Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Her Ex used the courts to keep abusing her | Here's how she fought back!

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Her Ex used the courts to keep abusing her | Here's how she fought back! · The Mental Healness Podcast

0:00
What is going on, beautiful folks?
0:03
Welcome to another episode of the mental illness podcast with
0:05
your favorite diagnose narcissist, Mrs. Lee Hammock,
0:07
myself. And today we have a very special
0:10
guest for you. She's going to be sharing her
0:13
journey about surviving post separation abuse.
0:15
All the other all the other just intertwining things about
0:19
narcissistic abuse. So Hedya is a full time teacher,
0:22
part time comedian, sharing lessons and putting on a show
0:25
both in the classroom and on stage.
0:28
She's taking her pain and turning it into purpose and
0:30
punch lines. And she's here to talk about
0:32
post separation abuse, toxic relationship dynamics and all
0:35
kinds of things like that. Welcome to the show, Miss Hedge,
0:37
how you doing today? Well, thank you so much for
0:41
having me. I'm super excited.
0:43
It's been it's been a long time coming, really.
0:45
Yeah, we've been following each other for years on social media.
0:49
Years. You taught me everything I know.
0:51
Years. It's wild.
0:53
I was like, damn, we've been following each other for a long
0:55
time on social media and whatnot, right?
0:57
So tell us a little bit about yourself and I'll get your intro
1:00
and whatnot, but go, go, go between the lines and whatnot.
1:04
Where do I start? So I am a kindergarten teacher.
1:09
You know, it's hard for me. I mean, I was a first grade
1:11
teacher and then with everything that I experienced, allegedly
1:16
the post separation abuse and everything, I actually left.
1:19
And then I recently decided to come back to teaching last
1:23
school year. So it's kind of been a healing
1:26
experience for me. You know, I've been taking my
1:28
power back and just gone back to teaching.
1:32
It's to stand up comedy on the side.
1:34
So every month I produce a comedy show called Heckling
1:37
Hands Comedy for A Cause where there's a different 'cause every
1:40
month that we raise money for. So it's just a way to bridge
1:43
together philanthropy, but also comedy.
1:45
I found a lot of healing through comedy and laughter.
1:49
And so it's my way to get back. And actually this month is
1:51
January is Stalking Awareness Month.
1:54
You know, that's a 'cause that's deeply personal to me right now.
1:58
And so we're raising money for Spark, which is the Stalking
2:02
Prevention, Awareness and Resource Center.
2:03
They're doing a lot of great work in talking about such a
2:06
stigmatized, misunderstood subject that is tied very
2:10
closely to, you know, post separation abuse and toxic
2:14
relationships and all that good stuff.
2:18
I didn't know. I've never heard of SPARK
2:19
before. That was interesting you said
2:21
that. Like the acronym for when I was
2:23
SPARK all about. So, so it's a non profit.
2:26
They share a lot of information and resources.
2:29
They don't, you know, it's not like say the national domestic
2:33
violence hotline or anything like that.
2:34
They don't provide you with like advocacy, like services, but
2:38
they are spreading a lot of information and educating people
2:41
on stalking. And what's crazy is that my ex
2:44
allegedly started, starts allegedly, I say that for legal
2:47
reasons. He was stalking me on TikTok
2:50
dating years back. And I actually just recently
2:53
discovered Spark. So I was like, no brainer.
2:56
This is who we're raising money for.
2:58
It's a non profit. And I think that one of the
3:00
biggest things when it comes to stalking, abuse, all these
3:04
things is is education because people are so misinformed,
3:08
people don't understand it, which makes it so much harder
3:11
for the victim or the survivor because it's already so
3:14
isolating and horrible to go through.
3:16
And then you have like the layers of trauma from society
3:19
misunderstanding your family, friends, not getting it.
3:22
So I'm a big believer in thinking about these things and
3:25
educating people on these things, you know, all around for
3:29
the victims of survivors and everybody involved, maybe one
3:31
day we can bring about meaningful change in the justice
3:34
system with it, too. So yeah.
3:37
It's follow us legally, which I think is hilarious.
3:40
Everybody should follow them. Follow us legally.
3:42
Follow us legally. Yeah, that's their handle.
3:44
I think it's genius. Yeah, that is that is Speaking
3:49
of the like the social media is stalking and when I you say you
3:52
were getting stalked on TikTok, the crazy name about it is when
3:55
you said that I remember being in one of your lives.
3:57
You might even knew I was in there.
3:58
I was just popped in one of your lives and I saw somebody typing
4:02
stuff in your live that had your name in there.
4:04
It was just like Hedge is a big head.
4:07
I forgot what it was saying. Some kind of weird name or
4:09
something like that. Yeah.
4:12
I yeah, I popped in your live and I remembered it because I
4:15
think I saw you share a video that very recently and you were
4:18
just kind of superimposing on the screen.
4:20
Like I put an overlay of like the some of the screenshots from
4:24
what had happened and whatnot. Or them being in your live
4:27
trying to antagonize you and stuff like that, which is crazy.
4:30
Like not just one name, there's multiple names.
4:32
Multiple was horrible. So I mean essentially for like 3
4:35
years on all of my live streams, this person who magically knew
4:39
information that only my allegedly abusive ex knew was
4:43
making. When I say countless like
4:45
countless countless countless accounts on TikTok, we would
4:49
ignore. He would come back in the same
4:50
live stream and people would ask like how did he do it?
4:53
How did he do it? And like, I think either he had
4:55
help or he himself had said that he hired bots and stuff.
4:59
I, you know, and it makes sense now that I'm learning more about
5:02
what bots are, but it was like a smear campaign, you know, he was
5:06
saying that I did like unspeakable horrible things to
5:08
children. Using my name, my picture, using
5:11
kids pictures, threatening to kill me, all that awful, awful,
5:15
awful stuff. And that went on for like 3
5:17
years. Threatening to sue me for
5:18
defamation. And lo and behold, my ex assumed
5:21
me for defamation. Oh, so the the bot was
5:25
threatening to sue you, the bots like you're going to get sued
5:28
for defamation and now sudden. Stop talking about abuse are
5:31
also going to sue you but it's a random troll so.
5:35
Yeah, it's a yeah, it's a random troll, but yeah, that's crazy.
5:38
That's crazy because I think a lot of people when you are
5:42
getting outside of a toxic relationship, it's stuff that
5:45
you see online as well, like about narcissistic abuse and
5:47
surviving abuse. One of the main things you hear
5:49
is like just get out of it, just leave and things like that.
5:52
And so many people have the misconception that leaving means
5:56
that it's over, right? I think people just think I
5:59
broke up with them. I'm free.
6:02
That's. What?
6:02
I thought how, what would you say to that right there?
6:05
What would you say with people just saying just leave and it's
6:08
over or whatnot? You'll be free.
6:10
You know, I, it's bullshit. I can't remember the statistic
6:14
right now off the top of my head, but people in those kinds
6:16
of relationships, they do try to leave so many times, but they
6:19
say that the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when
6:23
they're in the process of leaving or after they've left.
6:26
And like, you hear these things, you hear it, you hear it, but
6:29
until you really experience it, like first hand it, you it just
6:34
like in hindsight, I'm like, oh, my God.
6:36
Yeah, I remember people saying this.
6:37
Oh, my God. Yeah.
6:38
But I guess, like when I was in that relationship, I don't think
6:40
I fully processed that it was abusive.
6:43
But to people who say just leave, I mean, it is not that
6:46
simple. And 90% of women, and I'm sure
6:50
the statistic is similar for men.
6:52
I just know the statistic for women. 90% of women who were in
6:55
abusive relationships continue to experience abuse long after
6:59
that relationship ends. And it takes so many different
7:01
forms. So to tell someone just leave,
7:03
it's don't like just don't do it.
