Latest / Dear Chelsea / Are You Coachable? with Kristen Bell

Transcript

Are You Coachable? with Kristen Bell · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everybody. Oh my god, it's it's me Chelsea and Catherine. Hello, Hi,
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: how are you? I'm really great, but not as good
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: as you. I can see a beautiful snowfall behind you.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: It's lovely there, I know it is pretty lovely. I'm coming.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: I'm coming to my audience from I would like to
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: say live, but that doesn't really make any sense. Live
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: to tape from Whistler, which is where I've hunkered down
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: for the winter. And yes, I'm so oh god, it
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: is just heaven and I'm not going to pretend it's not.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: I am skiing every single day, well not every single
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: day because Joe Quois with me, so we have to
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: take a couple of days off here and there for
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: his learning curve, you know what I mean. He had
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: an injury, a slight. He had a big wipe out
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: on one of the first couple of days, and I
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: was like, and he started filming it. I was like,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: put your camera away. The last thing I need is
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: for people to think that I dragged you up to
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Whistler and broke something on you. So just shut it down.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: You're gonna be fine in about twenty four hours, And
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: sure enough, he was, oh, my gosh, and he just
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: took a tumble. Is he okay? I mean it seems
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: like it's okay. Well, he does wipe out a lot
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: because he's learning. And he thought that he had been
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: skiing before, because he skied in I don't know, Vegas,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Mount Charleston or something. I told him that was probably
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: an indoor ski rank at the Circus Circus because no
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: one's ever heard of that. But he thought he could hang.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: And I guess he didn't really understand the extreme scare
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: that I am. Yeah. I mean looking at your socials,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: it's like it's very rocky. These are not bunny hills
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: like this. It's pretty intense. Yeah, it's pretty fun though.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I mean it's just so beautiful here, like it is
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: the views and the mountain is so big. It's just
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: my family was here for a week and then they left,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: and then so I and then my sister was here
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: lingering for a little bit, and then she left. And
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: now Joe and I are just like in domesticated bliss
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: in my little ski shelling. It's just heaven. And I
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: mean have some that I put in the time and
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: effort to become a really good skier that I had
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: the luxury to do that because it's so nice to
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: get out there and be able to like to be
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: capable at something. You know, I don't have a lot
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: of hobbies. Yeah, have you skied all your life? Or
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: is it sort of a newer thing for you. I've
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: skied since I was a little girl, but not seriously
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: like you know, the last seven eight years. I think
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: since I've been coming to Whistler, I've been pretty serious
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: about it. But I talked about this in my stand
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: up a lot, like I don't have a ton of bobbies.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: I don't like to cook or clean or you know,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I like to read, I like to smoke weed, and
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I like to ski, So I have to do all
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: three of those things. Really well, yeah, okay, really this?
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Are you like a speed reader or do you just
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: happen to read quickly because you would like tear through books? Well,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: if I have an assignment, I take it seriously. You
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: know how professional I am? Coft? Yes, I do, actually, yes,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I do so if I haven't reading assignment, if we
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: have a guest coming on the show, I mean, there's
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: nothing more annoying than being interviewed by someone who has
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: not been familiarized with your work. Yes, well, luckily today
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: our guest does not have a book out, so you
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: know we'll be all right. But I'm excited about our
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: guests today. I love us. So, speaking of skiing, one
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: of our listeners had a ski Well, a lot of
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: listeners have ski questions for you, but this is one
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: that I thought would be really fun to answer on
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: the air, She says. Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty eight
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: year old teacher living in Vermont and I learned to
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: ski two years ago. I took ski lessons with eight friends,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: four couples that are fellow New England transplants, and the
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: only single skier of the crew, which has never been
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: a problem until now, as life changes have caused some
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: to back out of season passes or opting out many weekends.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I love skiing, but I'm still learning, so I don't
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: love the idea of skiing alone. When I want to
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: challenge myself. When I want to ski, I definitely go.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: I don't change my plans when I'm the only one
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: going because solo runs are amazing. However, it's starting to
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: feel lonely. How would you suggest branching out or meeting
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: other people to ski with. Thanks for your help and
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: best of luck the ski season. Colleen, Well, I just
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: join a ski group. I mean, wherever you live, go
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: and join an adult single ski group. They have those everywhere.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Actually a friend of mine that's how she met her husband,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: like twenty years ago. But yeah, they have ski groups everywhere.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: So that's a great thing to do because then you're
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: never alone. And by the way, you shouldn't be skiing
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: alone if you want to challenge yourself, Like I don't
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: even go on the trees if I'm alone, because I
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: know better. Yeah. Well, maybe we'll find Colleen a group
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: and a husband or get Yeah, first comes the ski
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: group and then comes the husband. Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Well
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: that was easy. Yeah, it's a problem solved. Oh. Also,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: I want to mention to everyone that we are rescheduling
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: my Vancouver dates. Those were canceled along with Calgary because
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: of COVID, and we are rescheduling them and so stay
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: tuned for that because they will be rescheduled sooner than later.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: We're at March or April, so I will announce those
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: as soon as they become available. Also, we're adding a
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: second show at the Wiltern in Los Angeles and We've
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: added second shows in Portland's in Seattle. Portland, Oregon is
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: coming up the first weekend of February, so I'm doing Eugene, Oregon,
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: two shows in Portland, and then two shows in Seattle.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: And we added a show in Winnipeg, and we added
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: a show in Toronto. So yeah, check Chelsea Handler dot
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: com and yeah, we added a ton of second shows.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So that's really exciting and I'm looking forward to seeing everybody.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: It'll be a month since I've been on stage, so
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I cannot wait to get back on stage. Awesome. Okay,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: So our special guest today is an actress. She's a philanthropist,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: she's a producer. She is starring in the new Netflix
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: show The Woman in the House, which is a satirical thriller.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: She has a baby brand with Dax which is called
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Hello Bellow, and they just opened up their first facility
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: in the United States. Everybody, and they make with their
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: products with organic materials and they provide diapers to so
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: many people in need, to so many people who have
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: children and need help with diapers. And she just came
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: up with a new hand cream for her CBD line,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: which is called Happy Dance. They have a new hand
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: cream available and one percent of the proceeds from Happy
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Dance go to women who are coming out of prison
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: and helping them reacclimate into real life again. Hi, Kristen Bell.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: I love Kristen Bell. Don't we all love Kristen. I
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: love that review. As you know, I'm codependent and I
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: like when people like me, but also I adore you.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: So the fact that I have your stamp of approval,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: it just makes my heart sing. Well, both of our
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: hearts are swelling, and my Pikachu quite frankly, this is Katherine,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: my producer, Katherine, Meet Kristen. Hi. You guys probably haven't
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: met before, so this is a nice initiation. Kristen, I'm
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: so excited to talk to you because I love you.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: I just love the way you carry yourself, and you
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: know what, to me, you always come across as somebody
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: just who as their ship together. Do you think that's
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: a true accurate assessment of yourself. Not in the slightest, Chelsea,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Not in the slightest. I mean I think I try
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: what you're reading. I think is my desperation to have
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: my ship together. And also I'm like, not the world's
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: best actress, but I'm a decent one, so I appear
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: as such. But I will say, maybe what you're reading
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: is that I am very committed to not to become
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: a parenting book for a second, but like a growth mindset,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I am constantly striving for new information, better data. I'm
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: in a learning curve at all times. So I read
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: a lot, I talked to a lot of people, and
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: I feel like I just I don't want to stay
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: stagnant with any of my opinions or viewpoints. So perhaps
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: that makes it feel like I have my ship together.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, I guess maybe that's one
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: of the things I'm attracted to you about, because I too,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: am always looking to have my opinions changed. I don't
