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The Good Girl · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother with Me podcast. Muma Me
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. This
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: podcast is recorded on This episode contains discussion of domestic violence,
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: which may be distressing for some listeners. If you or
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: someone you know is affected, support resources are listed in
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: the show notes. Starting fresh it can be a wonderful, scary,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and exciting thing. You can leave an old life behind
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: and start discovering a whole new way of living, new experiences,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: finding new people, and finding yourself.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: I wanted to learn how to be naughty again because
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I feel like before I met my ex husband, I
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: was a bit of a wild child, used to go
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: to parties and get crazy, and I'd forgotten that version
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: of me. And I knew that this man was going
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: to be the man to teach me how to find
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: her again. It was so exciting. It was the most
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: thing I'd done in my adult life.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: While those new experiences may seem fun and exciting in
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: the beginning, they sometimes can take a dark and dangerous turn.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I reversed into a light post while he's throwing giant
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: logs of firewood at the car, smashing every panel on it.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: He grabbed the side mirror and ripped it off. He
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: was kicking the doors. He was like jumping on the
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: bonnet while I'm trying to reverse and get away. And
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: then I managed to get away. All the windows were smashed.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I couldn't see out of the windscreen, so I was
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: just like driving kind of with my head out the window.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: It was the middle of winter, I was freezing cold,
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: and I tried to drive into town to the police station.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Meet Dee
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: married had been with her husband for sixteen years and
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: had two amazing daughters, but at this stage of life,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: things with her husband just didn't feel right.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: I was thirty two, I was working as a fitness
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: instructor at a gym, and I was going through a
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: rather toxic divorce with the father of my children. We
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: have two daughters together, and I just kind of realized
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: that I'd been living my entire life by his rules
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: and I was very much just his little wifey and
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: I had no say in anything that happened in my life,
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: and going to the gym became my escape. So I
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: started going more and more. I'd tell him that I
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: was working, and I would just go to the gym
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: and work on choreography and spend hours on end there
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: just to get away from him. And it was kind
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: of like my safe haven.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: And it was there she noticed Adam.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: When the divorce was all getting a bit crazy. I
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: started to notice this one particular person in the gym
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: who seemed to be there all hours of the day
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: as well, and he looked absolutely insane. He had a
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: bright red mullet, he was covered in tattoos. He didn't
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: seem to give any care to what anyone thought of him,
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: and I would always notice him noticing me in the gym.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: I was like, nobody's looked at me. For a long time,
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: my relationship with my ex partner was very dull. We
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: slept in separate bedrooms for like the last three years
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: of our marriage, and I felt like a queen, Like
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: I felt like the way that he looked at me,
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: he would just worship the ground that I walked on,
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: this phenomenal set of pecks on him that I just
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: wanted to touch. And yeah, he just looked like a
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: real good time, like he had a sense of humor,
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: and the way that he walked, he walked like he
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: knew he was the shit. And I was attracted to
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: him like a moth to a flame to a literal flame.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: So when she was officially separated d he made the
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: first move and asked for his number.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: And then I went from there. We were texting each
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: other NonStop, like flat out all day long what I
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: wasn't at the gym. And it took another few weeks
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: for us to organize the time to actually get together
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: and talk like people in person. And I was so
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: nervous because I just thought, why would a cool guy
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: like this be interested in talking to a boring little
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: wifey of two kids. So we met up and we
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: just sat in the car park of the gym and
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: had a good chat, and he was hilarious. I'd never
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: met anybody as funny as him, Like my cheeks hurt
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: after an hour, and we just sat on the curb
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: in the car park and just talked about stuff, about nothing,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: and the two of us were just laughing so much
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: that it felt amazing, like it was the best distraction
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: from all the crap that I was going through at home,
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: and we sort of talked for a few more weeks,
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: didn't really do anything. And then my ex husband refused
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: to leave the house. You refused to accept the fact
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: that we were separated, And so I was leaving the
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: house and staying in airbnb's as often as I could.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: And then I'd wake up at five o'clock in the
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: morning to go get the kids ready for school. I'd
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: make their lunches, I'd go back there, I'd drop them
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: off at school. I'd then pick them up from school,
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: take them back home, put them to bed, and then
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: go to my airbnb. So I said to my ex husband,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: the divorce is happening. There's going to be time Like
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: he wanted fifty to fifty custody. So I was like,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: there's going to be times where I'm not here and
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: you're going to have to figure it out on your own.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: So I'm getting an airbnb and I'm going to go
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: stay there for the weekend, and you're on your own
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: with the kids this weekend. And the dirty little hornbag
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: that I am invited Adam to come to the airbnb
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: with me, just because I wanted to have fun He
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: showed up to the Airbnb on his motorbike and he
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: was wearing a jacket which had the name of his
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: club on it, and I questioned him about what that meant,
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: and his responses were quite flippant. He said, Oh, you know,
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: you don't need to worry about us, where the good
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: guys bikes in our state aren't like they are in
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: other states where they have gun fights and all that
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: sort of thing. And it's nothing like what you've seen
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: in Sons of Anarchy. That's just dramatized things for TV.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: And I ate it up. I ate up everything that
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: he said. I wanted to believe he was a good
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: guy because he made me feel so good, like he
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: did such a good job of making me want to
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: believe everything that came out of his mouth. Just having
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: his attention felt like sparkly, like it felt like a drug.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: He kept saying things like, I've never felt like this
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: about anyone before, and I don't think I've ever really
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: been in love until now, Like you seem to get me.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: You feel amazing, like when we hug, it feels like heaven.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: And I was feeling all the same things, but I
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: feel like because he said it, it made me feel
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: like I felt it more.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: It felt natural with a side of fun and exciting.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: A case of two worlds, and Adam was exposing d
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: to a whole new world.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: The relationship kind of felt like this teacher student relationship.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Even though I was older than him, he'd lived so
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: much more life, He'd been through so many more experiences
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: than me. I'd never taken drugs, I'd never done anything
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: even slightly naughty. I was just your run of the mill,
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: white picket fence wife, and he'd done all the naughty things,
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: and I wanted some of that. I wanted to learn
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: how to be naughty again, because I feel like before
