Latest / 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids. / Helping your Child Win the War on Worry and Anxiety, with Special Guest Laura Kuehn

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Helping your Child Win the War on Worry and Anxiety, with Special Guest Laura Kuehn · 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of the Five Minute Parenting Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Karen Ferguson, wife, mom, grandmom, and children's book author with a background in K-8 education and a passion for equipping parents to raise confident and God-confident kids.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: In this podcast, we'll cover parenting practices for both a practical view and a biblical view.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Our goal is to help you raise kids with a positive, godly self-image so they can become all they were created to be.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're busy, so we'll keep it short.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's take just five minutes and dive in.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Five Minute Parenting.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Karen, your show host, and today I have a very special guest, Laura Kuhn, who will be sharing expert in insight and advice on the topic of anxiety.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Laura is a licensed clinical social worker with experience working with children, teens, and adults with issues related to anxiety, trauma, grief, and life transitions.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: She currently runs her own virtual private practice providing therapy to women and moms across Connecticut.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: She's the owner and founder of Cornerstones for Parents, an online resource with parenting articles and tips.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she's the author of More Than a Conqueror, a Christian Kids' Guide to Winning the War on Worry.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Laura is a parent to two young adult children and lives in Connecticut with her husband of 26 years.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Laura, welcome to the show.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Karen.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really excited to be a part of it.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm so glad that you're here.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, this is such an important topic.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was reading that there are some pretty sad statistics about the increase of anxiety in children, um, especially since COVID, apparently, which hasn't seemed to decrease.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I know there are parents wondering what they can do to help their kids.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I just thank you for being here.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to get started.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna let you jump right in and share what you have with our listeners today.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, Karen.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks so much.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, so my plan for today is to just go over some basics, what anxiety is and the function it serves.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: I also want to talk a little bit about how anxiety shows up in kids and what parents can be looking for.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm just gonna end with a couple of practical strategies that parents could implement with their kids to find some ways to keep anxiety from taking over.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so yeah, so let's just get started with the basics.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, a lot of us assume if we've had experience with anxiety, which I'm pretty sure most people have, um, it doesn't feel good.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so we tend to think of it as something that's bad.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: But in reality, anxiety can be very helpful.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, feelings of anxiety are generated by the threat center of our brain.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And when this threat center is activated, our nervous system takes over to keep us safe.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So this actually means that the thinking part of our brain, or the part of our brain that is responsible for problem solving, critical thinking, and all of that kind of goes offline and our sympathetic nervous system takes over.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And this means that our breath rate will increase, we'll have an increased heart rate, we might sweat.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is all our body's effort to get us ready to do something about this supposed threat so we can get to safety quickly.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is that this threat center part of our brain cannot tell the difference between real or imagined threat.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: So it's easily activated by things like thoughts, memories, or even like normal body sensations.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: It responds to these as if they were actually dangerous.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so anxiety is a universal phenomenon.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: We all experience it.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: And we can even see that Jesus had an experience of the activation of his threat center in the Garden of Gethsemane.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we're told that he was in anguish, um, even to the point of death.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it says in one particular account that his sweat was like drops of blood.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: So this distress was an expected bodily response to the impending threat of his crucifixion.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: When I think of this, it really helps me put it into perspective that, you know, my anxiety or my feelings of anxiety are not something that's wrong or bad.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a simple body response to threat.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So that's kind of an overview, just a brief overview of how anxiety works in the body.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I'd like to share a little bit with your listeners about how anxiety shows up in kids.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um kids man Yeah, so kids manifest anxiety in many of the same ways that adults do.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they tend to avoid things that make them anxious.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: And in fact, avoidance is a hallmark feature of anxiety because it works so well.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: If you're nervous about doing something and you don't do that thing, the anxiety feelings just go away.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so avoidance becomes sort of this crotch that anxious kids can lean on to help them feel better, but it's not helping them in the long run.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, kids can get sticky thoughts.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: These are thoughts that just won't go away, kind of turn around in their head.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: They might have physical symptoms, um, upset stomachs, headaches, feeling jittery.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Some kids lash out when they're anxious and some retreat and withdraw.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Some kids need a lot of reassurance from parents.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: They'll just ask them over and over again the same questions, um, and they may even have meltdowns or panic attacks.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the one thing I want to point out for parents is that to look out for these symptoms, and even maybe more subtle ones, and just to pay attention to what they're noticing and talk to their kids about what they're noticing.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: It can be really helpful to come at it from a, you know, sometimes I feel anxious too kind of stance, because sometimes anxiety, you know, the little sidecar feeling is shame, that there's something wrong with me, like why do I feel this way?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: So if parents can kind of normalize their child's experience and empathize with what they're going through, the child's going to be much more likely to open up about it.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good point.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's always nice to know, you know, that people understand where we're coming from and that we're not alone with these feelings.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And anxiety grows in isolation.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the reasons why my workbook is really intended to be a collaborative effort between parents and kids is because of that very reason.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we may be tempted to just give it to the kid and have them do it.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: But this collaborative experience really helps kind of bring it into the light and de-shame it and make it this normative experience that they can get help with.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: So some practical tips.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's probably what everybody's after, right?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, what do we do about it?