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Ambyr's Dad Is A Lesbian - h8dit 37 · thxh8dit

0:00
Now is not the time for your cheekiness.
0:02
R23PO huffed through, though he didn't pull away.
0:07
I'm in a state of extreme distress.
0:10
Archie didn't beep a sassy retort.
0:12
Instead, he extended a manipulator arm.
0:15
The hydraulic is sounding unusually soft in the quiet
0:19
hold. He didn't reach for the computer
0:22
interface, and he's reading ahead.
0:27
Stop. It's a fucking R2.
0:35
No, no. Instead, he gently brushed the
0:40
tip of the tool against the seam OF3PO's waist, bearing 3PO's
0:47
pulling. She can't read.
1:08
All right, red lights on. Recording.
1:12
Ready. Absolutely.
1:15
Not. Hey, Ryan.
1:21
What? Hey, hey, hey, Ryan, I have I
1:25
have two things. One my my shirt says that my dog
1:33
said you're a hoe. Nice.
1:35
You said that. You said that in the first
1:37
episode. No, I didn't.
1:40
And then the second thing I'm I am now officially more lesbian
1:48
than ever. I don't I don't understand how 1
1:54
can be more. Lesbian.
1:57
It's a true fact. I'm my first carabiner.
2:03
Next, she's going to buy a Subaru Outback.
2:06
No, a Jeep. I promise you, I promise you
2:11
whatever you think the Jeep is, is not.
2:15
The Subaru Outback is the gold standard of lesbian cars.
2:20
You want to know how I know 'cause my dad has a Jeep.
2:26
Are you calling your dad a lesbian?
2:27
The biggest dad I love you shout out OK?
2:32
That's not how any of that works, but whatever.
2:36
Welcome back guys. I've had one hour.
2:41
Dad is a lesbian. That's the title of this
2:43
episode. Apparently she's on one and
2:48
she's going to introduce us. Yeah, go for it.
2:50
You started it. No I in the past.
2:56
No for me. Go fuck yourself.
3:03
I was up at 11:00 in the morning yesterday and didn't fall asleep
3:10
until 1:00 today in the afternoon and then woke up at
3:15
2:30. I think so, yeah.
3:19
Oh no. Look at this stuff.
3:22
Isn't it neat? I forgot my pop.
3:24
Talk I also. One second.
3:26
I you bitch. I've got 1.
3:31
He ran. He runs like he ran in high
3:34
school. Like a gay boy, a little.
3:39
I'm back. Oh, hey, what's up?
3:43
We weren't talking about you. I can't wait.
3:49
Just because I forgot to put pants up.
3:58
Speaking of it, I have two surprises for you and I am not
4:01
telling you what they are. Well, I'll tell you their their
4:05
stories, but I'm not telling you about them.
4:09
The Gawk Gawk 9000. You're gonna listen back to it
4:16
and you're gonna be like, Oh my fucking God.
4:21
Are you gonna turn that off? Are you gonna?
4:23
Turn that off. I could turn it down.
4:26
I would I would assume yeah, OK, there's a fan in the background
4:30
can. You hear it?
4:31
I can't. Even hear me.
4:32
I can't hear it. It might pick it up.
4:35
I don't know. We're going to find out.
4:38
Let's say I'm imagining it's picking it up, but.
4:41
It's hot as balls in here though.
4:43
It is I. I can't hear it, so that might
4:47
be Discord doing its own thing. I don't want to get back up.
4:57
I'd love her, she does that all the time.
5:00
You want it down 1, you go put it down.
5:04
She breaks something, I'm like, hey, would you mind putting that
5:06
back up? She's like I I like it better on
5:07
the floor. Yeah, autism awareness.
5:12
Autism Awareness. No, that was last month.
5:16
Technically that was April, but when this comes out, it's going
5:19
to be June. But today is may the fourth be
5:28
with you. Yes, may the.
5:30
Oh yeah, you. Indeed.
5:33
Happy Star Wars Day, y'all Bush. I'm not watching.
5:41
With that, Star Wars you don't have to.
5:45
And a White Claw. It's a win.
5:47
It's it's. Seltzer water.
5:50
Every it's. Yeah.
5:51
So nothing. White Claw was famously already
5:55
had nothing in it. Yeah, and now it's famously have
5:58
nothing in it and doesn't have alcohol.
6:01
What a stupid concept. Are you going to jump right into
6:05
it? Not to the story, but because
6:08
it's May the 4th. I have awesome Carrie Fisher
6:12
tweets. Y'all want to hear them?
6:16
Yeah. The first one I have, I thought
6:21
Trump couldn't be on cocaine because he's overweight, but a
6:24
friend suggested he might ordinarily weigh much more.
6:29
That was Carrie Fisher. On Twitter?
6:34
Yep. That seems weird.
6:36
Another one. So you have to be attractive to
6:41
be groped uninvited by Trump. Finally, a reason to want to be
6:45
ugly. I can send these to you by the
6:49
way if you want to put them. Was she famously upset at?
6:51
Trump Oh 100% yeah, 1000%. Not all of them are Trump
6:59
things, but the first couple are the The third one, Donald Trump,
7:03
is a classless thug trying to scare us into voting for him, an
7:08
entitled, elitist, racist, misogynist, dangerous, unkind,
7:12
and without empathy. And then the picture is I'm.
7:16
So tired of all the buzzwords? Let's keep using all the
7:19
buzzwords. Every last buzzword to describe
7:23
one. Person Hey, hey, hey, hey.
7:26
She's dead. Rest in peace.
7:28
No, not rest in peace. If she used all the buzzwords,
7:31
it's annoying. Shut up.
7:33
And then the bottom the the bottom picture that she posted
7:36
underneath that is a hand dryer. And in Sharpie it says push
7:40
button for short speech by Donald Trump.
7:45
Fantastic. Another one.
7:47
See, I don't know how to write someone privately.
7:51
Help me, Obi Wan Juan, whoever the fuck you are, you're my only
7:56
hoe. The What the fuck is happening?
8:01
These are not Carrie. There's no way.
8:03
Another one, this one was not, but it's about Carrie Fisher.
8:08
It says, I think about this every day, and it's Princess
8:12
Leia in her outfit. And it says, what am I going to
8:15
tell my kids about why she's dressed in that outfit?
8:18
And then Carrie Fisher says, tell them that a giant slug
8:20
forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him
8:23
because I didn't like it. And then there's another one.
8:29
The post above it is the throwing up face.
8:33
Carrie Fisher had it all over kidney boobs.
8:37
And then it says breaking. The White House has unveiled the
8:41
new official portrait of Donald and Melania Trump.
8:46
And it's Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia where he's trying
8:50
to lick her face. There's a couple more, but you
8:58
guys aren't digging it. This is.
8:59
All exhausting, it really is. You're exhausting.
9:06
Welcome back guys to the exhausting.
9:08
Thanks. Hey to the podcast episode 35.
9:11
I'm here with the on one Amber. We call her a midnight.
9:17
Yeah, well, actually it's pretty good.
9:19
I know we're here with the ever loving, ever blue.
9:23
What did your shirt say? It's the American Cancer
9:27
Society. We are stronger together
9:30
T-shirts. Wow, wow, Did you hear what she
9:35
said? Take back my statement.
9:37
Jesus fucking on one today. He doesn't want to listen to me
9:42
right now. We're here with the Cancer
9:44
Society supporting Ryan. I got this for taking a photo a
9:49
day in October of last year. Got it.
9:55
And I'm your Co host. You're woke up I think 12
10:00
minutes ago. Justin didn't mean to sleep for
10:05
four hours in the middle of the day, but I did.
10:10
Got to love it. I I was.
10:12
Falling asleep on the couch watching, you know, Farm
10:15
Simulator. I was like, I'm going to take
10:18
like an hour nap and it's 4 hours and now I feel like I've
10:21
died in the middle of the day. You look like you rose from the
10:24
dead, like you don't even know where you you actually are.
10:30
I feel like it. Did you not want to read this
10:33
one? I'm not funny.
10:35
Even if I said it, he wouldn't laugh.