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: I met my ex husband, I was a bit of
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: a wild child. He used to go to parties and
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: get crazy, and I'd forgotten that version of me. And
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: I knew that this man was going to be the
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: man to teach me how to find her again. Yeah.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: It was so exciting. It was the most exciting thing
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I'd done in my adult life. He started to build
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: this reality that everybody takes drugs, everybody goes out, everybody parties,
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: everybody drinks until they're spewing in the bushes, everybody's cheating
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: on each other, everybody's got a criminal record. Like That's
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: what he normalized to me, and it made me feel
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: a little bit naive and inferior. So I wanted to
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: experience those things. We went into town that night and
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: had a few drinks and got a bit sloppy, and
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: then went back to my Airbnb, and in the uber
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: on the way home, he starts crying, and I was like,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: what's the matter, and he's like, I just I love
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: you so much and I think you're too good for
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: me and you're going to leave me like everyone else
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: has left me, and my being a raging m path,
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: I was like, well, buddy, no, I love you too,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: like let me fix you. And so he carried on
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: like that for like the whole night, just kept like
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: really pushing me away. He was getting really upset. He's like,
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: I really do think that you're out of my league,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: and I kept trying to like reassure him, like, no,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: we're just we're having fun, Like I really like you.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I've never felt this way about anyone else. I felt
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: like it was really pushing me to say those things
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: back to him, whether I felt it or not, and yeah,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: the next morning when it slept, the booze off like.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: I didn't quite believe what had happened because I never
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: really my ex husband was very dry, no emotions, and
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: I'm quite an emotional sensitive person. So for me to
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: see a man cry at triggered something in me. I
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: was like, Oh, this is special. He must really feel
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: real feelings for me, not like my ex husband, who
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: was a dry crack off. I pushed through and I
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: didn't really address it with him the next morning, and
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: then he sort of said to me, look, I'm sorry.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: I don't really handle my drink well. And I was
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: like okay. He's like, I won't let it happen again,
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: like I'll keep my shit together in future, and I
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: was like, yeah, cool, it's like I just do feel
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: really strong feeling for you. And I was like, okay, cool.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: First fight out of the way, and it.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Wasn't really a fight. They'd been seeing each other for
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: two months and she was having the time of her life.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: She felt free. And to add to that freedom, do
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: you secured herself for rental her own space and Adam
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: was right there helping make her new space. Uh huh.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: He would help me put together furniture, and I loved
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: watching him do things with his hands, like he.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Was so.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Dexterous and he knew how to build stuff and that
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: was hot. Yeah, he kind of was quite heavily involved
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: in getting me settled. As soon as I got my
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: own space, it was like he marked his territory on it.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: He was like, I helped you build this, like I'm
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: familiar here, like this is my place too. And that
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: was a real challenge for USh, because there was that
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: real push pull of me trying to find my feet
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: as a single mum and him trying to figure out
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: where he fit in that equation, and me trying to
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: figure out where he fit in that equation. And was
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: he going to be a stepdad or was he just
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: someone that I wanted to have fun with. I was
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: of the thought that he was just somebody else going
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: to have fun with. I thought we were just going
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: to fool around, no commitment. And he was saying he
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: wanted to be exclusive with me and didn't want to
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: date anybody else, and he knew that I was the
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: person that he loved, so he said he wanted to
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: be exclusive, and I said I wasn't ready for that,
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: but he was so insistent that I believed that he
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: wanted to be exclusive, and so I was like, Okay,
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: well I have a boyfriend. Now you're my boyfriend, and
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: we're doing this relationship thing. There was just so much
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: much passion when we saw each other. We were all
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: over each other. I'd sneak him in the house in
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: the nighttime when my kids were asleep, and we'd have sex,
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: and then I'd be like waking him up at the
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: crack of dawn, like go on, get going, like sneak
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: out the front door. I felt like a real piece
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: of shit for doing that, but I feel like he
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: really pressured me into it. I wasn't obviously ready to
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: introduce him to my kids, so that's when I started
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: inviting him in when my kids were asleep and when
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: they were at their dad's house. I would spend all
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: of my time with him. We were inseparable. We would
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: just go on adventures everywhere. We'd go mountain biking, we'd
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: ride down to the coast and then go for lunch.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: We'd just go on these wild adventures. We'd go bushwalking,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: we would go to the beach, we'd take the dogs
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: to the beach, and I felt like these adventures that
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: we went on started to wake me up a bit.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: I started to feel alive again, like I actually was
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: a person worthy of these kinds of experiences. And we
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: would just be cracking up all day long with everything
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: that we did. We were laughing until our cheeks hurt,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: and just doing such silly stuff like running around the
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: bush like crazy people, like trying to jump out of
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: bushes and scare the crap out of each other, or
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: just fun, so much fun. I definitely was falling in
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: love with him. I was the one that said I
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: love you first, and it was quite scary for me.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: I was absolutely head over heels for him. I felt
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: like this was the man that I was supposed to marry,
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: This was the man that was meant for me. We
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: were just on the same wavelength and it felt right.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: He had skills in the bedroom. I just felt this
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: insane sexual awakening, which made the whole experience that much
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: more exciting and actually feel beautiful. Was a very new
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: experience for me. I'd never really looked at myself as
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: someone who was sexy. No one made me feel as
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: beautiful as he did. Like just the way that he
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: looked at me the way that he could read every
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: little thing about me, read every little emotion that I had,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: and see a need and then fulfill it.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: Six months in and Dee's life had completely changed, and
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: now it was about to take a turn socially as well.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: I'd never really had a big friend group, so the
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: clicking group of the gym was all of these women
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: who were all too cool to talk to me, And
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: once they found out that I was dating Adam, they
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: seemed to change their minds about me. So they invited
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: us to their Melbourne cup lunch that they were having
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: at their place. So we went to the pub for
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: drinks and then went back to their place for the party,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: and he started to do the thing again where he
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: gets a couple too many drinks in him and his
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: personality starts to change. And there was this girl and
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: her boyfriend at the party that were talking to me,
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: and I was talking to them and having a great time,
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: and he came up to me and he said, have
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: they invited you for a threesome yet? And I was like, no,
