Latest / Recovering Out Loud / Finding Peace in the Chaos: Joe’s Journey Through Trauma, Faith, and Recovery

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Finding Peace in the Chaos: Joe’s Journey Through Trauma, Faith, and Recovery · Recovering Out Loud

0:27
And I don't need people to tell me what to do because I'm bad at
0:30
listening to that, right? I mean, I, I do need it.
0:32
I need it but. Yes, but it's a suggestion and
0:35
have the patience with their journey.
0:38
Yeah, and there's, there's lots of journeys, right?
0:40
Yeah, I, I, but you learned the hard way.
0:42
I'm telling you, there's so many things with this, like it's
0:45
driving me nuts, the podcasting, but I, I love it and I'm
0:49
learning everyday about how to do this and how to do that.
0:52
And you know, watching a lot of videos, taking a lot of
0:53
direction because I, this isn't like something that I've grew up
0:57
doing or, you know, but I thought first I started this
1:01
podcast, I would say this, but I started this podcast to stay
1:04
sober myself, right? And I, I have to remember that
1:06
that that was goal number one. Good for you, because sure, I
1:11
can sit here and tell you till the cows come home that I'm
1:14
doing this for everybody else. And but if I like, if that's a
1:17
bonus of this and and it is, it's another reason why I
1:20
started doing this podcast was to get the message out to
1:23
people. But I have to, if I'm not sober,
1:26
and I'm sure you can, I can't do any of that, right?
1:29
I can't carry Nomad. I don't have a message to carry.
1:31
And you know what I'm seeing in that, what you just said right
1:34
there, I'm seeing someone who's staying humble and not needing
1:38
other people's. Validation, yeah.
1:41
Yeah, right. Yeah.
1:41
Whether one person watches, 20 people watch or 1000 people
1:45
watch, you're you're concentrating on your recovery.
1:48
That's why you're doing it. Yeah, that's amazing, bro.
1:50
I have to thank you. I have to remind myself though,
1:52
like constantly, because you chase those followers the likes
1:55
the fucking I can I can monetize this now like Oh my God, you
1:59
know, like maybe I can quit my job one day, right?
2:02
And all these things start to come into your head.
2:03
And sure it's possible, but a? 1000% is possible.
2:07
It's a lot of attraction, it's a lot of the universe.
2:09
If I teach a lot of this with my clients, if you could see it in
2:13
your mind, you could hold it in your hand.
2:15
It's just like a relapse. We won't see it in our minds.
2:17
All of a sudden we got in our hands.
2:18
So why not the dream life? Because it's not.
2:22
It's not feasible. Of course it's feasible.
2:23
That's why you see it. Yeah.
2:24
Relapse was never feasible in my mind, Yeah.
2:27
But if your higher power put something in your mind and you
2:30
could see it, practice that every day.
2:31
Don't practice it like it's in the future.
2:33
Practice it like it's now. You already monetized.
2:37
It just hasn't come into fruition yet.
2:38
Yeah, it's a lot of attraction. Brother, yeah, I love that.
2:41
I love that, Joe, thanks so much for coming down, brother.
2:45
I, I appreciate you, man. I, I, you know, I fell in love
2:47
with you already. But you know, it's funny, this
2:50
recovery thing we become, you know, it says in the literature
2:53
that we become fast friends, right?
2:55
We have a common problem and now we have a common solution,
3:00
right? And that's it.
3:01
You know, this, this alcoholism addiction thing does not
3:03
discriminate. I've met lawyers, I've met
3:06
homeless people in recovery. I've met fucking people that
3:09
live under the bridge, homeless. I've met people that are
3:12
doctors, right. And it's, you know, skin colours
3:14
all over creeds, religions. That's the beautiful thing about
3:18
this. It's like a, a group we would
3:19
normally not mix, you know, but we found a common solution where
3:23
it's like, you know, these are all suggestions like we were
3:26
talking about before, But my, I had a sponsor that would always
3:28
say to me, you know, these are all suggestions that I'm telling
3:32
you kind of like, you know, I suggest you taking a parachute
3:34
when you're jumping out of a helicopter, right, or an
3:37
airplane. Oh, I love that man.
3:39
Why don't you tell us, tell us a little bit about your story, you
3:43
know, how you ended up into in recovery and, and what that sort
3:47
of looked like before and after for you?
3:50
Before I'm I'm just going to do a quick recap of growing up, you
3:54
know, Italian background, Italian culture.
3:57
We started our journey. Christy Pitts ended up at Janice
4:00
Shepherd. My dad really didn't want me on
4:05
the streets a lot. Very, very young age.
4:08
He had me in hockey. I flourished there.
4:13
Soccer flourished there. You know, home life was OK, but
4:17
you know, you come from an Italian background, you're
4:20
always going to like what I've noticed in my journey is there's
4:23
a lot of narcissism in one parent.
4:26
I'm not saying all of them, but what I've seen on my journey and
4:30
you know, at a young age, it was always good wasn't good enough.
4:34
Perfect was good enough and even perfect at its flaws.
4:37
So at a very young age, if I wasn't perfect, I wasn't trying.
4:40
So I had to be perfect at everything, right?
4:42
And even when I did great, it just was never good enough.
4:45
So, you know, in along that journey, I was, I was introduced
4:50
to a neighbor where we had a quick connection at the at a
4:55
certain point, sexual abuse started at that.
4:58
And and it was just, it was, it was a very, very, very scary for
5:06
me. And just the way he had taken
5:12
advantage of me, this gentleman, and then going home and then
5:15
going back there. And I remember at a very young
5:18
age, I must have been 8 years old, our our fathers, the man
5:22
who was sexually abusing me, he was younger as well.
5:25
They're all watching a soccer game.
5:27
And he goes, come here, come here.
5:28
And he gives me this glass of wine and I sucked it, but he
5:32
goes, just drink your back. And man, oh man.
5:35
Like within like a minute or so, I was so numb that I wasn't
5:39
afraid anymore. He didn't scare me no more.
5:43
And so every time I had to go there, I'd go in my dad's
5:47
cantina and I'd grab a glass of wine and it was almost like I
5:51
knew, but I didn't know 'cause I was young, but I just knew it
5:53
made me feel good. What it was, I don't know.
5:54
I just know it made me feel good, right.
5:56
And with some work that I've been doing with people, because
6:00
it, what ended up happening was he, he just cut me off and I
6:04
felt like abandoned and stuff. And it's the weirdest thing,
6:07
right? And doing some work with, with
6:10
this lady that is working with me up at the center through the
6:14
nervous system regulation and stuff, which I didn't know,
6:17
right. And she says it was rejection
6:19
for you. And it followed rejection
6:22
followed me for a long period of time, which turned into people
6:25
pleasing, turned into everybody had to like me.
6:27
And if you didn't like me, like 10 people go like me.
6:29
If the one person didn't like me, that's the one I had to sell
6:31
my story to, right. And, you know, my, my mom, salt
6:37
of the earth, like just, you know, just taught us about God
6:42
and about Christ and about how much he loves us and all that
6:45
stuff. But, you know, in, in, in our
6:47
culture, it's always do bad, go to hell, do bad, go to hell.
6:52
At a young age, I was terrified of God, man.
6:55
I love Jesus, but I hated God. And I was trying to distinguish
6:58
the both of the young age, Right.
