Latest / Relationship Coaching Group Podcast / Is Taking a Break In A Relationship Healthy

Transcript

Is Taking a Break In A Relationship Healthy · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Why is love so easy to start to get right?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Situationships, mixed signals, overthinking texts, yeah.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about all of it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your host, and welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast, where we stop guessing, start understanding, and figure out what actually works in today's relationships.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: No fluff, real talk, real tips, real conversations to help you, to help you date smarter, to help you communicate better and figure out love together.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: And we're going to say hello to Professor and welcome back, our co-host.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you for having me back.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's good to be back.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're glad we're it's good to have you back.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you, because I was getting a little worried that you missed that you missed me.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I had my listeners to keep me company.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, really?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't miss me.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, listeners, put in the chat if you missed the professor.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: They miss me.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't don't.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's so good to be back.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Good to have you.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have to share a quick story.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm on the flight, and you know, I love my IL seat.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So there was someone in the middle and young lady, and plane's taking off.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I said, Hi.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just, you know, try to start a conversation.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh I'm not interested.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of threw me.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, all right.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I just looked at her and said, not interested in what?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, I'm not looking for anyone.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to I don't wanna your Instagram.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I didn't offer any of those things, and I'm not into interested in you in that way.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was just trying to be polite and have a conversation.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, this is the thing that I've been hearing a lot from men that they've tried to talk to women and right away they cut them off.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I got to experience that myself.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Firsthand.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Firsthand.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, wow, that really threw me because I was just being social.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if women are taking men being social, like we want something from you, or we want your uh Instagram and all right.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're coming on top.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on a flight, it's a long flight.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just trying to have a conversation.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, so thanks for sharing that experience.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I had to share that because I was like, oh, I gotta share that with my partner.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Professor, today's topic, it's a great one, is taking a break in a relationship healthy.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: This topic is so relevant because many couples use the word for taking a break without ever defining what it actually means.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're going to get into whether a break creates clarity or simply delays an inevitable breakup.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: So when someone says maybe we need a break, what do they really mean?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Do they mean needing a space to heal or a space to leave?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: What's your take on that, Professor?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna try and be a little nicer.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Please.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: For our listeners and for me.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my thoughts on it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna give you part of it at a time.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Part of it, okay.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my my my first thing about breakup.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I you and I have actually talked about this a long time ago.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: A breakup is if you're looking to take a little short, a week apart, just so that you can figure it out or whatever.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: But you had mentioned there has to be parameters.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna let you discuss what your parameters are.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so we're gonna dive right into what is a relationship break?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: How is a break defined?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: A break versus a breakup, or why couples ask for a break instead of ending the relationship if that's where they want to go.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: You have any any take on that?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm just gonna make it clear.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Most people who wanna take a break, it's not for healing.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You don't think so?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very rare, very rare.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're taking a break to see where you are, well then first off, you gotta ask them the question, why we have to take a break?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't we talk about it?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't we figure it out together?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's the good tools that a good relationship should be having.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And and we're definitely gonna be touching bases on that's a good point.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: So But sometimes, Professor, it's not easy w uh when things are so fired up.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes talking isn't the answer.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they can't talk because no one's listening and everybody's each other, they're yelling at each other.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when we had this conversation before, because we had this conversation probably about two years ago, and we didn't agree then.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: We're probably not gonna agree now.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my thing.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: When when there's a breakout, and from what I have learned and witnessed along the many years, and that is I would say a good chunk of the time is because somebody wanted to go test the waters because somebody paid interest in them.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and we still disagree because that could be, but then on the other hand, it it could be that they just need space.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it could be, could be, and I'm doing quotations air quotes.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because one person's break can be another person's heartbreak if expectations aren't clear, and I think that's that's where we kind of differ.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think that if things are c clarified, and of course I I we're gonna go further into it.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: You think that so I think from a lot of that I'll give you an example.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I had a young man who wanted to take his break.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I said to him, Well, why can't well I just need space to think about if this is for me.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Three months down the road, she finds out he's posted on social media that he's getting engaged.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Three months.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: So the break lasted three months.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Three months.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the kicker.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody didn't speak up.