7:08
Like try to leave for sure. But just know it's really that
7:12
doesn't mean it's going to be like your end all be all
7:14
solution for sure. Yep, and I just I'm thank you
7:18
for sharing that right there because I like I don't remember
7:20
parts of your story and whatnot just from popping lives and just
7:23
watching some videos over the years and whatnot about that.
7:27
So people just think like, and I talked to so many survivors or
7:30
narcissistic abuse over the years that again, they think
7:33
that it's over when you leave. That's why it's sometimes I get
7:35
angry when people just say that just like my comment sessions,
7:38
you know, they're like, you should have just left if you
7:40
didn't, if you didn't leave, you must have liked it, right?
7:43
And people say stuff they're like all the time, like you
7:45
chose that person, right? You know, it's like, wait, what?
7:48
You know, And I would say I'm the.
7:50
Victim. Yeah, yeah.
7:53
And did you, I don't know if you saw that story that actually
7:55
happened very recently about the, the, the dentist in Ohio
7:59
and his wife that allegedly his ex, her, her ex-husband that she
8:04
divorced eight years ago came back and shot him, you know,
8:08
maybe. There's so many.
8:09
Yeah, it's like it's it happened Ohio dude.
8:11
The doctor's name was Spencer Tepe and his wife's name was
8:14
Monique. They are saying that Monique's
8:16
ex-husband from 8 years ago that she left right, that she
8:20
divorced, came back, broke into their house and shot him and her
8:25
eight years after the divorce. It's awful.
8:28
I just saw, I was just saw I was just saw a story today about a
8:30
woman who I think in like 2018 or something, her ex kills her,
8:37
their children and tried to kill her, I believe, and then killed
8:40
himself. And so it's just and I was
8:43
reading a little bit on it, but it's preventable.
8:45
She like tried to tell a judge like, hey, this man, I feel
8:48
unsafe. But yeah, it's sad.
8:50
I mean, because they just they never get over you.
8:52
Like you are their property. You are, you know, like and they
8:56
it's not like abusers. Most of them are over here going
8:59
to try to heal and move forward and unpack, you know, eight
9:03
years later is damn, that's that's scary.
9:06
That's awful. It's scary you to move down.
9:09
Built a life. She had two kids.
9:10
She had built her entire life without this person, free of
9:13
this person. And then he came back, broke
9:14
into the house and shot him in the middle of the night and he
9:16
got arrested for it. I mean, of course he's he, he
9:19
himself was a like a surgeon. So he was, you know, which is
9:23
crazy. I was like that.
9:24
He threw his whole life away. Just get vengeance on somebody
9:27
that left him eight years ago, you know, and that's the thing.
9:31
That people think that like these abusers, they have this
9:33
certain like, I don't know, image, I guess in their minds,
9:36
but like it's it's their surgeons, it's your dude in ad
9:39
sales and online marketing. It's, you know, that person that
9:42
looks normal to you know, so that's.
9:47
The looks normal thing is important because they work hard
9:50
to look normal, right? That's why they some sometimes
9:53
you get these psychopaths or these psychotic people.
9:56
They do jobs, they get married, they have children in order to
9:59
try to fit in. It's kind of like where their
10:01
careers, their lifestyle is their mask, right?
10:04
It's just like this is not who I really am.
10:06
They're like studying people like you go back and look at the
10:08
movie American Psycho with Patrick Bateman, how he was
10:11
looking at William Dafoe eat steak and he was mimicking how
10:14
he ate. He's like you're trying to just
10:16
mimic. He's a mimic.
10:18
He's not a real person. So it's kind of like that's what
10:20
these psychopaths do and whatnot.
10:22
And when you leave or when a relationship ends, do you take
10:25
part of that identity with them? It's like, I'm not, I'm exposed.
10:28
I'm not a human anymore. I need to say you hurt me.
10:33
I need to and then God. Forbid you you reveal that mask
10:36
like you know, like God forbid you.
10:38
You unmask them and you recognize who they are now and
10:42
then. God forbid you tell people
10:45
because I think you know, their perception or how they're
10:47
perceived by others. I would say is probably like the
10:51
most important thing to them. Like they don't care about
10:53
accountability. They don't care.
10:54
They just care about keeping that mascot.
10:58
Just a big part of right there that, that keeping their mask up
11:00
is a huge part of it. And like, like I said, it's kind
11:03
of like you living in this fantasy world, this delusional
11:05
world where I have a partner, I have this, I have that, but then
11:08
the partner gets taken away or the partner leaves and whatnot.
11:10
So everything comes shattering now, like my glass house gets
11:14
broken and whatnot. And that happens a lot, you
11:17
know, and I feel like that that could have would happen to, you
11:21
know, one of the, your exes or whatever the case may be, right?
11:24
You escape them, you leave them. So they try to inflict you call
11:27
us maximum pain on him and all you did was leave.
11:30
You didn't expose them. You didn't just say, hey, you
11:32
didn't Borb, you don't have a picture in your shirt on.
11:34
And like, so it's like, you know, you don't have that right
11:37
there. You know what I mean?
11:39
So you have here you have allegedly.
11:40
Oh yeah. But it's like you don't have a
11:43
picture in my. Opinion yeah, I just.
11:46
Yeah, but you like you say so I asked like what did you meet
11:50
your possible toxic X your alleged?
11:52
Toxic where? How?
11:53
Like how did we meet? We got online, we met on a
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dating app way back when it was like one of the first ones.
12:00
And now I have like so much trauma around dating apps.
12:03
So like I recently downloaded Hinge, I deleted again.
12:06
I'm like, you know, but we met on a, we met on a dating app and
12:09
now I'm like very cautious of them, obviously, because you
12:13
don't know these people, you know?
12:15
And it's like, am I meeting my future partner or another
12:18
nightmare? You know, like, I've been single
12:20
for years now. And I mean, I know a huge part
12:23
of that is because I'm like fucking petrified, excuse my
12:27
language to ever be in that situation ever again.
12:31
You know? Like you think you know someone.
12:32
I was with this person for so so long and I knew deep down that
12:35
he wasn't the best, but like I did not think that he was
12:40
capable of doing what he's allegedly been doing and done
12:43
for years now. No, that's what I'm thank you.
12:47
Thank you for saying that right there because that I didn't
12:49
think they were capable of that, of this, of that and whatnot.
12:52
I heard it so much from people. I promise you, I and that's one
12:56
of the main lessons that I've learned, like one of the main
12:59
lessons that I've learned is that I don't put anything past
13:02
anyone anymore because anyone is capable of anything, especially
13:05
when you are threatening their identity right there, you're
13:09
threatening their ego or whatever the case may be.
13:12
So even though when you're with this person, you've established
13:15
that you're with this person, y'all might not have been
13:16
married or whatnot, but it's just like you're with me.
13:19
You're part of my identity. Even though I might be treating
13:22
you badly behind the scenes, I'm doing this like you're we're
13:26
still together. You're still, you still belong
13:28
to me, but now you leave, you take that away and now you hurt
13:33
me. Like you causing it's kind of
13:35
like irreparable damage, right? You irreparable harm like this
13:39
scar will not heal. You know, I I got I got
13:42
neosporin, I got some staples, stitches, everything everything
13:46
will not heal. So I have to the only way it
13:49
feels good if I hurt you, you know, the only way it kind of
13:52
soothes it is if I cause some type of pain or distress to your
13:56
life. So that sometimes the post
13:58
separation abuse is just caused because this wound you left me
14:01
with is unhealing so I have to try to hurt you.
14:05
You know why sometimes you see them wait years.
14:07
It goes on for years like that. We ain't taught.
14:09
I ain't seeing you. I don't even mention your name.
14:13
You still after me? Thank you for saying that.
14:15
Because people ask me all the time.
