Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 177 - Jess S.

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 177 - Jess S. · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Recovery Chronicles. My name is John Tragg and
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: my sober date is June seventeenth, twenty nineteen. Join me
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: as we hear from people who are on this journey
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: that we call recovery. Well, welcome to this episode of
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Recovery Chronicles. This is Joan Tragg, and today I have
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: with me my friend and fellow sober buddy, Jess. And
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: welcome today, Jess.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Thank you for inviting me, Joan, as you're welcome.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: So let's just go ahead and dive right in. Tell
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: me a little bit about your childhood growing up. You'll
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: kind of go through that a little bit.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: You know, I don't think I had an abnormal childhood
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: growing up. I mean it was the eighties, so you know,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: we did the silver seat belts and no seat belts,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: and you know, smashed everybody in the back of the
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: pickup truck, and you know, all of that was pretty normal.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: You know. I have a mom, dad, a brother, the
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: nuclear family, and we had a house and a cat
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: and a dog. But I think the big change really
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: came when we moved in seventh grade. I moved to
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: a bigger town and really had no idea about what
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: was going to happen in life. I had no idea
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: that seventh graders in the Bismarck Mandown area didn't play
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: with toys, you know, whereas in a small town we
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: were still playing Barbie's and so it was a really
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: it was a culture shock for me.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Sure, So in doing that, what did you find was
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: kind of one of your things that helped you kind
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: of transition to that in terms of getting used to
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: a big town and all of that perspective.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: I was involved with our youth group. I had a
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: really good, small, close group of friends, We had a
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: great youth leader, We went on mission trips, we we
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: just hung out a lot and really church was the center.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: And then we got a youth group leader who took
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: advantage of basically the whole church like him and his
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: wife disappeared with our our funding for our next mission
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: mission trip and the middle of the night and our
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: youth group kind of fell apart, and that's when you know,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: the partying and things really started. I mean there was
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: dabbling before that, but there was you know, there was
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: a huge void left.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Sure, so dabbling into the partying piece, what was kind
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: of what was the drug that you know, what was
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: your substance that you kind of started out with.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: I mean alcohol, that's I think that's where most people
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: in the nineties, you know, it was still pretty common
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: for to go to house parties and drink on the weekends,
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: and so that was probably where it started. And then
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: we hung out with older sisters, older friends, and so
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: then it was cigarettes and alcohol and marijuana and pills,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: and but that was a summer activity. During the school year,
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: you didn't do that because you had honor society and
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: you had cheerleading and you had expectations to follow. So
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: it was very compartmentalized.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I would say, well, and I think that's it's I mean,
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: I grew up in a small town too, and that's
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: a lot of that. That's exactly how it was. It
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: was either a weekend thing when you didn't have all
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: that other stuff going on, or was this the summer
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: thing because you know, Heaven forbid you to get in
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: trouble during well, you're in extra activities at school. Yeah,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know, right, doesn't make sense now,
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: but at that time it sure did.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: It did because it was more common, it was more acceptable.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Like fifteen sixteen, it wasn't uncommon for parents to say,
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: leave your keys, and they knew exactly what you were
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: doing in the barn. They knew. I mean, I would
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: never let my sixty if I had a sixteen year
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: old go out camping for an whole entire weekend with
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: a bunch of boys and girls not chaperoned, Like, I
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: would not do that nowadays, But in the nineties, like
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: that was very common camping. I know what lake you're at,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: you know, it's just a different time.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: No cell phone, no nothing, like see you on Sunday. Yeah.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Crazy how that has changed, and right, I don't know.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: That whole perspective is entirely different.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: I have a friend who has a seventeen year old
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: and she's like, I get worried about her because of
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: my behaviors. But she's like, oh, she's really doing is
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: playing Legos with her boyfriend, Like they're building Lego sets.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: And she's like, I'm worried about her because of me.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, and that's fair though. I mean, you know,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: how we grew up is entire just so different than
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: how it is now. And we're also, I think obviously
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: more aware of all the things going on too, so
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: you just have all this of course, worst case scenario
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: in your head as a parent, just like, oh my gosh,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: what is happening at all times? It's great?
