Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #805 Are Relationships Really 50/50?

Transcript

#805 Are Relationships Really 50/50? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now and when
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  Speaker 1: we can actually read one another and say, I know
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  Speaker 1: you've given everything you've got. I've got more to give
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  Speaker 1: right now. I'll take care of the kitchen, I'll look
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  Speaker 1: after dinner, I'll look after the kids, I'll take the
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  Speaker 1: dogs for the walk. I'll do the thing to me.
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  Speaker 1: That's the secret, that's the I'm showing up with my
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  Speaker 1: percent of what I've got. And now here's the scars
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  Speaker 1: of our show, my mom and dad. So just recently
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  Speaker 1: you sent me a clip from Brene Brown. It's been
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  Speaker 1: doing the rounds. It's been, in fact, not just doing
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  Speaker 1: the rounds. So it's gone absolutely viral. It was blown
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  Speaker 1: up all over the place.
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  Speaker 2: Introduce us to start the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: We've started. Hello, I'm justin. We are the Coulson's and
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: this is the Happy Family's podcast. You sent me this
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  Speaker 1: clip from Rene Brown about a fifty to fifty marriage.
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  Speaker 1: She's saying that marriage is not fifty to fifty. It
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  Speaker 1: doesn't work like that, and I thought we should play
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  Speaker 1: it because the whole world has just about heard. It
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  Speaker 1: has gone nuts since social media and I just think
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  Speaker 1: we need to have a conversation about it.
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  Speaker 3: Everyone says Marriag should be fifty to fifty. It's the
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  Speaker 3: biggest croc I've ever heard. It's never fifty to fifty ever.
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  Speaker 3: And so what we do is we quantify where we are.
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  Speaker 3: So if Steve comes home and he'll be like, I
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  Speaker 3: got twenty, just in terms of energy, just energy, investment, kindness, patience,
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  Speaker 3: I'm out at twenty, and I'll be like, I'll cover you.
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  Speaker 3: I got your brother, like I'll pull the eighty. Sometimes
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  Speaker 3: we come home, which we have done a lot, my
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  Speaker 3: mom has been sick, and I'll say I've got ten,
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  Speaker 3: and Steve like two days ago, said I'm riding a
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  Speaker 3: solid twenty five. So we know that we have to
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  Speaker 3: sit down at the table anytime we have less than
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  Speaker 3: one hundred combined and figure out a plan of kindness
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  Speaker 3: toward each other.
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  Speaker 1: Oh I love that.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, Because the thing is marriage is not something that's
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  Speaker 3: fifty to fifty. A partnership works when you can carry
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  Speaker 3: their twenty or they can carry your twenty, and that
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  Speaker 3: when you both just have twenty, you have a plan
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  Speaker 3: where you don't hurt each other.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm going to say, straight off the top, I
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  Speaker 1: love it and I also hate it. It's both.
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  Speaker 2: I know that you struggle with all of the numbers
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  Speaker 2: and the quantifying of percentages.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, totally, totally like the whole fifty to fifty thing
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  Speaker 1: that that just doesn't resonate for me at all.
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  Speaker 2: One of the things that I have loved about our
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  Speaker 2: relationship is we have always strived to bring one hundred
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  Speaker 2: percent to the table.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So, I mean the narrative that I grew up
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  Speaker 1: with was that if you only give fifty percent, if
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  Speaker 1: you both walk in and say fifty plus fifty ECUs
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  Speaker 1: one hundred, if I only gave you fifty percent, you
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  Speaker 1: would feel that you would know that and you would
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  Speaker 1: feel like I was only giving you half of me,
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  Speaker 1: half of my heart, half of my enthusiasm, half of
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  Speaker 1: my loyalty, half of my energy, and that could not
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  Speaker 1: possibly ever be good for our relationship. So I do
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  Speaker 1: have an issue with the numbers. Maybe that's the only
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  Speaker 1: issue I have with the way she's describing it. But
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  Speaker 1: the whole fifty to fifty thing, though it's one hundred
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  Speaker 1: and one hundred in fact, sometimes and.
