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I said what I said · 12 Minutes of Nonsense

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, what's up, y'all?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: So once again, it is an episode of 12 minutes of nonsense.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Nathan Heard.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry I've been uh away for so long.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't have an excuse other than I'll be forgetting and I have not been on ADHD medicine in like six months.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh my blood pressure was high, and so they was like, hey man, so you might die if we keep giving this shit to you.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know what I'm saying?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like maybe you should maybe you should stop.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Cause like, 'cause like it's not cool to die, you know what I'm saying?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: At least not at least not like for you right now, maybe.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided I would well, I mean, they decided.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's been hard.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be honest with you.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's been hard.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not no no adh d meds is is is just raw dog in life.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: ADHD is hard.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because it seems like I'm cool when I ain't cool.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Cause like, you know what I realized?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sleep don't recharge me.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Activity recharges me, but I also need like sleep for like things like life and stuff.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: So so that that's not that's not always cool.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really even like that when that happens.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so what's going on?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, the World Cup is happening, and I'm gonna be honest with you, it's uh it's pretty dope.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not a huge soccer fan, and yeah, I called this soccer.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I calling it soccer?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because it pisses people off, and that's that's really the only reason.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, you know what?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have two reasons.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, it pisses people off, and I think it's funny, and that's and that's that's because I'm a bad person, okay?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to I don't want people being like, oh well Nate, you know, no, no, don't don't don't make excuses for me.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a bad I'm a I'm a I'm I'm an asshole for that, okay?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a I'm an asshole for that.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the other reason why I call soccer is because uh the English actually came up with the phrase soccer.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: That was not us.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: They they came up with that shit, and so I'm uh I'm gonna continue to say it so people correct me, and then I get to correct them uh because I as as as previously stated, and you know, I'm not a good person.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not a not a good dude a lot of the time.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, uh I just got done watching the uh Qatar in Canada game, which was oof.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-uh.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Feel bad for Qatar.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I feel bad for Qatar.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Damn, they got their ass whoopupped.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Two red cards, that means they two players down, and then Canada just like at that at the end, it was 6-0.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Canada wasn't even celebrating their goals no more.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: They was just like, yo, okay, y'all ain't got no mercy rule or nothing.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: We just gotta we just gotta keep giving it to them.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, man.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it was like it was like when you banging, but like, but you don't already bust, but you gotta keep going.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't just you just don't got it in you.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if y'all young bucks is dealing with that yet, but as an old dude, I I goddamn, I love my girl.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why the fuck she with me?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, cause I cause here's the thing I got raggedy dick.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have like I'm not saying that I got raggedy dick, like 20-year-old raggedy dick.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I got 40-year-old raggedy dick.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm it's it's logical that my dick is raggedy, but it is still raggedy dick.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and so I just appreciate that she still that she still fuck with me, even though I got raggedy dick.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, I'm supposed to have raggedy dick at this a I'm at raggedy dick age, but that doesn't mean that the dick ain't raggedy.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it does look.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Grandma is 72 years old.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: She says some banana shit.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Banana shit, crazy shit.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad that black people can drink water now.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like grandma says some fucking raggedy ass shit.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And we kind of like, we like, damn, grandma don't say that, but at the same time, we get why she's saying it, because she's 72.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: The shit that I'ma say when I'm 72, I hope y'all are ready.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I really do hope y'all already, because I'ma I'm gonna be a wreck.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like if you have retired, if you are 65 and older, I don't blame you for most of the things you said.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm gonna say I only blame you for 90.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't blame you for 90% of the racisms.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like 10% I'ma still blame you for.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean I'm not gonna react to it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like you, I'm like, you catch me off guard with the hard ER.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I might still, you know what I'm saying, like jaw you, you know what I'm saying, come up between your, you know, your your your your your chest muscles and rock your head back, but I'ma feel bad about it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'ma feel like damn man, I did I didn't need to do that, but I did it still.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of, you know, it's kind of how you like you know how like like Luigi Man Joni Man Gioni, what is what's his name?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Luigi Luigi, I don't know.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like him, like I'm yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: If if I'm on that jury, he ain't this shit.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like he ain't did hey bruh, I'm I'm I don't like that you did what you did, but I'm not mad at you for doing it.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not I'm not gonna punish you, bruh.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know what I mean?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: As many people get away with shit, like he's gonna get away with this shit.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put me on that jury.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because he's getting away with it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm putting that on tape.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I'm on that jury, Luigi, you going home, homie.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you going home home.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you going home with a fruit basket.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I might even sent you a fruit basket.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing this is why I feel like his trial is taking so long, because everybody the same way.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody like they're like, how you gonna find 12 people who want this man to go to jail?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't nobody want him to go to jail.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't nobody want him to go to jail.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's crazy.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's crazy.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: What else is going on?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: What else random shit is going on?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, uh, I made a post.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I forgot what it was about.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was about, I said something.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I said something like, uh, you know, people who pray at dinner, if they invite non-Christians over, maybe they should uh maybe they should not pray, because sometimes it can make people feel uncomfortable.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh like, you know, I know it's your house, but like at my house, my balls are out most of the time when I'm alone, but I put my balls up uh when company come over.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I was I was really just trying to make a joke about my balls.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not even gonna lie.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to make a testicle joke about my balls.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was funny, but the uh the majority of people really just they had a problem with the fact that I was comparing my balls to Jesus, I guess.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not religious.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: No disrespect to anybody who is religious, but like from my perspective, you believe in Santa Claus.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I I'm not saying that you can't believe in Santa Claus, but you do believe in Santa Claus to me.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I can't not treat it like you don't believe in Santa Claus.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't know how to like like if a six-year-old believes in Santa Claus, I'm not gonna fucking tell that kid that Santa Claus isn't real, but at the same time, like the kid, the kid believes in Santa Claus.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's like this.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime a toddler hands you a phone, you answer it like it is a phone call.