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Anyway, so you talked a little bit about okay, kind
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: of dabbled in a few of those things. Tell me
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: a little bit about like when when did some of
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: that start transitioning for you in terms of maybe drinking more,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: using more, or you know, know, where were you at
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: with that, So maybe like after high school or you know,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: talk a little bit about that from that age.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: Kind of Well, my senior year in high school, I
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: think I really hit depression pretty deeply. I quit cheerleading
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: my last year's school right before state wrestling, and I
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: had been a wrestling cheerleader for sixty years, same squad,
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: same girls, and I was just you know, I didn't
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: have a good relationship with my dad. I didn't have
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: a good relationship with my mom. I don't a lot
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: of that. I don't necessarily even remember, which I think
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: is pretty common with addicts and trauma and PTSDs. You
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: just don't remember those events leading up. But I do
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: remember graduating high school and the next day after I graduated,
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: I moved out and I was carrying boxes up my
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: mom's stairs and she said, are you moving out? I said, yep,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: I am. And I moved out the day after I
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: graduated high school. And like I even get a little
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: shaky talking about it, because it's like you don't talk
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: to anybody about why are you pack in your boxes?
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: You know, like before that. But and then I tried math.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Like never I've had access to it, you know, at
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: parties and things before that, but I was always so
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: against it. And I moved out and I tried it,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: and for the next few years just kind of went
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: back and forth between finding that balance of partying and
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: going to college, and then partying and going to college,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: like because you didn't have that expectation of high school
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: anymore where you had to go. So I didn't have
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: any rules. I didn't have anything stable in my life.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I worked because I grew up with functioning addicts my
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: whole entire life. Sure, I didn't know there was such
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: a thing of an unfunctioning addict until I was married
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: in my late you know, middle thirties. Okay, So it
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: was really just as long as you could keep up
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: with the joneses, so to speak, then you could do
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: whatever you wanted.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Sure, So what do you think at that point? Was
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: it was it becoming more of a serious addiction at
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: that point or was it kind of you were still like,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: I don't like to say social recreational use of that,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: because I don't know if that's really the case. But
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: do you think that it was still like manageable or
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: had it started to spiral to where it was more
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: of a problem.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: From eighteen to twenty one, it was very much the
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: When I used, I used. When I didn't, I didn't,
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: and it felt like a repetition. I would start college.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: My first semester, it would ace it, you know, just
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: no problem, and then the pressure would get there, so
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: then I would go to a party and then I
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: would use, and then the second semester I would bomb
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: out of So then I would take a semester off
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: and party and use, and then I'd be like, Okay,
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: you got to get your life together. And I did
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: that from eighteen to twenty one, and then at twenty
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: one I quit using because of the job that I had,
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: and didn't use for many over a decade.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: So when you would decide like, okay, but I guys,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: stop doing this, did you do that on your own. Yep,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: I decided and so I mean that right there is
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: remarkable because that's not easy for people to do, you know,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: especially if you don't have a lot of support system
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: to help you with that.
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  Speaker 2: But I didn't deal with any of the issues. I
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: just okay, you got to get your crap together, you know.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: I stopped, but I didn't deal with why I was using.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: I didn't deal with the stress of it. I didn't
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: you know, I didn't go to a or any or
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: a therapist or anything like that, because I just I
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: knew functioning addicts you're not functioning in life right now.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, So you just mentioned that decade time time span,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: So tell me what was happening at that time then
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: where you had that tenure of what were you what
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: were you up to or what were you doing during
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: that time?
