Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 178: Fear of Abandonment Part 2: Moving From Fear to Love

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178: Fear of Abandonment Part 2: Moving From Fear to Love · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  well hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help those who have been doing so much for others, often the cost of their own selves to find true authentic and fulfilling relationships free of burnout and self abandonment.
• 0:34
  Now, in last week's episode, we talked about the number one fear of people pleasers, the fear of abandonment, and how this often shows up as self abandonment.
• 0:44
  And today in part two, we're going to be talking about how to break free from that fear of abandonment as well as self abandonment and how to step into love.
• 0:53
  Both love for yourself and love for other people as well.
• 0:56
  So just to recap, but by all means, go back and listen if you haven't heard it yet, but a few signs that you may be self abandoning due to a fear of abandonment is people pleasing, overgiving, conflict avoidance, and feeling overly responsible for other people's experiences.
• 1:14
  The fear of abandonment is a very primal fear.
• 1:17
  It goes back to the days when humankind lived in caves.
• 1:20
  Community literally could mean the difference between life and death.
• 1:23
  And even though we're no longer living in caves and have the ability to connect with other people that is greater than ever before, your nervous system may still be taking some time to adjust to these new current circumstances.
• 1:36
  In other words, your nervous system may be telling you that if they leave, you won't be able to survive.
• 1:42
  But that simply isn't true.
• 1:44
  The truth is that fear it's not even all that bad.
• 1:47
  In fact, fear is here to protect you.
• 1:50
  But it's also true that fear, it's not always serving you.
• 1:54
  Fear serves us by keeping us on high alert, by keeping us on our toes.
• 1:58
  Fear wants us to survive, but our nervous system sometimes has a hard time making our level of internal fear proportionate to the current situation.
• 2:07
  For example, maybe you see a bee flying around and then instantly your fight or flight response takes over.
• 2:13
  Your adrenaline starts pumping, your body starts reacting.
• 2:17
  Maybe you start sweating.
• 2:19
  It feels like there is a giant inevitable threat in the immediate area that you are in, right?
• 2:25
  You are in danger.
• 2:26
  But really, for those of us that aren't allergic to bee stings, the worst thing that could happen is that we'll experience a little bit of temporary pain.
• 2:36
  And I'm using that example today because today I went outside barefoot.
• 2:39
  I love being outside barefoot, and while I was outside, I stepped on a bee and I did not see the bee, but I immediately felt it and it was super uncomfortable for about five or 10 minutes.
• 2:53
  And then I was just fine.
• 2:54
  And what else is true is that if I had seen the bee, I probably would've had a very different response than I did when I stepped on it.
• 3:02
  My nervous system would've probably wanted me to believe that being stung by that bee would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
• 3:09
  But really, again, the worst case scenario, since I'm not allergic, is just five to 10 minutes of discomfort.
• 3:16
  And the same is true when we have a fear of abandonment in our relationships.
• 3:20
  We have this deep fear that if they leave, our very survival is at risk, and that can feel like the scariest thing ever.
• 3:28
  But the truth is that relationships, they come and go, and you have actually survived just fine up to this point.
• 3:35
  When you were a child, it felt normal and natural that your friend circle would change depending on whose class you were in.
• 3:41
  So, for example, if you were in Mrs.
• 3:43
  Checketts fifth grade class, more than likely the kids that you would invite to your birthday party would also be in Mrs.
• 3:49
  Checketts fifth grade class.
• 3:51
  It was okay that you weren't still besties with the kids that you went to school with last year.
• 3:56
  Also, I'll just let you know the bulk of my audience is between the ages of 35 and 55, and more than likely if you fit into that dynamic, then that means that you have probably survived a romantic breakup as well.
• 4:08
  And yeah, it was probably hard.
• 4:10
  And you survived.
• 4:12
  It actually wasn't the end of the world.
• 4:15
  The earth is still spinning and life goes on and you're meeting new people and it's ultimately going to be okay.
• 4:22
  So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't believe everything that you think and don't believe everything that your nervous system is trying to tell you.
• 4:29
  So yes, bring it into your conscious awareness.
• 4:32
  Bring it into coaching, and let's talk about it and work through it so that it doesn't take over your life, but you don't need to just continue to allow fear to dictate how it is that you're showing up in life.
• 4:44
  It may be true for you that up until this point you have been allowing fear and your nervous system to run the show, and they're kind of just going off of your, your primary settings, your current default settings, and it's worked out okay.
• 4:57
  I mean, you're still here, but now.
• 4:59
  As evidenced by your being here and listening to a self-help podcast, you are ready to not just survive, but to really thrive.
