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Diva Mia Healing your Mindset after Divorce or a Death · The Diva Details

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  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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  Music.
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  No filters, no limits.
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  Just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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  This is Diva Mia. Today I'm going to talk to you a little bit about recovering
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  your mindset after kind of a toxic relationship or after a divorce or after a death of a spouse.
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  So one of the things to think about is when you were in your toxic relationship,
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  you went through several struggles.
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  You may have had a partner that gaslit you.
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  You may have had a partner that created a trauma bond and was a victim.
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  Or you may have had fell into the victimhood mentality and you might be emotionally exhausted.
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  So the one thing you have to do first is to start to get self-aware of what
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  occurred in your relationship. And it's tough.
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  You have to go revisit and sit with what happened in your relationship.
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  If you were in a toxic relationship, why did you stay?
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  I think that for me has been the one thing that I've weighed on myself the most
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  is why did I stay as long as I did?
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  I tried to get out multiple times, so then you have to analyze why did you not leave earlier.
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  Abusive relationships can make you cause and doubt your reality.
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  When you doubt your reality because you're an abusive relationship,
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  it's hard to rebuild your confidence in life because you don't really realize what is real anymore.
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  Sometimes you have to go back and you have a flashback of what happened in that
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  relationship, and certain things may trigger you, and you're going to have to
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  learn to be hypervigilant in working through anything that triggers you.
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  When you have a flashback, try to think of what the lesson is that you could
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  have learned now looking back from that trauma, because that's what flashbacks are.
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  Flashbacks are memories that affect us, especially if it makes you feel sick
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  in your stomach to think about. That's a trauma.
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  So then what you need to do is say, what can I learn from that traumatic lesson?
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  Because every trauma has a lesson to teach us. Do you need to create new boundaries?
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  Do you need to be more self-aware? Do you need to raise your standards?
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  Do you need to make sure that no one treats you like that again in the future?
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  If your spouse cheated on you, were there red flags that maybe next time you
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  will look for in friends or relationships?
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  EMDR is a wonderful treatment if you are in therapy as well.
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  So a lot of times, the way we allow people to treat us in relationships has
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  a lot to do with the way we were raised.
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  So if you had a traumatic childhood, you may allow for people to treat you worse
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  than you would have had you not.
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  Sometimes you need to go far back into your childhood, and EMDR is a way to do it.
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  It's kind of like an awake version of hypnosis, if you will.
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  It's something that they guide you through it, because I've actually had it
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  done. And it's a way to kind of make those bad feelings from the past.
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  They don't go away, but you can sit with them easier.
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  Think about that when you're thinking about how to heal from a traumatic relationship.
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  It's a struggle. And I will say the sooner you dive into it and the faster you
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  get to work, the easier it is.
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  I always like to say that the analogy that it's easy to rip the band-aid off.
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  So when you're struggling with sadness in your mind, the faster you can rip
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  that band-aid off, the faster you can heal. If you go slow, sometimes the Band-Aid gets stuck.
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  And if it gets stuck, sometimes you don't want to rip it off because you feel the pain.
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  If you go fast, it's quick, it's painful, but the pain goes away faster.
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  If you go slow, the pain endures.
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  So think about the ripped off Band-Aid and just rip the Band-Aid off and go straight forward.
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  When I was going through my divorce, I went into divorce coaching. I did do some EMDR.
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  I had a couple therapists. I actually went to one therapist and I wasn't getting enough out of her.
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  I felt like more I was her therapist than she was mine. So I switched therapists.
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  There's nothing wrong with switching therapists until you find the right one
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  that fits you. The other thing to do is to dive into working out.
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  I really do recommend highly working out quite often, at least five days a week
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  when you're going through a divorce.
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  It will help you with your endorphins, it will help you feel happier,
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  and it will help you press through some of the physical trauma that exists.
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  And there is a mind-body connection. So as you work out, you will find that
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  it relieves some of the depression, it relieves some of the pain,
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  and it makes you feel a little happier.
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  So if you're stuck after divorce or going through a traumatic relationship, go work out.
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  Create a workout routine that you can push yourself, and you will start to feel so much better.
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  I do also recommend working out in the sun, somewhere in nature,
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  somewhere that you can get outdoors, because the vitamin D will help your mood,
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  first of all, and there's something to say about nature.
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  I do also recommend long walks.
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  Something about the swaying back and forth helps the mindset just get into a peaceful mindset.
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  So the more you walk, the more peaceful you will actually feel.
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  So those are some tools that you can use to heart start healing right away.
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  I did divorce coaching too. So I did therapy and I did divorce coaching.
