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58: Be The Man w/ Josh Holyfield · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  This episode is sponsored by National Technology Management. Visit trustntm.com for more information. I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:21
  Welcome back to the heart of life podcast. My loves. I used to be an avid wrestling fan and a Rick Flair used to say to be the man. You got to beat the man. Today's guest has a book out aptly titled be the man. He is not only the man, the myth, the legend. He personifies beast mode and is the true real deal. Josh Holyfield tells life as he sees it with zero apologies. He's,
• 0:43
  He learns from his mistakes, shares them all with us, and most importantly, keeps moving forward. You can't beat someone who never gives up and continues to learn. Today's show, we're going to unpack this giant's daily routines and habits. Josh, long time coming, my brother. Grateful to have you on the show. Thanks, man. I know we've been chatting back and forth for quite a while now, and I'm excited to be here. I'm a huge fan. I got to tell you a couple of things. First of all, thank you for your service. Yeah.
• 1:13
  I'm in awe of you and what you're doing. And I did my first ever audio book with you because I was doing show prep two days ago. And I'm an avid reader. And I'm like, oh, my God, I can't get this guy's book done. And I didn't know he had a book out. So I binged it on Audible.
• 1:31
  Not my most favorite, but I got it and I loved it. So we're going to talk a lot about the book, but a lot about just you and who you are, because that intro was absolutely spot on. You are unapologetic about who you are as a man. And we're going to get right into it. What gets you out of bed in the morning? That's a good question. So honestly, man, what gets me out of bed is showing up and beating the guy that I was yesterday.
• 1:59
  I love that. Bam, start right off with a freaking laugh. So let's get it even deeper. What do you want your legacy to be? You know, and also another good question, man, you're on it today, Kelly. So it's kind of funny, because, you know, when I was younger, I thought my legacy was what I did. My job, my business, my career, whatever the case may be, what people remembered me as.
• 2:28
  And then when I had kids, especially my sons, I realized, no, man, my legacy is not what I do. It's what I teach and the impact that I created and the lessons and skills that I pass upon the world.
• 2:45
  And I think that applies for most men, especially fathers. But there comes another level of legacy that I'm trying to reach. And that's the legacy where you leave an imprint upon the world and change the way that they view things. Right. And to kind of give you an example, you know, Leonidas, Achilles. We don't know who their kids are. But we know who they are because of the mindset, the impact, the imprint, the dent they left in the world.
• 3:17
  That's the level of legacy that I want to reach. And I think the way that I'm going to do that is by shifting men back into the mindset of leadership by leading as an example. And that you do, my friend. Because we've come into a place...
• 3:36
  Yeah. If you don't follow this man, he is at Josh.Holyfield everywhere. And be certain to visit his website, JoshHolyfield.com, for all types of freebies in relation to fitness and nutrition. Why is working out so important to living a happy life? And why do most people think we are crazy? So, you know, I think that a lot of people do it for the aesthetics or the vanity of it.
• 4:04
  And for those that post themselves on the internet, sharing their workouts, sharing their progress, sharing their routines, for some of them, that may be the case. But for most of us, it's because it's the one thing that we can do in such a relatively easy world that actually gives us a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
• 4:27
  I wake up and I go to the gym and I have a goal. I have something that I can work towards. And it gives me a sense of confidence because I'm fulfilling those goals and fulfilling those commitments I make to myself. And the people who don't work out and go to the gym, they don't understand that. And so they resent it. But the people who do, they get it and they chase it. And, you know, the fact is, is the reason why I put such an emphasis on it is because
• 4:54
  As a father and as a man and as a leader, my job is to be an example. And I truly believe that that starts with being competent and it starts with being capable. And if I'm overweight, I'm out of shape, I'm sloppy, I'm not able to move and I'm not able to protect or provide for my family, then that limits my ability to be a man and be a father and be a good husband. And so I feel that being healthy and fit is a prerequisite to being a good man.
• 5:21
  Bro, you say it with such conviction. You make me want to freaking stand up and run through the freaking bottom. I love it. So you'll love this. When I wake up in the morning, as soon as my eyes open, I want to win.
• 5:32
  I start with a little gratitude and a couple of things that I'm grateful for. And boom, my feet hit the ground and people got to look out. It's time. It's winning time. We're going to get out. Don't stand on the tracks when the train's coming through and on the train. So what's the first thing you do in the morning? And what's the last thing you do before bed? Sure. So very first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning is I drink 30 ounces of water.
• 6:01
  Why? Of course, after handling all my man stuff, right? Right. Going to the bathroom and all that. But very first thing I do once I've gone to the bathroom and I've kind of done is, is I drink 30 ounces of water and then I go step outside and I try to get at least five to 10 minutes of sun. Why 30 ounces? Because I'm looking at a typical water bottle, 16.9 fluid ounces. How many? Why 30? So, so like two quarts, right? So 32 ounces. So the reason I drink that much water is because you're, when you sleep, you're fasting.
