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How to Let Go of Expectations That Were Never Yours featuring Elle Jaye · The Inspired Speaker Network

• 0:09
  Your travels have brought you to the Surfing Your Edge podcast,
• 0:12
  where we explore what it takes to create the bigger, bolder,
• 0:16
  badass life you know you were born for.
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  Not a life that simply looks good on paper,
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  and not another spin on the self-help hamster wheel.
• 0:26
  If you're ready for more joy, more peace, and more contribution,
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  you're in the right place.
• 0:32
  I'm Kristine Goad, the Surfing Your Edge coach.
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  Let's get surfing.
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  What happens when you realize that some of the expectations
• 0:40
  you've been carrying may not actually belong to you?
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  In this episode, I'm talking with Elle Jaye,
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  a holistic alignment strategist and host of the podcast
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  Evolving With Elle, When Capable Women Carry Too Much.
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  We talk about the roles women take on,
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  the unexamined expectations that can get attached to those roles,
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  and what can happen when life disrupts your sense
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  of who you thought you were.
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  We also talk about curiosity, choice,
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  and the way the future you can imagine
• 1:11
  can begin shaping the decisions you make today.
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  It's a conversation about becoming more aligned
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  with who you actually are,
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  and giving yourself room to ask,
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  what else is possible?
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  Here's my conversation with Elle Jaye.
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  All righty.
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  I am so glad to be here today with you, Elle Jaye.
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  Thank you very much for making time for me.
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  I know you have a very busy life,
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  so I appreciate it a great deal.
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  Kristine, I am glad to be here on Surfing Your Edge
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  because it's just something that we as people do,
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  but we may not always name it that.
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  So I am grateful that you have me here
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  so we can have that discussion.
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  Yeah, me too.
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  We're new friends.
• 2:00
  We're both launching brand-new podcasts
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  on the Inspired Speaker Network,
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  and that's how we first met.
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  And I felt an immediate connection with you
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  when you were talking about women who do too much.
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  Yes.
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  Do you want to say in your own words
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  what holistic alignment strategist means?
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  Yes.
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  Thank you for that opportunity, Kristine.
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  So for me, when I say that I'm a holistic alignment strategist,
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  it's from a lived experience, right?
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  As the oldest female in a large family,
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  there were lots of roles placed on me at an early age.
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  Yes.
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  So not only was I a daughter, a sister,
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  I was almost like a second parent,
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  or not second, but a proxy.
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  Because with both of my parents,
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  my dad, he worked and brought home the bacon, so to speak.
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  And then my mom, she, as a stay-at-home mother,
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  after having three of us,
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  she began to just have so much on her own plate.
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  And what do we do as parents with a lot of children?
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  It was over 10.
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  What do you do?
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  You go to your oldest children and you say,
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  hey, here's some responsibilities.
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  Here's some expectations.
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  And what they didn't know was it was creating some misalignment within me,
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  some incongruence.
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  And then as I grew up and came into adulthood,
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  and some disruptive things happened to me in my life,
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  I was like, wait a minute.
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  I don't know who Elle is.
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  Because I've been so busy serving,
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  doing things for other people, because that's what was expected.
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  And I'm a responsible person.
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  And I take every role that's given to me seriously,
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  because I care about the people on the other side.
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  But I also need to care about the person on this side.
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  So starting with me, I'm working on that,
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  evolving with Elle, which is my podcast,
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  When Capable Women Carry Too Much,
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  that's how we get aligned with ourselves.
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  We take one role at a time, figure out what are my responsibilities?
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  Are there those rigid,
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  unexamined expectations tied into those responsibilities?
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  If so, let's figure out that way to pull it out,
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  figure out what we do want to do.
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  It's a matter of choice.
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  So that's where that alignment comes in.
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  Absolutely.
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  So when you're working with someone as a holistic alignment strategist,
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  you're helping them work through those roles as a partner in what they're working on?
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  Yes, that is the whole goal.
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  And the reason I say that I am a strategist is because each person,
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  each woman that I specialize in supporting,
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  they are their own subject matter experts.
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  What we call SMEs.
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  You're the SME of your own life, not me.
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  I love that.
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  You're the SME, not me.
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  So that is why we partner and collaborate,
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  because as I bring the mirror, the map, and the method,
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  you get to choose what fits you,
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  because the mirror helps us all reflect.
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  The map is, hey, these are some points in my journey that I had to go to,
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  whether it was community with other women to where I stopped hiding and stopped
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  trying to be this super powerful, strong woman.
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  And the community created a place for me to actually operate from one of my values,
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  which is to be open and vulnerable.
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  And then to be another aspect of myself is that I am powerful.
