Latest / KCMS Spirit 105.3 / All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr - I'm a Psychologist...and I Have ADHD with Beth Capecchi

Transcript

All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr - I'm a Psychologist...and I Have ADHD with Beth Capecchi · KCMS Spirit 105.3

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Purposely, your life, God's purpose.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: More podcasts at Purposely.com.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: I heard this description of ADHD that was a little different.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: And it said that ADHD people have trouble with making decisions.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: They overcommit. They think everything is important. They have trouble prioritizing.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: And they have trouble with time management.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: And when I heard that description, I was literally like,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: all right, case closed. It's for sure. Like I thought
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: I had it, but now I.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Know I have it.
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: Hey friends, I'm Julie Lyles Carr. This is the All
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: Mom Does podcast. And if you are one of our
• 0:40
  Speaker 4: YouTube viewers, you're going to notice that the setup looks
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: a little bit different today. And that is because I
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: have thrown myself headlong, full body back into toddlerhood care
• 0:52
  Speaker 4: in the most extreme Olympic sports. I'm helping my daughter
• 0:55
  Speaker 4: and her husband move into their new home.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: And there are two toddlers involved.
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: And when I tell you that I am relearning the ways,
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: I am relearning the chaos, even though I've got eight
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: kids of my own and I moved with those eight
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: kids several times. Yeah, y'all, this is a whole new
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: level of endurance sport. So you are going to see
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: a little bit different background if you're on YouTube.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: And if you're somebody who usually listens by audio, go
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: check out YouTube.
• 1:23
  Speaker 4: YouTube because it's a really cool little spot that I've
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: been able to put myself in. And that's why I
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: am so grateful that I have a really special guest
• 1:32
  Speaker 4: who has chosen to join me in a little bit.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: Of the chaos.
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: I want you to welcome Beth Capucci. Well, Beth, I
• 1:38
  Speaker 4: was so excited to have you on. We have a
• 1:40
  Speaker 4: wonderful mutual friend whom we both adore. And she kept saying,
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: I've got to get you guys together because Beth has
• 1:46
  Speaker 4: her own podcast where she talks literally about anything and everything.
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: You are a counselor psychologist. You have such an incredible
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: variety of things you've done in your life. Tell the
• 1:55
  Speaker 4: listener about Chattanooga, Tennessee and tell them about where you live,
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: what the kids, dogs, life, work.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: All the things are.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Yes. Well, I love that you said chaos in your
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: intro because I feel like I kind of bring a
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: little cloud of chaos everywhere I go, but somehow as
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: a psychologist, I calm my patients down, my clients. They
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: say I have a calming presence. I think most of
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: them feel that way, but I do definitely have that
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: ADHD chaos that, and it's very relatable that you're helping
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: your daughter with her, her toddlers or whoever's moving. You know,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: just that is a big part of the beauty and
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: the struggle of ADHD is which I'm happy to discuss
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: as much as y'all want to hear about it today,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: but just kind of over committing, thinking everything's important, wanting
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: to do everything. I kind of call it existential FOMO
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: where I just wish I could be everywhere. I wish
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I could do everything I wanted to do and it
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: drives me crazy. So I don't, my kids, I was
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: a little later starting with my family. So my kids
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: are currently 20, 18 and one will be 17 in
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: about a week. So, um, I had them close together and, um,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: but they definitely can see that I like to suck
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: the marrow out of life, but I'm often chaotic and
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: frazzled and, you know, wanting to do more than I
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: really should, which is part of what helped me diagnose
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: myself finally with ADHD. I had been told in my
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: twenties by a professor and then a friend who's a psychologist,
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I think you probably have ADHD. And I was like,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: I think I probably do too, but I don't really
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: need to know for sure, which is I think kind
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: of classic ADD, at least my version. I'm like, I
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: probably have it, but I don't necessarily need to know,
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: you know? Right. But I heard this description of ADHD
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: that was a little different. And it said that ADHD
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: people have trouble with making decisions. They overcommit. They think
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: everything is important. They have trouble prioritizing. And they have
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: trouble with time management. And when I heard that description,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I was literally like, all right, case closed. It's for sure. Like,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I thought I had it, but now I know I
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: have it.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: Now I know I have it.
