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56: Who Are You When Nobody Needs You? · (re)Parenting Radio

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start today's episode with a question.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want you to sit with it for a moment.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I ready?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you when nobody needs anything from you?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you when you're not being a mother, a father, a wife, a husband, a partner, an employee, a caregiver, a problem solver, a people pleaser?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you when nobody is asking for anything?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: When you're not managing someone else's schedule, considering someone else's preferences, or responding to someone else's needs.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't have to be available to anybody, do you know?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do you even know?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I recently discovered that at 58 years old, I didn't know nearly as much about that version of myself as I thought I did.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Last week I shared the story of moving back to California, living apart from my husband, and discovering how much of my initial sadness was connected to the unfamiliarity of being outside a pattern that I had lived in for over 40 years.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I shared how I consciously began changing the way I experienced that separation.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, let me just catch you up here.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I moved into my own little studio apartment.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And for the first time in my entire life, I'm living completely alone and I absolutely love it.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: But what's fascinating to me is that my enjoyment of living alone goes much deeper than having my own space.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Although that's pretty cool, actually.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's about something much more significant.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: For the first time in my life, I get to experience who I am when I'm not constantly accommodating the presence of someone else.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that has been really revealing to me.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to explore with you why solitude can feel so nourishing to some people and so uncomfortable to others.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: What our childhood experience may have taught us about being alone, and why learning to enjoy our own company can be such a powerful part of the healing and reparenting process.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, we're going to talk about what we're teaching our children because I think that is something we need to become much more conscious of.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with the amount of attention and energy involved in sharing our lives with other people.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be clear that I love people.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't about sharing our lives with toxic people, even, just people that we do enjoy being with.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I love people, I love meaningful relationships, I love spending time with my sons, my friends, my husband, and I genuinely enjoy the work I do with children and families.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: But something I've discovered since moving into my own apartment is just how much of my attention has been directed outward for most of my life.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what happens when you're raising children.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're constantly monitoring what's happening around you.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Are they hungry?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Are they tired?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do they need help?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are they upset?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do they need emotional support?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: What time do they need to be somewhere?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening tomorrow?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to be organized?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And even when your children grow up, those habits of paying attention to everyone else's needs can remain deeply ingrained.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the same thing happens in relationships.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: We consider our partner's schedule, we accommodate their preferences, we negotiate how we spend our time, we notice their moods, we adjust.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And none of those things are inherently negative.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're part of sharing your life with other people.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: But they do require attention.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: They require energy.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't realize how much of our attention is directed towards others until we have the experience of not having to do it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm discovering right now, living alone.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: When I come home, I don't have to think about whether someone else wants to have a conversation or whether they're ready to eat and I'm not, or if there's a noise I'm going to make that might disturb them.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to explain why I'm doing something or not doing something.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I can simply exist in my own space.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something about that which feels incredibly peaceful to me.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not because other people are a problem, but because for the first time I get to experience what it feels like when my attention isn't constantly being pulled in another direction.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is particularly relevant to women, but not exclusive to women, because so many women do spend decades caring for other people, raising children, supporting partners, and managing households.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're typically the ones remembering appointments, anticipating needs, organizing schedules.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And often we're doing a tremendous amount of invisible work, not just physical work, mental and emotional work.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're paying attention to what everyone else needs.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we become so accustomed to doing that that we don't even realize how much of our energy is directed outward until suddenly we have the opportunity to direct some of it inward.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that can feel incredibly nourishing.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: But where I think it gets particularly interesting from a reparenting perspective is many of us develop our identities around the roles that we play in other people's lives, the labels that we use to describe ourselves.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a coach, I'm an author, I'm a caregiver, I'm an entrepreneur.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And those things are all true.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're all meaningful parts of my life, but they're not the entirety of who I am.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that sometimes we forget that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: We become so identified with what we do for other people that we lose touch with what we genuinely enjoy for ourselves.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: We know what our children like to eat, we know what our partners prefer, we know what our employer expects, we know what our clients need.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: We even know what our pets need.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: But do we know what makes us feel peaceful?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do we know how we like to spend our time when nobody else is influencing the decision?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or have we spent so much of our lives accommodating other people that we've never really explored those questions?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I knew, I really did.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent over 10 years doing really deep personal development work, studying consciousness, exploring my beliefs and becoming more aware of my patterns.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And yet at 58 years old, I'm still discovering something entirely new about myself, which is I love living alone.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I love my own space.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: I love the quiet.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love the freedom to decide how I spend my evenings.