• 6:32
  And that's one of the things that a lot of these intermittent fasters don't realize is like your fasting period is built in. It's when you sleep. And so that's when you're burning all the fat. That's when you're, you know, all the muscle gains are being made. That period of time is when all the progress happens from the hard work that you put in during the day is when you sleep, when you recover. And it costs a lot. You're sweating. And so everybody wakes up dehydrated.
• 6:59
  Start your day with that 30 ounces of water. Get everything going. Get everything moving. Get the blood pumping. That way you can step off your day on the best foot possible with giving your body the resources that it needs. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed? Do you want me to talk a little bit personal or do you typically –
• 7:22
  Before we climb into bed. Yeah. So I'm, I'll be honest with you, man. Like I'm not a huge routine type of guy. My morning routine is much more important to me. Most of my work happens at night in the evenings because all of my clients are blue collar type guys. And so like, as an example, last night, the last thing that I did before bed was I coach, I was coaching men.
• 7:46
  You don't take any kind of a break or anything to chime to like wind down before you go to bed? No, most of the time that we spend during the evenings or that I spend during the evenings before bed is just getting that quality time in with my wife. I heard something on your book. Did I hear this right where you coach over 6,000 men? Yeah.
• 8:11
  Yeah. Yeah. So actually that number is closer to 10,000. Now we have over 10,000 active mobile app users of my workout programs who all have direct access to me and my team through the app, as well as the Facebook community. And then we have about 500 between the five coaches that I have full time, one-on-one coaching clients. Do you charge for the app or is it just that comes with the coaching?
• 8:38
  So the app itself is free. I have one workout program that you can get for absolutely free. It's a four week plan. We've had guys lose hundreds of pounds just off of that plan, which includes a meal plan that you can follow and you just repeat it over and over. And then we have paid options that are like range between 30 and $70 for the program. And you buy it once you keep it for life. Nice. Nice. You can get that on the website.
• 9:02
  Yep, yep. So actually, joshholyfield.com or theironforge.us is where you can find access to all that stuff. Very nice. We'll have that in the show notes. So I'm big and proponent of working out this. Consistency and discipline, I think, are my middle names. Everybody's like, they think we just have this magic pill and you can just pop some pill and be big. And no, I didn't. I've been working out for 30 years.
• 9:27
  years, 30 years, day in and day out. So until they do something for 30 years, I don't want to hear it. Just just shut up. Family play family, family often plays a big role in shaping who we are. Do you have any interesting family traditions or stories you'd like to share? So no, but what I would like to share with you that I think is important is
• 9:52
  The family tradition that's kind of been built into my bloodline is addiction and failure. And it's been passed from generation to generation to generation of allowing substances and influence and distractions in the world to impact your potential and cause you to self-destruct. Now you're talking about jam. Yeah.
• 10:15
  And, you know, I've seen it. Both of my parents were drug addicts. My brother's a drug addict. I have family that have, you know, my father died while incarcerated because of drugs.
• 10:28
  And so I hate to take this down a dark path, but this is so important, I think, for people who are listening who have a family tradition or don't have traditions because you have broken families or generational trauma or bad habits that have been passed to you. It's your responsibility to change that conversation and create the tradition of, you know, passing positive leadership traits and teaching your family and teaching your children. So I have a big family. I have six kids.
• 10:57
  My wife and I, we have, you know, two together and then we have four others. And I'll tell you right now, man, my goal is to create the family tradition. I am. So I was going to ask, I want to dig a little deeper into dad because you went your whole entire book without mentioning him. And once I haven't heard a peep about him until just now, can you just give a backstory? Because.
• 11:22
  Most of the time, if there's addiction, it has to do with the family. And that was exactly what happened with me. I literally was drinking the poison, expecting my parents to die. And until I forgave them, I didn't forget anything, but I forgave them. I couldn't move on.
• 11:42
  and live my life. And it's, it's too much to bear. So I got a sneaky suspicion. There's some, some, something in there with about your dad. And I'd like to share as much as you're comfortable sharing for the listeners, because there's somebody listening to this right now that's pissed off at their dad or pissed off at their mom or both. And it's holding them back, Josh. So for me, my father wasn't present for most of my life. Um,
• 12:09
  And, you know, once I became an adult, I realized it wasn't just his fault. My mom kept him from us. Right. And so there was kind of a mix between, you know, mom's fault, dad's fault for why he didn't take ownership. But bottom line is growing up, he wasn't around, man. And when he was, it was about him. You know, he struggled with bipolar disorder. He was quite a bit of a narcissist, always drug addicted. Yeah.
• 12:36
  And I remember, you know, the most, the fondest memories I have of my father were of my teenage years when he finally, what I thought figured it out, right. He's a tattoo artist. He had two businesses, you know, he's making really great money. He was doing well for himself. Beautiful wife, started a new family, had a big house. And after, you know, a while of building that success for himself, he got bored.
• 13:07
  And so after going through his 20s and his early 30s of being a complete garbage disposal of life and just not doing anything for himself, he finally figured it out, got a good woman. And then once he had it made, he self-destructed himself for no reason. And I hated him for it, right? And so there's a story I'll tell. So long story short is when that self-destruction happened, he was actually, he,
• 13:38
  Long story short, he was drunk driving, ran into another guy, put him in the hospital and fled the scene. Ran away and then got a ride home, reported the car stolen and almost got away from away with it. But his ex-wife actually ratted him out and ended up getting 10 years in prison. He left his at the time six year old daughter behind.