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: Now I know my picture's next to the explanation. And
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: this is one of the reasons I was so excited
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: to have you on, obviously, because you've done so many
• 4:22
  Speaker 4: amazing things. But because you're a psychologist and because we
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: are women... One of the things that I have realized
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: in my life at this point is how many women
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: I now know in later life who are being diagnosed
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: as ADD or ADHD, they were taking a kid in saying,
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: this kid can't sit still at school and he can't
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: do this and he can't do that. And maybe that
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: kid ends up with a diagnosis, but then the therapist
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: is looking at the mom going.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's you too.
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: And I think we have a group of women, a couple,
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: three generations of women who who, depending on how you
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: feel about labels and all that kind of jazz, I
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: know people who are somewhat opposed to labeling things, but
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: I think it can be really helpful to understand the
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: way in which your brain works to at least have
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: a category. To say, I realize I'm looking at the
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: world differently than a lot of people. I'm navigating in
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: the world differently. And this category can help explain the
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: reason I do some things that I do. And yet,
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: For a lot of women, I feel like there was
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: sort of a miss that this was not necessarily known
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: because they weren't behavior, quote unquote, behavior problems in the classroom.
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: They weren't jumping up or being really physical. Whatever how
• 5:34
  Speaker 4: we used to say, oh, that's a kid who has
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: ADD or ADHD.
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: They can't sit still.
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: And that seemed to be sort of the primary diagnosis
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: or the primary symptom we were looking at. I just
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: keep encountering women who are like, finally, I'm understanding more
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: about my brain and the way my brain works. What
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: are you seeing in your practice and as you work
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: with women when it comes to how we're looking at
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: ADD and ADHD differently than maybe we did, say, 20,
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: 30 years ago?
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a great question.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I really think we're understanding it more and more. And
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: it makes a lot of sense that so many people
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: and women specifically that are a little bit older didn't
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: realize that, you know, and there are, you know, young
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: women in their twenties and thirties that were still, they
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: were raised during the time that ADHD was getting to
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: be more diagnosed and understood. But even those people can
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: go undiagnosed partly because you probably know this, Julie, but
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: If you have the ADD without the hyperactivity, it may
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: be harder to spot because you can't tell when someone's
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: daydreaming all the time or when they're distracted or you
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: don't know they're procrastinating unless you live with them maybe,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: you know?
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: So the inattentive part of ADHD can be a little
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: easier to miss. like you said, the hyperactivity that the
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: telltale can't sit still, you know, talking a hundred miles
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: an hour, you know, there are plenty of introverts that
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: have ADHD that don't seem ADHD. And also if people
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: have good grades, sometimes there's a big misconception that if
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: you make really good grades, you must not have ADHD.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I know so many doctors that have ADHD, you know,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: just people across the gamut and career fields, um, And
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: so really more the hallmark is when if they're not interested,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: we have an interest based nervous system, meaning that if
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: it's interesting, our machine, our brain turns on and can
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: focus and can even hyper focus. But if it's boring
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: or we're not interested, we're just kind of in slow
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: power mode, which can look like laziness and things like that.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: So I do think that that's probably the biggest reason
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: that women get, you know, you know, not like recognized
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: as having ADD because they don't look hyper or maybe
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: they did well in school or they were just raised
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: in the era that you and I were where it
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: wasn't quite as known and understood to have ADHD.
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: So how, tell me this, because we talked about a
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: whole cluster of different things, some of it being what
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: we know is time blindness, some of it being what
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: might be classified as procrastination, etc., Across the board, obviously
• 8:21
  Speaker 4: we know that that inability to sit down or be
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: still or whatever is the thing that then throws you
• 8:25
  Speaker 4: into the ADHD category. But of course, in adulthood, that
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: can just look like extreme productivity if.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: You're really interested.
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: And so that's another thing that I see get missed
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: because we as a culture really like it when people
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: seem to be getting a lot done and doing a
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: whole lot of things.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: And so it can be missed in that way.
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: But what are one, two, three core characteristics? that whether
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: you were someone who got great grades or terrible grades,
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: whether you're someone who can show up on time or not,
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: whether you're someone who has super high levels of energy
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: or not, what are two or three things that you
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: find to be fairly common with someone when that initial
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: question of could this be ADD, could this be ADHD
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: in terms of brain, you know, the way the brain works,
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: that seem to be across the board, even if we
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: have these little customizations.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: As per individual.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: That's a great word. I love that customization.