7:00
So, yeah. And you know what?
7:03
I got into organized crime at a young age.
7:07
I had enough of my dad in and around my draft year when my
7:11
friends are getting drafted to go to the O and the NHL and
7:14
stuff. I quit, but I'm done.
7:16
I'm done and I just started an organized crime lifestyle and it
7:21
spiraled for many years after that.
7:24
Wow. Thanks for sharing that.
7:26
I appreciate it. Yeah, this trauma theme comes up
7:30
a lot with addicts and Alcoholics, right?
7:32
But you mentioned something that was interesting.
7:34
There is like you carried that rejection thing your whole life,
7:37
right? What?
7:38
How does that show up today and how do you work on it?
7:42
Well, you know what? I'm learning a lot through
7:44
nervous system regulation. I work with a psychotherapist
7:47
personally, myself. The rejection part of it, it's,
7:53
it's, it's ongoing. It's gotten better, it's gotten
7:57
better with the spiritual journey of understanding that
8:01
we're all God's children. We're all not meant to be on
8:04
each other's paths forever. Today, I, I don't set my
8:08
boundaries like before where it had to be, take me, take me,
8:11
take me, take me, put me against a wall and then react and
8:15
protect myself, right? Because I don't want to be
8:17
rejected. Now it's more of, you know,
8:20
we're just not clicking and you're not understanding my
8:23
boundaries right now and you have to be put aside.
8:27
I love you, but I'm going to love you from a distance.
8:29
We don't all get along. We don't all have the same path,
8:31
right? Like my path towards my higher
8:34
power and what what he has in store for me has allowed me to
8:37
understand that when I'm rejected, it's themselves
8:43
rejecting themselves. It's almost that one points the
8:46
finger out when there's three pointing back.
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And I've always been caught in that, right.
8:50
So rejection is still something I work on, but I've gotten so
8:53
much better. And a lot has to do with
8:55
understanding the nervous system regulation.
8:58
So our fight, our flight, our freeze, our fawn, those are all
9:02
character, character defects and characteristics that we use to
9:05
protect ourselves at very young ages when the events happened to
9:10
I would have to say, if not all, most people in recovery.
9:15
Yeah, you mentioned fawn at the end there.
9:17
That's something I learned recently too.
9:18
My therapist is really good too, and she taught me the fawn, you
9:22
know, with regards to the nervous system regulation.
9:26
To me, the way I understand it, and correct me if I'm wrong, but
9:29
the the fawn is like you attach to to the sad thing.
9:33
So if I have, you know, drugs are in my life and they're
9:36
causing me a lot of problems and I can't stop doing cocaine, I
9:40
sort of attach myself to it and it becomes like my love almost,
9:44
and I love it. Is that am I understanding?
9:46
That yeah, we're people pleasing. 1 character is people
9:49
pleasing, right? Yeah, yeah.
9:51
So what kind of latching on to that person so that they'll
9:55
they'll. The person, the drug, we're
9:56
trying to please, we're trying to please to get pleased.
10:01
Codependent too, right? You know, if you love me, I need
10:04
you, Joe, to love me so that I can feel OK.
10:06
Yeah, you know, in my own skin. I love that.
10:08
Yeah. That was what he was described
10:10
to me and I, I really related with that.
10:12
I want to talk about spirituality, faith, God, higher
10:15
power. There's so many ways we can go
10:18
with this one, but I think people in my experience, hear
10:23
the word God and they run the other way, right?
10:25
Because of whatever their upbringing or this is a
10:28
religion, Like I don't want to be a part of a cult, but all
10:30
this bullshit, right? And you know, there's a huge
10:33
difference I've learned between spirituality and religion,
10:36
right? So what is?
10:37
What does faith mean to you today?
10:39
Well, I like what you said, how the difference between religion
10:41
and spirit and spirituality, right.
10:43
So for me, religion is a man made thing.
10:47
It's a business. Christ, like Christ, is my
10:51
higher power. And Christ said it.
10:53
You don't need to go to a temple to worship me.
10:56
You know, a lot of people go to church on Sundays and as soon as
10:58
they leave, they judge the world.
11:01
You know, there's a message at the churches as well.
11:04
I'm not, I'm not going to disrespect it in, in any way.
11:07
That's their belief system and, and, and great for you.
11:10
But I do use a lot of the church and analogies to understand,
11:13
make people understand what we've been through because what
11:16
I believe is addiction is in it is in every single human being
11:19
put on this earth because higher power, God, universe gave us
11:23
free will, right? For me, I believe that out of
11:29
all the addictions, the alcoholic and the drug addict,
11:34
believe this or not, I believe that the chosen ones, I believe
11:36
we were the ones sent here and at a very young age, that evil
11:40
entity, that evil entity that, you know, almost like you're
11:43
watching a cartoon and there's the the good guy and the bad
11:46
guy, right? And where do we go?
11:47
We always go with the bad guy, right?
11:49
So at the beginning of any cartoon, you do that bad thing
11:52
your stomach's telling you not to do, not to do.
11:54
And this guy's there saying just do it, Just do it.
11:56
You get away with it and then every time you watch some
12:00
something like that as a young age, you notice at the end they
12:03
end up being honest about what they've done, you know, and and
12:06
and they make good on what they've done.
12:08
And then the Angel comes and says, you know, good for you.
12:10
For me, it's that simple, A spiritual journey, you know,
12:14
feel what's coming in you feel what's coming in you.
12:17
I am not here to to fix the world.
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I'm here to fix myself so the world can relate to what I'm
12:26
doing. What I'm doing is what I've been
12:29
told by faith. Be a good person, unconditional
12:32
love. Understand that just because I
12:34
don't know you doesn't mean I don't love you.
12:37
One thing about recovery for me is in the rooms of recovery is I
12:42
share this a lot when I do a lot of speaking engagements.
12:44
I don't even know you and I love you and you're still out there
12:48
using drugs and alcohol and I know I don't know you, but I
12:51
love you because me and you are the same.
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And I'm going to go back to what I mean by the chosen ones.
12:56
A lot of people let's we're going to use the Catholic
12:58
religion, right? Christ saved the disciples.
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The disciples were Alcoholics. One was Matthew was in layman's
13:08
terms on on our nowadays. He was a collector.
13:12
He collected money right. Then you had Mary Magdalene.
13:15
She was a hooker, prostitute. You had thieves, you had people
13:20
that were so broken from society, they were just shunned.
13:23
And what did Christ do? He took them and showed them the
13:27
way. Now I'm just talking Christ
13:29
because it's my higher power. But spirituality in general is
13:32
like that. I don't judge a drug addict,
13:36
whether you're on the street as, as a homeless person or you're
13:40
in an office as a lawyer. I, I don't judge those people
13:44
because I am those people. And that pain that we live with
13:49
is there's not many people that don't suffer with alcohol and
13:53
drug addiction that would ever understand because it's our
13:56
pain. But then I pick up on your pain
13:59
and how do I help you release that pain?
14:02
By working on my pain. And then we connect, right.
14:06
And in, in, in the rooms of recovery.
14:08
It's instant family. We don't all get along, but
14:11
we're instant family. Like anybody could call me in
14:13
recovery. We might not got along.
14:15
We might have skipped and, and fallen out of our journeys.
