Latest / The Catholic Couple / Why Good Catholic Men Quietly Drift Away

Transcript

Why Good Catholic Men Quietly Drift Away · The Catholic Couple

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every men's group I've ever led almost starts out exactly the same way.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: 12 guys show up on week one, they're all fired up, they're ready to go, they got their new Bibles, they got even journals, they've downloaded Hallow, they're watching YouTube videos, and they're even praying the rosary.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: They're on the road, ready to become disciples.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: However, fast forward four months, and I'm lucky that if six are still even showing up.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: For years, I thought that maybe that's just how men's groups actually work.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know people get busy and overtime and kids and schedules change, life happens, I get it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: But after leading Bible studies, connect groups, men's groups, workout groups, and leading retreats, I've seen this happen over and over again.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think it's actually what's going on anymore.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I've watched, you know, tons of men just all of a sudden quit their faith.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: What I think I've watched is really good men just slowly start to drift away from what originally got them on fire.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And drifting, well, drifting is different.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wakes up one morning and all of a sudden just decides, you know what?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm just done with that Jesus guy.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: It almost never happens like that.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, they miss one meeting, it happens.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then next thing you know, it's another meeting.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then all of a sudden, prayer, you know, is just something that we do on occasion.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's put on the back burner.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then mass, well, they still show up.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of praying or setting out, three of the readings or get involved with what's going on in the mass, they just kind of show up.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: They stop entering into it and making it prayerful, making it meaningful.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, confession, well, that gets pushed off in another month.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And next thing you know, it's six months.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: They haven't been to confession, they're still committing those sins, but they're not being humble and confessing them.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then before long, you know what?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're still Catholic, but they're surviving instead of growing.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why I wanted to make this video, because I've precisely been that guy.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there have been seasons in my own life where I quietly started drifting.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this season in my life right now has been very hard for me to not drift.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Having back surgery and getting out of my routines, I had to consciously think about it and be ready to fight against that drifting because I know because I've done it before.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: The drifting didn't happen because all of a sudden I stopped believing.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't all of a sudden because I stopped loving Jesus any anymore or any less.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: But it was because I believed a lie that almost every man eventually hears.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll get to that lie in just a minute.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But because I once was like that, I recognize that you start to see it everywhere.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: For those who don't know me, my name is Bobby.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: My wife and I, we host this the Catholic couple, but today I wanted to sit down one-on-one.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent years leading different men's groups and I've watched men also come very much alive and see their lives transformed in Christ.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: However, I also watch really good men quietly just disappear and never hear from them again.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a husband or a father, or maybe you're a wife who's just wondering why your husband seems spiritually disconnected, I made this video and hopefully it helps.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because I honestly think this is one of the biggest battles facing Catholic men today.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not atheism, it's not politics, and it's not even pornography.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It is isolation.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: That is the battle.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And isolation is exactly where the evil one, the enemy, once men.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something that I also realized most Catholic men don't just quit because they reject Jesus.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: They quit because nobody ever showed them what mature Catholic manhood actually looks like.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: We tell men, pray more, read scripture, go to mass, go to some extra masses, you know, do Lexio Dovina, lead your family, do all these things.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: All very good things.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: But very few men have ever had someone sit across from them and help them paint a picture of who they are actually called to become.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who are they becoming?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: They know what they're supposed to do.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And most of us, we do.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: We know we should pray, read the Bible, not sin, do all those things.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: We know the things that we're supposed to do.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: But most people don't know who they are becoming.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So eventually faith just becomes just another checklist.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And men, I know we got tons of checklists, those honeydew lists, things around the yard, things at work, things we need to do constantly.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, faith becomes just another performance.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's just another area where all of a sudden we feel like we're failing, just like we are at other things in our life, because it's so hard to be everything to everyone all the time.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And performance, well, can only take you so far.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I came into the faith.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I came into the faith on fire.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you know my story.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Midnight Mass absolutely changed my life as a basically atheist.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Had one encounter with Jesus in a way, and I went into Mass and I walked out a different person.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was on fire.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everything had changed in my life, or at least I thought so.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I thought everything changed.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what nobody told me that conversion happens in a moment, sure.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But discipleship, well, that happens over decades.