14:17
They're like, well, why is he doing this?
14:18
Allegedly? Why is he doing that?
14:20
I'm like it to hurt me and to destroy me.
14:22
I mean, when I first became single, like I dropped like 30
14:27
lbs out of nowhere. I had obliques, I had my dog.
14:30
Life was good. Like, you know, you know, they
14:32
say they, you know who the problem was in a relationship
14:35
when the person who has the IT wasn't the person that had the
14:38
glove up, OK. And you know, then he sued me
14:41
for the dog that he got me for my birthday.
14:43
And then the smear, the cease and desist, the smear campaign,
14:47
the cyber stalking and now the defamation case.
14:51
So I, I do think that you're right.
14:53
They, they want to hurt you. I mean, the first time I ever
14:55
went to a cop about the cyber stalking, he literally said to
14:58
me, it sounds like it's an X. And he's not happy that you're
15:02
healing and moving forward and talking about it.
15:04
And, and the only reason I've ever talked about it is to help
15:06
others because that's, I wanted to pay it forward to all the
15:10
other people that shared their stories, you know, and community
15:13
is so important and healing too, so.
15:17
You've heard the term hit dollars.
15:18
Holler, you've heard that before, right?
15:19
I think so. Yeah, sometimes it's like when
15:22
you don't even mention somebody's name, but you're
15:24
telling your story, you're sharing your story.
15:25
It does. It does hit them internally.
15:27
It's the ego. So I have to lash out again.
15:30
That wound, it's still, it's pulsating now.
15:33
You know, you see the movies like it's, it's, it's like a
15:35
damn heartbeat. It's like doom, doom, Doom
15:37
actually talking about me again, Doom, doom.
15:39
You say that's what ends up happening sometimes.
15:42
Like you feel it pulsating and whatnot.
15:44
And I just like I do. I do remember, I think I saw one
15:47
of your videos and whatnot. I think I might actually shared
15:50
it. I think you might have had a
15:51
GoFundMe a long time ago about like the situation with the dog.
15:54
I think I might have shared it or something like that about the
15:57
situation with your dog and whatnot.
15:59
How I think maybe you want to talk about if you came like, I
16:03
just don't remember this dynamics.
16:05
I know you end up losing the dog.
16:07
So, yeah, of course. So we we could totally talk
16:10
about that briefly. That was, that was the first
16:11
time that the justice system fucked me over.
16:13
And the justice system does tend to screw victims over over and
16:17
over again. I mean, first of all, I just
16:18
want to say I'm so lucky. I never had kids with this
16:20
person, but that dog was like my child, you know, he he, I think
16:27
he got him for me as kind of like a tool to hold over my
16:32
head. But I remember I signed the
16:34
contract in a specific part that she said only one of us could
16:37
sign. And I was like, that's my dog.
16:39
And I think back then that was like my gut protecting me.
16:41
But once we broke up, I asked him like can we talk about me
16:46
keeping him for the summer or until we have like a Co
16:49
parenting plan in place because I was still so delusional that I
16:52
thought I could Co parent with this person.
16:54
Like I still didn't know exactly who he is.
16:57
And so, you know, he got mad, threatened to take the dog
17:00
forever and yada yada yada showed up at my studio that I
17:04
never gave him the address to demanding the dog all cool and
17:07
calm. I'm the one that freaked out
17:09
because I went into fight or flight.
17:11
I mean I didn't know any of this at the time.
17:12
This was like years ago and yeah, then eventually he I got a
17:17
restraining order, which I really didn't want at the time
17:20
because again, like I thought this was just a one off week
17:24
moment. Whatever.
17:25
I thought he was gonna apologize and everything is gonna be fine.
17:27
We could be friends one day and no.
17:29
Then he sued me in property court and at first he told me
17:34
that if I paid him like first he would like wanted to share him
17:37
on his terms. I was like no way I'm done being
17:40
controlled. Then he said OK fine then the
17:42
other option is $15,000 and I'll give you the dog.
17:46
Mind you the dog was my birthday gift right?
17:47
So when you buy someone a gift, you pay for it, like.
17:51
And he paid 5500. So we negotiated him.
17:54
Yeah, we negotiated him down to 7000.
17:57
I hired a lawyer, which cost me some so much money I don't have.
18:00
She negotiated him down to 7000. He said if she talks to me
18:03
without her lawyer present, I will let you keep him.
18:06
I spoke with him without my lawyer present.
18:08
I have the whole video recorded, by the way.
18:11
So if you're someone who's dealing with an abusive person,
18:13
document everything. OK, but so then he waited until
18:19
the night before the hearing to try to add in a clause to the
18:23
proposal. Even though he had said like he
18:25
he was totally fine with her proposal.
18:28
He said he would sign it. He waited until the night before
18:30
the hearing to add a clause where she had said, you know,
18:33
don't that we wouldn't talk about each other on social media
18:37
and and we wouldn't name names. He added and wanted her to edit
18:40
and say that I wouldn't say anything at all about the
18:44
relationship, about the dog, about anything involving him.
18:47
So he wanted to essentially silence me, in my opinion, which
18:51
has been the very clear motive for the last few years of my
18:55
life. So then his mother came
18:58
underoath and there was a Facebook comment where she
19:01
stated clear as day that the dog was my birthday gift, which was
19:04
what the judge, one of the things the judge was deciding
19:06
on. And she said, no, my son
19:08
corrected. My son called me right away,
19:10
corrected me and said that no, it's a family dog.
19:13
But then why was that comment still there a year and a half
19:15
later? Why was it there a month before
19:17
our hearing? Why was it there after we broke
19:19
up and then the judge wouldn't let my my lawyer say like she's
19:24
obviously perjuring herself. The judge didn't even want us to
19:27
have witnesses in the beginning. So it was just then I lost him
19:30
so. I hate that.
19:33
I hate that. That sucks right there, though.
19:35
Yeah, I really do hate that because like, you see, you
19:37
probably didn't even really want the dog, you know the dog is
19:41
with. His mother, like, oh, really?
19:44
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
19:46
Oh, God. But.
19:47
But you see that right there. Like sometimes they do things
19:49
just to try to hurt you, to protect their ego.
19:53
You can't. She needs a social media ban.
19:55
I don't want her talking it at all.
19:57
You know she got to change her name to something else, right?
20:00
Yeah. And he, like, I've always loved
20:02
the idea of content creation and blogging.
20:05
I was a journalism major, and he knew that I wanted to, like, one
20:08
day work for myself and do the content.
20:10
He knew that was a huge dream of mine.
20:11
And so I think it makes sense that he would want to silence me
20:15
and, you know, do everything to crush that dream.
20:19
Yeah, which sucks, which sucks in the long run, but it's good
20:23
that you right now because that's like one of the main
20:25
topics you're putting your your bio, you turn your pain to
20:29
triumph and things like that. You comedy.
20:31
You do stand up. I think you do stand up comedy,
20:33
right? I do yes, I fell in love when I
20:36
went on a leave from all the cyber stalking and it was just
20:39
bad and my the school that I was at at the time, like just wasn't
20:42
a really great place, especially like when I was dealing with the
20:45
dog hearing it was like horrible.
20:47
So when he was cyber stalking me allegedly and I, you know, tried
20:51
to get a restraining order and I had a court date.
20:53
I was like, I can't I can't do this while being a teacher.
20:56
So I went on a leave and while I was on leave, people on six are
20:59
like, oh, you're so funny, you're so funny.
21:00
You should do comedy. I had never thought that about
21:02
myself. So I went I did a workshop and I
21:05
fell in love. And the first time I like I
21:07
choked so bad I had no idea what I was doing.
21:09
And in the past, if I choked that something like I would have
21:12
never done it again. But instead I was like, all
21:14
right, let's go. Let's tweak this.