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I fully didn't understand how much I would enjoy those things until I had the actual opportunity to experience it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Which makes me wonder how many other preferences I or others may have that we've never discovered.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes we assume we know ourselves simply because we know our habits, we know our routines, we know our roles, but our habits aren't necessarily our preferences, and our roles aren't necessarily our identity.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's take this back to childhood for a moment, because when we're children, we learn a tremendous amount about ourselves through our relationships with the people around us.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: We learn what gets attention, what gets approval, what gets affection, what makes the adults around us happy.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on our experiences and how those adults behave and the behaviors that they model for us, we may begin associating our value with being useful, agreeable, productive, responsible, or needed.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were the responsible child or the helpful one, or the child that didn't cause problems, or maybe you're the one that took care of your younger siblings, the one that could always be counted on.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were the one who learned to monitor the emotional environment.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned to recognize when a parent was upset.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: You learned to adjust your behavior to keep the peace.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned to anticipate what other people needed before they even asked.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps those patterns helped you navigate your childhood.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when you carry them into adulthood?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: You may become the adult who takes care of everybody, the person everyone calls when they need help, the person who never says no, the person who feels guilty resting, or the person who doesn't know what to do when nobody needs anything.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes being needed becomes so closely connected to our sense of worth that we feel uncomfortable when we're not fulfilling that role.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you've spent your entire life being the responsible one, what happens when there's nobody to be responsible for?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you've always been the caretaker, what happens when there's nobody to take care of?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you've always been the problem solver, what happens when there's no problems to solve?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel peaceful?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you start looking for something to do?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Does your mind start creating problems that aren't really there?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I think reparenting work becomes so important because we get to begin separating our worth from our usefulness.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: We get to recognize we don't have to be productive to be valuable.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to be needed to matter, and we don't have to be constantly doing something for someone else to justify our existence.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're allowed to simply be.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: After all, we are human beings.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're not human doings.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And for some people, that can be a surprisingly difficult thing to practice.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was for me.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's taken me many, many years to unwind all the layers to this.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about something that I noticed in our culture.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: We seem to have become incredibly uncomfortable with doing nothing.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: We fill practically every moment with stimulation.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Television, social media, heck, we've always got a phone in our hand.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Podcasts, music, text messages, work, errands, emails, appointments, tracking activities.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's always, always, always something to do, something happening.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I wonder how much of that activity is genuinely enjoyable and how much of it is simply a way to avoid being alone with ourselves.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever noticed how quickly you reach for your phone when you sit down?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't necessarily need to check anything.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're not expecting an important message.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: But the moment there's a little bit of quiet, you reach for something to occupy your attention.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's worth becoming curious about.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because when the external stimulation stops, we may become more aware of what's happening internally.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we notice anxiety.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we notice sadness.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we notice how tired we are.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we notice that we're constantly thinking about what we should be doing next, or that we have our minds stuck on the past and what has happened and we're replaying events.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe we discover that we don't actually know how to rest at all.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I catch myself doing this sometimes, even now, living alone and loving my independence.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: There are moments when I feel like I should be doing something.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I should be working, I should be cleaning, I should be exercising or painting or writing or accomplishing something.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then I catch myself and I think, nope, I don't have to do anything right now.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes I just simply sit in my chair.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't turn on the television because I actually don't even own one.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I may I had them, this was a furnished apartment and I actually had them take it out of here.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't pick up my phone at times like that.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't listen to anything.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: I just sit.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just look out the window.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I reflect on my day.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just try to sit in a meditative like state and think of nothing.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I love it.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's very healing.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I also recognize that for some people that experience might feel incredibly uncomfortable because stillness gives us the opportunity to notice what's happening inside of us.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what's happening inside of us is something we've been avoiding.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's grief, maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's dissatisfaction or an unresolved situation or relationship.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a feeling of not being good enough, or it's simply an unfamiliar experience of not being needed, or maybe it's a monkey mind that just keeps going and we don't know how to control it.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if we've spent years distracting ourselves from those feelings, quiet can bring them into focus because there's suddenly room to notice what's already there.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: So let's explore the nervous system in connection with this because it's important to know that two people can experience the exact same circumstance and have completely different emotional responses to it.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: One person can walk into an empty house and feel peaceful, and another can walk into an empty house and feel anxious.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, part of the answer may be the associations we've developed through our experiences.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you grew up in an environment where being alone meant punishment, rejection, or abandonment, you may have learned to associate solitude with emotional distress.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were sent to your room when you were upset.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe affection was withdrawn when you disappointed someone.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were left alone when you needed comfort.