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the kicker.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Two weeks after the their, you know, take a break, he'd already been seeing her.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So he was playing.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted to go see if the other thing was gonna work out.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then if it didn't, he could come back to what he had.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why, okay.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we use taking a break as a window to go see if the grass is greener on the other side.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that is true.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now there are healthy reasons to take a break.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to hear them?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Fire it out.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Constant conflict and needing space to calm down.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You mentioned space, yeah, to calm down.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: And another reason to take that that's a healthy reason to take a break is personal growth or self-reflection.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: That they they want to just have a a reflection on their personal growth.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: They want to self-reflect.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And here's another one major life stressors affecting the relationship.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: So you could have a lot of trauma that's going on in one of their lives, one of the partners' lives, and they just need time to just deal with whatever stressor that they're that's coming into their their life, or mental or emotional burnout.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people just need a little space.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying three months, but they might just need a little space just to recruit and recharge.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: What's a little space to you?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Well, no, what whatever I I think a month, a week, two days?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: No, I I I think w it just depends on what that party's going through or what the relationship is going through.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: They might need a couple weeks, they may need a month, but again, I won't, you know, jump jump the gun on on our take here on with my notes.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: But because I I do address that, but it just depends.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: It has to be agreed upon.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: It there has to be communication on what's expected during this break, how long, what's and of course, what's going on in in their lives.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: All this has to be taken into consideration.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: But you still think that a break is a negative for a relationship.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you do.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna st I'm holding firm to that one.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because let me tell you why.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a relationship and you need to to take a break, right?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Then I think you should be getting some coaching or some therapy or something to figure out what's going on.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Before you even take a break, I think there needs to be that.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Good point.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're just saying, well, because it it's an issue by either side, male or or female it's issue, it's issued by either one.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it if a woman says to me, right, that she wants to take a break, and I say, Well, what do you mean?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just need time to think.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, can't we communicate?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just need time to think.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: See, to me, that's telling me that you don't value what we have and you're not willing to communicate or talk about why.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just need space.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So when you say that there needs to be boundaries and everything else set, I just see that that's a way of saying You want they want out?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: They want out.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and and again, clo communication has to be.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry about that.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to knock them.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Communication has to be spoken from both parties.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: And if someone just says, I need a break, then and with no explanation, nothing, nothing they can say that's going on in their lives or their family issues or whatever stressors they're they're doing and just need a break.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do this.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Listeners, email us.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: I have a I have the question.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I know where you're going.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I have the question.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, go for it.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Listeners, he's he's taken my my role.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: But have you ever needed space from someone you loved?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: Not because you wanted them gone, but because you needed to hear your own thoughts.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now you finish it.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, listeners, what I want you to do, send us an email and let us know if taking a break worked for you or it didn't work for you.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm curious.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: And if you just need if you really, really needed that space, uh that you can even mention if you'd like to, in in the comments of why you needed the break and was it helpful.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, let's do it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now I have some unhealthy reasons to take a break.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: These are unhealthy.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Avoiding difficult conversations.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: And we say this all the time.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Communicate, communicate, communicate.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And communicate more.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: You have to have the a conversation.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then here's another unhealthy reason to take a break.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Fear of commitment.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's where you were kind of alluding to.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Or wanting a date, wanting to date other people without feeling guilty.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And the see, these are all points that professor's making.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: Or keeping someone, just said it, I I hate to say he's right, but keeping someone as a backup option.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Don't gloat, Professor.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Gloating.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Or use here's another unhealthy reason for it to take a break.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Using a break as a slow motion breakup.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: I know these are all pointers that you're hitting on.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Stop gloating.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gloating.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, here's and here's the the la uh the last reason that taking a break may be unhealthy.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: You have to think about it.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is the break solving a problem or helping someone avoid a decision?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Is the break solving a problem or helping someone avoid a decision?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And a breakups, well, let me rephrase that.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Taking a break is to me sometimes a checking way out of saying, I'm done.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And like all those things you've mentioned, to me, before even a break is considered, you need to speak to somebody, a coach.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when we say this, I want to make sure I'm I'm clear.