21:15
Let's And the first time that I performed, it was like a
21:18
graduation ceremony. I felt like I was high, like it
21:21
just felt so good. So comedy has been a really
21:26
helpful tool for me through some really friggin dark moments for
21:31
sure. That's good though.
21:32
I'm, I'm happy that you found you found that, that ability to
21:35
find happiness and peace and all that.
21:37
So you feel like the post operation abuse and the things
21:41
you'd be going through after the relationship has ended, is that
21:44
a motivational factor for you? Did it become a motivator?
21:46
Because like you say it, yeah. I mean, my whole dream a long
21:51
time ago was like, or my purpose when my relationship ended, I
21:55
thought I or still, I mean, it's still a dream in the back of my
21:57
head. It was to be a social emotional
21:58
empowerment coach for children and for women who had been in
22:01
abusive relationships. So that's how I wanted to turn
22:03
my pain into my purpose. And with everything that
22:07
happened with the cyber stalking, like, I mean, a
22:09
massive amount of debt came with the health issues.
22:12
I, I had to stop taking this NYU class that was going to help me
22:15
with the coaching and, you know, left teaching for a while.
22:18
And then I had financial issues with my jobs, blah, blah, blah,
22:20
blah, blah. So I had to pivot and, you know,
22:24
everything that he has done, like people, somebody actually
22:27
was asking me the other day, like, how do you have the energy
22:29
to do like do what you do? And I'm like, my rage at my
22:33
justified rage at everything that I have been dealing with is
22:37
my motivator. I mean, this man robbed me of my
22:39
20s and then robbed me of half my 30s.
22:42
I'm like, it's only now that I'm finally in a place where I'm
22:44
like, I'm not going to be silenced.
22:47
And I don't care if it kills me. I am going to die trying to
22:52
rebuild and live the life that I deserve.
22:55
And I'm not going to be silenced because I know that me speaking
22:58
out not only helps me process, but I know that it helps other
23:03
people. I've got messages all the time
23:05
and, and it's important to me that anybody that either a
23:08
younger woman or a younger man, here's my story and uses it as a
23:12
warning or a guide or somebody who can relate knows that
23:16
they're not alone and knows that like, yes, it's hard, but you
23:19
can keep going and to not give up.
23:22
Yeah, this because like right there, sometimes that's what
23:24
people need is like the motivation to keep moving
23:27
forward, right? Because stories help people.
23:31
You know, sharing your story or just kind of finding, you know,
23:35
power and pain or whatever the case may be after it ends does
23:39
help a lot of people, you know, because it motivates people
23:42
because so many people want to give up.
23:44
Like a lot of people I talk to, I promise you, a lot of people I
23:46
do, I do my coaching calls and things like that, or even in
23:48
people who just follow me, maybe on the verge of give it up until
23:51
they see one of my videos or see somebody else's video that I
23:54
share it on that I'm reacting to.
23:56
Your videos helped me so much. Like I learned so much.
23:59
I felt like not crazy, you know, like, I mean, when you go
24:03
through this, you feel crazy and just seeing other people like
24:07
sharing, knowing that it's no, it's not all in your head and
24:09
and you're not alone. Like it was really helpful.
24:11
I mean, there was a point in like a couple years ago when it
24:14
was just, it was so bad that I struggled with ideation.
24:17
Like he would be threatening to kill me and I would be like, I
24:20
fucking wish that he would like because it was just between how
24:24
awful. I mean, I'm a pretty strong
24:26
person, but if you have somebody coming in like constantly,
24:29
constantly, constantly saying horrible things to you and
24:32
threatening you and threatening your family and then you're
24:34
going to the cops and having to rehash it all the time and
24:37
nobody's helping you like it. It was very hard for me, you
24:40
know, but I, I think it's the right, I refuse to give up and,
24:45
and I, I know what I want for myself in my life.
24:48
I've seen other people in similar shoes to me keep
24:51
fighting. I keep going and and I, I just,
24:54
I refuse to give up on that. Good for you because that's
24:57
empowering right there. Because so many people get to
24:59
that point where they do want to give up.
25:01
And just speaking from a narcissistic perspective, that's
25:04
what they want you to do. They want to exhaust you.
25:06
They want to see you defeated and giving and beaten down,
25:09
right? Because although some you get to
25:12
psychopaths, whatever, some of them do take pleasure in your
25:14
pain. They get tired of doing it too.
25:16
Sometimes it's like, OK, let me see.
25:18
Make sure she's giving up yet. Has she?
25:20
You know what I mean? You know, you have seen
25:22
wrestling, oh wrestling before The Undertaker used to just rise
25:26
up, Undertaker's sleep and he just rise up out of nowhere.
25:30
That's what the type of stuff they hate happening because they
25:32
do want to exhaust you into giving up or just giving in and
25:35
whatnot. Because yeah, because the years
25:39
later it's kind of crazy, right. But there is a term that I was
25:44
telling you that story about the the dentist, that the dentist
25:47
and his wife got killed by the allegedly got killed by the her
25:50
ex-husband. There's a term that came up
25:52
called nurtured resentment. And, and that was just like
25:57
nurtured resentment happens when the person is like, the person
26:02
has been hurt for they, they, they just stored the pain and
26:06
they're constantly replanted. They constantly replaying the
26:09
pain that they went through over and over again.
26:12
And it hurts and it sucks for them so much that they have to
26:16
try to get rid of it, right? They have to try to get rid of
26:18
the pain. They have to try to shake it off
26:21
or just do, and they just replay it and just get anger, angrier
26:24
and angrier and angrier. So sometimes that's what causes
26:28
the post separation abuse thing to happen, right?
26:30
Because they've been hurt so much, they're so angry that they
26:33
have to try to hurt you because of it.
26:36
You hurt me years ago. You put me through this pain and
26:39
I'm reliving it in my head just like, OK, I'm gonna get a good
26:42
night's sleep. And it just like start literally
26:46
soon as you fall. It's kind of like Freddy Krueger
26:48
movies, you know, as soon as you fall asleep, you wake up.
26:50
Soon as you close your eyes, you wake up in a, in a like, how did
26:52
I get to this field? You know, so just like haunted
26:56
house. I mean, you know this, but they
26:59
see themselves as the victim, you know, like they don't like
27:03
you're the villain and they're the victim.
27:04
They, they don't think about what they did to you and how
27:08
they are responsible or, you know, your reaction to them or,
27:12
or, or whatever happened after. It's just you're the villain in
27:16
their story. And they, I think that they
27:18
genuinely believe that. And then I think that they try
27:21
to genuinely convince themselves and others of that too.
27:24
And so that I don't think helps. So sometimes they do understand
27:30
what they've done wrong, like they feel bad and they have to
27:32
try to validate that. Validate, validate themselves
27:37
through blaming you. That's the easiest way.
27:40
That's the easiest when a shame starts creeping in, when it's
27:42
kind of like the darkness is about to touch you.
27:45
Like I got to get rid of it. And the easiest way for me to
27:47
kind of shine the light on shame, to get rid of it is to
27:50
blame the other person. It's like, do these mental
27:52
gymnastics do this, blame. I did this because this, yeah,
27:57
the only reason I'm doing this is because she did this.
28:00
She did that. She made me do this, right?
28:03
I'm not a, I'm not a stalker. I'm not stalking you.
28:06
I'm actually just, I'm just, you just haven't been in the same
28:09
place like that. It's just they're justified or
28:11
whatnot. Like I have to make you feel
28:14
pain because you made me feel pain.
28:16
You hurt me, so I have to hurt you.
28:17
It really is. They're trying to get you back.
28:20
They're trying to make you feel what they felt, a little bit of
28:23
what they felt. And that's why you, you see some
28:24
of them get so pissed off and so angry at you.