• 14:05
  She went through an entire life of trauma because she no longer had her dad and her mom obviously was struggling to survive after that point. And I had a lot of resentment and blame for him because it was like, dude, you had it figured out and look at all the lives that you ruined because you didn't have self-control.
• 14:25
  And so I spent a lot of time blaming my dad for a lot of my traumas and my poor decisions and the things that I was doing. And you're right. He's not mentioned in my book. And the reason he's not mentioned in my book is because for most of my life, I thought to myself, this guy taught me everything I don't want to be.
• 14:47
  Right. Some people you learn what you want to be. Other people you learn what you don't want to be. So he doesn't deserve a seat in my book because there's nothing that I gained from him. And the real reason why I felt that way was because I didn't I never forgave him for the things he did teach me. You know. And I started writing the book, I finished the book before he died, I didn't publish the book until after he died.
• 15:17
  And it wasn't until after he died that I forgave him. I realized all the great impact and the great things that he did for me and my family. And I wouldn't be an entrepreneur if it wasn't for him. He was a brilliant man. And he did an amazing job with teaching me to the best of the ability that he had and that he was taught.
• 15:47
  But he had a problem and he didn't know how to ask for help and it ruined him. And so now I tell the story about if you have somebody in your life that you love and, you know, there's something keeping you guys apart because of whatever the case may be. I'm going to tell you right now, it doesn't matter. Call him. Go see him.
• 16:15
  Because there's going to come a point in time when you're going to be standing up on a podium speaking their eulogy. And I know for me, that was the case. I wrote his eulogy. I did his funeral single-handedly, took care of all of that by myself. My brothers and sisters didn't help. And I found myself up on that podium. I broke down in tears. Not because of what I said, but because of what I missed.
• 16:45
  You just triggered me because that's my life. And I want to say thank you for sharing and kudos for ending the cycle of abuse with you. Those six kids are going to really appreciate it. That's exactly what happened with me. And it wasn't until I fully forgave them and I was able to look and say, you know, the reason why I'm such a hard worker
• 17:12
  is because when I finally got over the anger of what I didn't have, I was able to look for the few things that they did give me. You know, they did put a roof over my head. My stepfather, literally what caught me to stop drinking and I figured it out later, was I watched him quit drinking cold turkey. That's what I did. I just said, I'm done. This isn't serving me anymore. And then I shared this on social media, but I'm not sure.
• 17:42
  When I quit, the emotions flooded me. And it was the hardest thing I ever did. I did it alone, I don't recommend that. There's AA, there's outpatient therapy. I probably should have done something, but I didn't. I sat myself at home and locked myself in and just cried and just felt it until the withdrawals finally flipped through. More story is this, I was able to have compassion and realize when he quit,
• 18:09
  He didn't have the tools and habits and rituals that I have today. I am an avid workout guy. I meditate. I journal. I have a million friends. They had none of that. He did it all alone. And I all of a sudden had this compassion for him and went, wow. Now, do I talk to them? They're still alive. No. I know. And I know it goes against what you just said. Call them. They are so negative that every time I go to them,
• 18:38
  I feel worse. So I will say my goodbyes at their funeral and I'm not going to call them, but I do respect your advice. I have tried. And every time I go and I reach out, it's just horrific. And it's just, I realized why I need to keep my distance. And I'm at peace with that. I respect them. I have love for them. But, you know, I'm still battling the lack of love to this day.
• 19:06
  You know, I, there's times that I love myself. I've done violent therapy, but there's times that I don't think I'm lovable because they just were never around. I raised myself. You know, so, um, we don't realize the collateral damage that we're doing when we're being selfish and drinking and drugging and everything, because it does spill over. I thought I wasn't hurting anybody, but man, I, I was crushing my family.
• 19:34
  Why do you think that he recidivated like that? Why do you think he was bored? I mean, I can tell you right now, Josh, I have zero. There's a 0% chance I ever have a drink again. I know. I just. I have so many tools and tricks to fall back on if I ever even think. I'm coming up on five years of no alcohol. And I just I'll never touch it again. Why do you think I'm interested for me? This is this is me learning. Why do you think he went back? Because I don't ever want to do that.
• 20:04
  So this is obviously just my assessment based upon my own experience with mental health, but everybody deals with their internal struggles. You know, we'll say they're demons differently. You know, I know for a fact, his life wasn't easy. He struggled with a lot of trauma. And I also know that, you know, one of the things that alcohol has done for me
• 20:29
  was it doesn't mask that pain, but it does a good job of making it hurt a little bit less. And, you know, when depression starts to creep into your life, a lot of times you seek an immediate instant fix. And when something has worked before and it's a sure thing, it's easy to lock your mind on, that's the solution that I need.
• 21:00
  And so if you never heal and solve the problems and the trauma that are causing that thing, then you're always going to revert back to those original bad habits, regardless of how far down the path you go.
