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Looking at the Fabric of Family Personality Types with Sandra Etherington · Authentic Living

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Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
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things that really matter in our lives.
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And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
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Everyone.
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It's Roxanne Derhodge of the authentic connection, movements with, the podcast
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authentic living with Roxanne.
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So thank you again for tuning in, to, this episode.
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This week, I have a guest, a souther Saundra.
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It's, yeah, I wasn't gonna trip over that Saundra Etherington.
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And she works a lot with family personalities.
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So, Sandra, thanks so much for coming on today.
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Mhmm.
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Yeah.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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So, you know, at the time, Sandra and I got connected, you know, I was intrigued by what
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she does because I'm with my background in some of my specialties families or something that
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I've dealt with with a fair amount of, you know, experience in the field, that's looking
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at the whole system of a family, I think, is so so widely important, for individuals that
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people may know about families, but from our end and what we're gonna talk about.
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We're gonna talk about family personalities, which today because, a lot of people are in
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their homes, self isolating with family members, with spouses, trying to run
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businesses, try to keep the kids, homeschooled.
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That's a lot of moving balls.
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So a timely topic, even though we didn't realize this, I I would think about a couple of
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weeks ago when we books.
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So I'll tell you a little bit about her, her business aims to help families change their
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way, their parents through the use of personality type.
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With a background in mathematics, which, wow, I'm the opposite of that, Sandra, and big for
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big for accounting.
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She uses her talent for, I wouldn't say analytics and data, which is, you know, to
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kinda combine her training and passion for the Myers Briggs, which we'll talk a little bit
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more.
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I'm gonna assume a lot of people know about it, but some people may not know about it, which is
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a personality type to help families work through how to more effectively raise, their
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uniquely wired children.
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And sometimes our kids are polar opposite to us, and sometimes they're just like us.
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And, you know, what what that kind of creates to us to create the best visions of themselves
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that they can be.
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So let's let's talk a little bit about Okay.
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How do you pivot from mathematics, like helping?
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So family personalities.
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How did you tell me a little bit about your kind of path and what's brought you working in
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this arena.
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Yeah.
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I mean, I love, working with numbers and data and analyzing things on that level.
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And so it just kind of naturally, I really enjoyed being able to put a personality type
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model to the things that we observe in ourselves and in each other.
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So out of college, I went straight into big 4 accounting, and I did a a lot of systems and
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process work.
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And it was in that corporate environment is where I was first introduced to the Myers
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Briggs personality type model.
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And I fell in love with it just because it explained so many things about myself that I
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hardly even knew until it was brought to light by it.
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And I started using it in my personal life and in my relationships and in understanding my
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parents and understanding my significant other and understanding my friends and I found it so
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valuable.
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And when I started a family and became a stay at home parent, I began to look at my kids in a
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different light and started to wonder, do they have a Myers Briggs personality type.
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Yeah.
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When when when does that actually form?
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And when can I tell?
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And I started doing the research and was just blown away and fascinated by how early you can
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find out that stuff about your child and and how you can actually change the way that you
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parent based on their personality type and give them more of what they need and be more
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effective as a parent.
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And through making that discovery in my own family, I wanted to share it with others.
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And so I became trained in the Myers Briggs type indicator in the tick, which is the It's
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basically Myers Briggs for kids.
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It's the Meissner Murphy type indicator for children.
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And then I slowly built off of that, and and that's what I do now.
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Awesome.
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So let's let's back up a little bit and talk about systems, which, you're coming from an
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analytic kind of background then getting into analyzing personalities.
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I'm coming from a psychotherapeutic consulting minds where and I I say either way, Whether
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it's a family or a corporation, we're still talking about a system.
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So I I could see how the application is really, really, applicable.
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Like, I think of some of the teams that I, you know, one of my first teams that I ran.
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There was ten people, and I swear if there was 10 subsets of the Mars bricks, I think I had
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every one of them.
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And you
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know what?
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It's funny when I work with families.
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It's very it's pretty varied.
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It's rare to find it's I have never worked with a family where where this, 2 parents are the
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same type.
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I do find often where one kid is the same as one parent, but you'll also have, a lot of
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times in a family, a type that's so different from everyone else.
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And it's just like, where did that child come from?
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You know?
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And it's really fun to be able to draw attention to that and make everyone else
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realize, oh, this person's coming from a completely different perspective.
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This child needs something totally different from my other children or from what myself or
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my co parenting partner needed as a child.
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That can be just really powerful.
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Even just having that knowledge can be really powerful.
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And then understanding the things you can put into place, is just takes it to another level.
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So let's let's back up a little bit.
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And, obviously, you know, this, I think, a lot of parents that are at home with their kids
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that haven't figured out these things are probably gonna be going, wow.
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This is gonna be interesting.
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So tell us a little bit about the Myers Briggs.
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So I did mine years ago when I was in corporate and, you know, I'm an ENFJ, and you said you're
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an INFJ.
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Mhmm.
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Yeah.
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Tell us about the different categories because I think that's a good starting point for
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somebody that's never kind of done any kind of personality inventory before.
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Yeah.
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So the Myers Briggs is denoted by four letters as you just heard Roxanne is an enfj.
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I'm an INFJ.
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And the 4 letters come from the 4 preference pairs.
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So the first preference pair is introversion or extroversion.
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The second preference pair is sensing or intuition.
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The 3rd preference pair is thinking or feeling, which is t or f, and then the final preference
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pair is judging or perceiving, which is denoted by J or P.
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And the really the the thing that some people get mixed up in in Myers Briggs and why some
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people reject it right off the bat is they think, well, I'm not I'm not just an introvert
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or an extrovert.
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I don't just use thinking or feeling.
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I I do both.
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You know, I'm some people call themselves an ambivert.
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And in reality in reality, we're all ambivert.
