Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Raising Capable Kids Without Constant Control

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Raising Capable Kids Without Constant Control · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast an Zac
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Day tomorrow. Hopefully today's episode is going to help you
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: to sail through the weekend and make your family sale.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Am I am? I trying to hard? Start trying, so
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I'm compensating, you know why, because I have a confession.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Today's I'll do better tomorrow episode. I'm just getting some
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: stuff wrong at the moment. I'm wrong. I'm right, but
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: I'm wrong in that I'm right. Does that make sense?
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Sometimes as a parent, you put in an impossible position
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: where you know that what you're saying is right, but
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  Speaker 1: it's still not working anyway. I need to unpack that.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: This is going to be my very special therapy session today, Kylie.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: You've got more good news about how families can work
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: well and we're going to unpack that right after this. Hello,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day where Australia is my downloaded
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: parenting podcast, and we thank you so much for chiming in, listening,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: in being part of what we do here. My name
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: is doctor Justin Courson, who with my wife from Under
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Our six Kids, Kylie, Misusappy Families and hun you're up
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: first today, because yours is the good news story. Mine
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: is the oh my goodness, the parenting expert is still
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: struggling to get this right stuff. Where do you want
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: to go with your old do better tomorrow today?
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  Speaker 2: I am blown away with how many conversations I've had
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  Speaker 2: of late of families who are just really struggling challenges with,
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  Speaker 2: you know, kind of an unwillingness to forgive let go.
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  Speaker 1: So when you say families are struggling, you're actually not
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  Speaker 1: talking about parents and children in the family that you've
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  Speaker 1: created with your own kids. You're talking about families where
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  Speaker 1: brothers and sisters who are adults are struggling with each
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  Speaker 1: other or with their parents who are our grandparents, right
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  Speaker 1: like the adult side of the family.
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  Speaker 2: And the common theme that I keep hearing is I
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  Speaker 2: never thought our family would find themselves in this position.
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  Speaker 2: You know, when we kind of look back at the
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  Speaker 2: lives that we've had and the experiences that we've shared together,
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  Speaker 2: there just was so much joy and closeness that it's
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  Speaker 2: hard to imagine that they'd found themselves in this place.
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  Speaker 2: And it just got me thinking about the things that
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  Speaker 2: we do in our own family. You and I and
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  Speaker 2: the way in which we bring our kids together. And
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  Speaker 2: this week we had a little bit of a milestone
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  Speaker 2: in our house. Our baby turned twelve.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I know.
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  Speaker 2: And the kids actually created this tradition all on their own.
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  Speaker 2: We don't know how it started me, but when they
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  Speaker 2: turned twelve, twelve, when they turned twelve, their sisters all
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: come together so that they can watch She's the Man.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, which is a movie that I don't need to
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  Speaker 1: ever see again. But the kids watch it and they
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  Speaker 1: crack all the big kids.
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  Speaker 2: They know all the lines. We had so much fun
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  Speaker 2: watching it together and introducing it to Emily. And in
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  Speaker 2: all seriousness, it's a nothing moment. It's a nothing moment.
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  Speaker 2: There's nothing particularly special about that movie and this moment
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  Speaker 2: in time.
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  Speaker 1: It's just the kids sitting around watching a movie to
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  Speaker 1: celebrate someone's birthday.
