Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 166: The One Tool That Changed My Life: Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say

Transcript

166: The One Tool That Changed My Life: Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for the helpers, the healers, and the people pleasers.
• 0:27
  And today I wanna talk with you about something that I know you have all heard before, but if you're anything like me, it's something that I was only implementing part time.
• 0:38
  But once I did start implementing this on a regular basis, then my relationships, my anxiety levels, and honestly my whole life began to change.
• 0:45
  And that one thing is this: learning to say what you mean.
• 0:49
  And mean what you say.
• 0:52
  This episode is kind of building on something that I shared in episode 160 where we explored how remaining silent is often the most dishonest thing that you can do.
• 1:00
  So if you haven't listened to that one yet, then I'll link that in the show notes.
• 1:03
  But today I want to kind of take that idea even deeper as a recovering people pleaser.
• 1:08
  I used to think that being nice was more important than being honest about how I was feeling.
• 1:15
  Essentially, I believed that saying no was rude and being rude was the worst thing ever.
• 1:23
  So I would say yes when I wanted to say no, and then I would be upset when people took me up on my yes.
• 1:30
  So if you're listening here on the podcast, I am sure that this has happened to you too.
• 1:34
  For example, I had one client who they had been asked to speak and they said immediately, oh yeah, absolutely, I can do that.
• 1:42
  But then they really thought about it and inside then they really didn't wanna do the speaking engagement.
• 1:47
  They thought, well, yeah, I'd love to do that, but it's terrible timing.
• 1:50
  I don't have adequate time to prepare.
• 1:52
  I'm going to be exhausted because that's gonna be back to back from this other event that I'm doing, and I'm still recovering from that nasty bug.
• 1:59
  And so on the outside then they were saying yes, but inside they were feeling resentful.
• 2:05
  Resentful of the timing, resentful of the mental and physical toll that this would be taking on them, thinking that, well, I should be getting more appreciation, more recognition, more compensation for doing this thing because of the huge toll that this is taking on me.
• 2:21
  On the outside and they were saying, yeah, I can do that, no problem.
• 2:24
  But on the inside they were really struggling.
• 2:28
  For this client, even though in their head they were making it a problem, that they were asked to do this thing that wasn't actually the problem.
• 2:35
  Them being asked to do the speaking engagement during a bad time for them was not the problem.
• 2:40
  The real problem was that their words and their actions didn't match up.
• 2:45
  They were sending mixed messaging out into the universe.
• 2:49
  Now, let me share a few more examples that might be a little bit more applicable to you specifically.
• 2:54
  For example, maybe you're saying"I'm fine" when really you're feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or upset, but you are saying,"I'm fine" in order to avoid feeling like a burden.
• 3:06
  Or maybe you're saying, oh yeah, sure, I can do that, when really what you're thinking is, but I'm always the room mom and I always take on the lion's share of the work for these kind of events.
• 3:16
  I think it's somebody else's turn, but instead of declining and allowing somebody else to step in.
• 3:21
  And take the lead.
• 3:22
  Then you might find that you're biting off more than you can chew, and then you're feeling really upset about it later.
• 3:27
  Or maybe you're somebody who pretends to agree with other people in order to avoid conflict.
• 3:33
  So on the outside you're saying, oh, I totally feel the same way, and I can absolutely see where you're coming from, but inside you really have no idea how they came to that conclusion.
• 3:43
  You absolutely disagree with them, and you're wondering if you're actually compatible with this person at all.
• 3:49
  or maybe your partner is saying, oh, hey, do you wanna go out with this couple this weekend?
• 3:53
  And on the outside you're saying,"oh yeah, sure, I would love to go out" because that's the nice thing to do, right?
• 3:59
  Being rude is the worst thing ever.
• 4:00
  But deep down, what you really want is a quiet weekend.
• 4:04
  We can just unwind and catch your breath and you know that going out with that couple in particular is going to keep you feeling on edge and like you can't actually be yourself.
• 4:13
  Now, each of these are examples of when you do not mean what you say, and you do not say what you mean.
• 4:20
  These are examples of when your words and your actions don't match up.
• 4:24
  These are examples of when you're actually out of integrity with yourself, and these are all examples of seemingly innocent comments that can ultimately lead to anger, resentment, and even distrust in relationship.
• 4:38
  We do not feel good inside when we're doing this.
