Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / This is your sign to let go of that thing (and HOW to do it)

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This is your sign to let go of that thing (and HOW to do it) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:09
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:13
Speaker 1: So bear with me. My voice is extremely husky. I
0:17
Speaker 1: don't know what's happened. I've completely lost my voice, and
0:20
Speaker 1: apart from the vocal cord failure that I'm going through
0:24
Speaker 1: right now, I feel relatively fine, a bit sleep deprived,
0:28
Speaker 1: but overall relatively fine. Anyway, try not to strain my voice.
0:31
Speaker 1: So I decided I was not going to record an episode,
0:33
Speaker 1: but instead I'm going to bring you one of my
0:37
Speaker 1: most loved episodes that I released roughly year and a
0:40
Speaker 1: half ago, I think it was anyway, you guys loved
0:43
Speaker 1: this one. I had a lot of positive feedback. You
0:45
Speaker 1: found it quite entertaining. You also found it I had
0:48
Speaker 1: a lot of feedback saying, oh my god, this is
0:50
Speaker 1: like the og style of the podcast, like how it
0:53
Speaker 1: was in the first couple of years. So given that
0:55
Speaker 1: that's kind of the direction that I want to be
0:56
Speaker 1: heading again with do your fucking Mind, I thought what
0:59
Speaker 1: better than to bring this podcast to light. I talk
1:02
Speaker 1: about a pet hate, I talk about We've got a
1:04
Speaker 1: psychology fact, and then of course the body of the episode,
1:07
Speaker 1: which is about how to actually let go of something
1:10
Speaker 1: in your life. So good did me trying to sing
1:13
Speaker 1: good times? Okay, I can't do it anyway, enjoy the
1:17
Speaker 1: non husky version of my voice for the rest of
1:19
Speaker 1: the episode. Love you guys so much. Hello, beautiful people,
1:22
Speaker 1: and welcome to the episode of Today. So in this episode,
1:27
Speaker 1: we are going to be I'm going to be doing
1:28
Speaker 1: a little bit of that, like a psychology fact, especially
1:31
Speaker 1: going off that whole Bias episode that I did, which
1:34
Speaker 1: was super successful, you guys loved it. Like a few
1:35
Speaker 1: episodes ago, I'm going to be giving you a little
1:38
Speaker 1: pet hate. I used to do that all the time,
1:41
Speaker 1: but I thought i'd resurrected finally, how we're talking about
1:44
Speaker 1: resurrection and you'll see that the link in the language soon.
1:47
Speaker 1: But thought i'd resurrect my pet hates due to a
1:50
Speaker 1: DM that I received and it was quite comical. And
1:52
Speaker 1: then we're going to be talking about how to let
1:56
Speaker 1: go of something, okay, in particular something that deep down
2:00
Speaker 1: you know you should be letting go of something that
2:02
Speaker 1: doesn't serve you anymore, that is hurting you, that you
2:05
Speaker 1: might still care about or love, but you know it's
2:08
Speaker 1: not right. And by the end of this episode, I'm
2:12
Speaker 1: going so I'm going to explain to you why it's
2:13
Speaker 1: so hard to let go of things that we don't
2:17
Speaker 1: like that doesn't serve us anymore, even when logically you
2:19
Speaker 1: can look at it and be like, this is not
2:21
Speaker 1: the right thing for me, But why is it so
2:23
Speaker 1: hard to do that. I'm not going to come from
2:25
Speaker 1: a judgmental perspective, but I'm going to give you insight
2:27
Speaker 1: into why it is so hard, and by the end
2:29
Speaker 1: of this episode, at the very least, I hope that
2:32
Speaker 1: I've framed the situation in a way that you're able
2:35
Speaker 1: to look at it with a bit more insight and
2:37
Speaker 1: a bit more understanding, and at the very best, that
2:40
Speaker 1: you're able to actually let go of that thing. Okay,
2:43
Speaker 1: we're talking about religion here, so I just want to
2:44
Speaker 1: preface this by saying that I have and I even
2:48
Speaker 1: celebrate people who follow the religion that they want to follow.
2:53
Speaker 1: You do you if you fucking have your own religion,
2:55
Speaker 1: I don't care what religion it is, right, you can
2:57
Speaker 1: have your own podcast about your own religion, you can
3:00
Speaker 1: have your own channel about it. You go hard. What
3:05
Speaker 1: I don't like is when people will go out of
3:07
Speaker 1: their way to try and change someone else's mind, to
3:11
Speaker 1: indoctrinate them or whatever. So, for example, everything that I
3:14
Speaker 1: talk about is on my platform. People come to me
3:17
Speaker 1: to listen to what I have to say. If you
3:19
Speaker 1: don't want to listen to what I have to say,
3:20
Speaker 1: I'm not in your face. I'm not in your grill.
3:23
Speaker 1: If you stumble across me on social media, you can
3:25
Speaker 1: just block or unfollow or whatever, Okay. And I'm certainly
3:30
Speaker 1: not sliding into people's dms telling them what they should
3:34
Speaker 1: or shouldn't believe, or trying to instill fear in them
3:36
Speaker 1: or whatever. Okay. So that's what I'm prefacing it with.
3:39
Speaker 1: If you're doing your own thing on your own channel
3:41
Speaker 1: and your own community and your own whatever, go hard.
3:45
Speaker 1: Love that so much, and not only love it, but
3:48
Speaker 1: I respect it. Okay. But the other day I received
3:53
Speaker 1: a DM and it's funny because this is, weirdly not
3:56
Speaker 1: the first time I have received a DM like this,
3:58
Speaker 1: Like this is and almost I wouldn't say word for word,
4:01
Speaker 1: but very similar wording. Okay, So I don't know what
4:04
Speaker 1: that's all about. But someone sent me a DM and
4:07
Speaker 1: I wrote it down, and it said, how are you
4:11
Speaker 1: so sure that you are not going to hell? I
4:16
Speaker 1: can help you make sure that you get into heaven
4:18
Speaker 1: if you are willing. Firstly, I never stated that I
4:24
Speaker 1: wasn't so sure that I wasn't going to Hell. Never
4:27
Speaker 1: said that that's let's presume that we that I believe
4:30
Speaker 1: in heaven and Hell. Let's just presume because that's the
4:32
Speaker 1: first presumption. But never said that, never said I wasn't
4:35
Speaker 1: so sure. And secondly, based on all these people that
4:41
Speaker 1: are going to heaven, like this enlightened individual that sent
4:44
Speaker 1: me the DM, I'm not quite sure if Heaven is
4:46
Speaker 1: a place that I want to be at right, Like,
4:48
Speaker 1: I don't really know if that would be my vibe
4:51
Speaker 1: if I was religious, and if I did believe in
4:53
Speaker 1: heaven and hell, not quite sure that Heaven would be
4:56
Speaker 1: my kind of energy. I just feel like, if Heaven
4:59
Speaker 1: was so such a good place to be, why are
5:01
Speaker 1: there's so many people desperately trying to get other people
5:04
Speaker 1: to get into Heaven? Like it's giving desperate, you know
5:07
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like, just if it's that good, shouldn't
5:09
Speaker 1: we want It's like an exclusive club? Shouldn't you want
5:13
Speaker 1: to go there? Like? Do I need to be convinced
5:17
Speaker 1: that I should go there? And lastly, if you really
5:20
Speaker 1: come down to it. When we're talking about heaven and Hell,
5:21
Speaker 1: isn't being gay a sin, which therefore would mean that
5:25
Speaker 1: Mardi Gras would be hosted in Hell, which therefore would
5:28
Speaker 1: mean that I think I'd rather be there. So even
5:31
Speaker 1: though I'm not quite sure that I'm not going to Hell,
5:33
Speaker 1: I can safely say that probably wouldn't be the worst
5:36
Speaker 1: outcome for someone like me if I did believe it
5:38
Speaker 1: in the first place. Anyway, that's my pet hate people
5:40
Speaker 1: sliding into my DMS and threatening me with the with Hell, Like,
5:44
Speaker 1: don't fucking tempt me with a good time, all right,
5:46
Speaker 1: do not tempt me with a good time anyway. The
5:49
Speaker 1: psychology thing that I was going to talk about is
5:52
Speaker 1: the swimmer's body illusion. And I thought that I would
5:55
Speaker 1: talk about this because I was talking about biases a
5:56
Speaker 1: few episodes ago, So this is just kind of continuing
6:01
Speaker 1: on from that. And it's this illusion that we all have,
6:04
Speaker 1: and it's called the swimmer's body illusion, but it also
6:07
Speaker 1: translates into other areas in our life, and I think
6:10
Speaker 1: it's important to just be aware of this kind of
6:12
Speaker 1: bias or illusion or whatever you want to label it as.
6:16
Speaker 1: So basically, the swimmer's body illusion is a form of
6:19
Speaker 1: bias where people will attribute a trait or a characteristic
6:24
Speaker 1: to a certain activity and not the other way around.
