Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a High Achiever
Transcript
- Lucas: If you are crushing your performance reviews, getting promoted, and consistently delivering results, you might think finding a mentor would be easy. But for a lot of high achievers, it is actually harder, not easier. Luna: Yeah, that sounds counterintuitive. Why would being good at your job make it harder to find a mentor? Lucas: Because most potential mentors look at you and think, 'What do they need me for? They are already doing great.' And because you, the high achiever, often don't know what you don't know. You are getting positive reinforcement constantly—raises, bonuses, public recognition—so the gap between your current performance and your next level of growth is invisible to you. Luna: So it is like a blind spot created by success. Lucas: Exactly. Let me give you a concrete example. Last year I spoke with a senior engineer at Stripe—we will call her Priya. She had been at the company for about four years, excellent reviews every cycle, led a team that shipped a major payments feature. She felt stuck, but externally nobody would have guessed it. When she tried to find a mentor internally, she got a lot of polite versions of 'You are doing so well, I am not sure I can add much.' Luna: Ouch. So people basically told her she didn't need help. Lucas: Right. And that is the trap. High achievers often end up with mentors who essentially become cheerleaders. That feels nice, but it doesn't move the needle. What Priya actually needed was not a mentor—she needed a sponsor. Someone who would advocate for her to get a stretch assignment that scared her, or who would tell her the one thing she was doing wrong that nobody else would say. Luna: So let me make sure I understand the distinction. A mentor gives advice and perspective. A sponsor uses their influence to open doors for you. Lucas: Exactly. And for high achievers, especially those already at senior levels, sponsorship often matters more than traditional mentorship. But the problem is, sponsors usually only back people they know well and trust. So you have to build that relationship first. And the way to do it is not by asking for sponsorship directly—it is by demonstrating that you can take hard feedback and act on it. Luna: How did Priya eventually solve it? Lucas: She stopped looking for mentors in her immediate team or department. She identified a senior director in a completely different part of Stripe—someone who had no reason to cheerlead her. She approached him with a very specific ask: 'I want to understand the one skill that, if I developed it, would most change my career trajectory in the next two years. Would you be willing to give me that one piece of feedback?' Luna: And that worked? Lucas: It did. Because the ask was framed as a request for honest critique, not for validation. The senior director gave her a very pointed answer: she needed to develop executive presence in cross-functional meetings. She was technically excellent but too quiet in rooms where decisions were made. That was the blind spot her existing mentors had never mentioned. Luna: Because they probably assumed she would figure it out on her own, or they didn't want to offend her. Lucas: Exactly. And that is the core problem for high achievers. People around you assume you will be fine. So you have to explicitly signal that you are looking for growth, not comfort. You have to say, 'I want the feedback that is hard to give.' Luna: That takes a lot of self-awareness and courage. But I think there is another angle here. Some high achievers also struggle with a kind of imposter syndrome in reverse—they feel like they should already have all the answers, so asking for help feels like admitting failure. Lucas: That is a really good point. I have seen that. It is almost like the higher you climb, the more you feel like you have to project certainty. And that prevents you from forming the kind of vulnerable relationships that lead to real mentorship. Luna: So what do you do if you feel that internal resistance? How do you push past it? Lucas: One tactic is to reframe the ask. Instead of thinking, 'I need a mentor to fix my weaknesses,' think, 'I am looking for a thought partner to help me see around corners.' That feels less like a deficit and more like a strategic move. High achievers love strategy. So frame it as a strategic investment in your trajectory. Luna: That makes sense. You are not saying you are broken—you are saying you want to optimize. Lucas: Right. And then the next step is to be very disciplined about who you approach. Do not go to the person who already praises you. Go to someone who has a reputation for being direct, even blunt. They are more likely to give you the uncomfortable truth that creates real growth. Luna: And how do you find those people, especially in a large company? Lucas: Look for people who are known for asking hard questions in meetings. People whose feedback, when they give it, makes others pause. Those are your candidates. Then reach out with that specific ask I mentioned earlier—the one about a single skill that would change your trajectory. That question is disarming because it admits you have a gap, but it also shows you are