Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep30: High Time: 420 Minutes of Comedy 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep30: High Time: 420 Minutes of Comedy 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:05
SPEAKER_06: I came home from the road.
0:07
SPEAKER_06: This is not long ago.
0:08
SPEAKER_06: I've been gone for if you can picture, I was gone for weeks and weeks.
0:12
SPEAKER_06: And when I came back, uh, nobody was home.
0:16
SPEAKER_06: Now one person in my family thought that uh maybe I'd like to see them when I got back.
0:21
SPEAKER_06: Like, they knew when I was coming back, but they just weren't, they just weren't home.
0:26
SPEAKER_06: And that shit was a wake-up call.
0:29
SPEAKER_06: You know, like when my kids were little, and the tour bus would pull up to the house, these motherfuckers would spill out.
0:37
SPEAKER_06: Dad is home, hooray! And they'd hug me and kiss me, and then as the years went on, they'd get less interested.
0:45
SPEAKER_06: Hey everybody, look, it's Mr.
0:47
SPEAKER_06: Promises back from the road.
0:54
SPEAKER_06: But empty house, that's some cold shit.
1:00
SPEAKER_06: And I went into my older son's room.
1:02
SPEAKER_06: I was like, hello, hello?
1:03
SPEAKER_06: He was gone.
1:04
SPEAKER_06: And I'd never done this to him before, but for some reason I just did it.
1:07
SPEAKER_06: I just I just looked through his shit.
1:11
SPEAKER_06: Just to see who this motherfucker was becoming.
1:15
SPEAKER_06: I found these notebooks and I started going through the notebooks, and it was all this wonderful poetry in them, written as his handwriting.
1:23
SPEAKER_06: I didn't even know this nigga wrote poems.
1:28
SPEAKER_06: And then I looked through his drawers and I opened up his middle drawer.
1:32
SPEAKER_06: And I found this rolling paper.
1:36
SPEAKER_06: And I looked down at them papers like, oh.
1:40
SPEAKER_06: That's where that poetry's coming from.
1:48
SPEAKER_06: And that shit broke my heart.
1:50
SPEAKER_06: I mean, I smoked weed, but I mourned my son's innocence.
1:54
SPEAKER_06: And I cried a little bit.
1:56
SPEAKER_06: And I took his papers upstairs to my room.
2:00
SPEAKER_06: Rolled some weed that I'd hit from the family.
2:04
SPEAKER_06: And I got really high.
2:06
SPEAKER_06: And then I got paranoid.
2:09
SPEAKER_06: So I put his papers back how I found them.
2:13
SPEAKER_06: So he wouldn't know what I was up to.
2:17
SPEAKER_06: This nigga won't even know that that happened until he sees his special.
2:23
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, nigga, I found your papers.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: But we as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal and so crazy for so many years, but also highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all.
2:51
SPEAKER_02: There's a 0% chance they will understand what we're talking about.
2:55
SPEAKER_02: It'd be like trying to tell a kid now, like, uh, hey, you know, pigeons used to deliver messages to people.
3:00
SPEAKER_02: They'd be like, the fuck are you saying right now?
3:03
SPEAKER_02: It'll be the same thing.
3:05
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna sit my son down one day and be like, you know, when I was your age uh to get weed, I almost died.
3:13
SPEAKER_02: And he'll be like, why?
3:14
SPEAKER_02: Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?
3:19
SPEAKER_02: They didn't sell it at 7-Eleven.
3:22
SPEAKER_02: Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.
3:27
SPEAKER_02: Where are we going?
3:28
SPEAKER_02: Chill out, alright.
3:35
SPEAKER_02: Three-hour round trips to buy weed.
3:38
SPEAKER_02: And if you're like, oh, what kind of weight were you moving?
3:40
SPEAKER_02: Uh$20 worth of marijuana.
3:44
SPEAKER_02: That kind of major shit.
3:47
SPEAKER_02: How about weed from a dude in a standalone trailer one time?
3:52
SPEAKER_02: Not a trailer park, a solo trailer.
3:56
SPEAKER_02: The most terrifying housing situation that exists.
4:00
SPEAKER_02: Like where other trailer people are like, get the fuck out of here.
