Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Divorce Is Hard. Don't Make That Wrong.

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Divorce Is Hard. Don't Make That Wrong. · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

0:01
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: All about and dedicated to not making our, your lived experience of separation, divorce, and reorganising life afterwards wrong.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: Not making it wrong.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard, it's tough, it's messy, it's really, really hard.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: Yes, even if you chose it.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: And so let's not make that wrong.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: Let's not make ourselves wrong about feeling like it's hard, it's tough, it's messy.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: Don't make yourself wrong for feeling overwhelmed or feeling like you should be further along in the process.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: That word that I think we should retire, should is going to pop up a lot in this episode.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: So many of my clients, when they first connect with me, feel they should be doing better, feeling better, handling really tricky, activating conversations or situations better, that they should feel or behave or react in a certain way, or they should be further along in their healing, their grief, their processing, their understanding, or even that they should know more about what's going on and what's coming.
2:01
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: And for many of us, maybe this is you, it's something we've never done before.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: Accepting the new normal, the new normal of your life after separation, after divorce, takes time and takes adjustment.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Grief isn't linear, healing doesn't follow a predictable straight line path, and there's no there's no real timeline for how you should feel or be or behave, right?
2:27
SPEAKER_00: There is no timeline.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: Some days are going to be easier and some will be harder, and that's okay.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: Some days you'll have your emotions in check, your nervous system regulated, all the to-do's under some sort of or semblance of control.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: Other days you'll just want to curl up in bed and not come out.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: All of that is normal, and all of that is perfectly okay.
2:53
SPEAKER_00: Give yourself grace, give yourself patience, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are right now, wherever that is on the path.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: There'll be moments, probably even entire days or maybe stretches of days, when everything feels too hard, too much, unbearable, overwhelming.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Expect that.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: It's probably coming for you, and let that be okay.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: Don't make that wrong.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: There will be times when the weight of your emotions, all the big feelings, everything that you're holding and processing seems too much, too heavy, too heavy to bear.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: And in these moments, it's really important to acknowledge that grief, divorce, anger is not a process that you can simply push through, and that struggling, finding it hard, finding it challenging doesn't mean you're failing, it doesn't mean you're not doing it right, it doesn't mean you're wrong.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: Divorce, separation, and all that comes with that is hard.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: It feels hard and heavy and messy and overwhelming because it is.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard, full stop.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: It is such a profound change and it impacts every single area of your life, unleashes all the emotions from sadness and anger, confusion, uncertainty, but it touches every single area of your life.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: And when you're in the middle of this overwhelm, it's so common to feel like you're doing it wrong, or you're not doing it right, or to feel you should be further along in your healing process, in your processing, in your acknowledgement, in your acceptance, or you should have it all together by now, or you should be not so triggered by your ex.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: But there's that word again, right?
4:48
SPEAKER_00: Should.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: Should is an invitation, an invitation to get curious.
4:53
SPEAKER_00: Because as I said earlier, there's no right timeline for moving through this stuff.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: There's no right way to do divorce, there's only your way.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: The intensity of what you're feeling, of all your emotions, is a natural, normal, expected, and fully acceptable, reasonable response to the massive disruption, the huge change, and let's face it, the massive loss that you're experiencing in your life.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Yes, even if you were the one to choose it.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: So rather than judging these feelings, rather than viewing them as a commentary about you, as a personal shortcoming, how about welcoming them as an essential part of you rebuilding and understanding yourself in this new version of life, this new chapter.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Don't make yourself wrong.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: Don't make yourself wrong for feeling overwhelmed or for thinking you should have moved on, got your shit together, got your life back on track faster.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: Your experience, your emotions, whatever they are, are valid.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: And comparing your progress, your recovery, your healing, your processing to some imaginary timeline is not actually helpful.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: And really only adds unnecessary pressure, pressure that you're already holding, right?
6:15
SPEAKER_00: You're already holding so much, and under so much pressure, you don't need to add anything more to it.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Everyone experiences divorce differently.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Yes, there are common threads, and that's why I speak to these different themes on the podcast, right?
6:31
SPEAKER_00: There are common threads, but everyone's lived experience is unique and personal.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Embrace, welcome, or at the very least, allow the fact that it is okay to struggle, to have moments, days, periods where everything feels too much.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself the time and space to not have it all together, to grieve, to feel, to learn, and then ultimately emerge on the other side.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: And yes, you can do this even if you have kids.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: Choose to use some of your child-free time, carve it out to feel all the feelings, to not have it all together.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Because if you're solo parenting, you do have to have it all together, in a sense, when you've got your kids with you.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: But create some time and space to let go and to not have your shit all together when your kids are with their other parent or when they're at school or when they're wherever.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: It's really important to allow yourself to put down the mask of having it all together.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: Divorce changes us, changes all of us, and sometimes that change appears in ways that we don't expect.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: It can strip away really familiar parts of our identity.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: But the thing about that is you get to choose what's next, who you want to be, how you want to show up in this next phase of your life.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: You will ultimately come out of the mess.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: You'll come out of the messy middle, and you will be changed and different.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe stronger, maybe softer, more open, definitely more resilient.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't hold to the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but divorce will change you and you will find strengths that you perhaps haven't tapped into previously.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: So you get to discover or maybe rediscover who you truly are underneath the surface and choose, reclaim, who you most want to be going forward.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: There's a reason why the podcast's called What It Is, right?