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All of us can extrovert.
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All of us can introvert.
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We have to, to be human to interact with the world and to to reflect and go into ourselves
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as our necessary skills that we do every day.
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So the preference is the way that I like to describe them is sort of like being left handed
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or right handed.
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So which one are you Roxanne?
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I'm a right hander.
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Mhmm.
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So if I asked you to sign your name with your right hand, how would that feel?
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I wouldn't even have to think of it.
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Yeah.
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It'd just be natural.
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Right?
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So if I ask you to sign your name with your left hand, how would that feel?
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I would think how poorly is this gonna look after I'm done?
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Yeah.
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Same here.
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It would feel awkward.
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And and you'd have to concentrate more.
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And probably if you practiced enough, you could probably get it down, but it would take a
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while.
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Right?
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Yeah.
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My brother's ambidextrous, actually.
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So it was in it was interesting to watch him be and he would, play cricket, and he could he can
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both sides on a and and, you know, I would be like, you're a freak man.
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You know, you could never beat him because he could he could literally move from the right to
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the left.
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He was one of those rare people that just
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could, you know,
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and not very often do you come across that, but, interesting, nonetheless.
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So
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So for most of us, we have that strong preference one way or another.
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And that's kind of the the best way to think about the Myers Briggs preferences.
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We can all introvert, we can all extrovert, and we probably have worked on both really hard to
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where we can do them both somewhat well.
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But there is one that is just our natural preference.
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It feels more natural to me to be inside myself, to be self reflecting, to wait and
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watch before I participate but it doesn't mean that I can't extrovert.
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In fact, I love connecting with people.
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I I do it all the time.
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I do it through work and I've chosen that for my work, but I also need a lot of recharge
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time.
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So it's really you need to look at what which of the two exhaust you more, which one gives
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you energy.
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And then that's kind of how you decide which one is your friends.
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And it's the same for all the I I talk about introversion and extroversion a lot because
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it's the most accessible to people because they they at least have an inkling of understanding
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of what that is, but it's the same for all the different Myers Briggs pairs.
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It's which one do you prefer?
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Which one's more natural?
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Which one do you go to first.
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K.
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So tell me the other 3.
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So the first is introversion, extroversion.
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Mhmm.
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And feeling
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so the second one is intuition or sensing, which is n n for intuition or s for sensing.
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Okay.
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And
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that's kind of the way that you you prefer to take in information from the world and sift
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through information in your in your brain.
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And then the third one is thinking or feeling which is denoted by tier f.
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And that's the way that you make the the way that you prefer to make decisions in the world.
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Do you prefer to make decision with completely objective logic?
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Leaving feelings out of it, or do you prefer to take in either your own desires or values or
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other people's desires or values into consideration when making decisions.
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And then the final one is judging or perceiving your orientation to the world.
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So, like, judgers want control their outer world, perceivers are more comfortable taking
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the world as it comes.
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Okay.
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That's a not that's a nice way to look at it.
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So We know what we are.
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And I'm sure people are listening and going, okay.
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So, like, how do I know what I am?
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Like, you know, and, I mean, I don't, you know, if somebody wanted to do the test, I'm sure
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there's a link we could probably send them to to be able to do it.
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You know, we can talk about that, but, is there a ways right now that maybe people could do
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something really quick without actually having the full test to be able to kinda get a sense
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as, you know, they're making some decisions about how are they and how they relate to
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others?
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Yeah.
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So just a quick note about the the online assessments that you can find.
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You can find them anywhere you Search Myers Briggs assessment, you'll find a 1,000,000 of
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them.
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A lot of different websites have developed their own assessments.
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With any personality type model, I would say beware of the assessments.
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Like, they're kind of a fun starting point.
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And you can definitely Google Marsh Briggs assessment and, like, see, oh, what are my
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results?
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But don't but don't take that as 100% truth because there's so much intricacy to
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personality type that you you just cannot represent it in a forced choice assessment.
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Even the Myers Briggs company assessment, which has years years decades decades of research and
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work behind it, is only about 80% accurate.
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And it's like, I can't remember how many questions.
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It's over a 100 questions.
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It's a very in-depth assessment.
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Even that can't get to your type a 100%.
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So it's really important to understand the different dichotomies.
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The best way to do it if you don't wanna spend hours researching it yourself is to work with
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someone who is a Myers Briggs certified professional, like myself.
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And like I said, it's fun.
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You can do the the quiz check it out, see what you get, to just kind of get a starting point,
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but definitely don't take that with a grain or definitely do take that with a grain of salt.
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So let's think, okay, I'm on a NFJ.
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Right?
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Mhmm.
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So what personalities or what kind of combinations would it be difficult for me to
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deal with?
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So, with regards to your family, right?
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Let's let's go maybe with a spouse.
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Mhmm.
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The kind of biggest trip ups are gonna be Well, the times we're in make it more interesting.
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Right?
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Usually, I kinda I kind of ignore introversion extroversion, though that definitely can can be
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an issue.
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But I think that can be a much bigger issue with us all kind of stuck at home.
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Absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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If you're an extroverted for someone who prefers extroversion and you have a spouse who
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prefers introversion and the extrovert wants to connect, connect, connect, talk, talk,
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interact, interact, and stay busy, stay busy, stay busy, and the interviewer's like, woah.
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All my family is around me, and they're constantly trying to pull me out of myself, and
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I just want some quiet and peace and time alone.
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And can you hear the passion in my voice?
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Because that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.
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Oh my goodness.
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It's so difficult.
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So that can definitely cause a problem just having different needs, right, when you're an
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introverted expert, you have different needs for getting your energy.
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The one of the biggest difficulties can be the sensing or the intuition dichotomy because That
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is how you perceive the world.
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It's how you take in information.
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It's how you give instructions.
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It's how you like to receive instructions.