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like you answer, hello?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: But imagine if the CEO of Google handed you a plastic phone and was like, is somebody on the phone for you?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: At what point do I just be like, I don't want to pretend that there's somebody on the phone, dog?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no disrespect.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't want to have to do things because you think there's somebody on the phone.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hear nobody, bruh.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hear nobody.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just gonna put the phone down.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't hand me the damn phone.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't hand me the phone.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it came down to.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't hand me the phone.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: All right?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if people have a problem with, you know, with me saying that, uh, well, you know, I don't give a fuck.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want people being like, yeah, Nate, you show right.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: You show right.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't need you, I don't need you neither.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't need I didn't say this so people would agree with me, but I also didn't say it so people would disagree with me.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said it because I thought it was funny, and I wanted to talk about my balls.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's really, that's really all it was, y'all.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's what comedy is.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Try some shit, see if it worked.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it didn't work.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Cause the motherfuckers got mad and they didn't mention my balls.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted them to be like, damn, that's funny as shit.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or, damn, that wasn't funny.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: But no, they was just like, why are you well if you come to my house, my house, my rules.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, okay.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, don't come to my house.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, I didn't invite me to your house.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: You, you, the whole premise of the thing was you invited me to your house.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so I don't understand.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't we just laugh at some balls?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know what I mean?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when, when, when, when remember when we would used to used to laugh when a motherfucker farted?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what that's what I was trying to do.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's my bad because the joke obviously didn't, I didn't word it right for it to be funny enough for people to be focused enough on my balls and not on Jesus.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: But that's that's you know, that's okay.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay, that's my bad.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not my bad.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel bad because I offended somebody.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I feel bad because the joke wasn't funny.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: In my opinion, the joke wasn't funny, and and and I don't want another motherfucker telling me, oh man, you shouldn't say this, because if you you you can't tell, you tell me not to say something, and I'll go home and write an hour on that shit and show up at your door and recite, you know what I'm saying?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, cause you know.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Also, like people who try and tell comedians what they should or shouldn't say, like, motherfucker, you look, bruh, I've been doing this for 18 years.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for me to take your advice on what to or not to say, is first of all, it's disrespectful because you're saying that you know more than me when you don't do what I do, and second of all, is disrespectful because you acting like nobody else laughed.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've had jokes where the whole audience laugh, but then one dude don't laugh, and he was like, Well, you shouldn't say that.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, motherfucker, why why why I gotta listen to you and nobody else?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's you not the only motherfucker here.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, I hate it when comedians blame the crowd for their joke not being funny.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, motherfucker, if you tell a joke and don't nobody laugh, you why you gonna be like, oh y'all, y'all motherfuckers must be all woke.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: No, nigga, you not funny.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's what that is.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Be funny.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, everybody, everybody a snowflake.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can't say nothing anymore.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can say whatever the fuck you want, dog.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just be funny.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: But you blaming the crowd because your ass ain't funny.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the crowd's fault.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take the L, go home, write some new shit, and then come back and bang these motherfuckers out one time.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's all it is, bruh.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: But nah, they wanna but they wanna blame the crowd.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all motherfucking, you can't even say nothing anymore.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all motherfucking snowflake.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody woke.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you woke your ass the fuck up and write some funny ass jokes?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because motherfuckers, because like I got jokes, I got I I I'll go out, I'll go on stage and do 20.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've done I've done 45 minutes of dick jokes and had motherfuckers laughing.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not because dicks is well first of all, dicks is funny.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Dicks is dicks is hilarious.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I've also done jokes, I I got rape jokes, I got dead baby jokes.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I do a joke about uh kicking a dead baby.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: That joke is hilarious.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do, I do, I got jokes about gay people, but I got jokes about Albine.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like you can tell any any joke can be funny, but that don't mean every joke is funny, and some people just don't want to admit that they shit wasn't funny.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Also, your shit ain't gonna be funny to every single person in the world.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna, it's not even gonna be like that, honey.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Nah.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna be like that, honey.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the joke gonna be funny to a crowd.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Shit.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've done jokes in front of one crowd that did like did really well.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: The same joke.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Two hours later.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Later, two hours later, bomb.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Walked home in sadness.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know what I mean?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't bring the crowd.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I'm talking to comedians, like, you know what I'm saying?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, maybe, you know, you ain't it ain't you, you ain't shit, some of y'all.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: But that's okay.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: But take it to the face, is all I'm trying to say.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Take the L to the face, and then, you know, get up and do the shit again, I guess.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: But then at the same time, I'm telling crowds, when you tell a comedian you shouldn't have said that, uh, your mama.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: How about how about that?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he's not gonna listen to you, and if he does, you know what I mean, he not he's just not going to.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And but he shouldn't.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he shouldn't listen to you because you're dumb.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's crazy.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because like we talk differently to each other.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like comedians, we talk differently to each other.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like, just be funny.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's what we at.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: We like at just be funny.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not, you know.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to be shocking to be funny.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Some comedians are, but that's them, as long as they're funny.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're not funny, motherfucker, you just not funny.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what I was talking about beforehand.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: But um, but this is what I'm talking about now.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's about 12 minutes of nonsense, y'all.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm back.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be doing this every week now.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I know I keep saying that, but I promise.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I promise I will.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, follow me on everything.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I got some dates coming up.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be in San Diego, I'm gonna be in Bellflower, I'm going to be in Canada, I'm gonna be on the East Coast slinging these jokes.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll holler at y'all, alright?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nathan Heard, 12 minutes of nonsense.