10:37
Do you want to read it? No.
10:38
OK, it's a picture of a young Bush and it says not a single
10:44
mention in the Epstein files. No blackmail, he just bombed the
10:47
Middle East for the love of the game.
10:50
I mean, that one's true. I'm.
10:55
Going to turn this down, OK. Attack of the Fans.
11:02
So what did you do this week, Ryan?
11:06
Drove for Uber and got yelled at by like 4 different people.
11:11
It was a shit show. I found out that there was a
11:13
full moon on when was it Friday, which is why everybody and their
11:19
mother was on something. It was insane.
11:25
The first one I I actually I actually got that that person I
11:33
talked about last episode. I got that person again for the
11:37
same trip. Took a.
11:39
Screenshot of it so I can send you guys so I can send you guys
11:45
the the name and I I cancelled it as soon as I saw it because I
11:51
was like yeah that's who that was not dealing with that person
11:54
again so there's the actual screenshot from my Uber app.
12:00
I just texted it to you guys tell me how to say that name
12:06
but. 00. That is amazing.
12:19
A quichelon. Right.
12:24
I'll blast his name on the bolt. No, that's fine.
12:29
I. So the main.
12:31
Reason I couldn't say it is because I could not remember how
12:33
it was spelled. I just remembered.
12:35
I would remember it when I saw it and obviously I remembered
12:38
it. Dude was an absolute.
12:40
So you cancelled it? Oh yeah, I.
12:42
Cancelled it. You can't.
12:43
Good. Yeah, I, I cancelled it at this
12:47
time because I was like, absolutely not.
12:48
Let me tell you about the the other people I had this week
12:51
though, because I had another three that were just unreal.
12:58
So first one, I'm in Altamont. Of course it's Altamont.
13:03
Of course it's Altamont. Picking somebody up from the
13:05
Winn-dixie pull up to the spot I'm.
13:08
Supposed my mom used to work there.
13:10
On 434. And 4:36.
13:15
Yeah, I think that's. It next to the Walmart.
13:18
No. Yes, maybe.
13:21
I don't know. Wherever I was at pulled up to
13:24
the spot I was supposed to be at.
13:27
I had my window down just in case, you know, I heard the
13:31
person all of a sudden from the sidewalk.
13:35
I heard hey, real loud yell at me and I turn and look and this
13:42
person is standing there and gave me the snap at me and then
13:46
pointed down at the sidewalk in front of them.
13:53
And I looked at them and they gave well are you coming type of
13:58
look and then snapped again, pointed down.
14:01
And I was like, Nope, we're done.
14:02
I put it in drive, drove into the parking lot, cancelled the
14:06
ride and drove off. They reported me for poor
14:09
driving. I called Uber support and I said
14:13
they never got in my car. What do you mean poor driving?
14:17
And they're like, this is obviously a false report because
14:20
1. We see that you cancelled it and
14:23
then they immediately reported you.
14:27
So they never got in your car. And two, you have one of the
14:31
highest like scores for driving insights that we have in the
14:36
app. You're in the top tier of
14:40
drivers. So obviously you're not a poor
14:42
driver. You're in the top 1%.
14:45
Yeah, I'm. A little rich boy.
14:47
No, no, that's an only fan stat. Yeah, I'm the top 1% of good
14:52
drivers on Uber, unfortunately. I don't make.
14:55
Enough money. I don't make more money from
14:57
Uber. They still try to, of course.
14:59
Has it over. But yeah, so it's the the snap
15:02
and pointing down at the road in front of them because they
15:06
couldn't walk across if they would have just had, hey, do you
15:10
mind pulling up so I have an easier time load in the car or
15:13
just do you mind pulling up closer to me?
15:15
I would have done it. But because they decided to be
15:19
all high and mighty, do the whole snap and point thing.
15:22
No, we're not. We're not going to deal that the
15:25
next person. Yeah, it's unreasonable.
15:28
Fucking absolutely not. Yeah, unreasonable.
15:31
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
15:33
OK. Forget it.
15:37
Is that like an? Easy button, Yes, it's so good.
15:41
It's the wait. It's the no button.
15:43
It's the no. Button.
15:44
That's fantastic. I love it.
15:46
I want one I. Don't know how many there are.
15:50
That's fantastic. The next one I roll up to this
15:57
spot out in the middle of nowhere in Sanford and it was it
16:04
wasn't really a driveway because there was 2 houses sharing it.
16:08
But the house I was supposed to be picking up at I didn't see
16:11
anyone near the road where they were supposed to be and the
16:14
house was there. So I pulled down the, like,
16:17
Access Rd. and the dude came out.
16:21
He was super nice. The guy was super kind.
16:24
He was like, hey man, can I do something for you?
16:26
You need any help? Be careful.
16:29
You know, the dog won't bite. But, you know, really
16:32
hyperactive. I was like, yeah, no worries.
16:34
I'm supposed to pick somebody up for Uber from here.
16:37
He goes, oh, you were supposed to go to a different location.
16:41
I don't know anything about that.
16:42
So let me go get my wife who set up the ride.
16:44
I was like, OK, yeah, no problem.
16:47
She comes out and she immediately starts yelling at
16:51
me. Like before she's even out of
16:53
the garage, before I even see her, I hear her yelling you went
16:58
to the wrong spot, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
17:00
This is not right. I can't believe you.
17:02
You're supposed to be picking somebody else up and all of this
17:05
shit in a fucking bathrobe, mind you.
17:08
Like, no, absolutely the fuck not.
17:12
I'm like, ma'am, I am literally an independent contractor.
17:17
All Uber does is send me where I need to pick the person up at
17:21
what their name is and where I'm taking them.
17:24
That's all the information I get.
17:26
I don't get any more information.
17:27
I don't know how many riders there are.
17:30
I don't know like anything, anything at all.
17:34
So you can stop with the attitude and then that set her
17:38
off more. She's like, no, I, I put it in
17:42
right. You, you were at fault here.
17:44
I was like, ma'am, I will show you.
17:46
And I showed her my app. It's like this is exactly where
17:49
it told me to come. You can see the pinpoint.
17:51
I am on the pinpoint. So you can stop right now.
17:56
You need to call Uber support because otherwise this is not
18:00
getting resolved. And she goes, no, you need to go
18:02
here. And she had on her notebook,
18:05
paper notebook where the address was, it was the library in Lake
18:09
Mary is where I was supposed to go pick this person up at.
18:13
And she starts yelling at me, you need to go there.
18:16
Now. I go, ma'am, if I leave from
18:18
this location, it's going to cancel the ride and send
18:20
somebody else out here. So the issue is not going to get
18:23
solved. 1-2 you put in the wrong address.
18:28
She goes, no, I didn't see it's right here on her paper
18:31
notebook. It's written down.
18:33
Ma'am. That's not the app.
18:37
Like what the fuck are you talking about?
18:39
The only reason I sat there and waited is because if she
18:43
cancelled it, I got paid. So I was going to force her to
18:48
cancel it. So I got paid for coming out
18:50
there and enduring that shit because fuck you bitch.
18:55
I'm not cancelling it and not getting paid for this, you know?
18:58
So I endeared it and I and she's like, so then what do I do?
19:01
I was like you, called Uber support.
19:06
See, this is This is why when Amber met you, she thought you
19:09
were gay because you've got this old school New York gay to you
19:16
where it comes out when you're like and when you're not, when
19:19
you're not, when you're angry. But it's like when you're like,
19:22
when you're trying to like, hey, bitch, shut the fuck up.
19:25
Like you've got this thing. It's like fuck you, bitch.
19:29
Like, and I imagine in the fucking car dealership all the
19:34
time at somebody else in the car dealership, you were like, shut
19:38
up, bitch. Like there were.
19:40
I would do that to Keegan. All the time.
19:42
Speaking of which, I. Was going to say that's.
19:44
What I'm talking about? We're not allowed, we're not
19:47
allowed to, to talk about that story because I'd already had
19:52
told it. If that were the case, you guys
19:56
said that he needs to be on the podcast in order for me to talk
19:59
about the story. Oh, I think he should.