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: want to be stuck or set. Because I've been around
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: a lot of people who are so strong minded and
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: so strong willed that they're in transigent. Their opinions never move,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: and they think that they know the right way with
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: regard to parenting, or with regard to the industry, or
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: with how to handle tumultuous times and friendships or confrontations.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: And I always find that kind of mindset when you're
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: so stuck to be really limiting and actually not that intelligent,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: because anyone who's really smart knows that your opinions and
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: viewpoints change. Yeah, and I think it's also the least
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: attractive quality is to be stuck in your views, to
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: not have the ability to have an open mind, to me,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: is the least attractive quality someone could have. So let
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: me ask you a question, because you know, you guys
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: are always public. You and Dax are always public about
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: your ups and downs in your relationships, your honesty, your therapy,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: all of our bs right exactly, And I would imagine
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: being married to Dax is a fucking handful. I would
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: definitely think that that is a big That is a
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: big personality to juggle, especially when you have children. So
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: what are some of the things Why don't I ask
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: you this? What is? What do you think some of
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: your strengths are in your relationships, in your relationship specifically
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: with Dax, and then as a parent, what you've learned
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: about yourself and what has impressed you about yourself in
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: the parenting mode. Okay, well, with Dax specifically, one of
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: the reasons that we work and again, this is a
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: compatibility issue that I think is sort of a fundamental
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: part of each of our personalities, which is certainly after
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: the attraction level. Why we synked up and kept going
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: is he has well, he's addicted to everything, but one
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: of the things he stays addicted to is a growth mindset.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: He is constantly learning and morphing and adapting, and even
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: though he is a really strong personality, you can change
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: his mind. He is open to other points of view.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I am a very flexible person by nature, though slightly
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: strong willed. So we work really you well together and
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that we're both striving to learn more and going like, well,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: but what is the best decision for the group. And
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: it's sort of like utilitarian outlook on our family. And
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: usually he will throw the first ball and say, I
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: want to try this, whether it's I want to try
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: having dinner five nights a week together with the kids.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: See if that changes are dynamic, Like I'll go great,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: We'll try it. Then we get the data. If it
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: doesn't work, then I throw a ball. And so we
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: kind of do that in every area of our lives.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: And I will say, like, he's a huge personality and
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: he can be a lot, but like at home, he's
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: often not. He saves those shades for the outside world.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Like I'll tell you this, Like he has a temper
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: for sure, and it has never shown itself inside the
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: walls of this house ever, not to me, not to
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: the children. He is like very measured and patient when
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: there's any sort of dissent or argument. Now on the street,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: if someone j walks in front of his car, like,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: sh it's gonna hit the fan, you know what I mean,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Or like your if he sees something out in the
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: world where he sees someone getting bully or he feels
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: he's been slighted, he may have a temper, but it's
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: never at home. So he's quite a committed family man
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: under all of those sort of gruff hill billy layers.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: And I just like him a lot. I'm just gonna
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: add that I fucking like him as a parent. I
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: think the thing that has shocked me the most and
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: sort of made me grow the most is after all
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: of this information I took in from like the pediatricians
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: and other moms and and parenting books because I am
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: a person that likes advice. I love getting advice because
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: I have enough self esteem to go, oh, but I
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: don't have to take it like no one's watching me
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: apply it. I want to know how you made your
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: marriage work. I want to know how you did better auditions.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I want to know how you parented your kids and
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: got them to sleep better, like, and then I can
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: choose what to you us. So beyond all of that
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: taking in all the data, when I really try to,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: in like a Buddhist place, almost look at my kids
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: as like little autonomous human beings that are experiencing life
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: for the first time. It really screws my head on
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: straight when I have to deal with them, because like
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: the pace of life can make you treat them poorly,
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: and then you're laying in bed going like funk, I
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: shouldn't have yelled at them, or I shouldn't have rushed everyone.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I made one of them cry. But then you've got
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to realize, I'm a six year old. She's never been
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: six before, so first time she's ever been six years old.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: It's really hard to be six, you know. I think
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: that framework of like this is the first time they're
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: experiencing earth not only helps me deal with them, but
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: helps me cut myself a lot more slack because then
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: I put that framework on me. Right. So going back
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: to what you were saying, like, okay, you say you're
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: going to try something like having dinner five nights a
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: week and seeing where that leads to have you guys
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: done that stuff? Like how do how does that work
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: out in your family dynamic and how does it change
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: the family dynamic? We've put it on the books, chilse,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: but we've never gotten there. We've never what is your
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: natural habit? Like depending on who's working and whatever, whose
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: home has dinner with the kids? Is that how it works.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: What's weird is that neither of us actually have schedules
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: that often that take us away around dinner time. Even
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: we could start work at four in the morning, but
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: we're both usually home by six or seven. And he's
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: home so often now because he works out of the attict.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: But we attempt to connect in the evening. But it's
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: more of a free for all type circus here. It's
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: like you eat when you're hungry. We mostly just snacked
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: during dinner. Maybe you know three times a month we'll
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: sit down for dinner. But in my head people have said, oh,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: connecting it a family dinner, like that's when you hear
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: about their day and all these different things. It doesn't work.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: For us. And at some point, you know, when we
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: tried it and we got three days in and then
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: everybody wanted to get up and run around with the
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: dogs are outside. We were like, why stress ourselves out
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: to fit inside someone else's box or idea of what
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: will connect us. Let's go based on our own instincts.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: So the things that connect us as a family, I know,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: actually laying in bed with the kids at night, when
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: we're talking them in we do which I believe is
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: like a Jewish tradition talking about your rosebud and thorn
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: of the day. Do you know this one? Yeah, you're
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: high and low. Yeah, your best part about your day
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: is your rose. Your thorn is if you're little, it's
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: your bad part. If you're above six years old, it
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: should be what could you have improved upon your thorn?
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: Like where did you have bad behavior that you wouldn't
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: emulate the next day? And then your bud is what
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: you're looking forward to. And somehow that always leads to
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: much more in depth connection in our family. And the
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: second thing is we always tell our children the why.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: We always give them more of an explanation as opposed
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: to because I said so, Like, for instance, when they
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: were coming home from like preschool four years old, when
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: they were able to talk but didn't really want to
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: talk to us about a ton of things. You say
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: to your kid, how was your day, and they say
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: fine and walk away and act grab the girls. One
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: day and he goes, hey, I just want you to
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: know when I say how was your day, I'm not
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: necessarily looking for details. What I'm looking for is to
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: connect with you, because I haven't seen you for the
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: last nine hours and I want to just look at
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: your face and hear your voice and whatever details you
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: want to tell me, even if it's a make belief
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: story about your day. The reason I ask you how
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: was your day? Is because I really want to connect
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: and plug back into you. And they got it. They
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: were like, oh, so now I'm not under this pressure
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: to tell my parents about my day, which we all
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: know is annoying. But now I realize why my dad
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: is doing it, and now they do tell us about
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: their day. And where did he learn that in therapy?
