Latest / Beautifully Complex / 290: Practical Strategies for Reducing School Stress, with Ann Dolin M.Ed.

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290: Practical Strategies for Reducing School Stress, with Ann Dolin M.Ed. · Beautifully Complex

0:04
Speaker 1: Often, you know, we think that our kids could be
0:07
Speaker 1: doing better than they are, or that they should be
0:10
Speaker 1: studying differently, and we really don't always see their side
0:13
Speaker 1: of it and that they are actually working hard and
0:16
Speaker 1: they're feeling maybe more stress than we think.
0:22
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights
0:26
Speaker 2: and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches.
0:31
Speaker 2: I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author
0:35
Speaker 2: and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
0:38
Speaker 2: of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back
0:45
Speaker 2: everyone to Beautifully Complex. I am honored to have with
0:50
Speaker 2: me today and Delann and we're going to talk about
0:54
Speaker 2: school stress and executive functioning strategies and whatever else comes
0:59
Speaker 2: up around these topics that can be really important for
1:03
Speaker 2: you to know and also really helpful for you as
1:08
Speaker 2: a parent or educator to empower your kids and students.
1:12
Speaker 2: And will you start by letting everyone know who you
1:15
Speaker 2: are and what you do.
1:17
Speaker 1: Sure? Thanks, Penny. Well, I've been in education for a
1:20
Speaker 1: long time. I started out my career as a classroom
1:22
Speaker 1: teacher and on the side, I tutored kids and I
1:26
Speaker 1: realized over time that that was really my true calling
1:30
Speaker 1: in life, and so twenty six years ago I started
1:33
Speaker 1: tutoring business, and today we work with kids across the
1:37
Speaker 1: country virtually on their subjects, but also a lot of
1:41
Speaker 1: what we do is helping kids with executive functions, so
1:45
Speaker 1: being more organized, managing their time, study habits, that type
1:49
Speaker 1: of thing so needed.
1:51
Speaker 2: And we're talking here about complex kids, and so often
1:56
Speaker 2: poor executive functioning or lagging executive functioning skills come with
2:00
Speaker 2: the territory. So I know that this is really going
2:03
Speaker 2: to be relatable for a lot of folks. Can we
2:06
Speaker 2: start by talking about school stress today? What that looks like,
2:10
Speaker 2: maybe what signals our kids or our students are providing
2:16
Speaker 2: that are really signaling to us that we need to
2:19
Speaker 2: focus on their stress level, their pressure and helping them
2:25
Speaker 2: through that, which I think then helps a lot of
2:27
Speaker 2: other things fall into place. It sure does, Penny.
2:31
Speaker 1: You know, I was talking to a student a few
2:33
Speaker 1: months ago, a high school student. He said, you know,
2:36
Speaker 1: think about what you think my stress level is, and
2:40
Speaker 1: then I want you to multiply it by two, because
2:44
Speaker 1: really it's double that. Like I might look like I
2:47
Speaker 1: have a bunch of things under control. But really, I
2:50
Speaker 1: am so stressed out about this. And it makes sense
2:54
Speaker 1: because often kids, you know, either they look like they're
2:57
Speaker 1: doing okay, or maybe on the other hand, and they
3:00
Speaker 1: look like they don't really care about school and they're
3:03
Speaker 1: not putting effort in, and we think that they're not trying.
3:07
Speaker 1: But usually if you like pull back the curtain, you
3:10
Speaker 1: can see that they are working hard, but that maybe
3:14
Speaker 1: they're just not working efficiently or they have difficulty with
3:19
Speaker 1: these executive functions that I mentioned. And so often, you know,
3:24
Speaker 1: we think that our kids could be doing better than
3:26
Speaker 1: they are, or that they should be studying differently, and
3:30
Speaker 1: we really don't always see their side of it, and
3:33
Speaker 1: that they are actually working hard and they're feeling maybe
3:36
Speaker 1: more stressed than we think.
3:39
Speaker 2: I remember a time when my kid came home from
3:41
Speaker 2: school and he was probably fifth or sixth grade somewhere
3:44
Speaker 2: around there, and I guess his teacher had emailed me
3:48
Speaker 2: or called me or something that day, and I was
3:49
Speaker 2: talking to him about it, and he said, nobody understands
3:53
Speaker 2: how hard I am trying. Nobody gets it, nobody sees it.