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: Well, I was working at a treatment facility for sexually
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: and physically based kids, so I wasn't using illegal drugs.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: But during that time I also found out that I
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: had degenerative disorder in my back. So and again this
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: is when opiid's hit the market big time. So I
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: was on pain pills, I was on muscle relaxers, and
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: I was drinking, but all of it was legal, so
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: I wasn't doing anything wrong because yeah, the direction said
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: you're not supposed to drink when you take your pills,
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: but you know, I mean, in reality, it was all legal,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: so I wasn't an addict, you know, in my brain
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: with that functioning addict. This is all legal. And I
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: had back surgery at twenty six, which did not work.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: And then I went through a few more years of
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: pain pills and all of this and just and I
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: gained about one hundred pounds and I'm not a very
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: big person, so that's a lot of weight. I couldn't
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: lose it because I was on all these pain pills
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: and drinking, and my job was very stressful now that
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: I look back at it. We just and then I
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: went to a neurologist because I just we couldn't figure
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: out where this pain was coming from. Well, my discs
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: do not bulge out, they bulge back, so you couldn't
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: see them in anything. And my neurologists, Blass's heart, looked
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: at me and he said, there's nothing we can do
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: about it. You're fat and you're overweight, and you're not
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: going to lose the weight, So I ended up having
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: gastric bypass. Yes, so I think that was like thirty
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: or thirty two. So now I'm on a decade of
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: pain pills, alcohol, muscle relaxers pretty much will because.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: It wasn't able to get the.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: NO and I was under pain management, so I was
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: also having injections in my spine and things like that.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: So I ended up having gastric bypass and then I
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: lost the way and you know, learn that I have
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: to have muscle and things like that, and I haven't
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: been taking pain pills or anything like that since then.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: What was that like when you went in for that
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: surgery though, knowing that you obviously you know, were depending
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: on the pain pills at that point because of everything
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: that was going on, were there any warnings or anything
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: from the doctors or did they say anything? You know,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: sometimes we hear that, you know, the physicians will say,
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: you know, what's going on here, you know kind of thing,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: and sometimes they noticed it, sometimes they don't, you know.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: I know, because the neurology appointment was was recommended from
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: the pain clinic, so it was very I guess a
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: team oriented decision on that, but it was just I
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: don't even know how. I just remember that afterwards, I
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: walked a whole lot. I came off the pills, and
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: I was just done. A yeah, I was just done
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: because that's what I'm supposed to do. It's not like
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I was done because I wasn't addicted to it, and
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: it wasn't because I didn't want to use it. But
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: the expectation as a functioning addict is that when the
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: doctor tells you you're done with that, you're done with that.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: But that doesn't mean other things didn't pop up, because
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: then I got anxiety from it. So then guess what.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: Then I got out of that and things, let you know,
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: then things like that popped up. So it was like
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: there was just this constant flow of controlled substances legally
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: through I guess my thirties.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: When you started kind of going into that more. The
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: anxiety piece of it was that something that you are like,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: h maybe you know I should seek some other kind
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: of help, or you know, was that recommended to you
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: or it was like, oh, this is an anxiety thing. Here,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: go ahead, let's try this type thing. And then and
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: went from there, you know, because something it takes a
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: long long time before you go to therapy or get help,
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: and so what.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Was that like for you? Then, Well, I had to
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: see a psychiatrist to have my gastric bypass, so like
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: I'd already been kind of seeing somebody, but not for
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: any type of issue like that's causing me to use
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: because at this point, I don't think I have a problem.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: The alcohol is not a problem, the drugs are not
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: a problem. And as I'm going to these appointments because
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: you have to have psychiatry appointments when you have gastric
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: bypass to make sure that you're you know, healing with
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: the rapid weight loss or whatever. But I had never
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: been big for a really long time. So then we
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: started talking about my focus and things like that and
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: not being able to complete tasks at all, and I
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: got diagnosed with ADHD and add like he's like, I
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: don't know how you made it through school.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Wow, okay, because.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: And then that brought my anxiety on. So we started
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: with anxiety pills things like that. So I'm kind of
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: losing focus right now. But it's just it's just such
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: a when you go back through the steps of how
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: you ended up in treatment and dealing with your problems,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: it's very overwhelming because you don't see it as you're
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: going through it as a problem, you know, And the
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: more you talk about it, the more I kind of
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: see like, oh my gosh, all.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Like the hindsight's always yeah, and.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Sitting here even talking about it, it's like I've put
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: these things together, but it's still just so shock talking
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: to the system to be like, I've really kind of
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: played the system without playing the system. Like I sound
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: like a person who was like out pill seeking and
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: doing these things, but it's like there were years in between.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: And so they were prescribing it too. Hey, so why
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: would you think differently?
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Right? I mean, and even telling the doctors like my problems,
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: you know, they're not going to think I have an
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: issue with being an addict when I haven't used a
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: pain pill in.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Two or three years, right, exactly.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: I haven't been in looking for a pain pillar, a
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: muscle act or an atavan. You know, these aren't things
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: I was seeking out right. It was just oh, you
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: have anxiety. And it's not their fault either, No, because
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, who would connect that dots when there's years
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: before There aren't many many people who can do that.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: Right, No, you're exactly right, all right, so now here
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: we are, we're doing that. You're on the Ada van
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: and kind of move as that point. So what kind
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: of has taken you into that next part of your life? Ben?