• 5:09
  You're ready for not just a placeholder kind of relationship, but you're ready for genuine compatibility.
• 5:16
  And it may feel a little bit counterintuitive, but identifying the fear, bringing it into your conscious awareness, what it is that that fear is telling you what it is that fear is creating for you, that is going to help you and give you information to help you create what it is that you're actually looking for.
• 5:31
  So we're gonna do a little practice here.
• 5:33
  We're going to play around a little bit with identifying what it is that fear is saying and what it is that love is saying.
• 5:39
  They are two very different voices.
• 5:42
  Fear is only worried about surviving.
• 5:44
  Love is about thriving.
• 5:47
  And so doing this, separating out the two, making distinctions between the two, it can help us to intentionally turn down the volume on the fear and intentionally turn up the volume on love.
• 5:58
  And doing this shift is going to help you to change your default setting.
• 6:03
  So now, rather than having your default setting be through that fear response, you can actually change your default setting so that you'll now be showing up through a love response.
• 6:12
  Love for both you and for the other person.
• 6:16
  So noticing these difference is what's going to help you to create more real and authentic relationships.
• 6:21
  So let me give you a few examples about what fear tells us and what love tells us.
• 6:26
  And notice for your.
• 6:27
  Which thoughts you are believing.
• 6:29
  Do you tend to believe more in the thoughts that fear is telling you, or do you tend to believe more what love is telling you?
• 6:35
  Just kind of use it as information.
• 6:38
  Fear says, I have to perform for love.
• 6:42
  Love says I can be my full self and still be loved.
• 6:47
  Fear says, if I show my true feelings, then they'll leave me.
• 6:51
  Love says if they leave because I'm sharing my truth, then they weren't meant for me.
• 6:57
  Fear says, I must prove my worth.
• 7:00
  Love says my worth is inherit.
• 7:04
  Fear says, if I don't do this for them, they're going to abandon me.
• 7:08
  Love says, if I do this when I don't want to, I would be abandoning myself.
• 7:14
  Fear says I need to keep the peace no matter the cost.
• 7:18
  Love says true peace includes my voice and my needs too.
• 7:24
  Fear says if I set a boundary, they're going to think I'm selfish.
• 7:28
  Love says a boundary honors both me and the relationship.
• 7:34
  Fear says I should be really easy to love, so I shouldn't make any waves.
• 7:38
  Love says, I am worthy of love even if I take up space.
• 7:43
  Fear says if I stop giving, they'll stop caring about me.
• 7:48
  Love says the right people love me for who I am, not for what it is that I give.
• 7:54
  Fear says I have to shrink myself in order to be accepted.
• 7:58
  Love says, when I finally start showing up in a relationship then I create space for real genuine connection.
• 8:06
  When you start leading with love, you stop trying to earn your place in somebody else's life, and you start building relationships that are built on trust, authenticity, and mutual respect.
• 8:19
  When we are living life through that fear of abandonment, we are ultimately abandoning ourselves.
• 8:25
  So stepping out of that fear of abandonment, it means taking the time to really learn how to love yourself unconditionally.
• 8:32
  To work just as hard to get your needs met as you've been working to meet other people's needs and wants.
• 8:38
  To live as your true, authentic self rather than the masked people pleasing version of you.
• 8:45
  When you truly come to love yourself and prioritize not abandoning yourself, then that's when you're going to be in the right energy to find that true love and connection with other people.
• 8:55
  Now I wanna be really clear that as you start prioritizing yourself, this doesn't mean that you're going to turn into a big, fat jerk face.
• 9:00
  And I know that turning into a big, fat jerk face is a fear a lot of you have, which is why I created an episode titled Am I The Jerk Now?
• 9:09
  How to Set Boundaries Without Becoming the Villain.
• 9:11
  And yes, I will link that in the show notes as well as a few other episodes that you might find supportive around this topic.
• 9:17
  But for now, I want you to know that leading with love, it doesn't mean that you're going to become a big, fat jerk face.
• 9:23
  It doesn't mean that you're never going to compromise with anybody.
• 9:26
  It doesn't mean that you're gonna stop caring about other people's feelings altogether and become really selfish, but instead, leading with love means that you stop compromising yourself.
• 9:36
  It means that you start prioritizing your own wellbeing so that you can better show up for other people from a steady place of abundance rather than through that lens of fear and that lens of neediness or through lack.
• 9:51
  It means that you start setting boundaries because you value yourself.
• 9:55
  This means if you're overbooked, you don't take on the role of being the classroom mom.