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: what do you mean? And he's like, you can't see
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: the way that she's flirting with you? And I was like, no,
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: we're just having a talk. And he's like, they want
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: to fuck you. And I was like, okay, well I
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: don't want to fuck them. He's like, well, why do
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: you keep talking to them then? And I was like,
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: I'm at a party. I'm socializing. This is what you
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: do when you socialize. He's like, you want to fuck
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: him too. I was like, no, I'm here with people
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: from the gym, which is where I work. Can you
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: keep a shit together please? And he was absolutely hammered
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: by this point. And then he gets on his motorbike
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: and everyone's like trying to take the keys off him
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: because he was obviously too drunk to ride, and he
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: fangs it out of the driveway, rides up the street
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: and crashes. And I had no phone reception where I was,
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: so I didn't know he'd crashed. And by that point,
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: you know, my mood had changed as well, because he'd
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: just accused me of wanting to have a threesome with
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: these people. So I asked one of the girls at
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: the party to take me home, and she took me home,
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: and then when I got home, I got all these messages.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: He sent me a celf fear of himself covered in blood,
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: with his eyes closed, laying on the ground, and he said,
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: this is your fault. I tried calling him. I tried
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: calling him and he wouldn't answer his phone. I called
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: his mum because at this point I had a relationship
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: with his parents. He'd introduced me to his family. We
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: were quite friendly. He had a great family, very supportive family,
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: and they treated me well. I called his mom and
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: I was like, have you heard from Adam? I just
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: got a bunch of messages on my phone and he
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: said he's crashed his bike and he thinks he's broken
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: his leg and where is he? Do you know where
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: he is? And she's like, no where. We've just got
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: word and we're sending some people out to go find
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: him because it was a rural location, so there were
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: lots of places you could crash and not be found.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: So I got in the car and I drove up
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: to their place and I walk in the house and
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: he's just sitting there on the couch being fed dinner
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: by his mum. And I said to her, what the fuck?
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: Why wouldn't you think to message me and tell me
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: that he's okay. He's just I thought he was dead,
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: And she was like, Okay, calm down. And I felt
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: like that was a bit of a setup, like he
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: wanted them to witness me losing it so that when
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: he lost it, there was proof that I was the
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: crazy one.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: He needed time and space to think about what the
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: future held for her and Adam. As luck may have it,
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: she had a road trip planned for a friend's wedding,
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: the perfect time to clear the head and have a
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: little alone time. Also, she thought.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: He knew when I was going, and he showed up
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: on my doorstep the day before and he was very apologetic.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: He turned on the water works again and told me
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: how much he loved me and said, look, just let
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: me come on the road trip with you, and we'll
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: spend some time together and we'll sort it all out.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: So of course I said yes. We went on the
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: road trip, and then everything was honky dory again and
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: we were loved up and it was the best road trip.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: We had so much fun, frolicking around the beach and
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: listening to tragic music on the car ride down and back,
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: and yeah, we were back, we were back, And.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: From then it was full steam ahead. They even got
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: their own house together, and soon DE started to see
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: what Adam's life was really like.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: It was when we moved in together that I started
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: to get more of an idea of his life behind
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: the scenes and what that meant as far as being
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: in the club. I was told when we got a
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: house that all of the members of his club needed
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: to know where he lived and needed to be able
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: to come over at a moment's notice. And I said, no,
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: that's not going to fly with me. I have children.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: I don't want Rando's in my house all the time.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: And he would throw at me that I was judgmental
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: and stuck up and a rich bitch, and so I
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: bend a little bit and I would say, you can
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: have them over, but I need to know when they're
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: coming over. I need to know who they are. If
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: they do come over, then they don't come in the
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: house when my kids are there. There were people I
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: didn't know, and they were criminals. That's the assumption you
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: make about bikeys. Yeah, And then I started to meet
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: more of them, and I'm like, yeah, these dudes are rough.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: And I understood why people would say that Adam didn't
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: look like a bikey because he had all of his teeth,
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: he didn't have face tattoos. He was washed and these
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: other guys were not. I was a bit naive about
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: what bikeys were, and he was always going to parties
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: and inviting me to these parties, but I wasn't really
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: keen on going to parties with bi keys. But after
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: a while my curiosity peaked. He invited me to a
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: party at their clubhouse, and so I went along, and
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: my first impression was that it was actually really nice,
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: like they had some carpentry skills. Everything was wood paneled
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: and varnished and custom built. There was like framed pictures
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: everywhere of like past club members and founding members, and
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: I'm a history nerd, so I found that quite interesting.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: It was kind of like a museum in there, but
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: it was like a big party house museum. There were
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: pool tables, there was a stage, there was tripper poles,
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: there was a giant bar. There was big fire pits
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: in the back, and they had a band on and
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: we got drunk and danced. I danced with all the
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: girlfriends of the other club members, and they were all
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: pretty rough, and I did sort of notice a general
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: theme with most of the women that were hanging around
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: the club, and that was that they all had this
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: glazed overlook in their eyes, and they all looked like
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: they'd seen some shit, and I was ignorant enough to
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: believe that that would never be me. I was dating
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: the good bikey. All the rest of those bikeys were
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: the dirty, gross ones, and the one that I got
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: was the good guy, and we were the King and Queen.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: When I started to meet more people from the club,
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: I became more familiar with them, and then I'd be like, Okay, well,
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: Martin can come over the drinks because I know him
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: and he doesn't gross me out that much. But then
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: Martin would come over and he'd bring Jack with him,
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, okay, well I'm meeting Jack, and then
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: I know Jack, and you know, they're nice to your face,
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: and you you don't want to be a bit about it,
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: so you're like, Okay. Then the next time it's Martin
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: and Jack are coming over, and then Martin and Jack
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: and Steve come over, and I guess I kind of
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: just got slowly indoctrinated to the things that you have
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: to turn a blind eye to as the girlfriend of
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: a bikey. They'd show up at all random times to
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: pick him up to go and do god knows what,
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: and I was just like, Okay, he's off to go
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: do BIKEI things, and that just became normal.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: It was also when they moved in together, D started
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: to uncover a few of Adam's dirty little secrets.