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  How can you be powerful if you're sitting in victimhood?
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  And I sat there for sometimes, I'm just going to be honest,
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  because in my life there were disruptive things that got me out of my comfort zone,
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  but it was painful.
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  But that pain actually let me know after I expressed it, got through it, got support.
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  I'm like, wait a minute, I'm powerful.
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  This situation just illuminated where I was stuck.
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  And then that allowed me to say, oh, wait, I'm also free.
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  So I'm an open, powerful, free woman.
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  And those disruptions led me to step into my freedom.
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  That's always been there this whole entire time.
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  So as I partner with women, what I bring is my full self,
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  my open, powerful, free woman self.
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  And I stand for and value connection, compassion, and love.
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  And when I say love, it's treat people the way you want to be treated.
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  So I had to figure out how do I want to be treated?
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  And that is where I'm coming from.
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  Wow.
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  So it was really your personal journey that led you to doing the work that you do?
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  My personal journey observing other women's experiences,
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  whether they were family members, women that I worked with, women at church.
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  I just observed and learned because that is another thing that I love to do is just sit back and observe.
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  I can be in my head and just think because that's somewhat a comfortable place for me.
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  But in going through what I went through, I'm like, wait a minute.
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  No one else has to.
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  And just as I learned from other people's experiences,
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  I want to be able to say, well, here's mine.
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  And no, my experience has not been pretty.
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  It could have been terribly devastating.
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  But the thing I did was I made a choice.
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  I allowed people to read my label.
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  Mm hmm.
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  I allowed people to pour into me, encourage me, challenge me and say, stop hiding.
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  Come on out.
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  You are powerful.
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  There are people.
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  That. That have been waiting for you.
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  Mm hmm.
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  And that's to say that is heavy.
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  At the same time, it's also light.
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  And the reason I can say that is it's not me.
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  It's not me. It's not my ego.
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  It is my heart.
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  My ability to.
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  Be open and connect with others from a place of compassion, because.
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  Why in the world.
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  Would I judge someone for not knowing then what they know now.
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  When I had the same experience.
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  Mm hmm.
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  Why would I judge someone.
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  And condemn them in gossip.
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  When I received that same thing, you can feel that energy from people.
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  Yeah.
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  And I don't want any other woman to feel that.
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  Why would I.
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  Look at someone's role as a mom or a parent and say, oh, you're doing that wrong.
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  You're not a good mom. You're not a good dad.
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  Nope, not going to do it.
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  Why not, because it was done to me and I don't like it.
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  So I want to give someone what I didn't have.
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  Again, the energy that we give off.
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  With judgment and criticism.
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  That is heavy.
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  And a lot of times the judgment we have for others is really a judgment we have against ourselves. Right. We're.
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  We're putting on someone else an expectation that we have that we hold for ourselves, whether we live up to it or not. Right. Or it's a.
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  It's often someone else's criticism.
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  Of us that we're just passing along.
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  Yeah.
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  So.
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  So.
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  I understand.
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  Yeah, thank you. I, um, I can get emotional.
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  That's when, um, when I think about.
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  The placing expectations on to people that they didn't ask for, whether it's through judgment, criticism.
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  It's, it's not.
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  It's not.
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  Kind.
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  And I want to be kind.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  So you alluded a little bit to the fact that you had a hard time. I know. I think it was that you lost your mom.
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  And then also we're going through a divorce.
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  Yes.
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  So.
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  Those were what I call life disruptions. Right.
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  And they were definite challenges that had some conflict mixed in.
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  And, but there were also several silver linings throughout. Right.
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  So it wasn't all bad. And with that.
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  Let me take a deep breath and be straight up honest with everybody.
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  Those life disruptions.
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  Illuminated.
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  Some.
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  Areas that needed.
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  Healing.
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  And as we serve others.
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  In whatever capacity, whatever role we have, whether it is as an employee, a parent, a business owner.
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  As a spouse.
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  It doesn't matter what role it is that we're in.
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  If we have areas where we are sensitive.
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  But say like if there's an open wound.
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  About something.
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  We get to deal with it because.
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  Life.
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  Let's just know. Right.
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  As they say, life be lifing.
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  It's certainly life for me.
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  So those disruptions with I call.
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  There was the passing of both of my parents.
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  Separate years.
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  The difficult decision to.
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  Have to get a divorce because I was being treated in a way that I didn't want to be treated.
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  And then as a result of.
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  Restructuring my children's family.
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  They made some choices.
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  In which parent they wanted to live with.
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  Which led to some.
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  Devastating depression kinds of things.
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  For me, because it's like, wait, I'm not a good mom. Why are they running away?
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  Well, it was because I was grieving and they had to.