28:26
You like I haven't talked to you in years.
28:28
I don't talk about you no more. Like I might crack a joke on
28:31
stage every once in awhile, you know, and whatnot, but that's
28:36
about it. And it's like, you did right?
28:37
What you something? Like like for me, a lot of
28:40
people like during the cyber stalking, like during the days
28:43
of it, I mean, I'm sure he probably still watches all my
28:46
shit, but what I noticed, it's just like that cop hadn't
28:49
noticed, you know, like I wasn't really like I was living my best
28:52
life. I was barely talking about the
28:54
abuse. Like I was just, you know, I
28:56
started healing with head because I was just trying to
28:58
share my healing journey and my life and my life as a teacher
29:01
and all that stuff. And I remember I made a tick
29:03
tock one time and I was like, Oh my God, I'm fine feeling like
29:05
myself again. I had had a pretty hard year.
29:07
I think the cyber stalking had started to start.
29:11
And then I was fine. Like I chopped off, my hair was
29:12
blonde. I was feeling myself.
29:13
I was like, yes, because you know, you chop off trauma when
29:16
you chop off your hair and that's when it really beefed up.
29:20
It was like May of like 2022, I want to say.
29:23
And it, it beefed up. It was like targeting me,
29:27
targeting people that would live stream with me, stalking and
29:30
harassing like people that would be in my life.
29:32
She's like, and why, what's the goal?
29:34
What's the purpose? That's to isolate, you know,
29:36
Like, I've had people that recently came back into my lives
29:38
and they're like, So, you know, that's part of why I kind of
29:43
stopped because, duh. I mean, the vibe was, I'm a
29:45
great vibe. But when you have somebody over
29:47
there that's like, harassing you and saying all these awful
29:50
things and just prodding you and prodding you and prodding you,
29:53
I'd like, nobody wants to be around that, you know?
29:55
And it took a toll on my mental health, too, for a little bit.
29:58
Like, I wasn't making the best content when I was just busy
30:01
trying to survive and, like, deal with litigation and all
30:03
this crap. So.
30:06
Yeah. Because it's kind of like when
30:08
you're trying to heal and you're trying to do everything, not
30:11
just healing, you're surviving as well, right?
30:14
It's just like you're barely, it's kind of like you're in a
30:16
deep, deep into the pool when you're barely trading water.
30:18
He's like, you know, just you're just, your lips are above the
30:21
surface, like you're just able to suck in enough air to keep
30:25
moving right back under. And then and then there you have
30:28
this person with an anchor. This is how I describe it.
30:31
So it's funny that you've mentioned water.
30:32
You have this person, it's almost like they've got an
30:34
anchor tied to their waist and they're trying to freaking bring
30:37
you down with them. Like, so I mean, it was, it was
30:41
a lot. I, I'm definitely happy to be in
30:43
a, in a much different place, but you know, it's still
30:47
unresolved because I've got this active defamation case.
30:50
That's litigation abuse if you ask me.
30:55
That any type of abuse these I'm saying after relationship ends,
30:58
you like I said, post separation abuse includes like litigation
31:02
abuse in and out. Of course, like like you said,
31:04
even with your your dog and whatnot.
31:06
Sometimes with kids, it's like whatever they whatever hold,
31:11
whatever hold they have left, right, it's.
31:14
Really sad. I mean, I, I can't remember if I
31:16
said this to you before we started talking about the, the
31:18
woman who I just saw today that the man killed the, the, the
31:22
kids like they don't even care about the children like anything
31:25
to hurt you. And I, there's people I, I feel
31:27
so horrible for people that share children with these kinds
31:31
of people because the kids are used as pawns and props and, and
31:35
they'll hurt them to hurt you. They'll turn the kids against
31:38
you. Like, I mean, I'm glad at the
31:39
end of the day, it was, it was just a dog.
31:41
I mean, I still miss him sometimes, but like, I'm so I
31:44
still feel so blessed. And despite everything that I've
31:47
been through in the last few years since that relationship
31:50
ended, I still feel so blessed because I made it out alive
31:54
because and, and, and that trauma bond was broken.
31:57
And I always say that the best thing he ever did for me was to
32:01
leave me alone in the middle of the pandemic and never come
32:03
home. Like to not say anything until I
32:05
signed the lease in my own studio.
32:07
That was the most beautiful thing and and I love that dog
32:11
and this was better than that dog because him not coming home
32:14
gave me that space. And you know, it was Heather,
32:17
you know, nurse Heather who had taught me about trauma bonds and
32:20
how to break them. Of course, in hindsight, but I
32:22
realized that him not coming home for months and then just
32:27
like toying back and forth with me with the dog until we
32:29
officially broke up and left the apartment.
32:32
The best thing he could have ever done for me, because that
32:34
space to anyone that I mean, that This is why we say to
32:37
leave, But it's not that easy, you know?
32:38
But that space is how you break the no contact.
32:41
The, the, the space is how you break that trauma bond.
32:44
And I'm, I will forever be grateful for that.
32:47
To me, it feels like I dodged death.
32:48
I dodged a bullet. I dodged, you know, I mean,
32:51
before every comedy show, I'm like, is this the one where I'm
32:53
gonna get murdered? But I'm like well.
32:54
Lord. If I do, there's only one prime
32:57
suspect. So go ahead.
32:59
I was like, I'll haunt you. I'll haunt you while you're in
33:02
jail. That's so rough right there,
33:04
though. That's so rough right there in
33:06
this space, because I was gonna ask you, do you think that that
33:09
person might have popped up at a comedy show or something like
33:11
that? Are they in the same so?
33:12
Before, I mean before every. So actually the first time was
33:17
Backtrack. First time he tried to serve me
33:19
with legal papers over, you know, whatever this is.
33:23
Well first it was via e-mail a long time ago I made a tick talk
33:25
about the dog. He sent me an e-mail cease and
33:27
desist and I never spoke about it for like months because I was
33:30
scared and won't behold I was right.
33:32
Then eventually I spoke to like the Legal Aid Society and they
33:35
were like, well, as you're speaking your truth, it's not
33:37
against a lot of speak your truth.
33:38
So I started talking a little bit more and then the stalking
33:41
happened. Whatever about not summer 2025,
33:44
summer of 2024, I was working at a wine bar.
33:47
I was teaching part time and I was hosting an open mic.
33:51
So I'm in the bag doing my open mic and apparently somebody came
33:54
to try to serve me with a cease and desist.
33:56
I ignored it because to me that's litigation abuse.
33:59
I did not do anything wrong. And then I was doing a comedy
34:03
show, it's called Hot Girl Summer.
34:04
The theme that day was bad dates.
34:06
OK, so the irony in this. And I will always find humor and
34:09
shit. Some girl and her boyfriend came
34:13
and sat down like they were part of the freaking audience.
34:16
And as I go to the bathroom, she follows me behind me with these
34:20
papers and says, and this part's important because she lied.
34:24
And I just recently found out she's saying Heidi.
34:26
Haiti, Haiti, Haiti, Haiti. Heidi.
34:28
Heidi. Is this Heidi?
34:28
And I'm like, no, I'm not Heidi. And so I walk across the bar.
34:32
I'm head ya bitch. OK.
34:33
I walk across the bar. She drops the paper on the barn
34:36
is like, you've been served, bitch.
34:38
And that's when he tried to serve me with a defamation
34:42
paper. So my idea of a bad date, the
34:44
one that ended up with me having, you know, getting served
34:47
defamation papers and being cyber stocked.
34:49
So ironically, like it was good for the bit, it's good for the
34:52
bit. Oh wow, yeah.
34:55
I saw recently that when she wrote like her papers for the
34:58
court, she's like, I asked her if she's had yeah, she said yes
35:01
and and refused the papers or something like that.