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: And I kind of call it flavors, you know, like flavors,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: but customization is great. Yeah. You know, shoot, I got
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: so off on that. I forgot you were saying some
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: of the unique facets. And I do really love to
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: point out the superpowers along with the struggles, because if
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I could, you know, magically get rid of my ADHD
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: or keep it, I would choose to keep it because
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: I like more of it than, than I dislike it.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: And so maybe we can weave in some of the
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: strengths of ADHD as I'm talking. But just really being
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: overwhelmed by executive functioning, like planning, organizing, breaking things down
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: into steps, you know, like papers for me were my nemesis.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: I mean, I would dread papers like the plague. And
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: now that I understand more, I pulled all nighters essentially
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: every single time I did a paper. And so I
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: never really did my best work because I was just
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: cramming and just trying to get the seven pages or
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: the 10 pages done. Anyway, but just that anything that
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: involves a lot of steps and breaking it down. And
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: it's just, I could do math homework or I could
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: study for science. I kind of procrastinated there too. But
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: you think about choosing a topic, researching it, outlining it,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: coming up with a little you know, main point. And,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: and then all that, it was just like, literally my
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: brain wanted to spontaneously combust and I couldn't make myself
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: do it until it was like down to the wire,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: like it's bedtime. And this is due in the morning
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: at eight. So I like suddenly get this rush of
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: dopamine or adrenaline panic, stay up all night, eat stale
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Cheerios that my brother had in his apartment. When I
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: get stressed, I get hungry. And, you know, even waiting
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: in lines, like with ADD, the hyperactivity, the fidgeting, trouble
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: waiting in lines. I hate waiting in traffic or lines.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: I get like, I need some food. Like I'm so
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: stressed out, you know? Right. So the emotional responsiveness is
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: one of the keys with ADHD. And it's like, you
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: could say the word reactivity or just sensitivity that ADD
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: people tend to be more like, responsive or affected by things.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: So we could get frustrated easily. We could get discouraged.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: We could get excited. We could get happy. And sometimes
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: object permanence is brought up with ADHD because in the
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: same way babies don't always remember things don't exist when
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: they're gone. It's like, oh, that ball doesn't exist anymore.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: We can be in the moment so flooded by whatever
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: emotion we're having that we don't remember the, the bad
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: when we're happy sometimes. And sometimes when we're really down,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: we don't remember any good happy.
• 12:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Just kind of that flooding. And so emotional responsiveness, which
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: is probably linked to impulsivity, which is also one of
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: the hallmarks of ADHD. And then a big one that
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: so many people relate to is rejection sensitive dysphoria, which
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: is really just depression when you feel, you know, either
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: rejected or discouraged or And that relates a lot to
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: my parenting. You know, just if I feel like discouraged
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: or I'm worried about one of my children, I can
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: get really stressed out and super worried, like, and feel
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: like despair. Or I'm like, oh, you know, my son's
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: on his video games too much. This is my fault. Like,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: this is so stressing me out. Like, Is something wrong
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: with him? Does he have an addiction? How would I
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: handle that? This is probably my fault. I should have
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: waited till later to give him his phone. We still
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: were later than most of their friends because it was 13.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: But just overthinking and just getting really emotional about it.
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Overthinking, I think, is something that whether someone has
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: an ADD diagnosis or not, just seems to live in
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: the realm of motherhood. And I think this is one
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: of the tricky places. particularly for women, if they weren't
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: quote unquote behavior issues in the classroom, if their grades
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: were okay, if they generally show up certain places on time,
• 13:39
  Speaker 4: there is something about moving into those parenting years that
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: I would think even if you really don't have ADD,
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: it might feel like you do because there is so
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: much going on at the emotional level. There are so
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: many details to handle as a mom. I'm even surprised, Beth,
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: in this chapter of my life because my youngest children
• 14:00
  Speaker 4: are are just a little bit older than your youngest child.
• 14:03
  Speaker 4: So my twins just turned 19. And even just the
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: last year or so where I'm not having to manage
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: as much, just when it comes to their schedules and
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: getting them places and all that kind of thing, I
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: can already look back and go, how was I doing
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: all that? And my listener is right in the thick
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: of it, really. She's in the middle of getting people
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: all the places and doing all the things, or she's
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: just coming out of it. And is looking back going, whoa.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: And so to me, if you have, if you.