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that one encounter with Christ completely changed my direction of my life.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I still had to learn how to become the kind of man who would stay faithful, especially after all the emotions of the initial conversion settle down.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because emotions always eventually settle down.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's your relationship with God or your spouse, feelings are sometimes very much liars.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, the honeymoon ends, that excitement fades because it's not the same as when you first got into it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then all of a sudden the question becomes what remains when the feelings don't?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I think a lot of men today lose this battle.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they stop believing, but because they built their faith on intensity.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And intensity, well, it feels incredible.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: However, it also burns out.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can white knuckle almost anything for six weeks.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I've done plenty of that myself.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't white knuckle it for six years.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can't white knuckle discipleship for the rest of your life.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you something about me.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one time, the night before one of my Saturday morning men's workout groups, we called the group Ascent.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was standing in my bedroom, about to set my alarm, and something I really like to do, something that we started after COVID, a bunch of us realized that we had spent all this time isolated.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to get outside.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to move our bodies.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I enjoyed working out.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to form a group with men to get together, to pray together, to build friendships, and spend, you know, a couple Sundays or a couple Saturdays a month where we could get together, work out, pray together, get to know each other, have that fellowship, spend time afterwards in prayer and adoration.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Very simple, nothing over the top, nothing flashy.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just men getting together, pursuing Christ and doing it together.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: The workouts usually start at 7 a.m.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: in the morning.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the problem Monday through Friday, I'm already getting up early, 4:30 in the morning.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I get up an hour early to go to daily mass.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm getting up really early.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the nights, if I'm honest, I'm staying up a little too late for that.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, Sundays, you're already up early for mass, get the kids together, get everything ready.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: So Saturday is the one morning every week where I can actually sleep in, maybe till seven o'clock to get caught up on all the sleep that I missed through the through the week.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But nobody would have blamed me.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I was always setting that alarm.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: These thoughts always just started showing up.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is this really making a difference?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Could you just work out by yourself?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: What's the big deal if you don't just cancel this meeting?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody would probably even care if I canceled.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe they would go about their business or maybe even try to step up and do it themselves.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, telling myself, well, I know these guys are busy, they got stuff going on, the weather's kind of crummy, you know, uh, they don't want to get rained on or whatever it may be, putting all this effort into something, and you know what?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's actually working.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think anybody's actually changing.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Part of me really did want to just sleep in because, like I said, I needed to catch up on sleep.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not pretending that that isn't part of it.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But there was also something I think deeper happening to me in that moment.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been around long enough to recognize this other voice within my head, right?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's exactly how spiritual attacks usually work.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The devil rarely shows up saying, Stop following Jesus.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Does he do you really believe him?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: He's much more subtle and sneaky than uh than that, right?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: He is the whisperer.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: He whispers and says, Hey, your ministry isn't bearing any fruit.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're not making any change, no one's changing.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: What good is it doing already?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: You've already done enough.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve to sleep in.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody would even notice if you stop even doing this ministry.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's discouragement.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Before I get into that a little bit more, can I ask you to do a quick favor?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation is already helping you put into words something that you've already been feeling and seeing, hit that subscribe button.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: My goal with these solo episodes isn't just to make more Catholic content, it's to help men stay in the fight.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Every week I want to have these conversations when I'm not having the show with Katie on discipleship or marriage.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about fatherhood and what us men are going through, not because I'm perfect, but because I have learned some lessons and I still struggle.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to help other people who are in the same shoes that I was and the things that I still struggle with.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Discouragement has always ended more ministries, I think, than opposition ever has.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because if Satan can convince you that faithfulness isn't making a difference, eventually you're gonna stop being faithful.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the enemy wants just that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what hit me the next morning.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: If I had canceled that workout, none of the men probably would have thought, hey, Bobby quit, or oh man, something's going on with him.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: They probably would have just thought, you know what, he's pretty busy.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: He does two podcasts, he's doing all this stuff, he's just being busy.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that exactly how drifting starts?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody announces it, nobody posts about it, nobody says, Hey, I just decided slowly to walk away from God.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: We just start calling it busy.