14:18
But if they call me saying I'm suffering, I'm, I'm going to be
14:23
there because that's a human being and that's a child of the
14:27
universe, child of God, child of light, whatever it is that you
14:31
want to connect to. And that's one thing I think
14:35
that separates religion from spirituality.
14:37
I, I believe I, my personal experience, I'm judged the most
14:41
by people in religion when I've fallen along my journey.
14:45
Like, you know what? It's easy to, to, to support
14:49
someone on a journey of recovery.
14:50
That's getting to the gym, that's reading, that's doing
14:53
great podcasts like yourself. It's easy to support that
14:57
person. But the true testament of
15:00
unconditional love is when that person falls down.
15:04
And instead of saying you should, you know, you're not
15:06
supposed to do that. Well, thank you.
15:08
Of course, I know I'm not supposed to do that.
15:10
That's where that's where the the love comes.
15:13
How do I support someone that I can't agree with what they're
15:16
doing and not understanding that they have no power to stop once
15:21
they're in? Like it's easy to support
15:23
somebody that's going to recovery.
15:24
I love that you, you said a lot of good stuff there.
15:27
I found that to be especially true, You know, in my last
15:30
relapse with my, with my wife, right, Everybody, you know, she
15:36
was there in the worst moments, you know, and I, I put that
15:39
woman throughout, right? And it was a true testament of
15:42
her character. And also, you know, it helped
15:44
that she was able to see what I looked like in recovery and
15:48
working on myself and that this was just like a, a, you know,
15:51
another Rd. a bump in the road, right, Albeit at the time it
15:54
seemed like a mountain, right, Because, you know, we, we drag
15:58
people through the mud, as I always say.
16:01
I, I also really liked what you said about changing ourselves
16:06
and not changing the world. I spent a lot of time being and
16:09
I still do today. I can be this guy that this, I,
16:12
I've heard this before the sheriff of the universe, right?
16:16
You know. The director.
16:17
Yeah, the director, you're not doing it.
16:19
You know, that's not how you drive.
16:20
You're not doing it right. This is the way blah, blah,
16:22
blah, blah, blah, right. And it's like, dude, you know,
16:24
I, I can Simply put it as as simple as this.
16:26
I heard this recently. It was like that person, if
16:29
someone pisses me off, someone does something I don't like, or
16:32
somebody can't stop using drugs or alcohol in my life, it's
16:35
like, you know, right now that person is simply not living in
16:40
the way I would prefer. You know, they're, they're
16:42
simply not living in the way I would prefer, right?
16:45
Whenever I have an opinion on something, you know, 'cause I
16:47
have a lot of opinions on things, you should be doing it
16:50
this way. You should be doing it that way,
16:51
right? So I have to change myself And,
16:55
and you said I, I need to like get other people to kind of see
17:00
what I'm doing and relate to me, right?
17:02
I, I really like that. You know, what was early
17:05
recovery like for you and how did you navigate that?
17:08
How did you get through that 'cause I know that, you know,
17:10
the first bit for anybody can be really tough.
17:15
The early bits of recovery was me.
17:20
It was. It was just some time where I
17:25
knew that something was just completely wrong because it was
17:29
fun at the very beginning, man, it was fun like escaping
17:35
reality, not a care in the world, going to the clubs,
17:41
vacations, you know, you know, living a certain lifestyle.
17:45
Money is just no object type of thing.
17:48
And something started happening where at night, sorry, not at
17:54
night, the next morning when I wake up, I'm like, please, God,
17:57
please, like just I want to stop.
17:59
Like I want to stop. I can't do this every day.
18:02
And my, you know, my mom being hurt by it and I'm like, I swear
18:05
to God, you know, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.
18:08
And then 2-3 days later, right back to the cycle and it's like
18:11
I'm here again, right? And I was angry.
18:15
I got it those times too, man. So when I would hear him, I'd be
18:17
like, just leave me alone, man. Like you didn't, you didn't save
18:21
me. Well, I'm going to save myself.
18:23
And so as, as time kept going, I found it where it was like every
18:27
time I was waking up, it was like, please, just help me.
18:30
Please. If you're out there, just help
18:32
me, please. And you know what, Like now
18:35
when, when my higher power communicates to me, 'cause he
18:38
don't talk to me, but he communicates to me like he'll
18:42
put a stop sign with flashing lights in front of it.
18:44
And nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
18:47
So if I'm feeling a certain way and I've seen a freaking stop
18:49
sign with flashing on it, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm listening to my
18:54
higher pinks going the other direction, right?
18:56
So in early recovery, I went to the the rooms of recovery,
19:02
'cause I just, I didn't want to use every day anymore.
19:05
Just get me to Friday. Yeah, just get me to Friday.
19:07
That's what my sick mind I. Want that old lifestyle back
19:10
where I was able to control I want.
19:11
The fun back, right? Yeah.
19:13
And like far from it, because once that evil entity was just
19:18
had all the power, you know, the world, I guess understands is
19:22
that the as the devil? I, I just understand it as the
19:25
deep, deep rooted just pain and shame and guilt, remorse and all
19:30
that stuff that every time I was sober, he was telling me, that's
19:33
why you need this, That's why you need this.
19:35
So when I went to the first time in the rooms of recovery, that's
19:37
what I was doing. I was doing it for that.
19:40
And you know, Fast forward a couple years after 2012,
19:44
thirteen, when I first got in the rooms, I ended up in
19:47
treatment 2016, you know, broken marriage.
19:51
I tried to leave the marriage two or three times, not because
19:56
she was a bad person or I was a bad person.
19:58
I decided to stop living a life and both of us just couldn't,
20:02
you know, we, we couldn't, we weren't compatible, right?
20:07
And you know, then I just, I finally, just, you know, certain
20:11
things happen. I'm not going to get into her
20:13
business. But I fell hard and hard, like
20:18
probably the worst I've ever felt ever.
20:20
And then I ended up in treatment.
20:24
And for the first, I think it was 7 or 8 days, bro, I couldn't
20:27
get a word out, man. It was just tears and tears and
20:32
tears. And I had this one counselor, he
20:35
came up to me one day. He goes, come, come.
20:37
And I love how like when God communicated, just something
20:41
happened. So he brought me on the side and
20:43
there's this beautiful field and he's like, listen, man, you're a
20:46
good guy. But if you're going to cry every
20:48
day for 30 days, you're going to leave here and.
20:50
Go right back to using that. Whatever that pain is, start
20:53
using it as a strength. It's Friday today.
20:56
By the by the time I get back here on Monday, just tell me
20:59
you've even spoke to people. Just show me you've read a
21:02
couple pages. I don't know what the I don't
21:04
know what happened, bro. All I well, I do know what
21:06
happened. He gave me the power and, and I
21:11
took it and I went with it. And man, oh man.
21:15
Like I was talking to people, reading, writing.
21:19
Like within three days I, I went to the gym two or three times a
21:21
day. There was a huge shift.
21:23
Mindset shift yeah, I love that. Yeah, I I agree 100% The, you
21:30
know, my higher power, my God, I choose to call it God because
21:32
it's easier, you know, plain and simple, right.
21:35
It's not this bearded guy in the sky And and that's me.
21:38
It's it's this force, this inner teacher.
21:41
A lot of people get scared about it, right.
