Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Strength of Adaptability: Exploring Authoritative Parenting | Ep. 123

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The Strength of Adaptability: Exploring Authoritative Parenting | Ep. 123 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hey there, amazing parents, Cheryl Lang here, and I'm excited to have you join us for another episode of the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:15
  Today, we're diving into the fascinating world of authoritative parenting, a style that blends adaptability, warmth, and structure.
• 0:27
  Join us as we peel back the layers of this approach, unveiling its strengths and practical strategies.
• 0:35
  From cultivating critical thinking skills to nurturing a collaborative bond grounded in mutual respect, we're here to provide you with actionable insights and valuable tips to empower you on your parenting journey.
• 0:51
  Get ready for a discussion that we hope will equip you with tools you need to thrive as a parent.
• 0:58
  Okay, let's jump in.
• 1:08
  Christy: Well, I saw something new this week.
• 1:11
  Christy: Oh, really?
• 1:12
  Christy: I was driving, sitting at a stoplight and saw a doggy school bus.
• 1:18
  Christy: What?
• 1:19
  Christy: It was a full on school bus and it said doggy school on it.
• 1:25
  Christy: Was it yellow and black?
• 1:26
  Christy: It was, it was black and white, but yes, a doggy school bus.
• 1:30
  Christy: And inside this school bus, there were dogs going to school.
• 1:34
  Christy: Did
• 1:35
  Ellen: they have, like, their owners with them sitting next to them?
• 1:38
  Christy: I didn't, I couldn't see that much.
• 1:39
  Christy: They drove by, you know, on the road, but there were definitely dogs in there.
• 1:44
  Christy: So they're sitting in their seats with little halters or I, I get, I mean, like I said, it drove right by, but there were dogs in there and I guess they were going to school is my, my goodness.
• 1:53
  Christy: That's like a
• 1:54
  Ellen: Nickelodeon show.
• 1:57
  Christy: The wheels on the dog bus.
• 1:59
  Christy: Exactly.
• 2:00
  Christy: Yeah.
• 2:00
  Christy: So I guess they pick them up at their home and take them to their little training place.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: I mean, you know, we've been talking about parenting styles Oh my goodness.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: There are so many dog training styles.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:13
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:14
  Ellen: That's true.
• 2:15
  Ellen: I know we had a, I mean, Um, we don't have really fancy dogs, we just have a Schnauzer and a Dachshund, but, um, I know years ago we did have a trainer come into our house and he worked with us, like, for three sessions.
• 2:27
  Ellen: And that was really helpful because we had a really, really disobedient strong willed Dachshund.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Oh, I thought it was the Boston Terrorist.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Oh.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Ha ha ha.
• 2:37
  Ellen: No, that was a dachshund.
• 2:38
  Ellen: Those are inherited.
• 2:40
  Ellen: Is there anything
• 2:41
  Cheryl: but a strong willed dachshund?
• 2:42
  Cheryl: No, they're very strong willed,
• 2:44
  Ellen: but they have to meet up with me.
• 2:47
  Christy: And you are an authoritarian dog parent.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: What's his name, the dog whisperer?
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Cesar Milan.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: You hit them and stuff.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: You don't hit them.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Yes, you do.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: You
• 3:01
  Ellen: tap them on the side of the neck and it breaks their train of thought when they're doing the wrong thing.
• 3:06
  Ellen: To get their attention.
• 3:07
  Ellen: That's the philosophy.
• 3:07
  Ellen: Okay.
• 3:08
  Ellen: You're not whacking them.
• 3:09
  Ellen: You're just doing that.
• 3:10
  Ellen: Right.
• 3:10
  Ellen: You know.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: But it's very interesting, but I just don't ever remember anybody doing things like this for their dogs.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Yeah, usually a
• 3:19
  Ellen: piece of paper, you know, newspaper, and you whack your dog with a newspaper.
• 3:23
  Ellen: And bop their
• 3:24
  Cheryl: nose.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Carol: But like
• 3:25
  Cheryl: my daughter with her standard poodle Rory, she has done, it's not permissive, but it's um, positive.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: So she says, only positive training.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: And it's been amazing.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: If you've been around him, he's brilliant.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: He can do.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: 30 or 40 tricks, um, and he's really well behaved, except when he's not, but he's really well behaved and it's only been positive over and over reinforcement.