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you learned that being alone meant nobody wanted you around.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And those experiences may have influenced the meaning that you attach to solitude today.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: But another child may have grown up in an environment where there was constant noise, tension, unpredictability, or conflict.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they were always monitoring the moods of the adults around them.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they were constantly trying to keep the peace.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they rarely had any privacy.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: That would be me.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for a child, being alone might have been the only time they felt relief.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: So now we have two adults.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: One associates being alone with rejection, the other associates being alone with safety.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Same circumstance, different learned associations.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And those associations can influence how our nervous systems respond.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I talk so much about becoming conscious of our conditioning and having awareness as to what that conditioning was.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes we're responding to the meaning we've learned to attach to an experience rather than the circumstance or the experience itself.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: And those meanings aren't necessarily permanent.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: We can develop new associations, we can create new experiences, we can learn that something that felt uncomfortable may actually be safe.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: But that begins with awareness.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: That begins with becoming curious.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: What does being alone mean to me?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: When did I first begin feeling this way?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: What am I afraid will happen if I'm by myself?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do I associate solitude with rejection or do I associate it with peace?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what might I want to experience differently?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Being alone describes circumstances or a circumstance.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness describes an emotional experience.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can be surrounded by people and feel profoundly lonely.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can have children, friends, coworkers, and a full social calendar and still feel like nobody really understands you.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can spend an entire evening alone and feel completely content.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, some of the loneliest experiences people have can occur within relationships where they don't feel seen, heard, understood, or emotionally connected.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And conversely, some of the most peaceful experiences can happen when we're simply enjoying our own company.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to suggest, though, that solitude is always nourishing because sometimes loneliness is telling us something important.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we genuinely need more meaningful connection.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we need to nurture our friendships, and maybe we do need to build a community.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we've become too isolated.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And those can be valid concerns and are worth looking at.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're social beings, connection matters, belonging matters, healthy relationships matter.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: But there's another question worth asking when we feel uncomfortable when we're alone.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Am I actually lonely or am I uncomfortable because this experience is unfamiliar?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two different things.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the answers may be both.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: We can genuinely miss someone and still be learning how to enjoy our own company.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: We can desire connection and still appreciate solitude.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And we can love being alone without wanting to be alone all the time.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: There doesn't have to be an either or.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something else I discovered recently that I want to share.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really a beautiful example of how reparenting can involve reconnecting with the nurturing experiences of our childhood.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Since moving into this lovely little studio apartment that I have alone, I have started listening to audiobooks in the evening.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something I also didn't know I would enjoy so much.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've always enjoyed reading, but most of my adult reading has been nonfiction.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I've always enjoyed listening to things on Audible.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: But most of that has been also nonfiction: personal development, spirituality, consciousness, quantum physics, psychology.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always listening, reading, learning something.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: But recently I stumbled across an author named Kate Morton.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it was something that when I started more embracing being alone and looking for more things to do, I decided I needed to check out some nonfiction and just read a story instead of always learning.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so I stumbled into her in actually one of those little free libraries.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: I picked up a book called The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton, and she's got about seven other novels.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually read the book, but then I listened to it on Audible just because it sounded like a good idea.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: It actually kind of worked out very synchronistically.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was reading the book and then I didn't have time for reading, or every time I started reading, I was falling asleep, but I was really liking the book and then audible.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Audible sent me this deal that I could get a free book or something.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, I'll do that and I'll listen to this Kate Morton book on it.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so I did.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I started listening to her novels on Audible, and I absolutely fell in love with the storytelling.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I fell in love with the narration, the beautiful language, the way the stories unfolded.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: I love the vocabulary, the I love the creative writing that she uses.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I loved the accent of the of the narrator.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was just perfect.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And now I find myself coming home in the evening, sitting in my little comfortable chair and listening to someone read me a story.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I love it.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And naturally, because I'm me, I started wondering, why do I love this so much?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this feel so good to me?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then I started to remember something from my childhood, which is my grandmother.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: My grandmother raised me pretty much until I was about eight years old.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she used to listen to talk radio.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember I remember being around her in the evenings, um, hearing stories, hearing the voices coming through the radio.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And for a period of time, I slept in the same bed with her, and she used to read me books at night.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the books that she read me was The Secret Garden, which I absolutely loved.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And as I sit here in my apartment listening to these audiobooks, I realized that something about the experience was bringing me back to those memories, that feeling of being with my grandmother, being cared for, that feeling of being loved and safe.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, well, how beautiful is that?