21:43
But it's it doesn't have to be what I say it's whatever, you
21:46
know, it's just not me today, right?
21:48
It's not me. He communicates to other people.
21:51
And that was a perfect example there where, you know, the
21:55
universe, this force is coming to you and saying, Joe, you got
21:58
to change something here, right? Something's got to give.
22:00
Something's got to change. And it just came in the form of
22:02
a counselor at that time, right? I can.
22:04
Oh, I love that. Yeah.
22:05
I can name. I can give you a book of times
22:07
where people have showed up in my life.
22:09
And at the time, you don't see it like that, right?
22:11
You're just like, oh, this fucking guy is just, you know,
22:13
wants his job to be easier. But, you know, it's it's a
22:15
message from the universe. It's a sign.
22:17
Whatever you said, the red flashing lights, like.
22:19
Yeah, if you keep going in this direction, you're going to end
22:22
up right back. Where?
22:23
And and that scared the shit out of me because every time I've
22:26
relapsed, it's always gotten worse.
22:28
Without a doubt, no matter what, I've always picked up where I
22:31
left off. You know, I was doing new drugs.
22:33
I introduced new things into my into my arsenal.
22:37
I hung out with new people. You know, I got closer to the
22:39
fentanyl than I needed to be, right That, you know, closer to
22:42
death than I needed to be. Why do you think to you today?
22:47
You touched on it a little bit, but why is why is faith so
22:50
important? Why is spirituality so important
22:52
in recovery? Because it's the thing we feared
23:00
the most when we were in active addiction.
23:03
You, you said something before, and I really liked what you
23:05
said. How you know everybody's as soon
23:07
as they hear the word God, they run because the evil has so much
23:11
power over you. Our souls really know that's the
23:15
answer. And as active addiction and even
23:21
has sometimes having a hard time in recovery.
23:23
We run from God because he's got more power over us.
23:27
Call it your will, call it an evil entity, call it the devil.
23:30
Call the devil of addiction. It's common.
23:33
So wherever there's light, you know, they've done they've done
23:38
a great job to say as soon as you hear the word God.
23:40
And, and, and I empathize with people who hear the word God,
23:44
especially like in the Roman Catholic thing where it's gotten
23:46
such a bad name of certain little things that have
23:49
happened, which are very bad things.
23:51
But you know, the Roman Catholic Church has done what it's done.
23:54
Again, it's a religion, man made none of my business.
24:00
But yeah, you know what? I forgot the question.
24:03
That's OK. I, I, I, I like, you know, I, I,
24:09
I should have given you time to respond to what I was saying.
24:11
But don't worry. I mean, at the end of the day,
24:16
why is it like I came into recovery and every single person
24:21
had a higher power that was had clean time and had a lot of
24:24
time, right? And was happy, You know, like,
24:27
why are you so happy, right? Because they had this this
24:30
higher power in their life. Why is it so important that we
24:32
get spirituality, get a higher power?
24:34
Thank you very much. So because it's the trueness of
24:38
us. It's it's it's us trying to
24:42
recover the child. The child that is.
24:44
I love that. Yeah.
24:45
A child is free before it's programmed by society, Right.
24:49
I mean, like, I'm 49 years old. I'm probably one of the biggest
24:51
kids you'll ever meet. And because I do my best to
24:56
enjoy life, I do my best to not get caught up in the whole, like
25:02
you said it before, don't, don't tell me what to do all the time
25:04
because I'm going to go the different direction.
25:07
Like I just met you and I could tell one thing about you.
25:11
You have a pure heart. Your soul is beautiful and real.
25:15
And that's where that that's where that entity doesn't want
25:18
us to be. So that's for me, that's where
25:22
spirituality, spirituality is being open, free, loving, kind,
25:27
understanding towards anyone of God's universe's creatures
25:33
because we're all here. We're all here.
25:37
We're all spiritual beings having a human experience and
25:41
we're all doing our very best. Now, like you were saying, I
25:44
could, I could right away tell everybody how to write their
25:47
scripts. You know, I think a lot of
25:49
people, including myself, because I still have to do that
25:52
work every day. If I'm judging someone, then I'm
25:57
lacking something in me that I haven't worked on yet.
26:00
And as the journey continues, I get caught up in that whole
26:03
stuff too. I was having a conversation with
26:05
someone this morning and I was liking my piece is my piece.
26:08
And if you're going to keep these people in your life, and I
26:11
don't want nothing to do with that because my piece is
26:13
important to me and my piece, no one's allowed to come and take
26:15
pieces of it anymore. But I'm putting this on someone
26:17
else. This has nothing to do with them
26:21
because they're close to me. My fear of losing them,
26:23
rejection is, is almost like selling a story because I want
26:28
what I want. That's not spirituality, Joe
26:31
Spirituality is saying This is why I choose to live this way.
26:35
And I hope that you come on the journey with me.
26:37
And if you don't, I'm still going to love you.
26:39
And if you need me, I'm still going to be here when you need.
26:43
It's simplified, right? It's not always easy, but like
26:47
the program says, the program is simple.
26:49
It's not easy. Choose your heart, right?
26:52
Like staying in active addiction is hard.
26:54
So staying in recovery, we have to choose our heart.
26:57
Going to the gym is hard. Staying home and eating Donuts
27:00
all day is hard. Choose your heart.
27:02
Staying in an unhealthy relationship is hard.
27:04
Staying in a healthy relationship is hard too.
27:06
It's work. They're both work.
27:08
We just get to as people that become more spiritually fit, we
27:15
start to understand that spiritual journeys are not the
27:18
rainbows, spiritual journeys are the storms.
27:21
We just learned how to navigate ourselves through the storm
27:24
instead of sitting in it like we would in active addiction.
27:28
Everything's. OK, 'cause you know what, it's
27:30
not raining on me, so give me another head, give me another
27:33
beer, give me another vodka, right?
27:34
It's like. Or it'll get.
27:36
Back how am I getting out of here?
27:37
Well, there's light, the lights over there.
27:39
So that's where the the gift of the spiritual journey is, right.
27:43
But a a man said this so beautiful one time he goes
27:47
celebrate the top of the mountain when you get there.
27:50
But remember one thing as soon as you turn around, you're at
27:53
the bottom of the next. Yeah, it's life, it's a journey.
27:56
It's beautiful. Everything has an end, right?
27:59
Every day has an end. You know, this too Shall pass is
28:02
another one that I think of when I, you know, and it goes for the
28:06
good stuff too. When things are going really
28:08
well, like this is eventually going to pass, buddy, you know,
28:11
enjoy it. Exactly.
28:12
Be grateful that it even showed up in the 1st place.
28:15
Yeah. Yeah, I think about too.
28:18
I talked with somebody on this podcast about, you know, he had
28:20
lost, he had lost his husband and he had a lot of grief about
28:26
it. And he, he brought up something
28:28
that, you know, they, they teach in grief training.
28:31
And I'm sure you've maybe dealt with, with this before, cause
28:34
grief is everywhere, right? But it's like, you know, you
28:37
lost something and you're very emotional about it and you're
28:40
very, it's really affecting your life everyday.
28:43
You can't stop thinking about it.
28:44
This grief is sort of surrounding you at all.
28:46
Everywhere you go, you're being reminded of this person.
28:49
He, he taught me that I should be grateful that I even had that
28:54
relationship in the 1st place, right?