• 21:15
  For him, I think that he ignored the problems, ignored the pain, ignored all the things that he went through in his past and decided he just wanted to bottle it all up. And then eventually what happened after a period of time is it just caught up to him. He didn't know how to deal with that, didn't know how to talk about it, didn't know how to handle those issues. And...
• 21:39
  Because of that, he went right back to those bad habits, because that's the only thing he knew that could help with that type of pain. Yeah, that's good advice. That's good, because I have so many new fallbacks to do. So since you went there, I'm going to ask you one quick question, and then there's a follow-up. Do you drink anymore?
• 22:00
  So very casually, socially, not something that I, you know, I used to be a daily drinker. We're talking about like a handle of crown every five, six days. And that was especially most I was the heaviest drinker when I got out of the military. That's my question. Yeah, that's gonna be my question. So in your book, you discuss that your first wife's infidelity when you were deployed in Afghanistan. Again, thank you for your service. I couldn't imagine that, you know, you read about.
• 22:29
  how it was over there. And so I couldn't even imagine. And then to throw that on, on top of it, you go into the detail in your book that, you know, you get a message that your wife's with somebody else and then you get home and you had nobody. She'd taken the kid and gone. I could. And so what do you do? You turn to alcohol and I called it the devil's juice. Tell the listeners what happened and, and you know, how you felt and how you overcame that, because that's a,
• 22:59
  I could throw anybody in a tailspin. And this is in the book, by the way. So I just, I don't, you guys go by the book. It's Be the Man, Reclaim Your Confidence, and Avoid Mediocrity. What's the subtitle?
• 23:15
  Man, I was actually thinking about that earlier. I was like, I got to remember my own name. You have the book with me. I'm sorry, but I had to binge it. By the way, it's so good. I literally, it was two hours and 43 minutes to listen to it. I listened to it straight through. I could not. I listened to it before the gym, and then I went to the gym and listened to it. And I made a bunch of notes because...
• 23:37
  we're a lot of like my, my biological father passed away from drinking. Um, I, the chapter titles are almost identical to the chapter titles of my book. It's just, I don't negotiate with myself. And that's what you're saying. It's like most won't, I will. And I'm not going to sit here and go, I'm not going to go to the gym. I don't feel like I got a news flash. I didn't feel like going to the gym this morning. I went. Yeah. So it's, uh, how to reclaim your confidence and win the war against mediocrity. Bam.
• 24:08
  Highly recommend you read it. And again, if you're an audible guy, two hours and 43 minutes, it's Josh in his stoic voice. You could hear when I read mine, like you could hear my voice crackling with parts that were that still trigger me. So you are just freaking, that's probably the military training in you right there. Well, I try, you know, honestly, it was, I did the whole thing in my house right here. Really? Yeah.
• 24:37
  Yeah. So I used this microphone right here to record it. And then I hired a sound engineer to fix everything. And so I was able to do takes. And basically what I did was like for a few nights in a row, I just closed myself off, sent my family, and I just read the book. And...
• 24:56
  So give us a snippet of, of it in a little more detail. I mean, you're in Afghanistan and find out about this and then you come home and you're alone, man. And I, and, and bro, I just, I, I, I, I'm gonna make it weird. I wish I could hug you because that abandonment and that betrayal, if you're anything like me, man. Well, the worst part about it for me was that, you know, the part that I kind of left out was all of my closest friends and my family
• 25:26
  And because when I got out of the military, I moved home. That's where we were. It was in Sacramento, California. I moved my wife and my kid and I got, I got a place there, but I struggled to make ends meet. So I took a job as a contractor overseas working for special ops so I could provide for my family. And so that was the whole situation was I got out of the military and
• 25:51
  I was kind of left there with my pants around my ankles. Like, what am I going to do to provide for this, this family I made? Like, like I did this, I need to do whatever it takes. So I was living in the same area with all of her family, all of my family and all of my closest friends. And so then after I deployed, I was gone for like 10 months. She literally spent the whole time. There was another dude living in my house. No one told me.
• 26:20
  None of my friends, none of my family, nobody told me what was going on. And they were just okay with me just being gone, risking my life every single day to provide. And so then when I found out, I jumped on a plane and I came home and she caught wind of me coming and basically left.
• 26:42
  So at that point in time, I got back to my house and there wasn't even any evidence of my existence in that place. The dude that she was with, who she had living there, didn't know I existed. My daughter was calling him dad. She didn't know who I was. And here I am in my empty, broken home. I went off the rails, man.
• 27:11
  I went and I saw alcohol party, hard drugs. And I'll tell you, I'll be honest. When I got back from that trip, I had, you know, quite a bit of money in the bank, especially for, you know, a guy in his early twenties. I went and had some fun, but it wasn't fun. It was, what can I do to, you know, mask this pain? Escape reality. Exactly. And it took me about a week and I crashed. Yeah.
• 27:40
  And that all culminated with, you know, a pack of menthols, a nine millimeter Glock and a bottle of Jack Daniels on the back patio of that apartment. In the book, by the way, this is in the book. And your mom is the one that's like, keep going, man. Keep going. Yeah. And so, you know, for me, you know, that was that wasn't even the hardest part about my life.