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  Speaker 2: Two one hundreds make a stronger, better hole.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like the two hundred is actually add up to
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  Speaker 1: one hundred percent, I guess, which is kind of the
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  Speaker 1: mathematically doesn't work, which is why she's saying fifty to fifty.
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  Speaker 1: But just if I don't show up with one hundred percent,
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  Speaker 1: you can feel it when I walk into the house
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  Speaker 1: and I'm not one hundred percent present. When I'm not
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  Speaker 1: one hundred percent showing up, you'll usually say something to me.
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  Speaker 1: You'll encourage me to either get off the phone or
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  Speaker 1: you'll encourage me to come and help instead of I
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  Speaker 1: don't know, being slothful and doing things that are not
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  Speaker 1: contributing because you want one hundred percent from me. You
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  Speaker 1: want that. And I feel the same way with you
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  Speaker 1: when you are caught up on your phone or when
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  Speaker 1: you're I don't know, watching some Netflix and there's like
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  Speaker 1: I'm working motail off, I'm running around doing all this
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  Speaker 1: stuff and you're sitting there, which happens like once in never,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, it doesn't really happen very much at all.
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  Speaker 1: But when that sort of stuff happens, I'm kind of going,
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  Speaker 1: hang on, I'm giving one hundred percent here, I'm giving
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  Speaker 1: everything that I've got, and what are you doing? Like
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  Speaker 1: this is not fair. So the whole fifty to fifty
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  Speaker 1: thing I really struggle with because I've just grown up
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  Speaker 1: believing that you don't bring fifty percent to your marriage.
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  Speaker 1: You bring one hundred percent to your marriage.
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  Speaker 2: So if we can just leave the numbers out of
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  Speaker 2: the conversation, yeah, I think the acknowledgement that from time
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  Speaker 2: to time, each of us is not able to bring
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  Speaker 2: our one hundred percent to the table.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, one hundred percent today is going to be different
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  Speaker 1: to my one hundred percent on Sunday or next Thursday
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  Speaker 1: or whatever. It is, Like, my one hundred percent on
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  Speaker 1: one day might be the equivalent of seventy percent on
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  Speaker 1: another day or twenty percent on another day. But it's
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  Speaker 1: still one hundred percent so long as I'm showing up
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  Speaker 1: with it, right, And I think.
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  Speaker 2: That that is just it's such a powerful concept to
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  Speaker 2: think about and believe. If we're in a partnership and
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  Speaker 2: I love how she uses that word a partnership, which
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  Speaker 2: means we actually come together, we partner together, yeah, to
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  Speaker 2: support and help our family to grow and flourish. Then
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  Speaker 2: I have to believe that in spite of the fact
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  Speaker 2: that today what you're bringing to the table may not
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  Speaker 2: be what I have experienced in the past that you
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  Speaker 2: are still giving me your one hundred percent today.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. And you can tell
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  Speaker 1: whether somebody's showing up with everything, like you can tell
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  Speaker 1: by looking at me, whether I'm completely spent and I've
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  Speaker 1: had a massive day or a massive week and I've
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  Speaker 1: got I've got nothing to give. You can tell just
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  Speaker 1: by looking at me, and likewise with you. And what
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  Speaker 1: I've found works in our relationship has been for me
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  Speaker 1: to step in and say, it looks like you've had
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  Speaker 1: a really rough day. Would you like me to take over?
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  Speaker 1: Or I just take over. I might even say to you,
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  Speaker 1: why don't you go and just lay down, go and
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  Speaker 1: read a book, go and do something. And when we
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  Speaker 1: can actually read one another and say, I know you've
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  Speaker 1: given everything you've got, I've got more to give right now.