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And in my case, we haven't did Ascent in a few months because I had back surgery and I can't work out.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like I found ways to kind of just postpone it till my back feels better to where I can do it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's easy.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And now I feel so guilty that the men that I'm helping lead are are drifting because of my own insecurities and my back injury instead of just showing up and being faithful.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's one of the biggest lies that men tell each other, right?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not because we're being dishonest, it's because, you know what?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's just easier.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to say, I'm just busy, I'm slammed, I have this reason, or you have that reason.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's different than saying, you know what, I'm discouraged, or hey, I'm kind of down right now.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I feel isolated, I'm struggling, I got this back problem.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't want to be out there because I can't do any of the movements, and here I am just watching you guys work out.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I just started to wonder if any of this is actually even changing myself.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is this even help helping anybody else?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Busy is one thing in the American culture that's socially acceptable.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness, that isn't normal.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Discouragement, that isn't either.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Doubt, not that either.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we hide behind that word busy.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And after leading men for years now, I've learned something that the devil almost never attacks me when I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: He attacks me when I'm about to do something that could actually bear fruit.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, that's before a retreat, whether that's getting in between me and my spouse, or before a podcast, or before a Bible study.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I felt that just this Monday.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just, hey, same thing.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: We started off with 30 guys.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: We've been having six or eight guys show up.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, man, I could just send the notes and I can sit at home.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: The men's soccer game was playing.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I really wanted to watch that.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I showed up and six guys showed up, and it ended up being a great Bible study.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but that's the thing.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's that when we are obedient to God, things happen.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I get that.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is almost predictable now because this kind of stuff happens all the time.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Between my wife and I, almost every single time before we do a podcast, there's something we feel between us, whether that spiritual attack, all of a sudden the technology breaks down, the guest cancels, someone's getting sick.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, we get really irritated with each other.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: We have so many other things that we could be doing.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, we got old wounds starting to pop up.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're bringing up old things.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, I start hearing that familiar voice, and that none of this is making a difference.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're wasting all your time.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: It costs a lot of money to do this.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there's other things I could be doing, like spending time with my kids or doing yard work or whatever needs to be done.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that is no coincidence.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: That is spiritual warfare.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the same thing happens to a lot of men in a lot of situations.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: They make the mistake that spiritual resistance is just some kind of sign for doing something wrong when it may actually be evidence that they're doing something right.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I think that is where most people maybe get the diagnosis wrong.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: We say men quit because they're busy, which could happen and probably does happen.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: But work always is crazy.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: It seems like we are always busy and the kids always have sports, and there's always something that we can do.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that there's some truth in all of those things, right?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't think any of those things are the real reason.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think maybe they're symptoms, but I think the disease is way deeper.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I've come to believe after years of walking with men and women and people within the church in general.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Most men, however, men, they don't drift because they lose faith.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: They drift because they lose connection.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And think about your own life for a second, right?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Who actually knows how you're doing spiritually?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking, hey, have you been to Mass, right?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking who knows you even go to Mass.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking who knows that you actually even volunteer a church.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking who knows where you're struggling or how you're struggling or who knows that you're even discouraged?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows that your prayer life has really not been that great and it feels dry and that you're going through, you know, one of those dry seasons in your faith life.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows the sins that you've been confessing or the things that you're struggling with over and over again?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows the doubts that you've never really said out loud?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And for a lot of men, the answer is nobody.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's you, I want you to hear this next part.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's not unusual.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not the only one.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I felt that a whole majority of my faith journey.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're part of the pattern that I've seen over and over again, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that men are some of the loneliest people in our culture.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not because we don't know people.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: We know tons of people.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: We say hi, we got co-workers, we got friends, we got neighbors, we got people we go to the gym with or play golf with, we talk to parents at, you know, before and after mass or on the sidelines at games, but very few men have someone who they actually can talk to about these kinds of things, who actually know their deepest secrets when it comes to their faith journey, right?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: We mostly have acquaintances, not actual brothers.