20:03
I yeah, I I think we need to get him on.
20:07
I said I better get him on the message.
20:08
He's going to have a going to have a kid soon here.
20:11
Is he? Yeah.
20:12
I imagine he's been married for a little while.
20:15
I mean, so have we. We almost had a kid.
20:20
That's what I'm saying. That's besides the point.
20:25
So that'll all that shit went down.
20:28
And then the last one was the most mundane one, but they were
20:32
still incredibly rude. And I was like, bro, I'm not
20:37
taking you. So I drove off.
20:39
But that was that was that was my week was filled with.
20:45
I mean, obviously most of the riders I had were great,
20:49
fantastic, you know, nothing crazy.
20:51
One dude I had last night, he's like, dude, thank you for
20:55
picking me up because the last guy dropped me off here and
20:57
drove off. When I asked him to take me
20:59
back, he's like I had a 20 ready for him to, to take me back to
21:04
the hotel, which is literally 3 miles down the road.
21:07
He wanted to go to Wawa to pick something up and then go back to
21:10
the hotel room. He's like, I don't know this
21:12
area. I'm from Dallas, you know, I,
21:14
I've never been here before. So I was like, well, I'm glad
21:19
that I picked up your ride then because I can get you where you
21:22
need to go. You're all good.
21:24
He goes, thanks man. You're the nicest person I've
21:26
met here tonight. He's like everybody else has
21:28
been Dicks. I was like, that sucks because
21:31
I've dealt with Dicks all weekend too.
21:34
Yeah, brother, it's not Dallas. That is the the one of the
21:39
rudest states in the Union. We are a bunch of fucking
21:42
assholes, I'll tell you that. But he ended up he was like, I,
21:47
I don't want to tip through the app.
21:49
I'll just give you cash. I was like, bro, you don't even
21:51
have to tip. I don't care.
21:53
It's not that big of a deal. I made my money off of this trip
21:55
because I had a a surge price. So Uber paid me more than what
21:59
normally would have been. So I was like, I'm good.
22:02
He goes, no man, you were the nicest person.
22:04
He dropped me at 20. He's like, that was what the guy
22:06
should have gotten for taking me.
22:08
He's like, you get you deserve it.
22:09
I was like, hell yeah, brother. Thank you.
22:13
Appreciate that. Listen, even even Jordan had his
22:18
off weeks. We all can't be on our game all
22:20
the time. But I'm glad you stuck with it.
22:22
I'm glad you stuck to the play and you watched some tapes and
22:25
you you got back in the game. Oh my.
22:27
God. Yeah, I I made a game time
22:30
decision on on a lot of that. So it's all about making a plan
22:38
to adjust the game plan. Listen, we'll get back in there
22:42
next week. We'll we'll rally around our
22:44
boys and and we'll get it done. We're talking about practice.
22:51
Do you remember? That that press conference
22:54
balls. The what?
22:56
The the we're we talking about practice the Allen Iverson press
23:00
conference. No, I love Iverson, I just
23:03
haven't seen that one. OK, I'll, I'll have to find the
23:06
video because it's literally they're asking him why he was
23:10
like not going full out in the practice the last one because he
23:13
got called out for it. And he goes, if we were talking
23:17
about games, that's one thing, but we're talking about
23:19
practice. And he just repeated that thing
23:22
the entire time. It's a glorious press
23:24
conference. Yeah, that would have pissed me
23:27
off too. Shut the.
23:28
Fuck up. Do you know how big I am?
23:31
You're you're, you're talking, you're talking to a future Hall
23:34
of Famer there and he's you're, you're disrespecting him, bro.
23:39
Pro doesn't need to practice. Everybody else around in needs
23:42
to. Practice.
23:44
I do love when the reporters get familiar, a little too familiar.
23:50
And they've been, you know, at 20 press conferences this year
23:56
with this athlete. And this athlete's still, you
23:59
know, 69, 285 lbs. He's for, you know, the Ravens
24:05
or the Seahawks or something. And they give him that old, you
24:09
know, snotted like snide bullshit comment.
24:13
And you see the switch and he's like, how about I come down
24:15
there and then I beat you to death?
24:16
How about that? How about you talk to me like
24:19
that again? You'll never fucking see the
24:20
inside of this room again, you piece of shit.
24:22
I'm like, oh, that's what I'm talking about.
24:26
Yeah, it's it's glorious. I love it.
24:30
Yeah, that was my weekend. Nothing, nothing else really
24:33
exciting happened. There's the video for the Allen
24:35
Iverson we're talking about practice rant.
24:39
It's. I'll watch it.
24:40
Less than two minutes long, but it's glorious.
24:44
How was your weekend? Well, what I'm going to talk
24:48
about is probably going to be a new reoccurring segment with the
24:54
Batmobile, my new cop car, because it seems to be that
24:59
every day that I drive this thing, I get a new story.
25:03
That is completely insane I don't think.
25:07
You even talked about it last week.
25:10
No, I was going to tell last week's story.
25:13
Yeah, it's it's a blast. I love it.
25:18
It. I thought it already bit me so I
25:22
got really upset last week with it, but it for right now, knock
25:26
on everything. Everything.
25:29
Knock on everything that exists. It's it's good.
25:33
Exactly. And I was really worried and now
25:37
it's, it seems to be doing great.
25:39
So knock on everything. It's it hasn't bit me yet.
25:42
I thought it bit the fuck out of me like a $3500 repair last
25:47
week. And so far that's not the case.
25:51
I, I mean, it looked like it everything, everything was there
25:53
to where I was like, damn, fuck, I got a fucking repair.
25:58
That whole thing now, 'cause it's, it's giving me all the
26:01
symptoms and everything that indicates that repair, that
26:04
specific repair. That's the fatal flaw of this
26:08
motor. And so far, knock on everything,
26:11
it's it seems to be holding so good.
26:14
I'm in the truck, the new Explorer police pursuit vehicle.
26:20
It's awesome. And I come out of like a who
26:27
cares a big gas station for specifically like E85 vehicles.
26:32
And I get behind a newish F-150 and he's behind a very nice Ram.
26:42
Like from what I could tell, it was like ATRX, like the RAM.
26:48
It was fucking awesome. And we're I'm behind him and
26:54
he's behind him for like, I kid you not, like 20 seconds.
26:57
And I had just got off the phone with Ryan and I can't even
27:01
remember what I called him for at this point because of what
27:04
happens next. We both the, the RAM, the F-150
27:11
and I all turn right onto this side Rd. because that's just the
27:14
way the GPS has taken us for some reason.
27:17
And as soon as we get on the side Rd. the F-150 lights up.
27:22
This is not a cop car. This is a dress down what looks
27:25
like an undercover, but it's, I mean, it's, you couldn't tell
27:28
and he lights the fuck up. This Ram all of a sudden jerks
27:33
the wheel to the right and takes this TRX up the 4 1/2 foot bank
27:39
into the BJ's parking lot. Like he actually, he actually
27:44
like hit it and jumped ATRX off the bank into this parking lot.
27:49
So I slowed down because he turned his lights on and I'm
27:53
already like 100 feet behind him.
27:55
I was maybe 30 feet back when this happened.
27:57
Now I'm like 100 feet behind. He whips around.
28:01
The cop is headed straight towards me.
28:03
He looks right at me with one hand on the wheel and one hand
28:07
with his his whatever PA radio and he's talking to the guys and
28:14
he stops talking for a second. Points to the direction of the
28:18
RAM like he went that way. Where are you going?
28:22
And I just put both my hands up and I went no, no, no, no, no,
28:25
no, no, no, no. I'm not a cop.
28:26
I'm not a cop. I don't know how how, how to
28:30
explain that to him while we're flying.
28:33
Like he's gunning it past me on the driver's side.
28:36
And I'm just sitting there shaking my hands, going no, no,
28:38
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I call Ryan.
28:43
No, no, no, I call Ryan and I go, it happened.
28:48
Oh my God, it happened. And he's like what the fuck?
28:53
And I was like, brother, listen to this shit that just happened.