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think he makes a lot of
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: this stuff up. Yeah, he's very very weirdly in touch
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: with himself. I mean not weirdly. It's a great quality
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: and a man you know, I mean you you've talked
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: about this how he's so alpha, but at the same
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: time he's so sensitive and man having that in quality.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm with someone now who's like that, and
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: it's really endearing. It just makes you realize, like, oh god,
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I wish all men could be a little bit softer
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: and a little bit more sensitive because it's so much
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: fucking hotter than the alternative. Oh my god, it's crazy
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: because he is all of the things. At a ten,
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: he's like the most he could be the most aggro
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: at a tend, but he's also the most sensitive at ten,
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: and he's the most patient a the ten. It's like,
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I just got a man who is a lot. And
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: the good thing is I like a lot. I'm a
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: big personality. I gravitate towards a lot. So that's why
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: it works. One of the other great tips he gave me.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: He gives me all these tips. He loves giving me advice.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: He but now sometimes in our in our pod, like
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: in our friend group now, because so many people do
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: a lot of advice, we have to ask each other,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: are you coachable? Because somebody's be like I'm not I'm
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: not coachable right now. Um. But one of the other
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: things he said around the time, like our kids were
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe one in three, he said. And
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: I think he was drawing upon his childhood here. He said,
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: you know, I feel like kids witnessed arguments a lot,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: and they very rarely ever witness the makeup portion the
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: conflict resolution. So he said, even when we come home,
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: if we ever have tension or an argument, because you know,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: they can feel it, they're they're way smarter than you
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: give them credit for. Even if we solve it once
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: we go to bed, let's make sure that the next
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: day we identify it and play the role of apology
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: or like, hey, you know what, Daddy, I was really
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: grumpy when I came home from work. I'm sorry I
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: snapped at you. He'll go, oh, that's okay, mommy, etcetera, etcetera.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Just so the kids can have an idea of conflict resolution,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: because something that I never realized is like, yeah, that
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: happens all the time. Kids see arguments everywhere, but making
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: up and resolution is usually done in private. So how
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: on earth are we supposed to give these kids the
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: conflict resolution skills if we never show it to them well.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: And also a lot of people make up in private
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: because it's sexually related, Like makeup is sex, whereas you
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: know that is a that's a very cyclical thing that
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: a lot of couples get into where they fight and
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: then their makeup is sex, and it's almost like you
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: set up the fight in order to have the makeup sex.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: So and that's completely dysfunctional too on its own, merit.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: That's why we always have sex in front of them.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: That's what I was going to suggest. I mean, that
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: just seems like the right thing to do, and it's
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: more family style. Anyway. What about your upbringing? I know
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: you've talked a little bit about it, but did you
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: feel do you feel like you took a lot from
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: what your parents modeled for you or what you learned
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: in your household because you had older siblings, right? I did.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: I had two older sisters, right, and so you were
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: the youngest of three. Yeah, So what's weird is like
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I want to have a great answer for you on this,
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: my memory is such that it doesn't exist, Like I
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: try to struggle with. I hear people saying, oh, when
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: I was six years old, I went on the spike
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: gride with my brother and we you know, caught a
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: snake or whatever their memory is about their childhood. I
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: literally don't have that, Like I struggle so often. Sometimes
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: when I look at pictures, I can remember details, but
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: I'm more of like a synthesizer, Like I remember feelings
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: about people, but I don't have specific memories. But I
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: do think what I digested from my dad was definitely
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: hard work and subtlety. But that's kind of a shocker
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: coming out of my mouth. But my dad is a
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: very hard worker. But when he comes home, he's sort
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: of just you feel like he's a wallflower, but he's not.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: He's very present, but he's like quiet and very sort
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: of official unless he's had chardonnay and then he gets giggly.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: But with the girls, he was always just sort of
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: like this stability. I guess that is what I mean,
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: like subtle stability. And he was very committed to his
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: job and he ran it like a family. He's a
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: news director. And from my mom, I think she's she's
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: very zany and she was always committed to paying it
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: forward and helping people. And I think I got this.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: I do think I synthesized this melting pot of those things,
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: because I would say the things I value the most
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: are like being good to people, helping and being a
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: hard worker and attempting to be as consistent and stable
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: as I can. And do you think that being a
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: hard worker the sire to be a hard worker? Because
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: I've been thinking about this a lot. You know how
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: how hard women especially want to show up, you know,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: especially in this industry on a set. You want to
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: be the one that's not going to complain, that's going
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: to be there the longest, going to be the best
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: team player. It's not very frequently that that behavior gets rewarded.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Don't you feel like women we do that. We have
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: that in our genes where we think we have to
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: overperform to earn our place at the table. And that
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: is from a long, long time. And I know a
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: lot of female actresses who feel the same way. They
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: feel like, oh, we've got to be the girl that's
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: not going to complain, that's gonna be there the latest
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: and be ready and willing to work the double or
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: come in earlier, you know, pick up the slack for
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: someone else. Yeah, it's interesting because I was with you
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: until you said, staying there late, and that's not something
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I roll with at all. I am like, look, at
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: the minute I get to work, I want to leave.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: And it's not because I don't like work. It's because
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: I am allergic to two things on this planet, penicillin
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: and inefficiency, and I just do not tolerate inefficiency. Well,
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: it is a one time I will get ridable. It
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: is the one time I will get frustrated with people. Sincerely,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think that my outlook is for me
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: to be working the hardest or being the best. I
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: think my job is to help other people around me
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: work their hardest and be their best. And sometimes that
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: means that I'm on morale, that I've memorized my lines
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: the night before, and rather than like pretending to sit
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: with the director and plan the shop, which he doesn't
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: need me to do, I'm going around to the grips
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: and asking them like how their family was last night,
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: and like are you gonna be able to make it
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: home for dinner? And getting people excited about living a
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: human life, because I find that people are not valuing
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: being people anymore, like some culture's value being the work
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: and others value existing. And I think we valued being
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: the work for so long, and I'm a little bit
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: over that phase. Like I do work hard and I
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: come prepared. That's not to say I don't come prepared,
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: but my goal is to help the people around me
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: work better and harder and more efficiently so that we
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: can all get back to being ourselves at the end
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: of the day and have a little bit of quality
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: of life. I like that, that's right. I mean, we
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: live in a society that's all about work, and it's like,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: I'm you know, I had that moment about ten years
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: ago where I'm like, I do not want to work
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: like this for the rest of my life. I just can't.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: I don't want to. I want to have a high
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: quality life. I want to be able to travel and
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: impact and inspire, you know, and have people live their
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: lives vicariously through me. And it's like, why can't we
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: all just live our lives vicariously through ourselves, you know,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: not everybody has the freedom of the independence, the lack
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: of children in my in my situation, let me ask
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: you about do you care what people think about you? Yeah?
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: Like too much? Really? Yeah? And I work on it
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: every single day. But I have a visceral stomach reaction
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: when I feel like someone is not pleased with me.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: And I think that that comes maybe from childhood fights
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: with my mom, probably of when I felt like I
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: was disappointing someone. It somehow in my childhood, which wasn't
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: particularly traumatic, became the worst feeling that I could have.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: So I did spend a lot of my life ignoring
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: my own instincts because that was an easier path than
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: thinking or feeling that someone was disappointed in me or
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: didn't like me, wasn't like approving of me. And it's
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: been like a struggle because I think weirdly the pandemic
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: has helped me with this because there were so many
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: closed doors and I had to you had to sort
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: of sit with yourself and you had to look at
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: the person in the mirror and go, what do you think?
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Because actually you're the only person that matters. Like, if
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: you feel that your actions are responsible on your side
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: of the street is clean, that really is all that
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: should matter. And I say that out loud to myself
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: all the time because I haven't fully digested it. But
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: I'm at tem Ding and Dax has all these amazing
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: things from a like you should you should only compare
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: yourself to the person you were yesterday, you know, when
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: you're feeling way less than like I didn't accomplish enough
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: for someone wasn't pleased with me. Well, it was I
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: better than I was yesterday. But looking at myself in
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: the mirror and really going are you happy with yourself?