• 28:06
  That was just the wake up call where it's like, bro, like you got to put you first because it doesn't matter. There's always going to be people out there who want to take advantage. You have to protect yourself. That was the lesson that I learned from that. Right. But, you know, I grew up homeless in and out of, you know, it was bad. But so for me, I was sitting on that back patio. And the question that I kept asking, I was praying and I couldn't figure it out is when am I going to get a break?
• 28:35
  When am I going to get a break? Like my entire life has been nothing but pain and hardship and trauma. And I did nothing to deserve this. I've always tried to do the right thing and be a good person. And it doesn't matter how hard I work to do what's right. This keeps happening and it gets worse and more difficult. And, you know, in that moment, my mom, I don't even remember how she got there or what happened. But the sliding glass door of that patio opened and I asked her that same question. And she said, you're never going to get a break.
• 29:07
  And that lesson is something that I carry with me even today. When you have problems in your life, the reason why you continue to see that problem is because you haven't figured out how to solve it. And if you solve a problem and you move to the next step in your life and you face another one, that's God giving you the opportunity and the chance to grow and to become the man that you're called to be.
• 29:32
  Because those lessons and all those traumas and all those pains and the things that I thought I was victim to when I was younger are now the same solutions and lessons that I'm teaching men today. And that I do this for a living. And if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here with you today. Right? I love it. In Chapter 7, Taking Ownership, and I'm going from memory on this because I didn't write this down.
• 30:01
  pretty much will take ownership and accountability for her cheating. Don't you? I, yeah, I do. Bam. And it's not, and it's not because I'm a simp and you know, it's my fault. It's because I control the outcomes in my life. That's it. Bam. And the second I become a victim to her, I'm saying that she has more control over my outcomes than I do. And that I will never give that to anyone.
• 30:30
  I love it. I agree with that. I would add one more step to this is when you said that people take an advantage of you, I think it's more of just, I'm a big four agreements guy and I just don't make assumptions. I don't think anything personal. I believe that hurt people, hurt people because they don't want to deal with their shit. You just did exactly what they should be doing. You dealt and owned it and that's what's problem. And that's what you're inadvertently teaching.
• 30:55
  No, you're not inadvertently. You're absolutely teaching us. So, again, this isn't meant to be a bromance, but, man, I'm proud of you. And you are what every man needs to hear. And I just, I can't, I don't even know you. The universe brought us together, but we're going to do some stuff together, and I appreciate it. And that's, I just, I'm in awe of you. I appreciate that. Thank you.
• 31:23
  And then let me throw you through it. Losers assigned blame, winners fix problems, man. What advice would you give an 18-year-old today? Or let's take it to the 23-year-old. Because you were 23 when you came back from Afghanistan. 23-year-old today. Because it's a different world than when you were there, than 15 years ago. I mean, we got social media. It's soft. What advice do you give your younger coaches? So I have two sons, and...
• 31:53
  One of the things that I've had to teach my wife is that I have to be harder than my sons in the world ever will be. So that's the first thing, right? And so going into fast forward 20 years to the advice that I would give a 23 year old is you need to figure out you first. That was my next question. Hold on a second. I'm going to interrupt. How hard are you on you?
• 32:23
  There's no one who's ever going to be harder on me than me. I'm most critical of myself. I push myself. Everyone in my life asks me to take a break, but they don't understand. There's a calling and a purpose that comes with what I do. And if you're a 23-year-old, you need to find that.
• 32:50
  Don't allow distractions into your life because I promise you I'm 35. It's going to come very quick. And the last thing that you ever want to do is look back upon your life and wish you could have or would have. Find your purpose. Find your purpose. Is it a calling, Josh, or is it survival? Be honest with me. For me? We're a lot alike. Yeah. Yeah.
• 33:14
  So what I do here started as, I'll be frank with you, man. It started as I need to figure out a way to make some money because I've got lawyer bills. That's why I started my fitness company. My custody, going through divorce and custody, the family court, I ended up forking over somewhere around $150,000, $160,000 just to see my kids.
• 33:37
  It took me two and a half years of going back and forth in a court during COVID so that I could just see my children. You have a relationship with them now or they live with you? Yeah. So we have about 40, 60 split. And I fought tooth and nail for it. I gave everything that I have. That's why I started this, you know, the business that I have. But now I quit my, I had a six figure full-time federal employment job with the Department of the Navy.
• 34:08
  I could have wrote a desk for the rest of my life and been perfectly secure with benefits and retirement and everything that I needed to support my family. But I had to make a decision between freedom and purpose, security and freedom. Excuse me. You know, security that comes with a job like that, working for the government. Hey, you ride this desk for the next 20 years. We'll make sure that you're taken care of. But guess what? You're chained to this desk.