• 4:41
  And we know we're not gonna feel good inside when we do this, so why do we do it?
• 4:45
  One potential reason is that deep down we have that belief that,"well, if I can just make everybody else happy, then I'll feel safe, then I'll feel secure, then I'll feel connected, then I'll feel adored." But in reality, being"nice" and saying the"right" thing instead of actually how we really feel, then it often leads to misunderstandings, disappointment, and resentment, which are some of the most corrosive things that you can bring into your relationships.
• 5:13
  When I was first introduced to coaching as a recovering people pleaser, I started to see that I had a lot of quiet tension in all of my relationships.
• 5:23
  Now, I want you to think of this as silent, but deadly.
• 5:26
  That's how I was feeling.
• 5:27
  On the outside, other people couldn't see it, but inside I was really worked up All the time, I was experiencing just this subtle hum of contention in my relationships, but because the subtle hum had become my baseline emotionally, it was really hard for me to see that all of this was self-created and even see the anxiety that I was feeling until it was pointed out to me by my coach.
• 5:52
  And that's when I started to realize how many things I was doing that I really didn't want to do.
• 5:57
  And this wasn't just for the things that I was explicitly asked to do, but also for the things that nobody asked me to do.
• 6:05
  I was essentially just volunteering for things, thinking that if I could just anticipate everybody else's wants, needs, and desires, then soon they would start to anticipate my wants, needs, and desires, and they would actually be met.
• 6:19
  It was about this time that a friend of mine pointed out to me that unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
• 6:26
  Wow.
• 6:27
  Was that the truth?
• 6:29
  Because I wasn't speaking my expectations out loud, my expectations for appreciation, reciprocation, consideration, my unspoken expectations were almost always leading to resentment.
• 6:42
  And that was so damaging for not only my personal mental health, but also my relationships.
• 6:48
  The unspoken part of the silent contracts that I had with my friends and family was, if I do this for you, then you will do this for me.
• 6:58
  But they weren't aware that they had entered into this contract, they had no idea.
• 7:02
  So I would say,'oh yeah, of course.
• 7:03
  That's no big deal.
• 7:04
  I'm happy to help," even when I was feeling really exhausted and spread so thin that I could barely fulfill my own needs.
• 7:12
  And guess what?
• 7:13
  Because I had trained people to expect that kind of a response from me.
• 7:18
  They actually believed me when I said that everything was fine and I was happy to do it.
• 7:23
  In fact, they thought,"oh, but she really enjoys doing these kinds of things for me.
• 7:27
  In fact, I am doing her a favor by allowing her to do this thing for me.
• 7:31
  I didn't ask her to do this.
• 7:33
  She volunteered to do this," and that only made the imbalance in relationship even worse.
• 7:39
  In their mind, then letting me do this thing that I volunteered to do, then that would be reward enough for me.
• 7:46
  They thought that that's what I wanted to do, right?
• 7:49
  But for me, I needed more than that.
• 7:51
  I wanted to have my kind acts reciprocated.
• 7:55
  I wanted to be able to rest thoroughly.
• 7:58
  I wanted a token of appreciation for all of the ways that I was investing into relationship.
• 8:03
  I wanted them to be equally as intuitive about what it was that I needed.
• 8:09
  but they had no idea about any of that because of the mask that I was putting on.
• 8:17
  I wanted them to be able to anticipate my needs like I was anticipating theirs, but I would never, ever do anything as drastic as actually saying that out loud, because that would be selfish.
• 8:29
  Right?
• 8:30
  So at the same time that they thought that all was well in the relationship, I was feeling very bitter and resentful, and eventually I hit a wall.
• 8:40
  I was burned out.
• 8:42
  I could not keep giving at the level that I was giving without completely crashing.
• 8:48
  And it was taking a serious toll on my mental and physical health.
• 8:53
  So with the help of coaching, then I was able to enter into a new phase of life, a phase where I was given permission to say"no" permission that I actually had all along.
• 9:03
  Right?
• 9:03
  I just needed to give myself permission to say no.
• 9:07
  And that meant that for me, for a particular season of time, I had to say no to everything.
• 9:13
  But I wasn't saying no out of bitterness.
• 9:16
  I was saying no out of desperation.
• 9:20
  I desperately needed to catch my breath.