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: For some reason has always been really difficult for me.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: And do you find yourself to have a generally happy disposition? Well, Chelsea,
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: it depends on if I'm taking my medication. Yeah, no, seriously,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I mean I've been on an antidepressant forever and nine
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: twenty and it was because well, first of all, my
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: mom had explained to me why she was on one
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: at a very young age. She was a nurse, so
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: she also like and she's a really cookie, so she
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: when she became a cardiologist nurse, she would bring home
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: open heart surgery like VHSS and we'd sit and eat
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: spaghetti and watch an open heart surgery. Or one time
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: she bribed the guy at the morgue and brought in
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: three human hearts to my tenth grade science class. Like,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: she's weird and I love it. But she told me
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: very early on, as she is very open medically was
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: She was like, hey, so I this is the reason
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I take this antidepressant because my serotonin levels aren't what
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: they should be. And if you ever start to feel
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: this way, and she gave me this list of symptoms,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: just know there's a variety of things you can do,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: Like we could exercise more, go to therapy. You could
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Maybe there's a medication
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: that's right for you. Maybe not, like it's not everybody
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: gets treated with the medication, certainly. And then when I
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: went to college on my second year of college, I
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: just started to feel the best way to describe it
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: as I felt really heavy and also simultaneously like I
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: was floating, like I didn't have anything grounding me, and
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: like I just was not myself, Like I was inside
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: this big dark fog and this cage and I couldn't
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: get out, and my reactions weren't within my control. I
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: was like irritable and stuff. And I talked to my
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: mom about it, and you know, my journey was trying
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: a bunch of things and then figuring out that maybe
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: this medication was right and it has been a godsend.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: And one thing my mom said that that helped me
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: forever reduced the stigma, and I'm practically gonna get a
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: tattooed on my body so that people can see it.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Is if you're ever feeling like you are less than
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: or ashamed to take a medication for your brain health,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: would you ask yourself this, Would you ever deny a
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: diabetic their insulin. Would you ever say no, no, no, no, no,
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: don't don't take that insulin. Just process your sugar better.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: You should be able to do that, like it's the
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: same thing, and that this is not This is not
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: to get into the argument at all that things are overprescribed,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: which they are. And then I needed this certain pill
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: to help me balance my serotonin and it has helped
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: me so much because there are sometimes when like I'll
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: go on a trip for five days and forget my
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: medication or something and I just feel like shit, I
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: just feel like I'm caged inside my body and I
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: can't control my reactions and things are happening to me
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: as opposed to I'm experuire oriensing them. Yeah. Yeah, I
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: think everybody needs to have the self confidence to understand
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: that it's up to you to decide what's best for you.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: Not to listen to other people decide diagnosing you, even
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: though actually we both consider ourselves to be medical professionals.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: I know that you do as well. I consider myself
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: to be a pharmacological into it. I think I just
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: know instinctively what people need and when they need it.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Although I mean I have to make the declaration that
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: we are not medical professionals. We don't have degrees, but
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: we both fancy ourselves to be excelling in the medical profession.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: What I like is that we're talking about it like
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: there's there's a couple different types of people. There's no
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: at alls. Then there's the people who don't talk about
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: it at all and everything is shameful, and then there's
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: the people like us, which I think our category is
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: like no, we talk about it and some things helps
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: some people. And I try to be because I for
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: some reason fell into the forefront of this issue of
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: talking about mental health and awareness. I try to be
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: really responsible in saying like I never say what medication
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: I'm on for a very specific reason, because I don't
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: want any young girl saying that's the one Kristen Bell takes.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: I want to take it, because that may not be
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: right for her body. There's a there's a bunch of
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: different ones for a reason. Also, sometimes it's just you
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: need more exercise. Like people we've gotten we used to
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: like build our huts and stuff, you know, and we
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: we don't get enough physical activity even just walking during
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: the day as these modernized, technologically dependent human beings. And
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: so sometimes if you're feeling down in the dumps, it's
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: that you just need to get up and move your
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: butt a little bit. And I'm not saying you need
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: to be a certain size, but like you need to
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: take a couple of ups around the block in the
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: morning and at night, and maybe that does the trick.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: Like endorphins are a real thing. And then there's also
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: just talking to someone like talk therapy. And I read
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: this amazing book. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score?
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: The way he talks about treating PTSD patients, particularly vets,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: and and mandating that they also participate in a in
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: a voluntary physical activity with a group as part of
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: their recovery. So he'll do talk therapy, but they have
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: to either join a drum circle, join a choir, join
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: a yoga class, join a you know, tai chi in
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: the park, whatever anything that's voluntarily interacting physically with another
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: human being no words, is like really regulating for the brain.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: That's one thing I've been really into these days is
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: just like kicking a ball with my kids when they're
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: frustrated they're having a tantrum. Sometimes I let's just go
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: play kickball and you can tell me all about it,
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: and then they'll calm down, like almost instantly. And sometimes
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: I have to trick them because they're in tantrum mode
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: and we're folding laundry together, whatever, and they're furious at me,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I'm the worst mom ever.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: And I'll just pass them a hangar and in the
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: midst of their tantrum, they'll pass it back, and then
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: I'll pass it to him again and they're still crying.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: And after passing this hangar back and forth, they have
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: somehow regulated because our bodies are communicating. Wow. I love that.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: It's so interesting and it feels like voodoo, and it
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: might be, but it works. It's like a spell. You
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: can cat on them. Great, great, I love it. I
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: love it. Kristen, Well, that's a great jumping off point, Katherine.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: Should we take some calls? Yes, let's definitely get to
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: some callers, but first let's take a quick ad break.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: So we're gonna give advice to people who call in
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: for our our expertise. Kristen, we always have guest doctors
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: on your our guest Doctor today. I love it, and
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know how you did this, but
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: so much of what you both just talked about we
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: are going to cover today. So this first question feels
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: a little silly at first, blush, but it really is
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: important to be able to talk to your partner about
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: sensitive issues. Our first question comes from a j. The
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: subject line is great sex, but terrible breath. Dear Chelsea,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: My husband and I have been together for eight years,
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: and our sex life just gets better and better the
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: longer we're together. We both love spontaneous sex and try
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: to do it as often as possible. But with that spontaneity,
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: there's a drawback. I'll go to make out with them
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: and his breath smells like catshit. It's really gross and
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: turns me off. I just have to hold my breath
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: until we change positions. I've tried addressing it with him
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: in the past, that he gets so sensitive about it.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: How do I address this with him without him getting
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: so upset. A Oh my god, that's so so annoying. Okay, wait,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: I had this issue once I was hooking up with
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: I had a boyfriend that lived in Spain, and we
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: would meet each other and in random countries in Europe.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: It was very high It sounds as high end as
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: it was. It was very high salutint international love story.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: It was exactly what I was excited about becoming an
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: adult for, so I could have different men in different ports. Anyway,
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: I this guy was really sexy and really hot, but
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: he had very strong morning breath. It wasn't at night
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: it wasn't so bad, but in the morning it was,
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: and it almost felt like it was coming from his stomach,
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: because a lot of people's breath isn't really about what
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: they've been eating. It's more what's going on with their gut. Right,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: So I kind of met up with him for as
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: long as I could, and then I just felt like
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: I would want someone to be honest with me. And
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: I know men can be very sensitive to these issues,
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: so I understand I want to take that into account,
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: but I want to share my story with you. I
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: did send him an email and I explained it to
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: him in a very gentle way. Oh. This was after
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: he sent me a book called Perfume, and I thought,
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: how ironic that this man is sending me a book
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: about sense when I can't stand the smell of him