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  They have two capable parents.
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  And that is okay.
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  It was just this.
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  Expectation that I had that in getting a divorce.
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  That meant that my children needed and were supposed to and must stay with me.
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  No matter what else I was going through, I was supposed to be strong.
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  And be able to.
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  Raise them.
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  Put myself on the back burner, deal with my grief and everything later.
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  But that's really not how it works.
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  Because.
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  Just as I said, when you can sense the negative energy, our.
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  Everyone can sense that you're going through something. You can't hide that.
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  No matter how much you try.
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  I tried and my children were like.
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  So, and I'm not blaming myself.
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  I'm just recognizing that though I was able to find a better paying job, able to buy my house on my own.
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  And able to have fine community to be a part of, even in the midst of all of those disruptions.
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  There were still things that were outside of my control.
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  Absolutely. There always are.
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  And I, and it was okay.
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  So this has definitely been a space of evolving and standing and looking at myself in the mirror.
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  And reflecting Kristine.
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  At.
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  How I unknowingly.
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  Was surfing my edge in cowabunga kind of way.
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  Yeah, we've talked a little bit about, I mean, I know you've been doing a lot of work on.
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  What the things that have happened in your past to heal those.
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  But when you had me on your podcast, I think we talked the tiniest little bit about maybe we didn't.
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  Maybe it was all in my head, but I think we talked a little bit about the fact that the vision you hold for your future.
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  And the ability to see different possibilities for yourself really are is that ability.
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  Is what's determining how you're behaving in today in today's decision making.
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  What you see as possible is going to determine what decisions you make today.
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  If you think there are very limited possibilities, you're not going to change a whole lot.
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  If you think that you have an opportunity to become a bigger, bolder, more badass person, you're going to make bigger, bolder, badass decisions.
• 18:39
  Right. So when you were going through that hard place and having to really pick yourself up and restructure, you were restructuring your family.
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  But you were also restructuring your own ideas about who you are and how you want to be in the world, I would imagine.
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  So I'm sorry. No, I'm listening.
• 19:04
  OK, so I'm wondering what vision were you holding on to?
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  Like, what were you moving toward?
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  Was there a feeling? Was there a picture?
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  What was in your head for what you wanted to you wanted life to get to when you felt like you were on more stable ground?
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  Well, the picture in my mind was bigger than me.
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  My vision is about supporting and partnering with women to where we can be aligned within ourselves so that we give our children the space to connect with themselves now.
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  Hmm.
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  I didn't have that when I was growing up.
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  And it was because everyone was in survival mode.
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  Yeah.
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  Everyone was trying to just stay alive, pay bills.
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  And keep the children alive. Right.
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  That's great. It's necessary.
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  But now with.
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  More.
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  Evolution, more learning, more understanding of how people develop from birth to adulthood.
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  There are ages and stages where we as parents.
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  Get to stop taking things personally, get to refrain from saying this is how I was raised.
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  Let me raise my children similarly.
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  Let me avoid let me help my children avoid what I went through.
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  Well, here's the thing. Your children aren't you.
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  And I'm talking specifically about the parenting role, but this is applicable even at work because we could be in a job for 10 years.
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  A new person gets hired and we're like, hey, these are the things that I've experienced and I want to save you from experiencing these same things.
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  So we can do the same thing in whatever role that we are discussing.
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  I am choosing the parenting role.
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  Mm hmm.
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  Because that's where my vision is.
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  It's the children.
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  Mm hmm.
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  The children have.
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  A gift on the inside of them.
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  Yes, they are born of their parents.
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  Adopted, fostered.
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  They still have that gift no matter who their guardian is.
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  And as their guardians.
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  Their guides.
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  We get to figure out and shore up our wounds and heal them.
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  And take the lessons.
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  And say, OK, from this lesson.
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  This is how I'm going to use the wisdom and knowledge from this lesson to parent and guide rather than saying.
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  Here's this pain.
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  Let me parent and guide from a protective.
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  I need to keep you safe and sheltered place.
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  No, no, no.
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  That's a low place.
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  High place.
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  Lesson learned.
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  What can I take from this to pass on?
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  That elevates them.
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  So.
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  I get to do live that out.
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  From all the women who choose to partner with me.
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  Which it would be an honor to support you in your evolution to being.
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  Who you are meant to be.
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  And you operate from that place of being.
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  Because from that being space.
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  That's where you get to create your vision.
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  That you're aiming high for.
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  And Viktor Frankl.
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  He gave a.
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  Talk about an airline pilot.
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  That you got to aim high.
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  And know where you're going.
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  And if you're off just a little bit, you you'll miss your destination, right?