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  Speaker 2: But it is special.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And that's the crazy thing. There's nothing in it and
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  Speaker 2: yet there's everything in it. And as I have talked
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  Speaker 2: with our children over and over again, so the thing is,
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  Speaker 2: in family life, it's really messy, right, It gets really
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  Speaker 2: messy at times, and sometimes it actually looks downright ugly,
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  Speaker 2: and we have these little spats with each other and
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  Speaker 2: we get upset, and then we come together for family dinner,
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  Speaker 2: and then we go away and we deviate a little
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  Speaker 2: bit and we have some more spats, and then we
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: come back for a birthday tradition, and then we go
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  Speaker 2: away and things get a little bit messy again, and
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  Speaker 2: then we come back. It's just it's this realignment. Every
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  Speaker 2: time we pull each other together, we realign and restate
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  Speaker 2: without having to say the words what our family values
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  Speaker 2: are and what we hope for and want for in
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  Speaker 2: our family. And as we went through the Easter weekend,
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  Speaker 2: it just gave me some time to think about those
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  Speaker 2: little moments where you and I help the children and
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  Speaker 2: help our family in general recalibrate.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a conversation that we've had a number of
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  Speaker 1: times on the pod that bears repeating here. It ties
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  Speaker 1: in perfectly with what you're describing, and that is that, yes,
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  Speaker 1: it's really important to help the kids to learn how
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  Speaker 1: to get along. But there will invariably be offense given
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  Speaker 1: and taken. There will invariably be somebody who is upset
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  Speaker 1: by something, and the most effective thing that we can
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  Speaker 1: do as parents is to teach the power of effective repair.
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  Speaker 1: Right so teaching someone how to say sorry, how to
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  Speaker 1: repent to their brother or sister, how to literally say
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  Speaker 1: I got it wrong and I need to fix this.
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  Speaker 1: I need to make this right, because my relationship with
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  Speaker 1: you is more important than my pride over this particular issue.
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  Speaker 1: It's the repair and then the breakdown, and then the repair,
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  Speaker 1: this cycle that goes on and on and on. Teaching
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  Speaker 1: them how to repair well is that, I think one
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  Speaker 1: of the most critical and valuable secrets to a happy family.
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  Speaker 2: And so when I think back to these conversations that
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  Speaker 2: I am having more regularly than I would like to
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  Speaker 2: have with people who are just devastated by the contention
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  Speaker 2: and distance that has been created in their own families,
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  Speaker 2: the one thing that I hold on to within our
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  Speaker 2: own little family is the fact that you can't take
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  Speaker 2: a holiday from family life right as much as you
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  Speaker 2: want to. When it gets messy in it gets hard,
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes we wish we could just pack our bags and
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  Speaker 2: leave it all behind. But it's about the recalibration, and
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  Speaker 2: it's about coming back to each other time and time again.
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  Speaker 2: It's about the intention of finding these little nothing moments
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  Speaker 2: and creating something magical out of them that helps to
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  Speaker 2: literally weave hundreds and hundreds of threads of togetherness and
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  Speaker 2: love and connection that hopefully bind us together forever.
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  Speaker 1: So well said, hopefully this weekend, we'll give everybody loads
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  Speaker 1: of opportunities to do that. It's a great chance to
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  Speaker 1: breathe and connect and do exactly that. After the break
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  Speaker 1: my I'll do better tomorrow where I keep on stepping
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  Speaker 1: in it, and as the parenting expert, I know better.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm dealing with a tension that I don't know
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  Speaker 1: how to grapple with effectively, and I'm going to try
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  Speaker 1: and break it down on the pod that's next. We're back.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast. All right, Kylie. So
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  Speaker 1: here's the confession. Over the last couple of weeks, I've
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: been a bit of a task master, probably more than
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: a bit of a task master. I've been on the
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  Speaker 1: kid's case about productivity. Stop wasting time, get off the screen,
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  Speaker 1: do something useful. When you tell me you're going to
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  Speaker 1: clean up the kitchen, white, don't you clean up the
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  Speaker 1: whole kitchen? Why do you only put six things away?