8:38
SPEAKER_00: And why my process of coaching is founded on reflecting, reclaiming, and liberating.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: Something that comes up regularly as I'm working with clients, for many of us, many of my clients, our sense of self, our identity is deeply rooted in giving, in doing, in efficiency, in productivity.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: We are the get shit done kind of people.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: We are the ones to hold our shit together, as I said earlier.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: Hold it all together, get stuff done.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: And when you're used to the one, or used to being the one who holds everything together, keeps all the balls in the air for yourself and for everyone around you, the sudden disruption caused by divorce can actually feel like an internal unraveling.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: You don't, if you're not that person anymore, you're not the one who can hold it all together, or who actually are you, who am I?
9:33
SPEAKER_00: And that can result in emotional paralysis, emotional swamping, flooding, that can make you feel as if you're failing, you are not meeting your own expectations, and you question, as I said, you question who you even are.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: And that can be really destabilizing on top of all the other stuff that you're experiencing.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: So if that's something that you resonate with or that resonates with you, as I say it, don't make that wrong.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: Just look at it, unpick it, recognize it for what it is, you know.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: So instead of this seamless, productive, amazing human who has all their shit together, keeping all those balls in the air beautifully.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to be real and raw and vulnerable and allow yourself to be messy.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to put some of the balls down, particularly those that aren't immediately pressing, or that you're holding for someone else, i.e., your ex-partner.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: But that messy, unfamiliar kind of reality that rises up to meet us and whacks us in the face, basically, can be incredibly disorienting and destabilizing.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: If your identity has been defined by your ability to manage and control your environment, divorce can feel in your body like a threat to everything you've built.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: Suddenly you're not that organized, unflappable person, the one with perfectionist tendencies may be, who sets super high standard for yourself, you're not showing up as the person you once believed yourself to be.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: And in those moments, it's so important.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: It's so important to remind yourself that feeling overwhelmed, feeling out of control, feeling raw, feeling messy, feeling like you don't have it all together is normal.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: It's natural because you don't have it all together.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: You can't possibly have all of it all together immediately.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: It takes time, but it feels all of these things because it is.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard, it is messy, it is overwhelming, it is destabilizing, and there are aspects of it that are out of your capacity to control.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: And if you can let go of the expectation that you have on yourself to always be in control, you do open yourself up to begin to shift, change, move towards healing.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: Recognize that your emotional experience of divorce is not something to be fixed or managed or wrangled by sheer willpower.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: It's an experience that unfolds at its own pace, demanding tenderness, care, kindness, compassion, and all the messy messiness.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: So the key, the key is to accept and allow your experience to be all of those things.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: For you to feel whatever you feel, for it to be hard and not make that about you.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: It's hard because it's hard.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: It's not hard because you're not doing a good enough job, you're not doing it right.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: It's hard full stop.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: So rather than taking on the narrative that if you just worked harder, you just pushed through, you could do better, rather than viewing your inability to push through divorce as a failure or a comment on you, try to reframe it as an opportunity to care and tend and nurture yourself with the same kindness and love and compassion that you would offer a close friend or your four-year-old self or your own child.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: We've all heard about self-compassion.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: You might even know a fair bit about it, but practicing it when we are at peak stress times, and let's face it, even if you chose it, separation, divorce, and getting your life on back on track, reorganized, reclaimed afterwards is high, high, highly stressful.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: Actively practicing self-compassion is a different story.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: Self-compassion isn't just a concept, it is a practice that involves treating yourself with warmth, with caring, with kindness, with understanding, especially during your most challenging seasons and stressful times.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: So I want to offer you one simple but powerful exercise, and one I do use with my one-to-one clients, and that is block out a little bit of time.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: It can be five minutes, it can be ten minutes, and simply sit with yourself to allow your feelings to surface.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: Breathe and allow and talk to yourself, maybe out loud if it feels right.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: It's a practice I learned from the grief and somatic therapist Rio Richards.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't listened to the episodes that I recorded with Rio as guest, I'd invite you to go back and have a listen to those.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: But simply carve out a little bit of time.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: And yes, if you've got your kids, you can still do this, right?
