Latest / Candid Coach Conversations / Whose Voice Is That? | Shuntá Montgomery & Tiffanie Hughes on Self-Doubt & Naysayers

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Whose Voice Is That? | Shuntá Montgomery & Tiffanie Hughes on Self-Doubt & Naysayers · Candid Coach Conversations

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Hi there. Have you ever stopped from saying the thing you want out loud because
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of anything really? Hesitation,
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fear, just stopping yourself from saying the thing you want out loud?
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If so, today is for you. I am Kimberly Boyd,
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Founder of Live Life Fully, and welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
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Today I have with me the amazing Shuntá Montgomery and
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the absolutely wonderful Tiffanie Hughes.
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Hey ladies.
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Hey.
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Hello.
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So this keeps coming up about what we say out loud and what we want
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and whether we say it or not. And so I wanted to ask the two of you to come
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on here today and share with us your experience with naming what you want out loud,
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your thoughts about it. Yeah, so who's up?
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I want to hear from both of you.
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Well, I actually I would love to talk about this topic ~ because
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it is something that I feel actually really passionate about.
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And my family knows me as someone who when I say something,
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it's because I'm going to do it,
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right? I remember back in two thousand nine I said,
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Dad, I think I'm gonna move to Europe and he said,
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Well, okay, I think it looks like you're gonna move to Europe.
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And it was that simple, right?
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Mm maybe not everybody believed it because it feels so outlandish at the time.
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I said it, I did it.
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Right. I said, Dad, I think I'm gonna get married.
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And he goes, Well, okay, I guess I'm gonna be a father-in-law.
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I got married, right? It's it's one of those things where for me,
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when I say something, it's because I'm going to do it.
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I have intentions to follow it through as best of my ability.
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And I'm gonna tell you one of the things that I learned through
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my own coaching experience, being coached and becoming a coach.
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Is that it almost holds you responsible,
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right? It holds you accountable to when you say things,
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right? Because you want to be trusted.
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You want people to believe in you.
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You want also people to cheer you on.
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And the only way for them to do that is if you start saying things out loud,
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right? I said, honey, I think I want to ~ start a coaching company.
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You know, I st I I want to start,
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I think I want to become a coach.
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And he said, Okay, what
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~
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can I do to support you? Right.
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And then it became him having those conversations with me.
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And it wasn't just something that was in my head because,
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you know, there's been little birdies chirping in my ears ~
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Ha.
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for, you know, a year or two prior to that.
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And when I finally started to talk about it,
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right, I think I could possibly maybe and then everybody else started coming with
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me saying, Yes, my gosh, that makes so much sense.
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This is what you need to do. And I think it's the idea of accountability
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and holding yourself accountable because once you've said it,
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it's out there.
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Right.
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Very true. Very true.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So many times that stuff has popped out of my mouth and I'm like,
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did I just say that out loud? Meaning,
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somebody heard me. And now there's that follow-through piece.
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Because you're right, Tiffanie,
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I agree. About the trust, the integrity,
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and the knowing when other people know it shifts something,
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at least in my brain, it shifts something and makes me want to even do it more.
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Yeah. Sante, what about you? Saying the thing you want out loud?
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Like, what does that mean to you and what experiences have you had?
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Okay, great question and as Tiffanie was talking I was like my gosh,
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I I love this question and I was thinking about my own experiences and
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I was like okay so there's a lot of times I go set and that's on a poster
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or that's written down and I'm like trying to figure out when have
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I actually said something out loud and it came true.
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Cause yes once you put it on a goal and you write it then you say it
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out loud but then
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But not even going and not even going there writing it,
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just saying it out loud. And I couldn't think of anything until Kimberly,
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you asked me that question. I was like,
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I remember. Okay, so it was the first retreat that I went to from your retreat,
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Kimberly Boy. And I said I was gonna speak at the next stage.
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~ at the next retreat. I wanted to be on the stage.
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And so, yeah.
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I have been on the stage since then after I said that out loud.
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So I love that because I didn't write that goal down.
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I spoke that and it was scary.
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It was scary to say that out loud in front of everyone 'cause I didn't know what
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that entailed, how I was gonna get there,
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what I needed to do to get there.
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I just knew that I wanted to be there.
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Right. It's funny that you say you had trouble thinking of something 'cause several
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things pop in my mind that that you have done.
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So if it's okay I'd love to refresh your memory.
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Please.
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Like I remember the day you were talking to me and you said,
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I want to create a digital planner.