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And so in a family when you're trying to work together to accomplish things to parent your
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children, if one parent is trying to give directions to another parent, and they have a
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different preference for sensing or intuition, there can be a lot of frustration there because
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it's things are not being communicated the same way so that that leads to a lot of
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miscommunication, and frustration.
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So the difference between intuition and sensing is that one person is going into their
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intuitive gut and the sensing person is doing what?
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It's a little bit like that.
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It's, that people who prefer intuition prefer to look at things in, in a big picture
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perspective They like to connect meanings.
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They like to think of the theme.
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They make they just make connections.
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Whereas the person who prefers sensing, they like to look at the practical.
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They like to look at the details.
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They like to rely on facts.
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And so I use an example sometimes.
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Let's just say you're you know, you're overwhelmed.
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You're trying to do a work meeting in the evening, but your spouse needs to take care of,
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bath time and say that that's not your spouse's usual job.
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Right?
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And so you give them instructions.
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The, the intuitive parent might give instructions like they need a bath and and the
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sensing parent might might say, well, what exactly do I need to do?
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And then 2 to parent will get annoyed.
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What do you mean we need to do?
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Like, they they need a bath.
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They need to be clean.
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Like, that's that's what a bath does.
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That something parent will get frustrated and say, but I don't understand what exactly I need
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to do?
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What shampoo do I need to use?
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Do they need to be shampoo?
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Do they both go in at the same time?
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Does one child take a bath before the other?
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Do, do you need me to wash their whole body?
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You know, whatever.
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They're they're like, you're not telling me all the information.
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The 2 and a parent is annoyed.
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Like, you should just you should just Like,
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how can you not like, the intuitive part of me is saying, really?
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How do you not know that?
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But you're right.
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The other person is just more sequential and logical in in the steps and skills, and the
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intuitive person is just thinking, it's a bath.
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Well, how How difficult could that be?
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Right.
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And maybe the intuitive parent doesn't even care about the details.
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They're like, I just wanna make sure they're somewhat clean.
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I don't care.
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How it gets done.
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Right?
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Right.
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Right.
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So that and then let's reverse it.
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Let's say the sensing parent is trying to give instructions to the intuitive parent and
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they're saying, okay, they need to take a bath at a certain time.
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I want you to make sure that, you know, they you need to make sure that they have used a
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washcloth in all the right places.
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They you don't give it for too long because then they get out of hand and the bathroom
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starts messy.
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I want them to be done by a certain time.
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So and you need to make sure to brush out their hair and then put the after conditioner in.
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They have all these instructions and the intuitive parent who is prefers not to deal in
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practical, realities, especially at the end of a long day, and I I can relate to this as an
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intuitive parent.
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The last thing that we wanna do is deal with all those little practical details.
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Intuitive parent might be like, yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Got it.
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I got it.
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I got it.
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Throw the kids in the bath.
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Get them wet.
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I can't find the shampoo.
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You know what?
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Their hair looks fine.
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It's not that greasy.
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They'll be fine.
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And then throw them in bed.
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You know, their hair doesn't look that tangly.
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A big picture is they took a bath.
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They're not, like, gross anymore.
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Right.
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Right.
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And then the sensing parent's gonna be like, what the heck, man?
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I told you all these things that needed to happen.
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And you did not follow my list.
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Right.
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And then two different parents can say, but that stuff just wasn't important.
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They're they're they're pretty much clean.
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Right.
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Right.
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Have they had a bath?
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Is the only thing that's on my mind and the other piece of thing?
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Why didn't you do the things that I was asking?
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So you could that's such a simple thing, but it's so true because the like, from my end, I'm
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like, just get it done.
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And the other person, which is really their need is to to really kinda let you know exactly
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how they think internally.
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So that internal spaces just by, you and I, you're you're also an n.
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So you get it even though you're you're you get your energy internally.
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I get mine externally.
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So myself, I, myself, isolating, and I'm like, okay.
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What am I gonna do now?
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Who haven't I seen?
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Oh, and how am I gonna get my energy?
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Whereas other people are like, I love this.
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Like, I talked to a girlfriend.
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She's like, oh, this is really nice.
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I should have done this a long time ago.
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Kind of
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thing.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I I find myself a little bit jealous of the people who are stuck alone in their apartments.
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I'm like, that sounds really nice right now.
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It wouldn't have, like, my kids and my spouse all over me all day.
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But, I mean, you know, introverts need human contact too.
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Believe it or
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Right.
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Right.
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Maybe not as much as not as much as the extroverts, but they definitely do need that
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Yes.
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That human in, contact.
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Right.
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So what else comes up with, with parenting?
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Like, so we talk about the, you know, introversion, extroversion, like you said,
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intuition intuition or sensing what are the other 2 qualities and how might that play
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through with parents at home at this point with their kids and also with their spouses?
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Mhmm.
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Yeah.
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So with kids, it's kinda, I mean, it's it's the same thing.
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I mean, if you have a kid who we would, you know, we just use the bath time example with
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intuition sensing.
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It's the same thing.
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If you're asking your kid to do something and you prefer intuition and they prefer sensing or
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vice versa, there's gonna be some communication issues there.
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And so understanding how they need things communicated can be really helpful.
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And then another dichotomy that we haven't got into is the thinking versus feeling.
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And that can be that's, as I said before, it's how people prefer to make decisions.
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And, you know, feelers prefer to take into account, you know, other people's needs,
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desires, values, or their own needs, desires, and values.
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As, you know, a big part of their decision making whereas, thinkers prefer to leave all
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that out.
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That just jumbles everything up.
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They want to keep things completely objective.
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And so that can
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So one subjective one person's on a subjective lens and the other person's on objective lens,
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And somewhere in there, they're supposed to, like, communicate how, you know, their needs.
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Yeah.
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And we're trying to make decisions together as a family of how to do things.