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: I left my job, started a new job, was doing
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: a lot of drinking, and just the people that I
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: hung out with. It was like we went to a
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: party one night and I did a line and it
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: was kind of it was only equipped. It was a
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: few months like and then I was like, what are
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: you doing? You were like thirty five, what are you doing?
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: And so that just stopped. Then I met my future
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: husband and how codependent I was, and how much I
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: just wanted to be loved and how much he wanted
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: to be loved, like he wasn't sober living and we
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: used together eventually, but that was very short lived. Also,
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: it was only like a few months. And then it
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: was just every once in a while I would drink
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: with him or whatever, but it wasn't an everyday thing.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: And we ended up getting married and having a baby,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: and there was a lotch I didn't know what was happening,
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: and he became a very heavy user. We ended up
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: having a roommate that was selling opiates. I can't remember
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: now what kinds, but I would use them every once
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: in a while, and he started using them every day.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: In hindsight, looking back, I should have probably known, but
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: I had to bound a baby. I had went back
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: to my old my old job, and ended up taking
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: a bottle of pills from a coworker at the bar
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: one night and losing my job. And then I straightened up,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: and I've got a job at working at a daycare
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: so I could be with my kid. And I worked
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: at that daycare for four years, and in those four years,
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: my ex husband had numerous jobs, began selling different things.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say what, because I don't really know,
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: and I didn't find out for almost four years when
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: I went in to get the debit card to go
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: buy milk and to his job and they're like, he's
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: not working today, and he had told me he was
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: going to work a double shift, so you know, we
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: had walked there. So I walked home, me and my kid,
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: who was just like one or two, and I knew
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: exactly like it all came like a book hit me
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: in the head. I'm like, I know exactly where he is,
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: and you know, I called him and said we need milk,
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: You need to bring me the debit card. And then
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: I found out what he was doing and I had
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: him out of the house. And there was a lot
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: of domestic violence, a lot of it in the beginning,
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: like throughout the whole entire marriage, there were things. It
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: wasn't consistent, but by this time it was pretty consistent.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: And I had kicked him out and he would break
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: in and I would call the police, and the police
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: wouldn't do anything, and he would break in, and finally
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: I just called him one night and I said, do
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: you have a clean needle? Come home? And we hid
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: him living with me from my parents for a long
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: time couple about a month and COVID hit. So not
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: working wasn't a thing. I had gotten fired from my
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: daycare job because I was constantly late because I didn't
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: have a car and we had one vehicle, and we
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: just it was easier to, so to speak, give up
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: then to continue to have every like me and my
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: son traumatized, so to speak. And I don't want to
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: say like, oh, I relapsed and went back into addiction
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: and it's all my ex husbands.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: No.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: I made that choice. I made that choice because it
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: was the easy choice because I knew that choice. I
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: knew that I knew that I not then. But when
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: in the end, when I got help, I knew that
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: I would always be able to stop and pull myself
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: out of it. I didn't think I would pull myself
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: out of it like I did, you know, going to
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: therapy and dealing with those emotions, but I knew that
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: when it was time to stop, I would be able
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: to stop. If that makes any sense. With listening to
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: the yeah it before several times.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: You know which again, I'm going to say it again
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: is remarkable because that's not normally how it goes.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: Even when I smoked cigarettes and I found out I
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: was pregnant, I had two cigarettes left, and I drove
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: around town and smoked those two cigarettes and then quit
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: because I was pregnant. You don't smoke when you're pregnant.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: And that, I mean most people don't have the ability though,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: to just like okay, that's it, I'm done now. And
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: so that I mean, even that, so I can see
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: why you were, you know, in that thinking like oh okay,
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: well I know I can do it, and I will.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: But you know, when COVID, I think it affected all
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: of us tremendously anyway. But when you're in those situations
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: like that, you know, how did that look for you
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: in terms of, you know, having an outlook on the future.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I know that you were talking about, well,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I know I can quit, but what about the rest
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: of the pieces of things that Obviously this is tough.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: There's a lot going on here and it's scary stuff.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: So what just kind of go through a little bit
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: of that.