• 9:23
  I needed space to figure out what my needs were so that I could actually articulate them to other people and actually get a shot at having those needs met.
• 9:33
  I had allowed myself to become so depleted by saying"yes" to both the explicit requests and the implied requests that I had nothing left for myself.
• 9:44
  I knew that for this season I couldn't say yes to something unless I could give it a wholehearted yes, which meant that if I had any reservations about it at all, I needed to say no.
• 9:57
  I also decided that for a season I was going to stop offering support unless I was explicitly asked for my help.
• 10:05
  And when I really thought about it, there were a lot of things that I wasn't asked to do, but I felt compelled to do them anyway.
• 10:10
  For example, a friend would share that they were having a rough day and that they had some kind of a struggle going on.
• 10:15
  They needed a rest, a babysitter, a ride, whatever.
• 10:17
  And rather than just sitting with them while they felt their feelings and practiced solving their own problems, instead, I would immediately jump in to fix it for them.
• 10:28
  And this kept both of us stuck in a really toxic cycle.
• 10:32
  So I would jump in and I would say, oh, that sounds so hard.
• 10:35
  Let me bring you dinner.
• 10:36
  Let me watch the kids.
• 10:38
  Let me watch your pet while you go on vacation.
• 10:40
  Let me water your lawn, let me wash your dishes.
• 10:42
  Let me rearrange my whole schedule and my whole life to accommodate you so that you don't have to experience any negative emotion.
• 10:51
  In fact, you don't even have to face the discomfort of asking me for help because I'm just going to volunteer it.
• 10:58
  And while those kind acts can be kind and generous, in my case during this season, then they were being driven by a need to be seen and appreciated, to be valued, to increase my own personal worth, and earn love and connection.
• 11:13
  Essentially I was faced head on with what we talked about last week, attaching my worth to what it was that I could do for other people rather than who I actually was.
• 11:24
  It was also really interesting for me to observe that I had actually been teaching other people that they didn't have to ask for help.
• 11:31
  They didn't have to articulate their needs at all, and that was very detrimental to the relationship.
• 11:37
  I knew how uncomfortable it was for me to ask for help, so I would be sparing other people from that discomfort, and I would just jump in without being asked, hoping that they would do the same for me, and that they would spare me from experiencing that discomfort.
• 11:52
  So I hoped that they would just see what it was that I so desperately needed, but was too uncomfortable to ask for.
• 11:59
  After having all these realizations, I started to work to create some lasting change for myself.
• 12:04
  I started practicing saying what I meant and meaning what I said.
• 12:09
  But keep in mind that for years I had been unknowingly conditioning myself and others to just intuit needs.
• 12:15
  So admittedly, my husband, he really did take the brunt of this.
• 12:19
  So, for example, he might say, Hey, I wanna go and have a guy's night this weekend.
• 12:22
  We're gonna go to Buffalo Wild Wings.
• 12:24
  We're gonna watch the fight, it's gonna be great.
• 12:26
  And I'd say, oh yeah, that's totally fine.
• 12:28
  Go have a good time with your friends.
• 12:31
  But really I wanted him to also dedicate a weekend night to me.
• 12:36
  I wanted to be able to go on a date with my husband, but I kept that part to myself just thinking, oh, if I'm letting him go do this really cool thing, then he'll think about what it is that I might want to do on the weekend.
• 12:47
  And so I was just remaining silent about it and then resenting him later when I didn't get my date night.
• 12:53
  So then he would be very confused about that and he'd say,"but you said it was okay for me to go out with the guys.
• 12:58
  I don't know why I'm in trouble.
• 13:00
  I was just doing what you said," right?
• 13:02
  So I was putting him in a situation where I wanted him to intuit what it was that I really wanted.
• 13:08
  He should just know that I also wanted a date on the calendar.
• 13:13
  And I remember one day after having lots of coaching and lots of practice actually saying what I meant and meaning what I said, that I was having this conversation with my husband and it was really a big shift I think for me personally as well as for our relationship, so on this particular day, I was having a conversation with my husband and I finally had to tell him, I said, look, please just hold me to my words.
• 13:36
  Up until this point in relationship, then we had both been just trying to intuit what it was that the other person wanted, and this meant that I was essentially giving him mixed signals, right?
• 13:45
  Like with Fight night, he had no idea what to expect because my words were saying one thing, but then I'd be grumpy later.