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I can say with, you know, with my husband and I were trying to decide a lot of really difficult
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things right now.
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We're, you know, seeing small businesses close around us and there's some that we support on a
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regular basis and now we're not using the services and we have to decide Are we still
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gonna pay that every month even though we're not using the services?
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I I'm sure other people have come across this.
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I I attend a co working space normally.
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I'm obviously, I'm not using that right now, but that's a a beautiful thing that has just
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built up in the last few months here where I live.
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An incredible community space that I wanna support.
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Our preschool is, that my daughter normally goes to.
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It might if if they don't get any tuition, for the next few months, they might have to close
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their doors, you know, they pay rent, whatever.
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So do we still pay for preschool even though we're not going?
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Questions like these can be really difficult when, you know, one parent is maybe wanting to
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leave the feelings of others out and look at the financial bottom line only.
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Another parent is really, really swayed by the heartbreaking things that are going on and kind
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of wants to just I think we'll get through it and not think about the the financial bottom
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line as much.
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And so that can be a thing for people to sort through in
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a classroom.
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Absolutely.
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And I think everybody is going going through what you're discussing because we have to, you
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know, this is an unprecedented time for all families, where they're now having to decide,
22:16
you know, homeschooling, you know, how or, you know, when are the teachers gonna go online and
22:21
how what structure do I create?
22:24
And, you know, if one spouse has lost a job, now you're running on 1 you know, income and,
22:28
you know, we're getting supplemental things that are gonna come, but it's not been there.
22:32
So all those variables, and then you're like, you're trying to make a decision.
22:36
Should we keep this co space or not?
22:38
I should do.
22:39
You're saying, well, I I it's a nice space for me, and the other person's going, no.
22:42
No.
22:42
That's 5.50 a month.
22:43
And if this is gonna continue for a year, you know, practically that's that's, you know,
22:49
$3000 that we could probably using in y or z.
22:52
So I could see that that must be bringing up a lot of tensions Right.
22:56
For people amidst an uncertain time where we don't know how long it's gonna be.
23:01
Yeah.
23:01
And it's just exacerbated by the fact that there's just an incredible amount of stress on
23:05
us right now.
23:07
Absolutely.
23:08
So being able to navigate some of those and being able to explain to your partner the
23:12
different way that you're looking at it and understand the different way that they're
23:16
looking at it and maybe not take it so personally.
23:18
Can be really helpful.
23:20
I know with my my husband and I, we I prefer feeling.
23:23
He prefers thinking.
23:25
And, where we get into conflict a lot is is my tendency to take things personally.
23:32
And so, you know, he'll come at something and especially when we're stressed, we, a lot of
23:38
times, we'll go harder into our preference and we're less able to properly use the opposite
23:45
So, so when he's stressed out, he goes harder into his into his thinking preference and he
23:52
goes harder into, for him, it's, he's a TJ and TJs use their thinking different than TPs do,
24:02
and they use it in, they they very much want to they they call it effectiveness.
24:07
They very want much want to have outer control over their environment and they will do so in a
24:13
logical way.
24:14
And when they get really stressed, they push everything else aside.
24:18
I don't care about who's feeling what or what we need to get this done, and this is the most
24:23
logical way to do it.
24:24
And when my husband starts to get like that, I take it really personally.
24:28
Like, for example, you know, say we're we're a little financially tight and I've come home
24:33
with groceries for the week.
24:36
And I'm just unloading my groceries.
24:37
And if he comes in and he's in a mood, right, and he's feeling whatever type of way he is,
24:42
maybe we just got a big credit card statement or something.
24:45
Right?
24:45
And he comes in and his mind is on How do we fix this in the most efficient way?
24:53
Objective, logic, objective, objective, logic, objective logic, and he comes in and he Why'd
24:57
you buy that?
24:58
Why'd you buy that?
24:59
That's really exciting.
24:59
Right?
25:00
And then me, I'm thinking, hey, I just did all this grocery shopping for our family.
25:05
Like, I and I am making the decisions at the store and he's criticizing my decisions.
25:11
Like, he's thinking, oh, I that I don't take those things into account and I start to take
25:15
it really personally.
25:16
Being able to take a deep breath and go, okay.
25:20
My husband is not using feeling in his decisions.
25:23
He's only using objective logic.
25:25
He's obviously feeling stressed out about finances, And that's why he's looking at these
25:30
different things.
25:31
It has nothing to do with me.
25:32
Has absolutely nothing to do with me in the decisions I made and whether he trusts me or
25:36
not.
25:36
And being able to go through that process in my head, can make me take a deep breath and say,
25:40
hey, I need you to back up a minute.
25:43
You're You're at your extroverted thinking is hurting my extroactive feeling right now.
25:49
So can we talk about this in a different way?
25:51
You know, and so just being able to take those pauses and understand where each other is.
25:55
And and stress.
25:56
Like, I mean, for us to not discuss stress, would we remiss in this time?
26:00
Because, you know, most people are managing as best as they can.
26:04
Mhmm.
26:04
But stress is is through the roof.
26:06
People are panicked.
26:06
They're scared.
26:08
So of course, like we know when the logical part of our brain goes offline, then we become
26:12
more emotional, but then you get the elements of the personality subsets we're talking about
26:16
or variables or variance, and then you could kinda see the more stress people become.
26:22
They go to their position or pull you know, to kinda solidify their position.
26:27
And lord help us that anywhere in the middle is kinda far fetched at that point.
26:32
Mhmm.
26:32
Yeah.
26:32
When when we're stressed, it's easier for us to use our our going back to our metaphor.
26:37
It's easier for you to use your right hand.
26:39
When you're stressed and in a hurry than it is for you to use your opposite preference and go
26:44
with your left hand or whatever the case maybe.
26:47
So let's let's jump right into solution because I think that's does that make sense?