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: The six months that from October until April fourteenth, I
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: so much life happened. It's hard to even put into
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: words because, like I said, come home to hiding that
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: my husband was back living, to just no contact with
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: the world because of COVID, to eventually not being able
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: to have a cell phone, not being able to have
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: a car, not being able to have friends because nobody did.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, car and car and cell phone. People did,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: But it wasn't weird not to hear from people. I
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: had gotten fired from my job right before then. Like
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: I didn't even know COVID was really a bad thing
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: until I lost my house. I lost my house. I
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: had it for twenty years and I lost it within
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: six months. We had to move out on March twenty first.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: So from March twenty first until I think I lived
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: at the shelter for six months. So until then following July,
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: I was homeless. I've lived at a shelter for most
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: of it. But from March twenty first until April sixth
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: I was on the street with my kid and my husband.
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: And April eighth I lost or April sixth I lost
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: my kid for thank goodness, two weeks.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: And where did he go?
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: There? He went to my parents' house, thank goodness. And
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: then April thirteenth was the last day I used. But
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: April fourteenth I called me sober date because the April fourteenth.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: Is the day that I left. And when you say
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: you left, what does that mean?
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: Well, we were staying in a hotel, we were homeless,
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: and we got in a fight and it was a
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: bad one, really bad. I'm lucky to have gotten out
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: of that. And the front desk called and said, are
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: you okay? Of course I said yes. Asked if I
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: wanted to go into the bathroom and get high, and
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: for whatever reason, I said no. And when he went
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: in the bathroom and I grabbed whatever I could and
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: put it in my suitcase, and I went to the lobby,
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: sat down on the couch crying, and the lady behind
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: the desk was actually a good friend of mine to
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: this day, said, my manager wants to see you when
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: her office. Like great, going to jail. I'm never getting
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: my kid back. I'm done, Like I'm done.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: And I went into the manager's office and she said
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: such and SPT hotels were safe haven hotels. Who do
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: I need to call? The police are already on the way. Wow,
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: And she called my mom. They put me under a
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: pseudonyme for four days. The Abuse Adult resoarch Center paid
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: for one day. The hotel camp today and my parents
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: paid for the next two days. And they put me
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: in a different room in the room, I'm I can't
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: believe I didn't go to jail, because of course everything
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: was always under my name. There was drugs and stolen
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: items and things like that. And this manager wouldn't even
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: let me go in the room and clean it out.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: She said, we will glove up, and we got it,
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: and they actually arrested my husband. I don't even think
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: the police officer is a real person. I think he
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: was an angel, because I've tried to find him. And
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: I've been able to thank every single person who has
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: been on this journey except for that police officer, because
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: they hadn't ever arrested my husband one any domestic violence,
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: and they arrested him on a misdemeanor with a ten
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: thousand dollars cash bond, And that's I mean, only God
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: could have done that. Sure, And the taxi driver came
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: and on the fourth day and picked me up and
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: brought me to AARC and I think it was it
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: was the eighteenth or twentieth of April. I got Lincoln
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: back and by the end of May, my CPS case
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: was closed and I went to a step down already,
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: which is not this is all God, yeah, because it doesn't, no.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: But I went to a step down caseworker and I
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: went to treatment. And in that treatment I had a choice.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: I could either go with men and women or I
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: could go with just women because of the domestic violence piece.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: And I just was like, there has to be good
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: men out there like this. Can't just be addicts and
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: addicts and addicts and addicts in my life. There has
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: to be more like there, you know. And I ended
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: up being in a treatment class with myself and two
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: gentlemen and one gentleman in my class told me about
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: celebrate recovery. And I went to celebrate recovery at New
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: Song and the Abuse Adult Resource Center where I was
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: staying at the shelter. They got me a taxi and
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: an uber there on Friday every single Friday, and I
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: went because they had security in a lockdown area for
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: Lincoln to be in. And that program saved my life
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: going through that saved my life.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: So you were how long do you think you were
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: going through the program with them? Or how long is
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: their program?
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to celebrate recovery. It's basically like a
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: souped up Jesus Na like it's it's based on all
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: the principles of God. And after my first Friday, they
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: have what it's called Connect cards so you can put
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: your prayers or whatever on there. And after the first Friday,
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: a lady from there called me and left me a
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: message and said, I hoped to see you this Friday
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: because Jesus loves you and I love you to end
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: your little boy and Jess his name and said and
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: your little boy yea, and invited me back. And I
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: went every single Friday until they made me join leadership.