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  But as people with these visions, like my vision of supporting women to help their children just be who they're meant to be earlier.
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  I may not hit that.
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  That's okay.
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  But I'm still going to aim for it.
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  And that's the beauty of having a vision.
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  And a vision bigger than myself.
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  I see myself in it.
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  Definitely that.
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  But it's bigger than me.
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  For generations to come that someone can take what I'm doing.
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  And keep growing it forward.
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  And I have a feeling that starting your podcast was is part of that vision.
• 25:05
  Do you want to talk about how you surfed your edge in creating this new piece of your business?
• 25:15
  Thank you.
• 25:16
  Yes.
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  So I was invited by Danielle Benson.
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  And I said yes.
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  It stretched me in so many ways.
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  Because normally I would have said no.
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  And I would have stayed in that familiar place and said no next time.
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  Next time.
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  Because that's what I'm accustomed to doing.
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  Something seems too big for me or that I don't think I'm capable or even worthy.
• 25:56
  Sometimes I'll just say next time and I'll watch.
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  As I said, I like to watch people.
• 25:59
  So I'll watch what someone else does and then say, okay, yeah, I can do it.
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  But I said yes.
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  And I don't even know.
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  I promise you I don't even know why I said yes.
• 26:15
  But I said yes.
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  And then I met you.
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  I met all of the other women, female podcast hosts.
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  And I'm like, I'm in a family.
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  And we're all stretching together.
• 26:33
  Yeah, it was a similar situation for me.
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  I wanted to do a podcast.
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  But now was not the time.
• 26:41
  Right.
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  I had a lot of other things already on my plate.
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  I didn't know how I was going to afford it even, you know, because it's a financial commitment.
• 26:50
  In addition to a huge time commitment.
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  And I'd forgotten.
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  I used to do a weekly Facebook live show.
• 26:59
  And that in and of itself took time.
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  And I'd forgotten how much goes into scheduling guests and figuring out what you're going to talk about.
• 27:09
  And then sharing the episodes and sharing all of the things with your guests so that they can share the episodes.
• 27:15
  And I'd forgotten what a wheel, what a little machine it is.
• 27:21
  And when Danielle asked, my first response, I think there was a response in the first response was probably yes.
• 27:33
  The next bigger response was no, not now.
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  But by the end of the call, I had said yes.
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  And I had no idea how I was going to make it all fly.
• 27:44
  And how I was going to make the podcast successful when I had struggled with going solo on the Surfing Your Edge live shows.
• 27:58
  That was really a challenge for me.
• 28:00
  And I didn't know how I was going to sit and talk to myself for a podcast that was going to have even bigger reach.
• 28:07
  So I almost feel like it was Danielle.
• 28:09
  It was something about Danielle.
• 28:11
  Yes.
• 28:12
  And our trust in her.
• 28:14
  Yeah.
• 28:15
  That made it feel like, okay, if I'm going to do it, this is probably the time.
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  Or there was something divine.
• 28:25
  I would say it's a both and.
• 28:28
  Yeah.
• 28:28
  It's a both and.
• 28:30
  Yeah.
• 28:30
  Both things can be true with being able to surf my edge out of what was comfortable, what was familiar for me.
• 28:43
  And feeling like, okay, well, I thought that, you know, the way I was doing things was going to get me to a place where I can have what I need to do this.
• 29:02
  And I don't know.
• 29:06
  It's it's really and truly a let's think about it.
• 29:13
  Time, energy and money.
• 29:16
  Those are always the top three, two of which are very finite.
• 29:23
  One is extremely finite time.
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  Everybody has the same amount of time in the day.
• 29:27
  Energy.
• 29:28
  If you exercise, you can actually get some more.
• 29:31
  You know, you can bank that.
• 29:32
  And then your finances, it could be limited at a particular point.
• 29:38
  But with the vision and being able to say, hi, I'm here.
• 29:45
  I would love to give you the resources and knowledge that I have.
• 29:56
  And receive from you.
• 30:00
  The monetary benefit, because just as it costs me to be right here, everything costs someone something, whether it's time, energy or money.
• 30:15
  So when we are engaging with people and saying.
• 30:22
  Receiving people as clients.
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  We're like, hey.
• 30:27
  My responsibilities, your responsibilities.
• 30:30
  Let's work this out so that you get the results that you desire and to get the results you desire.
• 30:41
  You got to surf your edge.
• 30:42
  You cannot stay in your comfort zone.
• 30:45
  You get to be willing to adapt, evolve, transform.
• 30:53
  Because if you have that vision for the future.
• 30:57
  The decisions that you make today lead to it.
• 31:03
  So.
• 31:04
  Saying yes.