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: He tells me that we had to apply for the
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: rental under my name and not his because he wouldn't
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: pass the checks that the real estate agents would do
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: because he had a creminal record. He told me about
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: the fact that the police liked to set him up
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: for certain things. He couldn't go anywhere without the police
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: stopping him. Apparently they would plant drugs on him, and
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: so I did sort of believe that his criminal record
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: would or could possibly have stemmed from that. I also
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: felt like I didn't want to know. The more that
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: I knew, then my options would be limited and I
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: would lose respect for him and fall out of love
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: with him, and I wasn't ready to do that. I
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: was so in love with him that I didn't want
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: to see any of the negative things. The area that
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: I lived in was quite a wealthy, upper class area
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: that my kids went to school in, and there was
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: a lot of judge people that went there. Word got
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: out about town that I was dating a bikey and
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: when i'd go to school drop off and pick up,
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: I could see everybody talking about me behind my back,
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: and so I feel like I sort of withdrew from
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: that community. I isolated myself a little bit more. I
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: was like, Oh, they all think I'm a biky mole.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: They aren't gonna want to be friends with me. So
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: I just kind of like backed off. I'd put my
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: sunglasses on and I'd walk up to the class grab
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: my kid, and I wouldn't say hih to anyone. And Yeah,
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: I isolated myself because I thought they don't understand him,
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: they don't understand me, they I don't understand us.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Well, things weren't all rosy behind closed doors.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: There was a constant push pool while living with him.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: I felt like when we were living together, he thought
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: he had me, and a lot of the bad behavior
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: started to get worse. He would go out all hours
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: of the night. He'd go to parties. It was kind
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: of his job to go to parties, and I was
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: fine with that because I was at home with my
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: kids doing my own thing. And after a while it
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: became a problem because he would come home drunk and
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: he would get nitpicky with me. It was usually a
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: space of about a month where everything would be fantastic,
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: and then at least once a month, he would do
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: something to just destroy all of our lives. He would
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: get drunk and he would start smashing things up because
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: this was our house. Now it wasn't my house. One
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: time we came home from a party and he told
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: me that I was dancing too sexy on the dance floor,
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: and when we got home he grabbed me by the
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: throat and helped me up against the wall until I
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: started to black out, and he were saying things like,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: you're a slut, You're obviously cheating on me with everybody.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: You don't love me, You're just using me for fun.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: At that point when I started to black out, I realized,
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: this is the moment that I die, and I've got
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: to make choice as to whether I fight back. And
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: I thought, all right, just take a swing, so I did.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: I hit him in the face and I chipped his
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: front tooth. It snapped him out of it. But then
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: he had proof from then on that I was the
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: abusive one, and he told his family that I got
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: drunk and I smacked him in the face and I
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: broke his tooth. And they already believed that I was
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: crazy because they'd seen me show up at his house
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: that night that he crashed his motorbike fuming, So it
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: was just small validation for them about the fact that
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: I was the problem. He liked to hit me in
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: the throat whenever there was a disagreement, like he would
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: do it so like really fast, Like he'd be screaming
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: at me, screaming in my face, telling me about how
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: I was gonna murder my kids and kill my dog
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: and smash everything I owned, and he would just hit
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: me really fast with like a a blade hand to
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: the throat to just go like really fast, and then
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: pretend like it never happened. So it was like it
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: happened so fast that I was like shocked. But then
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: when i'd say to him the next day, like you
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: hit me, it would be like, I don't remember doing that.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: I just get amnesia when I drink. I can't remember.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: I can't remember doing that. I think you made it up.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: I told so many lies to cover for him. From
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: the outside looking in, I was doing great. I was
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: dating this crazy guy, and it was it was fine and.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: On top of the physical abuse, d was about to
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: make it another sinister discovery.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: We got together with that group from the gym again
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: for a barbecue. They invited us to a barbecue, and
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: We're having a great night until he started getting a
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: bit more drunk, and then he started to say things
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: to me like, look at Joey. She looks really cute tonight,
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: and I'd be like, yeah, she does. And then he
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: like come up to me again and be like, Joey's
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: really having a great time with those kids, and come
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: up to me again and I'd be like, you're having
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: a good time. He's like, I wonder where Joey got
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: those pants from, and I'd be like, yeah, okay. So
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: I started to get a bit jealous because this girl
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: was single and she was like the younger one of
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: the group, and I could see this was going to shit.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: So I excused myself and I left the party and
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: I left him there, and when I went to leave,
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: I couldn't find my phone. I knew he'd taken my
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: phone and hidden it somewhere because he didn't want me.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: He didn't want to start a text fight after that,
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: so I decided to go home anyway, and leave my
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: phone there. And when I got home, I got my
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: iPad out and I pined my phone just to double
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: check where it was. And I was like, I need
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: my phone because I know he's going to come home drunk.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: He's going to start a fight, and I won't be
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: safe and I'll have no way to call for help.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: Because where we lived it was quite isolated. No one
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: would hear you scream. So I took my iPad with me.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: I drove back up the hill to this party. I