35:02
That's not at all that happened, but.
35:05
Yeah. Oh, lordy.
35:06
Yeah, yeah. Finally to the bathroom.
35:11
Oh dear Lord. I was going to the bathroom,
35:14
followed me out, and what's crazy is my boss who owns the
35:16
wine bar, somebody called him to tell him that something was
35:20
going to happen. Like they were like we told him
35:22
not to do it or something like that.
35:23
I don't know. We'll never get to the bottom of
35:25
it. I don't know who called.
35:26
I don't know if it was a law firm.
35:27
I don't know if somebody was trying to be nice and give the
35:29
heads up, but like, it's chaos. You come and do that.
35:32
Not only was it my comedy show, but it was my place of work
35:34
like, and my boss was like, he obviously wants you to, he wants
35:39
me to like let you go, you know, like it it because the things
35:42
that they do, they do impact your job.
35:44
I mean, I, I went on a leave from the teaching, then I
35:47
resigned completely. And and you know, like if you
35:50
Google my name, this lawsuit comes up and like some TikTok
35:54
that says how do you have a transvestite like?
35:56
Just like oh. Yeah, just like, I mean, I'm
35:58
glad it's not even more because like the shit.
36:00
I mean he literally was saying that I and abuse children and
36:03
I'm a teacher like disgusting like.
36:06
A little. Disgusting.
36:08
Yeah. Yeah, that is rough as hell
36:10
right there. I I really hate when we had to
36:12
go to do stuff like that just because you decided to leave
36:14
somebody. Thanks and the.
36:16
Crazy part is I would have stayed with him.
36:18
He's the one that like made the final calls.
36:20
Like again, best thing he ever did for me because I, I, I mean,
36:24
I was the one that said we need space.
36:26
But when it came down to it because of the trauma bond, I
36:28
was like, no, don't leave me. You know, like it made no sense
36:32
to me too. Made no sense.
36:33
Like he physically dragged me across my kitchen and two days
36:36
later I baked him a 2 tier chocolate cake in a lasagna.
36:39
Like, make that make sense, Lee? Like, no, it makes sense to me,
36:43
you know? That's from the bonds, you know,
36:44
Exactly, yeah. Yeah, it makes sense to me.
36:47
Used to. It used to make sense.
36:48
I was like, Yep, the cake after that.
36:51
What are you? What are we?
36:52
Doing here 2 tier chocolate cake.
36:55
Yeah, this is that's, that was a simplistic viewpoint I used to
36:58
have on this type of relationship before I got, you
37:02
know, deep, deep in the mud of narcissistic abuse and science
37:05
relationship dynamics. I so I understand it now, right?
37:08
You said Nurse Heather helped you out.
37:10
I actually met her in real life. I know I was so jealous.
37:12
I saw that. I remember I.
37:14
Actually got to beat her in real life, which is cool and actually
37:16
came because like, apparently we live in the same state.
37:18
They live in the same city. Actually, she got kind of crazy.
37:22
Yeah, we actually live in the same city.
37:23
So she came to my my little workshop that where I had down
37:26
there and whoa, not down there. Down here, like down there.
37:30
Yeah, what I'm talking about my mind went blank and well, yeah,
37:32
that's a part of it. So I gotta get a chance to meet
37:34
her when I she's cool. Like I said, she's amazing
37:36
person to help people out and just.
37:38
Sharing. Her story?
37:39
Help people out, you see. You are like the creators that
37:42
really helped me open my eyes the most because you know, I I
37:46
and This is why I loved loved. I don't love it as much anymore.
37:49
Social media so much is that you really can learn a lot from each
37:54
other, you know, And for me, you know, I remember I had a text to
37:58
his mother once and somebody pointed this out to me.
38:01
When I showed it to her, I said, I feel like I'm with an abuser.
38:05
Like when we were together, I said, I feel like not I am with
38:08
because it's not until after the relationship ended that I really
38:11
started to be like, whoa, you know, like actually my first
38:14
moment where I was like, OK, maybe I was an abusive
38:16
relationship was when we were sitting down at the initial
38:19
hearing on zoom with like the clerk before the before I got to
38:22
the judge and he sat there and he said to her, I gave her such
38:27
a good life. I never put my hands on her.
38:29
Meanwhile, when we were when he was like breaking up with me
38:32
officially, like the last day that we left the apartment, he
38:34
literally looked at me and said, I put my hands on you.
38:37
I could never forgive myself. So I'm like, huh, you know, and
38:41
that's when I, it like dawned on me, you know, because I didn't,
38:45
I didn't want to believe that this man that I had fallen for
38:48
and been with for so long was, was capable of exactly what
38:53
happened. You know, like I didn't believe
38:55
it then. And I feel like that's kind of
38:57
how it it works for a lot of. People, that's exactly how it
39:00
works right there, right? That's exactly how it works,
39:04
because in these situations, in these scenarios, like most
39:07
people notice that most if they show you exactly who they are,
39:11
you wouldn't deal with them, right?
39:13
If they like come up to you in the first date, just like, just
39:16
so you know, had you. I'm I'm super toxic.
39:21
I'll be lying a lot. I might, I might, I might you
39:25
might have to square up with me like most people, just like you
39:28
know what check please you something that most people do
39:31
that and I said most because some people I've talked to some
39:34
people before, they're just like I didn't I didn't get love bomb
39:37
like they were horrible from date #1 but I saw it as an
39:40
opportunity. I saw it as an opportunity to
39:43
help them out and help them heal.
39:44
I was like whoo. That's why I think everyone
39:47
should be in therapy. I do think there was a part of
39:49
me I thought I could fix him. I could fix him.
39:52
No, go to therapy. I will not be your therapist.
39:54
I will not be your mother to the future.
39:56
Whoever my future partner is, you better be Take your ass to
39:59
therapy and fix your mommy issues.
40:01
I'll fix mine. I will not be your mother.
40:04
I refuse. I refuse.
40:07
Yeah, and that's why it's important for you to recognize
40:09
that and just be, just understand it from your, your
40:11
viewpoint that you have the power to just walk away at the
40:15
beginning. Like the red flags be red
40:17
flagging, you know, say. Though it's hard, I think it's,
40:21
I think one of the because especially now that I'm like
40:24
trying to get back into dating again, I think one of the
40:26
hardest things is they fuck up your like, like your perception
40:32
of the world that it's like so hard to practice discernment
40:36
sometimes like, because I'll be like, is this a red flag or am I
40:39
projecting? Because I'm like, you know, I'm
40:41
like, maybe it's me projecting that this guy's a narcissist.
40:44
Like I would say that's kind of the hard thing.
40:46
But that's something that I think is really important that
40:48
people need to work on in therapy and, you know, learning
40:51
how to practice discernment and trust yourself so that you don't
40:55
continue to accept bread crumbs and the red flags and the things
40:58
that you accepted and tolerated for so long.
41:01
So it's like now, you know, like in my 20s, I didn't know shit
41:04
about red flags and, and all of this stuff.
41:07
But now it's like, OK, I know. So, you know, then you also have
41:11
to be aware of like your triggers and trauma responses so
41:13
that you aren't projecting on somebody else, but you are
41:16
taking care of yourself and like, you know, being cautious
41:20
or as cautious as you call me because some of them are just
41:22
master manipulators like. Yes, I mean a lot of Yeah, the
41:25
mass manipulated part is 100,000% true, right?
41:28
Here's what you're saying. It's it's hard to detect it from
41:32
the very beginning for most people, unless you like, unless
41:35
you know this person will have a, you hear about this person
41:38
before someone along those lines.
41:39
So that's why I say it's super important to just recognize,
41:42
being able to recognize that from the beginning because like
41:44
you can empower yourself, you can do whatever you need to do
41:47
in these situations and that helps you out in the long run.