6:28
Speaker 1: So basically, it's when we assume that certain physical attributes
6:34
Speaker 1: if a group or profession are a result of the
6:36
Speaker 1: training and effort, rather than seeing that the people who
6:40
Speaker 1: naturally possess these traits are more likely to be successful
6:43
Speaker 1: in these areas to begin with. So, for example, when
6:46
Speaker 1: you're starting out as like swimming, people that are going
6:51
Speaker 1: to excel at swimming are the ones that genetically have
6:54
Speaker 1: a body type that would be predisposed to have like long, tall,
6:58
Speaker 1: lean but still muscular, but not like not stocky muscles,
7:01
Speaker 1: but like long lane muscular bodies are likely going to
7:06
Speaker 1: excel in the pool more so than other body types.
7:09
Speaker 1: So therefore those people do do well and are more
7:12
Speaker 1: likely to stick it out and are more likely to
7:14
Speaker 1: become professional swimmers and actually are the ones that are
7:17
Speaker 1: competitive on like a global stage as a swimmer. It's
7:21
Speaker 1: not that swimming gives you a tall, long, lean, muscular
7:26
Speaker 1: body in and of itself if you're not genetically predisposed
7:30
Speaker 1: to have that kind of body. Okay, So that's basically
7:32
Speaker 1: the swimmer's illusion, and that goes for like obviously any sport,
7:36
Speaker 1: and you see it in other physical things like as well.
7:40
Speaker 1: They like you can apply this to all sorts of things,
7:43
Speaker 1: like a lot of people who have like really great
7:47
Speaker 1: asses might be like, Oh, I'm going to release like
7:50
Speaker 1: glute guides or I'm going to be a personal trainer
7:53
Speaker 1: to grow your glutes because they've got a really good
7:55
Speaker 1: ass and they and it's not that they don't work
7:58
Speaker 1: for it, but they might think, well, I've worked really
8:01
Speaker 1: hard for it, and this is the great ass that
8:02
Speaker 1: I have without attributing a lot of that great muscle
8:05
Speaker 1: mass to genetics as well. And you see that with
8:08
Speaker 1: all kinds of sports and like with dancing and even
8:11
Speaker 1: like Polarti's instructors as well, you see a lot of
8:13
Speaker 1: that as well. People that have that quote unquote and
8:15
Speaker 1: I don't like saying this, but the polarates body will
8:18
Speaker 1: lean into becoming a Politis instructor. And then a lot
8:20
Speaker 1: of people see that a lot of Politi's instructors look
8:23
Speaker 1: a certain way and think that if they did polarities,
8:25
Speaker 1: their body would look exactly like that, which is not
8:27
Speaker 1: the case in a lot of cases. Okay, but you
8:32
Speaker 1: also it also applies in other things as well. So,
8:36
Speaker 1: for example, schools and universities, we think that if you
8:40
Speaker 1: graduate from a top tier school, or especially a top
8:45
Speaker 1: tier university, that this university is so good at producing
8:50
Speaker 1: really really smart people. But these universities have a crazy
8:54
Speaker 1: vetting process before you can even get in, so they're
8:58
Speaker 1: already selecting the smart cut to get into that university,
9:02
Speaker 1: so they've already done a lot of the work prior
9:05
Speaker 1: to even getting there. And then the university just serves
9:07
Speaker 1: as like a really good title, a really good name.
9:10
Speaker 1: They offer, yes, good education, but is it really that
9:12
Speaker 1: superior to the other institutions. And then with this person
9:16
Speaker 1: graduates just because if the title and the name, you
9:19
Speaker 1: think that you attribute it to the university as to
9:21
Speaker 1: why they're so smart, instead of thinking this person already
9:24
Speaker 1: was smart due to many other factors in their life
9:26
Speaker 1: that made them that way. Okay, the same thing goes
9:29
Speaker 1: for a lot of like private schools. You think that
9:31
Speaker 1: private schools offer the best education because people that graduate
9:36
Speaker 1: from private schools seem to have relatively successful jobs, instead
9:39
Speaker 1: of looking at it as maybe because people could afford
9:42
Speaker 1: to send them to private schools. They also have a
9:44
Speaker 1: lot of other things on offer to them in their
9:47
Speaker 1: life that someone whose family isn't as wealthy, maybe they
9:51
Speaker 1: don't have the means. So these people have more means
9:53
Speaker 1: to get to where they want to go. They have
9:54
Speaker 1: more opportunity that money can provide them. Also, due to
9:59
Speaker 1: the schools that they're at, the probably able to network
10:01
Speaker 1: a whole lot better and get into jobs and get
10:03
Speaker 1: into job interviews a whole lot easier than someone that
10:05
Speaker 1: wasn't at that school. So it's not to say that
10:07
Speaker 1: this school makes you like a better business person or smarter.
10:12
Speaker 1: It's just that everything that led to you even getting
10:16
Speaker 1: into the school in the first place is probably the
10:17
Speaker 1: reason why you're the way that you are. So that's
10:19
Speaker 1: something to just really be aware of, and it's important
10:24
Speaker 1: to be aware of it because it can lead to
10:26
Speaker 1: false conclusions about success and self improvement and where we
10:31
Speaker 1: think we're going to go by doing a certain thing.
10:33
Speaker 1: I think it's just it helps you keep a broader
10:36
Speaker 1: perspective and a broader opinion on a lot of things
10:39
Speaker 1: if we're aware of this kind of illusion and not
10:42
Speaker 1: thinking that you need to pursue certain things to get
10:44
Speaker 1: a particular outcome. That there are many other things that
10:47
Speaker 1: could attribute to that outcome or that level of success.
10:51
Speaker 1: All right, so good times. That is this swimmer's illusion.
10:56
Speaker 1: Now let's talk about all the swimmer's body illusion, whatever
10:58
Speaker 1: it's called. Now, let's talk about the actual content of
11:02
Speaker 1: today's episode, which is basically this being you're signed to
11:07
Speaker 1: let that thing go. So I want to talk about
11:11
Speaker 1: all sorts of things in this episode, but I'm going
11:13
Speaker 1: to cover things like what happens when we don't let
11:15
Speaker 1: go of something that we know we should be letting
11:17
Speaker 1: go of. And this is job relationship, where we're living.
11:21
Speaker 1: This could apply to friendships, anything, it could apply to
11:25
Speaker 1: any part of your life. I'm going to talk about
11:27
Speaker 1: why we feel so scared and why we hesitate so
11:30
Speaker 1: much to let go even when we are in a
11:32
Speaker 1: position where like, I'm not fucking happy, this is not
11:36
Speaker 1: where I want my life to be. Why it is
11:39
Speaker 1: so hard to let go of that. And I'm also
11:42
Speaker 1: going to be breaking down a whole bunch of different
11:45
Speaker 1: ways or give you tools that you can look at
11:47
Speaker 1: your situation to encourage change and to encourage action for
11:50
Speaker 1: you to kind of direct your life in a different direction. Okay,
11:53
Speaker 1: and let that thing go. Okay, okay. So the first
11:57
Speaker 1: thing that I wanted to talk about is one of
11:59
Speaker 1: the major issues that we have, and it's kind of
12:03
Speaker 1: like it keeps us in this catch twenty two situation
12:05
Speaker 1: or whatever you want to call it, is that we
12:08
Speaker 1: think this situation might be bad. But unless I have
12:12
Speaker 1: something lined up, like another job, another group of friends,
12:16
Speaker 1: a better relationship, something a sure thing that I can
12:21
Speaker 1: swap this out for, then there's no point in me
12:23
Speaker 1: changing because I also don't want to have nothing. I
12:26
Speaker 1: don't want to be single. I don't want to have
12:27
Speaker 1: no friends. I don't want to be jobless. I don't
12:29
Speaker 1: want to whatever it is in the situation. I don't
12:32
Speaker 1: want to have no you know, dream or no For example,
12:35
Speaker 1: like with me, I feel like I held on to
12:37
Speaker 1: my dream of wanting to be an actor for a
12:38
Speaker 1: lot longer than it served me. It wasn't making me
12:40
Speaker 1: happy for so long, but I didn't feel like I
12:42
Speaker 1: had a passion, so even that even something that I
12:45
Speaker 1: wasn't even succeeding at, I was struggling to let go
12:48
Speaker 1: off because I thought, well, if I don't hold onto
12:50
Speaker 1: this is the one thing that I'm striving for. Even
12:52
Speaker 1: though a I wasn't doing well at and B it
12:54
Speaker 1: wasn't even making me happy. Fine if it made me happy,
12:57
Speaker 1: because fucking go for gold. But neither of the things happening.
13:01
Speaker 1: But I was feeling like, unless I have something else,
13:05
Speaker 1: I can't let go of this because then I'm going
13:07
Speaker 1: to feel like I've It's kind of that sun cost fallacy.