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because we often talk about reparenting as though it's only revisiting painful childhood experiences and disempowering conditioning.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly recognizing healing those patterns is an important part of the process.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: But reparenting can also involve reconnecting with the experiences that made us feel safe and loved and good, the things that brought us joy, the things that helped us feel comfortable.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe for you it was drawing.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was playing outside or spending time with animals or cooking with one of your parents or your grandmother or working on cars in the garage with your dad, or I don't know, weeding, whatever it might have been, riding bikes, doing puzzles, playing music, whatever it was.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was having just someone read a story to you.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes bringing those experiences into our adult lives can feel incredibly nurturing.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And what's especially interesting to me is that I'm discovering this while I'm living alone.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sitting there feeling lonely.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling connected, connected to myself, connected to a memory, connected to something warm and familiar.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it just feels so good and beautiful because being alone doesn't necessarily mean being disconnected.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And solitude gives us the opportunity to reconnect with the parts of ourselves that have been waiting for our attention.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: And because this is reparenting radio, I think it's important that we bring this conversation also back to our children and the current generation and the present moment.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think the way we teach children to experience solitude matters.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder how often we unintentionally communicate that being alone is something negative.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: We fill our children's schedules, we organize activities for them and play dates, we turn on screens to entertain them, we buy them new toys, we rush to fill every moment of boredom with something.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not suggesting that children shouldn't have activities and friendship, of course not, but I think there's tremendous value in giving children the opportunity to discover what they enjoy doing when nobody's directing them.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's directing them to play independently, allowing them to just play independently, to be bored, to imagine, to create, to explore, to sit quietly, to sit in the boredom long enough to become curious and creative.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because boredom isn't a problem that needs to be solved.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's simply the beginning of creativity.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity for children to discover that they can generate their own experiences rather than constantly relying on something outside themselves to entertain them.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a very important life skill to have.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something worth considering about the way we respond when children want to be alone.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do we respect their need for privacy?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do we allow them to have preferences about how they spend their time?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do we recognize that some children need more quiet time than others?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when children feel lonely, do we help them understand that loneliness is a feeling they can talk about rather than something shameful or that they need to avoid?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because we don't want children to associate being alone with rejection.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we also don't want them to believe that they must constantly be surrounded by people to be happy.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to develop healthy relationships.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to feel connected.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to know they're loved.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: But we also want them to develop a healthy relationship with themselves, most of all.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps part of that begins with allowing them to discover that their own company can be enjoyable.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a beautiful place from which to build a relationship.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something I'm learning more in my own life right now.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want to leave you with today.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you when nobody needs anything from you?
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know the answer, that's okay.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've never had the opportunity to discover it.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've spent decades taking care of other people, or you've been so busy fulfilling your own roles that you've never really explored what you genuinely enjoy.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you've become so accustomed to constant stimulation that quiet feels uncomfortable.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you've learned to associate being alone with rejection, abandonment, or loneliness.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever your experience has been, I want to invite you to become curious.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: What does solitude mean to you?
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: What happens inside you when everything gets quiet?
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: What do you enjoy doing when nobody else is influencing your choices?
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: What makes you feel peaceful?
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what might you discover about yourself if you gave yourself permission to explore those questions?
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because the most meaningful relationship we can develop is the one we have with ourselves.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not because other relationships don't matter, but because our relationship with ourself influences how we experience every other relationship in our lives.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for the parents listening, remember that your children are always learning from you.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning whether being alone is something to fear, whether quiet is something to avoid, whether their value depends upon being needed, whether they can enjoy their own company, and whether they can be connected to others without losing themselves.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Those are lessons worth becoming conscious of.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because ultimately, reparenting isn't about becoming someone else.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about recognizing the patterns we've been living inside of and giving ourselves the freedom to choose something different.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that freedom gives us the opportunity to discover parts of ourselves we never knew existed.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like a 58-year-old woman sitting in her tiny studio apartment near the beach, listening to someone read her a story, feeling completely content, not lonely, not missing anything, just happy.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I think I'm gonna enjoy this for a while.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you all for being here with me today.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: I will see you next week, and please consider these questions.com.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakintheone.org.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.