28:55
The reason I'm feeling this way and so upset and hurt and sad
29:00
about this is because I had so many good memories with this
29:03
person. Not everybody gets that, right?
29:06
And I should be grateful that I even had the experience in the
29:09
1st place, right? So it's a little bit of a mind
29:11
shift, right? Oh, grief, right.
29:13
Grief's the process grief like for me, I'm, I'm a strong
29:17
believer the, the 12 steps is not, it's not just for alcohol
29:23
and drug addicts. It's such a beautiful journey to
29:25
take those 12 steps because it's all inner work.
29:29
It's all inner work. And I love what the man said
29:31
and, and you know, like growing up in a Catholic home, death was
29:35
final. It was final.
29:38
It was like, Oh my God, what do we do now?
29:40
What do we do now? What I'm really loving to see
29:44
and respecting so much what people are doing is this
29:46
celebration of life. Yeah, I love it so much.
29:49
It's a. Lot better than Italian
29:50
funerals. You know what I mean?
29:51
Like it's like if you don't. Suffer.
29:54
That means you didn't love them. Yeah, No, because the truth
29:58
like, I don't know, that's just my.
30:00
No, I, I agree. You know, I've, I've been to
30:02
both. I've been to the celebration of
30:03
life and I've been to the funeral and it's like there was
30:07
a lot of good here, you know, Let's, let's talk about the good
30:09
times and the memories that told you that.
30:11
Person. Yeah, I know.
30:12
You show some respect. Yeah, yeah.
30:16
Oh, man. It's it's true, though.
30:18
I mean, it's, you know, I should be happy that I I had that in
30:21
the 1st place. Yeah.
30:23
What sort of daily hap like what is what is a a good day in
30:26
recovery look like for you? And I don't mean external
30:28
things, but like, Joe wakes up in the morning and I've had a a
30:32
good. What are your dailies?
30:33
I love that question, brother. That's so awesome.
30:37
My daily thing is my daily routine is, and I'm not 100% at
30:42
this, but close enough. I wake up, say my prayers.
30:48
So I hit my knees, I say my prayers, I do a little
30:52
meditation. I write three things I'm
30:54
grateful for. Nice.
30:56
And I get right to the gym, I get right to the gym, I get it
31:00
out majority of the week. I take my dog for a nice nature
31:05
walk, get home, make sure whoever's at home like with my
31:14
partner now as well. We started where every morning
31:17
we give ourselves three things we're grateful for in a text
31:19
message. That's.
31:20
Great and she came up with and I friggin love it because I'm
31:22
like, I got to write my grateful and now I got more things to be
31:25
grateful for and people need to understand that shift is a mind
31:27
shift. So I'm just going to go along.
31:29
And then so I don't really, I do a lot of fruit, fruit fasting
31:35
stuff stuff nowadays. So I don't really eat till like
31:38
the afternoon probably around like 5 or 6.
31:42
I go, I go to work. I love what I do.
31:45
I love what I do. It doesn't always work out the
31:48
way I want it. But you know what man, when I
31:52
see the aha moment, man, you know, I don't hold back my
31:55
tears. You know, a lot of a lot of you
31:58
know, in the certain industry, they always say, you know, you
32:00
never show your emotions. I can't say I can't.
32:04
What do you want? But like, I'm going to give the
32:05
guy a hug. I'm going to give the person a
32:07
hug and say how proud I am. Be proud of yourself because
32:10
this is not the easiest journey, but it's very rewarding.
32:15
Just to clarify, you're in the recovery space, you're working
32:17
with new addicts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:20
And that's about it. I get, I get to as many meetings
32:22
as possible and I just, I connect with a lot of people in
32:27
recovery throughout the day, maybe 3 or 4 people throughout
32:29
the day, send my Home group a couple messages.
32:33
So whenever I can. And yeah, make sure to, to have
32:37
a small little conversation with my kids when they're with me and
32:41
when I get to see them, it's, it's, it's nice being present
32:45
for the, for the kids and I get to see my mom and my mom, she's
32:49
so happy to see the journey I'm on.
32:51
And you know, old school Italian, you know, if you're
32:53
happy, I'm happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:56
That's beautiful, man. I heard a lot of connection in
32:59
there, you know, and I didn't hear anything about your phone.
33:02
So that was good. I'm, I'm working on that.
33:06
You know, that's, that's one of those things where it's like
33:08
such an easy, quick connection, dopamine connection, right?
33:12
And it's tough, but you, you know, getting outside is, is
33:15
another good form of meditation for me too.
33:18
For a while I was doing a zoom meeting that was a meditation
33:20
meeting and it was great. You know, I got to get back into
33:23
that. But before I start my day, I
33:25
think that morning time is so important, right, where we're
33:27
kind of connecting with God, like you said.
33:29
I, I definitely, the one thing that hasn't changed for me is
33:31
the prayers, right? And for me, I'm not reciting any
33:36
specific prayers. It's, it's mainly along the
33:38
lines of like, help me do the next right thing today.
33:40
Help guide me through the day, help me get out of my own way,
33:45
help me get out of myself, help me practice humility, like just
33:48
whatever's coming up in my life. And, you know, be honest.
33:50
That's another one too, that I struggle with is like, help me
33:53
be authentic and honest, you know, because if I'm authentic
33:56
and honest today, everything's gonna be OK, right?
33:59
Things gonna gonna happen. Life's gonna fuck me over and
34:01
shit's gonna happen. But you know, like you said,
34:05
when you're sober and you have the tool kit that you have, you
34:09
can get through anything in life.
34:10
You know, and I've seen that. I, I've seen there's people that
34:13
have been a testament to that getting through cancer and, you
34:16
know, all sorts of terrible, terrible things, grief and loss
34:19
and doing it sober. So it is possible.
34:24
Absolutely it's possible. What is the, what is your
34:28
support circle look like with your loved ones and what do you
34:32
see a successful support circle looking like with the people
34:36
that you work with too? And you know, 'cause I'm sure
34:38
you see a lot of that, like really supportive families and
34:41
not supportive families. I mean, that's been my
34:43
experience in treatment centres. I'm going to be very honest
34:48
here, OK, please. And I'm being complete.
34:52
Like I always try to be as honest as possible without
34:54
hurting people, but honesty and truth usually ends up hurting
34:57
some people I don't see, including myself.
35:02
Which my family absolutely loves me.
35:04
I know that they will go to bat for me in a second.
35:06
But I didn't know how to stop. I didn't know how to stop using
35:12
drugs and alcohol because drugs and alcohol were my solution to
35:16
my addiction, right? So I went to the 12 steps.
35:19
I took a spiritual journey. I, I, I went the self discovery
35:23
that I follow along the journey. Yes.
35:25
Where was most of the judgement from the support people that I
35:28
had in my life? Shame, shame, shame.
35:30
Are they doing it purposely? Absolutely not.
35:33
They don't. Their minds are programmed where
35:36
if I do this, he'll stop not understanding that I'll keep
35:40
going. So I don't find many again,
35:42
there are there are good supports out there.
