Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1240 - Connection & Guidance For Your Adult Child

Transcript

#1240 - Connection & Guidance For Your Adult Child · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Today a question with the difference. This time we're dealing
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  Speaker 1: with older kids, in fact, adult kids. Because every Tuesday
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  Speaker 1: on the Happy Families Podcast, we answer your tricky questions
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  Speaker 1: about what to do when things are challenging at home,
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  Speaker 1: family relationships, well being, screens, discipline, the works. That's what
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  Speaker 1: we talk about every Tuesday with tricky questions. Welcome to
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast, Real parenting solutions every day. It
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  Speaker 1: is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Coulson.
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  Speaker 1: We don't get to talk about grown up kids very often,
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  Speaker 1: but today that's where we're going. A question from Lucy
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  Speaker 1: who says this, My twenty year old university's student daughter
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  Speaker 1: really enjoys posting photos of herself with friends on Instagram
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  Speaker 1: and Facebook. These photos are usually quote sexy party girl,
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  Speaker 1: close quote poses. Her accounts of public She has about
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  Speaker 1: twenty five hundred followers on Instagram about five hundred friends
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  Speaker 1: on Facebook. Husband and I concerned that her quote sexy
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  Speaker 1: party girl, close quote poses will be a disadvantage to
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  Speaker 1: her character and her future employment. We're planning to discuss
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  Speaker 1: this with our daughter. What should we say. I really
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  Speaker 1: want to support my adult child. Your support is so
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  Speaker 1: much appreciated. Thanks so much, Lucy. All Right, Kylie, we
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  Speaker 1: haven't been in this exact situation, but it's a bit
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  Speaker 1: of a tricky one.
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  Speaker 2: The word that jumps out at me as you were
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  Speaker 2: reading was support, And I guess my question is does
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  Speaker 2: her daughter feel like she needs support?
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  Speaker 1: I love tricky questions and I love your insight here.
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  Speaker 1: When our children, regardless of whether they're teenagers or toddlers
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  Speaker 1: or young adults as in this particular scenario, when they're
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  Speaker 1: doing things that we as parents see as being unwise
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  Speaker 1: or unsafe or unhealthy, our instinct is to stay and
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  Speaker 1: fix correct And because we've done it for so long,
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  Speaker 1: that makes sense, right. But now we're talking about a
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  Speaker 1: young adult. We're talking about somebody who's twenty years old.
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  Speaker 1: She's got a big girl pants on. Now she is
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  Speaker 1: a grown up, and she wants to make her own decisions.
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  Speaker 1: Is she fully mature neurologically? Is she cognitively and emotionally
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  Speaker 1: where she needs to be to have the perspective that
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  Speaker 1: she should have?
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  Speaker 2: Does she recognize how her choices may impact her in
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  Speaker 2: the future.
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  Speaker 1: Correct answer is no. Of all of those questions, No,
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  Speaker 1: she doesn't but my first central response to this is
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  Speaker 1: our kids, especially as they move into late adolescents in
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  Speaker 1: early adulthood, they prize their autonomy so highly. They have
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  Speaker 1: an enormous desire for autonomy, and when we as parents
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  Speaker 1: try to step in and make corrections and offer directions,
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  Speaker 1: they perceive that as force, and force creates resistance. This
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  Speaker 1: is the kind of thing that can does will rupture
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  Speaker 1: the relationship if you can't let it go.
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  Speaker 2: When our eldest daughter decided that she was no longer
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  Speaker 2: going to follow the rules of our home and was
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  Speaker 2: going to blaze a trail through the jungle in all
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  Speaker 2: its claws, she.
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  Speaker 1: Was asserting her independence, and.
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  Speaker 2: We decided that she definitely needed our support, she definitely
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  Speaker 2: needed our help. And one day she came to me
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  Speaker 2: and she just said, Mum, I've always been that kid.
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  Speaker 2: If you tell me that the stove's hot and I
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  Speaker 2: need to be careful or I need to stay away
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  Speaker 2: from it, I'm the kid who wants to feel it
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  Speaker 2: because I want to know what hot feels like. She's
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  Speaker 2: just that kid. She's hands on, she wants to experience
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  Speaker 2: it for herself, and then she goes out, you're right,
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  Speaker 2: yea oh, whoops. But she got to make her own choice.
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  Speaker 2: She got to experience it. And as frustrating as that
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  Speaker 2: is being a parent who can see the train just
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  Speaker 2: about to happen, there is something so profound that happens
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  Speaker 2: for our kids when they feel like we trust they
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  Speaker 2: can make good choices for themselves.