3:58
Speaker 2: And that really so with me all these years that
4:02
Speaker 2: we have to really be open to someone experiencing things
4:06
Speaker 2: different than we do, because his experience is very different
4:10
Speaker 2: than mine. We're very different, we're wired differently, and it
4:16
Speaker 2: was just such an eye opener to understand that. It
4:18
Speaker 2: helped me to be able to take a step back
4:21
Speaker 2: more often and really ask more questions, right yeah, and
4:27
Speaker 2: then be willing to listen. Sometimes when our kids are
4:30
Speaker 2: telling us they're super under pressure, these things are happening,
4:34
Speaker 2: we tend to downplay it or we think that maybe
4:37
Speaker 2: the pressure is needed. I know in schools a lot
4:40
Speaker 2: of time, pressure is a tool that is used to
4:43
Speaker 2: get kids motivated and keep them on track, which actually,
4:45
Speaker 2: for a lot of our kids makes things less doable.
4:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true, you're right, Penny. And other times when
4:52
Speaker 1: our kids, you know, push back and they'll say, find,
4:55
Speaker 1: don't worry about me. I've gotten like it's kind of
4:58
Speaker 1: our natural reaction as a parent, like take a step
5:01
Speaker 1: back and you know, let them do their own thing.
5:04
Speaker 1: But really it's staying connected that we'll get them through
5:09
Speaker 1: these tough times and maybe even leaning in a little
5:12
Speaker 1: bit and letting them know, like I get it, you're
5:14
Speaker 1: super capable. I know that you can do this, but
5:18
Speaker 1: just know that I am always here for you and
5:21
Speaker 1: when things get in the way, if they ever do,
5:23
Speaker 1: I don't know if they will, I don't know if
5:25
Speaker 1: they won't, but just know that I'm here for you.
5:27
Speaker 1: And it's just like You're right. Little things like that
5:30
Speaker 1: that can let kids know it's going to be okay
5:32
Speaker 1: and I've got your back.
5:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, Where do you want to start with some strategies?
5:38
Speaker 2: You know, we we have stressed out kids potentially, and
5:43
Speaker 2: it can be around school. What are some times of
5:46
Speaker 2: the day or tasks that you see the students that
5:49
Speaker 2: you work with really struggling with.
5:52
Speaker 1: You know, so much has changed in the last few years,
5:55
Speaker 1: but I'd say that often it's all the digital stuff
6:00
Speaker 1: in a kid's life that gets in the way. And so,
6:03
Speaker 1: first of all, our kids have a lot going on
6:05
Speaker 1: in their lives and they have lots to do, so
6:08
Speaker 1: they often don't have a lot of time to manage
6:11
Speaker 1: because they're going here or they're going there, and they're
6:13
Speaker 1: on this team, they're on that team, and so when
6:16
Speaker 1: they sit down to do their homework, they really need
6:20
Speaker 1: to be fairly focused. And it's just so easy to
6:23
Speaker 1: go down the rabbit hole of just texting with your
6:25
Speaker 1: friends or watching these YouTube videos or this show that
6:28
Speaker 1: just dropped on Netflix, and before kids know it, they've
6:32
Speaker 1: wasted time doing things that maybe aren't in their best interest.