• 31:07
  To a podcast.
• 31:09
  Oh, this is going to leave me there.
• 31:12
  Absolutely.
• 31:15
  Meeting you about surfing your edge.
• 31:18
  It's like, oh, yeah, I've got those growth.
• 31:21
  And I call them growth edges, what people might call weaknesses or vulnerabilities or wounds, whatever you want to call them.
• 31:31
  My growth edges have been getting sharpened, so it's not going to be a growth edge anymore.
• 31:37
  And then my comfort zone is expanding.
• 31:41
  Absolutely.
• 31:43
  I'm being more of who I am in my heart, the core of me.
• 31:50
  I'm connecting with who I am at my core.
• 31:54
  Yes.
• 31:55
  And I really believe that that is our purpose on this planet.
• 31:59
  And it's the way we serve ourselves, but also the way we serve other people.
• 32:03
  The more authentic we are willing to be and the more aligned we are with, you know, who we feel we're meant to be and how we want to be in the world, the more we give permission to everyone around us to also express themselves fully.
• 32:24
  Yeah.
• 32:25
  And in that expression of self, I know we were talking, I'm sharing with you guys about the multiple roles that we all have, especially as high capacity heart centered women who feel like, well, I feel super successful in my work life because that's where I was trained.
• 32:53
  And get the education, work hard, do what you need to do for your supervisors, get promoted.
• 33:01
  Really good at that.
• 33:03
  But sometimes in other roles, like being a friend.
• 33:09
  I didn't really know what it was to be a friend because who had time for that?
• 33:16
  You're just trying to achieve and climb up that ladder.
• 33:20
  Which means I've had to grow in that area, in that role.
• 33:29
  So what I like to support women in doing is being able to harmonize all of the roles that we have.
• 33:39
  Instead of saying, I'm all of these things all at once.
• 33:44
  Are you though?
• 33:48
  We're not.
• 33:50
  We step into roles.
• 33:53
  And that's why it's necessary to get clear on, OK, what's the relationship that I'm in with this role?
• 34:04
  What are the responsibilities I have agreed to in this role and receive the alignment from the other person on the other side?
• 34:18
  And then what expectations have we discussed, examined and gotten clear on?
• 34:24
  So that when I'm in this role as a friend, I can show up without feeling guilty, without feeling like I'm letting my friend down.
• 34:37
  Because I've established, hey, on Sundays, you and I, this is when we spend time together.
• 34:44
  Because right now.
• 34:46
  I am scheduling interviews for my podcast.
• 34:51
  I still work. I am a business owner and I have speaking engagements as well.
• 34:59
  And I value you as my friend. So on this day, we we're going to have our time together.
• 35:06
  Same thing with my children.
• 35:09
  It's a little that one is still in flux because they're teenagers and there's something happening.
• 35:15
  Right. So that that is where you really get to.
• 35:21
  I've really gotten to learn how to pivot, adjust and be super flexible, like Elastigirl.
• 35:32
  The Incredibles is like, oh, my gosh, how much more can I stretch?
• 35:39
  But it's it is possible. And I'm taking care of myself.
• 35:46
  I take a nap when I need a nap. Yes.
• 35:50
  I love naps. I don't feel guilty or I do not label myself as lazy.
• 35:57
  I'm like, oh, I'm listening to my body. Yes. I'm giving my body what it needs.
• 36:03
  And then there's times where I'm like, hmm, let me go for a walk because I've got some pent up energy that I need to get out.
• 36:16
  Those are all things to create the harmony.
• 36:21
  Some of the things I haven't mentioned them all, but. Thank you.
• 36:26
  Yeah. So I think it's possible that we're surfing multiple edges at one time.
• 36:35
  What's your favorite edge that you're surfing right now?
• 36:39
  My favorite edge I'm surfing right now is being that business owner and speaker, because.
• 36:49
  I am. Not only interacting with people online, because that's where I got started, that was comfortable for me, but it was still surfy enough.
• 37:02
  OK, now I'm stepping out to people IRL and saying, hey, what do you have going on and how can I support you?
• 37:18
  IRL is in real life. So.
• 37:22
  I did that this past weekend, I went to an event.
• 37:27
  It was an annual event and it was its fifth year.
• 37:32
  And I had so much fun.
• 37:35
  I was like, wait, being a business owner and a speaker can be fun.
• 37:41
  Yeah. So let's have fun as we do this.
• 37:46
  So that's what I was. I had fun this weekend.
• 37:49
  There's no reason to do it if it's not fun, right?
• 37:52
  Yeah.
• 37:53
  Why would we create a business that's just another job that we're going to grow to love?
• 37:57
  And I've seen it happen and people have built beautiful things that in the end just didn't fit them.