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: Do have a diagnosis or a suspected diagnosis of ADD
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: or ADHD on top of parenting, trying to peel that
• 14:44
  Speaker 4: apart and really understand what is just the season versus
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: what is really your wiring seems complex because parenting, I
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: know we say to people, you shouldn't try to multitask.
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: You're not going to be as effective. You're not going
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: to be as productive. Your attention is going to be split.
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: And I'm like, I don't know a mom who has
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: the luxury of not multitasking.
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: We've all got to multitask.
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: And so when we talk about superpower, in some ways,
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: I think that even emulating a few of the superpowers
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: of ADD or ADHD is probably a really necessary and
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: helpful thing when you're parenting and For you, as you
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: began to look at how you were navigating the world
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: and then you start becoming a mom and all these
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: different things, what did that collision of this unbelievable uptick
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: in responsibility in not now just navigating your own schedule
• 15:37
  Speaker 4: and projects that you've got to get across the line,
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: but also the science project for fifth grade that's due
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: on Friday and the field trip permission slips and all
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: the things. how did you do it? Where did you
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: throw your hands up and call for help?
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: What did you do?
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great question. I definitely feel like to
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: use the servers or waiter analogy, it felt like I've
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: been in the weeds since I had children. And the
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: details and all the possibilities of what you could do
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: or should do or second guessing really did overwhelm me.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: But for sure, I think you know, becoming a mom
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: was so overwhelming and it was amazing, but it was
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: just kind of like all the things I have to
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: do and keep track of because details are definitely for
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: most ADHD people, certainly me, that organizing, keeping things scheduled
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: and everything is really hard. Um, so I, I for sure,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: you know, along with becoming a mom and being very
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: tired was just kind of flooded consistently. Um, And also
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: when you think about that list I mentioned earlier of
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: thinking everything's important and wanting to do it all, this
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: is some of my favorite advice is just to remember
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: you can't do it all. Like you almost have to
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: choose your focus with your kids. Like I'm going to
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: really hone in on reading or trying to get outside
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: or have play dates or I'm going to cook or,
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: but you can't bake and, and do music and teach
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: them other languages and read and have play dates. You
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: just can't do everything that could be important, you know? Right.
• 17:19
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: So, um, I feel like just giving yourself permission to say,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to be a big craft mom. Like I,
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: I literally think I did crafts with my kids like
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: twice in their whole childhood. And it's a family joke.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I never brushed the girl's hair. I have two girls
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: and they're like, you probably brushed my hair like three times,
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: but it's They brushed their own or just kind of
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: looked okay. But I do think there are some interesting
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: advantages there because my girls have become better planners than
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: I am, partly because they know I'm not going to
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: helicopter or micromanage stuff. Like I'll be at all their
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: sporting events and I'll be at big events and I'll
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: be emotionally supportive, but I'm not going to keep track
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: of all their paperwork and all their deadlines and all
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: their college dorm stuff. Like they're going to have to
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: adult and take charge of things because I can barely
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: manage my own life and what we're doing for dinner
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: and coordinating, you know, all the other stuff with work
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: and home. And so they've had to learn a lot
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: of adult skills. And I think it serves them really
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: well because they had going to launch better than some
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: kids who's, moms do everything for them.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: You think that you are in the final round of
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: getting all this parenting done. You've got kids who are
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: in high school. You're starting to think about college and
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: you're thinking, this is it. I'm Julie Liles Carr. I'm
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: a podcaster and I'm a mom of eight.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: And here's what I want you to know about.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: George Fox University, it's a different way of doing college.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: Because yes, it's all about.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Getting a fantastic degree to set your kid up for
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: their future. They have 60 undergrad programs available at George
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: Fox University.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: But that's not where the story ends. It's also about
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: equipping them spiritually.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: If you get out of college with a degree, but
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: you don't have a closer relationship with God, that obviously
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: is going to deeply impact what your young adult life
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: looks like. So for your kiddos, I want you to
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: consider what would it mean for your child to be
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: able to go to George Fox University where 93% of
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: George Fox students say they now have a closer relationship
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: with Jesus. George Fox University is located in the Pacific
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Northwest in Oregon. They have 23 Division III athletic programs
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: and 100% of students at George Fox University receive financial aid.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: George Fox University is dedicated to their promise. They want
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: every student to be known for who God created them
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: to be. So listen, parents, yeah, you are getting into
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: some of those final laps, but you definitely want to
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: make these last laps count in a big way when
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: it comes to the legacy of your parenting. So be
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: sure and check out for your student georgefox.edu.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: That's georgefox.edu.
