monotonous.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: We it's over and over again.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, what kind of fun or play or different things can we bring into the bedroom that creates something new and exciting and fun and joy, like I said before.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: And uh with that sensual experience, this helps you get out of your head.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: So give it a try.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you've never done any of these things before, drop a comment down below if you're if you resonate or if you have something.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for tuning in today to the Erotic Spirit Podcast.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you enjoy what you like.
• 27:02
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• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can listen and tune in and let me know what you think.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 27:11
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• 27:13
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