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  And I have noticed that there's divorce coaching for men and women out there.
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  You can do different types of divorce coaching. In fact, I will probably be
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  bringing a divorce coach onto the show to talk about what they do for women.
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  If you are a professional woman, there's divorce coaching for you.
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  If you're a stay-at-home mom, they have divorce coaching for that.
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  Because one thing you have to remember is we as women wrap a lot of our purpose
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  up into our relationships.
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  When you lose part of your purpose, you may feel lost mentally after you get divorced.
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  The best way to get back on your feet is to get a coach and to get a therapist.
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  And then the third thing that I did that I think really helped was I had an
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  energy healer that did Reiki and helped me walk through some of my issues as well.
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  Energy healing is very important when you feel depleted afterwards.
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  You're going to feel like part of your being got destroyed or killed and sucked
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  out of you and it's no longer there.
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  I come to the realization that that part of me is gone and I don't really want
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  it back because it was the part of me that allowed me to stay in a toxic relationship
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  or to put up with things that I shouldn't have.
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  So now that that part of me is gone, I feel more whole than I was before.
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  Sometimes leaving a relationship actually lets you let go of the part of you
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  that you don't like anymore anyway.
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  So realize that it is a challenge to heal, but healing, you're going to find
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  out, is a huge growth for you.
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  You're going to have to embrace change as well. When you leave a relationship,
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  a lot of things are going to be new.
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  You're going to have to learn a lot of new things. You're going to have to do
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  things on your own that maybe you didn't do before. And that change is going to help you grow.
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  And if you can create a growth and a change mindset, you're going to find that
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  you're a better person than you ever were in that relationship.
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  And I do recommend that you put together a 12-month plan.
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  And you try to get as much of it done in 12 months as possible.
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  You're going to want to work on your physical appearance. You're going to want
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  to work on your emotional side.
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  You're going to want to work on your mental side. And you're going to want to
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  work on your overall spiritual side.
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  I did also lean into God quite a bit when I was going through my divorce. And I still do.
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  I don't talk a lot about religion, but I'm extremely spiritual.
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  And I do believe that leaning into your spiritual side will help you heal.
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  When I found out about my ex-husband's affair, I was actually in Italy. It destroyed me.
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  I remember just walking for three, four hours a day, just going walking hills
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  and just I didn't want to go back to my hotel room. So I would just go out and walk.
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  And I felt like God was carrying me up those mountains and he was with me all
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  the way. Someone's there to help you.
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  It may not be that God's carrying you, but it may be that a friend's helping
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  you. But there's always people to help you.
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  And don't be bitter to those people because they're there to help.
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  And accept their help because sometime you might be there to help them.
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  And you will find that there will be certain friends that while you're going
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  through this are there more so than others.
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  And it may be the friends that weren't there before are suddenly some of your
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  best friends. So you will create new friendships as you go through this transition
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  of your life into your next chapter.
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  It's really your next adventure is what I like to refer to it as.
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  It's your next adventure.
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  Don't think of this closed chapter as anything other than your past or it's
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  the first series of your book.
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  And now you're writing the next series. Whatever helps you process it,
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  but it's done. It's over.
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  I'm not one of those types of people
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  that would want to go back into a relationship that ended like that.
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  Once it's done for me, it's done, and I'm good with that.
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  I want to move on, and I want to improve myself in ways that I don't think I
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  was able to when I was married. I enjoy being single.
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  I enjoy not being with a man right now.
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  That doesn't mean I never want to be with a man, but it means that I get to
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  work on me and I get to be happy.
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  Now, I'm a year and a half out of my divorce.
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  I do think that bringing up some of this on my podcast makes me revisit things,
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  but I also learn from everything I get to talk about and share with you.
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  I'm glad that I get to share it with you because I hope that it will help you grow.
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  I hope it will help you move on to your next level because trust me,
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  When you get past the pain and you get past the hurt and you actually look at
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  your life, your life is such a blessing.
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  The fact that you're here is such a blessing. The fact that you're on your own
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  is actually a blessing because you get to do whatever the heck you want to do now.
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  You get to be the person that maybe was held back. You get to be the person
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  that you thought you were before the marriage.
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  You might have lost yourself and now you get to be that person again.
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  There's also times when we lose our spouse. If you've had to go through the
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  death of a spouse, you may feel very alone.
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  At our age, there's a lot of people whose spouses die and they pass away.
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  When you lose a spouse, it's one of the biggest griefs you will ever have to have.
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  You need to understand that there are people out there and support groups that can help you.