26:51
People want to know probably.
26:53
Yeah.
26:54
And you know what?
26:54
We We haven't gotten into kids either.
26:56
I forgot you asked about kids.
26:57
Yeah.
26:58
Let's talk a little bit about let's talk about kids, and then I wanna go to actual practical
27:02
things.
27:03
That people can do because I think, you know, and I'm fascinated, about the the assessment
27:09
you talked about with children and how early can you actually start doing these things and
27:15
how you could apply it?
27:17
Because then you kinda get a sense of your child and things like that.
27:20
So let's talk a little bit about that, and then we'll actually jump into some pragmatic things
27:24
that people can actually do with their spouses, with their children, and through this time.
27:29
Yeah.
27:29
Sure.
27:30
So, with kids, I you can start to see parts of their personality coming out as early as
27:37
babies.
27:37
You can't fully type your kid when they're a baby.
27:40
But you can definitely draw similarities between how babies are based on their type,
27:45
which I think is so fascinating.
27:48
For me, personally, I was able to type my kids by the time that they were 2.
27:53
Wow.
27:53
I don't do it that young with my clients.
27:57
Usually I say I want them to be around 3 to be starting to take a guess at the personality
28:02
type, and we just understand that we're we may not get all of the reference letters at that
28:08
point.
28:09
By the time they're 7, and they have a 2nd grade reading level or higher, they can
28:17
participate in the process themselves in, choosing for themselves what their preference
28:23
types are.
28:24
And so for children 7 over, I include them in the process.
28:29
And then, I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought.
28:33
What question was I answering?
28:35
So we're we're talking about, you know, you're talking about assessing them, whether it's what
28:40
time you just said a good stage because they're able to be at the grade 2 level.
28:44
Mhmm.
28:44
So when most people should be starting to think a you could kind of intuitively do it younger,
28:50
but more than likely, just knowing the personalities ahead of time until you can get
28:54
to a formal assessment could start around 7, you're saying, with with the right list.
28:59
Yeah.
28:59
And I I do I work with families, you know, with younger, with toddlers or or preschoolers also,
29:06
and we take we take our best guess.
29:08
And we can get pretty close a lot of the time.
29:10
So it's good to start looking at those behaviors as early, as toddlerhood because
29:15
you're gonna be able to tell a lot about what they need.
29:17
That early, you might just not be able to get their whole type.
29:20
Yeah.
29:20
No.
29:20
Because I could think of my son and, you know, he was the type that, you know, he was a he was
29:26
a rule guy Right?
29:27
Like, he went by the rules.
29:28
And That's my son too.
29:30
And I'm like, okay.
29:31
And then he would I would give him a time out.
29:33
So it'd be like, you know, 1 minute per year.
29:36
And, you know, and then he would, you know, after a while, he kinda knew the corner, right,
29:40
that he had to go in and he would say, uh-oh, I used that that loud voice, I need to go in the
29:46
corner.
29:47
Don't I, mommy?
29:47
And I would say, oh, yeah.
29:49
And then he would go in the corner and he would kinda know after a while because he understood
29:52
a minute per year, and then he would come back and negotiate.
29:56
My sons are gonna negotiate her too.
29:58
I wonder if they're the same type.
30:00
And then he but but except he was so young that he didn't know that he was actually giving
30:04
himself more time versus less time, which was the funny part.
30:08
But I could see that he was a thinker Mhmm.
30:11
Early, and then he was getting consequences versus other kids I would be around my friends
30:15
kids, and I'd be like, woah, there was no thought there.
30:18
Right?
30:18
Like, I mean, I'm just gonna do it and see if I get away with it or, you know, some
30:22
personalities that would test a little bit more than say what my son what I could see with him.
30:26
So you you're so right.
30:27
You could I could actually see it with him where he was displaying certain qualities or
30:31
traits quite quite early.
30:32
Yeah.
30:32
You can tell pretty early.
30:34
And with my children, they are very different personality types from one another.
30:38
And that makes it almost easier to pick out your child's height because you have something
30:42
to compare it to.
30:43
And sometimes you don't realize your child is a certain way until you've seen the opposite.
30:47
Right.
30:48
And then you'd say, oh, wow.
30:49
They That's what the difference between someone who uses thinking or someone who uses feeling
30:54
is.
30:56
So let's let's talk a little bit about Parents are listening and going, oh, yes, Sandra.
31:01
I'm stuck in this house.
31:02
I've got 3 kids or 4 children.
31:04
I'm so sorry.
31:06
I've got everyone at every stage.
31:08
I've got a teenager.
31:09
I've got a tween.
31:10
I've got a young one.
31:12
What What kind of guidance would you give?
31:15
So first of all, let's start with the spouses.
31:17
Like, I
31:17
say k.
31:18
I often say with the spouses, if you the more that you're united and you're understanding the
31:23
space that your spouse is coming from.
31:25
If you're understanding what person's like under stress, you're you're able to kind of,
31:28
you know, guide the ship.
31:30
And then you go to your kids, right, because so let's start there with couples that, you know,
31:35
are home together.
31:37
What kind of guidance?
31:38
Let's say oftentimes to your point, and I with couples, I know this is that oftentimes we pick
31:44
personalities that kind of compliment us.
31:46
So we're trying to kind of mitigate or balance out, you know, kind of, you know, what my our
31:51
least dominant trait is we try to find that in our partners.
31:54
So, generally, when there's conflict, guess what?
31:57
That's the
31:57
conflict area.
31:58
I'm gonna talk about the fact that you like to go out too much or you like to be so
32:02
microscopic or whatever.
32:04
So, obviously, I would say that most people at home are generally a bit different, and they
32:08
know their differences keep them connected.
32:11
But often when they're under stress, that's also what is divisive.