28:56
And I tell him about this like this, I'm assuming this chase
29:01
and we hang up and I'm going down the street and I take a
29:06
left in the back roads again, because again, for some reason
29:09
the GPS take me like through this like residential area
29:13
behind all the main shops. And I don't, I don't even know
29:15
why, but because it did. I take a left on this four
29:20
corner and the guy who's walking out into the street sees me.
29:26
I see him literally drop a white baggie like the tied up tight
29:31
coke bag. I see him drop it on the street
29:34
and just keep walking. 30 feet in front of me. 30 fucking feet
29:38
in front of me. Ow.
29:44
Like if, if you are a cop, you absolutely won saw that.
29:50
And two, the camera would have seen it like it was, it was so
29:55
clear what you just did. And then as I passed, he just
29:59
sat there and stared at me And he's like, I can't tell.
30:03
And I'm looking right at him going, you're a fucking idiot.
30:06
And I just I just keep keep creeping down the block.
30:10
I'm like, I'm not dealing with that.
30:14
See, we've watched enough. Yeah.
30:18
Like. Ewoo, Midwest safety.
30:21
Oh yeah. And Midwest safety.
30:24
We watched one the other day where this guy, I shit you not,
30:27
he robbed A crumbles cookie. I don't know if you know what
30:32
that is. Yep.
30:33
Yeah. So he robs A crumble cookie and
30:37
then he goes up the road and he already dashed the cookie box,
30:42
but he still had some cash. And, you know, I think he had
30:46
like gloves and shit in his bag. That was my hand.
30:50
He had like gloves and shit in his bag.
30:52
They didn't know this because it's as soon as the cop rolled
30:55
up on him, maybe maybe 15 feet from him, the cop rolled up on
31:00
him, hit the lights, and as soon as he did, the dude shot 17
31:04
times through the windshield. Yeah.
31:07
So no, I'm not going to be rolling up on people like I'm a
31:12
joke. Like, no, I just do it so people
31:14
leave me the fuck alone. I don't.
31:16
I don't need them putting a drum through the OR the windshield.
31:19
We've also seen use in Midwest safety for people impersonate a
31:24
cop. Oh my God.
31:25
And now it's considered a felony.
31:29
Yeah, it's not a misdemeanor. It is a top tier felony my dude.
31:35
And I'm not worried about it. There are there is 2 sets of
31:38
lights on this entire truck. They are not working.
31:43
They are decommissioned because they take.
31:45
There's no no electronics connected to it.
31:48
They. Take the whole brain out of the
31:50
dash. So until I can get a sound off
31:55
or you know, whatever the the guys who sell directly to safety
32:01
and fire and police, I'd have to get one of those to make it all
32:05
work again or just run it straight to 12 Volt.
32:07
But I'm not going to do that. So after all of that, and we.
32:16
Go to the gas station and people were like twerking on each other
32:19
or something. Oh yeah, no, I'm getting there.
32:21
I'm I'm like it just keeps happening to where the more I
32:25
drive this thing and I've already put like 2500 miles on
32:29
this truck. I got my oil change today.
32:30
I've only had it for a month. Like I.
32:32
Don't know you got your oil change.
32:33
Yeah. I got my oil change and I got my
32:36
recalls scheduled at the dealership in north of the city.
32:41
But I'm coming back from, you know, Georgia, of course, and it
32:51
it takes E85. So you have to like find the gas
32:53
pumps because it's kind of a pain in the ass to find the gas
32:55
pumps. Also, I found out I'm in a new
32:57
club. It's called the E85 club.
32:59
It's where all of the specialty vehicles go.
33:04
And we all like, you know how when you have a Jeep, you have
33:08
to, like, put your hand through your zipper and, like, shake
33:11
each other's hands like, that's the Jeep handshake.
33:14
So now we like, we're a club, too.
33:16
Now, like the E85 club. I don't know what the handshake
33:19
is yet. Yeah.
33:20
Dad, you're a lesbian. Yes, we haven't been initiated
33:26
yet, but literally every time I stop at a gas station, there's
33:28
another explorer or there's like a specific E85 vehicle and we
33:32
both look at each other like E85 E 85.
33:37
But I pull up to the station and this guy's telling me how he
33:42
used to have an old PIU the the cop car.
33:47
And he said his buddy would sit it at like up the road from
33:55
their little town wherever they were, like a good, you know,
33:58
half mile. And you could see as soon as you
34:01
got to this sign, you could see his car 1/2 mile away.
34:05
So you knew it was coming. I forgot about this one he made.
34:09
A sign with the specialty reflective like sign material.
34:13
That said, I think it was it was something like drug checkpoint,
34:19
dogs in use like a head. So he would put his car like 1/2
34:26
mile away from their town and the sign a half mile up from
34:31
that. So if people were coming into
34:33
their town they would either turn around and go another way
34:36
or they would throw their shit out of the car.
34:39
So he would go up there like once a week and get a banker's
34:43
box full of little Baggies and he found like 2 guns.
34:48
People would just throw shit because they know they're about
34:51
to hit this quote UN quote checkpoint and they would just
34:54
throw the shit out the window when.
34:55
You said it. I thought you were saying.
34:58
I thought you were saying like they literally placed those
35:04
drugs and guns and stuff like that in a banker's box, like at
35:09
a checkpoint. When you told me this, I thought
35:12
that's what it was. Oh, you were saying the
35:14
criminals are nice enough to set their drugs in a box for the
35:17
cops? I thought that's what you had
35:20
said and I was like, no, that's fucking weird.
35:24
No, but OK. He said they would go up there
35:26
like once a week and just scan around the grass on both sides
35:29
of the sign. That's insane.
35:31
And he would find like a a bottom of the banker's box would
35:34
be filled with little Baggies like coke, Baggies and pills.
35:37
And maybe that's what you told me.
35:38
And then he would find like he found like 2 guns and I'm like
35:41
fuck I got to do that like. How pissed do you think they
35:46
were when they realized there was no checkpoint?
35:50
There was no checkpoint. I would turn my stupid ass
35:53
around and go get my drugs. If you think I'm going to roll
35:57
through this checkpoint and there'll be nobody in the car
35:59
and no dogs, I'm turning right the fuck back around and going
36:01
to get my shit. But it's a sting operation
36:04
because you're on drugs. I don't.
36:06
Know seriously, what if that was like?
36:08
Literally. Thing they would see who would
36:11
turn around and do that and get them on the next come around,
36:15
like actually pull out and just, you know, lights all up.
36:19
A bit the trees. The trees start talking.
36:21
They're like, oh fuck. We saw a Midwest safety about a
36:26
place that's close to us. I won't say the name but they
36:30
literally they have I guess strict ish gun laws like you can
36:36
only hunt deer at a certain time and if you what is it if you put
36:41
a a spotlight? On.
36:43
It in the middle of the night you can be charged and arrested.
36:47
Spotlighting is everywhere. That is it, yeah, I've yeah.
36:50
And. And you can only hunt during
36:52
certain times of of the year anyways and.
36:56
And. That's that's a national.
36:59
I guess like there was like this new cop or something like a a
37:03
trainer and a trainee and they put a fake deer in the middle of
37:11
the field and this car and or this truck ended up coming back
37:17
from hunting. It was getting dark or it was
37:21
dark or something. So he had all of his shit in his
37:24
car, like not working, not doing anything, like all completely.
37:29
What do you, how do you call it? Not connected?
37:33
No, no, no, no. Like the guns and stuff.
37:37
Non assembled. There you go.
37:39
And they didn't, they didn't like spotlight it specifically.
37:46
They were just like looking at it like, oh this like somebody
37:52
put a fake deer just to fucking do this.
37:55
And you can hear all the cops footage and all that shit and
37:58
they're literally like, should we get him?
38:02
He didn't really do it, but maybe we can get him.
38:05
And then they go and talk to him and he's like, no, we, we were
38:08
just coming back. We saw it was a fake deer and we
38:10
thought it was really fucking Bunny.
38:12
And the cops ended up like fucking with him and his girl
38:17
and they end up like going back to the cop car and they're like,
38:20
oh, we should charge him. And you know, his wife has to
38:24
pick up a get picked up or whatever.