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And by golly, you've done it. I also remember another day,
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even before the digital planner,
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that you said, you know, I think I want to write my story.
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And you've written the rough draft.
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~ yes.
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yes. I also remember a day that you said,
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like, I want to love myself more and I want to take care of me.
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Like I want to put me first so that I can overflow onto others.
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And you did. You uprooted your life to take care of yourself.
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Yeah. Okay. All true. And I don't know why I don't know the reason none
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of those came up for me at all.
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Yeah, fascinating.
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think also I'd like to interject is sometimes when you say things out loud,
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it also reveals the conflict around it.
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Right. So for instance, I want to love myself.
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Not only do people it always seems when you manifest things out in
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the world like that, people come into your life that need to be there,
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right? Because somehow they've been drawn to you.
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And it it kind of helps you resolve some feelings that you might have when
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you get it out there. Right. And and people come up with resources.
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Right. They're like, hey, you know what?
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I had this similar experience.
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Or hey, you know what? We're gonna go to this retreat next week.
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And I really loved the impact that it made on my life,
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my la my life last time. Right.
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So I think that sometimes when you say things out loud,
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you share some some vision that you might have.
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It it actually allows you to kind of explore ~ things that are around it.
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Yeah.
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And and and this is the thing that we talk about in therapy all the time
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is this ~ ruminating.
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Right. So what if we stop ruminating and put it out there?
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Because I think it's it stops that cyclical thinking that goes nowhere.
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Because we know circles, there's no end,
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there's no beginning, there's no end,
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it just is on and on and on. And so putting it out there kind of has like
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a stop and said, No, we're we can move forward from here.
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And and it doesn't always have to be big things,
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right? Saying things don't always have to be the big things that slap
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you in the face and say, Hey, we're here.
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Sometimes they can be quiet things too,
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but it's those quiet things that can make all the difference in the world.
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I think I was trying to focus more on a big thing.
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Well, I don't know, huge thing.
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I don't know, cause those are huge and big.
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But they're also for you, right?
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The retreat was something that you would share with other people.
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But those things that Kimberly just mentioned,
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that was about your self growth.
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Those were about your needs or wants and desires.
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And those are just as important.
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Absolutely. I definitely agree to that.
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Yes. Yes. I love
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Yeah, I also wanna
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too, what I'm hearing is that both of you,
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it sounds like have done this times of reflection.
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And I think it's so important to take time to reflect,
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whether it's over your day or over your week or month or even the year,
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and give yourself credit. Like really acknowledge yourself.
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For the things that you've done and acknowledge yourself for the things
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you haven't done. Because here's what I believe,
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and I don't know if it's true.
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This is what I believe is some of the things that I don't get done,
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if you will, and I realize done is only when it comes to cooking.
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So some of the things you don't get finished,
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maybe they weren't supposed to be finished.
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And it's through those periods of reflection that I'm able to say,
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okay.
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That was because I dropped the ball,
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like literally forgot, dropped the ball,
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didn't make the time to do it,
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or that didn't get finished or accomplished because it was time for me to pivot.
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I wasn't this is not where I was anymore.
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It was time for the shift.
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Now, I don't know. For me, without the reflection,
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I don't know that I would always get there.
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But I do think it's so important.
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And Shuntá, I know that you have a reflection practice.
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Mm-hmm.
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Tiffanie, I know you have a reflection practice.
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And so really giving yourself credit and acknowledging even the small things,
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even those quiet things that Tiffanie you were mentioning.
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Yeah, you know, that that brings up a thought and that is I I think you have
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a good point in saying like, you know,
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when we h have to pivot or, you know,
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maybe we're not putting energy into something that doesn't quite feel like it's
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~ meeting our needs or whatever it is.
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And you know, the thing I I think it happens in our brain is that when
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it stays here, all of life's things,
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right, tend to get a little heavier.
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Right. They they feel a little heavy.
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They can overpower you, they can overwhelm you.
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And I think that when you say it out loud,
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you actually free it so that it has the room that it needs to grow.
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So whatever that thing is, right?
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Because who doesn't have to do laundry every week or wash the dishes
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or cook cook dinner and all these things happen every day.
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These things don't go away. But what doesn't get to have to happen is
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I don't have to start a new company.
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I don't have to do self-care.
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Right. I don't have to do these things that are going to take care of me
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and help me grow as a human. And then as soon as I say it,
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it frees it. Right? It gives it that opportunity to flourish and become whatever
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it needs to be. And and maybe it doesn't become anything,
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but what did you learn from it?