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: pined my phone and waited for the sound to happen.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: It was in the bushes miles away. He'd thrown it
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: in the bushes, and so I found my phone and
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: I went back through the side gate just to let
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: everyone know that I'd found my phone, because everybody was
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: looking for my phone, trying to help me find it,
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: and I saw them all smoking myth. It was like
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: they'd waited for me, the good girl, to go home,
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: so they could all start smoking meth and then have
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: an orgy. He told me about this group of people,
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: how they were all fucking each other, and I was
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: just normal, that's what people did. So they didn't see
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: me because I was just looking through the window like
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: a little peeping tom. I was just like whoa and
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: got in my car and drove home. My head was spinning.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: He told me that he had involvement with drugs, but
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: I didn't really want to know anything about that because
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: I kind of felt like the more that I knew,
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: the more danger I was in, and he sort of
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: led me to believe that as well, like the less
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: I knew about what he did, the better because if
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: whatever reason, the police did ever come after him, I
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: wouldn't be a source of information. So I had no
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: idea what level of involvement he had with drugs. That night,
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: when I got back home, my dog was playing with something,
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: and I was like, what have you got? She's running
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: around the house with this big plastic ziplock bag and
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: I grabbed it off her and I like studied it,
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: and I was like, what are those crystals in there?
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: That looks like it must be some kind of drug.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: So I googled what meth looked like, and sure enough,
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: it was meth. Then I realized that the source of
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: that meth at the party was my boyfriend. He'd snuck
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: back to my house, which is where he was keeping
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: his drugs. Buried in the garden, and while he was drunk,
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: I think one of his mates from the party had
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: driven him back to my house to get the drugs
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: and then drive back when I didn't notice, I was
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: talking with somebody else, and I realized there was meth
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: all over my kitchen bench where I make my children sandwiches,
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: and I thought to myself, how many times has he
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: done this? And how much contraband is being stored at
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: my house that I don't know about. I lost a
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: lot of respect for him when I figured out that
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: he was the person that supplied that. And then after
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: that I sort of said to him, look, I don't
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: know how to get past this. And he was like,
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: let's go to couple's therapy and I was like, oh, okay,
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: let's do that. So we did therapy. He found this
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: lady who did therapy from home. She was retired, and
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: she went through a few sessions with us. He usually
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: ended up storming out in a fit of rage whenever
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: I called him out on anything, but it felt good
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: because I had a witness and I could say things
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: in front of her, and if he did get wild,
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: then I was somewhat safe because there was a witness,
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: and so I thought couple's therapy was a good option.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: At least he was acknowledging that there was a problem,
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: But it came apparent pretty quickly that the problem was me,
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: and I felt like the couple's therapist found him quite
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: attractive and ate up everything he said. And I was
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: spending thousands on this couple's therapy because I was in turmoil.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: I trusted this woman to fix the situation, and I
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: was paying two hundred and fifty bucks a session. I
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: never felt actually hurt like. I never felt like she
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: would acknowledge the fact. I wanted her so badly to
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: say to me, you're in an abusive relationship, but she
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: didn't see it. She thought I was immature and I
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: had some growing up to do, and basically validated everything
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: that he had said. In the end, she did eventually
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: say to me, look, you need to run, You need
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: a change phone number, you need to leave him, you
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: need to run. That was the only genuine moment that
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: I got out of her, and we were in therapy
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: for months. My mental health was never worse. I was
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: a broken shell of my former self. I had such
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: low self esteem. I never left the house and never
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: went out with my friends, because every time I did,
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: he would find a way to start a fight with
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: me before I left or while I was out, so
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: that I would have a terrible time. Whenever he went
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: away on one of his runs, he would make sure
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: he started a fight with me before he left, so
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: I would spend the entire time anxious waiting for the
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: fight that's about to come. He would tell me that
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: he was done with me, and he was going to
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: go find some girl in town tonight and have sex
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: with her, and I would just be beside myself, and
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: I would spend the entire weekend that he was away
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: crying and texting and crying and texting and texting and
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: crying and crying and texting and trying to call him.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: Then he'd block my number, and I was just spinning
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: out of control. I didn't know who I was anymore.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: D was trapped both physically and emotionally. This had become
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: her new normal, but she knew what made them both
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: the happiest, so she said about trying to make that happen.
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: We were going to go on a road trip to
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: a place that I'd always wanted to go to, and
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: he'd always wanted to go to. It was a four
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: hour drive away. I'd booked this beautiful air that was
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: a cabin in the mountains that overlooked the beach, and
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: I thought we were just going to go have this lovely,
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: loved up little weekend away in a cabin. And the
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: day that we were packing the car and leaving, he
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: said to me, oh, by the way, Roy's coming as
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: well and his wife. And I was like pardon, and
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: he's like, well, one of the rules of the club
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: is that when we go away, we have to invite
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: everyone else, and if anyone wants to come, then they're
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: always welcome. I was like, okay, could be fun. Roy
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: was an older gentleman who had had a hit replacement.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: And when we're halfway on the drive down, he informs
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: me that Roy and his wife will be taking the bedroom.