6:37
Speaker 1: And so when we work with kids and my practice
6:40
Speaker 1: will often share with them this concept of rocks, pebbles
6:46
Speaker 1: and sand and penny, if you don't mind, kind of
6:49
Speaker 1: like picturing a jar, like a mason jar. It's completely empty,
6:54
Speaker 1: and at first, if you wanted to fill this jar,
6:58
Speaker 1: and you put sand in it first, and let's say
7:01
Speaker 1: that sand is equated to the things that kids want
7:05
Speaker 1: to do like watch their Netflix show, text with their friends,
7:08
Speaker 1: hang out with their friends, whatever it might be. And
7:11
Speaker 1: you put that in first into the jar, and then
7:15
Speaker 1: you put in the next thing, which is pebbles, and
7:18
Speaker 1: let's say pebbles are equated to the things that you
7:20
Speaker 1: need to do, like your math homework. And then lastly
7:23
Speaker 1: you put in the things that are super super important,
7:27
Speaker 1: like a big essay that you have that counts for
7:30
Speaker 1: a big part of your grade, and you put that
7:32
Speaker 1: in last, those rocks in last. And if you now
7:35
Speaker 1: look at your jar, you've got sand, you got pebbles,
7:38
Speaker 1: and you have rocks, but not everything fits in your jar,
7:44
Speaker 1: and that's because you put the sand first. And that's
7:48
Speaker 1: what often happens to kids is they kind of like
7:52
Speaker 1: prioritize their valuable time incorrectly and they end up staying
7:57
Speaker 1: up late at night to get those rocks done or
7:59
Speaker 1: the pe done. But we often share with them, like,
8:03
Speaker 1: you can actually make life so much easier just by
8:07
Speaker 1: reversing the order. And if you start first with rocks,
8:12
Speaker 1: the things that you are really important to your grade
8:14
Speaker 1: or that you really want to get done, then you
8:18
Speaker 1: put in the pebbles, say your math homework, and don't
8:21
Speaker 1: forget you have to lead time for all that stuff
8:23
Speaker 1: you want to do in your downtime, put that in last.
8:27
Speaker 1: Just by changing the order, everything will fit in the jar.
8:31
Speaker 1: And talking to kids that way and asking is this
8:34
Speaker 1: a rock or a pebble? Do you think it's helpful
8:37
Speaker 1: to start with sand or what do you think of
8:40
Speaker 1: just doing a rock for fifteen minutes? Sometimes it's those
8:44
Speaker 1: discussions that help kids prioritize their time a little bit
8:48
Speaker 1: better than just starting with any old thing.
8:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, and making it visual is so helpful. And I
8:55
Speaker 2: would encourage parents to actually get the jar the rocks,
8:57
Speaker 2: pebbles of the sand and make it really concrete for them,
9:00
Speaker 2: because I think that so many of our kids are
9:03
Speaker 2: a visual who are neurodivergent, and that can really help
9:06
Speaker 2: them to grasp that concept. What is bringing up for
9:11
Speaker 2: me too, though, in this discussion is the concept of motivation.
9:15
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of times as adults, we
9:18
Speaker 2: interpret them wanting to do their preferred tests as not
9:23
Speaker 2: being motivated to do the non preferred tests. How do
9:27
Speaker 2: we navigate that as parents when everything we know everything
9:33
Speaker 2: is important and we want them to value what's important,
9:38
Speaker 2: but we're interpreting it and I'm using that language carefully
9:41
Speaker 2: as though they don't feel it's important.
9:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I also keep in mind and talking to
9:49
Speaker 1: parents that in school, kids have to kind of be
9:52
Speaker 1: good at everything. Not only do you have to be
9:55
Speaker 1: good at like six subjects or seven subjects, but you
9:57
Speaker 1: also have to be super organized, have to plan your
10:00
Speaker 1: time well, and you have to study well. Like in reality,
10:03
Speaker 1: when you're an adult, you don't have to be good
10:06
Speaker 1: at everything. You can be good like maybe one thing
10:09
Speaker 1: or two things and it's going to be all okay.
10:11
Speaker 1: And so it's important to keep in mind that, yeah,
10:14
Speaker 1: school is so important, but so is nurturing their natural
10:18
Speaker 1: strengths and talents. Maybe they love animals, or they're really
10:21
Speaker 1: good at soccer, or you know, maybe they're great at
10:24
Speaker 1: graphic design and making sure that they have those opportunities too,
10:29
Speaker 1: so that there's certainly balance. But what we often find
10:35
Speaker 1: in the work we do with kids is it might
10:37
Speaker 1: look like a motivation issue in school, maybe in math
10:43
Speaker 1: or another subject, but it's really that either the student
10:47
Speaker 1: has some skill gaps in that class, or it's that
10:50
Speaker 1: they're having a hard time with executive functions and they
10:54
Speaker 1: don't have a process for knowing what to do first
10:57
Speaker 1: or for studying effectively. And so I think first things first,
11:01
Speaker 1: as a parent, we want to try to figure out
11:04
Speaker 1: is it a problem with the subject or is it
11:08
Speaker 1: more of an executive function issue that impacts kids across
11:13
Speaker 1: the grades. And if it's an executive function issue, you
11:16
Speaker 1: will see it. A telltale sign is that the student
11:20
Speaker 1: will have a hard time with missing and late assignments.