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  But coaching and therapy can also be helpful. Dealing with the death of the
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  spouse is traumatic, and you have to understand that it is a grieving process.
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  You're going to get angry.
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  You're going to get sad. You're going to blame other people.
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  You're going to lash out. All the stages of grief happen.
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  But what you can do when you're dealing with the death of a spouse is you can
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  remember the good times.
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  You can reflect on the good times. And you can think back because you had a
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  great partner, and hopefully you're able to move on.
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  Keep living because that's one thing we always worry about
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  when a spouse dies don't forget to keep
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  living there's other people that love you there's friends
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  there's other family members you may still have children around and you have
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  to rewire parts of your brain just like when you have a spouse that has a divorce
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  with you it's very similar the whole process is very similar it's unthinkable
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  to think that you have to deal with the death of a spouse but just remember this you're strong.
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  And sometimes it might have been better that he passed away than you passed
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  away because he may not have been able to cope.
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  Sometimes we think to ourselves, could I have done more? Is there more that
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  I could have done to make sure that he was healthy?
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  Or is there more that we could have done in our lives together?
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  Did we miss out on things?
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  Don't think that way. Enjoy and remember the things that you had together.
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  If you have children, think of the children.
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  They were a blessing that you got from God.
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  Journaling is a big help. When you write down your feelings, journaling helps.
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  One thing when you are going through the grief of a spouse, writing things down,
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  things maybe you wish you had said, something helps when you put them down on paper.
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  You don't have to give them to your spouse because it's just there for you.
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  Your spouse realizes it, even if he's not with you.
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  I think one of the biggest things that we go through as adults is the loss of other people.
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  And sometimes people even lose their children. It is such a transitionary thing
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  that it hurts to your core.
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  Healing from that hurt is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
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  But as you grow through the healing, because you're going to grow so much,
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  after your spouse has died, you're going to find a new life.
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  And that new life is going to be fun.
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  When you get to the point where every morning you wake up and you feel joy, you know you've healed.
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  When you get to the point where you're looking at your life as a blessing, you know you've healed.
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  And even sometimes we need to forgive our spouse when they've left us,
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  when they've cheated on us, or even when they've died sometimes.
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  Some people get resentment towards their spouse. The forgiveness is for us.
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  It's not for anyone else.
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  The forgiveness is so we can move on.
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  The forgiveness is so we can focus on what the positive things are in life.
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  All the good, all the bounty, all the things we have going for us.
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  The fact that you can listen to this podcast is a blessing.
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  The fact that you live in this amazing country is a blessing.
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  The fact that you have friends, that you have family, all of that is a blessing.
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  The fact that you have a roof over your head is a blessing.
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  A phone to talk on. Remember the days when we only had house phones?
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  All of these things are blessings. I understand it may be lonely at times,
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  and loneliness is hard. But when you truly go inward and learn to love yourself,
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  you're no longer lonely.
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  If you need to do things to occupy your time, such as working out,
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  do that. Read a book, do that.
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  Start a new hobby. Maybe start a new company. Maybe grow in ways that you never expect to travel.
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  There's so much you can do. If you don't like being alone, there's single cruises you can go on.
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  If you don't want to be alone, there's dating apps. You can start dating.
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  Now, I will say the dating apps are quite challenging as an expert now.
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  They are quite challenging, and the quality of people may not be what you expected.
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  But if you want to, you can try it out. Go back to church if you haven't been going for a while.
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  Go meet people at church. Church is a great place to meet people.
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  Yes, you can meet people at different activities.
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  There are meet-up groups you can meet people at. But realize this.
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  I really do believe that you need to go inward and find out who you want to
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  be before you go looking outward for someone else.
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  If you go inward first, you're going to realize you don't want the same relationship
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  you had last time. No matter who it is, you want something new.
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  You don't want the same type of person last time.
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  You want something new. And that newness is going to be exciting,
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  and it can propel you forward. It can give you joy.
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  It can give you encouragement. It can give you a beautiful life that you never imagined.
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  And when you reach out to other people to help you, just give yourself grace.
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  Don't push it too soon. People and friends and family, they will always help you.
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  But don't rush it too soon because there's no rush to finding your next person.
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  Some people are like, oh my gosh, Diva Mia, you're in your 50s.
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  I realize that, but I'm not in my rush.
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  I look pretty darn good for my age, and I'm happy with who I am.
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  I love myself, and I will never let anyone into my life that disturbs my peace. This is Diva Mia.
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  I hope you have a wonderful life and life brings you joy. Signing off. Have a great week.
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  Thanks for tuning in. Like, subscribe, and drop a comment. We love hearing from you.
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