13:10
Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel like it's all been a waste. Okay,
13:11
Speaker 1: and we feel that about a lot of things. But
13:13
Speaker 1: the problem is that when we don't let go of
13:17
Speaker 1: that thing first, we stay stuck because many things happen.
13:22
Speaker 1: Number One, you're preoccupied by that thing that you were doing,
13:25
Speaker 1: or by the relationship that you're in. It's actually cock
13:27
Speaker 1: blocking you from other encounters, other opportunities, all sorts of things. Okay.
13:33
Speaker 1: The second thing is that it keeps us attached to
13:35
Speaker 1: this older version of ourselves where we did think this
13:37
Speaker 1: was a good idea. So when in this constant push
13:39
Speaker 1: pull of like, I kind of want to be somewhere else. However,
13:42
Speaker 1: I'm still in this position, so I'm still fixated on this.
13:44
Speaker 1: I'm still the old me. I haven't really shed the
13:47
Speaker 1: dead skin. I haven't shed that skin and really forced
13:50
Speaker 1: myself into a new position. Another thing is that even
13:54
Speaker 1: if it's not serving us, we're technically comfortable. We could
13:58
Speaker 1: be like, I could change now well, or I could
14:00
Speaker 1: change this in a month, I could change this in
14:03
Speaker 1: a year, And we understand how uncomfortable change can be.
14:06
Speaker 1: We all acknowledge how difficult it can be to shake
14:09
Speaker 1: something off and really let go of something, and to
14:12
Speaker 1: be thrown in the deep end, and to really have
14:14
Speaker 1: to swim to the surface with a new job, new career,
14:16
Speaker 1: moving new cities, finding new friends, getting rid of your
14:19
Speaker 1: old fuck with friends who treat you like shit, the relationship,
14:23
Speaker 1: all of that. We know how hard it is, and
14:25
Speaker 1: when we're currently in something that's good enough, we think, yeah, no,
14:29
Speaker 1: I want to change, but I'll just stay here now
14:32
Speaker 1: because I don't think I'm ready. Okay. So because of that,
14:36
Speaker 1: it's really really hard to excel in other areas, because
14:39
Speaker 1: we feel stuck. If you have something ripped up from
14:42
Speaker 1: underneath you, if your job got taken away from you,
14:45
Speaker 1: if it wasn't in your control, watch how you do
14:48
Speaker 1: swim to the surface. You're not going to sit there
14:50
Speaker 1: and be unemployed for the rest of your life. Watch
14:52
Speaker 1: how you become resilient and proactive, and you go and
14:55
Speaker 1: get another job and you or if you got kicked
14:57
Speaker 1: out of your home, you find another home, you find
14:59
Speaker 1: new friends, you have got over that partner, and you
15:01
Speaker 1: find you a relationship that you're happy with. So we
15:05
Speaker 1: have a lot of evidence which we choose to ignore
15:08
Speaker 1: in our life that has already supported this idea that
15:10
Speaker 1: when we are in the deep end, when we do
15:13
Speaker 1: let go of that thing, whether it's intentional or unintentional,
15:15
Speaker 1: when someone's let go of us, and when we let
15:17
Speaker 1: go of that thing, we actually can rise to the
15:19
Speaker 1: surface and a lot easier, well maybe not easier, but
15:23
Speaker 1: a lot more efficiently than we give ourselves credit for. Okay,
15:27
Speaker 1: but when we're in this quote and I say comfortable
15:30
Speaker 1: in quotation marks, because it's not comfortable, we're suffering. We
15:33
Speaker 1: put off changing for so long because we don't think
15:37
Speaker 1: that we'll be able to do it effectively. We don't
15:39
Speaker 1: think that we'll be able to move ahead and have
15:42
Speaker 1: that thing now. The reason we're so scared of this
15:45
Speaker 1: is because we seek security in the big things in life.
15:49
Speaker 1: All of us do. And that's perfectly normal to want
15:52
Speaker 1: some level of security in the big things in life.
15:54
Speaker 1: But what I want you to realize, and this is
15:57
Speaker 1: so important and I need it to be drilled into you,
15:59
Speaker 1: is that it is perfectly normal and acceptable and a
16:04
Speaker 1: human need to want to seek a certain level of security.
16:07
Speaker 1: But I don't want you to think that your whole
16:09
Speaker 1: life has to be set up to find security in
16:11
Speaker 1: the external things. Okay, your real sense of security needs
16:15
Speaker 1: to come from both things, from your connections with other people,
16:19
Speaker 1: but also from yourself and knowing that you are capable
16:22
Speaker 1: of like you're mouldable, you're plastic, you are resilient, you
16:25
Speaker 1: can be you know, proactive and also reactive. You know.
16:29
Speaker 1: So if we are constantly seeking security in the external
16:33
Speaker 1: things around us, and that being the only form of security,
16:36
Speaker 1: then it's going to be terrifying to leave this relationship
16:40
Speaker 1: when there's no other relationship lined up, you know. And
16:43
Speaker 1: I've said it a thousand times. Most people would rather
16:46
Speaker 1: be unhappy than be alone. And I'm not just talking
16:48
Speaker 1: about romantically. This comes in friendships as well. You've heard it,
16:51
Speaker 1: the amount of like poor beans that right in and
16:55
Speaker 1: it breaks my heart talking about these really unhealthy friendship groups.
16:59
Speaker 1: But they're like, but there's no one else I can
17:02
Speaker 1: be friends with, and so they'll put up with bullshit.
17:06
Speaker 1: They'll put up with like the dregs of society because
17:10
Speaker 1: they don't have an alternative friend to turn to, and
17:13
Speaker 1: they don't want to be by themselves. They don't want
17:15
Speaker 1: to be alone. But I can guarantee you it's like
17:18
Speaker 1: the thing that's stopping us from actually, you know, letting
17:23
Speaker 1: go and taking that leap is the thing that will
17:26
Speaker 1: cause all your success, and that is completely drawing a
17:29
Speaker 1: line in the sand and letting go of that thing.
17:31
Speaker 1: It's very difficult, very difficult for you to make really healthy,
17:35
Speaker 1: great new friends while you are entertaining people that treat
17:38
Speaker 1: you like shit. And the reason it's so difficult is
17:40
Speaker 1: because your belief in yourself has been broken. Your self
17:45
Speaker 1: esteem is probably not at its best, your self confidence
17:49
Speaker 1: is probably not at its best. Your ability to trust
17:52
Speaker 1: yourself and to back yourself and to defend yourself is
17:57
Speaker 1: probably not at its best. When you go against what
18:00
Speaker 1: you know is right for you, job, friends, relationship, city
18:05
Speaker 1: that you live in, you are saying to yourself, I'm
18:07
Speaker 1: ignoring what I know is really right for me. My
18:10
Speaker 1: confidence is now getting a bit shaky. I can't really
18:12
Speaker 1: trust what I think is right or wrong because I'm
18:14
Speaker 1: going against what I think. I think. I'm just gonna
18:16
Speaker 1: let all these other external factors dictate it, and I'm
18:19
Speaker 1: not going to do this thing. Okay. Now, I don't
18:23
Speaker 1: want to make it sound like it's easy, because it's
18:25
Speaker 1: not easy. It's fucking hard, and it's very hard for
18:27
Speaker 1: many reason. It's number one because I'm literally saying, let
18:30
Speaker 1: go of the fucking thing and start from scratch. That's
18:32
Speaker 1: very hard to do, doable, more doable than you realize.
18:36
Speaker 1: But of course it's hard to do because you're going
18:38
Speaker 1: from surviving where you're at now, like you can survive.
18:42
Speaker 1: You might not like it, but you're surviving, to thinking
18:45
Speaker 1: now I've got to shake things up and start from scratch.
18:46
Speaker 1: And I could do it now, or I could do
18:48
Speaker 1: it in a week's time, or I could do it
18:50
Speaker 1: in a month's time, and all of us are likely
18:52
Speaker 1: going to I'm not gonna say all, but many of
18:54
Speaker 1: us are likely going to choose in a month's time.
18:56
Speaker 1: I don't want to have to think about it right now.
18:58
Speaker 1: It's too hard a decision. The other reason why it's
19:01
Speaker 1: so hard for us is because, like I said, your
19:04
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself is not as good as you think
19:06
Speaker 1: it is. If you're stuck in a situation and you
19:08
Speaker 1: can't break out and you can't let that thing go okay,
19:12
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is that you are not
19:14
Speaker 1: honoring yourself. And when you don't honor yourself and what
19:17
Speaker 1: you know is right, that's that stuff gets harder and
19:20
Speaker 1: harder and harder. Like I can think of many examples
19:24
Speaker 1: in my life, several examples in my life where I
19:27
Speaker 1: was in that position and unhappy, and because I was unhappy,
19:31
Speaker 1: it made it so much harder for me to snap
19:33
Speaker 1: out of it, break away from that thing, and change
19:37
Speaker 1: up my life, okay. And it almost I almost needed
19:40
Speaker 1: a push every time, at least initially for me to realize, wow,
19:45
Speaker 1: I actually am equipped to do this on my own.