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: So and I did more ugly crying and ugly sobbing
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: with those women than I have ever in my life.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: And yes, going to treatment and going to therapy and
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: all of that helped, but being able to be that
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: vulnerable with other people without judgment was something I'd never
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: had before.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: Well, and to have that, I guess for I mean,
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: really it's a cleansing, right, I mean, of your of everything.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: But and I think that's awesome that they had that
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: support to for your son to be able to because
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: that's that's tough sometimes, you know, and when you have
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: children or you know, all the other life things that
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: are going on and you need to still go through treatment.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: I think that's why, like I hurt you, we have
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: a huge population people that go to day treatment because
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: you know, residential is very necessary for a lot of people,
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: but it's very disruptive, right, so you know, we try
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: the same thing, is try to meet people where they're
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: at and help them as best they can. But I'm
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: so glad that they had that service for you to
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: be able to for your son to be there, because
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: that's a huge thing for a parent to know like, Okay,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: he's fine. He's you know, he's doing his thing. He's
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: under supervision and he's safe. So I can focus on
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: myself now and do what I.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: Need to do. Yep.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: So how long I kind of walk me through a
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: little bit. So you're staying at a shelter. I've used
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Adult Resource center shelter. What what is kind of your
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: transition period? Then as you're ready to start moving out
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: of there? What does that look like for you?
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: Well? I was. I had so much support and I
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: utilized every program, every single program that was like hey
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: we have this program, Okay, sign me up, I'm going
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: to do it. Hey we have this Okay, sign me up.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do it. And because there's always been
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: kind of like, oh, you're going to get help like
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: that shame And I think anybody who's like an eighties
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: or ninety baby, like, oh this is don't accept don't
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: accept that. Don't you know you can do it? You
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: know that midwestern kind of North Dakota and pull yourself
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: up by the bootstraps, and you know, And I didn't
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: this time. I worried about me and being the best
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: mom I could. I didn't work right away. I stayed
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: at the shelter almost six months, which most people I
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: don't think do. I don't think they stay long enough.
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: Because when I first got there, I had to practice
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: walking up and down the alley by myself. I didn't
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: I couldn't even go out in public because I was
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: so scared of first of all public and I didn't
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: want it. And this is probably very unrealistic, but at
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: my in that moment, I didn't want to be taken.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: I didn't I didn't know, you know, I had no idea,
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: and I utilized what I had, So I went to
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: I learned how, and I knew all these things. But
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: you forget these skills, like I learned how to write
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: a resume, I learned how to get a job. I
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: learned I just I relearned life.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: And by relearning that, though men, you're at that point
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: super proud of yourself though right, and I think as
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: an addict for me, learning how to be proud of
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: yourself for something is not an easy thing to do, no,
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: because you're so ashamed of yourself for so long that
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: when you actually accomplish something, it's like, you know, what
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: is this all about? Kind of thing? It's really hard.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: It was hard for me to figure that feeling out
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: or to understand like it's okay to be proud of
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: yourself or something. And so how did that, I mean,
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: how did you think that that felt for you to
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: be able to be like I'm getting this, like I
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: am on track.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: Well, I think at first I didn't do it like that.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: I did it as I have a son, I'm a mom.
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: What am I doing? So I didn't. I don't even
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: think I looked at it like that for a very
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: long time, okay, but then God just started showing up,
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: Like I got my first job cleaning houses to celebrate
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: recovery because another galon there had a business. So one
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: day she's like, I've heard you talk about needing to
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: get a job and not knowing what you're gonna do,
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: and da da da da da, which led me working
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: at the church. So I cleaned the church, I cleaned
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: the daycare, I cleaned houses, which you know. Then I
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: started to figure out like, okay, I'm doing this. I
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: got a car donated to me, nice that car was
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: started to have some trouble, so God provided another car
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: to get donated to me, and I was able to
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: donate the first car to a single dad whose car
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: didn't work. And then so now I can go to
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: all these places and through the church. My current boss
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: learned that I was cleaning. So then my current job
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: now I got. I hired their cleaning nine hours a week. Okay,
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: so I worked for the banquet cleaning. And then one
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: day one of my coworkers and my boss were discussing
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: how overwhelmed she was. And by this time I was
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: super proud of myself and just like I'm doing this.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: I had moved into my first apartment after the shelter,
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: and I just popped in there and in tru me fashion,
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: and I'm like interrupt the whole conversation. I had this
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: great idea that I had this dream from God. I
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: believe that you're supposed to hire me full time. And
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: they looked at me like I was probably a crazy
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: person and went to lunch and called me the next
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: day and said, we'll try it part time for a month.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Wonderful.