4:02
SPEAKER_02: They kick him out.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: I just walk up to that shit, 15.
4:07
SPEAKER_02: This dude's like, You trying to get a sack?
4:09
SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh shit, yeah.
4:12
SPEAKER_02: He goes, we could go do that.
4:13
SPEAKER_02: I was like, alright, cool.
4:15
SPEAKER_02: And he goes, we just need to go get it.
4:16
SPEAKER_02: I was like, you don't fucking have it?
4:19
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that your sole responsibility?
4:22
SPEAKER_02: So I tried to play cool.
4:24
SPEAKER_02: I was like, all right, let's go get it.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: He goes, I'll go get it.
4:26
SPEAKER_02: You stay here and watch my place.
4:28
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, okay.
4:34
SPEAKER_02: And he goes, there's a 357 and a shotgun on my bed.
4:38
SPEAKER_02: Anybody comes in here, blast them.
4:42
SPEAKER_02: Inside, paralysis.
4:45
SPEAKER_02: But what I said was, that's what's up.
4:47
SPEAKER_02: Like, hey, and then he stopped at the door and he goes, but don't shoot my mom.
4:56
SPEAKER_02: I go, can we get a description before we agree to terms?
5:01
SPEAKER_02: How about a height and weight on old mom?
5:05
SPEAKER_05: I have good news, I finally smoked weed with my mom.
5:12
SPEAKER_05: Did it?
5:13
SPEAKER_05: Took me 36 years of campaigning, finally did it.
5:17
SPEAKER_05: Now, keep in mind, my mom is a 700-year-old Jew.
5:21
SPEAKER_05: Okay?
5:22
SPEAKER_05: Wasn't easy.
5:23
SPEAKER_05: No, she came in my house, we were in Los Angeles, and I'm driving around with my mom, and I go, Mom, smoke pot with me.
5:29
SPEAKER_05: She goes, No, it's illegal.
5:31
SPEAKER_05: And I go, No, it's not, it's legal now.
5:33
SPEAKER_05: And she goes, Oh, okay.
5:35
SPEAKER_05: Swear to God, it was that easy.
5:37
SPEAKER_05: So we went to my house, and I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her, and she can't inhale.
5:41
SPEAKER_05: She looks like Dizzy Gillespie the whole time.
5:46
SPEAKER_05: So I give her a little weed cookie, and then we start playing Scrabble, and then 20 or 30 minutes later, her eyes got all red, and she looked up at me and she goes, My mouth is dry.
5:58
SPEAKER_05: Is that part of the appeal?
6:01
SPEAKER_05: And then she snapped and she was like, Bring it in.
6:04
SPEAKER_05: Bill Cosby did it to it.
6:08
SPEAKER_05: I did it.
6:10
SPEAKER_05: And I haven't seen her since.
6:15
SPEAKER_04: My dad just found marijuana.
6:18
SPEAKER_04: 70 years old, started eating it every night.
6:21
SPEAKER_04: 20 milligrams, my mom says.
6:22
SPEAKER_04: Dad's eaten twice.
6:23
SPEAKER_04: That's what I said.
6:24
SPEAKER_04: I was like, that's a lot.
6:25
SPEAKER_04: I goes, are there any side effects?
6:27
SPEAKER_04: She goes, other than the fact that he calls me bro a lot?
6:29
SPEAKER_04: No.
6:32
SPEAKER_04: We go down to Tampa, spend some time with my parents.
6:35
SPEAKER_04: We're out on their dock, my whole family, my dad, my mom.
6:38
SPEAKER_04: You can tell when my dad's weed kicks in because he starts humming Jimmy Buffett songs.
6:44
SPEAKER_04: All of a sudden he just pops up, turns around us, he goes, Who wants to talk to an owl tonight, huh?
6:50
SPEAKER_04: I look at my mom, I go, How much weed is Harry Potter eating?
6:54
SPEAKER_04: My mom's like, No, he talks to an owl every night.
6:56
SPEAKER_04: Show him, Albert.
6:58
SPEAKER_04: My dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes, hoo.
7:02
SPEAKER_04: My idiot kids are like, Papa, should we hoot too?