• 38:05
  And so I think growing from knowing from the beginning how you want to feel in your business and what kinds of things you want to experience and again, how you want to show up in the world.
• 38:17
  I think that's really important and making you can absolutely experiment.
• 38:22
  But then if something doesn't feel right, don't force yourself into that box.
• 38:27
  Right. Let yourself say there's another way to do this.
• 38:30
  And let me go find it.
• 38:33
  Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 38:36
  Because with that, I'm so excited, I'm tongue tied.
• 38:44
  All right. With what I hear you say, Kristine, that's what we can do with particular expectations or judgments.
• 38:57
  We can allow those to put us in a container.
• 39:02
  And box us into a corner.
• 39:07
  And as Patrick Swayze said on Dirty Dancing, nobody puts baby in a corner.
• 39:13
  I'm not going to be put in a corner anymore, guys.
• 39:15
  What I want is to be able to look at and support and partner with women as we look at the different expectations that we may not have known existed that have held us captive.
• 39:35
  And we are forcing ourselves to do it because we were supposed to.
• 39:42
  We must or we should.
• 39:45
  If any of those words are put in a sentence, we need to we can finish saying the sentence and then say time out.
• 39:55
  I just said I should. Should I?
• 40:02
  How does it benefit my relationship in this role?
• 40:08
  How does it benefit me? How does it benefit the other person on the other side?
• 40:13
  Bigger question. What else is possible?
• 40:21
  You broaden out. Just as you're broadening out your comfort zone, you can broaden out the structure around your life to give you more room, more pathways to flow, to experiment, to see what works for you and the person you are in relationship with.
• 40:47
  It's more about the connection authentically than it is about some rules that have been passed down from society, tradition, culture, even from generations in your family.
• 41:11
  Which brings me to this other illustration, right?
• 41:15
  We've many of us have probably heard this where this little girl was curious about how her mother chopped off a quarter of the end of the roast and threw it away before putting it in the oven.
• 41:34
  And so she asked her mom, Mom, why are you cutting off that quarter end of the roast?
• 41:40
  Mom was like, I don't know. Let's go ask your grandmother, because that's who I saw do it.
• 41:46
  And then as mom asked grandma, grandma was like, I don't know. Let's ask great grandma, because I watched her and she did it.
• 41:56
  They get to great grandma and she's like, well, baby, when I was making my roast, my pan was too small.
• 42:13
  And that generation of waste stopped from the curiosity of a child.
• 42:23
  So we as adults can step into that curiosity and stop wasting our time, our energy and our money on things that don't serve us.
• 42:46
  We can get a bigger pan.
• 42:48
  Yes. We have more resources than our great grandparents.
• 42:55
  We have more knowledge, more understanding.
• 43:01
  We've paid to go to college to get certifications, to go to therapy.
• 43:10
  We've invested in ourselves and we get to continue that investment no matter what it looks like.
• 43:24
  So if you were to meet someone who was in a situation like you found yourself when you were grieving and reorganizing your whole life in the middle of that grief,
• 43:37
  what invitation would you make to someone?
• 43:40
  What's the smallest first step they can take to start to heal?
• 43:51
  That's a fantastic question.
• 43:59
  And I would say curiosity.
• 44:03
  Yes.
• 44:05
  Get curious.
• 44:09
  Like, hey, what can I learn from this situation?
• 44:19
  What can I learn about me?
• 44:23
  What is, I mean, what is God?
• 44:29
  What is the universe?
• 44:31
  What is divine wisdom showing?
• 44:36
  What am I meant to see about me?
• 44:44
  And you can ask yourself those questions after and as you are expressing every feeling that you are having.
• 45:00
  Yeah.
• 45:01
  Do not hold it back.
• 45:04
  Do not say, oh, well, else they'd be curious.
• 45:07
  Let me let me make sure I'm real clear.
• 45:11
  Express your feelings.
• 45:15
  And be curious.
• 45:19
  I know you said one, but I'm going to give them two because they're super important.
• 45:26
  From my own experience, because I thought, hey, I'm my spiritual life is I love God and through Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit.
• 45:36
  Right. So that's my spiritual, a spiritual aspect of myself.
• 45:41
  OK.
• 45:42
  And I thought, oh, God's just going to help me through it and I don't have to put these feelings to the side.
• 45:49
  God's got me.
• 45:51
  Right.
• 45:53
  Yes. And I'm still a human being.
• 45:58
  There are this system that I live in that I that I be from.
• 46:05
  Emotes.
• 46:06
  It thinks it feels it has sensations.
• 46:11
  Those things cannot be held captive either.