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: It was only a one bedroom cabin, but there were
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: pull out beds. I just assumed they would take the
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: pull out beds, and because I was paying for it,
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: I would get the bed. But no, he was his
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: superior and he'd had a hit replacement, so him and
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: his wife got the bed. I wasn't actually that well
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: at that time. I had a bit of a cold,
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: and the drive down there was like four and a
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: half hours, so by the time we got there, I
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: was pretty tired. It was nighttime and they all smoked,
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: and the smoke was really like irritating my throat and
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: my cough. So I decided to go to bed and
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: let them have their fun. So they're out on the
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: deck smoking and playing music and having a great time,
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: and so I pulled my little trundle bed out in
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: the kitchen and went to sleep on that and I
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: woke up to him standing over me, and I just
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: woke up. It was like, I don't think he touched
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: me or anything. I just knew he was there. And
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: he just said to me, what's your problem? And I
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: was like, I'm not feeling well. I've just gone I'm
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: going to bed, and he's like, you've been a bitch,
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: and I was like, can you just apologize to everyone?
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: I'm not well. I've had this cold. And the drive
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: was he didn't have his life since at the time,
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: so i'd driven down and I was like, I just
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: really need to go to sleep. Tomorrow we'll go explore
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: around the rocks and have a good time. I could
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: see because he get this glazed overlook in his eyes.
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: It was like his eyes would change color, his voice
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: would change, his posture would change, everything about him would change.
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: There was like this different person that would show up
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: when he got to a certain level of intoxication, and
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: I would just know that I was in trouble and
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: I had to do everything I could to make sure
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: that I smoothed it over. But at that point I
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: was in full form mode. I froze. I was just
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: like I'm fine, I'm just going to go back to sleep,
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: and trying to close my eyes and go back to sleep,
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: and he just started unzipped my bag. And I used
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: to be really into photography and I had this very
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: expensive camera and he picked it up and I was like, fuck,
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: here we go. He said, show me a phone or
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: I'll smash the camera, and I was like, yeah, I
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: have my phone. Whatever. Then he opened my fe and
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: he I don't even think he could read at that point,
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: he was so drunk, but he just instantly was like
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: I knew it. You fucking slart. You're cheating on me,
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: You're always fucking cheating on me. And then he just
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: grabbed my phone and snapped it into and smashed my camera,
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: just started trashing this airbnb that was in my name,
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: and I was just like trying my best. I was like, peepe,
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: I love you. I'm sorry, just calm down, Come sit
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: with me, We'll have a cuddle, we'll sort this out.
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not cheating on you. I love you more
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: than anything in the entire world. And I was just
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: like begging him to lay down with me and just
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: cuddle with me. At this point, the other people that
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: were staying with us had gone to bed, and I
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: realized he wasn't going to calm down and I was
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: in trouble. So thankfully I had my car key right
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: next to me on the bedside table, and I i
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: grabbed it while he was trashing the house, and I
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: ran to my car, and this cabin was down like
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: a really long gravel track, and my car was parked
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: forwards down the track, so it meant I had to
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: reverse up this gravel track to get away, and there
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: was this stack of firewood next to the house. He
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: saw when I started to get out that I was
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: going to get away, and I couldn't get my car started.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: It was that nervous. I couldn't figure out how to
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: use the key. I couldn't figure out how to unlock
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: the car. I was just so terrified at that point,
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: I wanted to vomit everywhere, and so I got in
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: the car. And as I get in the car and
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: I start the engine, he picks up this giant log
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: and just throws it at the driver's window. Thankfully, it
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: bounced off the window, and I got the car started
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: and I started reversing up this gravel track. I reversed
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: into a light post while he's throwing giant logs of
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: firewood at the car, smashing every panel on it. He
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: grabbed the side mirror and ripped it off. He was
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: kicking the doors. He was like jumping on the bonnet
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: while I'm trying to reverse and get away. And then
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: I managed to get away. All the windows were smashed.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: I couldn't see out of the windscreen, so I was
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: just like driving kind of with my head out the window.
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: It was the middle of winter. I was freezing cold,
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: and I tried to drive into town to the police station.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: It was about two o'clock in the morning, and I
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: get to the police station and I was really rattled.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: But they were like on the end of their shift.
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: Being a small country town, they closed the cop shop
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: at like two am and they were ready to go home,
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: and they sort of took my statement, and then they
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: gave me the address for a home where women go
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: like a refuge. And I was kind of insulted because
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: I was like, I'm not I'm not a battered wife.
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: I don't need a refuge. I just need you to
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: call someone for me and tell them to come pick
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: me up. And it was a long weekend. This was Saturday,
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: Saturday night, and so they knocked off and they were like,
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: just sleep in your car in the car park of
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: the cop shop. You'll be safe there. I couldn't sleep
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: because it was freezing cold. It was like minus two degrees.
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: I had no blankets or anything in my car, leather interior.
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: It was freezing. My car didn't want to drive because
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: it was throwing up all these fault warnings about you know,
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: just I smashed everything on it. Well, the next morning,
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: I got up and I walked about town trying to
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: find a payphone because I didn't have a phone. And
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: then I realized I didn't know anyone's phone number, so
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: payphone would have been useless to me. Anyway, so I
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: was going up to strangers and saying, Hey, do you
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: think I could use your phone for a minute. I
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: just want to try and find I need to call
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: the tow truck so I can get my car towed home.