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  Speaker 1: I'll take care of the kitchen, I'll look after dinner,
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  Speaker 1: I'll look after the kids, I'll take the dogs for
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  Speaker 1: the walk, I'll do the thing. To me, that's the secret,
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  Speaker 1: that's the I'm showing up with my one hundred percent
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  Speaker 1: of what I've got, even if it's only twenty percent
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  Speaker 1: of normal. I'm showing up one hundred percent of what
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  Speaker 1: I've got because I'm committed to contributing. I'm not here
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  Speaker 1: to be lazy. I'm not here to let people down.
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  Speaker 2: I think the challenge comes when as a partnership, one
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  Speaker 2: person feels like they're always carrying the other person and
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't feel like there's an equal share. When you
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  Speaker 2: don't feel like someone's got your back because you have
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  Speaker 2: to have their back all the time.
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  Speaker 1: It's never going to be an equal share. Though. This
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  Speaker 1: is the thing. And we've got so much data on
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  Speaker 1: the division of labor around around a household, but just
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  Speaker 1: because I'm okay, so in terms of division of labor, honestly,
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  Speaker 1: if you were to look at how much I vacuum, iron,
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  Speaker 1: cook clean, make beds, scrub showers, clean toilets, do domestic duties. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: we're not going to talk about child related stuff, just
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  Speaker 1: the cleanup in the house and the meal prep and
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  Speaker 1: all that sort of stuff, the shopping blah blah blah
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  Speaker 1: blah blah. What percentage would you say? I do you.
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  Speaker 2: Really want me to say?
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  Speaker 1: Well, I'm nervous now. I was recently confident that you
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  Speaker 1: were going to give me a glowing report. What percentage
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  Speaker 1: would you say that I do? Really? Yes, you're taking
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  Speaker 1: a long time to give me an answer here.
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  Speaker 2: On average, I would say, you do about ten to
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  Speaker 2: fifteen percent of the household.
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  Speaker 1: Wow? Wow?
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  Speaker 2: Are we including lawnmowing in there? No, no, including just
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  Speaker 2: indoor Wow?
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  Speaker 1: Ten to fifteen percent. So you're saying that you do
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  Speaker 1: eighty five to ninety percent. Yeah? Really really? So I
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  Speaker 1: was still going to give myself low marks. I would
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  Speaker 1: have said that I do about twenty to twenty five percent.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm a solid ten percent above where you are,
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  Speaker 1: like in terms of your evaluation of me. Let's say
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  Speaker 1: you're right though. Let's say that I'm doing ten to
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  Speaker 1: fifteen percent of the domestic duties. And that's the way
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  Speaker 1: it's worked in our home. When it comes to looking
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  Speaker 1: up the outside of the house, what percentage of that
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  Speaker 1: am I doing?
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  Speaker 2: Oh, ninety five percent?
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  Speaker 1: I would have said one hundred percent. When was the
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  Speaker 1: last time you even picked up some leaves? I wei, yeah, yes,
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  Speaker 1: you do, you twice a year.
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  Speaker 2: Excuse me, who did the prning?
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  Speaker 1: I did the prning. Thank you. Let's not get caught
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  Speaker 1: up in the details here. We're just talking roughly, So
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  Speaker 1: no matter what we look at though, we're saying my
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  Speaker 1: contribution plus your contribution equals more than one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 1: In spite of that, we never get one hundred percent
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  Speaker 1: of everything done. And when we look at studies on
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  Speaker 1: this topic, we find this consistently. The two people in
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  Speaker 1: the partnership, the relationship, the marriage, they always think that
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  Speaker 1: they're doing more than they're doing, or they think that
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  Speaker 1: the combined total of what they're doing is well beyond
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  Speaker 1: one hundred pcent. It's one hundred and ten hundred and
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  Speaker 1: twenty percent. But if I was to say, what contribution
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  Speaker 1: am I making versus you? And when it comes to
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  Speaker 1: providing and doing the work hours, the paid employment hours
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  Speaker 1: that pay for the mortgage, you pay for the cars,
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  Speaker 1: and pay for the all that sort of stuff, what
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  Speaker 1: percent would you put on my shoulders? There? You're one
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  Speaker 1: hundred percent, right, okay? And so I guess the interesting
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  Speaker 1: thing about this conversation, therefore, is how do you ever
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  Speaker 1: work out what is fifty to fifty or what is
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  Speaker 1: one hundred one hundred? Because I think if.