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  Speaker 1: And then you get distracted and I can feel the
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  Speaker 1: tension that's creating, and it seems as though nobody else
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  Speaker 1: in the house thinks that these things are as important
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  Speaker 1: as I do. But to me, these things feel warranted
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  Speaker 1: because I look at them gaming or staring at a
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  Speaker 1: screen doing nothing, and I feel this urgency like, hello,
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  Speaker 1: you are wasting your life. Do you know what I mean.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: It's a beautiful day. We live not too far away
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: from the beach, and I'm sort of looking at the
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: kids and going, why would you be sitting here in
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  Speaker 1: your bedroom, in the dining room, in the living room,
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  Speaker 1: wherever you are, doing nothing when you can go outside
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  Speaker 1: and you can enjoy the sunshine. The water is beautiful
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  Speaker 1: because we live in Queensland and there's you can still
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  Speaker 1: wear your regular swimmers in the water. We've got a
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  Speaker 1: swimming pool in the backyard.
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  Speaker 2: Ah.
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  Speaker 1: And it just drives me crazy. And I know where
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  Speaker 1: this comes from because it's how I was raised and
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  Speaker 1: it's also how I live. I don't have time to
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  Speaker 1: sit around and do nothing. There's always, always, always, not
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  Speaker 1: just something to do, dozens of things to do. My
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  Speaker 1: list is expanding, and there's always something to improve, and
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  Speaker 1: there's always something to build, whether it's a workshop or
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  Speaker 1: a book chapter or a newsletter or whatever. And so
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  Speaker 1: this week, I've been asking myself, am I helping them?
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  Speaker 1: Or or am I just making them feel like they're
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  Speaker 1: not enough? And you've certainly been helping me to ask
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  Speaker 1: that question.
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  Speaker 2: When I hear sharing so often. So much of the
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  Speaker 2: conflict that we have speaking personally in our home actually
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: comes from this desire to connect with goodness. You're seeing
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  Speaker 2: the kids not utilizing the gear, that they're in zombie mode,
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  Speaker 2: that they're in zombie mode, and outside if they just
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  Speaker 2: went in touch grass, swim in the water, got some sunshine.
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  Speaker 1: Like I look at them when they're miserable and cranky
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  Speaker 1: and angry, and I'm like, if you would just go
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  Speaker 1: and move your body, if you just go and be
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  Speaker 1: a human instead of being a zombie, you would feel
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  Speaker 1: so much better.
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  Speaker 2: Right, But there's this tension with the whole idea of
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  Speaker 2: force creates resistance. Right, So as soon as your good
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  Speaker 2: intention feels like a forced expectation placed on them, then
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  Speaker 2: the natural response from anyone, regardless of whether they're a child,
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  Speaker 2: a teenager, or an adult.
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  Speaker 1: Is you can't tell me what to do, yes, pushback.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not doing that.
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  Speaker 1: So I've seen this is that there are two compeding realities.
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  Speaker 1: Are truths. It's truth too strong Wood Number one, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not wrong to care about this, Like screens are addictive,
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  Speaker 1: gaming can be a black hole, and there is something
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  Speaker 1: valuable to be learned from being productive and managing your
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  Speaker 1: time and using your hours well, like living a life
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  Speaker 1: well lived. I'm right about that. And I want the
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  Speaker 1: kids to understand, to really get it in their bones,
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  Speaker 1: that their time is finite. And I know that that's
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  Speaker 1: a really big concept for a child to grasp, but
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  Speaker 1: how you spend your time matters, and sitting and scrolling
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  Speaker 1: for hours, especially when there are other things that you
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  Speaker 1: could be learning or creating or contributing. It's not neutral.
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  Speaker 1: It's a choice. They've got their guitar and the piano
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  Speaker 1: and the drums, they've got the resources, and I don't
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  Speaker 1: think that it's wrong to teach them about that. It's
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  Speaker 1: not even about maximization and productivity. It's just about teaching
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  Speaker 1: them good things. But the contrust is that the way
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  Speaker 1: I'm doing it, as you've said, isn't working because when
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  Speaker 1: I'm constantly on them about it, and when i'm the
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: screen police, and when i'm I don't know, when every
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: interaction feels like I am critiquing how they live their lives.