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: in the morning. But I did tell him. I said, listen,
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: I just want to be really honest with you, because
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: I would want somebody to be honest with me. But
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: you know, you have really a really strong scent in
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: the morning, and I don't know if it's coming, if
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: you should test for Candida, or if you have something
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: internally going on, but you know it's unpleasant and it's
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: just a really strong odor. So I just want to
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: let you know that. And you know, he was a
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: little embarrassed at first, but then he did get it
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: looked into, and it turns out he did have Candida,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: so I am a doctor. But he was appreciative and
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: we're still friends and we talk. Hopefully he's not listening
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: to this podcat ask because he'll be embarrassed. But I
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: won't mention his name. There are so many Spanish lovers
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: I have, so it would be hard to narrow it
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: down anyway. But his sensitivity, like you can't ignore a
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: problem because someone sensitive, you just have to be as
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: compassionate as as you can be when telling him about
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: the fact that his breath is really strong. And I
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: also think strong is a good word to use instead
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: of bad. Yeah, And I also think so One time,
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: my old roommate Katie, took this class called Understanding Men
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: Celebrating Women, and it was like one of the things
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: she learned from it was like a self help class
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: to you know, get along. I mean, this is also
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: my friend Katie is so amazing because she also she
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: was having a lot of early sex and wasn't dating
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: long term, and she was like, I have to hang
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: out with a guy for twenty four hours before I
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: can have sex with him. And I was like, Katie,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: that kind of sounds like your old pattern. She was like, no,
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: twenty four hours. So if the first date is three hours,
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: then I market like, we've spent three hours together. And
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: I was like, that's kind of a baller way to
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: figure out how to get a little bit more long
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: term and not just you know, spread on the right.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: She had a little little chart, but in this class,
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: it was like one thing they taught the women right
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: away was like, you gotta know when to talk to
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: the guy because guys are like not always online to
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: talk about things with words and emotions there. They spend
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: most of the day offline, most of them, let's be honest,
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: and so like what I use this with Dex all
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: the time too, Like I'm sort of like predator to prey,
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: monitoring when I can talk to him about who which
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: family members will be coming in for Christmas, or when
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: I can set him down to ask him about, you know,
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: the kids joining in after school program that he'll have
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: to drive them to, like all these little things. I
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: think finding a time when you both are in a
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: really really good mood and then saying I have something
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: really vulnerable to say, and you start there. So you
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: start by unzipping your chest. And then I think the
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: wordage is really important, like you're saying, Chelsea, like the
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: word strong, saying I don't know that this is your problem,
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: but I do know that it's ours. I might just
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: have a really sensitive nose. Because here's the thing. Pheromones
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: are like a very real thing. Remember, Like they've like
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: got a bunch of guys sweaty in a bunch of
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: T shirts and had women smell them and some were
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: revolted by some and really turned on by others, Like,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: it might not be that his breath is so bad
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: so much that her nose is really sensitive to that
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: type of breath at that time. So you have to
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: you have to take responsibility for like, I'm really sensitive
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: to this. Is there anything we could do? Because I
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: am so attracted to you. I want to make the
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: most of my experience with you. If you come at
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: it from that angle, it might be easier to get
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: him to like keep some you know, dentine in his
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: pocket or whatever. Or if all else fails and you're
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: having spontaneous sex and you get a whiff of the breath,
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: turn it around, give him a button. Don't go in
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: bill frontal, you know what I mean. Just sit on
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: his face with your assholes what christens saying? Maybe breath
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: will get better. There's plenty of ways to have sex.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: I've Dax and I've only tried one and we only
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: ever will. But I've heard there's a lot of different
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: ways that sex. So if you feel like, oh, yeah, morning,
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: like you're saying, if you can isolate the time morning
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: is when it is, then just turn around and give
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: him your rump. Yeah, you could do that, but also,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: you know the tongue scrapers, these are all avenues like
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: some something. It's sometimes it's such a simple fix when
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: people have bad breath. And yeah, it's just about I
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: think everything she said about creating the right vibe for
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: the conversation knowing went to have the conversation, because that
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: is actually somebody who's evolved. When you know you have
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: to have a difficult conversation and you just don't do
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: it when you want to. You do it when it's
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: going to be right for the person you're approaching during sex.
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: Is not the moment, that's not the time. Yeah, I'm
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: a very sensitive I have a very sensitive nose too,
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: so I understand that because anything, if a smell is
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: too strong, it totally turns me off and I can
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: get really grossed out really easily. So I hear what
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: you're saying, but I would definitely say it's worth bringing
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: up and in all the ways that we just suggested.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: And there's no reason his breath should smell like cat
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: sh it. That doesn't sound right. So either it's a
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: diet thing, or it's a tongue scraping thing, or it's
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: just a hygienic thing. But I'm sure that you're gonna
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: find a solution together and also remind him just how
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: hot the sex it has been and how much you're
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: loving having sex with him. Now. I mean, that's really
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: the bottom line of what all men care about hearing,
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: you know, is how great they are in bed. So
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: underline that a couple of times you and I are
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: making a great doctor to like if I'm considering maybe
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: we should start a practice, because you're being practical and
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: you're like gastro intestinal doctor, tongue scraper, and I'm like
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: time of day emotional temperature taking, you know, I think
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: you suggest no, just from behind, not special. I'm actually
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: suggesting anal look. Whether it's a t M or whether
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: it's uh, I don't care what it is. But there's
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: plenty of but stuff that you can do. You and
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: you can even get into the V you know, round
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: the back through the button. There's a whole bunch of
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: stuff that you can do. But I'm saying, like you're
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: you're being so practical and I'm being emotional. This is
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: a really good practice we've we've put together here. I
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: hope we get more clients. I think we do we
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: keep us posted about what happens with your husband's breath? Okay,
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: let us know how you addressed it and what the
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: end result was when there is one? Thank you for
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: calling or writing? Actually, yeah, well, our next question comes
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: from Kristen. She lives in l A and she's an
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: actor and writer. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm in the
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: entertainment field and industry where there is increasing necessity to
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: be everything for yourself actor, director, manager, editor, producer, you
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: name it. You cannot just be one thing. I'm very capable,
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: and I know I'm talented, but God, being my own
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: pr person is exhausting and goes against so many of
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: my instincts. Do you have any advice on advocating for
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: yourself in your field, really any field, while maintaining a
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: sense of your own integrity and authenticity. Kristen, and she's
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: with us here on the phone as well. Okay, great,
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: let's see her. Hi Kristen, Oh, Hi, hi, Hi, Hi,
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: Nice to meet you. It nice to meet you too.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: You spell it with an ian, so do I? Yeah.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I think there's like a vital personality difference between Ian
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: and I am. That's how I feel about Chelsea's with
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: a y at the end. Okay, so Christen, tell us
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: what's going on. So you're feeling overwhelmed with I'm a
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: person that likes wearing a lot of hats because I
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: do enjoy control. But I think there's a certain element
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: of wanting to move yourself forward, but like hits the
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: point where you have to involve other people and you
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: have to like promote yourself. And I get that that's
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: the thing you have to do, but it's hard, I think,
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: to find the balance of like putting yourself out there
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: and like making connections, etcetera, etcetera, while still feeling like
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: a genuine human being. Right Weirdly, I would say I'm
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: a big fan of teams, Like I have hired a
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: bunch of my friends. We have like four or five
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: people that you know, have are part of the whole
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: Bell Shepherd Empire. Whatever it is we do over here,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: God only knows, but most of them have been long
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: term friends because I'm a person that likes to start
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: with trust, and I know that that can be tricky
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: for some people, like don't hire your friends, but for me,
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: I need to know can I call you from midnight
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: from a jail cell and will you bail me out? Like?