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  Speaker 2: You spend your time trying to do that, then you've
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  Speaker 2: actually missed the point.
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  Speaker 1: The relationship is doomed. Is what I would say the
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  Speaker 1: relationship is whileever.
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  Speaker 2: I'm focused on the fact that you only do ten percent,
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  Speaker 2: I see a deficit in our relationship, right. I don't
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  Speaker 2: actually see you coming to the table and bringing your
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  Speaker 2: very best. The reason you only do ten percent is
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  Speaker 2: because you are our breadwinner one hundred percent. You're not
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  Speaker 2: in the home all day. Every day, you're out working,
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  Speaker 2: and in your instance, you're actually traveling a lot. So
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  Speaker 2: I don't see the fact. I know you feel like
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  Speaker 2: it's a harsh mark, but I don't see that as
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  Speaker 2: a deficit in our relationship.
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  Speaker 1: So let me spin to the next thing, then, and
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  Speaker 1: that is, imagine you're working full time as well, working
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  Speaker 1: full time in paid employment, because so many of our
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  Speaker 1: listeners right now are in full time or at least
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  Speaker 1: part time employment, and so the load shifts really heavily.
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  Speaker 1: New data out from this training is to a family
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  Speaker 1: Studies shows that in families and households where there are children,
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  Speaker 1: women usually do up to sixty percent of tasks. It
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  Speaker 1: drops to about five percent for men. So there's still
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  Speaker 1: a whole lot of stuff just not being done. There's
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  Speaker 1: a really unfair division of labor. When I show up
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  Speaker 1: or when you show up, but we don't really show up.
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  Speaker 1: What Brene Brown's saying, what I really love about what
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  Speaker 1: she's saying is you've got to have a plan for this.
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  Speaker 1: You've actually got to be able to communicate where you're
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  Speaker 1: at and trust that that twenty percent or that's twenty
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  Speaker 1: or whatever whatever the number is, that that twenty is
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  Speaker 1: everything you've got. It's not like you're saying, yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: just don't feel like doing more than twenty tonight. I
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  Speaker 1: don't feel like doing more than ten tonight. It's all
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  Speaker 1: I've got is ten, or all I've got is twenty.
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  Speaker 1: To me, that's the critical thing.
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  Speaker 2: And I think in the early stages of our relationship,
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  Speaker 2: I think it was much easier for us to bring
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  Speaker 2: one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 1: To the table. Yes often yes. And we're getting older
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  Speaker 1: and tired.
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  Speaker 2: When you were struggling, for instance, I was able to
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  Speaker 2: carry that because I was fresher.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and more sleep.
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  Speaker 2: And yet as we've gotten older and the challenges and
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  Speaker 2: the stresses have increased with age and just responsibility and responsibility,
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  Speaker 2: I'm finding that it's harder and harder for you and
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  Speaker 2: I to be able to carry each other because the
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  Speaker 2: burdens that we individually carry feel so immense.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: What I love about Brene's comments is that it's a
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  Speaker 2: conversation starter. It's an opportunity to sit down as a
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  Speaker 2: partnership and look at the three things that we talk
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  Speaker 2: about all the time in our family. What's going well,
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  Speaker 2: what's not going well? And how can we improve? Like,
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  Speaker 2: where are the areas that we need to kind of
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  Speaker 2: come together with a solid plan to make family life better?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, the idea that what's my plan of kindness
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  Speaker 1: when I'm at less than one hundred? It's a nice idea.
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  Speaker 1: What's my plan for my investment, my energy allocation when
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  Speaker 1: I'm at less than ten? How are we going to
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  Speaker 1: work this out together?
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  Speaker 2: You know, if you've got two partners working in the home,
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  Speaker 2: then working out when you're coming home and you've only
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  Speaker 2: got a solid ten between you, what is the most
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  Speaker 2: important thing that needs to be done before you hit
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  Speaker 2: to bed?