35:45
I find that when your when your community, whether it's a
35:49
family, but the community does individual work on themselves
35:56
and stops like, you know, support the beautiful recovery
36:01
journey until they fall when they fall, let's pronounce
36:03
because we don't work on our stuff, but we don't have nothing
36:05
to work on. It's a lot of it is put on to
36:08
the alcoholic and the drug addict because we're the front
36:10
page of the newspaper, right. So it's very hard to find
36:14
unconditional support, like you said about your wife, like going
36:16
through hell with you. It's not easy to find humans
36:21
that that will self discover themselves instead of just
36:29
sitting there pointing the finger at us.
36:30
So I find a lot of people in in alcoholic and drug addiction
36:35
recovery have a hard time finding true unconditional
36:39
support when it's getting hard when they're trying to set
36:43
healthy boundaries that we're only taught from our sponsors
36:47
and people in the community. Because for so long, our
36:50
communities, we lived in our environments, our families,
36:52
we're so used to the almost like how we're program, like I'm
36:57
going to fix everybody else. Everybody's trying to fix
36:59
everybody else, right? So one prayer that I, I never
37:04
stopped doing is God show the ones that are trying to support
37:07
us, the light like you showed us, because they deserve it just
37:11
as much as us, right? So I just try to teach people to
37:17
set healthy boundaries. I try to teach families to set
37:19
healthy boundaries. If you, if you're having a hard
37:22
time understanding that there's Al Anon, there's Naranan,
37:24
there's psychotherapist, there's, I don't know, church
37:28
gatherings there, there, there's a solution everywhere.
37:31
But you know, the opposite of addiction is connection.
37:34
We crave a connection. That's why we connect to that
37:38
because we couldn't survive in the environments we're in, not
37:41
because the people are evil people.
37:44
We grew up, we're great people because of the people that that
37:49
gave us life. They have great hearts.
37:53
They were programming the different generation than the
37:55
one we're breaking today. Where we're we're, we're doing
37:59
our best to wear our hearts on our sleeve where so many times
38:01
it was told, don't do this, don't do this, don't do that.
38:04
So to find good, good supports in family dynamics.
38:11
And this is just my opinion. It, it's, it's not easy.
38:14
A lot of people leave treatment, go back home and they relapse.
38:17
They're going to the same environment.
38:18
People think people coming home from a, from a, an addiction
38:21
center are cured, yet they're going right back to the place
38:25
that, and again, it's not just the, it's just everybody.
38:28
You know, you keep 5 drug addicts around you, you're going
38:31
to be the 6th. You keep 5 spiritual round
38:33
spiritual people around, you're going to be the 6th.
38:35
So it's set your healthy boundaries and lead by example
38:40
because it's hard for us to, to change and, and learn the
38:44
trueness of what we really know is to be true when we're, when
38:47
we go to these addiction centers and the 12 steps, which is be
38:50
your true authentic self. It's hard when I'm trying to
38:53
survive, I'm trying to survive. So support systems, definitely
38:58
my own opinion on it is support systems don't do the work for
39:04
the addict or the alcoholic or the drug addict or the alcohol.
39:07
Do the work for yourself and our journeys are not quick fixes
39:11
like doctors give us medications or drugs give us instant
39:15
gratification. Our journeys are one step at a
39:17
time. Understanding I just made a
39:19
mistake, only my mistake and slowly going through it.
39:22
There's a process in our journey.
39:24
It doesn't happen overnight. And us as drug acts as
39:27
Alcoholics. It's not even today.
39:30
Today's already too late. I wanted it yesterday and I get
39:32
angry. If you could relate to that, I
39:34
hope I answered your. Question.
39:35
No, you did. That was beautiful and I'm, I
39:38
appreciate you being honest about it because my, you know,
39:41
my therapist, she's in recovery as well.
39:43
She says without a doubt every day, every time I talk to her,
39:46
not every day. I don't talk to her every day,
39:48
but that'd be expensive. She, she would pick up though,
39:53
if I called her because she's a good woman.
39:54
But she says the, the, the biggest struggle she has is
39:58
getting families to go to Al Anon.
39:59
That is the biggest she she preaches it on everybody because
40:03
just like you said, there's an answer for us.
40:06
And there's also an answer for them too, right?
40:08
And yeah, I it's tough because how you don't, I, I don't hold a
40:14
lot of credibility coming out of treatment.
40:16
You know I, I don't, I don't, you know I don't.
40:18
I can't start telling people what to.
40:20
I still today, today I try. Not to tell people.
40:23
I try not to tell people what to do, but you know, I I I it's
40:27
hard to come from treatment or, you know, relapse or whatever
40:30
and be like, you know, you should go to Al Anon right, or
40:32
you should work on yourself mom, like that doesn't go over very
40:35
well. The fuck are you?
40:37
Damn, yeah. You know what you put me
40:38
through. I'm reminded often by my life of
40:41
what I put her through and I and it you know it's they're on
40:43
their own healing journey. So to your point, all I can do
40:47
is change myself, right? A spiritual awakening.
40:49
One of my favorite definitions in the literature is my, you
40:53
know, spiritual awakening is a profound alteration in my
40:57
reaction to life. And I love that.
40:59
I wake up in the morning and I'm in addiction.
41:02
This guy fucked me over. This guy did this.
41:04
Don't you know, I'd be successful if this wasn't
41:07
happening, right? And when I get sober in
41:10
recovery, it's like I'm just, the world's not changing.
41:12
Like you said, the world is not changing.
41:14
Anthony's changing, Joe's changing.
41:15
Oh, maybe this is happening to me so that I can grow, or maybe
41:20
this is happening for me and not to me, right.
41:22
These little mind shifts, mindset shifts where I'm just
41:25
like, maybe the glass is half full instead of half empty.
41:29
You know, it's, it's, that's, that's all recovery is.
41:31
And that when I first started this podcast, another thing, I,
41:34
I originally wanted to call it some sort of variation of
41:38
altered perception. Hmm, right.
41:41
Because I, and, but that sounds like too much like using drugs.
41:44
But we come in, we come into recovery and we get a shift in
41:48
perception, right? It's, it's a perception, a
41:50
disease of perception. We get this, this shift in the
41:53
way we look at the world. And that's what I, I try to do
41:55
everyday is like, if you're listening to this and you're,
41:58
you know, you have a loved one, because I do.
42:00
I, we get a lot of, I get a lot of moms and I talk to a lot of
42:04
loved ones in recovery, right? And I did an episode with a dad
42:08
that's has two daughters in, in one in recovery and one in
42:12
addiction. And he did a great job.
42:13
I'm gonna have him back on here. And he's, he's great.
42:17
I got a lot of messages from that one where people were like,
42:19
man, that you, you know, you made me think of something
42:21
differently, right? And that's all I'm trying to do
42:23
here is like, huh, maybe I should try that, right.
42:26
And to your point, it's like, huh, maybe I'm gonna work on
42:29
myself a little bit instead of trying to change my loved one
42:32
because you can't fucking change them.
42:34
No, can anyone change you? Right.
42:35
They I'm sure they tried. Not even God has the power of
42:38
changing me unless I go to Him. Yeah.
42:41
Yeah, but you have to do the groundwork.
42:43
Yeah, like you said, Absolutely. Yeah.
42:47
How do you carry the message of recovery today, Joe?
42:52
Treat others as you want to be treated.
42:59
Just treat the world as you did when you were a child and your
43:07
life will always be beautiful. Because I'll see children.