41:50
It really does, you know, just like as you, you know, moving
41:53
forward, you know, in the dating world because the dating apps
41:56
and that's what I tell people, dating apps are the narcissistic
41:59
people, the narcissist breeding ground, the playground.
42:02
Yeah, because I can be whoever I want to be.
42:05
I can dating social dating app for me is kind of make believe.
42:09
I can put whatever I want to on there.
42:11
You don't know me. I can lie.
42:15
And most times, if you are an empathetic person, you have a
42:18
high capacity for empathy. You're going to tell the truth
42:21
about yourself. You're going to put them there.
42:23
You're going to put it on your your wants and needs and
42:25
everything like that. And somehow I fit all you want
42:27
to need, right? I don't know.
42:29
It's gonna mirror you. Yeah, they're gonna mirror you
42:32
just based on what you put online.
42:33
That's why I tell people you guys kind of be vague with your
42:36
stuff on social media. Just put one want, one need.
42:40
Don't list up. Don't put your Yeah, don't over
42:43
share on there. Just like I like long walks in
42:45
the park thinking roses. Surface level Doo Doo Doo,
42:49
you're saying? True.
42:52
You mean I just, I wish they come up with like.
42:54
You want to be authentic like I like, I can't deal with fake and
42:58
sometimes I'm too authentic for my own good.
43:01
But at the same time, like, unfortunately, when you're an
43:04
authentic person, a lot of people will use that against
43:08
you, you know? So yeah, about the dating apps,
43:12
man. Yeah, a lot of people absolutely
43:14
will use that against you, you know, because the the benefit to
43:17
them is, is great because they are getting their needs met,
43:20
whatever that looks like for them, you know what I mean?
43:23
Whatever that looks like for them, they're getting their
43:25
needs met. So that's what happens all the
43:27
time. It really is.
43:29
Yeah, it's, it is baby steps that you continue to heal as you
43:33
continue to move forward. You're going to get through this
43:35
Like there's gonna be a chapter. This will be part of your set,
43:38
you know, If it's not already, you know.
43:41
If you come to a show of mine or if you see my set on YouTube, a
43:45
lot of it, yes, like it comes from a lot of it has to do with
43:48
that. And you know, people look at you
43:50
look at me like I'm crazy or they judge me and they think I'm
43:52
not overhand. They think I'm like, no, you're,
43:54
you're, I'm sorry, but you're an idiot.
43:55
Like I am taking the shit that happened to me and I'm
43:58
alchemizing it because what else is art?
44:00
Most of the time art is people taking their trauma and making
44:05
something out of it, whether it's a play, a book, a painting,
44:09
a, you know, comedy skit, that what else would you do?
44:13
I think, you know, a lot of times people feel uncomfortable
44:15
when people do that or when people make jokes.
44:17
And don't get me wrong, there's people that make jokes to not
44:19
heal, but for me personally, like I process it in therapy and
44:24
then I can play with it. I can't remember who said it,
44:26
maybe it's Charlie Chaplin. Like it's like you play with
44:29
your pain. And I think that that's really,
44:31
really important. And I think that's really
44:33
healing. And that might not be what works
44:34
for you or for somebody else, but that's what works for me.
44:38
And I love to be able to laugh at this shit that I've been
44:41
through. And that tells me like, Oh my
44:42
God, it doesn't have power over you anymore.
44:45
It doesn't control you because you can make jokes about it.
44:48
I mean, there was times I couldn't pass by my old
44:49
apartment without crying or without like, you know, having
44:53
like flashbacks and stuff and or talk about these things without
44:56
having flashbacks and feeling like all the emotional shit come
45:00
to surface. And now it's like, no, if I can
45:03
get on stage and make a joke about how I left teaching
45:06
because I had a stalker and I came back to 22 more, but at
45:09
least they're cuter and probably about the same height.
45:13
Like I love that I can do that and I'm proud of that.
45:16
And and, you know, I think it's important to create something
45:20
out of the things that you go through.
45:22
I think it could be very, very healing.
45:24
And for me it is. Yep, there you go right there,
45:27
because like I said, that does make sense in that situation
45:29
right there because like you find power in your pain.
45:33
The the most common phrase I've heard about that is like turn
45:35
your turn your mess into your message, right?
45:38
And allows you to to heal right there or just allows you to go
45:41
through the healing journey. Or, you know, if you can make
45:44
fun of yourself sometimes and they paint out of the painful
45:46
situation, nobody else can hurt you with the same thing.
45:50
That's damn true. If I'm joking about it, you
45:53
can't. If you joke about it doesn't
45:55
hurt my feelings like I'm hurting my own feelings, I've
45:57
dealt with it right. I looked at a mirrored play.
45:59
Yeah, and it does. Look at the mirror.
46:01
More comfortable. Though, because people I think
46:03
like people don't want to laugh at your pain.
46:06
And I'm like, listen, if I'm up on stage making a joke, it's OK.
46:10
You can laugh about it, OK. Like, you know, maybe it might
46:13
be different if it's like a comedian that's never
46:15
experienced it. I mean, I know they get like
46:17
slack if they're making they get like, you know, it's not OK for,
46:20
for them for a misogynist to come here and make a joke about
46:23
abuse. But I'm like, if I did it, if
46:25
I'm on stage making a joke out of what I've been through, I
46:27
promise you, you can laugh. I promise you I'm okay and I
46:32
won't be offended because the first time I did my set, you
46:36
know, made a joke about how my, my kids, you know, whenever
46:39
they'd be cranky, they would take a nap in the cozy corner
46:41
and like my ex would take it out on me.
46:44
And you hear somebody in the background like, oh, and I'm
46:46
like, no, it's OK, laugh. I'm like, but I got it.
46:49
It's not, it's not a light topic.
46:51
So not everybody has that same sense of humor, and that's fine.
46:56
Yeah, they're not. Everybody had.
46:57
This is a humor, you know, because like a lot of.
47:00
Yeah, a lot of my stuff like that, my skits and stuff like
47:02
that include humor in these toxic situations.
47:05
And it doesn't go over smoothly sometimes, right?
47:08
People comment like this. Yeah, People like this is not
47:10
funny. Oh, Lodi, you know, it's just
47:12
like. Like people that maybe aren't in
47:14
that place in their healing journey either might not be OK
47:17
with it. And but that's OK.
47:18
Like I feel like, I feel like we live in a society where
47:20
everybody thinks that you have to think one way.
47:22
And I'm like, listen, maybe you're just not in your journey
47:24
where you can laugh at what you've gone through and that's
47:26
OK. But that doesn't invalidate how
47:28
I heal and where I am in my journey, you know so.
47:32
Yeah, Yeah, that's important right there.
47:34
So you like, say you you're doing good and coming through
47:36
this right here because like, you've been in different
47:38
battles, like you're getting from different angles.
47:40
Because when a, you know, when a narcissistic person is trying to
47:43
hurt you, they will find different ways.
47:45
Yeah. That's when they're allegedly
47:46
trying to hurt you or they're trying to do something to you.
47:49
One thing doesn't work or they get, they get over on one thing,
47:51
they'll try to find something else to stay attached to.
47:54
Still has another access. You know, that's what they do.
47:57
That's what I do. For me, it's been now it's just
48:00
getting through like the financial crisis part of it.
48:04
But I tell myself, like, I have survived and gone through so
48:09
much that I never expected to. And I'm like, OK, well, I made
48:12
it. So like now I'm gonna make it
48:14
again. You know, like money comes and
48:16
goes and you know, I will have my eat, pray, love moment where
48:20
this, where this pain is not only turning my pain into my,
48:23
you know, purpose, power, punch lines, it's going to turn into
48:26
my profit too. Because like I, I, I deserve
48:30
better. And you know, all victims that
48:33
have dealt with this deserve better.