• 44:01
  Speaker 2: I tried to call some tow truck companies, but they
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: didn't work on long weekends, so I was stranded there.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: The police had called my so she was fretting, but
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: I had no way of contacting her. She had no
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: way of contacting me, so I couldn't call her and
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: let her know I was okay. So I'd been wandering
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: around town all day trying to figure out what I
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: was going to do. There were no tow trucks. It
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: was a long weekend. I was going to have to wait,
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: like hang around on the streets in my smashed up
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: car for another three days until I could get a
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: tow truck home. And I knew that he would still
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: be at the airbnb because he didn't have his license,
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: and so I was like, well, I've got no other option.
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: I know he'll be able to fix this. He's got
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: a phone. I drove back to the airbnb and he
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: answered the door and he said, I'm so sorry, and
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: he just started crying and he just melted into my
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: arms and he said, I love you so much. I
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: don't want to lose you. I'm so sorry. I just
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: can't handle alcohol. I'm going to try to do better.
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: I'm going to stop drinking. And we both just cried
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: together and it felt amazing and we were in love again.
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: Then the police showed up and they said that they'd
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: had reports from the neighbors about what had happened last
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: night and they saw me the previous night and they
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: needed us to come down to the station. So we
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: went down to the station. They kept him in the
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: front and they walked me out the back and they said, look,
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: we've put a three day order on him. You are
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: not allowed to have any contact with him for three days.
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: You need time to cool off and think about whether
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: this relationship is going anywhere. This behavior is not normal.
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: And I was like, what do I do? Like his
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: mum was going to come pick us up and take
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: us home. How do I get home. It's a four
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: and a half hour drive and I've got a smashed
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: up car. He was like, just drive home, take smash
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: up car and drive home. So I was heading out
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: of town. I sat in my car for a minute
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: to contemplate what I was going to do. I had
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: no phone. I realized how dangerous it was driving on
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: those roads at night in a smashed up car, but
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: I just had to do it. It was what I had
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: to do. So I got it the car and I
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: started to drive out of town, and then I saw
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: Adam walking up the street and he saw me, and
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: so I quickly turned into a car park of a
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: shop a few streets up. He saw where I turned,
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: he jumped in the car. We started to make our
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: way home. About twenty minutes up the street, I think
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: the police had gone to check in with him to
• 46:34
  Speaker 2: see where he was staying that night, and realized he
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: wasn't in town anymore and realized I'd picked him up.
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: So about twenty minutes out of town, I see lights flashing.
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: They see my car coming, and I quickly said do
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: a you turn. Quickly did a U turn, started driving
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: full pelt back in the opposite direction, because if he
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: got caught with me it would mean chargers. He wound
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: the window down and just jumped out of the moving car,
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: and I pulled into a service station and started fueling
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: my car up the police officer approached and said, so
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: you're heading home and I was like yep. He's like,
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: you haven't seen him, have you. I was like nope.
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: He's like, you're just putting fuel in your car. I
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: was like yep, and then I just took a really
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: long time to put the fuel in my car. He left,
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: and then I knew what area he'd jumped out of
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: the car. All he'd done is walked around behind the
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: service station and waited for the cop to leave and
• 47:38
  Speaker 2: jump back in the car. And then we made our
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: way home. And from that point on, I feel like
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: I checked out. I'd realized the situation that I was
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: in and it was probably going to get me killed
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: if I didn't put an end to it. But I
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: just had to make strategic moves about how I was
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: going to get away from him with my life, because
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: every time I tried to leave, he would threaten my
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: life essentially.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: So she left and took action.
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: I went to get a vro, I went to the
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: courthouse because I knew that he was going to make
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: my life hell. When I tried to leave, I put
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: on my makeup to try and not look like a
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: biky whore. So that they would believe me when I
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: said all of the stuff that he's done. When I
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: stood in front of the judge, I told him everything,
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: and he was like, yeah, it sounds like you've got
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: pretty good grounds for a VRO and told me that
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: he will have a hearing and if I didn't want to,
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: I didn't need to attend that hearing if it would
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: be too traumatic for me to be in the same
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: space as him or too dangerous. So it was of
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: my understanding that I didn't need to attend his hearing
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: for the VRO. It took three weeks for the police
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: to serve him with his VRO. So at this point
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: I'd moved house. My girlfriends had come and they'd helped
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: me pack everything up and clean everything. And my uncle
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: had a house a rental that was vacant at the time,
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: and he kindly let me move in there, which was
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: a long way away from where we lived. I got
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: myself set up, I got the paperwork in the mail
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: to say that he had his hearing, and I thought
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: I didn't need to attend that because that's what the
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: judge had told me on the day, So I didn't attend.
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: And then a couple weeks later, I got another letter
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: saying that my VRO had been dropped because I didn't
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: troub up for the hearing, and so I called up.
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: I was like, I was told that I didn't need
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: to attend by the judge, and the person that I
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: spoke to said, no, you did need to attend, you
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: just didn't need to be in court room at the time,
• 50:00
  Speaker 2: and so they said, unfortunately, all the evidence that you've
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: given us is now null and void. If you want
• 50:06
  Speaker 2: to apply for another VRO, you have to submit new evidence.
• 50:11
  Speaker 2: And at that point he'd mostly left me alone because
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: I hadn't seen or heard from him, but I knew
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: it was only a matter of time before he found
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: out where I was, because I was told by the
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: removalists that moved all my furniture there that he'd contacted
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: them to find out where I was moving to. He
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: was bombarding my phone and my social media with messages.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: He was calling all of my friends, all of my family,
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: like random people that I hadn't seen for ages would
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: message me and go, hey, do you know this guy?