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Those two things are very different.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Scripture says it perfectly.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Says that two are better than one.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: If either falls, one can help the other up, but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help him up.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that that's just some good advice.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's how God designed us for communion.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Even Jesus didn't form 12 disciples who lived in isolation and lived their spiritual lives totally separated from each other.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: He formed a brotherhood.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Peter wasn't alone, James wasn't all by himself, John definitely wasn't alone.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Even Paul, he had Barnabas, Paul had Timothy, Moses had Aaron and her, and even they were holding up his arms when he couldn't do it anymore in that battle.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: They were there to support him, literally.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And God has always formed people for communion.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the Christian life has never been something that we're meant to do by ourselves, just to be in isolation.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: But here's where I think men get stuck.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: From time to time, we're little boys, we were taught it's this just be strong, suck it up, figure it out, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, don't complain.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Men don't do things like that.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let them see you struggle.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us, we have become great performers, myself included.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's at work, when you actually need someone to help you out, don't let people see you struggle.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: So all of a sudden we become really good performers where competency is rewarded.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: In sports, being competent, that's rewarded as well.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Even on social media, being competent is rewarded.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the problem a relationship with Christ isn't built on being competent, it is built on surrender.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And those two things, well, they're very, very different.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And most men spend 50 hours every week proving that they are capable.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Then all of a sudden they walk into church still trying to prove that they're capable.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they never tell anybody that they're struggling or that they need help or they're having a hard time.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: They never admit that they're discouraged.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: They never say, I haven't prayed all week.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled, I yelled at my wife, I lost my temper with my kids, I'm really having a hard time fighting lust.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I question whether God is ever even listening to me.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, we put on a mask, all of a sudden we perform, and all of a sudden we become the person who has all the right answers.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, you know what?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're that we are that dependable person.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're that volunteer.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime they need me, they can call me.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: I am the leader.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the guy that everybody assumes has it all together.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: The tragedy is that the stronger that image becomes, the harder it becomes to tell the truth.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you got something to lose.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen this happen with men that I deeply respect, men who love the church, who love their families, who love Jesus and serve faithfully.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then all of a sudden, suffering shows up, a marriage really starts to struggle, a job disappeared, some kind of bad health diagnosis or an injury, all of a sudden a child walks away from the faith or is not talking to them.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then suddenly the version of Christianity that they had built, they don't know what to do with it.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know how to handle that pain because performance has nothing to say about suffering.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Only relationships do.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you base your whole entire faith life based on looking like you got it all together or this performance, then when suffering happens, real suffering, it will expose the cracks every single time.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm speaking from experience.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And can I tell you something that I've learned from this experience in my own life?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: When I fought these different battles over the years, when I became Catholic, there were addictions.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was addicted to gambling.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was fighting all the time.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing drugs and drinking almost every single night.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of things that I wish that weren't part of my story.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: But now that I'm looking back, I don't think the deepest battle were any of those sins.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: The deepest battle I would always fight was the deeper issue, which was isolation.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because isolation gave those sins room to grow.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And the devil, he absolutely loves men who are separated.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just like in battle, when a person is off to themselves, he's easy to pick off.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: He's an easy target.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the devil, he doesn't need you to stop believing in God.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: He just needs you to believe that nobody would understand if they knew the truth.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Think about Genesis.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Adam and Eve, well, they sin.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: We know the story.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's the very first thing that they do?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: They hide.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: And sin, they isolate.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Grace.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Grace is what's necessary to restore communion.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why confession is so powerful.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're bringing what is hidden, the same tendency that we have to follow Adam and Eve, right?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is to hide after we sin.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And confession, well, confession brings that shame, that sin, brings it into the light.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: The devil's strategy hasn't changed from the very beginning of time.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: He still whispers, just hide, go and hide.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: But Jesus, he says, come into the light.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Come to me, those who are burdened.