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Right? Because I do believe that all experiences are a teaching moment
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or a learning a learning moment of all all things.
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It doesn't matter what it is. Right.
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So I flourish, let it, let it go,
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let it, let it get out there.
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Yes, that's huge 'cause by saying that I was gonna speak at that engagement,
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I've spak spoken at several of the Love Life Fully retreats.
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I've spoken at my mom's shelter where she was once a resident at
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and from the retreats I've had a few more speaking engagements and so
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I think like you said, by me putting it out there
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it attracts whatever it needs to attract for me to accomplish the thing that
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I just spoke out there. So it frees it and it releases it and what comes
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to be comes to be based on that release.
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So I love it.
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Yeah, it's so
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And you keep growing, right? That's it.
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Absolutely.
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You keep
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growing. It's gotten bigger and more and better and more vibrant and more exciting.
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Yes. And the thing that I love about saying it out loud is we have two ears
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so that we can hear. And our brain is literally always listening.
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Like it's always listening. And so when we say it out loud and we feel
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it in our heart and we feel it in our gut and we have all three pieces in alignment,
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wow. It starts to change things quickly.
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Yes, Shelly Ann Price, believe that's her name.
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Shelly Ann Price, a ~ Olympic gold medal winner.
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I was listening to a podcast that she was on and she has motivation Fridays,
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Mindset Fridays, and it's a mindset training that they do where they sit
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and they ~ they do a mm
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What's that called? What is that where you pause and you listen and you
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Don't judge.
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What is it? You you f think about it,
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you future forecast it. Meditate.
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Meditate. that's it.
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And she meditate. So, I'm gonna get the dates wrong,
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but she went to the Osaka Wa running event and she was on a relay team
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and she made that decision that day.
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She said it out loud that she wanted to be responsible for herself
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and that she wanted to be number one.
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She did one year of full intention and after having her baby being thirty five years
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old.
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She became the first Caribbean that won a gold medal in that race based
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on her intentions that she said and the words that she said out loud
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to herself and she named it. So yeah.
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So amazing.
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The power of naming it. And speaking it out loud.
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Yeah, so s is it do y'all find it's I don't know.
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Is there more importance either way,
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like speaking it out loud to yourself for yourself and or sharing with another
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person, like speaking it out loud and telling a person?
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Think it matters?
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Yes and no. I think it depends on what it is that you're trying to share.
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Because I think sometimes when you share things,
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it is very vulnerable, right? And it can leave you open to either criticism,
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critique, or naysayers. I think that when you have the right people in your corner,
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you know, like me.
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I will cheer you on and say yes,
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you can do whatever you want to with bells and whistles and do all the things.
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~ because I think that's what life is about,
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is about experiences. And I've said this before.
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I do think I love to share. I love to share because I want people to
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be as excited about things life that I am.
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And you never know who you might collaborate with or you never know
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who you might inspire.
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And I've been hearing that a lot lately,
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like, I had Tiffanie in my mind today when I was doing XYZ and and
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I love hearing that. I'm like,
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okay, may you know, this is this is something because people
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are becoming less afraid to say things out loud.
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but I also think that you have to sometimes be careful,
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right? ~ because I would hate for anyone to say,
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~ I I want to buy a castle and someone telling me tell me because I do want
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to buy a castle, one day.
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I don't care if it's dilapidated,
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I'll make it I'll make it wonderful.
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~
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Yeah.
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I don't want someone to tell me like that's a stupid idea or that's
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you shouldn't do that. I'll be like,
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~ I shouldn't do what? Like be awesome?
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I don't think so. That's not possible.
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Right? I d I don't want that either.
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luckily I'm generally pretty confident in myself to say like,
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hmm what you say to me doesn't matter and I will only surround myself with people
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who want to encourage me and want me to do great things.
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So
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I think it y you have to use some discretion and some discernment sometimes,
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right? but I like the idea of sharing it too because right,
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that also holds you accountable when people ask you questions and you might
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get to learn something about that process along the way or I didn't think about
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that.
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And there are gonna be naysayers.
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Like I think we've all experienced naysayers.
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And one thing I've learned to do with naysayers,
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like Kimberly, what are you thinking?
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You're gonna add one more thing or you're gonna do the whatever it is?
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And I'm like, sounds like that would not be something you'd wanna try.
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Like I don't have to take the naysayer's words and make them my story
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or limit what it is that I'm wanting to do.
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But I absolutely agree with you.
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You do have to have a level of discernment.