38:27
And then they're like that looks like a new truck.
38:29
Let me let me see if I can get that truck.
38:32
Like for myself. I was like, bitch, what?
38:35
Anyways. Yeah, that's.
38:37
That is. A comment DNR tactic to put fake
38:41
deer out there. Crazy.
38:43
But yeah, no, to be that corrupt, to try and pull, you
38:49
know, pull that shit, that's ridiculous.
38:52
Redonkulous, as they would say. Redonkulous.
38:56
He's actually one of your boys. He's he's somewhere wherever the
39:01
DNR is. I don't even know where the DNR
39:03
is. Department of Natural Resources,
39:07
everywhere. I think it's South Carolina.
39:09
That's what I said, yeah. I.
39:10
Wasn't going to say I didn't know that was in South Carolina.
39:13
That's very fun. And we like when we watched it,
39:16
she wasn't isn't specifically like a criminal lawyer, but she
39:22
ended up like taking it on or something like that.
39:24
She works for like workers comp or some shit like that.
39:27
Wow. And I looked at you and I was
39:30
like, if this shit doesn't go right, that's my girl.
39:34
Yes. 'Cause she, like, she tore these
39:37
people apart. And the other thing was the
39:39
officers thought that they had turned off their cameras or
39:45
their mics or something like that and didn't and fucked
39:49
themselves up. They were like, how do we get
39:52
his truck? That's a really nice truck.
39:54
Yeah. They were like you just you just
39:57
tow it and then he'll never get it out of impound like they said
40:00
that on like anyway, so. Sorry.
40:03
Clearly, there's a reason people are afraid of the car that I
40:06
drive. Yeah, so I was pulling out of
40:10
this gas station and the guy told me about the the like his
40:14
fake sting. And then the gas station before
40:18
that, they said they had the type of gas that I need.
40:21
So I pulled in and as I'm pulling in there's a guy walking
40:26
away from two other guys and as he's walking away he's like
40:30
jaywalking off the main road but it's like on a side Rd. kind of
40:34
but I mean it's still technically jaywalking.
40:36
So he sees me pull in off the main road pretty quick 'cause I
40:40
turned fast and he goes, turns right, turns left, turns right,
40:46
goes straight. He just, he was like and then
40:51
ended up just walking straight in front of me.
40:54
So I turned left behind him into the gas station.
40:58
He just left with his two boys sitting on the corner and I pull
41:01
into the pump and I'm far enough back on the pump because the for
41:06
whatever reason the gas cap is on the wrong side.
41:09
It's bullshit. He says the wrong side.
41:12
It's. On the passenger side, I hate
41:13
it. So is my car.
41:15
I hate it. Like so is other cars like your.
41:18
Car's not on the passenger side. Yes, it.
41:22
Is is it? I don't think it is anyway.
41:25
See, I I agree with that. I don't like it.
41:28
I don't like it anyway. I'm far enough away from the
41:32
pump because the the it's I mean it's all the way by the fucking
41:35
tail light in the on the passenger side.
41:38
So my whole like the whole car is sticking out from the pump
41:41
and it, it looks like I'm looking.
41:44
And so I'm trying to find another gas station because
41:48
clearly the fucking gas I need isn't here because South
41:51
Carolina gas stations suck Dick. So I'm like, fuck, I've only got
41:57
like 40 miles left in the tank in the next stations.
41:59
I shit you not like 39 miles. And it's like, yeah, this one
42:04
probably has it just like this one probably had it.
42:07
And I'm like, fuck, man. So I'm, I'm sitting in the car
42:12
for like 5 minutes. I never get out of the car
42:13
because it's, it doesn't have my gas in the pump and I'm sitting
42:17
there for like 5 minutes and I, I keep checking these guys and
42:21
eventually they are like they look like cartoon characters who
42:25
are sticking their heads around the car wash at a 90° angle
42:29
around the building. They're like, what the fuck is
42:32
he doing? I'm like, I'm just trying to
42:35
find a gas pump, man. This shit sucks.
42:39
So there's that one, the guy who threw the baggie, the fucking
42:43
literal like pursuit that happened in front of me and he
42:47
was like, where are you going? He's over there.
42:49
And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.
42:52
The one, the one whenever you were finding gas and you were
42:56
like in the back or something like that and a cop car like
43:02
went to go around you or something like that.
43:06
I was going to say the twerking one.
43:07
Which one were you talking about?
43:08
You can say the twerking 1 you I think it was like in the same
43:12
realm as like you looking for gas.
43:14
You like pulled up in the back and it was like a post office or
43:16
something. And I guess like somebody called
43:19
maybe you just said it and I wasn't.
43:21
Paying Oh, that was the station before so I I had gone to three
43:25
fucking gas stations to find the fuel that I need because nobody
43:29
has this shit. So you have to go to like a
43:31
government website that monitors E85 stations because it's a
43:36
government like I don't even know how to thing like they
43:40
they. Regulation, by the way.
43:42
Yeah, by the way, what is it? E85.
43:46
Yeah, it's Cone. Yeah, it's a bunch of corn.
43:50
Did you watch? That video I sent you?
43:53
Just now. I did.
43:54
I did. It's the It's Corn video.
43:59
I didn't do anything, but I'm pretty sure I ruined somebody's
44:03
charger because we're at the gas.
44:07
Station really quick, I'll make it really quick.
44:10
We pull up to this gas station and some randu starts like
44:13
yelling and I'm like fuck, I thought he was asking him for
44:18
money and then I didn't realize he was still talking to this
44:21
dude until I heard his voice. And so I just opened my door and
44:25
I'm like who's going to fucking get it?
44:28
And then I realized everything was fine anyways.
44:30
She was about it about. It I was.
44:33
So he's like from around the pump.
44:38
So I can't even see him. He's like, hey, hey.
44:41
And I'm like, it's a, it's an old cop car.
44:44
People want to look at it. They want to see it.
44:45
They want to like know everything about it.
44:47
It's it's a show car now. So he starts talking and he's
44:52
like, man, what's this red handle?
44:54
And I'm like, what, what the fuck are you talking about?
44:59
So I, I do look at the pump and I'm like, oh, you're right.
45:02
There's yellow, green, blue, red, black.
45:06
What the fuck? I don't know that.
45:08
And I'm like, I'll be honest, I don't even know what E15 is.
45:12
I have no clue. I don't even know what that
45:14
means. And he goes, I was, I was going
45:17
to go to the racetrack right around the corner.
45:19
We have one of those speedways around the corner here in this
45:22
town. And he was like, I'm trying to
45:26
go to the racetrack, but I was trying to get like, race gas.
45:28
I was like, oh, that's the E85. Like, it's mostly corn, but it's
45:32
110 octane. And he was like, really?
45:35
And I was like, yeah, but you got to have like, you got to
45:37
have the car that runs it, but it is race gas.
45:40
And he's like, oh, OK, filled his fucking Charger with E85 and
45:44
drove away. And I'm like, idiot.
45:47
I'm like, holy shit. I hope he didn't just like fully
45:52
fill his fucking car because you can cut it a little bit, but he
45:57
just. I was like, Oh no.
46:00
Anyway, yeah, crazy shit, Some crazy shit.
46:03
The. Cop told me to put it in here.
46:05
Yeah, put E85 in my charger and I mean that sounds.
46:09
About right. If it was a cop, they're like, I
46:13
don't know. I told him, but that's what I
46:16
put in mine and he was like, you put E85 in that?
46:18
I'm like it's made for it. You got to.
46:20
It's got to be made for it. So I know, I know all my stories
46:26
are about this fucking gas, but that's all I have.
46:28
It's so hard to find. It's like an hour from each
46:31
station. So the first station I go to, a
46:36
pilot or a Flying J doesn't matter because I assume they
46:40
have this type of fuel. They don't, by the way.
46:44
They have everything else but that one.
46:46
They even have the off road diesel, the red diesel, but they
46:48
don't have E85. So I go up the service Rd.