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so the reason why I actually wrote the workbook was for that because there's, you know, it's a lot of information out there, but not a lot from a Christian perspective.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was really my goal to give Christian families a resource, um, skills again that they can use together.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so it has some psychoeducation about the worry cycle, how it shows up, um, helps kids start to understand like what it feels like and it what it's like for them to have anxiety.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so one simple tool that parents could start with is to have their kids start to map their anxiety.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is you can simply like draw an outline of your child, or if you have like really big paper, you could literally outline them.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then as their kids um go through the next couple of days, have them pay attention.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Where is anxiety showing up for them?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then label it on that outline.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe their hands get sweaty, maybe they get butterflies in their stomach, maybe they clench their jaw.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever their body does in response to the threat, they can mark it on the paper.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, but why is this important?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so you can't heal what you're not aware of.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: So just helping your child bring awareness to what's happening in their body and helping them name it, oh, here's some anxiety, can calm it down.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, studies have actually found that when you label feelings of distress, you deactivate that threat center in your brain.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they've done some functional MRI imaging that's shown that to be the case.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: So when your child can say, oh, I have a tight stomach, oh, here's some anxiety, that threat center will deactivate to some degree.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um so another great resource for kids, and this one is not in the book, so this is a bonus tip for your listeners, Karen.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's called progressive muscle relaxation, and it's actually exactly what it sounds like.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, basically, you would have your child sit down or lie down, whatever's comfortable for them, and then walk them through the process of squeezing and then really slowly releasing paired muscle groups.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: So you'd start in their toes, squeeze for about five seconds, and then really slowly release, and then notice how that tension sort of like dissipates.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then you work the way up the body, legs, um, back, all the way to your face.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: This does two things.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: It interrupts the threat signal because now your brain is paying attention to bodies, you know, what your body is doing, you're redirecting your thoughts, but also it's discharging some of that built-up tension that we get when we start to feel anxious by just releasing it from our muscles.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so this should help your kids feel quite relaxed after this exercise.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: And if you do it in bed before bed, if your child struggles with sleep, it can help with sleep onset.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but the thing I want to emphasize is that it's really important to intervene.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's really no harm in equipping your child with information and skills because everyone's going to battle this at some point or another.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but if you wait, kids can develop what's what I would call like an anxiety habit, meaning that their brains kind of become wired for worry as a way of coping with perceived threats.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: The brain really hates uncertainty.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: It really wants to know things for sure.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And worry can become your brain's attempt to solve unsolvable problems or perceived threats.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: So the more your brain engages in this so-called, you know, solution, the more ingrained that unhelp and coping strategy becomes.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um so the book has a lot of different practical kid-friendly activities.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, some of them are responding to scripture, uh responding to worries with scripture, putting on the armor of God, creating a worry box, um, creating a worry appointment.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And these are all skills that your child can use as they grow and develop.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because let's be honest, like because of the access to information worldwide, we are exposed to more and more perceived and real threats than ever before.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, we want to equip our kids with skills and tools when they're young to be able to cope with everything that they're hearing and seeing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so true.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the, you know, we could do, I feel like a three or five part, you know, series.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, there's a lot to cover.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the rates uh rising for anxiety in our kids.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's a really good point where they're just exposed to way too much information.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um what I'm hearing is probably the worst thing we could do is just allow avoidance of it.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think of you know, that term, I don't know if you've heard it, numbing out, um, where I think we're we can all be kind of good at that, right?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Scrolling through the social media feed or numbing out on a show.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not that you know, watching a show is bad, but or video games or you know, anything that kind of just takes us away from dealing with that serious issue.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I just think it's so great that you've created this book for kids, but also for parents to walk with them through this.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so what you've been referring to here, I just for listeners to know, this is coming from your book, More Than a Conqueror, a Christian kid's side to winning the war on worry.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is that right?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, correct.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and where's the best place to find that?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Where would you send them to?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: So it can be purchased on Amazon, it can be purchased on um Christian book distributors, okay, any major retailer.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, wonderful.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: All right, and we're gonna have all this, we're gonna have links to your website, to your book as well in the show notes.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, was there anything else you wanted to say before we close out?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: So if anybody wants to reach out to me, they can do so through my website at um cornerstonesforparents.com.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: I do respond.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: It may take a couple of days, but if anybody had any follow-up questions, they'd be happy to engage that way.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because I did want to highlight your website.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was on there and it looks fantastic.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just all of the resources and articles uh that you have on anxiety, but just parenting in general.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I highly recommend listeners, if you want more information or resources on anxiety, parenting in general, be sure to check out Laura's website.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: That'll be in the show notes as well.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you also have a free download.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a parenting workbook called Refresh Your Parenting in Just Five Days.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: So that sounds interesting.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just kind of a quick overview of kind of these five pillars of parenting.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: It gives parents just a taste of each one each day.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's a guided workbook that you know you do with some reflections in the evening and some prayer and preparation in the morning, um, and maybe implement a simple skill during the day with your kids.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Laura, thank you so much for being here and sharing your insight and advice.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you, listeners, for joining us.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, come back next week for another episode of five minute parenting.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, have a blessed week.