48:34
Like finances and the justice system are like 2 of the biggest
48:38
ways that they continue to try to destroy you, whether directly
48:41
or indirectly after it ends. And like you just got to keep
48:45
going and fighting for yourself. And it's exhausting to like work
48:48
your ass off all the time. And you know, you still have to
48:52
like got to keep going. And that's what I tell myself.
48:55
And that's what I would tell anyone that like is watching
48:57
this and and you know, needs a little pick me up.
49:00
I know it's exhausting. Take your rest, cry it out
49:03
sometimes and then get get right back up.
49:05
Then you could do it. Yeah, it's OK, and it's OK to
49:08
cry. Sometimes I think somebody will
49:09
get to that space where they think tears.
49:11
Yeah, they think tears are a weakness.
49:13
And just like, I cried because I'm weak, I'm crying because I'm
49:16
hurting, I'm crying because like, no still.
49:18
Not you can cry playing it's a form of release.
49:20
I wish people knew that. Like it really, I mean, just the
49:24
other day I was feeling really dysregulated and like in just a
49:27
freeze mode, like I had something happen, the world's
49:30
whatever. And so I googled like, OK, how
49:32
can I get out of freeze mode? And I was doing, I think it was
49:34
like shaking your hands or like turn your head to this side and
49:37
that side. And also I just started crying
49:38
out of nowhere. And I googled it because that's
49:41
what I do. And it was like, no, that's
49:42
totally normal. Because you're, I mean, your
49:44
trauma is stored in your body. There's all unprocessed
49:47
emotions. So like when you're doing the
49:49
things to help you like get out of that mode, you're gonna cry.
49:52
It's a it's released. You're letting that go.
49:54
So fucking cry. Like it's OK.
49:57
I probably regularly. Regularly, yeah.
50:01
It helps get it out of the system.
50:02
It really does like a cleanser. It's like a filter, right?
50:05
You get it out if you bottle it up, it will poison you from the
50:09
inside out, right? Absolutely.
50:12
Like nobody benefits from you holding it in, right?
50:14
Especially if you buy yourself at home.
50:15
It's like if you can't cry by when you buy yourself like own
50:19
talk to a therapist. So yeah, you talk to a therapist
50:21
about releasing that anyway, yeah.
50:23
Exactly. I think it just it comes out.
50:25
I've always said this, like it. Well, not always, but since my
50:27
30s and learning like if you don't process the shit that
50:30
you've been through in whatever ways works for you.
50:32
And if you don't talk about it, vent about it, cry about it all
50:36
that like it's just gonna keep festering in you.
50:38
And it manifests and comes out in other ways, whether it's on
50:40
your in your health, in in your body, in your mental health, or
50:44
how you treat others and your relationships.
50:47
So, you know, I think it's really, really important to
50:51
process things when you're ready and when you feel safe enough
50:54
to. It is, it absolutely is right
50:56
there because like everybody has, everybody's healing journey
51:00
is on a different timeline, right?
51:01
I talked to a woman today. She's like, how long are things
51:03
going to take to heal like? Girl's friend.
51:05
Can't give you a timeline, right?
51:06
That's like, I can't. There's no.
51:08
Timeline idle thing. Take one of these and see me in
51:11
the morning. No, like call me in the morning.
51:12
That's not how it works, right? Healing is a journey is you got
51:15
to start it. You know what I mean?
51:16
This is like an estimate. Lifelong journey.
51:19
Yeah, I I think it's forever. And it's like this.
51:22
It's not linear. Yeah, and I think when you say
51:25
you think it's forever, some people just like, what?
51:28
Damn, I'm gonna feel this way forever.
51:30
Like, no, you can be happy and still be healing, right?
51:32
There's things that might trigger you down the road that
51:36
you might have forgot about that come up now that that type of
51:40
stuff is valid too, right? When dating, for example, yeah.
51:44
Yes, absolutely. There's what I said.
51:45
Definitely take your time to get out there because it's like
51:48
there are people that have gotten married.
51:50
A lot of people I've been following, not a lot like people
51:52
I've done coaching calls with are people I've just met online
51:55
that started off coming out of a toxic relationship that are
51:58
married and in new relationships now that are still healing and
52:01
helping other people just like that be happening like they like
52:04
I got married, I found I found love, but I'm still reaching
52:07
back to help other people get to this point and I'm still get
52:10
triggered too. So it's just like different
52:12
spaces. And I always say like, if
52:14
somebody, like usually somebody's like, oh, I can
52:16
promise you you'll be fully healed.
52:17
I'm like, I don't trust that. Like if somebody, something like
52:20
they're trying to sell you some shit cuz there's no such thing
52:22
as ever being fully healed. Like same with like grief.
52:25
Like you learn how to deal, you learn your triggers, you learn
52:27
what works for you, you learn how to communicate better, you
52:30
learn how to advocate for yourself better.
52:32
But you know, things still like you don't, maybe you don't have
52:34
the flashbacks as often. Like I'm literally diagnosed
52:38
with PTSD or complex PTSD and like sometimes I will still get
52:42
flashbacks, but like way less. And if I do get them, it's
52:45
usually because something has activated me or it's like
52:48
there's some sort of memory that that had been happening on like
52:52
this particular day or whatever. And then.
52:54
But being aware of that is how you know you can then move
52:57
through it and not let it control you anymore.
53:00
Yeah, being able to acknowledge the triggers and not run away
53:03
from them help you heal too. That's that's part of the
53:05
process right there. Like don't you get triggered and
53:08
run away from it or hide from it?
53:10
That same triggers gonna pop up again later on.
53:13
Absolutely. Yeah.
53:14
Find ways to recognize it. So is there anything else that
53:16
you want to share with the with the audience and whatnot today?
53:19
No, I don't know. Should I promote myself my
53:22
comedy? Show.
53:23
Yeah, Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.
53:25
I usually keep the fundraisers up on my link tree, too, if you
53:30
can't make it because we're not in New York City.
53:31
But if you do, starting February, it's going to be the
53:34
first Saturday of every month at Where'd I Go.
53:40
Oh, it's still going. Yeah, something happened.
53:42
Yeah. But yeah, no, follow, follow the
53:46
show. And if I were to say anything to
53:48
anyone that can like relate to what I've shared, just know that
53:53
you know, you're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you
53:55
for your having valid reactions to some horrible, horrible
53:59
things. And you just, you got to find
54:01
what works for you and find your people that get it and know that
54:05
you're not alone. I think that is very, very
54:08
important. Like find your people, find out
54:10
who you are, know who you are are, and love who you are
54:14
because then no one can take that from you and no one can
54:18
tell you about yourself. And I think that's very, very
54:21
important too, because when you're on a healing journey and
54:23
you go through this, people want to tell you about yourself a
54:24
lot. And it's really important that
54:27
you don't let them because that'll get you down.
54:30
Absolutely. So thank you so much for hopping
54:33
on and sharing your journey with me.
54:34
I truly appreciate you. A lot of people will see this
54:36
and help them out and whatnot. I'll link like I'll link
54:40
everything your social medias and stuff like that as well, so
54:42
people can find you everywhere and whatnot and support you and
54:45
all that other good stuff yes I. Have much?
54:47
This is mine. Yeah.
54:49
Oh, is it OK? I didn't know that.
54:50
So, yeah, OK. I have merch.
54:52
I don't I don't like, honestly, I don't like promote myself
54:54
nearly as much as I should. That's probably something I need
54:56
to work through. But yeah.
54:58
But yes, I have merch. I have all this stuff.
55:00
Lee, thank you so much for having me.
55:02
This was really a long time coming and a great conversation
55:05
and so. Thank you.
55:07
Thank you so much for happening on like seriously, I appreciate
55:09
you and we will chat in later. Let me hit that.