19:47
Speaker 1: So like the push came in the form of, you know,
19:50
Speaker 1: a breakup, or in the form of you know, getting
19:54
Speaker 1: rejected from a job or not getting a job that
19:56
Speaker 1: I thought I'd get, And it was all these external
19:58
Speaker 1: things that were happening that would make me make the
20:01
Speaker 1: change and do it. But I remember, in the times
20:04
Speaker 1: that I was really unhappy and want to change, I
20:05
Speaker 1: didn't have the self confidence and I didn't have the
20:07
Speaker 1: ability to be like, this is not good enough and
20:10
Speaker 1: I want more. So the cooked thing is, and it's
20:13
Speaker 1: so fucking cooked. It's like being in a fucking slow cooker.
20:16
Speaker 1: That's how cooked it is. Is that staying in this
20:19
Speaker 1: position makes it harder and harder and harder. So when
20:22
Speaker 1: you say I'll give it six months to decide, I'll
20:24
Speaker 1: give it another month, you are making it harder for yourself,
20:27
Speaker 1: especially if there's no real reason for that time frame. So,
20:31
Speaker 1: for example, when you say to yourself, I'm going to
20:34
Speaker 1: give this relationship another six months to decide, or I'm
20:37
Speaker 1: going to give this job another six months to decide,
20:40
Speaker 1: that is not a good enough way to look at it.
20:42
Speaker 1: You have to change it. I'm all forgiving time frames,
20:44
Speaker 1: but you you've got to do it better. Firstly, you
20:47
Speaker 1: need to have something measurable. What can I measure in
20:50
Speaker 1: other words, what needs to change in the next six
20:52
Speaker 1: months for me to stay, or what has to happen
20:55
Speaker 1: in the next six months that will make me leave,
20:58
Speaker 1: or what lack of action or what life lack of
21:00
Speaker 1: something happening will make me leave. And it needs to
21:02
Speaker 1: be measurable, And you've got to fucking honor that measure. Okay. So,
21:06
Speaker 1: for example, if you're in a relationship and you're just
21:08
Speaker 1: not that happy and you say, oh, things don't get
21:11
Speaker 1: better in six months time, then I'm gonna leave. Or
21:14
Speaker 1: if you're in a situation where you feel extremely underappreciated
21:17
Speaker 1: in your job and you say, if I don't feel
21:19
Speaker 1: better about this job in six months time, then I'm
21:20
Speaker 1: gonna leave, that's very arbitrary. Okay. So let's take the
21:24
Speaker 1: job example. Let's say you know you are up for
21:27
Speaker 1: a promotion, or you know that you should be given
21:29
Speaker 1: more responsibilities than You've spoken about it, You've flagged it
21:32
Speaker 1: with them, you've communicated, and you are just unhappy and
21:34
Speaker 1: you're not being appreciated. Then you can say to yourself
21:37
Speaker 1: and ideally to your boss as well, if things don't
21:41
Speaker 1: change in the next six months, I'm going to look
21:43
Speaker 1: at other options. But to yourself, you're going to say,
21:45
Speaker 1: I don't get that fucking promotion in the next six
21:47
Speaker 1: months time, I'm out. They know that I want it,
21:49
Speaker 1: I've been going for it, I deserve it, I work
21:52
Speaker 1: whatever I'm fucking done, and if this doesn't change, I'm out.
21:56
Speaker 1: Or if this boss stays as my boss and they
22:00
Speaker 1: keep bulling me the same way that they're bullying me,
22:02
Speaker 1: I will have to leave. I think a lot of
22:04
Speaker 1: people think, oh, well, you know, maybe my boss will go,
22:06
Speaker 1: maybe this, Maybe that You've got to have a time
22:07
Speaker 1: limit for that of what you're willing to put up
22:09
Speaker 1: with if it's a relationship and you're not that happy.
22:11
Speaker 1: A lot of people say, you know, I'm one day,
22:15
Speaker 1: I'll snap. One day, I'm just going to, like, you know,
22:18
Speaker 1: walk away one day. I'm reaching my limit. I'm reaching
22:21
Speaker 1: my limit. Your limit is a lot higher than you
22:23
Speaker 1: give yourself credit for, which is not a good thing
22:26
Speaker 1: when it comes to putting up with bullshit. You can
22:28
Speaker 1: put up with a lot of fucking bullshit. So to
22:30
Speaker 1: say I'm going to reach my limit, I'm going to
22:32
Speaker 1: reach my limit, You're going to be feeling like the
22:34
Speaker 1: shit is can't on this planet. You're going to be disrespected,
22:37
Speaker 1: You're going to be in a really bad relationship, and
22:39
Speaker 1: probably still not have reached your limit, because the problem
22:41
Speaker 1: with that is that your idea of what your limit
22:44
Speaker 1: is and what you're deserving off drops and drops and
22:46
Speaker 1: drops and drops and drops. The worse you feel about
22:48
Speaker 1: yourself and the worse your life circumstances are. Okay, So,
22:51
Speaker 1: for example, what my limit is now, the threshold now
22:56
Speaker 1: is a lot stricter than what it was when I
22:59
Speaker 1: was in an abusive relaytionship, if that makes sense, Because
23:02
Speaker 1: when I was an abusive relationship, my self esteem, my
23:04
Speaker 1: confidence was literally shot to pieces. So what I was
23:08
Speaker 1: willing to put up with, what my limit was, was
23:11
Speaker 1: pretty infinite, even though I would say, you know, but
23:14
Speaker 1: if this happened, I would leave if this happened, but
23:16
Speaker 1: I stayed. Whereas now, my confidence, my ability to see,
23:21
Speaker 1: my resilience, my abilities are all these things. I've got
23:23
Speaker 1: a standard for what my relationship has to look like,
23:26
Speaker 1: and if it crosses below a certain threshold, and that
23:29
Speaker 1: threshold is pretty fucking high, I'm out of here. And
23:32
Speaker 1: I know exactly what those things are. I don't need
23:34
Speaker 1: to go into detail on this episode, but I've got
23:36
Speaker 1: my exact list of things that I would not put
23:39
Speaker 1: up with and I would walk away. And they're not
23:42
Speaker 1: like astronomically fucked up things. Okay, So the longer you
23:47
Speaker 1: stay in these situations, the more you're making it harder
23:49
Speaker 1: to come up with, like what would actually change in
23:52
Speaker 1: the six months time, So I don't like it when
23:54
Speaker 1: you say to yourself, oh, you know, I'll give it
23:56
Speaker 1: a month. I'll give it six months. If you're going
23:58
Speaker 1: to do that, you've got to be really, really strict
24:00
Speaker 1: with what will happen or what won't happen that will
24:03
Speaker 1: cause me to stay or cause me to leave. If
24:06
Speaker 1: you don't have an answer to that, then you need
24:08
Speaker 1: to fuck and walk away right now because you're already unhappy.
24:13
Speaker 1: And if there's no actual change in the future. So,
24:16
Speaker 1: for example, if you're in a marriage and nothing is changing, nothing,
24:21
Speaker 1: nothing is changing, their behavior is not changing. You say,
24:22
Speaker 1: I'm going to give it another six months. What are
24:24
Speaker 1: you actually waiting for and what would need to happen
24:26
Speaker 1: at that six months for you to leave? That's different
24:28
Speaker 1: to now, what if it just coasted the same way
24:29
Speaker 1: it was? Why are you're still staying? It's because you're
24:32
Speaker 1: scared to stay, which is fair, But is that a
24:34
Speaker 1: good enough reason? That's what you got to ask yourself. However,
24:38
Speaker 1: if you're in a marriage and things have hit shit
24:40
Speaker 1: has hit the fan, and whatever, and then you both
24:42
Speaker 1: decide let's go to therapy, your partner's like, I want
24:45
Speaker 1: to change, I want help with changing, Let's go to therapy,
24:47
Speaker 1: let's do it together. Let then yes, you can say
24:51
Speaker 1: I want to give it six months because something's changed,
24:54
Speaker 1: You've got something measurable. And you say, if in six
24:57
Speaker 1: months I feel the same as now, then I can
24:59
Speaker 1: still away. But at least I know I've given it
25:01
Speaker 1: a shot. Okay. So that's what I'm talking about. What
25:04
Speaker 1: is different that's causing you to wait more time to
25:07
Speaker 1: let that thing go? What is it in this career
25:11
Speaker 1: that you're striving for that you want different? Okay? And
25:14
Speaker 1: like I said, this episode is not for things that
25:17
Speaker 1: are actually serving you, Like if you're in a career
25:19
Speaker 1: where you're like, for example, when I was doing acting,
25:22
Speaker 1: wasn't happening for me. But if I loved it and
25:23
Speaker 1: people be like, fuck, I don't get careful, get roles.