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  Speaker 1: Essentially, when I think about this situation, the second point
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  Speaker 1: that I would make is drop the agenda. You've got
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  Speaker 1: a child who is now an adult. Well, you don't
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  Speaker 1: agree with everything that your child does. You probably won't
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  Speaker 1: now for the rest of their life. They're a big person,
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  Speaker 1: they're a grown up, and even if their brain isn't
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  Speaker 1: quite where you'd like it to be, and even if
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  Speaker 1: the decisions aren't quite what you'd like them to be,
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  Speaker 1: our experience with our own adult children has been to
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  Speaker 1: drop the agenda and focus on connection. The great irony
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  Speaker 1: is that the more you connect, the more open your
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  Speaker 1: child will be to hearing how you feel about things
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  Speaker 1: and wanting to invite you into their world. Whereas the
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  Speaker 1: more that you tell them what to do, the more
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  Speaker 1: you are agenda driven, the more you feel like you
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  Speaker 1: need to guide them along their adult life, the more
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  Speaker 1: they start to resist you. Stay away from you, see
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  Speaker 1: sharing things with you.
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  Speaker 2: And the only reason you're so smart, you're so wise,
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  Speaker 2: is because you've had your own years and years of experience.
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  Speaker 2: You've actually made some really poor choices in your time,
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  Speaker 2: and you've learnt from them, and our kids need the
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  Speaker 2: same opportunity. Recently, I was talking with a young woman
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  Speaker 2: and she shared with me that her boyfriend's parents are constantly, like,
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  Speaker 2: every time they have a conversation, they're trying to tell
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  Speaker 2: them how to live their lives right, and she just
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  Speaker 2: she's so infuriated by it. And then she looked at
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  Speaker 2: me and she said, you know, I'm so grateful that
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  Speaker 2: even though I know my parents aren't happy with some
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  Speaker 2: of the decisions I make, that they have allowed me
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  Speaker 2: to make them. And you said it from the very beginning.
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  Speaker 2: Our kids, and especially our young adults, want autonomy more
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  Speaker 2: than anything.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Like, it's literally like air to them, Oxygen.
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  Speaker 1: Bon Jovi saying it, it's my life, Billy Joel saying
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  Speaker 1: it as well, I don't care what you say anymore.
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  Speaker 1: This is my life. Like this has been a repetitive
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  Speaker 1: theme of youth and young adulthood for decades, centuries, probably
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  Speaker 1: for Millennia. They want to be able to make their
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  Speaker 1: own choices and not have parental agendas. They just want
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  Speaker 1: parental engagement and relationship. So I would say connection is key.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that connection only deepens and strengthens when there
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  Speaker 2: is no agenda. When you are able to sit down
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  Speaker 2: with your child and just be happy to be with
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  Speaker 2: them in their space, find out how their day was,
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  Speaker 2: find out how the party went, enjoy being together. You
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  Speaker 2: have got more opportunity for influence in their life because
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  Speaker 2: they will come to you, right, They will come to
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  Speaker 2: you instead of you going to them.
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  Speaker 1: After the break. Two more quick ideas that can wrap
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  Speaker 1: this up, knock it on the head and make it
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  Speaker 1: easy for Lucy and anyone else is raising. And by
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  Speaker 1: the way, this is relevant not just for young adults.
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  Speaker 1: It's also relevant parents of teens and even younger kids.
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  Speaker 1: Two more solutions after the break, Okay, Kylie, Two more
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  Speaker 1: solutions to help Lucy. I need to highlight we're not
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  Speaker 1: suggesting that Lucy is being controlling about everything her daughter
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  Speaker 1: is doing. We're not suggesting that she's being forceful and
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  Speaker 1: creating resistance and being super controlling across the board.
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  Speaker 2: All of the things that she's suggested, are completely and
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  Speaker 2: utterly appropriate. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Reasonable. I mean, you're a parent, you care about your child,
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  Speaker 1: you want your child to do well. My last two
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  Speaker 1: ideas are really simple. Number one, if you do want
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  Speaker 1: to share something, if you want to provide some guidance,
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  Speaker 1: if you believe that you have some especially important inside
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  Speaker 1: that your child absolutely must receive right now. In spite
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  Speaker 1: of the fact that they are an adult, they do
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  Speaker 1: have a brain and they can figure this stuff out
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  Speaker 1: for themselves eventually, because your wisdom might just save them
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  Speaker 1: from making an unsafe, for an unhealthy or unwise decision.
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  Speaker 1: Get permission before you share the idea. I just say, hey,
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk about a tricky thing and I
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  Speaker 1: want to share a couple of ideas with you. Would
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  Speaker 1: you be okay with that?
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  Speaker 2: I love the question you ask our kids. You often
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  Speaker 2: will just say to them, are you open to me
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  Speaker 2: sharing with you some thoughts? And that question that opener, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: taps into their autonomy in such a powerful way.
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  Speaker 1: Well, they become open to it right when they say yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm open. What have you got? What are you thinking?
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  Speaker 1: Then you can step in really gently and say, well,
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  Speaker 1: as I think about this particular situation. Here's what I'm
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  Speaker 1: concerned about, and I had a thought about it, and
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  Speaker 1: you can share that thought they go. They might still
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  Speaker 1: dismiss it, but at least they're giving you a gentle
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  Speaker 1: open hearing as opposed to you need to.