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're not here promoting, you gotta see us, talk to us.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's anyone, any good, uh reputable coach or therapist, talk to somebody.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: But we're always available.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we are always available.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but we we want you to have a healthy and very productive relationship.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is why we do this and put it out there.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, I think taking a break is one of those things where if you you had said it in the beginning, if you have a bound uh boundaries that you say, okay, we're gonna take a break for a week, we're gonna go to our prospective corners and take a woo-saw moment, but we're not gonna be talking to any other individuals, we're not gonna date anyone, we're not gonna do any of those things.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: But you can say those things, but how do you know if that person is gonna hold hold that right and so th those are this is why I'm I'm against it.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it because to me, if the relationship is not working, then just end it.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just if you've tried counseling, so many people stay in a relationship because they use the famous word, and what is that word?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I love him.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Or I love her, and they'll they'll wait because we've had clients that again just walk away from the relationship.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: They come back after two weeks, um, thinking that everything is hunky-dory, but they've walked away without having the conversation.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, and a lot of times they're forgiven, and that's one's choice.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: But there really should be a if it's a true break, it's known by both parties.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Not just one walking away, disappearing for a week, ghosting their partner for a month or what have you.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: There should be agreed rules of the agreed break.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: That if both parties are on board, then there are rules that they would present to each other.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying it couldn't work, because it that may be something that would would work.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: And um and I I not to cut you off, Professor, but I do have signs that the break is working.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, all right.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, so uh come on, prove me wrong.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Prove me wrong.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: So before you yes, uh you're going there, so let me let me give you some signs.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Say I know after this I'm gonna get some flights.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna say to me, God, you'll come back all feisty.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I had a break, I feel feisty.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, I want to give our listeners signs that a break is working.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Both parties respect agreed boundaries, and as I said, if it's an agreed break, both parties know.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Both parties have uh boundaries, there are boundaries that are set for both parties, and they agree upon them.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Communication improves.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: So they're able to talk, they're able to speak clearly and succinctly about what's going on.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Personal growth is happening, they're both seeing growth on each other's part.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: The relationship feels clearer rather than more confusing.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes taken taken a step back, again, with rules understood, boundaries set and agreed upon, then both partners remain invested in finding solutions.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: But we hear so many couples, uh as I mentioned before, that will ghost the other partner.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And nothing is said, nothing is understood, and they come back thinking that, oh, everything's fine, and there's still some uh rough waters that they have to cross to get things back on track because it did not it i the break wasn't agreed upon.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Any comments so far?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well uh so this kind of reminded me, this is probably a good five years ago.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was in Italy and I just had a little coffee shop and there was a guy by himself.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Professor, I always have stories.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're in Italy.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you're in Italy.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: And are you blocking my travels?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, not at all.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think Italy is a beautiful place.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I also wanted this guy, he's by himself on the table.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: We just, you know, I always talk to people.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So he happened to tell me that his wife, he came home from work and everything was gone.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: She took all her clothes and was gone.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: They had no kids, took clothes and was gone.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, what happened?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: What was the problem?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: He said, She always wanted to talk, and I always kept saying to her, What's there to talk about?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I go to work, I bring, I make money, I come home, you take care of the house.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's there to talk about?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: And one day she was gone.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because he didn't make time to talk.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's so important.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and I'm saying that because that is one of the biggest things that we hear a lot is the communication sucks.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, you're there saying you've got to compute communicate what you expect from this break.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, exactly.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's so important.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, you know, communication, whether it's in the relationship or it's taking a break, that is probably the hardest tool that people do not grasp is communication.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that can be hard for s for some.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because people look at communication, well, I said it.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, did you say it in passing, or did you sit down and say with your partner, sit down and say, Hey, look, this is how I'm feeling, this is what's bothering me.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of time we think we're communicating, but we're not.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: We say in passing.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're trying to get over to our listeners is communication is so important on all levels.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Being being mad and passing your partner and saying something and walking away, it does not contribute to saying we had a conversation.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now there are signs the breakup is really a breakup.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: You want to hear those?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, give it to me.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, listen, listeners.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: These are signs that the breakup is really, really, really a breakup.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: And as and these are some things we mentioned.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: One person disappears completely.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: No notice, no where they're going, no how long they're going to be gone.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: They just disappear.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: They're just they ghost their partners.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's no effort to reconnect.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: Here's another sign that the breakup is really a breakup.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: Constant mixed messages.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to be with me?