25:26
Speaker 1: I just love auditioning. I love doing this. I lovelahlahlahlahlahlah.
25:29
Speaker 1: Then this episode's not for me because it's not grinding
25:33
Speaker 1: me down, and it's not like it you know, it
25:35
Speaker 1: doesn't serve me, it doesn't make me happy. I'm talking
25:38
Speaker 1: about the things here that you are holding on to
25:40
Speaker 1: but no longer serve you. That's what we're talking about
25:43
Speaker 1: in this episode.
25:44
Speaker 2: It's okay, so let's.
25:54
Speaker 1: Break it down into a few steps. I've kind of
25:58
Speaker 1: already gone into some of those steps, but let's let's
26:01
Speaker 1: break it down. So the step, the first step is
26:04
Speaker 1: of course very basic. Identify what it is that you
26:07
Speaker 1: want to let go off. Okay, it might be one thing,
26:09
Speaker 1: it might be a few things, it might be every
26:11
Speaker 1: aspect of your life. I don't care. Write it down.
26:15
Speaker 1: Get clear and actually write it down, because I think
26:17
Speaker 1: it's very like symbolic to write something down. Don't type
26:24
Speaker 1: it ideally on paper. It's there in front of You've
26:27
Speaker 1: taken out of your head. You've put it on paper.
26:28
Speaker 1: It feels a little bit more real. Okay, identify what
26:31
Speaker 1: that thing is. And if you're like, oh, but I'm
26:34
Speaker 1: not sure, then say I'm going to write down the
26:36
Speaker 1: things that I'm wondering if I should be letting go
26:39
Speaker 1: off or not. So if you're in an arm R
26:40
Speaker 1: does this serve me it? Does it? Not? Write it down? Okay?
26:43
Speaker 1: The next thing is I want you to identify the
26:45
Speaker 1: fears that you have as to why you haven't let
26:50
Speaker 1: go of it yet, or why you feel that you
26:52
Speaker 1: won't be able to let go of that thing, Like,
26:54
Speaker 1: what are these fears? What would your reality look like
27:00
Speaker 1: in the immediate future after letting go of that thing,
27:03
Speaker 1: and then what could your reality look like in the
27:06
Speaker 1: more mid to long term future if you let go
27:09
Speaker 1: of that thing. You can think of worst case scenario,
27:11
Speaker 1: you can think of best case scenario, you can think
27:13
Speaker 1: of middle ground scenario. But start getting really clear on
27:17
Speaker 1: what your fears are. And I also want you to
27:22
Speaker 1: be really really realistic with acknowledging that a lot of
27:26
Speaker 1: the things that you're scared off are just short term things.
27:30
Speaker 1: But we will put off experiencing this short term discomfort,
27:35
Speaker 1: but then trade that in for staying in something that's
27:38
Speaker 1: going to cause us long, long, long, long term pain
27:41
Speaker 1: or discomfort. Okay, So, for example, when you let go
27:43
Speaker 1: of something, it's almost always going to be hard, it's
27:48
Speaker 1: almost always going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be
27:51
Speaker 1: you know, you're more alone. You've got to put yourself
27:53
Speaker 1: out there, you've got to be vulnerable, you might come
27:55
Speaker 1: across other failures while trying to get to where you
27:57
Speaker 1: want to go. There's all these things that are going
27:59
Speaker 1: to happen. It's going to be scary if you're moving
28:01
Speaker 1: places that that represents so much that has to change,
28:05
Speaker 1: if you're moving a city or whatever. So that fear
28:10
Speaker 1: of that difficulty is what puts us off. So I
28:14
Speaker 1: want you to really identify what is short term that
28:18
Speaker 1: regardless it would only ever be short term. You know,
28:21
Speaker 1: regardless if I if things went well for me or
28:24
Speaker 1: things didn't go as well as I would have hoped,
28:25
Speaker 1: would only be short term, like moving, whether you love
28:28
Speaker 1: your new job or not, that discomfort is relatively short term, okay.
28:33
Speaker 1: And the beauty of it is even if you got
28:35
Speaker 1: into another job and you're like, wow, I really don't
28:37
Speaker 1: love this job, you don't love your old one anyway,
28:38
Speaker 1: so really it's not actually worst case scenario. You can
28:41
Speaker 1: just keep trying. Now you're in a position where you
28:43
Speaker 1: found out you're not going to die, it wasn't the
28:45
Speaker 1: worst thing in the world. Now I'm like, okay, cool,
28:47
Speaker 1: this has taught me that I can do it. Now
28:49
Speaker 1: it's easier for me to do it. And also you're
28:51
Speaker 1: going to find that with most things in life, when
28:53
Speaker 1: you do something, once you realize, you teach yourself about
28:56
Speaker 1: yourself and you're like, I could, I was able to
28:58
Speaker 1: do it. You know like the first heartbreak I had,
29:02
Speaker 1: no other heartbreak will ever come close to it, not
29:04
Speaker 1: because I won't be sadder, but because I won't be
29:07
Speaker 1: so lost and being like, I have no idea how
29:10
Speaker 1: I'll be able to recover, you know, Like, for example,
29:13
Speaker 1: with my relationship, if Turn and I broke up, not gone,
29:17
Speaker 1: would love him so much. Let's hop that never happens,
29:20
Speaker 1: but if we did, I would at the very least
29:23
Speaker 1: know that I could pull myself back together. Whereas the
29:26
Speaker 1: first breakup I ever had, the first heartbreak I ever had,
29:28
Speaker 1: I actually had this idea that I'd be fucked for
29:30
Speaker 1: the rest of my life. I was that devastated in
29:32
Speaker 1: a whole Here, I would be absolutely devastated and heartbroken,
29:35
Speaker 1: but I would know. I'd have a deep knowing that
29:37
Speaker 1: I'm capable of pulling myself together because I've done it
29:39
Speaker 1: several times before, and I've come out the other side
29:43
Speaker 1: perfectly fine and flourishing and discovered a new life that
29:48
Speaker 1: I didn't even know existed for me. Okay, So that
29:50
Speaker 1: will happen with everything that you let go of, whether
29:53
Speaker 1: it happens to you or whether you do it. The
29:56
Speaker 1: more it happens, the more resilient, you discover that you
29:59
Speaker 1: actually are so. Anyway, that was a tangent, but we
30:01
Speaker 1: are identifying the fears as to why it is that
30:04
Speaker 1: you haven't done it a way you think that you
30:05
Speaker 1: can't do it, and then realizing what's going to be
30:10
Speaker 1: short term, So like, if something is so short term,
30:13
Speaker 1: should you really be avoiding it now? Step three, and
30:17
Speaker 1: this is really interesting, is what does the fear of
30:20
Speaker 1: losing something manifest as. So the fear of losing you know,
30:26
Speaker 1: your the relationship, your job, or whatever it manifests as
30:33
Speaker 1: being less spontaneous, less risky, jealous. You focus on losses
30:39
Speaker 1: and on not losing rather than on gaining something. You're
30:42
Speaker 1: more reactive instead of proactive. Because one thing that's really
30:46
Speaker 1: common is that we will be so scared of losing
30:50
Speaker 1: something even when we don't think that thing is good
30:54
Speaker 1: for us, and it almost makes it scarier to lose
30:59
Speaker 1: it even and what we know it's not good for
31:01
Speaker 1: us because of what I spoke about, how it like
31:03
Speaker 1: impacts your confidence and your self esteem and what you
31:05
Speaker 1: think you're capable of attaining or achieving if that thing
31:08
Speaker 1: was gone. So back to me, lol about one of
31:12
Speaker 1: my like when I was in a really emotionally abusive relationship.
31:16
Speaker 1: I knew that I wasn't happy, but I also thought
31:20
Speaker 1: that it was the best relationship I could get. Right,
31:22
Speaker 1: I also put this person on a pedestal, even though
31:24
Speaker 1: I was anxious all the time, and I you know,
31:27
Speaker 1: we fought all the time, and I was so scared
31:30
Speaker 1: to lose the relationship, so scared to lose a relationship
31:34
Speaker 1: that for the first time ever, I started feeling like jealous,
31:38
Speaker 1: I started feeling insecure. I started, like, you know, playing
31:43
Speaker 1: it small and trying to pander to everything that my
31:47
Speaker 1: partner wanted because I didn't want it to break up.
31:51
Speaker 1: I didn't want to lose the relationship, even though I
31:54
Speaker 1: knew it was so unhealthy for me. I was aware
31:56
Speaker 1: of it, and I know that I was aware of
31:58
Speaker 1: it because I never told anyone what was really going
32:02
Speaker 1: on in the relationship because I didn't want people to
32:03
Speaker 1: judge me. I knew it was unhealthy, I knew it
32:05
Speaker 1: was wrong right, And it actually took him ending things
32:09
Speaker 1: for me to actually snap out of it and you know,
32:13
Speaker 1: realize what was going on. Now in the healthiest relationship ever,
32:17
Speaker 1: I'm never in a position of thinking I'm gonna lose this.