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the question I want you to wrestle with, who knows the version of you that you're trying to hide?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not the version that everybody sees at church for that one hour.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not the version that, you know, you try to show your coworkers when you're trying to get that promotion, the real version.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what I've watched over and over again that the men who stay faithful aren't necessarily the ones who are the smartest.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're not the ones who are most disciplined.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: They're not even the most that are the most knowledgeable.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've known men who couldn't explain church councils or or even encyclicals and things like that.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen ones who knew everything about the church.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: And both, well, both have quietly disappeared at times.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: But the difference almost always comes down to one thing.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: They have one other man who knows the truth, one man who asks them those hard questions.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: One man who notices, well, when they don't show up and when they disappear.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: That one man who isn't impressed by the car that they're driving or the The performance that they're putting on, or that promotion, right?
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow finds a way for men to really help change everything.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just having that one man to confide in.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because being known and still loved gives something that motivation can never do it.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Having somebody to share your struggles with who's not going to judge you because we know that that motivation comes and goes and feelings, well, they're up and down, they come and go as well.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: But being known even in your struggles by another man who sometimes are struggling with the same things that you are, that's something that you can literally lean into.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when you don't feel like it, it makes it a lot easier to have that somebody to confide in, somebody to help pick you up when you fall, help to support you, to help keep you accountable.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I don't go to my men's groups because I'm always feel like I'm so great or I have it all together or I'm really inspired.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And there's plenty of meetings and mornings where I don't feel like that.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: I go because I know someone across the table is going to ask me how I'm actually doing.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, I don't want to lie.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: And not because I'm afraid that they'll judge me, because I know that they won't, but because I know what brotherhood is.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know what I'm looking for in somebody else who's walking with somebody in the faith.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know what it's like to be the person who shows up and is just getting going in their faith, right?
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know that brotherhood isn't about just everybody pretending together to get together just to pretend.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's about growing together.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not about performing, not about a uh how great we are, but it's about what we are becoming.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Are we actually becoming disciples?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: People who can call themselves at the end of time.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Are we going to be saints?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what happens when a real turning point happens.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not when men all of a sudden become more disciplined or become more motivated, but when men become more honest.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've never watched honesty ever destroy a man's faith.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: I also wanted to end this in a way that feels hopeful instead of heavy.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Men don't just need to know what's wrong, they need to believe that there can actually be change.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do we actually do with all this?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't want this to be 20 minutes of just diagnosing the problem without giving you a path forward.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: The beautiful thing about following Christ is that he never exposes a wound without offering healing.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: So let me give you four things that you can actually do to genuinely change the trajectory of your spiritual life.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't just uh a magic uh four things, and all of a sudden overnight you're gonna be a saint.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: But over the next five years, let's see.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's how discipleship works.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's rarely dramatic, it's faithful, it's something that takes plenty of time over and over again, showing up day in and day out.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing is find one man.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't need 10, you don't even need 12, you don't need the inner circle.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: You just need one man willing to walk with you.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have that guy in your life, then make it your mission to find him this week.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have him, ask God to put a man into your life that you are comfortable enough to share your faith and your struggle with.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's somebody from your parish, or maybe it's somebody from your men's group, or maybe it's a childhood friend, someone you've respected but never really opened up to.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Text them, call them.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, pray for them, invite them out to coffee.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't got to make it complicated.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to say, like, hey, uh, will you become my accountability partner?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of lame, right?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Just say, hey, I want to take my faith, you know, more serious.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go take it to the next level.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that I'm meant to do this alone.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know I see you at group, I talk to you all the time.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's usually about sports or the weather, but hey, would you want to grab coffee sometime?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: I love to chat.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's enough.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Every great friendship starts with just one conversation.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, set a floor instead of a ceiling.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: This might be one of the biggest practical lessons that I've learned that most men fail because they build impossible expectations.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pray a holy hour every single day in front of the blessed sacrament, or I'm gonna go to daily mass for the rest of my life, or I'm gonna pray all 20 decades with a rosary, or I'm never gonna miss this or that, or I'm gonna do this, which are all great goals and very possible.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: But don't confuse your ceiling with your floor.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sealing is what you're aiming for.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's the goal, right?