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I want to be with you, but I just need some time.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Do you love me?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I love you, but I right now it's it's it's just hard to talk to you.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: So there's there's no there's constant mixed messages.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you love somebody, you can communicate with them.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you love somebody, you want to be with them.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: So here's another, and Professor, this is what you mentioned earlier that the breakup is really a breakup, is new love interest.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: He's gloating again.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then uh here's the another sign.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: The original issues never gets resolved.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: So again, no communication, no talking about it, no understanding, nothing.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the problem is that the issues are never resolved because they they take their break, they come back, or they meet up or something, they have an intimate moment, and then the problem is solved.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of time couples use intimate moments as they're fixed to the problem.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: An intimate moment doesn't fix the problem.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Communication, understanding, and learning fixes the problem.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, um, when someone says to you, I love you, and it's followed by a but it takes away whatever was said prior to the the butt.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's like me saying, you know, I love you, but yeah, I need some space.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta I've gotta do me.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know what's coming after the butt.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, nothing nice.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, Professor, I have uh here's my takeaway.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: A breakup I'm s or I'm sorry, a break.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: We're speaking of a break.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Did you say what I said?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: I did, I I did.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Did you say it?
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: You have me you have me thinking breakup.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: We're we're speaking listeners, we're speaking of the break.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: Air quotes.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: A break isn't healthy or unhealthy by itself.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: What matters is why it's being taken and how clearly it's defined, and whether both parties are committed to using the time constructively.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to say that again?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, please.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: A break isn't healthy or unhealthy by itself.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: But what matters is why it's being taken and how clearly it's defined, and whether committed to using the time constructively.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes a break helps two people find each other again.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: That sounds so sweet.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it helps them realize that they're better apart.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: Either way, the goal should be clarity, not confusion.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: It has to be understood.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Someone just walks out of your life without for a week, a month, without saying anything, without communicating with you.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: You may want to rethink the relationship that it's not there anymore, right, Professor?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: But the the the thing with that too is the damage that is caused.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because now the relationship probably is not going to continue.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then on top of that, the person who you cease to continue, you know, having conversation, communicating with all that stuff, that person now is damaged because the next relationship they go into, they're not going to trust that person.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're not.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I've said this before.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to be with somebody, sit down with them and say, look, this isn't working for me.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm I just want to move on.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: And break it cleanly.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Try and break it so that the damage to the other person, there is going to be a little bit of damage, but not leaving them holding the damage bag.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because when that person, say the person one of the partners just walk out of the relationship and then comes back two weeks, a month later, that that party, and if that party receives the party that walked out because they needed a break, whether it's the the the man or the woman, because they needed a break, and that party accepts that walk out, that break, without communication, without uh any type of notice, and during the whole time they weren't able to reach that that party that walked out, and they take them back.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think that's gonna be the you think it's gonna be the same?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Then you're gonna have a a lot of suspicion.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of detective work from the party that was that waited and received back the the person that took that break.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be a lot of insecurity.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gonna put this on our listeners.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Listeners, I want you to in you know, send us an email, you know what to do.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: Go to our website, go to email, and I want you to tell me who do you think initiates breakups?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh not break taking a break, I should say.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Taking a break, give me a quotes.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: You take your who initiates that men or women?