32:20
Speaker 1: I'm gonna lose this. I need to protect it. I
32:21
Speaker 1: need to hold on so tired because I have a
32:23
Speaker 1: different perspective. I don't think about fearing losing because I'm
32:27
Speaker 1: so I'm so much happier with my situation and myself
32:32
Speaker 1: and my confidence and what I have to offer. And
32:35
Speaker 1: I look at my partner and I as on the
32:36
Speaker 1: same page. I don't look at it's like, oh my god,
32:39
Speaker 1: I'm this little plub that you've chosen to be with
32:41
Speaker 1: and I'm lucky that you've chosen to be with me. Instead,
32:43
Speaker 1: I look at it as I'm grateful for what we've
32:45
Speaker 1: got and what we've built together, and I'm so I'm
32:48
Speaker 1: never jealous. I'm never like holding onto something so tired.
32:51
Speaker 1: I'm never scared to say what I feel. I'm never
32:54
Speaker 1: scared to express how I feel about a situation or
32:56
Speaker 1: express if I'm upset or frustrated or whatever. I never
33:00
Speaker 1: think that me being who I am and doing what
33:03
Speaker 1: I need to do to make something work for me,
33:05
Speaker 1: I never think I'm not going to do that because
33:07
Speaker 1: I'm scared to lose you. There's no fear of loss
33:10
Speaker 1: because it's either right for me and we work on
33:13
Speaker 1: it together, or it's not and it's either going to
33:15
Speaker 1: break up or dissolve because they leave me or because
33:19
Speaker 1: I can't do it anymore. Okay, So ironically, the healthier
33:22
Speaker 1: the relationship is, the less fear I have of losing it,
33:27
Speaker 1: if that makes any sense at all, And that will
33:29
Speaker 1: work with most things in your life. The more you
33:32
Speaker 1: are confident and comfortable and thriving within yourself, the less
33:36
Speaker 1: fear you're going to have of losing things, because you're
33:38
Speaker 1: going to realize that you don't actually have full control
33:41
Speaker 1: over whether something stays or whether something goes in your life,
33:44
Speaker 1: and in something isn't right and you're still holding onto it.
33:47
Speaker 1: That comes down to a fear of losing that thing, Okay,
33:51
Speaker 1: And you need to really look into that, and you
33:53
Speaker 1: need to really address why am I so scared of
33:54
Speaker 1: losing this thing when I know it's not even right
33:56
Speaker 1: for me? Is it because my self esteem has been
33:58
Speaker 1: shot to pieces? Is it because I've put this thing
34:00
Speaker 1: or this person or this group of friends on a
34:02
Speaker 1: fucking pedestal? Okay? The amount of people that put toxic
34:05
Speaker 1: friends and people on a pedestal is scary, and the
34:09
Speaker 1: moment you can pull them down for the pedestal and
34:11
Speaker 1: start trying to make yourself feel a bit better about
34:13
Speaker 1: yourself and about your relationship with yourself and better about
34:17
Speaker 1: your decisions. You're not going to be so scared to
34:19
Speaker 1: lose it because you realize it's just not for you. Okay.
34:23
Speaker 1: Now Step four is I want you to start equipping
34:25
Speaker 1: yourself with the right counter thoughts. Now, okay, And what
34:29
Speaker 1: I mean by that is we are primed to avoid loss.
34:33
Speaker 1: That's why when you could be in a relationship that
34:36
Speaker 1: you're like, this is shit, we fight all the time,
34:38
Speaker 1: or it's average, or it's not what it used to
34:39
Speaker 1: be on broad and board, and so it's more negative
34:41
Speaker 1: than positive. Then that relationship breaks down and then no
34:44
Speaker 1: new partner rolls around quick enough, and then you start thinking, fuck,
34:49
Speaker 1: did I fuck it up? Should I have stayed? Or
34:51
Speaker 1: should I have like fought harder when they left me?
34:53
Speaker 1: Or should I have not left them? And you start
34:55
Speaker 1: looking at it through like rose colored lenses and start thinking,
34:58
Speaker 1: oh my god, you know I should have st But
35:00
Speaker 1: that's because we're primed to avoid loss, you know. We
35:03
Speaker 1: start to look at the past through like, oh my god,
35:06
Speaker 1: it was so much better it was so good, when
35:08
Speaker 1: in reality, at the end of that relationship you actually
35:10
Speaker 1: weren't that happy. For a lot of people, not everyone,
35:13
Speaker 1: but for a subset of the population, you weren't actually
35:16
Speaker 1: that happy. Or at the end of that job you
35:18
Speaker 1: hated it. You loved it the first year, but you
35:20
Speaker 1: actually hated it. So only now that you've left that
35:22
Speaker 1: you turn around and cherry prick pick what was good.
35:26
Speaker 1: So because your fear based side of things wants you
35:28
Speaker 1: to go back to it, so you're not in quote
35:30
Speaker 1: unquote danger, or you're not exposed or you're not vulnerable, Okay,
35:33
Speaker 1: So be aware that that's where your mind is likely
35:37
Speaker 1: going to go when you first leave that thing that
35:39
Speaker 1: you've let go off. Okay, job, whatever, city, whatever, There's
35:43
Speaker 1: going to be that initial in the difficult phase that
35:45
Speaker 1: we've identified earlier. There's going to be this initial time
35:48
Speaker 1: where our thoughts are going to try and convince us
35:51
Speaker 1: that we did the wrong thing and we need to
35:53
Speaker 1: go back to what's secure and what's safe, even though
35:55
Speaker 1: we knew it was not. Okay, So start to come
35:59
Speaker 1: up with count thoughts to these damaging thought processes that
36:05
Speaker 1: you know are going to happen. Okay, So, for example,
36:08
Speaker 1: say I know that if I leave this relationship, I'm
36:10
Speaker 1: going to remind myself of the first five months where
36:13
Speaker 1: it was really fucking good, where they gave me everything,
36:16
Speaker 1: all the attention or the love, where there was zest,
36:18
Speaker 1: where there was passion, where there was all this shit.
36:21
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be reminding myself that constantly, and then I'm
36:24
Speaker 1: going to be like knocking on my ex's door again
36:27
Speaker 1: hoping that they'll take me back, or like telling them
36:30
Speaker 1: to come over so I can bang them, so that
36:32
Speaker 1: way we have that connection again, right, or the same
36:35
Speaker 1: goes for friends, or the same goes maybe I should
36:37
Speaker 1: like go back to that job or why did I
36:39
Speaker 1: quit that job? But okay, so now that you've identified
36:42
Speaker 1: what your thoughts might turn into in your initial stages
36:46
Speaker 1: of having left that thing, what are thoughts that you
36:48
Speaker 1: can counter it with? So if you're looking at the
36:50
Speaker 1: relationship side of things, say, yes, true, the five months
36:53
Speaker 1: were actually really good initially, but when I left the relationship,
36:57
Speaker 1: none of that still existed. So whether I stayed in
36:59
Speaker 1: the relationlationship or whether I left, the good times were
37:02
Speaker 1: done and dusted. They were no longer you know, love
37:05
Speaker 1: bombing me and I was no longer under the illusion
37:07
Speaker 1: that things were good, or you could say, like if
37:10
Speaker 1: the person wasn't a such a fucking path, you could
37:13
Speaker 1: say to yourself, yes, these things were all great, but
37:18
Speaker 1: by the end of the relationship we had outgrown each other,
37:21
Speaker 1: and had I stayed in the relationship, we probably would
37:24
Speaker 1: have continued to outgrow each other further and further. Those
37:26
Speaker 1: good times that are focusing on were ones that we outgrew.
37:28
Speaker 1: We weren't each other's match anymore. We started frustrating each other,
37:32
Speaker 1: We started being annoyed. This this this so like think
37:35
Speaker 1: of counter thought. Same with your job. I remember sitting
37:38
Speaker 1: at my desk feeling I'm so unfulfilled. Is this what
37:40
Speaker 1: the rest of my life is going to look like?
37:41
Speaker 1: So remind yourself of why you wanted to leave in
37:44
Speaker 1: the first place. They're going to be the counter arguments
37:47
Speaker 1: to when your brain, or your mind or your fears
37:51
Speaker 1: try and convince you that you made a bad idea,
37:53
Speaker 1: because we're pretty good at being aversive or preventive, like
37:59
Speaker 1: preventing lows, and our brains will do a lot to
38:02
Speaker 1: convince us not to lose something, okay, because that's the
38:06
Speaker 1: protective fearful side of ourselves. Now, the next thing that
38:11
Speaker 1: I want you to do Step five is ask yourself,
38:14
Speaker 1: am I setting myself right now for an even bigger fall? Okay?
38:19
Speaker 1: Sometimes we work so hard to protect what we have.