proactive. Luna: I want to circle back to something you said earlier about sponsors versus mentors. For a high achiever who is already getting promoted, is it worth investing time in a mentor at all, or should they focus entirely on finding sponsors? Lucas: I think you need both, but the balance shifts. At the early career stage, mentorship is critical because you need to learn the basics of your craft. At the senior level, sponsorship becomes more important because your next leap often requires someone to put their reputation on the line for you. But a good sponsor usually also acts as a mentor—they give you advice because they are invested in your success. Luna: So you want to find someone who can do both, but you approach them with the sponsorship frame in mind. Lucas: Yes. And the way to build that relationship is to first prove you can take feedback. That is why Priya's approach worked—she showed she could hear something hard and act on it. Within six months, that senior director had recommended her for a high-visibility project that ultimately led to her promotion to staff engineer. Luna: That is a great outcome. But I imagine not every high achiever will have that experience. What about someone who is in a company with a very flat structure, or a small startup where there aren't many senior people to choose from? Lucas: That is a real challenge. In those situations, you might need to look outside your organization. Industry peers, former managers, even people you admire on LinkedIn who are a few steps ahead. The same principle applies—approach them with a very specific, low-ask request that signals you value their honest opinion, not just their praise. Luna: And if they say no? Lucas: That is fine. High achievers are used to rejection in other contexts—they just are not used to it in the mentorship context. But a no is a data point. It means that person is not the right fit, or maybe the timing is off. You move on. The key is not to take it personally and to keep refining your ask. Luna: I think another thing that holds high achievers back is they want a mentor who is exactly like them—same industry, same background, same career path. But sometimes the best mentor is someone very different, who can offer a completely new perspective. Lucas: That is a great observation. In fact, I would argue that for high achievers, the most valuable mentors are often the ones who are not in your field at all. A mentor from a completely different industry can ask the naive questions that reveal your hidden assumptions. For example, a senior engineer might benefit from a mentor who is a marketing executive, because that person will challenge the engineer's assumptions about what users value. Luna: That is a really creative approach. I have never thought about cross-industry mentoring for technical people. Lucas: It works because it sidesteps the cheerleader problem. The marketing executive has no reason to validate your technical skills. They will only engage if they find your problem intellectually interesting. And that forces you to articulate your challenges in a way that is clear and compelling. Luna: So the takeaway is: if you are a high achiever, don't look for a mentor who will tell you you are great. Look for someone who will tell you what you are missing, even if it is uncomfortable. Lucas: Exactly. And be explicit about that. Say, 'I am looking for someone who will challenge my thinking, not just affirm it.' That signals maturity and self-awareness, which are exactly the qualities that make senior leaders want to invest in you. Luna: I think a lot of our listeners might be in that exact position—doing well but feeling stuck. This episode gives them a clear action plan. Lucas: I hope so. And if this episode—or any of our episodes—has helped you think through a career move or decision, we want you to know that listener support is what keeps these shows ad-free and accessible. A couple of dollars a month at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo genuinely makes a difference. It helps us cover production costs and keep creating content like this. Luna: Yeah, it really does. Every contribution, no matter how small, directly supports the time we spend researching and recording. So if you have found value here, consider chipping in. Lucas: Now, back to where we were. One more thing I want to emphasize: the best time to start looking for a mentor or sponsor is before you need them. High achievers often wait until they hit a crisis or a plateau. But by then, building the relationship takes time you might not have. Start when things are going well, so that when you hit a rough patch, you already have someone in your corner. Luna: That is proactive career management at its finest. So start today, even if you think you don't need it. Lucas: Exactly. And remember, the goal is not to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear. It is to find someone who will help you see what you cannot see on your own. That is the real value of mentorship for high achievers. Luna: I think that is a perfect note to end on. Thanks for listening, everyone. Lucas: And if you have a story about finding a mentor as a high achiever, we would love to hear it. Reach out to us. Until next time.