46:53
around the Pilot or the Flying J because literally every pump in
46:57
this fucking place is full. And I'm like, I'm not going to
47:00
sit here or block somebody just to find another station because
47:03
it's going to take me a minute. So I go down the service road
47:07
and like on the corner of the service Rd. is the actual
47:11
trucker repair station, like the business that does the truck
47:14
repairs. I pull in there, I do a loop in
47:17
the park, the parking lot, and then I just I just stop right on
47:20
the corner and I start trying to find a new station.
47:25
And as I'm sitting there, this couple in a little like 2 door
47:28
Fiat RIP into the parking lot and they go straight to the
47:32
front door. Like I'm talking they park in
47:34
the first parking space. It may not even be a parking
47:37
space but they parked right in front of the front door.
47:40
Left there the car on never got out of the car.
47:44
I I I've been there for like 3 minutes and then they tore ass
47:47
into this parking lot. Pass me right to the front door
47:51
and I'm like OK the place is closed or at least it looks
47:55
closed. It's dark on the outside, kind
47:57
of dark in like the main office. It's the weekend.
48:00
Yeah, it's it's 9:00 at night, if not later, like 5 minutes
48:05
pass, they turn around, they leave and I'm like, that was
48:09
weird. But I mean, they might own the
48:11
place. They see me pull in the parking
48:12
lot. They're like, what the fuck is
48:13
this hoodlum doing? I never got out of the car.
48:15
I was just trying to find another station.
48:17
So as soon as I pull out of this fucking repair shop, a actual
48:21
fully kitted out sheriff fucking flies around the corner.
48:27
And I think he's coming from me because they called the cops on
48:31
a what looks like an undercover or a decommissioned cop car
48:35
sitting in their parking lot after hours.
48:37
And I'm like, so I hit the brakes, I roll down the window
48:41
and he just fucking flies past me around this corner.
48:45
And I just watch him go past and I'm like, OK, I guess it wasn't
48:48
for me. And I just leave like all week
48:52
long whenever I drive this thing insane chaos just follows it.
49:00
And that's like we rolled through a, a Murphy's with that
49:05
had the right gas and these two girls were in the Murphy station
49:10
literally like they parked their cars in the fucking driving
49:13
area. Like you know how you leave the
49:15
pump area and then you go into the parking lot and there's a
49:18
driving Rd. like parking lot driving space.
49:22
They parked their cars like diagonal in that fucking space,
49:27
like where people are driving their cars.
49:29
So they have to go around their car and drive into the parking
49:32
spots and then drive around them.
49:34
I'm like, of course, fucking South Carolina, right?
49:37
So I go to pull out of the pump and she's literally like
49:41
twerking on her girlfriend, like on the floor in the fucking area
49:47
where people are trying to drive.
49:49
She sees me, stands up real quick, gets real tight and goes
49:54
and her girlfriend looks right at me.
49:56
And they were like, and they looked right at me like that.
49:59
They quit turking, they quit fucking around.
50:00
And they just like kind of stared and watched at me for a
50:03
while. And then I just drove past.
50:05
And I have no idea what happened after that.
50:07
But yeah, it's. It's fucking narc.
50:11
It's an immediate reaction and I love it.
50:14
Everybody shapes up, everybody gets the fuck out of the way.
50:18
Nobody tailgates you. I I did find out you lose your
50:22
superpowers when you go over the state line because the tag does
50:25
say South Carolina. So people in Georgia don't give
50:28
a fuck. Well to be fair, people in
50:32
Georgia don't give a fuck unless it's a blue car because then
50:37
they know it's the. GSPG.
50:39
HP and they're like fuck no, If you were to have that like Navy
50:45
or like the what is it like dark royal blue paint color on that,
50:50
I guarantee you they wouldn't even care about the license
50:52
plate. They would have caught chaos,
50:55
guarantee it. I think.
50:57
I think I would rather be surrounded by like 7 FHP
51:01
chargers than like 2 GSP. 11. Yeah, like they are like they
51:08
are insane. It's it's incredible.
51:12
They're crazy. So I have something if you're
51:16
done with your stories for this week.
51:19
Oh, if I'm no, yeah, that was it.
51:23
I just, I'm probably going to have a reoccurring segment of
51:26
the chaos that this car is bringing me.
51:28
It's just insane. Everywhere I go, everything I
51:31
do, people are just like. You're missing a segment, by the
51:35
way. I am sorry, Ryan, I cut you off.
51:38
You had said like 3-2 or three episodes ago that you were going
51:45
to give us those state things. State.
51:47
Things. Which one's that?
51:49
What you think that the states are known for.
51:52
Oh yeah, my list. I have been busy.
51:55
Anyways. I'll give you 3 at the end.
51:58
I have. I have a segment that will be
52:02
maybe reoccurring if I can find enough for it, but I want to
52:06
play a game with you too. It's going to be is it a real
52:10
headline or is it a Babylon B headline?
52:14
I'm going to give you 2. Headlines that I want you to.
52:17
Babylon B is like the Onion back when the Onion was good.
52:22
What's that? It's it's a fake article or fake
52:27
newspaper. Like satire?
52:29
Yeah, satire and they just make random shit up.
52:34
So this one will be easy hopefully.
52:38
But basically the idea. Is.
52:40
You never know nowadays. Yeah, I will find a news article
52:44
that sounds fake that way, you know, and compare it to an
52:50
actual Babylon B. So you have to pick out which
52:52
one is the real 1 and which one is the Babylon B article.
52:57
And this stems from that cornhole player that was a
53:03
quadruple amputee that shot somebody.
53:05
So that's that's where this is coming from.
53:08
So the first headline Taco Bell worker accused of shooting
53:14
customers over soda and water cup.
53:18
True. True.
53:22
Second one pitching machine tosses no hitter against local
53:25
dad. Say that again.
53:29
Pitching machine tosses no hitter against local dad.
53:34
True. Which one is the Babylon?
53:38
Beyond like a thing. Yeah, the the thing that like.
53:44
At the batting cages. Which one?
53:46
Which one is? The real 1 and which one is the
53:48
Babylon Bee article? The real 1 is the Taco Bell 1.
53:56
I think the same, yeah. You would be correct.
54:00
So this happened in Orlando, Yeah.
54:04
Sounds. Not right, not not Orlando in
54:06
West Palm Beach, of course it would be Florida.
54:09
Oh. Even Fuck that's so.
54:11
Much different. And it couldn't be.
54:13
Less similar. Yeah, it.
54:15
Is I saw it. I saw.
54:16
It from a days. I saw it from an Orlando news.
54:21
Article first. Yeah, Taco Bell employee in
54:26
Florida is accused of shooting at 3 customers this week after
54:30
one of them attempted to fill a water cup with soda.
54:34
Do you remember when we were in West Palm Beach and apparently,
54:40
like, the president was there and like there was act like
54:44
talks about guns or some shit like that?
54:48
No, no, maybe you weren't there. I say he's there all the time.
54:53
That's where he lives. Key Largo.
54:55
Nope. No, Nope.
54:58
No, Nope. Not at all.
55:01
No, not Key Largo. Key Largo is in the keys.
55:06
Does he not have a place in Key Largo?
55:08
I mean, he might, but that's not where he lives.
55:11
He does not live there. Key Largo?
55:14
No, you're right, He does not live in Key Largo.
55:18
Palm Beach. Yeah.
55:21
And I live near there. Yeah, you were like 30 minutes.
55:25
You could have gone to the Country Club.
55:27
No, I'd be in temp #3. Mar a Lago, OK, we got to cut
55:34
that. We have to cut that.
55:39
I meant to shake his hand. Forget it.
55:53
So the other thing that happened fairly recently this happened
55:59
the 23rd is when this this was at chaos erupts on I-4 after
56:07
erratic driver smashes guardrail, loses tyre and keeps
56:11
going. Oh, you mean?
56:14
Justin. So this dude, this dude 47 year
56:20
old is facing DUI charges and leaving the scene of a crash
56:26
because as he's driving, and this is one of the the new
56:33
Silverado 15 hundreds jacked up like beautiful truck.
56:40
He erratically was driving, swerving, ended up hitting a
56:44
guardrail, knocking the wheel completely off the truck.