14:49
SPEAKER_00: It's good for them to see you using self-compassion strategies, mindfulness practices, relaxation techniques, whatever it is, it's good to see them you you it's good for them to see you use them and to normalize them.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: So sit quietly.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: If it feels good for you, close your eyes.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: If it feels good for you, bare feet on the earth is really powerful.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Place one hand over your heart or on your chest and one on your belly.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: Breathe in, out, in, out.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: Feel your breath moving in and out of your body.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: Notice the rise and fall of your belly or your chest, and next speak gently to yourself as you would to a four-year-old.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: Stuck, overwhelmed, sad, angry.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: You might say, This is really tough right now.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: It's perfectly okay, it's perfectly expected and understand, understandable, and normal that you feel this way.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: It's normal to feel all of this, and I'm here for you.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: It might be as simple as this is really, really hard, and I'm right here with you.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm here for you.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: This type of practice feels a little hmm, unusual, uncomfortable at first, but if you lean into it, go with it, and build on it, practice it regularly, it can be really powerful.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: It helps dial down your inner chatter, it helps soothe that inner critic, that inner voice, the critical inner voice that's telling you you're not doing it right, that you should be doing better, you should be over it further along the path, more healed, more organized, more together, and that voice that insists that you should be doing better, managing better, or pushing harder, trying harder.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: So the components of that practice that are really important.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: Number one, find that quiet space, set aside a few minutes where hopefully you won't be disturbed, and you can gift yourself a little bit of time to connect with your feelings, maybe even your thoughts without distraction.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: The second part is physical grounding, feet on the earth, one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: This is a really simple gesture, but it can make you feel more grounded, more anchored, more tendered, more cared for.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: It's almost like giving yourself a little hug.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Speak really kindly to yourself.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: We often, when we're stressed, overwhelmed, have a highly critical, even nasty, inner voice inner narrative.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: So instead of being harsh on yourself, instead of berating yourself for not handling all of what's happening in to and around you in a certain way, acknowledge.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge the pain, acknowledge the difficulty, acknowledge that it's hard, remind yourself that it's normal, natural, expected to struggle and find this hard and that vulnerability is going to be part of your healing.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: And then finally, accept the discomfort, right?
18:04
SPEAKER_00: Accept that this is hard and this is messy, and accept the discomfort of this practice as well.
18:11
SPEAKER_00: That it might feel a bit awkward or unfamiliar, uncomfortable at first.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: So allow that discomfort to be part of the practice, part of the experience without judging it and without making it wrong.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: When my one-to-one clients incorporate this into their daily practice or incorporate some form of self-compassion, some self-compassion work, it changes the game, transforms the process.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: It can help you shift away from that critical inner chatter and from having to be in control, have all the answers, know all the things, deal with all the emotions.
18:52
SPEAKER_00: It can lead you to a place of acceptance and acknowledgement that this is hard and I'll get through it.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is a loss, right?
19:11
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is a grief.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: Divorce throws up all the things, and as I said earlier, it impacts every single aspect of your life.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: And yes, it does that, even if you know it's the right decision, even if you were the one to choose it.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: It unsettles and shakes us to our core.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: It tosses everything you thought you knew, all your carefully made plans, all your hopes and dreams, tosses them all up into the air, and you sit underneath and watch the pieces fall back down around you.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: And some pieces don't fall back, they don't come back, right?
19:49
SPEAKER_00: But the thing about that is you get to choose which pieces to carry forward with you into the next chapter.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: And that's one key part of what I do when I'm working with clients is we sift through what is important, what are you going to take forward, what can you put down and leave behind, and maybe some of that self-identity being rooted in having it all together and knowing all the things and doing all the things, maybe that's actually something that you can put down and move beyond and move forward with more self-compassion, more kindness for yourself.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: And finally, let's go back to where we started.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard, it's messy, it it rips everything apart, throws things up in the air, and that is really, really hard.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: So this is my invitation to you.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Don't make divorce being hard wrong.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: Don't make yourself wrong while you're doing this really, really hard thing.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: Don't think you should be further along than you are, or you should be doing it differently or better.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: Replace should with curiosity.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: When that inner voice says I should, pause and ask yourself, should I?
21:09
SPEAKER_00: Why should I?
21:10
SPEAKER_00: Do I need to?
21:11
SPEAKER_00: Replace should and self-critical inner voice and self-judgment with kindness and compassion.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: You are doing the very best job you can do in a really hard season.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this, I would love it if you would share it with them.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure they would love it too.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: It means we can get the podcast into the ears of a whole lot more people if you share it, if you rate it, if you review it.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: And if you've got something to share with me, I'm always open.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: You can leave me a message in the show notes, or you can find me on Instagram and drop me a DM.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: I always love to hear your feedback.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: So if you've got feedback about the podcast, reach out.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Don't be shy.
21:57
SPEAKER_00: It will remain perfectly confidential, 100% private.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: But I would love to hear any thoughts that you have.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: Until next week, bye for now.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review every years of a whole lot of people just like you are ready to read and read themselves in the hope to come in the next week.