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see what what our listeners think.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'm gonna I'm gonna say I I I think I think men initiates here we go.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: I think men initiates the break.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think more than the more than the woman.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is my thought.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think women initiate the break more, and I think at that point a guy's taking it as, well, we're not together.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go see why the chickens are out there.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we'll see, we'll see if the listeners can break this tie.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: All right, all right, listeners.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's come on, let's huddle together and let's get these emails in because I'm dying to know.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, because uh, you know, a healthy break isn't about escaping the relationship, it's about creating enough space to see the relationship more clearly.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes the answer we're looking for can only be found when we stop talking long enough to listen to ourselves and to what the relationship is really telling us.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I have one last thought.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Go for it.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships aren't like leftovers, you can't always stick them in the refrigerator for a week and expect it to taste exactly the same when you come back to it.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's freezer burned.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: So if you if you're taking a break, ask yourself, what are we preserving and what are we risking?
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's a that's that's good.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because we that and that's always been my problem is when you're taking a uh uh a break, to me, you're putting it at risk.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you you know it may work for some, uh, and I think it's a couple that's really secure in themselves, that can be honest with themselves, it it could work.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I mentioned how it works.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: You did work.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: You did you did say that.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then and our listeners took notes.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, Pretty C was right.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I really, to me, I just think taking a break is just that chicken poop way out of saying that, you know, I want to go and see what's available.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know that could that could be one reason, Professor, but But i a lot of time we we use things whether it's this or you know, I I'll I'll I gotta go out of town, I've got to see fam.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Very few people today will actually be honest and say, this is not what I want.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: And we're and that's why we're giving these tips to our listeners, because we want to open have uh that open dialogue where they can understand what is healthy and what isn't.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: And listeners, you know, we agree and sometimes we disagree, and and that is because she'll see the possibility, you know, and I might just see it as this not gonna work.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm one of those that I'm a straight, you know, don't don't hang around.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a relationship and it's not working, stop playing around.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your your your mental health and your life is more important than this fake relationship.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, 90% of the 95% of the time, we agree on everything.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's very real, we don't agree.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I definitely, this is one of these topics that I really would love to hear the feedback from.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that would be great.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: That would be great.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because I really would like to hear what what their thoughts are on uh taking a break and whether it's issued by a male or a female.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I really want to uh see what their their their thing is on that.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it really just depends on how mature the the the partners are.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I I'm optimistic that a break can be healthy because um what people are facing today, there's a lot going on in life today and in the world.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes, as I said, I'm I'm optimistic that there are times where mature relationship and mature partners can decide whether or not a a a low time away is healthy or not.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a way to do it.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: So if you agree with it, so so if you so if you're thinking about taking a break from your relationship, listen to the podcast again and and and and see the healthy ways to do it.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the not so healthy ways.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: That could ruin it.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: So Yeah.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: And and but I th I still think there should be a time, or or at least you guys should still be uh if if you're taking that break, um, you should still see each other or meet up for coffee here and there, just to still see each other.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well that I I don't think this this a month apart comes.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right, no, no, no.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: But but that's where where I I mentioned about the the communication about the the healthy way to do it.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: They have to both be on the same page, they have to discuss boundaries, they have to discuss how this uh how break this break is going to uh enhance a relationship.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: So there are healthy ways.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: So we're gonna close.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: And in closing, I want to thank each and every one of you for being here and thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: And if this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, download, and share with someone who may benefit from the this podcast.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you can always find us at relationshipcoachinggroup.com, where you can email us if you have any questions or comments, or you just want to learn about the services we offer.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: So until next time, take care of your heart, protect your peace, and keep choosing relationships that help you grow.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, you're not alone.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: Together, we got this.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm curious to see what our listeners are gonna say,