32:15
So what what kind of things could you give them from a, a personality perspective of to you you
32:20
alluded to some things already around communication.
32:22
What other things would you say that would be some good tips for couples?
32:26
Yeah.
32:27
Right now.
32:27
The first thing the first step is just understanding what the differences are.
32:31
So you have language to put to it and so that you can talk about it, think about it, analyze
32:37
it.
32:37
And so that's the first thing that I do with my clients is we get everyone's type and we
32:41
understand and then I am very detailed, help you understand what perspective each person is
32:47
coming from.
32:49
Second thing is you think of what are the repeat things that come up?
32:55
What are the patterns that are coming up between us?
32:58
Like, what is, like, for me, I was saying with the you know, my husband getting asking, you
33:04
know, what I perceived as critical questions about things that I'm doing and me taking it
33:08
personally.
33:08
That's something that comes up a lot in our marriage.
33:11
So looking at what are the things that happen over and over and over again?
33:14
And is there a pattern there?
33:17
And then what I do is I help families take those, apply them to personality type, and then
33:21
we come up with a plan, for how to move through those.
33:25
So What I would say is you you write down your, your conflict that comes up often.
33:36
How why is that conflict coming up?
33:40
Where what is the personality difference that is causing this conflict?
33:44
And then you stop in that moment and you communicate what's happening.
33:50
Okay.
33:51
I'm feeling really upset because of this, and I remember that my personally typed as your
33:55
personality typed does that, and it just kinda stops the conflict in its tracks.
33:59
Also doing kind of regular check ins so that it's not always maybe in a heated moment.
34:04
Some people can be some people can do that stop more easily.
34:08
And my husband and I both are are people who who can kind of stop and be thoughtful in the
34:12
moment.
34:13
Other people might be too into their anger.
34:15
Right?
34:15
And so having regular check ins, maybe weekly check ins.
34:18
Here's what's going well this week.
34:20
Here's what's not going well
34:21
this week.
34:21
Or even daily check ins at this point at some.
34:24
You know, based on what we're going through in this context, maybe potentially kinda touching
34:28
base at the end of the day to kinda make sure that the, you know, the ship is still afloat We
34:34
have all passengers on on board.
34:36
And a day feels so long right now.
34:39
Every day is like a week.
34:40
Right?
34:43
So check ins as maybe a bit more often right now.
34:46
What what else?
34:48
Do you wanna go to kids?
34:51
Yeah.
34:51
Sure.
34:52
Yeah.
34:52
So so checking in, and I I would say and I don't know if you would agree with this, but at
34:56
this time is What are the main themes coming up amidst this lack of control that we're
35:02
experiencing and the fear and panic?
35:04
Maybe that would be something would be a good opening spot because I'm sure to your point,
35:08
you're you're having to make financial decisions as everybody else's.
35:12
Mhmm.
35:13
What's the fear?
35:14
You know, what what what is the other parents are worried about, you know, how are they, you
35:19
know, how are they coping?
35:21
Ready to understand how you're pair how are you coping?
35:23
And what can I do to help you?
35:24
Yeah.
35:25
What what can you do?
35:26
That's I'm glad glad you brought that one up.
35:30
Being compassionate about the other person's I don't wanna say weakness as it's not the best
35:36
term to use in terms of Myers Briggs, but the other person's non preference So so say you
35:43
have an intuitive partner and a sensing partner, the in the sensing partner is much
35:48
more comfortable with dealing with the little day to day details than the intuitive partner
35:52
is.
35:52
So if you have that mix, the sensing partner being able to have a little bit of compassion
35:57
for the intuitive partner and say, what I can tell you're getting bogged down by all the
36:01
practical details that need to be taken care of.
36:04
What can I take off of your plate and put on to mine?
36:07
In my I I'll take an example from my husband and I.
36:11
We both prefer introversion.
36:15
I am the one with the kids all day while he is his job is much more, structured.
36:21
It's also the main paycheck that we we rely on.
36:24
It's really important to honor what he needs to keep his job.
36:30
And so I'm I'm mostly in charge of, you know, keeping the kids occupied.
36:35
They're on tablets right now while I do this.
36:38
You know, keeping them entertained and doing a little bit of education and learning with them.
36:42
And, I, as an introvert by within an hour of this, I'm exhausted.
36:52
And so I am not getting enough time to myself right now.
36:56
And that's been a big stressor on me.
36:58
And I know historically that that plays a big role in my mental health and well-being.
37:04
And so we have he we have sorted out, and my husband's not the type to come and say, what do
37:10
you need?
37:11
But but he responds very well when I say, here's what I need.
37:14
Right.
37:15
Right?
37:15
And so we I have said, here's what I need.
37:17
I need more time alone.
37:19
As soon as you come out for your lunch break, I'm gone.
37:22
So I might have lunch prepared before I might not.
37:25
He comes, I go out for a walk.
37:27
I go out for a bike ride.
37:28
If it's the weather's bad, I'm up in my room with the door closed.
37:32
No one's allowed in, and I have, classical music playing, and I'm reading a book.
37:37
Because that's the only time I can get is when he's on a break from work.
37:41
So understanding the part that you're parenting partner has a harder time with and being able
37:49
to take some of that load off of them can be really helpful.
37:53
Great tip.
37:54
Great, great tip because I think a lot of people are experiencing that, especially with
37:57
people with younger kids that are at home, right, whereas if they're older, they're like,
38:02
oh, boy, I'm suck in this house with you too, whereas the older kids are like, I'm bored now.
38:07
I've done my homework.
38:07
I've, you know, all those things.
38:09
So I think that's that's if, you know, if parents could just apply that tip, right, to
38:13
say, you know, this is what I need.
38:15
And if you're to your point, if your husband's not forthcoming, that you actually be able to
38:19
express your needs, especially at this, you know, kind of constricting time.
38:24
Right.