38:24
Speaker 1: We spend all the time trying to protect what we
38:27
Speaker 1: have when it doesn't even make us that happy, that
38:31
Speaker 1: we don't open our eyes to the possibility of what
38:33
Speaker 1: we could experience, what we could have. Okay, there's nothing
38:38
Speaker 1: wrong with watering the garden that you currently have, if
38:41
Speaker 1: it serves you, if it's healthy for you, if it's
38:44
Speaker 1: good for you. That's so much of my podcast talks
38:46
Speaker 1: about being in the present, really nurturing what you have,
38:49
Speaker 1: and that's where your happiness will come from, if it
38:52
Speaker 1: serves you. But like I said earlier, this podcast is
38:55
Speaker 1: not about that. This podcast episode is about what do
38:58
Speaker 1: we do when we know it's not right, but we
39:00
Speaker 1: still hold on so tight, you know, when things aren't
39:03
Speaker 1: going the way we want it to go, and we're
39:05
Speaker 1: holding on, holding on, holding on so tight, and we
39:08
Speaker 1: know we check our partner's phones, we are paranoid that
39:11
Speaker 1: our friends are talking about us behind our back, where
39:13
Speaker 1: we're thinking. You know, that kind of shit. Okay, Sometimes
39:17
Speaker 1: by holding on so tightly to something and being so
39:22
Speaker 1: fear based about I don't know if I can lose this.
39:24
Speaker 1: I've got to stay here. I've got it, like, I've
39:25
Speaker 1: got to be so controlling of everything around me. We
39:28
Speaker 1: set ourselves up for it even bigger fail because a
39:31
Speaker 1: we're not having a good time, it's not actually serving us.
39:36
Speaker 1: It's damaging to our relationship with our self. It's damaging
39:40
Speaker 1: to our confidence that when that thing does break down,
39:43
Speaker 1: even when it does break down, we realize, wait a minute,
39:47
Speaker 1: I never actually had full control over that thing. And
39:49
Speaker 1: there I was having like a really shocking time doing it,
39:53
Speaker 1: being there holding on so tight, and I wasn't actually
39:57
Speaker 1: opening my eyes to everything else that there is out
40:00
Speaker 1: there for me. Like and I'm going to bring it
40:03
Speaker 1: back to I've quoted this scene in a movie, but
40:08
Speaker 1: I'm going to quote it again because it is the best.
40:10
Speaker 1: It's probably my favorite quote out of any film ever
40:13
Speaker 1: in the world, and it's from a rom com. And
40:17
Speaker 1: I think this is like in one of my first
40:18
Speaker 1: ever twenty episodes, I actually quoted this and I'm going
40:20
Speaker 1: to quote it again because if you haven't watched this film,
40:22
Speaker 1: then watch it, but it's the movie is from like
40:24
Speaker 1: nineteen ninety six. It's French Kiss with Meg Ryan, and
40:29
Speaker 1: basically what happens in the film. Sorry if you've already
40:31
Speaker 1: heard me bang on about this, but I love it
40:32
Speaker 1: so much. What happens in the film is basically this woman,
40:35
Speaker 1: Meg Ryan. She is in like a comfortable job with
40:38
Speaker 1: a comfortable partner. Everything's amazing, and she like lives like
40:41
Speaker 1: everything's very safe and secure, and she's a bit ocd
40:43
Speaker 1: and she you know, can't get on flight. So she's
40:45
Speaker 1: a bit fearful and jumpy and scared, but she's got
40:47
Speaker 1: this perfect little life that she's built. And her fiance
40:52
Speaker 1: goes to Paris. They live in Canada. He goes to
40:54
Speaker 1: Paris for a business trip and then he calls from
40:56
Speaker 1: there being like I'm leaving you. I've met the love
40:58
Speaker 1: of my life. See ya. She then gets on a flight,
41:02
Speaker 1: even though she's so scared to get on a flight,
41:04
Speaker 1: and then everything starts to go wrong. She loses her passport,
41:06
Speaker 1: her bags gets stolen. She gets to France, she sees
41:09
Speaker 1: him with the fiance, sorry, with his new lover who
41:13
Speaker 1: he proposes to like straight away, and she anyway, so
41:15
Speaker 1: she's in this whole like crazy thing. She meets this
41:18
Speaker 1: guy who helps her basically on this whole journey, and
41:21
Speaker 1: then she finally gets to confront her fiance and she
41:24
Speaker 1: says this quote in the film. The scene is in
41:28
Speaker 1: cann and she's sitting on the beach. It's just iconic
41:30
Speaker 1: and this like stripey blue and white T shirt. It's
41:33
Speaker 1: just watched the fucking film, guys. It's so good. But
41:35
Speaker 1: she says, and I've written her down because it's so good,
41:37
Speaker 1: and I'm just basing my entire step six of what
41:39
Speaker 1: Meg Ryan says in French Kids. But she says, I
41:44
Speaker 1: was wondering the streets of Paris, penniless, without a hope
41:46
Speaker 1: in the world. And let me tell you, you can do
41:48
Speaker 1: a lot of soul searching at a time like that.
41:50
Speaker 1: And I realized that I've spent most of my adult
41:52
Speaker 1: life trying to protect myself from exactly that situation. And
41:56
Speaker 1: you just can't do it. There is no home safe enough,
41:59
Speaker 1: there is no country nice enough, there is no relationship
42:02
Speaker 1: secure enough. You're just setting yourself up for an even
42:04
Speaker 1: bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process.
42:08
Speaker 1: And I'm like, fucking amen to that. I wish I
42:11
Speaker 1: had heard that halfway through my toxic relationship, and I
42:14
Speaker 1: would have fucking well, I don't know. I hope I
42:15
Speaker 1: would have dumped the cant. But anyway, basically, what she's
42:20
Speaker 1: saying is that we are so loss aversive and we
42:26
Speaker 1: are so fixated on holding onto things that are not
42:29
Speaker 1: even that great sometimes that don't even serve us, that
42:33
Speaker 1: we end up missing out on everything that life has
42:36
Speaker 1: to offer. Instead of thinking, I have to lock this
42:39
Speaker 1: down further, I have to really make it secure or
42:41
Speaker 1: I can't leave this. Instead of leaving this relation, I
42:43
Speaker 1: gotta lock it down even further, I no, no, no, because
42:45
Speaker 1: I need to be secure. And then something does fall apart,
42:48
Speaker 1: and we think our whole life has falled apart. When
42:51
Speaker 1: you're less when you hold on and fixate less on things,
42:55
Speaker 1: When you hold on less on things, things unfold for
42:57
Speaker 1: you as you show up for them. I just want
43:00
Speaker 1: you to realize that when you do let go of
43:02
Speaker 1: that thing, many many, many, many many doors open. We
43:06
Speaker 1: say to ourselves. If I let go of this relationship,
43:09
Speaker 1: that's a closed door. And then I've just shut a door,
43:12
Speaker 1: and now I'm here with a fucking shut door. But
43:15
Speaker 1: that's not what happens. You walk out of that room
43:18
Speaker 1: and then you walk into a fucking corridor with a
43:21
Speaker 1: thousand doors. That's what happens. Same as the job, same
43:24
Speaker 1: as when you move cities, same as everything. Okay, you
43:27
Speaker 1: step away from something, you close that door, and only then,
43:30
Speaker 1: only then do you see what's out there really available
43:35
Speaker 1: for the taking. When you're stuck where you are thinking,
43:39
Speaker 1: I need another relationship to roll around before I jump
43:41
Speaker 1: out of this one. I need another job or something
43:43
Speaker 1: to slap me in the face before I leave. I
43:44
Speaker 1: need another friendship group. That's not going to happen because
43:47
Speaker 1: you're stuck protecting yourself, trying to feel protected, trying to
43:50
Speaker 1: feel safe. That's what's happening. That's what mc ryan was
43:52
Speaker 1: saying in Frech Kids. You know, you actually having an
43:54
Speaker 1: incredibly boring time because it's not serving it. You're not happy,
43:57
Speaker 1: you're clearly it's not working for you, but you're not
44:00
Speaker 1: you know, you're not doing anything to be risky or
44:02
Speaker 1: be a risk taker or let go of it. And
44:04
Speaker 1: unfortunately it requires taking risks in order to see everything
44:09
Speaker 1: that life has to offer. It requires you taking that
44:13
Speaker 1: leap of faith. Refer to my first ever episode for
44:17
Speaker 1: you to actually see. Wow. Here, I was being so
44:20
Speaker 1: like almost disrespected, like disrespecting myself, thinking that I'm not
44:25
Speaker 1: capable of, you know, trying something different or experiencing something new,
44:30
Speaker 1: or succeeding in a different thing. All of you right
44:33
Speaker 1: now could quit the career you're doing. Whether you love
44:36
Speaker 1: it or not, it doesn't matter. All of you right
44:37
Speaker 1: now could quit the career you're doing and find incredible
44:40
Speaker 1: success in a career you've never even thought of. That's
44:43
Speaker 1: how versatile we are as people. All of you right
44:46
Speaker 1: now could leave the relationship you're in and in a
44:49
Speaker 1: relatively short amount of time either find another different love
44:52
Speaker 1: of your life or find the most incredible life being
44:56
Speaker 1: happy with no relationship. Right all of you now could
45:00
Speaker 1: find a brand new group of friends that are your
45:02
Speaker 1: people that you don't even know exist yet. That they
45:05
Speaker 1: could be at the next pottery class that you haven't
45:08
Speaker 1: yet gone to. They could be at that city that
45:11
Speaker 1: you keep saying you'd love to move to, but you
45:12
Speaker 1: make all these excuses as to why you haven't moved
45:14
Speaker 1: there yet. There is so fucking much on the other side,
45:19
Speaker 1: but one thing that you have to realize is until
45:21
Speaker 1: you let go, until you say I'm willing to shake
45:24
Speaker 1: that dead flesh from my old life step into the
45:29
Speaker 1: new skin, it's not going to happen, or if it
45:32
Speaker 1: does happen, it's by chance, and you need to be
45:35
Speaker 1: It's a numbers game. You need to be increasing the
45:39
Speaker 1: opportunities that come your way by changing your behavior, by
45:42
Speaker 1: changing your action, and by letting go of those things
45:44
Speaker 1: that aren't serving you. Now that you've identified what doesn't
45:48
Speaker 1: serve you, you've got to get clear on what you
45:51
Speaker 1: can do now with what you have. Stop holding on
45:55
Speaker 1: so tight to something that then sets yourself up for
45:58
Speaker 1: an even bigger fall, because that's what happens. When you
46:02
Speaker 1: are scared to let go of something, you are setting
46:04
Speaker 1: yourself up to fall hard. Instead of thinking I can
46:10
Speaker 1: identify something's not right here, I've tried. It's not me,
46:15
Speaker 1: you know, changing my language about this thing or being
46:17
Speaker 1: positive is not going to change it. I now know
46:19
Speaker 1: it's not working for me anymore. I've tried that. It's
46:21
Speaker 1: not fucking happening. Okay, I know it. So now what
46:24
Speaker 1: am I going to do about it? How long am
46:26
Speaker 1: I actually going to wait? And why? Why am I
46:29
Speaker 1: waiting for? What for? What? What are you fucking waiting for?