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: But your floor is what you still do when life falls apart, because life is gonna fall apart.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: It definitely will.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Kids are gonna get sick, back injuries happen, and work gets overwhelming, marriages go through difficult seasons, right?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And people have hard times, and that's that's normal.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: But your floor should survive your worst week.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the floor is just one decade of the rosary, maybe it's just five minutes of silence before you go to bed.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just reading one paragraph of scripture as soon as you wake up in the morning, or maybe it's just praying one sincere, super slow Our Father, where you're actually praying it instead of just rambling words.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, make it small enough that your worst day can't even take that away.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because consistency beats intensity every single time.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Third, ask better questions.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: When you find that one brother, don't ask, hey, how's your prayer life?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or how's a marriage going?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Those things, they're a little bit too easy.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody knows the answer that.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: We got those church answers, right?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: But instead ask maybe, hey, what's been the hardest part of following Christ this week?
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or something even a little bit different.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, where have you felt discouraged lately?
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or hey, where are you struggling?
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or what's the what's the cross that you're carrying that nobody else even knows about or you haven't talked about?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: These kind of questions are personal, right?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: But they help change conversations and they help change communion and relationships.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: They move you from just mere information about somebody or about yourself to helping pave that way for actual transformation.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be afraid of silence.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most important thing that you can do for another man is sometimes just give him enough space to tell the truth.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it takes a second to open up.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And fourth, give him permission to come after you.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: This one can really help change everything.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it definitely did.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Tell him ahead of time, hey, if I disappear, don't believe me when I just say I'm busy.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Call me, text me, right?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that could be a way sometimes that we run, right?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Knock on my door if you have to.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: To have friends like that, because here's what I actually realized after years is that when we're drifting, we rarely ask for help.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Men, we have a really hard time with this.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I've struggled with it too, because our shame tells us to isolate, to go into isolation.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Pride tells us, hey, you know what, we got it all figured out, we can do this ourselves.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're we're self-made, right?
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the very moment that we need community the most is usually the moment where we're tempted to avoid it.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: So make that decision now.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: Before you ever need it, tell somebody if I disappear, come and get me.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's not weakness, that is wisdom.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now let me just say something that uh to the men who are actually leading, who are out there in front of guys trying to help guys become better, because I know some of you are watching.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Don't measure success by attendance or numbers.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's hard.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: We live in America, everything is numbers and and metrics, right?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, I've been there.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to have those great numbers, which is great.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I've wondered if anybody was actually changing.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've wondered if those early mornings were worth it.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've wondered if anybody would notice if I stopped.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: But then I realized something that God never asked me to produce fruit.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: He just asked me to be faithful.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: The fruit belongs to him.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: Our job is to follow him and be obedient.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: There have been so many moments in my life where I didn't see what God was doing until I looked backwards.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't until sometimes years later that a conversation that I barely remembered changed someone's life.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: I have too many to count.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a beautiful thing to see how God works.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, even an invitation where I invited somebody where I just was passionate about it and I share with them, I seen that person five years later and they're they're leading a group that I was inviting them to on a national stage because of that one conversation I had.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: Performance isn't up to us.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're just called to be faithful.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a Bible study can really help somebody.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't know that one word of wisdom that when you continually be faithful and you show up is that that can help somebody maybe who had been to confession in a long time to go to confession.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a workout can become a friendship.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: And a friendship, well, that could become accountability.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: And accountability can help maybe save somebody's marriage or save their job or a relationship with their kids.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't always get to see what the fruit or the harvest looks like.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you just have to plant a seed.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: I like to say, grow seeds, not logs.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: We want that finished product.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: We want to see what we're doing is producing that fruit.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: But our job is to plant seeds.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that, well, that's enough in God's eyes.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a wife and you're still watching this, let me say something to you as well.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask your husband tonight, hey, did you do your devotional today?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or hey, are you still reading that scripture?