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And even if you've miscalculated and you tell somebody and they're they push back
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or they're like, Ugh, great. Sounds like something you wouldn't be willing
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to try or that you're not interested in ever doing.
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And that's
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Wonderful that they know that about themselves.
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I also like this whole idea of naysayers and I've mentioned Christian before.
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Christian Moore, a friend of mine,
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he's the founder of Wide Try and Resilience for Youth.
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And for me, when I've had naysayers in my life,
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it I truly have turned that into fuel.
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Like fuel my ambition even more,
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which he would call street resilience.
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~ and then also I do tap back into the relational resilience.
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Okay, so here's this naysayer.
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They think it's a terrible idea or whatever they think.
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and then I stop street resilience is usually first,
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maybe, and then I'll say, Okay,
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who could benefit? Like if I'd move forward with this dream or this goal
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or whatever it is, who could benefit?
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And so I think about the different relationships in my life and then I
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use that as my fuel to keep me going.
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Like, it's not even about me. I it's for this part of my life or these people
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or my children. So I focus on the relational resilience piece as well.
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Because naysayers are real.
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Yes. And I will say the few naysayers that I've had around me,
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I almost think it strengthens my convictions even further.
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Amen.
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You don't think I can do it? We'll just see about that.
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Watch me.
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That's the street
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resilience that Christian talks about.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yes.
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Well yes. Yeah. Shuntá, have you ever had naysayers?
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~ Well good.
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Nope, not at all. Mm mm.
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You're you're an alien.
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Yeah.
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No,
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yes I've had naysayers. yeah, and so I have also been a naysayer
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in my head and then I've learned to not listen to myself but talk to myself and so
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Wait, I may
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say in your head about you?
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Yeah, I've I've doubted myself.
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I've told myself some stuff and so now I'm now I trained myself to stop listening
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to myself and to start talking to myself.
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So speaking the positivity that I wanna have.
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And if I have a goal, then how can I speak the positive words of
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me achieving that goal versus listening to maybe the the the little girl inside
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that's you know doesn't believe she can,
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but really I can.
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So good, yes. I've worked really hard also on I've never really,
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I don't guess, have thought about it as being a naysayer to myself about myself.
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And I've had so much negative talk to myself,
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which is the same thing in essence.
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One thing I've worked really hard at doing is to overcome that negative talk
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or the fear piece is when that negative thought comes in is to really stop
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and ask myself, okay, A, is this true?
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And then the other thing is
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What is something that I do know for certain?
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And what I do know for certain is that I can figure things out.
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And it may I don't have to have all the answers for the project or the goal today.
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What I have to have today is a commitment to myself and the idea.
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And then what's one step I can take?
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You know, we all have seen the picture of the ladder and it's got all
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the rungs on the ladder.
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Well, can't get to the top without taking one at a time.
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So same thing for me. What's one thing I can do today?
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Or one thing I can look up or research,
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the one action. And that's what's helped me stop the I guess
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the naysaying to myself. Thank you for pointing that out,
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Shuntá.
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Yeah.
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I think I have been blessed in that sense that I don't have a lot
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of self doubt talk. but I do sometimes ask myself,
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whose voice am I hearing when I have the I can'ts,
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right? And I don't even like the I can't.
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And so I do even catch myself as I can't do that.
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Whoa, is that true? Right? I ask myself the same thing,
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is that actually true? And then whose voice am I hearing?
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Right? Like who in my life or who in my past,
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Whose voice is that that's telling me that I can't?
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Because I know it's not me. Tiffanie would never do that to Tiffanie.
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Yeah, and I think
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That's
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me too. And I I also think it's a great point that you don't have a
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lot of negative or self-doubt and negative talk,
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and yet you've identified that you say I can't do something,
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which is like a negative statement.
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It's saying that you're not capable or whatever it is.
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When there is an I can't, I will often encourage people or invite people
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to change it to
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I choose not to or I don't want to,
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'cause that's really what it is.
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Yeah, so I love that you brought that up,
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Tiffanie. And I'm glad you're realizing like Tiffanie would never
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say that to Tiffanie to stop the can't.
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Absolutely. Yeah. And I I love the idea of choice,
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right? And and I I try to say this with my clients as well when I hear them,
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the self-doubt, the self, the negative talk and I can't.
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And I mean I think sometimes it's legitimate,
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right? Like I can't jump thirty feet in the air.
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Like that that is something I'm incapable of doing.
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But is that really a
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~
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can't or is it I don't know how?