• 46:15
  They need to be expressed or they come out in some other way that you don't and that doctors are like, hey, I don't know why you're sick.
• 46:25
  Right.
• 46:26
  You're like, wait, but this is happening.
• 46:29
  No, I see nothing on any of these tests or any of these scans.
• 46:34
  And yeah.
• 46:36
  So express and be curious.
• 46:39
  I had to do that.
• 46:41
  And that literally saved my life.
• 46:44
  When someone told Alexa, she was like, I know a lot of people believe that all you have to do is write and journal it, journal about your feelings.
• 46:54
  That's good.
• 46:55
  And you also need to get it out of your body.
• 46:59
  Yes.
• 47:01
  Yes.
• 47:01
  And be present with yourself and grounded, because if you're not present and grounded within your whole self, your mind and body, what's the use of being curious?
• 47:16
  So that's why I am stressing the heck out of expressing your emotions in addition to being curious about, hey, what can I learn about myself?
• 47:29
  And when you're learning, when that curiosity comes up, do it from a place of, hey, look at everything that you've done to this point.
• 47:45
  Because, as I said, even though I was going through a very difficult time, I was still able to purchase a house.
• 47:55
  Why?
• 47:55
  Because I was connected to someone who said that I could.
• 48:01
  I was able to get a better paying job.
• 48:04
  Why?
• 48:06
  Because as I was being certified in my new career path, they gave us a career coach.
• 48:15
  Wow.
• 48:15
  And I was like, wow, really?
• 48:18
  And they taught us how to use LinkedIn to find a job.
• 48:22
  And that's what happened.
• 48:25
  And to reconnect with my daughters to where they say, mommy, you're going to sleep with a smile on your face.
• 48:35
  Oh, nice.
• 48:37
  How? Because I said, I can't do this by myself.
• 48:43
  And I found a therapist.
• 48:49
  Yes, there were people that supported me.
• 48:52
  And partner with me.
• 48:54
  And I made the choice.
• 48:58
  I took the action.
• 49:01
  I did something.
• 49:03
  I took my time, my energy and my finances, my money.
• 49:08
  And invested in myself in the midst of grief, pandemic, divorce.
• 49:21
  All the things.
• 49:23
  Yep.
• 49:24
  That's what I did.
• 49:27
  Yeah.
• 49:28
  And I would say that underneath all of that, there needs to be a recognition that you're worth it.
• 49:37
  That you're worth the effort.
• 49:39
  You're worth putting yourself first.
• 49:41
  You're worth getting to the bottom of whatever it is that's causing you pain or holding you back.
• 49:47
  And a lot of times I think women, in particular, when you were saying express yourself, we are taught that good girls hold their tongue.
• 50:03
  And there are ways to express yourself without doing it in destructive and harmful ways.
• 50:10
  And I recently went through a period of depression myself that had me worried enough that I started seeing a therapist.
• 50:17
  And she suggested that I go to one of those rooms where you break things.
• 50:24
  Oh, yes.
• 50:26
  Rage room.
• 50:28
  My daughters and I, we went.
• 50:30
  We went to a rage room.
• 50:32
  It was so fun.
• 50:34
  That's awesome.
• 50:35
  I haven't gone yet.
• 50:36
  I haven't felt the need.
• 50:37
  But, you know, winter's coming.
• 50:39
  So who knows?
• 50:41
  I encourage it.
• 50:43
  They give you protective gear.
• 50:47
  And when I did the rage room, there was there was rage, of course, coming out.
• 50:59
  Right.
• 51:00
  Then it went to just this release of water from my face.
• 51:07
  Mm hmm.
• 51:07
  Yeah.
• 51:09
  Then it went to this.
• 51:13
  Shit is fun.
• 51:14
  Mm hmm.
• 51:16
  So it was like this transition, this evolution of emotion.
• 51:21
  I love that.
• 51:22
  In the rage room.
• 51:23
  And I didn't know that that was what was going to happen.
• 51:27
  And that was my experience.
• 51:29
  And now, like, I'm I'm afraid of heights.
• 51:33
  Mm hmm.
• 51:34
  But I want to go to the skydiving, not from a plane, but there's a skydiving place.
• 51:41
  And I'm like, let me.
• 51:44
  I did that.
• 51:45
  You did that.
• 51:46
  I did that.
• 51:47
  How was that?
• 51:48
  It was totally fun.
• 51:51
  Actually, it's kind of boring.
• 51:53
  Really?
• 51:54
  The hardest part was getting for me was getting through the door because I like there's you know, you're it's a silo kind of thing with air coming up from the bottom and you lean in and there's this air.
• 52:07
  And I just I leaned in and I leaned back out like, oh, but then once you get in there, there's people all around you like sitting on a bench waiting for their turn.