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: Is there like there is there an ultimate trust factor?
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: Will you watch my kids for twenty minutes if I
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: need to run somewhere? Like that kind of a thing
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: more than just a business relationship, but I do. I
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: will say, once I finally installed a team that did
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: different things like having a publicist and having this, I
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: actually felt it was easier to be an authentic person
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: because then I wasn't responsible for all of it. But
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: it was incredibly hard for me to delegate in the beginning.
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: So I would say, make sure you're looking in the
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: mirror and asking yourself, is this my hesitancy to delegate?
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: Because I do like the control, because I identify with
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: what you said in a major way. I wanted to
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: be able to control it, and I like to micromanage,
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: and I like to know every little piece of the puzzle.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: But the moment I found a trustworthy person that I
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: handed that off to, like you're going to be the
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: one to tell everyone that I'm awesome, I don't want
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: to say it to anybody. I just want to walk
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: in the room and be awesome. I don't want to
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: have to tell everybody. You notice I was awesome. Right.
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: Once you pass that off to someone, it's shockingly gets
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: easier and it's hard like the first month, but then
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: you breathe a lot easier. Um, knowing that you can
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: rely on members of your team to do a specific task,
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: like one it's the publicist, or one is responsible for
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: editing your stuff or whatever it is. Okay, yeah, Christian,
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: are you in a position where you can do that,
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: where you have people that can help you or um?
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: But not quite. I mean I have like friends that
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: have some of those skills, and I'm not quite at
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: a point where I, like, I can't hire anybody, right
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: Because what I was gonna say, it's the kind of
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: calm flickt of having to be self promotional all the
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: time and also feeling disingenuous about it sometimes, you know
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: where it feels like you're selling yourself or self you know,
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: promoting yourself so much. It is just a nature of
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: this business that you kind of have to just get
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: on board with. So, you know, the more you resist anything,
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: it becomes a bigger and bigger hill to climb over
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: instead of just accepting that this is part of the business,
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: especially in these days, you know, it's a multimedia, multi
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: platform promotional thing, like you have to kind of get
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: on board with that because there are people that are
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: willing to do that, and they're going to be doing
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: it harder and better and stronger. So it is just
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: one of those things that comes with the nature of
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: being in this industry. You know, you kind of have
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: to wear a lot of hats a lot of the
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: time until you're in a position where you can delegate
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: to more and more people. But the way to get
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: to that position is by really just you know, putting
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: your best foot forward and having Sometimes when you have
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: a bad attitude about something, you know what I mean,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: it creates such a barrier between you and the very
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: thing that you have to do. That's how I felt
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: about Instagram in the beginning. I was like, I can't
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: possibly be doing this, you know what I mean, posting
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: pictures like personal? How much more personal could I get?
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: There was no secrets to be in with so, you know,
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: But then I just now I love it because I
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: have fun with it and I have embraced it in
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: a way where I just understand that it's part of
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: the business, and yes, it's a younger, newer part of
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: the business. But there's no point in me not jumping
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: on board and just having the right attitude about it.
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: So I think all of those little things that are
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: kind of seemed so cumbersome or seem overwhelming, if you
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: could really just work your way around it and to
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: really just look, even if it's with like affirmations in
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: the morning, or if it's with you telling yourself like,
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: this is part of the process, and it's it's a
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: way to get to the next stage, so that you
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: do have an opportunity to be in a position like
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: Kristen or me where you have people taking care of
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: all the things that you don't necessarily want to be
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: using all of your main time to focus on. And also,
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: i'd say, first of all, the fact that you are
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: either and hesitant about or you have reservations about feeling inauthentic,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: it speaks to the fact that you're probably a very
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: good hang, you know what I mean. Like people that
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: like love being self promotional and have no qualms about it,
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: those are bad hangs, you know. But you you seem
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: like a very awesome person, and just don't forget to
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: frame what you're doing all of it, whether it's auditioning
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: or directing or editing or whatever it is a writing
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: don't forget to frame it with the love and confidence
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: that you started out with, Like you don't have to
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: think of it like a business at all times. And
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: that's oddly what reads to people, like that effervescence of like, oh, yeah,
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: you're doing it because you love it. So if you
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: go to a party and somebody's talking about let's say
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: you wrote and start in a web series, someone's talking
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: about their's, you bring yours up, not because you're trying
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: to be self promotional, but because you have skin in
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: this game, because you loved what you created and you
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: want to share it with people, and you're proud of it,
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: and it was passionate for you. And I will say,
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: share ring on that level with that framework, to me
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: always reads differently, Like I can tell when someone's sharing
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: something because they love it and they're passionate about it,
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: even if they're sort of using the same words as
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: someone who's trying to be self promotional, like if you
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: really love it, which you seem like you do because
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: you're you're thinking, you're very thoughtful about it, Like remember
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: how passionate and confident you are to have gotten to
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: even this stage where you're you're hustling to do it,
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: and leading with that kind of framework might make it
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: feel a little bit more fun, like what Chelsea was saying,
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: going from Instagram feeling like a headache to like, oh no,
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: I have fun with it well, and something that a
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: friend of mine did, this might be helpful to sort
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: of distance herself from um, the fact that you have
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: to say this stuff about yourself. A friend of mine
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: when he was building his business, and this was just
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: like a regular a regular business, not entertainment industry thing,
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: but he set himself up a Gmail. It was like
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: a made up person, Shannon Jones at gmail dot com,
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: and he would get either himself he would write emails,
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: or he would get like an online assistant, like someone
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: who's very low cost through Elans or another one of
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: those online companies, and he would just have that same email.
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: Someone could send stuff through that same email, so if
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: you had to switch assistance, they could still be sending
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: from that same email address. And it helped him to
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: sort of like put himself out there in a way
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: that was not him touting his own wares, but like
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: seemed like he had a team when he couldn't afford
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: to have a team, so maybe that can help give
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: you a little distance from that. Well wow, that was great.
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like you've got some good advice today, Kristen, Yes,
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: I do. Thank you. Oh good, well good, Yeah, I
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: think you're going to be just fine. Okay, great, I'll
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: report back, yeah, report back to us. Okay, you can
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: take a little bit of what we all said. We
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: all gave you good stuff. So yeah, thank you. All right,
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: nice to meet you. Thanks Kristen. Girls helping girls doesn't
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: Isn't that just heartwarming? I know it's if I had
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: come into the business now and had to hustle in
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: this environment. I don't know, it's too many, so many
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: balls in the air, but you just have to take
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: one ball at a time and just be like, Okay,
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this, this and this, because otherwise everything
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: is overwhelming. And staying in your lane. That's another thing. God,
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: I hate giving him so much credit, but that Dax
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: taught me is like, you know, ten years ago, when
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: I would just be like, man, Michelle Williams got it again,
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: I'm never gonna get that part. He he just looks
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: at me and he goes stay in your lane, Like
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: stop trying to be this like indie actress just because
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: you think that that's cool at the moment. Like you
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: have a weird quirky vibe. Be in movies that have
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: a weird quirky vibe. If they're commercial, they're commercial. If
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: they win, they win. If they don't, they don't. But
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: like I think that applies a lot to now when
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: it's like, you know, right when you master Instagram, all
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: of a sudden, TikTok comes out. What the funk is TikTok?