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: I mean, I feel like so often, Beth, we come
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: back to whether someone has a difference in the way
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: their brain works or not. We still keep coming back
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: to this place in motherhood of going, hey, friend, comparison
• 20:25
  Speaker 4: is not your friend. And that sense of, oh, that
• 20:30
  Speaker 4: mom sat down and made lovely woven potholders for all
• 20:35
  Speaker 4: the neighbors with her girls and how darling and sweet.
• 20:37
  Speaker 4: And they did this with their kids and they did
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: this with their sons and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah,
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: when it comes to the crafting or teaching or the
• 20:43
  Speaker 4: baking or whatever. And you cannot possibly get it all done.
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: I felt so much the responsibility. And I was always
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: surrounded by people too, who seemed to get it all done, Beth.
• 20:54
  Speaker 4: That was the other thing that was hard for me
• 20:55
  Speaker 4: when my kids were younger was I seem to always
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: have a neighbor or a good friend that the house
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: was perfect and everything was fresh baked and everything was
• 21:04
  Speaker 4: designed and curated at such a high level. And I
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: didn't understand the conversation at that point about how we
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: each have individual capacities. that God has not wired us
• 21:14
  Speaker 4: all together the same way. And yes, we probably all
• 21:18
  Speaker 4: have that heroic friend who really does have her act
• 21:20
  Speaker 4: together and the marriage is healthy and she's healthy. And
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: she does do 1000 things, 1000% beyond the rest of
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: us mere mortals. But that doesn't mean that's the standard.
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: And that was probably one of my big defaults was
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: thinking that that level of performance and capacity was the standard.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: And it's not.
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: It's about doing what you can do in the brain
• 21:43
  Speaker 4: God gave you with the wiring he gave you to
• 21:46
  Speaker 4: your best, not anyone else's best. I would love to
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: hear what's going on from a neurology standpoint when it
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: comes to ADD, ADHD. So you talked about different things
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: you would do, like waiting in line, being boring and stressful,
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: and it makes you hungry. There are these weird connections
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: for things that happen in a brain that's wired a
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: little bit differently. So What do we know today about
• 22:08
  Speaker 4: what's going on truly in the brain chemistry, the wiring,
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: all of it when it comes to this topic? Because again,
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: we have a lot of people out there who still
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: think this is a behavior issue.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: Or a matter of will or a matter.
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: Of self-discipline who aren't really looking yet at the science.
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: So give us a little science primer on what actually
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: is happening in the brain with this.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I'll give you some cliff notes. And what's interesting is
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: I do not specialize in treatment of ADHD, but I
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: am a psychologist, obviously, who has training and I have
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: it personally. So I almost feel that I know more anecdotally,
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: but some interesting science that I've heard recently and some
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: of it's older, but that they are now saying ADHD
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: is as genetic as eye color. So if you have it,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: that means one of your parents has it. typically, you know,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: possibly both. I now think both of my parents had it. And, um,
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: but the, the biggest thing that, that I've heard, and,
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: you know, as usual, there are some different theories and
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: sometimes ADHD could be misdiagnosed. If someone has like, if
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: they're malnourished, they're not, they're eating too much sugar. They're
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: not sleeping enough. They can meet criteria for ADHD and
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: they might be allergic to red food coloring or something.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: And so they, there, there can be dietary factors. And
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: I do think to your point earlier about kind of
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: misinterpreting signals that being a mom, you just feel ADHD
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: as soon as you become a mom, I think for
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: most people. And then if you actually have it on
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: top of, of that, it's like a double whammy. But, um,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: But for those who truly do have it, you know,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: the executive functioning and the frontal lobe, the captain of
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: the ship, you know, is like there's a bit of
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: a struggle. And I heard an analogy that it's like
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: a ship with a great engine, but no captain. And
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: I would say now with some of the newer understanding,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: it's more like the captain is a little bit asleep
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: and you have to wake it up either by, you know,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: a stimulant like coffee or a medication, or you have
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: to wake it up by making things more interesting. And
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: that's one of my favorite things is to try to
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: make things more fun or more interesting or time sensitive
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: to activate that captain, wake the captain up, so to speak.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: So the frontal lobe, just that's the biggest science is like,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: you know, shortage of dopamine. And so when I first
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: heard that stimulant was the treatment of choice for ADD,
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: I thought that's so odd if you have someone who's
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: hyper to give them a stimulant, but it, it gives
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: us dopamine and it helps us focus. And so that,
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's really the biggest theory that I've heard,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: but I don't, I read more articles about the symptoms
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: and how it looks. There are probably some other scientific
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: theories that don't relate to dopamine in the frontal lobe.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: You know, obviously depression and anxiety can come hand in hand,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: can be caused by ADHD. And sometimes depression and anxiety
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: can cause ADHD looking symptoms. So it's sometimes a chicken
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: or the egg thing, right? Like what is the root condition?