46:34
Speaker 1: If you're in an unhealthy relationship, an unhappy friendship group,
46:37
Speaker 1: what are you actually waiting for? And if you can't
46:40
Speaker 1: answer that question, today's the day that you need to
46:43
Speaker 1: start changing shit, okay, because you are all sitting on
46:48
Speaker 1: so much fucking potential. But potential means nothing if it's
46:51
Speaker 1: not actioned, if it's not realized, if you don't open
46:54
Speaker 1: that door and go down that road. Okay, the amount
46:57
Speaker 1: of people that write in that I I look at
47:00
Speaker 1: their situation and I think I know how you feel.
47:03
Speaker 1: I've been there, and it just takes a few difficult
47:06
Speaker 1: weeks or a few difficult months. But like the light
47:09
Speaker 1: at the end of the time was so much brighter
47:10
Speaker 1: than what you're seeing right now. You have no fucking
47:13
Speaker 1: idea what's out there available for you, but you can't
47:16
Speaker 1: attain it from where you are now. You have to
47:19
Speaker 1: let go of that thing, and I know you know
47:24
Speaker 1: what that thing is. You're thinking of that thing right
47:26
Speaker 1: now being like, yeah, fuck, fuck fuck, I've got a
47:29
Speaker 1: fucking let go of it. And another thing is that
47:32
Speaker 1: we are so scared to let go off things and
47:36
Speaker 1: we feel bad to let go of things like we are.
47:39
Speaker 1: We feel guilty to let go of things, but things
47:42
Speaker 1: and people let go of us all the fucking time, right,
47:47
Speaker 1: So you need to be a little bit more fucking
47:48
Speaker 1: ruthless or you're gonna be left behind like a fucking
47:51
Speaker 1: used tissue. You need to realize this is life. I
47:55
Speaker 1: have to look out for myself, okay. And it's not
47:59
Speaker 1: to say one's out to get me and I'm only
48:01
Speaker 1: looking out for myself, but I have to prioritize myself
48:04
Speaker 1: in a lot of things, and my inner circle and
48:05
Speaker 1: the people that mean the most to me, the people
48:07
Speaker 1: that serve me in my life, and that I serve them.
48:11
Speaker 1: But I've got to look out for this because so
48:13
Speaker 1: often we stay in situations just because we don't want
48:16
Speaker 1: to hurt someone's feelings or because we don't want to
48:18
Speaker 1: do the quote unquote wrong thing, or we feel guilty
48:21
Speaker 1: or we feel like we you know, but we fail
48:24
Speaker 1: to recognize all the times that people have, you know,
48:29
Speaker 1: let go of us or rejected us or discarded us.
48:33
Speaker 1: Not to remind you of this to be spiteful, but
48:36
Speaker 1: to remind you of this, to to be like a
48:40
Speaker 1: thing of thinking like that's just life. That's part of life. Like,
48:44
Speaker 1: why should I feel bad quitting a job when I've
48:48
Speaker 1: been up to like the final two and so many
48:51
Speaker 1: job interviews and not gotten the job, or I've been
48:53
Speaker 1: let go off or I've been fired, or you know,
48:55
Speaker 1: I've not been given the position that I wanted when
48:57
Speaker 1: I went for that promotion. Why do I feel bad?
49:01
Speaker 1: You know, finding people that treat me right when people
49:04
Speaker 1: are technically letting go of me by treating me like shit,
49:07
Speaker 1: they're just happy to be in my presence, right, So
49:10
Speaker 1: we we it's just life happens to us. It's okay
49:15
Speaker 1: for us to also exercise that right to let go
49:19
Speaker 1: of something that's not working for us. The amount of
49:21
Speaker 1: people that have let go of me because I didn't
49:22
Speaker 1: work for them, What am I going to do here?
49:24
Speaker 1: Fester and be like or realize, well, I didn't work
49:27
Speaker 1: for them, and that's fair. Now I'm going to do
49:32
Speaker 1: the same and get rid of things that don't work
49:33
Speaker 1: for me. Okay, And it starts by letting go. You're
49:37
Speaker 1: not going to get the new friendship group until you
49:38
Speaker 1: let go of the old because you're stuck in your
49:40
Speaker 1: old ways. You're stuck in your old thought patterns, and
49:43
Speaker 1: you're stuck in thinking that you're not capable, you're not worthy.
49:47
Speaker 1: When you break out of that cycle, everything changes, and
49:50
Speaker 1: most importantly, your relationship with your self changes. Your confidence changes,
49:54
Speaker 1: your self esteem changes. That is the biggest win, when
49:59
Speaker 1: you're let go of something and then everything else is
50:02
Speaker 1: just a bonus. Everything that comes your way to that
50:04
Speaker 1: is a bonus, and there'll be many bonuses that come
50:07
Speaker 1: your way when you finally are able to rip that
50:10
Speaker 1: bandaid off and make the change, all right. I really
50:13
Speaker 1: hope that this has resonated with you, guys. I got
50:15
Speaker 1: so passionate in this episode, but I just feel like
50:18
Speaker 1: I speak from so much experience personally with all these
50:22
Speaker 1: you know, letting go of things. I've had to let
50:24
Speaker 1: go of things that weren't working for me, and I've
50:26
Speaker 1: had to let go of things that had already let
50:28
Speaker 1: go of me, and I was just holding onto something
50:30
Speaker 1: that no longer was available for me anyway. So there's
50:33
Speaker 1: times that you're like you're letting go of something that
50:35
Speaker 1: is within your control, and there's also times that you're
50:37
Speaker 1: letting go of things that is not within your control.
50:39
Speaker 1: And you've got to learn to do both and when
50:41
Speaker 1: you do, things become attracted to you, things come your way.
50:46
Speaker 1: It's like you yeah, the horizon opens up. Anyway, I'm
50:51
Speaker 1: going to stop fucking talking smack, but love you guys
50:53
Speaker 1: so much. Thank you for tuning in, Please rate and
50:56
Speaker 1: review the podcast. Please share this episode with anyone who
50:59
Speaker 1: you think benefit from listening to it. And just a
51:01
Speaker 1: huge shout out to my global beans. I love how
51:04
Speaker 1: it's like literally spread across the world from you guys
51:06
Speaker 1: sharing it and through word of mouth. You're amazing. You're
51:09
Speaker 1: the best and I will fucker and talk to you
51:12
Speaker 1: in the next episode. Love you so much. As always,
51:14
Speaker 1: remember be can't to yourself, be can't to your brain.
51:16
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
51:19
Speaker 1: from yourself.
51:20
Speaker 2: Don't ca