11:23
Speaker 1: But if it's a subject issue, the telltale sign is
11:26
Speaker 1: that usually their test grades are lower than maybe their
11:29
Speaker 1: homework grades or their participation or maybe their projects because
11:33
Speaker 1: they don't quite understand the concept. So as parents, you know,
11:37
Speaker 1: we don't know everything, but we do know when our
11:40
Speaker 1: child needs help, and so sometimes just reaching out to
11:43
Speaker 1: other people and you know, sharing with kids like I'm
11:47
Speaker 1: my role is to get you some help. Even when
11:50
Speaker 1: they say like I've got it, don't worry, it's under control.
11:53
Speaker 1: Oftentimes they don't always, and so letting them know that
11:57
Speaker 1: we're here and we can support them and find them
12:00
Speaker 1: the right person to help them is key.
12:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, you mentioned getting started. You have some strategies for
12:08
Speaker 2: how to get started. I remember with my own kid
12:11
Speaker 2: with homework every day. I think we both dreaded it
12:14
Speaker 2: and it was really difficult to get started for him.
12:19
Speaker 2: That was definitely one of the executive functions that he
12:21
Speaker 2: struggled with. And you know, we found our way at
12:25
Speaker 2: some point. But I'm wondering what strategies you have seen
12:29
Speaker 2: that have been pretty effective with maybe structuring that specific time.
12:35
Speaker 1: I often share with kids. Look, it's not your fault.
12:39
Speaker 1: You don't want to get started. Your brain doesn't want
12:41
Speaker 1: to get started, because if you think about it, like, Okay,
12:44
Speaker 1: could I scroll through these pictures on Instagram or these
12:48
Speaker 1: videos on TikTok? Would my brain rather do that? Or
12:52
Speaker 1: would my brain rather read ten pages of this book
12:56
Speaker 1: for my English class. Your brain is going to pick
12:59
Speaker 1: the thing that feels the best. Like that's why you
13:02
Speaker 1: naturally gravitate towards TikTok as an example. And so really,
13:06
Speaker 1: when you're super stuck and you can't make yourself get
13:09
Speaker 1: started on something, you can do it one or two ways.
13:12
Speaker 1: One way is by time, So go grab a timer.
13:15
Speaker 1: A physical timer is better than I think than better
13:18
Speaker 1: than on your phone for obvious reasons. But you can
13:21
Speaker 1: get just like a good old fashioned kitchen timer and
13:23
Speaker 1: set it for like ten minutes, and you say to yourself, okay, brain,
13:28
Speaker 1: I'm just going to work on this for ten minutes.
13:30
Speaker 1: I'm going to turn off all my distractions, X out
13:33
Speaker 1: of my open applications, put my phone somewhere else, and
13:36
Speaker 1: I'm just going to do this for ten minutes and
13:38
Speaker 1: do the best I can for ten minutes. Because often
13:41
Speaker 1: you know your brain is willing to do that, but
13:44
Speaker 1: not willing to do something that's maybe an hour. So
13:47
Speaker 1: if you can trick your brain into thinking this is easy,
13:50
Speaker 1: it's not so bad. I'm just going to do it
13:51
Speaker 1: for ten minutes. Often that's all kids need to get
13:54
Speaker 1: over the hump and get started. But I often share
13:57
Speaker 1: with them like it's not your fault. This is your
14:00
Speaker 1: brain thinking this is hard and you got a trick it,
14:02
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, okay, that makes sense. I can
14:05
Speaker 1: do that. And so often that's one way to get
14:08
Speaker 1: started using a timer For kids that are super anxious
14:11
Speaker 1: and they don't like timers, you can do the same
14:14
Speaker 1: thing by task, So you could say to yourself, oh,
14:17
Speaker 1: I'm just going to do the top half. I'm going
14:19
Speaker 1: to fold this worksheet. I'm going to do the top half,
14:21
Speaker 1: or I'm only going to do the first three math
14:23
Speaker 1: problems and then I'm going to take a break. So
14:25
Speaker 1: that's another way to get yourself to get started, to make.