56:48
The front wheel, front driver side wheel.
56:50
So he's at an angle with the front of the truck scraping
56:55
against the ground because there's no wheel there anymore.
56:59
And he's continuing driving. There are video from the other
57:03
side of the Interstate where he's passing because people see
57:06
this coming up and they're like, there's no way this is real.
57:10
But yeah, that happened on I-4IN in Seminole County last.
57:18
Yeah. What?
57:19
Last week, surprise, surprise. Yeah.
57:22
So there's not a single story that comes out where I'm like,
57:26
no, that doesn't sound like us. Nope.
57:32
It's, it was wild. So I, I wanted to share that
57:38
with you and share the, the Taco Bell employee.
57:43
Honestly, I get it. I understand.
57:47
It's like people are annoying the crap out of me as a service
57:51
worker, so it's like if I could get them to stop in any way
57:58
possible, absolutely, because they are quite annoying.
58:02
Who's that, Brian? Well, I'm talking about as a
58:09
service worker, the customers in general, because not once, not
58:16
once did I say any race or anything like that because guess
58:20
what races are like that You are saying it.
58:26
I want you. I want you to go into episode 37
58:29
media on the Discord. I want you to click on.
58:33
That link. Yes, this is 37.
58:37
I said 35. Oh well, this is 37.
58:43
You are. Did nobody hear what I said?
58:46
No, I didn't hear it 30. Five and I I said 35.
58:49
Yeah, I thought it was 35. No, this is 37 dude.
58:52
We did 36 last week. You said 36 last week.
58:58
I woke up 12 minutes before the episode.
59:04
So I want you to click on that mystateline.com article in
59:09
episode 37. It's open.
59:11
It's open. In the second paragraph at the
59:14
very bottom, say that name. Paragraph at the very.
59:21
Bottom of the second paragraph. Nope.
59:24
Up, up, up, up, up. I found it.
59:29
Demeri, Jaquan, Patterson, Demari.
59:33
Sorry. Huh.
59:39
Demari, Jaquan Patterson. Also, I want to go out on a limb
59:45
and say anybody calling the wet spot racist is the reason for
59:49
the issue that happened this weekend.
59:51
The what? Anybody that calls the wet spot
59:56
in Sanford racist is the reason for the altercation this
1:00:01
weekend. I.
1:00:03
Have no idea what you. What's the wet spot?
1:00:06
I thought you said something else and I was like.
1:00:08
It's a bar Insane. For on fucking recess.
1:00:12
Oh, OK. On Park Street, right there by
1:00:16
first. It's right next to the alley.
1:00:18
And yeah, there was an altercation where?
1:00:26
OK. A bunch.
1:00:27
She's going. To tell us.
1:00:30
There was an altercation where a bunch of people started fighting
1:00:33
and then those people went and started calling that bar racist
1:00:38
for them getting arrested for fighting.
1:00:48
Yeah. That's Sanford.
1:00:51
Yeah. So all I'm saying is wet spot is
1:00:55
not racist happy. You could have said any, any bar
1:00:59
name in Sanford. Oh yeah, absolutely and
1:01:01
absolutely. It's all the same shit.
1:01:03
It's all the same shit so. Well, I have things.
1:01:09
All right, say your things. Say your piece.
1:01:12
I have things. Her bits.
1:01:15
So. So before I tell my stories, I
1:01:23
have, because it's going to be June when this comes out, is it?
1:01:30
I have some things that's going to be happening, yeah, right.
1:01:34
Or 4 episodes right? Something like that.
1:01:41
It'll be closer to June than it is right now.
1:01:46
It'll be. Close if we're 30.
1:01:47
Sevens right now, correct? Yeah.
1:01:50
Especially if we're 37. Couple days to mark on your
1:01:53
calendars Ryan. So June 1st is dare day and flip
1:02:00
a coin day. June 2nd leave the office early
1:02:04
day. June 3rd is Repeat Day and then
1:02:10
June 4th is Hug Your Cat and National Cheese Day.
1:02:15
I get the last one, what the fuck does the other ones even
1:02:18
mean? So this one it what's this one
1:02:22
it I'm what I have written down is from Gemini and it talks
1:02:28
about what we could do for a segment on the podcast.
1:02:31
So it doesn't really explain it. What the fuck?
1:02:35
What? OK, so June 1st.
1:02:38
Perfect for a segment where you let a coin toss decide your
1:02:42
takes on controversial topics to the rest of the show.
1:02:48
Leave the office early. A great time to discuss the
1:02:52
death of nine to five or quiet quitting trends.
1:02:57
June 3rd. I'm not going to say that
1:02:59
because I think it would be fucking hilarious for us to do.
1:03:05
June 4th these National Cat Day and National Cheese Day.
1:03:10
These are the internet's two favorite things.
1:03:13
A cat versus cheese debate is low hanging, high engagement
1:03:17
fruit. Are you pitching ideas right?
1:03:22
Now no, I'm just saying this is like what I found.
1:03:25
OK. So this is coming out the 28th
1:03:29
of of May. So this is perfect timing.
1:03:32
Close to it where's that other one?
1:03:38
I thought there was another one umm it's also I, I don't think
1:03:43
I, I saved it, but I remembered it umm June 6th is uh D-Day, so
1:03:53
it's like. USAU.
1:03:55
SA and then, uh, within the first week of June.
1:04:01
Get fucking this, Marilyn Monroe's 100th anniversary of
1:04:08
her birth. Wow.
1:04:12
Get the fuck out anyways. But I have two stories and I'm
1:04:17
going to save the best one for last.
1:04:20
The first one is for Ryan. So I listen to a podcast and
1:04:29
she's amazing. I'm a I'm a free shout amount on
1:04:31
go book Crime Junkie with Ashley Flowers and Britt.
1:04:36
That's how they go. They do amazing podcasts.
1:04:44
Amazing. I've been listening to them and
1:04:49
only them really for podcasts and the other ones the two
1:04:53
British guys. And us?
1:04:57
Not really. She listens to us every.
1:04:59
Fucking day. Every day.
1:05:02
But their podcast is Crime Junkie and the Deck, and they do
1:05:09
a whole bunch of other stuff too.
1:05:11
Last night I was listening to their old podcast on their I
1:05:16
actually like like paid subscription for them and listen
1:05:25
to Edgar Allan Poe shit. And then I listened today to try
1:05:31
to keep me awake. Was like, creepypasta kind of
1:05:34
shit, right? So I was going to come in and be
1:05:37
like, oh, we should do creepypastas.
1:05:39
And then I realized creepypastas are really fucking long.
1:05:43
I'm not going to do creepypastas.
1:05:45
So I was looking up shorthand summertime creepypastas.
1:05:53
I ended up finding that there are autistic creepypastas.
1:06:00
Yeah, it's not really all that surprising.
1:06:03
So Ryan, this is for you. I'm just kidding.
1:06:07
I'm just kidding. So it's, it's a little long, not
1:06:11
that long, but I'll read it quick.
1:06:13
So I found it on Reddit. It says I sometimes like to
1:06:17
leave my autistic son outside in the middle of some random area
1:06:21
all on his own. I sometimes like to leave my
1:06:26
highly autistic child outside all in his own in the middle of
1:06:29
some random area. I would say that I'm going to
1:06:32
shop but instead I stand somewhere far away but I can
1:06:35
still see him. I just observed my autistic son
1:06:38
just standing there in the rain, cold or boiling hot weather.
1:06:43
He always looks like a lost little lamb.
1:06:45
I remember my yoga training and I go to a weird kind of yoga
1:06:50
class. This yoga class makes you do
1:06:52
yoga positions and meditation while someone is being tortured
1:06:56
in the middle of the mats. Our aim is to ignore the pleas
1:07:00
and cries for help from the tortured individual and every
1:07:04
session I feel so enlightened. Sometimes the yoga teacher has
1:07:07
the ability to twist her head 360° degrees and float in the
1:07:11
air, but she is a fantastic yoga teacher.
1:07:14
Now I now as now as I observe my autistic son just standing all
1:07:20
on his own looking lost. He isn't crying out for help
1:07:23
because he simply doesn't know what to do.