• 9:59
  If somebody mistreats you, you get yourself to safety instead of making excuses for them.
• 10:04
  That's something else that I have an episode on.
• 10:06
  So again, check out the show notes.
• 10:08
  It means that if somebody raises their voice, then you tell them, Hey, you know what?
• 10:11
  We can continue this conversation when you can talk to me respectfully.
• 10:15
  You are kind.
• 10:16
  But you're also boundaried and you treat yourself with kindness first and foremost by removing yourself from those toxic situations and those toxic relationships.
• 10:27
  You start to communicate more honestly, even if it feels vulnerable at first, you are willing to give voice to it when something doesn't feel right to you to tell them when your feelings have been hurt, to let them know when something isn't sustainable for you, so that you can create lasting change.
• 10:43
  You tell them when it is that you need a little bit of extra support instead of just assuming that they should know or that they should reciprocate.
• 10:49
  You initiate telling them what it is that you need, which significantly increases the odds that you're going to get those needs met.
• 10:55
  You let people show you through consistent actions if they're a safe person to be around.
• 11:01
  If they're somebody that you can trust, it is watching and observing how it is that they're actually showing up, not how it is that they say they're gonna start showing up eventually, but how it is that they're currently showing up, it is watching for consistency rather than just being accepting of sporadic change here and there.
• 11:18
  Just breadcrumbing enough to keep you around.
• 11:22
  You start choosing into partners, friends, and connections who can meet you where you are at, not just where they wish that you'd stay.
• 11:28
  Not just the people that wanna put you in a box and keep you there in a way that serves them, but people that genuinely want to meet you where you are at.
• 11:36
  These are the people that love you just because you're you.
• 11:38
  And yeah, they also appreciate it when you do things for them, but you are loved for who you are outside of what it is that you do for them in relationship.
• 11:48
  This is what it looks like to operate from a steady and grounded self-love.
• 11:53
  And doing that is going to create such beautiful and authentic relationships that you're no longer going to feel like you're walking on eggshells, trying to prove that you're worthy of love.
• 12:01
  And over time, you may begin to notice that your fear and insecurity, it will diminish over time because now you're prioritizing love and genuine connection over performance-based acceptance.
• 12:15
  When you start to operate from love instead of fear, you stop gripping so tightly to the wrong people, and instead you actually open your hands to those who genuinely want to and are willing to be in relationship with you and to stay.
• 12:29
  So for this week, I invite you to just start noticing, notice where in your relationships you are acting from, fear of abandonment rather than from self-love.
• 12:36
  Are there ways that you have been self abandoning in an attempt to keep people around that maybe you're not even in alignment with them anymore?
• 12:43
  And if so, what is that creating for you?
• 12:46
  What is that self abandonment creating for you?
• 12:49
  And then ask yourself, if I led with love for myself as well as for the other person, what would I start to do differently?
• 12:58
  Maybe it's speaking up instead of remaining silent.
• 13:01
  Maybe it's pulling back your energy a little bit from somebody who takes more than they give.
• 13:05
  Maybe it's simply telling yourself, I am worthy of love without overworking for it.
• 13:11
  Remember that the goal here is not to erase fear entirely.
• 13:14
  You may experience fear as you go through these changes, and that's totally normal.
• 13:18
  The goal here is just to start to recognize when fear is sneaking in, to acknowledge its presence, and then to choose into love anyway, because love the kind that is really rooted in authenticity and mutual care.
• 13:33
  That's the only true foundation for real lasting connection.
• 13:37
  And when you choose to lead with love for yourself, you'll be absolutely amazed at the kind of relationships that start showing up for you.
• 13:45
  And that's because fear is now in its place.
• 13:47
  You can actually relax into the relationship and enjoy those relationships from a place of abundance rather than that fear and anxiety and needy energy.
• 13:58
  Now if you are ready to start doing the inner work to build relationships free of fear, I would love to support you.
• 14:03
  I'm currently offering both six and 12 week coaching packages designed for recovering people, pleasers exactly like you.
• 14:10
  So let me show you how to break free of the fears that are holding you back and help you to create real lasting and gloriously authentic relationships.
• 14:19
  You can come to my website, www.maryannwalker.life, or email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life Life to check for availability or to join my wait list now.
• 14:27
  I look forward to talking with you, so thank you so much for being here.
• 14:30
  Let's all just lead with a little bit more self-love today, right?
• 14:33
  Find some way to show yourself the love that you deserve because you are deserving of love.
• 14:38
  All right, I'll see you next week.
• 14:39
  Have a good one.
• 14:40
  Bye now.