14:29
Speaker 2: It more manageable right in your mind. My kid always
14:33
Speaker 2: got overwhelmed by worksheets and you know, and that time
14:37
Speaker 2: blindness that he struggled with also made it feel like,
14:41
Speaker 2: if I look at this page, this is the rest
14:43
Speaker 2: of my day. You know it's going to take forever.
14:46
Speaker 2: And it didn't. But I did learn to like fold
14:49
Speaker 2: that paper, give him one problem at a time, you
14:52
Speaker 2: know whatever, felt more do a ball and felt like
14:56
Speaker 2: he could complete it fairly quickly. So I love that. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: complex and use code complex. How do we then work
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Speaker 2: on things like getting help when they really don't understand
17:10
Speaker 2: the material? So you said there was you know, executive
17:13
Speaker 2: function problems or school stress might be because they are struggling
17:17
Speaker 2: with the subject or the material, or maybe just even
17:21
Speaker 2: the classroom environment. Probably what camparents do on that side
17:26
Speaker 2: of the equation to help their kids.
17:29
Speaker 1: Usually we see subject issues and cumulative subjects where one
17:34
Speaker 1: skill builds upon a next skill. So math is the
17:38
Speaker 1: most by far, the most requested subject for trudoring and
17:42
Speaker 1: I practice, but it's also the subject when you ask
17:44
Speaker 1: kids across the country, what is the subject that feels
17:47
Speaker 1: hardest for you? Far and away, it's math, And it
17:50
Speaker 1: makes sense because math is very, very cumulative. Other things
17:53
Speaker 1: that are accumulative are math based sciences. As you get older,
17:57
Speaker 1: like chemistry and physics and definitely a foreign language. And
18:01
Speaker 1: sometimes as parents we think like, oh, just pay attention
18:05
Speaker 1: more or try harder or do your best, and somehow
18:08
Speaker 1: those things are going to make it better for our kid,
18:11
Speaker 1: and they don't work at all, because it's kind of
18:13
Speaker 1: like if you're in quickstand, even if you're like really
18:17
Speaker 1: really trying to get out, you can't get out until
18:20
Speaker 1: somebody extends a branch and like pulls you out. And
18:24
Speaker 1: so it's the same with accumulative subject. It's incredibly hard
18:29
Speaker 1: to go back and reteach yourself that skills down here
18:32
Speaker 1: when you're working on skills up here in class, so
18:35
Speaker 1: you almost like need somebody to come in and reteach
18:39
Speaker 1: that to you. But also, you know know that you
18:41
Speaker 1: still got to practice what you have in class right
18:45
Speaker 1: now to keep up. So it could be like maybe
18:48
Speaker 1: you have a younger child, it could be you, if
18:50
Speaker 1: you feel equipped to do that. Although sometimes kids will say, mom,
18:54
Speaker 1: that's not how we do it in class. That's not
18:56
Speaker 1: how missus Anderson says to do it.
18:58
Speaker 2: That's not how we do it anyway.
19:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, we don't do like that anymore. It could be
19:02
Speaker 1: a college student down the street. It could be a
19:03
Speaker 1: professional tutor. It could be the teacher. But knowing that,
19:08
Speaker 1: like you're seeing this like negative compounding effect over time,
19:13
Speaker 1: that's when you really want to reach in and get help.
19:16
Speaker 1: But sometimes it's also a non preferred subject, as you
19:19
Speaker 1: mentioned Penny, like maybe you're a math and science kid,
19:22
Speaker 1: but you really do not like to write, which is
19:26
Speaker 1: really common with kids. Or maybe you don't like the
19:29
Speaker 1: teacher and your kid says something like my teacher doesn't
19:33
Speaker 1: like me, or I don't understand the way the teacher's
19:35
Speaker 1: teaching me and they're falling behind. That's another sign that, Okay,
19:40
Speaker 1: I need to get some help from my kid.
19:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, and there's so much help out there. I love
19:44
Speaker 2: that you brought up different methods of doing that, and
19:48
Speaker 2: you know, even maybe using a college student. I've had
19:50
Speaker 2: a lot of parents you've had success with finding like
19:53
Speaker 2: just an older kid to be sort of a mentor
19:56
Speaker 2: and just to have it come from them rather than
19:59
Speaker 2: coming from the parent because they're so often more receptive
20:03
Speaker 2: that way. And thinking about some other executive function challenges,
20:09
Speaker 2: I'm wondering what your strategies would be for things like
20:13
Speaker 2: organization losing things, messy areas where they're trying to maybe
20:21
Speaker 2: messy on their desk or messy in their room. I
20:24
Speaker 2: know that there are a lot of different executive functioning
20:28
Speaker 2: skills within that that affect those things. But where would
20:32
Speaker 2: you kind of start with a kid who is really
20:35
Speaker 2: struggling to keep track of their stuff and maybe their
20:39
Speaker 2: paper for school, that sort of thing. I see this
20:42
Speaker 2: a lot in our population of neurodivergent kids.
20:46
Speaker 1: Yes, one not your percent. Organization is really hard. I
20:49
Speaker 1: mean it was hard like ten years ago or fifteen
20:52
Speaker 1: years ago when kids had a lot of papers, and
20:55
Speaker 1: now they have papers and they have all these digital files,
20:58
Speaker 1: so it's like this whole nother layer of organization. And
21:01
Speaker 1: so for young kids, one thing that can be really
21:04
Speaker 1: helpful if you have a student who there's papers cramped
21:07
Speaker 1: in every which way under their binder, and you find
21:09
Speaker 1: crumpled things at the bottom of their backpack. These kids
21:12
Speaker 1: are not kids that use binder as well, like whole
21:15
Speaker 1: punching and putting in the holes. They just don't. And
21:17
Speaker 1: so there are binders out there that have accordion folders
21:20
Speaker 1: in the back. And what I've found great success doing
21:24
Speaker 1: is helping kids when they get a paper, each tab
21:28
Speaker 1: is labeled in the accordion with subject. When you get
21:31
Speaker 1: a paper, put it in the accordion section in the back,
21:34
Speaker 1: and just by doing that, things are going to be
21:36
Speaker 1: in the right place and they're going to be chronologically organized. Later,
21:39
Speaker 1: if the teacher says no, no, no, you have to
21:41
Speaker 1: have it like this, you can do that. But in
21:43
Speaker 1: the moment when you get something, file it away like
21:47
Speaker 1: that for now. Other things I've found helpful for kids
21:51
Speaker 1: is to have a system for maintaining it because often
21:56
Speaker 1: you know, at the beginning of the year, everybody's organized.
21:58
Speaker 1: You've taken your kid to stay ort to target and
22:01
Speaker 1: they have these like lovely color coded folders, and then
22:05
Speaker 1: you look a month later and it's just like a
22:07
Speaker 1: total mess and it's kind of like starting all over again, like,
22:11
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, look at this, what a mess. Clean
22:13
Speaker 1: this out, and you're already in a power struggle over it.
22:16
Speaker 1: But you can maintain organization by setting up a time
22:20
Speaker 1: I call this a clean sweep once a week for
22:23
Speaker 1: like twenty minutes, and piggyback it off something you already do.
22:26
Speaker 1: So maybe you generally have dinner with your kids on
22:30
Speaker 1: Sunday night. After dinner, say okay, everybody let's get ready
22:34
Speaker 1: for our clean sweep. I'm going to turn up the
22:36
Speaker 1: music and make it super fun and say, Okay, everybody's
22:40
Speaker 1: going to organize something, including you. So for you, maybe
22:43
Speaker 1: it's your junk durer. For them, it could be their backpack,
22:46
Speaker 1: it could be their digital files. But the idea is
22:49
Speaker 1: that if you can do this once a week and
22:52
Speaker 1: get into this routine of keeping it maintained, it just
22:56
Speaker 1: feels a lot more doable to stay somewhat organ for kids,
23:00
Speaker 1: even when it's not their strength.
23:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, routines are so powerful when you're struggling with executive function,
23:07
Speaker 2: right because it takes those processes out of it totally.
23:11
Speaker 1: Because you know, as a parent, when we see things
23:14
Speaker 1: going off the rails for our kids, it's just like,
23:17
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I can't believe this. But if you're
23:20
Speaker 1: able to have some kind of routine like, okay, this
23:23
Speaker 1: is the routine when you get home from school, and
23:26
Speaker 1: there's a visual for little kids, this works great. Okay,
23:29
Speaker 1: when you come home, you have a snack and then
23:32
Speaker 1: you start your homework and then at six o'clock you
23:35
Speaker 1: can play video games. If it's in writing, that's best
23:39
Speaker 1: For older kids, it could be like, you know, you've
23:42
Speaker 1: noticed that you never really had a routine, and now
23:45
Speaker 1: they're sixteen and they're not starting their homework until ten o'clock.