38:25
So let's move on to kids.
38:26
Okay.
38:28
What kind of tips do you have for for parents?
38:31
Whether let's start with we ones, kinda go you know, kinda in between and then maybe the
38:37
tweens to teenagers.
38:38
What kind of you know, so we're talking developed mental, but we're also talking kind
38:42
of personality types too.
38:44
Yeah.
38:45
So when they're younger, you know, we're taking guesses to the personality types based on
38:49
observed behaviors.
38:51
And, there's very different children have very different needs and you can discipline them in
38:56
very different ways based on their personality types.
39:00
I can tell you with will use I I always use my family as an example.
39:05
And someday, they're gonna they're gonna tell me to stop.
39:07
But until they tell me to stop, My so my children one has a a preference for thinking
39:13
and the other has a preference for feeling.
39:19
And, that means that they take criticism or discipline very differently from one another.
39:30
My son, he is a rule follower, like your son, However, he he needs to understand the purpose
39:38
of that rule in order to follow it.
39:41
And that has to do with his, his extroverted thinking a little bit to do with his intuition
39:48
as well.
39:48
Is that he needs to understand the why behind the rule.
39:51
But if you if I am able to logically take him from a to b, the I need you to, for example,
40:00
with his because he prefers thinking, he can sometimes come off, a little bit blunt he can
40:06
hurt his sister's feelings without meaning to.
40:10
For example, we have when she's coloring you know, he might say, she may say, do you like
40:15
this?
40:16
And he says, no.
40:18
That's bad.
40:19
You colored outside of the lines.
40:20
That's not a good drawing.
40:21
Right?
40:23
She's gonna take that personally.
40:24
But to him, he's like, well, why would I why would I lie to her?
40:28
Right?
40:28
I'd he he values objective logic.
40:31
And truth and honesty.
40:33
And but if I can explain if I and if I tell him, you're not allowed to say that to your
40:38
sister.
40:38
It hurts her feelings.
40:39
He's like, I don't I don't understand why does that hurt her feelings?
40:42
Like, why am I not allowed to say that?
40:44
It's true.
40:45
She's not coloring in the lines.
40:47
If I'm able to logically explain your sister really values her drawing and she wants you to
40:56
like it too.
40:57
And if you say that it's not good, it hurts her feelings because that drawing is so important
41:03
to her.
41:04
And sometimes I need to describe it three different ways before something clicks with
41:09
him, right, but I might start there.
41:11
And at some point along the way, he is capable of using logic and understanding that pea
41:16
things affect people because he knows things affect him.
41:19
He has seen things affect people.
41:21
He just needs it to described logically.
41:23
And if I can get to a logical explanation that satisfies him, then he says, okay.
41:28
I get it.
41:29
That's a new role.
41:30
He puts it into his systems and rules, and he says, I'm not allowed to tell Rickley that I
41:34
don't like her drawing because it hurts her feelings.
41:36
And he remembers the logic behind it and he follows the rule.
41:40
Nice.
41:42
With my daughter who prefers feeling and, in addition to that, she is, an FP, which the your
41:54
Your preference for judging or perceiving changes the way that you use your other
41:58
functions, and this is like a level deeper in Myers Briggs.
42:01
And so I don't wanna confuse people too much.
42:03
But the type of feeling that she uses is high.
42:07
It's like the most sensitive for going on, like, a a grade of, like, sensitive, most
42:12
sensitive, delete sensitive.
42:15
She takes things incredibly personally, and she people who use, feeling and perceiving.
42:23
So especially children, but also adults to a certain level, they take criticism or conflict
42:29
as a threat to their connection with that person, that person's love for them or or that
42:36
person liking them or accepting them.
42:39
So when we discipline her, say we just she's doing something over and over again, and we get
42:46
tired of it.
42:46
And we're just like, no.
42:48
You know, in the in the some of the anger starts to come out, that's she melts down right
42:52
away.
42:53
You know, my son would be like, what?
42:55
Why are you saying no, you know, whatever?
42:56
He doesn't care.
42:57
He it rolls off his shoulders.
42:58
My daughter is crushed by it.
43:02
And to her, there's a threat that our love is gonna go away for her.
43:08
And if you understand that deeper level, first of all, it's a little bit heartbreaking.
43:13
It can help you have a little bit more compassion and patience for the way that
43:17
they're reacting.
43:18
And we know that with our child, with any feeling child, and especially with a feeling
43:26
perceiver, that they need constant reminders that you love them.
43:30
So when you are giving discipline, they need physical touch.
43:34
They need eye contact.
43:36
They need.
43:36
I love you.
43:37
I appreciate.
43:39
When, say, the thing that annoying you, maybe she climbs all over me.
43:42
She's very physical.
43:44
I love snuggling with you and cuddling with you.
43:48
But when you are all over me like you're doing, it it makes my body feel bad.
43:55
And so I need you to stop.
43:57
But I love you.
43:57
Can we cuddle a different way?
43:59
Right?
43:59
And so the constant reminders of love during is very important to maintaining that connection
44:04
with your child.
44:06
So, though, that's really a great example.
44:08
Right?
44:08
Because, of course, you have one child that says, hey.
44:11
I got it.
44:12
No big deal.
44:12
And you have one that could go you don't like me anymore.
44:15
Right?
44:15
So same same behavior, and maybe the way you're dealing with the discipline, but the the
44:21
perception or or the interpretation of of the behavior is is is from such a different lens.
44:27
So adapting the so parents adapting to what is it that this child needs and how do they need
44:33
it?
44:33
Mhmm.
44:34
Because, also, you want them to get the same outcome from the behavior but there's lots of
44:38
different variables.
44:39
So starting to think about if they're younger, like you said, like with my son, he's, you
44:44
know, he's a real guy, but he's an introvert.
44:47
Right?