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: Yes. So that's when I started my journey with the
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: Dream Center. And now I've been there for three years.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: And that all started with a box of Bibles because
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: I couldn't read my Bible and I want a box,
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: So what a.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: I mean that just that whole transformation is just it's
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: it's amazing. And I see you at the Dream Center
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: and I'm I mean the work that you guys do
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: there is is just I mean, it's just amazing. How
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: do you feel about, you know, being there, because now
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: you're you're on the side of like, hey, I've lived
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: this and now I have the opportunity to help other people.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: Tell me a little bit about that, because I mean,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: you have a huge population that you serve there, So
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: tell me a little bit about that piece of it
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: in terms of how that how you're involved in that.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: Well, my job has definitely evolved. I was hired as
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: an administrative assistant. While I was hired as a person
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: to clean, and then when I went onto the Dream
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: Center staff, I was hired as an administrative assistant, which
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: really didn't work out because I was in the warehouse
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: all the time. So I was downstairs and people would
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: come in and just need resources, and my boss would
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: see that I could sit down and tell them, Hey,
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: you got this or this or this or this. And
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: then I went to him one evening and I said,
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: you know, God's really put it on my heart that
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: I need to work Friday nights, and for the next
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: two months, every single Friday, I had a woman in
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: a domestic violent situation come in who needed resources like shampoo. Hey,
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: I'm starting over, I don't have any diapers or I
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: don't And it was a good two months that this
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: happened every Friday that I was in the back. And
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: the best thing of all is that I work at
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: a place where I can stop doing what I'm doing
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: and I can pray for those people and I can
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: get them what they need. So then it led into
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: me becoming the facility and resource manager and I don't
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: care if I have to cut someone's crusty socks off
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: their feet. I will do that to get them clean,
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: soft and get them boots. And we've just transformed into
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: this place that it's you come for a meal, but
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: you can leave with so much more. And it's more
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: than a job because going through all of the things
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: that I've went through, the Adopted Lot truck fed me
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: before I even knew what any of it was. In
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: the New Song parking lot at the River Polp parking lot,
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Lincoln and I would take our wagon and we would
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: go there and get food. Like so these people were
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: part of my life when I was at my worst,
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: and now I've got to share my story, not only here,
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: but I've got to share with in front of the governor.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, I can't even believe it. And at the
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: Dream Center, you know, my boss is like, we want
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: to help people in that area. So we have celebrate Recovery.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: We have AA, we have NA And I just got
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: to hire someone I believe last week who just graduated
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: treatment at hurt you Yay, as my full time assistant,
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: which I've been begging for for several years. And you know,
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: she's been volunteering for me. We've had her ups and downs.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: I've had to have her stop volunteering for me, and
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: now I just got to hire her full time and
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: get to mentor her.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: That's amazing, and what a mentor you are.
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: I'm a little tough sometimes, but.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: Well yes, but that doesn't come with a lot of
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: life experience that I mean that I always say, the
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: bumpy road along the way seems absolutely unbearable, but where
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: it takes you and how you're able to turn that
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: around and help other people, there's I mean, you just
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: can't you can't explain that and any other way other
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: than to just go do it right. Tell me a
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: little bit more too, about what else you have going on.
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: So your son, I know, keeps you super busy. Yep,
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: he's a busy guy.
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: Facebook, he iss. We moved to a small town and
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: helped plant a church in the last year and a half,
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: which I mean, who would have flunked that? You know,
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: that's just crazy. He loves it. He can jump on
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: his bike and ride around town, which is such a
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: good feeling from being at a shelter. And I can't
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: walk down an alley by myself. Right now, I let
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: my kid ride his bike to the park by himself.
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: Well he's not by himself, he's with his friends. But
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: you know, it helps that, you know, the police station
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: is right across the street from the park, but yes,
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: you know. And we have hunger relief in our town. Now.
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: We have a garden that the kids do from school,
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: eaven after school program. I'm on the board for the
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: Abuse Resource Center.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: I just.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: I I feel just humbled that my story is this huge,
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: Like every step of this story is this huge that
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: it's now kind of coming to the tip of a triangle.
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: You know, It's like I know exactly where I'm supposed
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: to go. I know I'm supposed to come out and
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: do podcasts like this because this could help someone. Absolutely,
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: This could make someone so vulnerable that they decide to
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: call hurt you or call AARC, or come to the
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: Dream Center or go to celebrate recovery. You know, it could.