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  Speaker 2: But the wonderful thing is you've created a space where
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  Speaker 2: they are open. So even though they may not in
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  Speaker 2: that moment except want or even take it on board,
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  Speaker 2: you've planted a seed and there will come a point where,
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  Speaker 2: if you are actually right, there will come a point
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  Speaker 2: where they'll be doing something and they'll be like, huh,
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  Speaker 2: I'm said blah blah blah blah blah. Maybe I don't
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  Speaker 2: want to do this, just photo and post it.
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  Speaker 1: This one might be a bit much and it might.
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  Speaker 2: Take years, it might take weeks. It doesn't matter. It's
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  Speaker 2: the fact that they're open to having that conversation and
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  Speaker 2: they recognize and know that while you've shared it with them,
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  Speaker 2: your love hasn't changed, your desire to connect hasn't changed,
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  Speaker 2: and you're always there, but you respect their autonomy.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm wrapping this up with some stats. According to
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  Speaker 1: the Harvard Business Review, around about seventy percent of employers
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  Speaker 1: do check the social media feeds of their prospective employees.
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  Speaker 2: This kind of blows my mind a little bit.
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  Speaker 1: It feels like it's just big brother is watching it. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: so we're not in that corporate world. We're not experiencing that.
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  Speaker 1: So it feels really foreign. But the reality is that's
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  Speaker 1: happening in Australia. It happens in the US, it happens
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  Speaker 1: in the UK. This is a thing. If I'm a recruiter,
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  Speaker 1: I want to make sure that the person I'm recruiting
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  Speaker 1: is a good cultural fit. And as part of my
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  Speaker 1: screening process, I'm going to check their social media to
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  Speaker 1: see who they are, what do they show about themselves,
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  Speaker 1: do they sit well culturally with what we're trying to
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  Speaker 1: create in our business. And so I'm not going to
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  Speaker 1: say that this is definitely going to be an impediment
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  Speaker 1: for Lucy's daughter. But when you can show up with
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  Speaker 1: a conversation like this and say, hey, why don't we
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  Speaker 1: just have a check, let's see if this is a
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  Speaker 1: real thing, Like maybe I'm being alarmist, maybe I'm being
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  Speaker 1: over the top, And then you jump onto HBr and
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  Speaker 1: realize that Harvard researchers have discovered that seventy percent of
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  Speaker 1: employers are checking potential employees via their Facebook, Instagram, TikTok whatever.
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  Speaker 2: They're just going to find a wholy bit bad hairdoo
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  Speaker 2: is from ten or fifteen years ago when it comes
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  Speaker 2: to maybe.
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  Speaker 1: But this adds a little bit of weight and credence.
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  Speaker 1: Is this is not a parent shouting at the cloud
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  Speaker 1: saying what are you doing the World's going to end.
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  Speaker 1: This is somebody with some credibility saying your mum and
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  Speaker 1: dad might be onto something here. Again, you're not looking
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  Speaker 1: for an instant commitment. You're not looking for instant change.
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  Speaker 1: You're not presenting this as the solution. You're trying to
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  Speaker 1: offer some perspective with consent while respecting autonomy. Do that
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  Speaker 1: and you're probably going to have a much better relationship
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  Speaker 1: with your child because you're making the relationship central rather
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  Speaker 1: than you being the parent who has to be right
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  Speaker 1: all the time.
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  Speaker 2: So take home messages from today. Autonomy is key. Force
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  Speaker 2: creates resistance and therefore hurts our relationships with our children.
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  Speaker 2: Connection is imperative, and lastly.
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  Speaker 1: Get consent before you share stuff. Just make sure that
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  Speaker 1: the kids are on board with you opening your mouth
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  Speaker 1: and telling them how to live their lives, because if
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  Speaker 1: they're not, you're going to rupture the relationship and potentially
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  Speaker 1: push them in exactly the opposite direction. I mean, our
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  Speaker 1: adult kids have said to us at times, the fact
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  Speaker 1: that you've just asked me to do that makes me
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  Speaker 1: not want to do it, and I'm like, oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: this is hard, Lucy. We really hope that's helpful. Thank
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  Speaker 1: you so much for asking your tricky question. You can
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  Speaker 1: send your tricky questions to us via Happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot au. We prefer the voice notes. I'm not
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  Speaker 1: gonna lie like the emails are great, but we really
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  Speaker 1: do prefer the voice notes. Just jump on a happy
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  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au, scroll down to where the
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  Speaker 1: podcasts section is and push the button and start talking.
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  Speaker 1: It's literally that simple, and we want your voice on
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: the pod. You can also email voice notes to podcasts
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  Speaker 1: that's podcasts with an SS at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
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  Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media, and if you'd like more information
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  Speaker 1: and more resources to make your family happier, visit us
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot A.
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  Speaker 2: You