23:49
Speaker 1: You can have a frank conversation, you know what. I've
23:52
Speaker 1: realized that we never had this in our house, and
23:56
Speaker 1: I think it's something that we need to do. So
23:59
Speaker 1: for now on when you get home, it's going to
24:02
Speaker 1: be our family rule that there's downtime, but there's the
24:06
Speaker 1: expectation at Holmark starts right before dinner. It's okay to
24:10
Speaker 1: do that, even if you've kind of let it go
24:12
Speaker 1: for a long time. It's okay as a parent to say, hey,
24:16
Speaker 1: we need to start doing this, and it's so that
24:19
Speaker 1: you're not having to start stay up so late at night.
24:22
Speaker 1: My role as a parent is to make sure you
24:24
Speaker 1: get to bed on time. That's okay too.
24:27
Speaker 2: It's never too late to start. So I get emails
24:30
Speaker 2: from parents all the time of teens or young adults
24:32
Speaker 2: and they're like, it's just too late for us, right.
24:34
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, it's never too late to change. It's
24:37
Speaker 2: never too late to start to see things from your
24:40
Speaker 2: kid's perspective or want to do things differently that are
24:43
Speaker 2: going to help. I want to talk before we wrap
24:46
Speaker 2: up about independence. I want to make sure that we
24:48
Speaker 2: talk about this in this context because we often and
24:52
Speaker 2: I certainly fell in this trap as having a kid
24:54
Speaker 2: with very poor executive functioning skills, I would find myself
24:58
Speaker 2: doing a lot for him instead of with him or
25:03
Speaker 2: teaching him those skills. And I had to at some
25:05
Speaker 2: point step back and say, Okay, how am I going
25:07
Speaker 2: to help him with this stuff but also teach him independence?
25:10
Speaker 2: How are we going to map out these strategies and
25:13
Speaker 2: processes and tools where I can be removed from the
25:17
Speaker 2: middle of it and he can still succeed. What do
25:21
Speaker 2: you want parents to know about that? Where do they
25:23
Speaker 2: need to focus in order to make sure that we're
25:27
Speaker 2: not enabling or prolonging that lack of skill and that
25:33
Speaker 2: lack of independent functioning.
25:35
Speaker 1: Well, Penny, it's so easy to do. I get it,
25:37
Speaker 1: because you know, you want your child to get their
25:41
Speaker 1: work done and turn it in and get good grades.
25:43
Speaker 1: And where they're not doing those things like turning their
25:46
Speaker 1: work in on time, and they don't know when they
25:48
Speaker 1: have something to do, it's just a natural inclination as
25:52
Speaker 1: a parent to jump in and say, oh my gosh,
25:53
Speaker 1: let me help you with this. This is super important
25:56
Speaker 1: and then before you know it, like you are, the
25:58
Speaker 1: kids exect you to function skills like yeah, hijack their
26:01
Speaker 1: front alone. And this is what we do as parents,
26:03
Speaker 1: and I think the first step is just to have
26:05
Speaker 1: a frank conversation with the child and say, I've noticed
26:11
Speaker 1: I've been doing this a lot for you, and I
26:14
Speaker 1: get the sense that you kind of want to be independent.
26:17
Speaker 1: You probably don't want me doing this for you. What
26:19
Speaker 1: do you think? Usually the kids like, yeah, you're right,
26:22
Speaker 1: you know, But then it's not good enough to say
26:25
Speaker 1: like okay, now you do this on your own. But
26:27
Speaker 1: then there has to be a conversation around okay, but
26:30
Speaker 1: I'm still worried about this. How will I know that
26:33
Speaker 1: you've got everything under control. Let's talk about this and
26:35
Speaker 1: come up with a plan. And so initially it might
26:39
Speaker 1: be that, Okay, when you get home, I would feel
26:43
Speaker 1: better if you just showed me what you have on
26:46
Speaker 1: tap for the evening and so I know you have
26:49
Speaker 1: a plan to go about this. It doesn't mean that
26:51
Speaker 1: as parents were going to critique it or tell them
26:54
Speaker 1: it's not right or anything like that, but we just
26:55
Speaker 1: want to know as parents that the child has a
26:58
Speaker 1: plan right, And and sometimes that's the first step is
27:02
Speaker 1: just letting them know, Okay, I may have gone overboard,
27:06
Speaker 1: and I want you to have this responsibility. I just
27:08
Speaker 1: need to know you've got this copverared.