• 13:51
  I was giving him mixed signals.
• 13:53
  I wasn't being consistent with my words or my actions.
• 13:57
  When you're not saying what you mean and meaning what you say, then those that you're engaging with are constantly receiving mixed messaging from you, which leaves them feeling uncertain in the relationship or like it's their job to read between the lines when you are the one who isn't doing the communicating.
• 14:13
  So I told my husband, I said, okay, please just stop.
• 14:16
  Stop trying to intuit what it is that I'm trying to say, and instead just hold me to my words.
• 14:22
  If as I'm learning, then if my words end up being wrong or if they're not the whole truth, or if I forgot to mention something, then let me feel the weight of the consequences.
• 14:32
  Please love me enough to just let me practice this.
• 14:36
  Let me figure out how to express myself.
• 14:38
  Even if I'm clumsy in the beginning, please stop trying to intuit what it is that you think that I mean, and instead hold me to my word.
• 14:46
  I will work to be more honest, but I need you to hold me to my words so that I can work through this on my own.
• 14:52
  And that conversation was huge for us and it helped me to wake up to how I'd been doing that same thing in other relationships.
• 15:01
  I had been trying to read between the lines of what people had been saying, right?
• 15:05
  I was trying to figure out, okay, so what is it that they're really trying to say?
• 15:08
  I was not believing their words either.
• 15:11
  And when you're not actually believing people's words and when you're trying to read between the lines, it's pretty hit and miss on if you're gonna actually be able to fulfill the need or not.
• 15:19
  And honestly, I was really hoping that other people that they'd magically read between the lines and fix my problems for me.
• 15:24
  It felt really uncomfortable to articulate a need.
• 15:26
  And I think this is true for many people pleasers.
• 15:29
  It can feel really uncomfortable to admit that we have needs, let alone ask to have those needs met.
• 15:36
  So if you are someone who is struggling to speak your truth, if you find yourself nodding along in agreement when you really want to say no, if you have been the helper for everybody, but you feel really alone when you are the one in need of help, I see you.
• 15:50
  I have been you.
• 15:51
  And I can help.
• 15:52
  Coaching has really helped me to feel more grounded, less anxious, and more connected with who it is that I really am, rather than who it is that I think other people think I should be.
• 16:02
  It has helped me to communicate my needs more clearly and more kindly without guilt and without having that fear of abandonment.
• 16:11
  And I truly believe that coaching can help you too.
• 16:14
  So right now I'm offering six week coaching packages.
• 16:16
  These are one-on-one sessions, and I do have a few spots becoming available this month.
• 16:21
  So if this episode spoke to you, and if you're ready to stop people pleasing and start showing up more honestly in your relationships, then let's work together.
• 16:29
  You can find me in many ways.
• 16:31
  You can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life, send me a message on social media, or come to my website, www.maryannwalker.life, but come and work with me.
• 16:39
  I would love to work with you.
• 16:41
  Also, I'm currently in the process of gauging interest for a small group coaching program for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 16:48
  So if you are looking for some practical tools, if you're looking for some energetic practices that can help you to feel more grounded in your own energy, less affected by other people's energy, and more energized overall.
• 17:00
  If you want to be better able to state your own needs more clearly and recognize what's yours and what's other people's, I would love for you to join my wait list for this course.
• 17:09
  This is going to be just the beta testing round, and honestly, I'm undecided if I'm going to be doing this again or not.
• 17:15
  So if you are interested, I encourage you to get in.
• 17:18
  Now on my wait list, I plan to keep this very small.
• 17:22
  I'm thinking maybe just 15 to 20 people.
• 17:24
  That way I can offer a more personalized and customized support for those that are in the group.
• 17:29
  So if you are interested in something like that, then jump on my wait list so that you can be the first to know when registration is open for that course.
• 17:37
  You can find the link for that wait list in the show notes.
• 17:41
  So in closing, remember to say what you mean and mean what you say.
• 17:45
  That's how you build trust, not just with other people, but with yourself.
• 17:49
  Because at the end of the day, boundaries and honesty are not just about protecting yourself, but they're about creating relationships that are real, sustainable, and soul fulfilling.
• 18:01
  All right.
• 18:01
  Well, thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you next time.
• 18:03
  Hmm.
• 18:03
  Bye now.