7:04
SPEAKER_04: He's like, Yeah, come on, girls, we'll all hoot.
7:06
SPEAKER_04: Let's do it.
7:07
SPEAKER_04: Here we go.
7:08
SPEAKER_04: Now the three of them are on the edge of the dock, like three cribs letting them know cops are in the neighborhood.
7:20
SPEAKER_04: Five minutes goes by.
7:22
SPEAKER_04: Five minutes, we don't hear a sound.
7:24
SPEAKER_04: I look at my dad, I go, hey dad, maybe we should sit down.
7:26
SPEAKER_04: I don't think your owl's out tonight.
7:28
SPEAKER_04: He's like, Yeah, that's crazy.
7:29
SPEAKER_04: He's always out.
7:32
SPEAKER_04: Don't worry, we'll try again tomorrow, girls.
7:34
SPEAKER_04: Poor glass of wine.
7:36
SPEAKER_04: 30 seconds later, clear as a bell, all of us here.
7:43
SPEAKER_04: I get chilled.
7:46
SPEAKER_04: I look at my dad and I go, Dad, you're out.
7:50
SPEAKER_04: He's like, I told you, bro.
7:54
SPEAKER_04: He's like, I'll get him going.
7:55
SPEAKER_04: And once I get him going, we can all talk to him, alright?
8:01
SPEAKER_04: And right on top of the weird.
8:11
SPEAKER_04: My oldest daughter goes, Dad, I go, shut the fuck up.
8:13
SPEAKER_04: We're talking to an owl.
8:16
SPEAKER_04: She goes, Dad, I go, wait your turn, bitch.
8:18
SPEAKER_04: I'm next.
8:19
SPEAKER_04: She goes, Dad, look across the lake at the old man on his dock.
8:29
SPEAKER_04: Sure as shit, there's another drunk, blind old white man, just hoo! These two are like Ric Flair in a cave, just hoo!
8:44
SPEAKER_00: I went away on a lad's weekend.
8:47
SPEAKER_03: Oh, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads!
8:50
SPEAKER_00: I was with Digby and Rupert, and um quite the threesome.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I um that sounded less game in my head.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: That's the most overrated thing in the world, by the way, the threesome.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, this is a bit of an aside.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: I had a threesome once at school, okay?
9:08
SPEAKER_00: It was with this beautiful Italian exchange student called Maria and this chap called Munkford.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: And um, you just get in each other's way.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: Eventually I had to be like, I think it's probably best if you go and just leave us two together.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, she was very understanding.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: Munkford, odd chap, but a bloody good teacher.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: So, lad's weekend.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: Lad's weekend, okay.
9:39
SPEAKER_00: We went to Amsterdam, right?
9:41
SPEAKER_00: So we're in Amsterdam, uh, and me and my chums, Roops and Diggers, right?
9:44
SPEAKER_00: We're down this kind of back street, and um one of them, Diggers, oh, naughty guy.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: Okay, Diggers is smoking some of the Weedy Puff.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm not really into it, as you probably guessed, by the fact that I just called it Weedy Puff out loud.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: Weedy puff, weed.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: That's how normal people talk, Jack.
10:02
SPEAKER_00: No, so he was smoking some weed, and he turned to me and he went, you know, Jack, do you want to have a suck on this?
10:07
SPEAKER_00: Uh not not suck, not suck, that is not the word that he used.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: That is not what he stories going really well.
10:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was down a backstreet with one of my friends and he asked if I want to have a suck on this.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: That is not I'm having a brain bug.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Well, not suck.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: What's the word?
10:24
SPEAKER_00: Puff! Thank you to the crackle down the front.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: I uh do you want to have a puff on this weed?
10:30
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I said no, because you know, we're in public, it's not a great look.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: What if someone sees?
10:36
SPEAKER_00: He went, Jack, two things.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: Firstly, it's legal.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: Secondly, we're in Holland, no one knows who the fuck you are.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: Smoke it.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not proud, okay?
10:46
SPEAKER_00: I gave in to the peer pressure.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: This is why you cannot smoke a spliff on the street in the year 2017.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: I shit you not, as I put this spliff to my lips, I looked up on the bloody Google Maps cover for the 350.