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: It could point someone in that direction. It could one
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: hundred people could go in that direction. I don't know,
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: and you don't know.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: But that's the best part about it is that you
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: as long as you keep sharing your story and and
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: and I think making it more known that it's okay,
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: you know, and it's yeah, it stinks that that's the
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: kind of the path that life took you on, but
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: you can always jump off that path. It's not easy.
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: It's work.
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: And I say that a lot when I talk about
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: treatment and all of the things revolving around getting sober
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: or you know, whatever your situation you're in. Work is
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: a good word to say, because it is. It is,
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: and it tests you day in and day out. But
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: it's gonna it's going to get better. It will. But
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: having that, you know, having that faith and taking you know,
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: and when resources are offered to you and people are
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: you know, there for you. You know, it's okay to
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: to work with people and to you know, and I
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: think that's hard too as addicts or and it's hard
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: for anybody to be like, oh, I need help, and
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: you're right, that's I don't know if that's just I
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: don't know if that's the sort of thing here, but
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: I think it's just people that are like, I don't
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: want to accept help. I don't want to say I
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: need help and no, thank you.
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: But you're also in survival mode. Well true, you know,
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: getting out of survival mode. I think I'm just starting
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: to learn how to do that. Yeah, yeah, because I'm
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: so used to. Before we were talking about how we're
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: not good at not being busy. But I think that's
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: that he like, you just you have to feel like
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: you're doing something otherwise you're not doing nothing. And doing
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: nothing is okay, you know, it's it is, But when
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: do you do nothing?
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: Like it makes your brain work right in Keeping busy
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: sometimes seems easier to do it, But I think after
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: getting on the right track and being in a comfortable
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: position and understanding life and more about what your what
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: your purpose is, then it's like Okay, I can just
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: chill for a little bit, and it's okay, yes, I
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: need to otherwise I'm not going to be able to
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: help more people.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: And I think one thing that if I have to say,
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: one thing that I wish people knew more about in
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: recovery was that you have to be lonely. You have
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: to learn how to be lonely so you can make
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: those new friends and those acquaintances so when you're ready
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: to have relationships again, you're not picking the wrong people,
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: because that's a hard thing, especially in a smaller community
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: where everybody knows everybody. I run into people that I
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: used to use with and it's like, hey, you can
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: do this too, but I can't be your friend. And
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: being lonely was hard. And I think that's one of
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: the biggest downfalls of living in a smaller community is
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: you don't know who to be friends.
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: With well, and unfortunately the people that you thought were
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: your friends. And then once you get sober stop using,
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: that's not really the case anymore, right, And I'm not
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: I mean, I know I'm speaking to a lot of
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: people will say the same thing when they got sober.
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: It's just not the same. You're not in the same
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: circles anymore, both by choice, but both because you thought
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: that those people would be there for you and they're
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: not anymore.
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: Right so, because they're in their own addiction, right And
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: maybe being lonely isn't the right statement, but that is what,
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: you know. I had to learn to be a single mom.
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: I had to learn to just be a human being
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: on my own. And it's a lot of decision making,
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: and it's a lot of I can do this or
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: I can do this, and what is going to be
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: a better outcome for me? What is going to be
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: a better outcome for my son? Because I can do
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: this and get away with it and no one needs
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: to know because I've had forty years of practice of
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: getting away with it. Yeah, you know, but making that
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: conscious decision to do better and be better, it's a
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: decision you make every day and it's humbling.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm in Well, first of all, I'm super proud
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: of you. I've known you for a few years now
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: and I am just you just continue to blossom and
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: the things that you're doing and the people that you're
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: helping is unbelievable to me. And so I'm just super
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: proud of you. And I'm so glad that I mean,
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: I can call you my friend and that that we
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: are our past cross and not greatest circumstances back in
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: those days, but now things are wonderful and congratulations. Thank
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: you for sharing your story.
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: Thank you for being a support and a friend. And
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: you know, sometimes it's hard to say I have friends
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: even still, but I do and you're one of them,
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: and I love it.
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: Well, here we are, Yes, let's keep going high five.
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us on this episode of Recovery Chronicles.
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: Find out more about heartviewatkurview dot org, and keep moving forward,
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: remembering the story is yours and you are the author.