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Is it ADD or is it anxiety?
• 25:29
  Speaker 4: Right. And that's going to be a hard one to parse,
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: I think, without having you know, a professional involved to
• 25:35
  Speaker 4: help you sort that out because it absolutely, I can
• 25:38
  Speaker 4: understand why it would feel like at some level, particularly
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: in the body, the way we feel anxiety, but the
• 25:44
  Speaker 4: way we might also feel, you know, just that running
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: motor all the time, how that could feel so similar. Well, Beth,
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: as we start to wrap up our conversation, talk to
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: the mom who's listening to this and is saying, oh,
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: you know, I am struggling in these ways. And I
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: thought maybe it was just being a mom, but as
• 26:04
  Speaker 4: I think back on it, I've always had a hard
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: time getting somewhere on time. What are some good first
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: steps for mom? Because again, I think we spend a
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: lot of time with kids who are say in a
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: traditional classroom or they have a coach pull us aside
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: and say, hey, listen, so-and-so is having a hard time
• 26:19
  Speaker 4: focusing and we get engaged in helping find out something
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: for our kids or get some modalities in place for
• 26:24
  Speaker 4: our kids, but we can get lost in the mix.
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: So Yeah.
• 26:28
  Speaker 4: What can the mom who's really resonating with this conversation,
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: what are some good next steps for her?
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: So I would say the first easiest three things that
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: you could do any of these, one would be to
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: take an ADD checklist online and maybe even just say
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: ADD checklist for a, you know, 40 year old mom
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: or something like that. Um, and some of them are
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: obviously just generic for any age or any adult. Um,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: And see how the checklist goes and then potentially go
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: talk to your OBGYN or your doctor. Also, there are
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: a plethora of amazing resources and articles on Attitude.com, I think.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: It's either Attitude.org, but it's spelled A-D-D-A-T-U-D. Oh, okay. Yeah.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Kind of a play on the word attitude.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: So, but Dr. William Dodson is one, a pioneer, really.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: I think he was a psychiatrist. He retired a few
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: years ago. He lived in Colorado and he just really
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: specialized in his practice in ADHD. But there are just
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: so many good articles about how to cope or medicine. And,
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: you know, I think the listeners might enjoy some of
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: my episodes on Never Perfect. So I have My mental
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: health podcast, which is called Never Perfect Dr. Breath, or
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Never Perfect with an ADHD psychologist is the long name.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: But it's easier to find it as Never Perfect Dr.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: Breath.
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: Never Perfect, yeah.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Yes. And I also have a faith podcast, which isn't
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: as relevant to the ADD topic, but it's called Never
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: Perfect Faith. If they want to check out any of those,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: which is just a Christian faith podcast with just kind
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: of some commentary on psychology as well. But I have...
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: an episode called, Do You Want to Know Your Diagnosis?
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: And I really think it's valuable. It's part of what
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: I call your user's manual or user's guide, just to
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: understand yourself. And you made a great comment about that earlier,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: just kind of understanding the way we work and the
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: way our system works and the beauty of it and
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: the struggle. But several episodes, obviously, on ADHD, because it's
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: a five-year-old podcast, so I probably have at least 10
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: related specifically to ADHD. So but, you know, I I
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: don't take medication. I drink so much coffee. I was
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: a little scared to take a stimulant. I'm not saying
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: that I'm anti-medicine. I think maybe if I didn't drink coffee,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: I might have been more had a better shot at
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: like benefiting from the medicine. But there are so many
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: natural ways. But I think even just strategies that once
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: you understand the way you work, ways to make things interesting,
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: like I was saying earlier. I love giving college students
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: advice on how to make themselves do torturous things using
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: strategies that I wish I had known in college, you know?