• 34:36
  or enjoy the freedom of being an entrepreneur and business owner without the security. And I made the decision that I wanted to live a life of complete freedom where I didn't have to answer to anybody. And that's why I do what I do. And your purpose, your help immense. And I love it. And part three of the book, work ethic, you tell a story about grit and how at a height as a high school wrestler, you didn't live up to expectations. How does that manifest in you today? We have talked about it, but let's dig right into it. Um,
• 35:08
  You know, I think that there's a really, really, there's an internal struggle that every high performer has. Is I know that I'm better than everyone else, but I know that I'm also not good enough. I love how just beaten potatoes you are, man. And it's true. Like there are some people who are meant for greatness and there are some people who are meant to flip burgers and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 35:37
  But I can tell you that for the people who are above average intelligence, above average competence, and who have the propensity to go and be great, they're going to be incredibly hard upon themselves. And most of them don't. The only reason they don't become great is because they don't have the work ethic that's necessary to get there. Talent is only going to take you so far. The guys who win, the dude who takes home the prom queen, is the one who's willing to work for it. Period. Period.
• 36:05
  And that may not be the case growing up in high school because, you know, sociology and the social structure of that. But once you come into a place where you grow up and become a man or you become an adult, you realize that it doesn't matter how talented, how intelligent, how attractive, how pretty you are. It's are you willing to put in the work? Period.
• 36:27
  Harder than life, baby. Love it. Part two is discipline. And you said something that I loved. Expand on your motivation is emotion. Yeah. So, you know, it's kind of funny. I just did a podcast on this where I talked about it for my audience. And we had talked about the whole concept of what would you do if you went into your kid's room and you said, hey, I need you to clean your room. And they looked at you and you said, no, I don't feel like it.
• 36:56
  probably pretty upset right like how to especially if it was a teenager right like who are you talking to right you do know i have a teenage daughter so the guy gave me a daughter and she's beautiful and i'm like so i and she's got me wrapped around her finger she knows no hardship like i did i grew up so she's spoiled beyond all records but has her priorities and and um it's spoiled but and and i call it spoiled like you know she has
• 37:27
  Does she have self-esteem? She loves herself and it's tough. Being a daughter of a personal development person who pulled themselves out of the gutter. Because I will not let her.
• 37:42
  You said that and you triggered me. I'm so hard on her, it's not even funny. Her mom will call me and be like, she's mad at you. I don't care. I'm not here to win a popularity contest. I'm her father. I'm here to make her an average. I said to you, I dropped her off at school today. I said, you're just a complete savage. Just be an assassin. She's laughing, hurt her friend, laughing. But she knows what I've been grooming her to do. And that's what you're doing. So keep going.
• 38:11
  And so as far as that whole situation is concerned, right, is at the end of the day, like you're going to tell your kids, I don't care what you feel like you're going to do it. Right. Your kid doesn't feel like going to school. What do you tell him? You got to go anyway. Or in a situation where you, you know, you don't want to go to work. You don't you go anyway. Motivation is literally just the reason we do things.
• 38:40
  That's the definition of motivation. It's you have something in your life that's driving you to do something. It's motivating you. It's a feeling. It's how you feel. And so why are you allowing the outcomes in your life to be driven by how you feel? That's the question that you should be asking yourself. If you're struggling with motivation, what you're telling yourself is that your feelings have the ultimate authority over your life and your outcomes.
• 39:10
  And especially if you're a man, that should not be the case. You should be driving your life based upon logic and desired outcomes, not based upon how you feel.
• 39:23
  And I think this is a much more societal sociology conversation than anything as it stands today. It's like most people are driven by how they feel, which is why they struggle with creating discipline. It's because they don't understand that in order to create something, you have to marry yourself to the process. And if you don't marry yourself to the process, then you can't enjoy the outcome. And they want the outcome. They don't want the work. Because they don't feel like it.
• 39:52
  And that's the problem. I don't swear very much on my podcast, but I always say this. Fuck your feelings. Yeah. And, you know, that's a short, short version of that, you know, but I can't, I talk to, I'm not even over exaggerating here, man, is, is at least 50 to 100 new leads per day for my coaching business. Where do they come from?
• 40:15
  Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, we run, we run, we spend about $50,000 a month on Facebook advertising. Wow. Okay. And so this isn't something that's small by any stretch of the word. And I can tell you talking to that many people has taught me a lot about like the current state of men and where we are as a society. Yeah.
• 40:35
  And I can tell you right now that almost 70 to 80% of the guys who come into my inbox and are looking for help. They tell me that the reason why they can't get on track and make their health a priority, despite all of their health conditions, type two by diabetes, high blood pressure, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, is because they're not motivated. What's a pain and avatar for who should be reaching out to you. So the heart and life listeners here, it's a,
• 41:05
  you're going to get a good flux from us because yeah. Yeah. So, so,
• 41:12
  So I work with, typically I like to work with business owners, entrepreneurs, blue collar type men, the type of dudes who are listening to the things that I'm saying and saying, hell yeah, this guy's got it. Right? Those are the people, my people I want to work with. If you're wearing a dress, I don't want to talk to you, whether you're a man or a woman. Right? Period. And it's not because I have anything against you. It's because those, this is not the demographic of people who I resonate with and I connect with. Right?
• 41:38
  Um, we do have some female clients, but most of the female clients are more kind of what we would say masculine types. Um, and the age bracket of people that we typically work with is about 35 plus. Right. You don't, you don't think any of the people in our comments that the ones are telling me that I need to be taking days off. And, and obviously it's the steroids that allows me to, uh, work out every day. And that's how I'm so big. And, you know, I just run on, they're not your typical.