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: He's messaging me telling me I'm a fucking fag and
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: that you're available for me to have sex with now
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: and because you know, just completely unhinged crap. And so
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: I realized the law was not going to help me,
• 50:52
  Speaker 2: and I just need to block, forget, deflect, and just
• 50:59
  Speaker 2: move on with my life. So that's what I did.
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: It's been six years since their relationship bended, and Dee's
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: recovery has been slow and reflective.
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: I was terrified for a really long time because I
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: knew that he owned guns. He'd shown me his sniper rifle.
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: I was always scared that he was going to show
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: up somewhere. His mates would show up everywhere. I felt
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: like they were always keeping tabs on me. Took probably
• 51:24
  Speaker 2: three years for me to stop looking over my shoulder.
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: Now I know what a pathetic little man baby he is.
• 51:29
  Speaker 2: I'm not scared of him anymore, but it took a
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: long time for me to get over that. I did
• 51:36
  Speaker 2: a lot of therapy. I joined communities. I strengthened my
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: bonds with my women around me, I strengthened my bonds
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: with my family, and I really worked on myself. I
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: will get random messages from fake accounts all the time.
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: It's been about six months since the last one and
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: I haven't heard from him. He liked to talk crap
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: about one of his exes that he was in a
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: relationship before me, and say that she was crazy and
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: that she was cheating on him. So I had a
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: lot of empathy towards him for that. I thought he
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: had trauma. She cheated on him in the past, and
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: that's why he's going to accuse me of cheating all
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: the time. When I contacted her, I found out that
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: wasn't true. He'd lied about that he was cheating on
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: her the entire time. I found her through social media.
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: She turned out to be a really cool chick, and
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: she really helped me through the breakup. She validated a
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: lot of the feelings that I had because I felt
• 52:33
  Speaker 2: absolutely insane, and he left her feeling the same way
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: when their relationship ended, and I think it was quite
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: healing for her to hear the same things from me,
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: so that she knew she wasn't crazy. And when I
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: started dating again, I made so many mistakes. I was
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: instantly attracted to the shitheads, and it took a lot
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: of learning to identify what all of those horrible red
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: flags were and how to avoid them. Dating is a skill,
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: and I feel like I didn't learn it when I
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: was younger, because I was married so soon. I was
• 53:07
  Speaker 2: in a relationship from the age of sixteen to thirty two,
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: so I never had that experience of dating guys and
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: learning what the red flags were. I learned that really
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: late in life. Now I know. Now I have a
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: new partner, and he's nothing like that guy. He's emotionally intelligent.
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: He's never once activated my nervous system, never felt unsafe
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: around him. He's a grown up and he's lovely. I
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: feel like it is my dirty little secret. I feel
• 53:45
  Speaker 2: like it's the one fuck up I made in my life.
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: I've done everything right my entire life except for date him.
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm a good girl to the core,
• 53:59
  Speaker 2: and I think he knew that, and he just saw
• 54:01
  Speaker 2: me as an easy kill. He saw how naive I was,
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: he saw how I was. I make it a habit
• 54:12
  Speaker 2: to have nothing to do with him. I'm not interested,
• 54:14
  Speaker 2: don't care, don't look up his name. The only thing
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: I look for is his name in the obituaries. Everybody
• 54:22
  Speaker 2: has to have that one guy who teaches you. Hopefully
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: it's only one guy who teaches you what an asshole
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: is or what a manipulator is, and then once you learn,
• 54:37
  Speaker 2: you grow and you know how to identify these things
• 54:40
  Speaker 2: in future relationships and you don't fall into the same
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: traps again. Narcissists are so good at hiding who they
• 54:46
  Speaker 2: are until the perfect opportunity, and you need to stay
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: vigilant at all times. You can be in a relationship
• 54:53
  Speaker 2: for one year, two years, three years, ten years. It's
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: not until you move in together, or until you get married,
• 55:02
  Speaker 2: or until you have children, or until you become ill
• 55:05
  Speaker 2: that they start to show who they really are and
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: that they never gave it about you in the first place.
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: And once they realize they've got you, they will start
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: manipulating you and taking you down and destroying you. I've
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: learned how to speak my feelings. I've learned how to
• 55:28
  Speaker 2: feel my feelings when they show up and not squash them. Basically,
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: I've learned how to communicate fearlessly. I know I'm not
• 55:36
  Speaker 2: going to waste any time not saying what I want. Now.
• 55:40
  Speaker 2: I'm too old, too old to take shit. I've had enough.
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: I am done now, I'm forty years old. I'm moving
• 55:48
  Speaker 2: on with my life. I have a beautiful house, my
• 55:51
  Speaker 2: girls are growing up beautifully, and I have a great
• 55:55
  Speaker 2: life of great people around me, and I don't know
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: if I would have got to this place if I
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: had stayed in the shit, I definitely wouldn't have my girls.
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: I don't know if they'll come out of it unscathed.
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: I don't like that I modeled that behavior to them,
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: and that was a big driving motivator for getting away.
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: I don't want my girls to see me in a
• 56:22
  Speaker 2: relationship like that and normalize it, and then them sort
• 56:26
  Speaker 2: of model that as an appropriate relationship and find that
• 56:29
  Speaker 2: for themselves. I don't want for them what I had
• 56:32
  Speaker 2: not in a million years.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: Everyone has an x He is a Minti Media production
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: and proudly part of the Mum and Me Network. This
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: episode is written and produced by Linda Scott. Interview conducted
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: and episode narrated by me Georgia Love. If you have
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: a story you'd like to share, email podcast at momameya
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au. You can support us by following
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: the show in your favorite podcast app and leaving us
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: the five star review. We'll see you for the next episode.