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know how to do that.
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: So it's like you have to do you have to
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: be good with writing because you have to be on
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: Twitter and promoting yourself and they have to do Instagram,
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: and then you have to also audition, and like she's saying,
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: you have to be able to write your own stuff,
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: and it's just like too many hats. So pick two
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: that you love or three that you love and just
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: stay in those lanes. Yeah, that's good advice for anybody
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: who's comparing themselves to other people anyway, because that's such
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: a feudal game and it comes up all the time
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: on this podcast, and it's you know and and in
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: this industry, and it's hard not to compare yourself to
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: other people. But like, as long as you are you're
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: you're missing your mark. You know, as long as you're
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: looking around, you are missing where you're standing. And the
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: only person that you should ever compare yourself to is
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: the person you were yesterday is dax Is dad. While
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: our next question comes from Abigail, she says, Dear Chelsea,
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: about two years ago, my sister told me I needed
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: to read Chelsea's book Life Will Be the Death of Me,
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: because Chelsea reminded her a little bit too much of me.
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: I'm a black and white thinker, stubborn, I think I'm
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: right all the time, and I hate being coddled. As
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: you can imagine, this makes it incredibly difficult to find
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: a therapist or psychiatrist, but I need one. But the
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: idea of sitting in the room after paying to tell
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: someone about my trauma for an hour to see if
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: we're a good fit really just sounds like the most
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: exhausting version of a first date. I'm curious how you
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: found your therapist, Dan, and how you knew he was
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: the one for you. What did you look for in
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: a psychiatrist, and do you have any tips to weed
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: out the pool of candidates? Abigail, Well, we can both
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: speak to this because we both are very therapy pro therapy.
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: I'll go first because I think it's important. I met
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: my guy because I was interviewing him on my old
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: talk show on Netflix. So that's not how you're going
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: to meet yours unless you have a talk show on
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: Netflix and you can interview psychiatrists. But the more important
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: reason was because I knew, like you, that I needed
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: to make a change and that my anger was getting
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: too unmanageable and that I needed some help to articulate
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: what was really underneath that anger, which is for everybody
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: is different, but it's usually an injury or deeper something
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: that you haven't been able to look at or accurately articulate.
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: In my case, it was something that but to me
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: when I was very young. But you know, you can't
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: look at therapy and go I don't want to deal
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: with that, because that is what therapy is, not wanting
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: to deal with things. So you know, I didn't take
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: a lot of joy and going to my therapist office
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: week after week when I knew i'd break down and
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: be vulnerable in front of a man, which was my
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: number one issue. Not being vulnerable in front of men
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: was like my way to protect myself against any hurt
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: or any disappointment from any mail. But it's a process,
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: just like it is to go out and date. Like, yeah,
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: nobody wants to go on a bunch of eight first dates,
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: but it's necessary if you're really serious about finding somebody
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: that's combatible to you. And that applies to therapists too,
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: so you kind of you know, the first step is
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: always the hardest step, and then once you take the
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: first step, there's a domino effect that happens just by
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: you putting the energy towards healing yourself and trying to
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: find the person. It comes to you more easily when
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: you are open and willing instead of shutting down and
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: resisting it. So as long as you make you know,
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: go to a therapist, find somebody, get a reference from
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: a friend or referral from a friend, or go to
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: better help online, go you know what, however casual or
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: serious you want to make your encounter, but that will
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: give you a direction of what's going to work for you.
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: And if you go and you meet with somebody and
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: it doesn't work, then that's no reason for you to
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: give up. That's more of an impetus for you to
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: go to the next person and try it out again.
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: You don't have to tell people your life story to
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: find out if it's a fit. That's not what a
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: first therapy session it really is. Anyway, I agree, and
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: I will even jump off of one thing you need
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: to do before all that. You need to sit down,
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: open your calendar and decide how many hours a week
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: are you willing to put into you And maybe that's
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: one hour a week, maybe that's six, But what how
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: badly do you want personal growth? And how many hours
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: a week are you willing to devote to that? Maybe
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: it's four That seems barely reasonable. If you're like, I
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: really want personal growth, I'm gonna give this four hours
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: a week. Well, maybe one hour is making a list
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: of texting and friends. Do you guys go to a therapist?
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: Do you like him? If so, why or looking up
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: someone online? Are going to better help? And then the
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: other three are scheduled appointments. So don't go in thinking
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: that this is gonna be your soul mate like because
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: not all therapists are the same everybody's got a different style.
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: I knew I was in love with my therapist when
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: the first time I went in. Can you hear my
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: husband clearing his throat in the background? Um, I really
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: so loud. I went into my therapist, Harry, and and
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: I started talking and he said, just let me. Let
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: me tell you one thing. I am so happy to
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: take your hundred dollars this hour, and you can talk
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: for as long as you want. When you would like
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: a solution, you just let me know. And I would
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: No one had ever spoken to me like that in
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: my life. And I was like what. It was so
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: practical and it was so attractive, and he was like, yeah,
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: there will be an end to you complaining and there
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: will be a solution when you start the work. And
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: everything works like that. If you want to get a
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: really rock and core and you want to be super strong,
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: you don't do one sit up, You go back to
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: the gym all the time, or you do whatever activities
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: you need to do. So you got to decide how
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: much effort you willing to pour into yourself and once
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: you once you acknowledge that, then give those hours into
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: the trial and error that will be necessary to find
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: the person that will help you with the most personal growth,
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: and that adjustment period is much quicker than we all think.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: We always think it's such a hurdle, and it's not.
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: It is so easy to rehabituate your habits and to
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden get addicted to personal growth because
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: once you get in with somebody that is giving you
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: information that you're able to digest and apply to your life,
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: it becomes addictive. And then you realize, oh, wow, I
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: can change and I could become this better version of myself,
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: and I can apply all of these things in real time,
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: and that in and of itself becomes something so worthwhile.
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, nobody's ever gone to therapy and been like, wow,
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: that was a mistake, you know. I mean, there are
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: some shitty therapists, but therapy overall as an idea is
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: always going to benefit you. It's just like meditation. No
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: one's like, fun, I can't believe I meditated this morning.
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: That ruined my day. And also remember, even if you
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: go to one that give you advice you don't think
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: is fitting for you, that's fine. Then you still have
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: checked something off the list. I found the type of
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: advice I don't like I found the type of advice
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: I don't need right now that's not going to work
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: for me. Either I'm not there yet to apply it
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: or genuinely isn't something I need to work on. And
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: this person sort of misread the situation or I didn't
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: explain it accurately, whatever it is, but be open. I mean,
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: I will say, like I love getting advice from people.
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: I love how knowing how people accomplished little things, whether
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: it's cooking or raising kids or relationship or whatever. You
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: can take all of it in. You don't have to
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: use any of it, but it Once you know what
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: works for you, that's when you're starting your ascension. Yeah.
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: And I would even say it to this point of
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: like shitty therapist like you said, Chelsea, or somebody who's
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: just not a right fit for you is don't do
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: what I did many years ago when I got someone
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: who was legitimately a lemon, like she did not know
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: anything about me. From week to weeks, she would be like, Oh,
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: how's your boyfriend Greg? And I'd be like my husband, Brad,
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: that ship. Yeah. I saw her just enough times for
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: her to uncover a lot of like deep hurt that
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: I had specifically on my father. And you know, I
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: previously it had a good relationship with my father, and
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: after that, like I quit going to her after having
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: that stuff uncovered and being like she doesn't know who
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: I am. Whatever, this is fine, I'm gonna not go anymore.