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I'm incapable of jumping thirty feet in the air.
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Mm-hmm. So you've tried.
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I will always try. but I do still like the idea,
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like I I I wouldn't let somebody else buy with that kind of talk and I
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try not to allow it for myself either.
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Yeah. but thirty feet in the air,
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I do want to go back to that 'cause you know,
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I get stuck on words and things.
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And so I'm wondering the people that can that have actually done it,
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if they did it the first time they ever tried.
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I'm I think I'm being more like plain with semantics,
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right? It's like the the idea of if you jump thirty feet in the air,
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is there a trampoline? I'm talking about raw just talent to stand here and jump.
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And I don't know that anyone is actually capable of jumping thirty feet in the air.
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~
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I don't need
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they would be an alien.
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No, but
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what my point is though is that they started somewhere and when they
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had the idea they probably couldn't either.
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They could think that, like I can't do that.
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And yes, they practiced and practiced and practiced.
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~ I see what you're doing.
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And so really that I can't jump 30 feet in the air,
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you can end that with the word yet.
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'Cause nobody
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Yet
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could do that the first time they tried.
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If they could, we'd know their name.
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Sure.
20:23
And we don't.
20:24
Ha ha ha
20:25
So I think that
20:26
True. True.
20:27
I think can't can be a very tricky word.
20:30
so add the yet to the end because if it is something that you want that
20:36
is possible and we know it's possible because others have done it,
20:40
add yet to the end.
20:41
Yeah, I think that's definitely true.
20:43
I think that's really sound and sage advice.
20:46
because I do think that the yet makes a difference.
20:50
Right? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
20:52
If you want it hard enough, if you put it out there hard enough,
20:55
I I think most things are possible,
20:57
right?
20:57
Yes. Yeah. Shuntá, I want you to weigh in.
21:00
I want to hear your your thoughts on this.
21:02
I agree. I do say yet. ~ I guess I was thinking,
21:06
would that be a gold of mine? And since it's not a gold of mine,
21:09
I wouldn't say yet 'cause I wouldn't want to be able to jump thirty feet in the air.
21:13
Okay, so that goes back to I don't wanna jump thirty feet in the air.
21:17
That. and then Tiffanie, when you said what you said,
21:20
I was thinking 'cause you said working hard enough.
21:24
And so I was like, ~ yeah, like so not just putting it out there
21:29
and making a statement, but also and also doing the work to get it accomplished.
21:34
So I'm sure we didn't just say,
21:36
I wanna go to Europe and you didn't do anything to prepare yourself to go to Europe.
21:41
Yes. Yes. I mean absolutely. I I think I said this before as well,
21:44
but this comes down to change,
21:46
right? If you want change in your life,
21:48
one, you have to believe change is necessary.
21:50
Two, you have to take actions in order to to live the change and be the change.
21:55
And then three, it has to be consistent,
21:56
right? That's the only way change happens.
21:58
And if I wanna move to Europe because I'm looking to change my geographics
22:02
or my job or whatever my my reasons or rationale is,
22:06
I have to believe that this is something that's important to me,
22:08
right?
22:09
~ and so yes, I do.
22:11
You have to you have to do the work.
22:12
I applied to over two hundred and something job applications in order to find three.
22:17
I was gonna say you did the
22:18
Ha ha.
22:19
work. Like you said it, had that level of responsibility,
22:22
and then you did the work to follow through and did it.
22:25
And you didn't
22:25
Yes.
22:26
give up. I love that. Because
22:27
Right.
22:28
270, that means
22:29
~
22:29
you have resilience. You was in it to win it.
22:33
Yes.
22:33
I have determination.
22:33
Persistent for sure.
22:37
So good. What an interesting conversation.
22:39
And I love the fact of how saying it out loud has shifted so much for both
22:44
of you and probably our listeners too.
22:47
And then the word choice, I love it.
22:50
And I love that we were able to have that open conversation.
22:52
and so much popped up for me. So thank you both.
22:55
Yeah.
22:56
Yes,
22:56
I agree.
22:57
Thank
22:57
you.
22:57
I'm super glad you were both here today.
22:59
Thank you for sharing. And for our listeners,
23:02
thank you for joining Candid Coach Conversations.
23:05
We look forward to talking with you again soon.
23:08
And hopefully you will have already purchased your ticket.
23:11
If not, go to live life llfully.com.
23:14
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23:19
We look forward to seeing you.
23:20
Enjoy your day and remember, live life fully and enjoy every moment.