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ask him instead, who's the man in your life that really knows how you're doing?
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: Encourage him to have a guy who he can grow in faith with.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: We know that David had Jonathan, right?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Those relationships to help run after Christ together.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: That question really gets underneath most of his behavior.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because if he has that relationship, then everything else kind of becomes a lot easier.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if he doesn't, that's probably where you should probably start.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would pray for him, obviously, but encourage him.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Encourage means to give him heart.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Give him your heart, support him, respect him, let him know that you love him.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: But remember, if you can't become his only accountability partner, not at least solely, you can't be the only accountability partner, right?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: He needs another man to help walk on this journey.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how it is, shoulder to shoulder.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because God designed men to help sharpen one another.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: As we know, that famous proverb said, iron sharpens iron.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to end where we started.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: 12 men walk into a room, six are left, and a few months later, for years, I thought that meant six men failed.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that anymore.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think somewhere in those first six weeks, some men found a brother and others didn't.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've watched enough men now that I believe something different.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been vindicated and convicted at the same time that I need to do a better job of helping foster those relationships, even within the Bible studies, even within those groups, that I help other men to find that accountability person.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because men don't drift because they lose their faith, they drift because they lose connection.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the opposite is true too.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: They stay faithful because somebody knows them, somebody notices when they're gone, somebody calls when, well, they disappear.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody reminds them that Jesus hasn't stopped pursuing them, even when they stop pursuing him.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I've watched isolation destroy all kinds of men.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you made it this far, thanks.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: But don't let this just be another video you've watched.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Pick up your phone, text a man, set up a coffee, have that one honest conversation.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait till you are in a crisis.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: Start building those bridges now before you need to cross it.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because one day you're gonna be grateful that you did.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're the guy who's already drifted, well then maybe that this is your invitation to come home.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you got everything figured out, and not because you suddenly all of a sudden became holy, simply because the father has never stopped looking for you, never stopped pursuing you.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: He isn't waiting to shame you, he's waiting to embrace you.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: He wants you, just like that story of the prodigal son, that there the father is out there pursuing you, waiting for you to wrap his arms around you.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: The father didn't stand on that porch in the prodigal son story with his arms crossed.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: He ran.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's the heart of God.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: He runs towards those repentant sons, and maybe today's the day that you stop hiding.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe today's the day that you stop calling it busy.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe today's the day that you let yourself be known.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because the church doesn't need more men who look like they have it all together.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: She needs more men who are willing to walk towards Christ together.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if this conversation helped you, I'd love to hear from you.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love for you to share it with another man, not because, well, they want another view or another video, but because they are men sitting in the pews every single Sunday carrying these burdens, just like me.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is a conversation that helps remind them that they don't have to do it alone.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is the kind of content that you're looking for, I'd love for you to subscribe.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: Katie and I will continue bringing you marriage conversations and things about family, discipleship.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I really also want to share some things where I'm just talking to men as well.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, remember you don't become a saint by never failing.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: You become a saint by refusing to stay isolated when you do.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: God bless you, and I'll see you in the next episode.