43:11
Look at a kid and say why are you fat?
43:14
An adult will look at that like what the hell are you doing?
43:19
But the child means nothing from that.
43:21
Nothing at all. A child will push somebody,
43:26
they'll push them back 3 minutes later they'll be best friends
43:30
like nothing happened because they have such light in them.
43:33
Because the programming has not got in them yet.
43:38
Just be your true authentic self always.
43:41
If you deep down inside know you're about to react to
43:44
something that's going to hurt somebody, just don't do it.
43:48
Practicing, I'm sorry, preaching, not always
43:52
practicing. That's why I love our step 10,
43:54
you know, make that daily inventory.
43:56
Because we are not perfect beings, never will be.
43:59
We are broke. We are human beings having a
44:01
spiritual, I'm sorry, spiritual beings having a human
44:03
experience. Just be your true authentic
44:05
self. Be the child that that you
44:08
crave, that you crave, like be the child you wish you could be
44:13
again. Just be that man Be that.
44:15
It's so fun to. Screw being an adult, like be
44:17
responsible, do what you got to do like go to work.
44:20
I'm not saying go play all the time, but find the time to go
44:26
out and play. Get off of your devices.
44:29
Don't worry about the Candy Crush and the social media
44:32
that'll be there after preaching.
44:34
Not always practicing 'cause I get caught up in why didn't that
44:37
person like myself. Yeah, Yeah, right.
44:39
Just search for the child because that's, I think that's
44:43
the journey of life is searching for that child in US.
44:46
Yeah. Just be the child in you.
44:48
Yeah. I've heard that before and it's,
44:49
it's so true. It's like, you know, just take
44:53
it. Anytime I even the elevator ride
44:55
on the way down from my condo on the way here today, I I always
44:59
notice children because yeah, they fascinate me, right?
45:01
It's like, and I was this kid just no worries in the world,
45:05
right? He's just thinking about the
45:06
next. He's present, he's fully
45:08
present. And if I could be a 10th of that
45:11
in my day where it's just like, you know, he wait, what's the
45:14
highest floor in the elevator? Like that's what he was worried
45:16
about, right? He was worried about like how
45:17
many floors are in the building? And it's like, yes, like, but I
45:22
don't I don't notice those things unless I notice them,
45:24
right. And I noticed it today because
45:26
I'm working on myself and I'm, you know, that's, that's the
45:28
kind of man I want to be, right? Just somebody that's always
45:30
improving. You mentioned the, the daily
45:32
inventory because I don't know what I'm doing wrong sometimes,
45:35
you know, But if I take, you know, an hour out of my day to
45:39
look back and reflect and say, huh, did I lie to anyone?
45:42
Did I cheat? Did I steal?
45:44
You know, did I manipulate? Did I cause harm?
45:47
Right. Oh, yeah, you know, you started
45:49
to. And like you said, progress, you
45:51
know, you practice progress, not perfection.
45:53
I'm never going to be perfect, but the more I practice it, it's
45:56
progress towards perfection. And it's like, you know, I'm
46:00
never going to achieve perfection.
46:01
And that's OK because we're human and no one will achieve
46:03
perfection, you know? But if I can just work on it
46:07
every day, I'm going to start to change those behaviors because I
46:10
don't like they're not serving me.
46:11
You know, I'm pissing people off when I'm doing this stuff and
46:13
people don't want to hang out with me and I'm just, there's a
46:16
lot of negativity happening when I'm when I'm doing those things,
46:19
right. So it's a beautiful thing that
46:23
every day has an end and we have the ability to do better
46:25
tomorrow. You know?
46:29
What's something, Joe, that you're most proud of since
46:31
getting sober? One thing that's coming to mind
46:40
right now, which I've been working on, the ability, the
46:49
ability to choose my piece over anything else, whether it be my
46:55
children, whether it be my partner, whether it be my
46:59
family, whether it be friends. If you're coming to take pieces
47:03
of my piece, I'm going to talk to you about it, but you're not
47:06
stealing it anymore. Life for me through that hell
47:12
that I've had to live through for many, many years.
47:19
Where I'm at today. Peace is so important.
47:25
And to acquire peace, you must go through storms, I believe.
47:29
But there's peace in the storm as well.
47:32
It's the perception of it, right?
47:35
Is it easy? Yeah.
47:36
I'm sitting here right now. I'm on a great time with a, with
47:39
a, with a beautiful guy in recovery that I love to death.
47:41
And it's the first time I met him.
47:43
But our souls have connected somewhere along this journey for
47:46
sure. Peace.
47:50
To acquire peace, everybody wants to be happy.
47:52
But you, you cannot be happy all the time.
47:54
You can only be happy because you felt sadness and vice versa.
47:58
But to acquire peace doesn't make life always a joyous and
48:01
free and happy occasion. It just it, it gives me the
48:05
opportunity to say sit back, don't overreact, choose yourself
48:14
separate with love and kindness. Do not ever say never say never
48:20
because things happen. People go, they come, they go,
48:22
they come. But I choose today to not lose
48:26
Joe anymore because I'm too important to myself today.
48:30
I'm the most important thing in my life today.
48:33
There's nothing more important than Joe.
48:34
Today. My children are my world, are my
48:36
world, my mom, my family, they're my world.
48:41
But they I, they don't have nothing.
48:43
If Joe's not number one to Joe, call it selfish, call it
48:47
selfish. It is selfish to be honest with
48:49
it is, but it's a healthy selfish because if I choose Joe
48:53
today, I can only be the healthiest version of myself.
48:56
And then everybody wins, right? Yeah, Yeah, I love that.
49:01
If I could just finish, I was speaking to you before about the
49:04
law of attraction, right? And, and, and I think I will
49:07
sing it to you. If you could hold it in your if
49:08
you could see it in your mind, you can hold it in your hand.
49:10
If I give up with a vibe all the time, a vibe, A vibe that vibes
49:13
coming to me. So if I could give love, love,
49:16
love even when it's hard, love will love will come.
49:20
Am I doing it for that reason? No, I'm not today I don't.
49:22
I got caught up in life doing things and saying that he didn't
49:27
give me back what I why would he not do that?
49:28
Everything I didn't. No, today if I do something, I
49:33
do something because it makes me feel good knowing that I I
49:38
brought some joy to someone else.
49:40
Yeah, right. So I hope that.
49:42
Yeah, no, it's it's true. And you know, you made me think
49:45
about a moment. Yeah.
49:47
So I live downtown Toronto, and this has been happening actually
49:51
a lot more lately. I'm happy you brought this up
49:53
because I hadn't thought about this in a while.
49:55
I've been reacting a lot to people and I'll give you an
49:58
example. One of my pet peeves is people
50:01
that honk way too much in the city, right?
50:04
Like hold their horn. You know, it's, it's there to
50:07
for a hazard, right? And I don't hopefully I don't
50:10
start ranting about this because it drives me nuts, right.
50:12
When you live in the city enough, you know, you can hear
50:15
it in your in your building, right?
50:16
But so I there's this guy the other day where just had a
50:19
beautiful dinner for my my wife's birthday.
50:22
My parents came downtown and we're walking down the street.
50:24
We got ice cream. Everything's good golden.