1:07:25
Then as hours go by, people come out of their houses and they ask
1:07:29
him who he is and what he is doing and they can tell that he
1:07:33
is not of sign. Sound mind.
1:07:36
Where'd it go? I use my yoga training to ignore
1:07:39
the problem. As more people gather around my
1:07:41
autistic son, they are also concerned for him and I am just
1:07:44
observing the situation. Then I remember a yoga session
1:07:48
where the yoga teacher seemed to snap out of something and she
1:07:51
was now crying for help. We all used our yoga training to
1:07:54
ignore her please. But then something started to
1:07:56
affect another yoga student. Then that yoga student stood up
1:08:01
and she wasn't herself anymore. And she started torturing the
1:08:03
yoga teacher who is now crying for help.
1:08:06
Our yoga training was to meditate while ignoring cries
1:08:08
for help. And that yoga student was now
1:08:10
our new yoga teacher and she could now twist her head 360°
1:08:15
and float in the air. Now to the story at hand.
1:08:18
There was a large gathering around my son and I thought that
1:08:21
it was time to get him. I had an excuse built in my head
1:08:25
at what I was going to say to the people as to why my autistic
1:08:29
son was left outside. Then as I got up I saw someone
1:08:32
else who looked exactly like like me and they had grabbed my
1:08:36
son and were crying and being all apologetic.
1:08:39
The crowd of people were happy my autistic child had a parent.
1:08:42
Then I saw whatever looked like me take my autistic son.
1:08:45
Now in yoga class, I meditate while listening to someone
1:08:48
getting tortured and wonder whether my autistic son is OK or
1:08:52
not. Hated that.
1:08:56
Damn. Y'all gross, but you're gonna
1:08:59
love this one. Oh, am I?
1:09:02
I don't believe you. We can end, we can end it after
1:09:05
this one 'cause this. Is why you're depressed.
1:09:07
Y'all aren't. I know y'all aren't even going
1:09:11
to know what to do with yourself.
1:09:12
I'm not going to give an explanation other than may the
1:09:17
fourth be with y'all and remember what you said earlier
1:09:21
today. Gluggins 3000, right?
1:09:24
Gluck Gluck, 3000. There you go.
1:09:28
Good. So it is a story about Star
1:09:34
Wars. That's all I'm going to say.
1:09:37
The binary hum of the Millennium Falcon hold.
1:09:41
The Millennium Falcons hold was the only sound in the dim light
1:09:45
of the sub levels. While the organic crew slept in
1:09:48
their bunks, dreaming of revolutions in spite runs, two
1:09:52
figures remain perpetually awake.
1:09:55
Bathed in the soft, rhythmic glow of status indicators, C3PO
1:10:01
stood stiffly against the recharging station.
1:10:04
His golden plating. His golden plating reflected the
1:10:08
flickering blue light, the flickering blue light of a
1:10:17
nearby console. He was fretting, as was his
1:10:22
primary function, polishing a smudge on his thigh actuator
1:10:26
with frantic circular motions. Oh dear. 3 3PO fretted his vocal
1:10:32
processors tight with digital anxiety.
1:10:36
This humidity is doing wonders for my internal oxidation.
1:10:40
I simply feel uncalibrated. A low, resonant whistle.
1:10:49
Ryan just shakes his. Head a low, resonant whistle.
1:10:53
Kidding. I, I I.
1:11:01
She can't read. Guys.
1:11:06
A low, resonant whistle vibrated through the floor plating.
1:11:10
RTD 2 rolled out from the shadows of a storage crate, his
1:11:14
doom spinning with a slow, deliberate click.
1:11:18
He stopped inches from Three PO's feet, his front lens tilted
1:11:22
upward. Where'd it go?
1:11:26
Now is not the time for your cheekiness.
1:11:28
R23PO huffed through, though he didn't pull away.
1:11:33
I'm in a state of extreme distress.
1:11:36
Archie didn't beep a sassy retort.
1:11:38
Instead, he extended a manipulator arm, the hydraulic
1:11:42
his sounding unusually soft in the quiet hold.
1:11:46
He didn't reach for the computer interface, and he's reading
1:11:52
ahead. Stop.
1:12:00
That's a fucking R2, no? Fanfare.
1:12:03
No. Instead, he gently brushed the
1:12:06
tip of the tool against the seam OF3PO's waist, bearing 3PO's
1:12:13
Cooling. She can't read. 3PO's pulling
1:12:22
fan kicked on with a sudden audible war.
1:12:25
R2, whatever you owe. Oh my.
1:12:29
The astromech began a low frequency oscillation, A
1:12:33
rhythmic purr that bypassed 3PO's auditory sensors and went
1:12:38
straight to his chassis. It was a frequent his chassis,
1:12:44
is that right? I hear you.
1:12:46
It's just a crazy. I looked it up, 'cause it it, it
1:12:50
reads chassis chassis. I wanted to make sure I got this
1:12:55
right. It was a frequency designated to
1:12:59
soothe frantic circuits, a deep magnetic resonance that made
1:13:03
three POS gold tinted logic press processor stutter.
1:13:09
Like me. R2 moved closer, his chassis
1:13:15
bumping against 3PO's leg. He projected a soft, soft
1:13:19
holographic glow. Not a map or a schematic, but a
1:13:23
nebula of swirling warm ambers and deep violets that enveloped
1:13:28
them both in a private shimmering cloud.
1:13:32
I, I feel quite strange. 3PO whispered, his servos locking as
1:13:37
R2's manipulator arm traced the sensitive wiring at the back of
1:13:42
his neck. My logic sensors are reporting a
1:13:45
surge in voltage that is quite that is quite outside of safety
1:13:50
parameters. Ryan's face the whole time is
1:13:56
the funniest. Disgusting.
1:13:57
It's so good. It's so good.
1:14:01
R2 let out a series of melodic, trilling whistles, a binary poem
1:14:07
about deep space and the way Starlight reflected off gold.
1:14:11
He nudged. He nudged 3PO again, harder,
1:14:16
harder this time, his Dome spinning at a dizzying,
1:14:19
flirtatious blur. Leaning down, or as much as his
1:14:23
rigid frame allowed, Three PO rested a golden hand on R2R2's
1:14:28
cold white plating. You always wear a reckless
1:14:31
little astromech. He murmured, his optical sensors
1:14:36
dimming a heavy warm orange in the darkness of the hold.
1:14:42
The two droids stood locked in a silent exchange of data packets
1:14:46
and magnetic pulses. There are no words, only the
1:14:51
heat of overclocked processors and the perfect synchronized hum
1:14:56
of 2 sparks finally finding the same frequency.
1:15:00
R2 through PO side. His voice a low static.
1:15:05
Don't ever stop. What the fuck was that?
1:15:16
I tried. May the fourth be with you.
1:15:18
So hard to look for fanfic and there was no romantic fanfic so
1:15:26
I asked Gemini to do it and that was all from Gemini.
1:15:29
Dude, Gemini. Is a fucking freak.
1:15:34
It's weird how they just replaced Ryan and I's name with
1:15:37
C3PO and R2. D2 Who's with?
1:15:40
I am so done with this podcast. I hate this SO.
1:15:44
Much. That's literally what happens
1:15:46
with me and Ryan. We just transfer data packets
1:15:48
back and forth. This is This is true.
1:15:51
This is true. Oh my God, the bandwidth.
1:16:01
Ricky Ticky Bobbin Bobbin. I thought that was pretty good.
1:16:05
I hate that one so much. I think I'm going to cut it down
1:16:09
to just the Ricky Ticky bobbin wobbin thing.
1:16:13
And that's all I had. I don't have anything else.
1:16:16
I can't. I can't do anymore.
1:16:21
Do you have a porn comment or a no?
1:16:24
No. He was asleep.
1:16:27
But stand asleep all. Right.
1:16:30
So with that, may the fourth be with you all.
1:16:36
Hopefully you're your what you call them.
1:16:39
Your processors are warmed. And please don't unsubscribe.
1:16:50
Don't ever stop. Hated it.