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  Speaker 1: They're not learning self regulation. What they're learning, realistically is
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: to resent me. So the irony of my approach is
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  Speaker 1: that I'm actually underminding the very thing that I'm trying
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  Speaker 1: to teach them. I want them to manage their own time,
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  Speaker 1: and yet I'm the enforcer, which means they never get
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: to develop the skill that I want them to develop
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: because I'm the one that's making them go and do it.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: If that makes sense. That's the tension.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I feel like this has been a really good session.
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  Speaker 1: Justine, I'm not finished. I've got more to unpack. How
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  Speaker 1: long have I got? So, Kylie, here's the friction. This
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  Speaker 1: is what I'm sitting with. It's really, really, really important
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  Speaker 1: to learn how to manage your time and resist the
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  Speaker 1: pull of endless distraction and choose how you spend your hours.
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  Speaker 1: That's one of the most important things I think we
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  Speaker 1: can teach the kids. What is it that you want
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  Speaker 1: to say? It looks like you're about to pop and
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to back off, right, What is it?
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  Speaker 1: What does it say?
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  Speaker 2: It? Say it you're wanting them to learn a skill
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  Speaker 2: as a fifteen year old or a twelve year old
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  Speaker 2: or even a twenty two year old that you yourself
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  Speaker 2: are learning as a fully functioning, growing up adult who's
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  Speaker 2: had so many years to work this out for themselves.
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  Speaker 2: And that's such a big challenge for us as parents
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: because we see our kids doing this stuff and we're like,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: I know so much better. Like if you had just
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: listened to me, you don't have to go through all
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: the years of wading through the wilderness trying to work
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: it out. I've got the answer, right. But we actually
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: learn through doing, and maybe they have to actually sit
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: in that crappy place for a little bit longer before
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: they go Aha.
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  Speaker 1: I look at me as a teenager, and I spent
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: so much time in front of the TV and so
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: much time in front of the very ordinary video games
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: that we had back in the nineteen eighties and the
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: early nineties, and I get it, and yet I don't.
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  Speaker 1: This is the thing, this is the great challenge.
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  Speaker 2: You're no longer there.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, So let's wrap this up. Our time's done,
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  Speaker 1: And I don't want to turn this into an hour
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  Speaker 1: long therapy session. There is value in teaching kids a
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  Speaker 1: time matters, that how you spend your hours shape who
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: you're going to become. I think that's a reasonable thing.
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  Speaker 1: Productivity and purpose are going to help you to make
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  Speaker 1: the most of your life. This is something that is
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: worth caring about. But like you said, force creates resistance,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: and my insight here, I'll do better tomorrow. My struggle
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  Speaker 1: is that I'm so focused on enforcing it that I've
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  Speaker 1: turned it into a source of tension, and that doesn't
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  Speaker 1: help anyone.
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  Speaker 2: And if we look at the core, the actual core
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: route is that all they hear is that nothing they're
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: doing is good enough, which means that you're constantly correcting
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: instead of connecting. And if you value those things, than
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: the very best thing we can do as parents to
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: help them recognize that is to find a way to
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: connect in that space with them.
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  Speaker 1: Which means doing things together and continuing to just step
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: through it gently and.
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  Speaker 2: Letting go of the two much to do busy list.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes life is just like that anyway. Thanks for
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: letting me get that out, Thanks for listening, Thanks for
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: smiling at me and persisting with me as I have
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: my struggles with the maximization, optimization, productivization of life that
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: we try to push onto our kids. We hope that
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: this conversation helps you to do better tomorrow enjoy your
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: weekend across the ANZAC weekend. The Happy Families podcast is
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media and Mim Hammonds
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: provides our additional research and other support. If you would
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: like more information to make your family happier, especially in
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: relation to our brand new Boys book, It's coming out
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: on June sixteen. You can pre order it now and
• 14:58
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• 15:03
  Speaker 1: More resources at Happy Families dot com dot A.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: M HM