Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / Managing a Boss Who Relies Too Much on You
Transcript
- Lucas: So we’ve done a bunch of episodes on bosses who take, take, take — credit, information, control. But there’s a quieter version of that problem that I think hits closer to home for a lot of people, and it’s the boss who relies on you so much that you’ve essentially become their unofficial manager. Luna: The boss who can’t function without you, but somehow that doesn’t translate into a promotion or even a thank you. Lucas: Exactly. And it’s a tricky spot, because on paper, being the go-to person sounds great. You’re indispensable. But in practice, that can quickly turn into you doing your job plus half of theirs, with no extra pay and no official title. Your performance reviews might even suffer because you’re stretched so thin. Luna: And it’s not just about the hours. It’s the mental load. You’re constantly carrying the project’s context, anticipating their needs, covering for their gaps. Lucas: Right. So let me get specific. I was talking to a project manager at a mid-sized logistics firm — let’s call her Diane. She’s been in her role for three years. Her manager, Greg, is a senior director who is brilliant at strategy but notoriously bad at follow-through. He’d constantly commit to things in meetings, then expect Diane to marshal the resources, chase down the updates, and basically make sure nothing blew up. Luna: So Diane is doing her own job and her manager’s job. Classic. Lucas: And here’s the thing — it worked. The team hit its targets. Greg looked great. Diane got a ‘solid’ rating, but no promotion, no title change, and no meaningful raise. And she was burning out. She told me she felt like she was ‘too good at her job’ to be promoted. Luna: That’s the trap, isn’t it? You’re so effective at covering for them that they have no incentive to change. And you’ve made yourself too valuable in the current role to move up. Lucas: Exactly. So what Diane needed — and what I think many listeners might need — is a way to reset that dynamic without getting fired or ruining the relationship. And there’s a specific playbook that can work. Luna: Okay, let’s hear it. Because I know people who are in this exact spot, including me at one point. Lucas: So the first step is to recognize the signals. You’re not just helping out; you’re a crutch. A few red flags: your boss asks you questions they should know the answer to, you’re cc’d on every email as the ‘action owner’ for their commitments, and you’re spending more time on their tasks than on your own core deliverables. Luna: And the most telling sign is when other people come to you first — not your boss — because they know you’re the one who actually gets things done. Lucas: That’s a big one. So once you’ve identified that you’re in this pattern, the next step is to start documenting. For a week, track every task you do that falls outside your official job description. Note who asked, what it was, and how long it took. You don’t have to be obsessive, but you need a clear picture of the gap. Luna: So you’re building evidence, not just a vague feeling of being overworked. Lucas: Exactly. Because the conversation that follows is much stronger when you can say, ‘I spent eleven hours this week on tasks that came from your direct requests, and that’s about a third of my bandwidth.’ And then you need to have that conversation. Luna: But how do you even start that without sounding like you’re complaining or not a team player? Lucas: The framing is everything. You don’t go in and say, ‘You’re overloading me.’ You go in with a focus on prioritization and the team’s goals. Something like, ‘I want to make sure I’m putting my energy where it’s most valuable. Here’s what I’m working on — can we look at my priorities together?’ Luna: That’s smart. You’re not saying no; you’re asking them to help you make trade-offs, which is literally their job as a manager. Lucas: And then you bring your list. You say, ‘I’ve been handling these requests from you and other stakeholders. I want to make sure we’re aligned on what my core deliverables are, and what can maybe be delegated or deprioritized.’ That puts the decision on them, and it forces them to acknowledge the workload. Luna: What if they push back and say, ‘But you’re the only one who can do this’? Lucas: That’s when you use the redirect. You say, ‘I appreciate that, and I want to help. But if I keep doing this, something else has to give. Would you rather I shift these two tasks, or can we find a temporary resource to cover this one?’ You’re making the trade-off explicit. Luna: So you’re not refusing; you’re forcing a prioritization conversation. That’s the key. Lucas: And that’s where a lot of people get stuck, because they’re afraid of seeming difficult. But think about it: if Diane doesn’t have that conversation, she’s going to burn out and eventually quit. And then Greg has a real problem. Luna: And on the topic of burn out and quitting — you know, one of the reasons we can talk about this openly is that we don’t have to worry about ad revenue or pleasing a sponsor. This show is listener-supported, and it’s genuinely a couple of dollars a month that keeps us going. If you’ve gotten something out of this conversation or any episode, buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo helps us keep the lights on. Lucas: Yeah, it’s small amount, but it adds up and lets us stay independent. No ads, no agenda — just the business and career topics you actually want to hear. Luna: So back to Diane. She had that conversation with Greg, and he actually responded well — he acknowledged he hadn’t realized how much he was leaning on her. They agreed to reassign two of her tasks to a junior team member, and Diane started a weekly check-in with Greg to review priorities. Lucas: That’s a realistic best case. But it’s not always that smooth. Some bosses will get defensive. If that happens, you might need to escalate the conversation — ask for a meeting with your boss and their boss, framed as a ‘workload alignment’ issue. That’s a real move, not a threat. Luna: And you’d bring your documentation to that meeting, right? Lucas: Absolutely. You show the list of tasks, the hours, and how it’s impacting your core role. You’re not complaining about your boss; you’re presenting a structural problem that needs a solution. Luna: That sounds professional, but also really hard. How do you keep from getting emotional? Lucas: You practice. You write down the key points, and you rehearse them so you can say them without reading from a script. And you keep it factual. ‘In the last four weeks, I’ve spent an average of ten hours a week on tasks outside my role. Here are three examples. I want to be excellent at my job, and I need your help to make that sustainable.’ Luna: That’s a powerful script. It’s not aggressive, but it’s not weak either. Lucas: The goal is to reset expectations so you’re not the crutch anymore. You want to be a valued team member, but not the one who’s doing everyone else’s job. And over time, that can actually make you more indispensable in the right way — because you’re strategic about what you take on, and you’re developing others to share the load. Luna: And we should mention that this isn’t just about avoiding burnout. It’s about positioning yourself for the next step. When you’re drowning in someone else’s work, you don’t have time to develop your own skills or visibility. Lucas: Exactly. Diane eventually got promoted — not because she kept doing Greg’s job, but because she showed she could manage priorities and lead a team. She delegated, she trained others, and she made her own contributions visible. That’s what caught the attention of the higher-ups. Luna: So the takeaway is: don’t let yourself become the invisible engine. You have to make your work visible, and that means saying no to some things so you can say yes to the right things. Lucas: And that’s the real skill. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about being strategic. You’re managing up by helping your boss make better decisions about how to use you. Luna: I love that. So if you’re in that spot right now — the go-to person who’s drowning — start with the documentation, and then have the conversation. You might be surprised how often a good boss is just unaware, not malicious. Lucas: And if they’re not willing to change, that tells you something about the future of that relationship. But that’s a topic for another episode. Luna: Right. For now, maybe just track your tasks for one week and see what you find. That’s a concrete first step. Lucas: Good idea. And if you try it, let us know how it goes. We’re always on the lookout for real stories from the workplace.