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: Right, right.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: So, but yeah, and then if they wanted to consult
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: a psychiatrist about medicine or just to read some articles
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: on some treatments, but no matter what, I just think
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: it really helps to understand the way our system works
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: and so that we can maximize all the amazing abilities
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: we have. And also just to explain that to other
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: people in our lives, you know, if it is timeliness or,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: you know, just overcommitment or procrastination, you know, we all
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: have different things that we really struggle with. But parenting
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: is known to be a real struggle and household tasks
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: are known to be a real struggle for women with
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: ADHD and probably men too. But I've seen more articles
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: about the women. Does that kind of answer your question?
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely.
• 30:11
  Speaker 4: And I think all this is so beautiful because I
• 30:14
  Speaker 4: think it's unfortunate that for some reason, particularly in faith circles,
• 30:19
  Speaker 4: we tend to think of these topics as some kind
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: of problem or fault or something that we don't understand
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: that God has purpose in how he has designed each
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: of us. And with any strength of character we are given,
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: there is often a side that can be difficult if
• 30:39
  Speaker 4: not submitted to God that can be, you know. And
• 30:42
  Speaker 4: so I love that we have more and more people
• 30:45
  Speaker 4: entering in the faith conversation about, hey, the way God
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: wires us together is beautiful. And it means that he
• 30:52
  Speaker 4: has some strengths and some really incredible things for us
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: to be able to do. And it means we have
• 30:56
  Speaker 4: to manage those superpowers as well. And there are ways
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: to do that. I just think that the more we're
• 31:02
  Speaker 4: willing to talk about these things alongside the science, alongside
• 31:06
  Speaker 4: what we're learning more and more about, the incredible way
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: that God made our bodies, our brains, the way that
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: our minds work with our spirits, I think all of
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: that is so incredibly important. Nothing to be scared of.
• 31:17
  Speaker 4: And having someone like you come on and say, Hey,
• 31:20
  Speaker 4: I love God. I'm a psychologist and I have ADD.
• 31:23
  Speaker 4: I think it's amazing to be able to have you
• 31:25
  Speaker 4: speak directly into what we are learning today. So thank
• 31:29
  Speaker 4: you so much, Beth, for being here. I really appreciate
• 31:32
  Speaker 4: this conversation.
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: I love it.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: And I just think it's such a gift to the
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: world for all of us to let people into our
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: messy houses. If they're messy, let people into our messes
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: in our lives. Like it, you know, we're all struggling
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: in different ways. So, That's part of, I think why
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: I love the never perfect theme is just like have
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: people over when your house is messy. I mean, it's
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: actually kind of more encouraging. It might stress them out
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: a little bit if they're not used to it, but
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: it's like, I'm just going to be real, you know? And,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: and just know it's, it's hard. We don't have to
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: pretend we're perfect because no one is spiritually or personally.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: So I love that.
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: That's fantastic.
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: Well, Beth, thank you so much for being here today.
• 32:13
  Speaker 4: And listener, I want you to go to the show notes.
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: Rebecca puts those together. She'll have all the links to
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: Beth's podcast and different resources that Beth has mentioned.
• 32:20
  Speaker 3: So be sure and check those out.
• 32:22
  Speaker 4: I also want you to go to All Mom Does,
• 32:24
  Speaker 4: All Mom Does on the socials, allmomdoes.com, because that is
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: a community of women just like you who are willing
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: to say, hey, I'm never perfect. I am trying to
• 32:32
  Speaker 4: put things together and do my best and love God
• 32:36
  Speaker 4: and raise my kids and all the things, but I
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: don't have it all together either. And you're going to
• 32:40
  Speaker 4: find a lot of companionship and friendship there.
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: So be sure and check that out. Also come on over.
• 32:45
  Speaker 3: I'm usually over on Instagram, Julie Lyle's car.
• 32:47
  Speaker 4: We really do look at those DMS and take your
• 32:50
  Speaker 4: questions and try to get on the guest and talk
• 32:52
  Speaker 4: about the topics.
• 32:53
  Speaker 3: That you're most interested in.
• 32:54
  Speaker 4: So that blesses me when you come over there and
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: I will see you next time on the all mom
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: does podcast.