• 42:07
  The funniest thing is, if you ever want to be entertained, go respond. I'm the emphasis of you. I risk killing with kindness. And then every once in a while, I'll say, hey, just post a picture of yourself on here. Show me how it's done, please. Because this is 30 years of working out. So you'll get a kick out of this. So last night, we're recording this on Friday the 13th, and there was all this world stuff about there's going to be some bad things happening today, yada, yada, yada.
• 42:33
  So my ex-wife says to me, what do you think about me keeping our daughter home from school? I go, for what? I was so oblivious. I'm like, for what? And I went, oh, you mean that stupid thing that's going on? And I said, she's going to school. We don't live our life in fear. And she said, well, you need to tell the boss that.
• 42:55
  which she was referring to my daughter. And I said, well, you tell her that if she wants to go to driver's training and goes to camp next, she'll be in school tomorrow. And then I immediately get a message from my daughter. That's mom being mom. So where I'm going with this is, what's your biggest fear? Not being prepared. That's my biggest fear. So we live in a dark, very, very dark, scary world.
• 43:26
  I mean, you guys see it all the time and I don't want to bring, bring us there, but anything can happen. And the, the, the biggest regret that I would ever have is being incompetent, not being prepared in the event that I needed to protect my family, my loved ones.
• 43:49
  Like, how would I feel? How incompetent and useless and just, I couldn't live with myself. If there was a situation that required that my wife and my children be kept safe, I'd
• 44:04
  You know, you see the things that are happening with the school shootings and the terrorist things that have been happening all over the place and people being robbed and crime. And who knows what could happen, right? Like we could find ourselves in a Batman scenario with Bruce, you know, Martha and, you know, Tom Wayne. And I'm not there or capable of protecting my family. Like I could never live with myself. So my biggest fear is being incompetent.
• 44:33
  You're a bad motherfucker, man. I enjoy you. Here, I'll stand up and show you. There it is. I carry two guns and another one in my back. So I'm always prepared. So that's why I laugh when everybody calls me out. I'm like, just Google me, man. It ain't hard to find. I'm not hard to find.
• 44:56
  So having said that, can you share some hobbies and interests? It seems like you work all the time and you work from home. So can you share some hobbies and interests that are outside of work? Yeah. So you'd be surprised by this. I'm a little bit of a gamer. Oh, you talk a lot of shit about that. Yeah. And so I do. And the reason I do is because gaming was one of the things that I used as an outlet to escape reality when I was going through all of that depression and things that I was dealing with with PTSD. Yeah.
• 45:25
  Right after my first deployment, dude, I literally checked out and went into the World of Warcraft for years and never left it. And it destroyed me mentally. It destroyed my first marriage. And it was a serious problem. It was an addiction. Now I've gotten to a place where, you know, kind of the same thing with alcohol. As I've realized, like, these things aren't terribly bad for you. As long as you accept them into your life in moderation, you have the control to not allow those things to control you.
• 45:54
  That's the key is can I quit? Absolutely. How I can prove to myself right now that I can quit. I went cold Turkey from tobacco a couple, a couple months ago, literally, you guys don't believe me. I can't go cold Turkey from this. Boom. I'll never touch chewing tobacco ever again. I chewed for 15 years, have that degree of control over your life. And it completely transforms the way that you perceive these quote unquote vices.
• 46:21
  Right. If you don't if you don't have the ability to to control it like alcohol, if that's a serious problem, then relinquish it from your life. But if you have the ability to control it and you are the one calling the shots, then cool. Like, do you do you? And that's kind of how I look at it. And so, yes, I play video games. I do, you know, a few hours a week. I really enjoy it. It's a great outlet for me.
• 46:42
  Right. Hey, I ain't judging, man. I thought, I think it's awesome. Thank you for sharing that by the way, because I, you know, it's, you're not all piss and vinegar and frustration. So, because in the book, man, it comes across like you want to kill people. And, um,
• 46:58
  you can get some, I'm glad to know that you have some kind of outlet so you don't go kill people. But, um, I, uh, you know, I'm addicted to the expansion of my being, which is also was my mind and my body. So whenever I'm feeling something, my outlet is to go to the gym, go walk in nature or read.
• 47:19
  It's, and those are, and that's what's created this harder than life mantra. So it's, those are good things to have, but I wish I could sit and veg out and do like rewatch TV. There's times I'm going to Florida tonight. I have a house in Florida. I'm going to tonight. I won't even turn on the TV. I'll be there all weekend. Won't even turn on the TV. Not once.
• 47:38
  I will read, I will meditate, I will journal, I will plan my plotting of attack and killing of next week for work. And I'm going to the Lions game in Tampa Bay and meeting some people and then right back here to be the dad and leader. So we're coming up against it. If we could create one universal law that we all had to follow, what would it be and why? Do the next right thing. That's all you have to do.
• 48:09
  Give me the, give me an example. Cause a lot of people will justify the next right thing. Who's decides what the next right thing is. You do. And so the thing is, is, and this is kind of interesting that you asked it, that asked that question that way is you only know what, you know, you don't know what you don't know. And that's the trap, the challenge with life, right? A lot of, a lot of times people don't realize that I don't know what I don't know.