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: So I quit and I didn't immediately find another therapist,
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: and I went through a year of just like being
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: really angry at my dad because I had all this
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: like stuff that had gotten uncovered but then hadn't gotten
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: dealt with. So don't do what I did. And if
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: you get a lemon or somebody who's just not a
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: good fit, go find somebody else. But you see the
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: value in that as well. Though, now you you can
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: you can frame any situation, even if it's negative, with
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: value of like, oh I walked out of that relationship,
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: that relationship with that therapist who was a lemon was
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: a value to you, because now you don't want sort
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: of twisted into a positive not to be too sunshine
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: and rainbows about it, but you really can't twist it
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: into a positive of going, well, now I know what
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: I don't want, and that's more information I have, Yeah,
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: more information and a wait for you to set the
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: standard for the next time that you go okay, so well,
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: I think that this was all great. First of all,
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: christ and I knew you'd be good to giving advice
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: because you you are. And I was right because my
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: instincts are good and we're gonna close this out. But
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you one thing, Kristen that I'm
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: curious about, because I know you have a lot of
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: a lot of close friendships. You guys have a big
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: friend group, both you and Dex together. How do you
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: handle conflict with with your friendships. You're not gonna like
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: this answer. It's not buried under the rug. We edited.
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of editing. The pandemic allowed us
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: to create a social experiment that we never would have done,
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: which is, you know those hundred people that are in
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: your phone that you're always like, hey, next month, let's
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: grab a cup of Joe and you don't, or you
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: do and it's miserable but you feel like you should
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: or whatever. We picked. There's ten adults, ten kids in
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: our pod. We're always close with these people, but it
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: was never like this group of people shut off the
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: rest of the world. But during the pandemic, we realized
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: there's such a comfort level here that everyone is not
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: on the same page. But but the compatibility level is there.
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: Nobody wants conflict to be in this group, and there's
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: everybody kind of has a role and the dynamics are
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: acceptable to everyone. That we just edited everybody else out,
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: like we don't really hang out with a ton of
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: new people at all. We continually received new information and
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: because we're always you know, reading books, are talking about things.
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: But the reality is I don't experience much conflict with
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: my friends because I don't tolerate negativity that when I
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: get that bad feeling in my stomach, I steer clear
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: of it. Well, that's good advice, and that's a good
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: way for us to end this podcast today, because I
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: think that's a very important thing that people who really
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: are interested in getting themselves healthy do eventually reject negative
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: vibes and negative people around them, and that's a good
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: lesson for everybody to have or learn. Chelsea, I think
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: we have to take a quick break before we wrap
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: up with Kristen. Chelsea, I just want to ask you
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: before we go, do you you seem like a fairly
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: tell me if I'm reading this wrong, not codependent person.
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: Do you have any advice for me about how to
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: whether it's a mantra or a framework or a practice,
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: because I struggle with codependency so often, to help me
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: just be a little less paralyzing the codependent. I am
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: not codependent. You're right. I am very the opposite of codependent.
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: But that's I think because I don't have a lot
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: of responsibilities that would make me codependent. I'm in a
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: relationship right now where my boyfriend is codependent. He wants
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: to be together every single minute and do everything together.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: And I allow that because I have a pretty healthy
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: relationship with myself and I understand when I need the
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: time to myself. But as far as something suggesting something
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: to you, I would suggest something to you something that
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: really helps me understand who I am and to be
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: alone with like I think it's so important to sit
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: with yourself for a certain period of time each day,
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: even if it's twelve or fifteen minutes. This meditation I
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: do is the Chopra app and it's called well being challenges.
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: He's got tons of different sections, but there's a well
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: being challenge that is all about you and living with
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: yourself like and living in unity with yourself and the
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: universe and living with love and living with abundance and
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: moving with love, and it's all just about your relationship
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: with yourself and the strength that you have within and
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: then that is unflappable no matter what is happening around you,
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: that you are so anchored and centered. So that's a great,
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: great practice that I can recommend that has helped me
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: immensely remind myself when I'm feeling like I'm being tugged
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: or that that vibe is coming well being challenges, Okay,
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: I need to apply that because I will say I
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: just got back from I did a movie in London.
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: I got back about ten days ago, and I was
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: there for seven weeks, and the family had come out
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: to visit. But I will tell you the weeks that
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: they weren't there. The weekend days where I wasn't working.
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: I woke up in the morning and I was like,
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: I could get out of bed, but why what? What
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: would be the point? Because I realized I actually don't
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: have many, if any goals or aspirations or desires when
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not orbiting around or with someone else. Like I
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: was like, well, I could get out of this hotel room,
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: but like, what would I even do right? Right? But
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: that's normal. That's normal to want to sit in bed
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: all day like your family's away, you're not working, like
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: of course, and there I need to cut myself some slack.
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: But I did find it like interesting to go oh
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: when I'm not orbiting around someone else, because I'm not
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: codependent in the fact that I always want to be
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: with someone. I just want to be in the same vicinity,
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: like I like to have the tribe in the house,
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: but I don't need to leave, like in the same room,
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: are doing the same thing as you? But I do
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: need to know you're happy with me. And it's like
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: that ache of going are you happy with me? Did
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: I do enough for you? Did? I? Like, I don't know?
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: Are you? Are you approving of my behavior, supersteeds, all
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: of my own instincts or desires? And I'm desperately working
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: on going No, I don't need to actually worry about
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: what you're processing, whether it's about me or someone else.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: I need to worry about my side of the street.
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: And yeah, maybe those well being challenges will allow me
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: to get to know myself because it reminds you that
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: you're enough. Everything you're doing is enough, and it's just
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: always grounding and centering to think about. There's one of
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: where he talks about grounding yourself in like your lower abdomen,
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: and I was like, what you know? And at first
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: some of it just sounds so unreachable, and then and
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: then us I was going on stage whenever I was
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: feeling like fluttery or butterflies, are waiting for the audience
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: to respond before to indicate or dictate my show, was Oh,
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: how is the audience experiencing this? And it's like I
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: remember going, no, you yourself, and then the audience is
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: going to experience you being grounded, and then it doesn't
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: matter what their what their reaction is, You're settled, you're strong,
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: and change their whole reaction to your show by doing that,
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 1: because that's one thing I do fully believe in, because
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: I absorb everyone's energy around me. Like if you come
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: into the room and you were just teary eyed, I
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: will feel sad and I won't even know why, and
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: I hate that that happens, But I like absorb everyone's
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 1: energy and and and sitting with my own energy and
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: letting that be on the front burner is really really
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: hard for me. But I know that when people can
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: do that, you can affect the room around you, like
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 1: I would bet that you might even have a better
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: show because not just because you've been grounded and maybe
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 1: performed better, but because you've influenced to the audience to
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 1: not and you've not come on stage with like anxiety. Yeah,
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: absolutely not reacting to other people's reactions. It's you. The
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: idea is to be remained steadfast and unflappable. So try
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: that and report back, Christen. I expect a full report back.
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: I'm going to write in. I'm going to call in
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: thank you for being with us today. I love and
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 1: adore you. Please say hi to your lover for me
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: to our lover, because he told me that he I
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: was one of his cheat cheets. Potentially if you collects,
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: so go for it too much for I couldn't handle
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: that kind of condependency. I'd like, No, I already have
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: what to deal with. But I love you. I hope
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: you have a great day. Thanks for being with us
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: on the podcast. Thank you love you too. Bye bye bye.
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 1: one of her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: at gmail dot com,