50:26
I'm happy. You know, I got a new job at a
50:29
treatment center. So that's like good things are
50:31
happening in my life and the, the it's just it's it's
50:36
beautiful. And I I want to mention too, is
50:38
like for a long time in in recovery, things weren't really
50:43
adding up for me financially, right.
50:45
And this is one thing I really want to preach to people, and
50:48
preach is the wrong word, but I really want to get out there
50:50
that sometimes you just have to wait a little longer, you know?
50:55
Like before the miracle. Yeah, exactly.
50:57
Only before the miracle happens sometimes you just got to, it's
51:00
coming, right? The, the, the gifts are coming.
51:01
And it's not like my life has changed completely, but I wanted
51:05
to get a job at a treatment center, right?
51:06
This is something that I really want to do.
51:08
I'm going back to school for it too, right?
51:10
So that's amazing. These things are starting to
51:12
unfold and it's because I stuck the, the difficult path.
51:15
I, I, I trudged it out and you know, sure, it's only been six
51:19
months again, only I shouldn't say only it's six months is a
51:22
good, you know, it's good enough, brother.
51:23
Especially when I couldn't get 6 fucking minutes together.
51:25
You know I couldn't, right? So anyway, so I'm walking down
51:29
the street, things are going really well and this guy's
51:32
holding his horn. The whole street's vibrating
51:35
through the street, driving me insane.
51:38
I literally walk away from it. And this isn't me.
51:40
I don't normally do this right? And I start getting into it.
51:42
The guy, he's got his window down.
51:44
So I'm like, I'm going to tell this guy how he's doing right
51:46
and how he's pissing me off and I just lose my mind, right?
51:50
And we get into it and then whatever he's embarrassed, he
51:52
drives away. I'm embarrassed and I'm, you
51:54
know, people in the street are now looking at me, right?
51:56
And it's funny how it just kind of happens like that, right?
51:59
It, it comes out of nowhere, but I'm not proud of those moments,
52:05
you know what I mean? Like those are things that I
52:06
want to work on. That's not who I am.
52:08
And, and, you know, my life is embarrassed, my family's
52:10
embarrassed. And but this is something that
52:12
keeps coming up and, and something that I need to work
52:14
on. So, you know, talking and doing
52:16
this stuff and talking to people like you, it makes me realize
52:18
that like I have an opportunity to work on these things today.
52:22
I never would have even thought that was a problem, you know,
52:24
six months ago, 10 years ago, when I first came into recovery
52:28
or when I was in my act of addiction.
52:30
But it's a beautiful thing and it it really is that I can put
52:34
out good into the world. And so I look at that experience
52:37
now and I try to do this on it when somebody pisses me off.
52:40
This is where I was going with this.
52:41
Sorry when somebody pisses me off.
52:43
And it happens a lot in Toronto, You know, there's a lot of
52:45
tourists and stuff like that. If I just react with a smile or
52:50
you mentioned putting out good energy into the world, there's a
52:53
little part of me that's like, I'm going to get that back
52:55
someday in some way or another. But also I just exact to your
52:58
point, I've never got into an altercation with someone ever in
53:01
my life, physical or or mental, you know, verbal where I felt
53:06
better after never, never even if I've been right justified,
53:10
you know, people are applauding me whatever then that's not
53:13
happened before. But I've never felt better after
53:16
that right, never. It's never happened where I've
53:20
made my point embarrass the person 'cause that's usually
53:22
what I wanna do is embarrass the person.
53:24
I've never felt better, so yeah, it it's always ended up worse is
53:28
what I'm. Saying, why do you think that?
53:29
Yeah, that's a great. I love that question.
53:33
And and we, you know, we, we talked about this in my
53:36
treatment center last time because we had a counselor there
53:38
that would always come in and complain about Tim horton's.
53:40
And this guy was like, he would, he's, he would complain that the
53:45
and this guy was very in tune with his self.
53:48
He was a therapist and he, you know, he was, but he was honest.
53:51
He'd go to the same Tim Horns every morning and the guy
53:53
wouldn't cut his bagel all the way through and he was driving
53:55
him nuts. Oh my gosh, it's.
53:56
Like I know what you're talking about.
53:59
Every single day he's like, you have one fucking job, right?
54:02
Just cut the bagel all the way through.
54:04
It would drive him nuts. And he would always Vince.
54:05
He would always talk slowly. To me, it's all about me.
54:07
He's doing it to me. That's exactly what he said too,
54:11
right? And we, and he and I asked him
54:14
one day because I'm, I'm so interested in that too.
54:16
It's like, why does that bother us so much when we because he
54:19
embarrassed the guy or did something about it, right?
54:22
Why, why? And so to answer your question,
54:26
because I don't think it's what we were meant to do, right in
54:29
our DNA. It's it, it never feels good
54:32
because I don't think we were meant to put other people down.
54:37
The outcome is never what we thought it would be.
54:40
Because God's in you. I've heard people and because of
54:45
certain lifestyle I lived, I couldn't show Oh my God, that I,
54:49
that I really hurt him that much.
54:50
No, but I went home, you know, 25 years old home crying, crying
54:56
to God. Please, God, please help them.
54:59
I could dare, I could not show that out there.
55:01
I was so scared to show God out there.
55:03
I'd show you evil 'cause he had the power over me.
55:06
So you feel bad because it's not you.
55:10
Yeah. It's not you.
55:11
It's not you. And it just something rang
55:15
through to me when you said that you attacked that guy honking,
55:18
which, Oh my God, man, one day, just like it.
55:20
Just just. Honked.
55:21
Yeah, just once or twice, right? If, if I, if I may, what I found
55:28
from that was your wife's birthday.
55:31
Your parents come down, right? You're early on in recovery
55:36
again. Yeah.
55:37
So you're holding on to some things.
55:39
Absolutely. And then how do I protect them
55:41
now? If he's bothering me, he's
55:45
bothering. I got to protect them.
55:47
You want to protect your loved ones, brother.
55:49
It's so beautiful when I could actually see it because I've
55:53
I've done the same things, the same things.
55:55
I will overreact even more when my loved ones are around because
56:01
I have to protect them. Yeah, right.
56:04
I haven't thought about it like that, so I might be wrong.
56:07
It's it's in there for sure. There's something and up watch.
56:10
When I leave today, I'm going to I'm going to reflect more on
56:13
that and be like, yeah, you know, there's a part of I I
56:15
think there's truth in every every bit of you know, I just we
56:19
subconsciously do things because we think it just pisses us off
56:24
period, right. But it's you're right, there's
56:26
more to I believe that too, And that's, you know, where therapy
56:29
has brought me. I want to end with this, and I
56:33
usually end with this on this podcast.
56:36
If you could say something to a struggling addict or alcoholic
56:38
right now, what would you say? You are not your pain, you are
56:51
your purpose. And I know if you're struggling
56:58
right now, it's hard to see that, but you're struggling so
57:02
much, I think, because you're afraid to let God out, higher
57:07
power out, let him out to keep letting him back in because
57:12
you're worth it. Beautiful.
57:15
Well said, Joe. Thanks so much for coming down,
57:18
brother. I had a great time and I'm happy
57:20
we're friends now. Thanks brother.
57:22
For real, next time it's a Nespresso.
57:24
Yeah, 100%. I gotta get one in here
57:26
actually. Thanks for listening.
57:29
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57:34
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57:37
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57:41
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57:44
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57:47
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