• 48:37
  And that's a problem. So you can only make decisions based upon the information that you know. And what we do know is probably not right because it's meant to kept us safe in the trauma as we were a child. Sure, 100%. And so your job is to just do the next right thing. Because a lot of times, and the reason I'm giving this advice is because I know for me, like when I look at life, it's big.
• 49:05
  And there's a lot of problems and it's hard and it's stressful. And, you know, people are living in a place where they don't know the solution to a lot of the problems they have in their life. And they don't know what the next step is. And a lot of times the best way to eat an elephant is a one bite at a time. Just take the next step. Just do the next right thing.
• 49:27
  And maybe it's not the right thing, but you know what? Like if you just look and live in a place where you learn from your mistakes and you continue moving forward, it's impossible to fail. That's the problem is most people quit when it gets hard. But if I just do the next right thing, what I think is the right thing, and I live in a place of integrity with that, and I learn from my mistakes, eventually you're going to get to the top of the mountain and you're going to learn a lot on the way.
• 49:56
  And then you can turn around and help a lot more people get through that same path. Bro, what you just said is how I intro'd you, and I have no clue who you are. I said he learns from his mistakes, shares them with us, and most importantly, keeps moving forward. You just said it. That's it. You're beautiful. I love you. If there's anything I can do to support you at any time, man, you want me to speak to your group, anything that I can do to support you, you have it. You're like my brother from another mother. You'd be surprised to know I'm 12 years older than you, though, so...
• 50:26
  I can't tell by looking at you. Oh, no, no. Look at some of the comments on my social media. They say you, I say it everywhere. I'm 47. They go, you look 57. I go, thank you. This is a mom because they want to get in a fight with me. I'm like, I'm not going to fight with you. You win. You remember, you remember hurt people hurt people. Yeah. Because they're just avoiding having to deal with their own stuff. It's the one part they can control is hurting you. And I don't, I don't ever fricking deal with it. Is there anything I haven't asked you today that you feel compelled to share?
• 50:57
  So you brought back, you brought up a point when we were talking about my dad. And I just want to give you another perspective about that that I think is really important for the audience. Can I just stop you for just one second? I want to tell you something.
• 51:11
  And a day goes by that I don't miss my dad. My biological father's died. And I said that if I drank himself to death and I think about him daily, I wish I could call my dad and say, dad, I just interviewed the fricking another kid of ours. Um, and I can't, and I miss him. And I just want to share that because you probably feel the same way. And I talked to him and I love my biological father was very smart, but he was just the demons just took him over. So, um,
• 51:36
  I'd imagine you feel the same way. So please go into it. I wanted to share cause I like being vulnerable and it brings us closer. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I'm the same way, man. Like I think about my father every day, you know, you see there, you may be able to see there's a drawing right here behind me on this side. Oh, other side. He drew, he drew that picture. You can't really see it that well, but it's a, it's a drawing of me.
• 52:04
  with a Camaro and like some other things, but he drew that in prison when he was, and sent it to me, it's on a piece of cloth. And I've got a bunch of those small cloth, you know, canvases that he sent over the period of time when I, when he was locked up, where I have like boxes of them. And so like, there's pieces of my dad all over my life, right? Like I've actually got his urn right here with his ashes sitting right here at my desk.
• 52:31
  And so it's kind of interesting that you said, like, I didn't, I didn't mention him in my book. And I never really thought about it until now. Right. And so the advice that I gave earlier was, the advice that I gave earlier was, you know, if they're here, call them. And, you know, maybe that works for some people. But the other piece of advice that I think kind of applies to your rebuttal to that is this. My father was a brilliant man.
• 53:01
  meant for so much more than he ever did or accomplished. And the reason he didn't was because he compromised. He compromised his standards. He compromised his boundaries. And he didn't respect himself. The number one and biggest lesson I learned from my father is never compromise.
• 53:31
  Never tolerate. Never accept less. If you have standards and expectations for your life and you know exactly what they are, hold them. Own them. Don't falter. Don't bend. Don't accept less because the quality of your life is dictated by the quality of your standards. And so if you're looking at your life right now and you're unhappy, it's because you've compromised those standards. Whether that be people in your life or how you treat yourself.
• 54:02
  Hold that bar and you'll see the quality of your life improve. Josh, there are no coincidences. You're speaking right to me right now, man. And I just, I have chills all through my body. I'm so triggered and I love it. I love this feeling. It's, it's.
• 54:18
  This hour flew by. I'm going to have you back, and please keep in touch. You have my cell phone. I have yours, and I'm going to reach out to you because I want to talk to you about that app because we're launching an app and doing the same thing. I'm just grateful that social media brought us together. I'll let you know when this airs, and just thank you, man. This was awesome. 100%. It was awesome.
• 54:40
  Please rate and share this podcast. Also, I do my best to respond to all the comments on social media platforms. So if you want to see more of something or less of something, leave a comment. Each and every episode is sponsored by my IT company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more. And until next week, be harder than life.
• 55:04
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.