• 52:20
  And you're just kind of hanging there and you're just like, OK, what do I do?
• 52:24
  There's there's spit flying out of my mouth.
• 52:26
  If I smile and if I wave, who am I waving at?
• 52:32
  And it's just it was kind of funny.
• 52:34
  So at first I was thinking, yeah, this is kind of boring.
• 52:36
  But then this is so silly.
• 52:40
  You're in there with another person holding you.
• 52:42
  Yes.
• 52:43
  At the beginning, there are different levels.
• 52:46
  You can work your way up so that you learn all the tricks and can go high and all of that.
• 52:50
  But at one point, the person who was with me spun me around and I was like, oh, now that was worth it.
• 53:00
  So, yes, I completely recommend the indoor skydiving.
• 53:05
  And I would actually if I lived closer to one, I think I would do all of the levels and get all the way up to the top.
• 53:13
  Our instructor, the person who was in there with us, went all the way to the top and then backwards, flew backwards down the tube and out the door.
• 53:23
  And it's it's hardly old, you know, wide enough for a person to fit through.
• 53:28
  So I was super impressed and I was like, all righty.
• 53:32
  Challenge accepted.
• 53:34
  Yes.
• 53:34
  You are making me so excited to find that skydiving place.
• 53:39
  It's totally fun.
• 53:41
  I would definitely do that again anytime.
• 53:44
  And I'm thinking about putting it into one of the retreats I'm going to be doing in North Carolina.
• 53:49
  So I'm excited that you want to try that.
• 53:52
  And I'm excited you are getting ready to go to a rave room.
• 53:56
  So look at this.
• 53:58
  We're sitting here having this conversation and we just exchanged like, hey, I did a rave room.
• 54:02
  I did a skydiving.
• 54:04
  Let's do them.
• 54:05
  So that is totally awesome.
• 54:10
  Kristine, I have loved talking with you.
• 54:14
  I always love talking with you.
• 54:16
  But we do need to wrap up at some point here.
• 54:19
  So what I want to ask is, is there anything that you wish I had asked you that I didn't or anything you feel you'd like to say to make the conversation we've had complete for you?
• 54:33
  Well, OK, so in the show notes, I am going to provide Kristine some links.
• 54:41
  The one I want to talk to you about is my the conversations that we have every Wednesday.
• 54:50
  It's called Elevating Conversations.
• 54:53
  So you see how Kristine and I just sat here, talked.
• 54:57
  We had questions back and forth.
• 54:59
  It was this free flow of information.
• 55:03
  That's what happens on Wednesdays with me.
• 55:06
  There's questions, there's interactions.
• 55:08
  Women have said that they came in heavy.
• 55:13
  We talked about some challenging things.
• 55:16
  But after we talked about it, shared each other's perspectives.
• 55:20
  We left lighter.
• 55:23
  So it's like, yeah.
• 55:25
  So elevating conversations happens every Wednesday.
• 55:29
  And the link is going to be in the show notes.
• 55:32
  And I just cannot wait to see you there.
• 55:35
  It's you don't have to participate.
• 55:37
  You can be a fly on the wall and observe and do what you need to do while gleaning from the encouragement of others.
• 55:48
  You can share in the comments or the chat because it's going to be on Zoom.
• 55:55
  That's what I would love to leave your audience with.
• 55:59
  So, yes, we started out talking about my podcast Evolving with Elle when capable women carry too much.
• 56:06
  I want to end with elevating conversations for women who are carrying too much.
• 56:14
  So that is that's I would love to continue to connect with you listeners and Kristine.
• 56:23
  Feel free to come to those elevating conversations.
• 56:27
  So thank you for this time.
• 56:30
  Or I could just share.
• 56:32
  Oh, absolutely.
• 56:33
  And I love the invitation you just made to our listeners.
• 56:36
  And I hope they take you up on it.
• 56:38
  I've not had the opportunity yet to to visit one to to participate in one.
• 56:45
  But I've heard nothing but good things from people I know who've been there.
• 56:49
  So I'm looking forward to that experience myself.
• 56:52
  And I hope everyone else will take a chance and show up.
• 56:56
  Be curious, curious.
• 56:58
  It's one hour and you don't even have to stay the whole hour.
• 57:01
  I am all about choosing what fits you.
• 57:07
  Absolutely.
• 57:08
  Well, on that note, I'm going to thank you, Elle, for being here.
• 57:12
  Thank our listeners for listening.
• 57:14
  And I will see you next week.
• 57:16
  And until then, I am wishing you wonder.
• 57:19
  Thank you, Kristine.
• 57:20
  Thank you.