27:11
Speaker 2: I love that. Yeah, And getting them thinking about what
27:15
Speaker 2: they're doing, rather than just going through the motions. When
27:20
Speaker 2: we sit down and we cue them to think about it,
27:22
Speaker 2: or we sit down and help them make a plan,
27:25
Speaker 2: it's not well, I'm just going to go willy nilly,
27:27
Speaker 2: do whatever, and I hope I get it all done
27:29
Speaker 2: right because I think then too, the things that I prefer,
27:33
Speaker 2: the things that are fun, are going to come in first, right,
27:36
Speaker 2: that sand is going to be first.
27:38
Speaker 1: Yeah. And we can even say like hey, what's your
27:41
Speaker 1: rock today, or like if you could only get one
27:44
Speaker 1: thing done today, what would it be? And so like that.
27:48
Speaker 1: Often that type of question fires up their executive function
27:51
Speaker 1: skills because in their brain they might be like, I've
27:52
Speaker 1: got these all these things to do. I don't know
27:54
Speaker 1: what they are, but there's a lot. But if you say,
27:56
Speaker 1: what's the one thing that really helps them to like
28:00
Speaker 1: mentally start to prioritize or look at their laptop and
28:04
Speaker 1: see what they have, and so often our kids need
28:07
Speaker 1: us to ask those we call them powerful questions, which
28:12
Speaker 1: can get them thinking.
28:14
Speaker 2: I love that powerful questions. Yeah, anything else that you
28:18
Speaker 2: want to make sure everyone knows about executive functioning at
28:21
Speaker 2: school stress before we wrap.
28:25
Speaker 1: I think the main thing is just to let kids
28:28
Speaker 1: know I'm on your team. We're in this together, We're
28:30
Speaker 1: going to figure this out together, and I am here
28:33
Speaker 1: for you. We don't always have to solve their problems,
28:36
Speaker 1: we really don't. That doesn't have to be our role
28:38
Speaker 1: as a parent, but just to let them know I'm
28:41
Speaker 1: here for you. You're a good kid, and I believe
28:43
Speaker 1: in you, and I think that messaging carries a lot
28:46
Speaker 1: of weight with kids.
28:47
Speaker 2: Absolutely, relationship first, Yes, that is going to go so
28:52
Speaker 2: far in even them allowing us to help or to
28:57
Speaker 2: guide right.
28:58
Speaker 1: Yes.
28:58
Speaker 2: Will you tell everybody where they can find you online
29:02
Speaker 2: and learn more from you work with you?
29:06
Speaker 1: Sure. Our website is ec tutoring dot com. That's for
29:11
Speaker 1: educational connections and that's really the best way to find us.
29:15
Speaker 1: You can read all about our programs and you can
29:17
Speaker 1: book a call with one of our program managers if
29:19
Speaker 1: you want to talk about your child and see it
29:21
Speaker 1: Bora at match to.
29:22
Speaker 2: Help awesome and I will link that up in the
29:25
Speaker 2: show notes for everybody that's at Parentingadhdanautsism dot com Slash
29:30
Speaker 2: two nine zero for episode two hundred and ninety and
29:35
Speaker 2: I thank you so much, Ann for the work that
29:38
Speaker 2: you're doing and the kids that you're helping in the
29:40
Speaker 2: families because it's not just the kids, and for you
29:44
Speaker 2: being here and sharing some of your time and your
29:46
Speaker 2: wisdom with us.
29:47
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me, Penny.
29:50
Speaker 2: I will see everybody next time. Take good care. Thanks
29:54
Speaker 2: for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you
29:57
Speaker 2: enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget
30:01
Speaker 2: to check out my online courses and parent coaching at
30:04
Speaker 2: parentingadh D and Autism dot com and at the Behavior
30:08
Speaker 2: Revolution dot com