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  Speaker 1: The pizzas have to go on the oven, frozen pizzas
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  Speaker 1: in the oven.
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  Speaker 2: And just leave it at that. You can't do everything
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  Speaker 2: when you're working on a.
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  Speaker 1: Ten yeap fried eggs. I mean, last night I was
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  Speaker 1: speaking and you were on your own, and when I
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: checked in, with you on my way home. I said,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: what did you have for dinner? And you said toast toasts?
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  Speaker 1: Because sometimes that's all you've got, So that's all you have.
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  Speaker 1: What matters, though, is it? I really think this is
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  Speaker 1: the key thing. That you show up. You show up
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  Speaker 1: with everything that you've got, and if all you've got
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  Speaker 1: is ten or twenty or thirty or who cares what
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  Speaker 1: the numbers are, really before you've got is X, then
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  Speaker 1: you show up with X. You don't show up and say, well,
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  Speaker 1: I've got X, but I'm only going to give you
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  Speaker 1: half of that because I really want to spend some
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: extra time on Facebook tonight. I want to spend some
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  Speaker 1: extra time on my on my social media feed. Now
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  Speaker 1: that's that's not okay. We want people to show up
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  Speaker 1: and give their heart and their soul hundred and fifty
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  Speaker 1: percent of what they've got.
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  Speaker 2: I think there are a word you've just said. It's heart.
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  Speaker 2: It's that you give your whole heart and whatever that
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  Speaker 2: looks like in that moment, it means that I also,
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  Speaker 2: in giving everything that I have, offer you compassion. If
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  Speaker 2: I can offer you compassion in that moment, recognizing that
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  Speaker 2: you are doing the very best you can in spite
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  Speaker 2: of the fact.
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  Speaker 1: That I need more YEP from you in that moment.
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  Speaker 2: Then my love for you continues to grow, and my
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  Speaker 2: ability to work with you with whatever we're able to
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: collectively bring to the table, life's better.
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  Speaker 1: I came across a blog about ten years ago. I've
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: just looked it up again now while you were chatting
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Seth Adam Smith wrote this thing. He said, marriage isn't
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: for you. He said, having been married only a year
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and a half, I've recently come to the conclusion that
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: marriage isn't for me. And then he says, but don't
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: make any assumptions. Keep reading, and essentially he gets to
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: this point where he's trying to work out, I don't
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I marry Kim. Is it a good idea? Is it
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  Speaker 1: a bad idea? Is she going to make me happy?
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  Speaker 1: And he's talking to his dad about his concerns, and
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: his dad says, son, you're being selfish. So I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to make this really simple. Marriage isn't for you. You
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: don't marry to make yourself happy. You're married to make
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  Speaker 1: someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for you.
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  Speaker 1: You're marrying for a family, not just for the in laws.
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  Speaker 1: But for your future children, who do you want to
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  Speaker 1: help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them?
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  Speaker 1: Marriage isn't for you, It's not about you. Marriage is
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  Speaker 1: about the person you're married. I really like some of that.
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  Speaker 1: There's a little bit that I don't love as well,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Like you don't marry to make somebody else happy. That
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  Speaker 1: could potentially be a way to be miserable. But you
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and I married, and my overarching objective is to make
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  Speaker 1: sure that you feel great in our marriage. And that's
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  Speaker 1: how I bring my one hundred percent, even if I'm
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: only doing ten or fifteen percent of the housework, which
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: I still cantend is not fair. It's me saying how
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  Speaker 1: can I how can I make a difference for you today?
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  Speaker 1: That's to me what Brene is kind of getting at.
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  Speaker 1: And like I said, I don't love the numbers, but
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: I love the principle and I'm glad you send it
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: to me.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: Thanks Sonning.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland for
• 15:34
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• 15:36
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• 15:40
  Speaker 1: of course, but check out what we do at Doctor
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson's Happy Families on Facebook, well Happy families dot com.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Today you