44:47
So I'm an extrovert.
44:48
I'm like, you know, what do you wanna do today?
44:50
He goes, well, not much.
44:52
I like to just sit around and let's, you know, let's read or we'll talk.
44:55
Once in a while.
44:56
And I'm like, oh, okay.
44:57
Because the actual repair is like, oh, let's go.
44:59
You know, so I think it's you're so right.
45:01
It's just understanding some of those nuances as young as you can.
45:06
And hopefully people aren't gonna be doing the first this for the first time that they're
45:09
stuck at home, but they have generally, most parents have a sense of what they're showing
45:13
like.
45:14
Right?
45:14
Like, I mean Sure.
45:15
Yeah.
45:15
Raising them.
45:16
So you're gonna get a sense of, oh, this is my rule breaker.
45:19
This is the one that needs the explanation in a different way.
45:22
This is a child that says, this is the line.
45:24
Don't step over it, and they never step over it, and they never ask why.
45:28
Right.
45:28
Yeah.
45:28
You've as a parent, you probably already picked up a lot of your child's uniqueness from other
45:33
kids and their needs.
45:35
And this gives understanding their personality type you some language to identify that and
45:41
also gives you the understand of understanding of why they are that way, which can really help
45:46
you put more practical plans into place.
45:49
For it.
45:49
So I know I've probably kept it over time, but one last thing that I'm gonna ask and and just
45:54
from the lens of stress, What are some of the final tips that you could give to parents at
45:59
this point?
46:01
As we kinda get, you know, as we stay home for God knows how long at this point, what kind of
46:06
order some little quick tips that you would give them as parents Yeah.
46:11
Kinda just get through this time.
46:13
Yeah.
46:13
I mean, my first reaction and this has nothing to do with personality type.
46:17
This is just across personality types is give yourself a break.
46:20
Right?
46:21
Like, don't expect too much of yourself, and be okay with leaning into your preferences too.
46:28
Right?
46:28
Like, I can be hard on myself that I need so much time alone, and I can be hard on myself
46:34
that I've put the kids on the tablet in order to get that time alone or in front of a movie
46:40
or that I'm, you know, they're all downstairs eating lunch together and I'm up by myself
46:44
during my husband's lunch break because I need that time and I can put that guilt on myself.
46:48
And they say, don't put the guilt on yourself.
46:51
Take what you need because you need to replenish yourself in order to be there for
46:56
your family.
46:58
And then just try to understand yourself on a deeper level.
47:02
Through personality type will help you understand more of your needs and be able to
47:05
put more of those things in place so that you have less stress that you can deal with the
47:09
things that are happening in a more healthy and effective manner.
47:13
And just do the best you can.
47:15
Do this time as much as possible.
47:17
Or don't even do the best you can.
47:18
Just do enough.
47:20
Exactly.
47:21
Well, Sandra, I think you and I could probably speak so much more about this.
47:25
I know this has been very valuable.
47:27
Thank you so much for your time.
47:28
So what is my my gain from this is to recognize that what is the internal space of the person
47:35
across from me?
47:36
And what is it that I don't know that they may be needing that I'm thinking I need this.
47:42
They must need this, but to check it out and say, this is what I'm thinking you need at this
47:46
time.
47:47
Is that really what you're thinking and to have those regular checkup check ins with your
47:51
children, have, you know, maybe, you know, have a family meeting once a week to talk about what
47:56
went well, what what didn't go so well and maybe what you would like different in the week
48:01
coming up and ask one per every person at the table, potentially what's one small thing that
48:06
they could do to get family closer to that goal, you know, just to get through, you know,
48:12
week by week month by month.
48:13
So, again, thanks so much again for your time.
48:16
And, we were where can people reach you if they wanted to go on further?
48:21
I'm so sorry.
48:21
I didn't ask you that.
48:22
Where can they get a hold of you if they're interested in doing the Myers Briggs or the,
48:26
also, the other assessments or to to coach with you, Sandra?
48:29
Yeah.
48:30
My so my website, the my company is called family personalities.
48:34
My website is www.familypersonalities.com.
48:39
I'm also about to launch a podcast and I assume it'll be out by the time this podcast errors.
48:45
The podcast is is going to be called family personalities.
48:48
And I'm gonna be just talking with my co host who is not a personality type expert.
48:52
About parenting and personality type, we're gonna make it kind of casual, easy for people
48:57
who don't know a lot about personality type to follow.
49:00
And just kind of we're gonna I'm I'm kind of a cheesy person.
49:03
So it's gonna be a little cheesy.
49:04
We're gonna have like some fun different games that we play.
49:08
And so check out the podcast.
49:10
And then you can follow me on instagram family personalities.
49:13
I post a lot of series, about children and personality type, parents and personality type,
49:19
and I post tips on there, or how to figure out your kid's personality type or your your own
49:25
personality type, and people love putting things in the comments.
49:30
It's it's a a nice little interactive place if you'd like to follow me there.
49:34
Awesome.
49:34
Well, again, thank you so much.
49:36
For your time, you know, stay stay healthy and, connected through this time and, you know, for
49:44
everybody listening, go out and try to connect and try to understand from that space, do the
49:50
best that you can with what you have, with what you have control over, right now, just, you
49:54
know, take the time to replenish, and that's the important thing because the more you're
49:58
able to replenish, you're able to come back to a space where you can, you know, deal with
50:02
whatever is in front of you.
50:04
So, again, this is Roxanne Derhodge of the authentic connection movement.
50:08
I'm a keynote speaker trainer and and coach.
50:10
If you're needing anything from me, you can reach me at Roxanne.
50:16
Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
50:21
healthy change.
50:23
Roxanne is a keynote speaker psychotherapist and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
50:29
rocksandurhaj.com/blueprint.
50:33
We'll see you next time.
50:35
On authentic living with Roxanne.