• 4:00
  Cheryl: So it's been real heavy on her involvement, but I am impressed.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: But it just took her a long time.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: And you have
• 4:08
  Ellen: to have the time to do that.
• 4:10
  Ellen: That has to be the focus for quite a while.
• 4:13
  Ellen: And that's sometimes, that's why a dog trainer works good too.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Well, see, she says, I'm a dog trainer.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: I'm just positive.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: So she said if she started a uhh, school bus thing.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: It would be positively trained.
• 4:26
  Christy: Oh, okay! That's cute.
• 4:27
  Christy: I thought, oh that's a good name.
• 4:29
  Christy: P A W.
• 4:30
  Christy: Positively.
• 4:30
  Christy: Ohhhh, yay, Chrissy!
• 4:33
  Other: You get a gold star! I love
• 4:34
  Christy: a pun.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: So, this gets us into the next segment.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: Um, our subject on this series that we're doing on parenting styles, or focus and I thought it's been so interesting.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: To explore the different perspective and put names
• 4:51
  Christy: to it.
• 4:51
  Christy: Right.
• 4:52
  Christy: Yes.
• 4:52
  Christy: You know.
• 4:53
  Christy: And to appreciate differences.
• 4:55
  Christy: Yeah.
• 4:55
  Christy: I think in parenting that our children are different, our families are different.
• 4:59
  Christy: you know, to think through other people's perspectives.
• 5:00
  Ellen: Yes
• 5:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: So, we've covered three basic styles that are generally categorized, and so today we're going to look at a fourth, um, but before we get that, how about if we look at the three which we've already covered.
• 5:16
  Ellen: Well, the first one we did was authoritarian.
• 5:18
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:18
  Ellen: Which I can kind of relate to.
• 5:20
  Ellen: That's kind of my personality.
• 5:21
  Ellen: That's me.
• 5:22
  Ellen: I'm bossy.
• 5:22
  Ellen: And.
• 5:23
  Ellen: So, kind of give us
• 5:25
  Cheryl: just the parameters
• 5:26
  Ellen: of what that would look like.
• 5:27
  Ellen: Well, an authoritarian parent tends to be fairly structured.
• 5:31
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 5:32
  Ellen: They want their home and their children and their dogs structured.
• 5:36
  Ellen: They're, they tend to be rule centered.
• 5:38
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:39
  Ellen: You know, this is the rule.
• 5:40
  Ellen: Obey it.
• 5:41
  Ellen: Um, they tend to really focus on, and it's not bad, but respect for authority.
• 5:46
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:46
  Ellen: You were told to do that.
• 5:48
  Ellen: You know, so and so said to do that.
• 5:49
  Ellen: And they're usually fairly consistent because they know where they're going and how to get there.
• 5:56
  Ellen: Very good.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: And so, go back and listen, if you haven't heard it, there are pros and cons.
• 6:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:01
  Cheryl: And those
• 6:02
  Ellen: were just the pros.
• 6:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:03
  Ellen: But Yeah.
• 6:04
  Ellen: But characteristics.
• 6:06
  Ellen: But see, not everybody
• 6:07
  Cheryl: would say those are pros.
• 6:08
  Cheryl: True.
• 6:08
  Cheryl: They're just saying that's descriptive.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: But they do bring structure and security
• 6:14
  Carol: in
• 6:14
  Cheryl: a loving way.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Because we're not talking about the abuse of it.
• 6:19
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: It's not a free fall for sure.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: Well, if we don't have
• 6:22
  Ellen: a structure, we don't have a world.
• 6:24
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:25
  Christy: Mm-Hmm.
• 6:25
  Christy: It's culture.
• 6:25
  Christy: That's chaos.
• 6:27
  Christy: Well, one of the others we talked about was attachment parenting.
• 6:30
  Christy: Okay.
• 6:30
  Christy: And in that style that really focuses on building secure emotional bonds between parent and child, we talked about.
• 6:38
  Christy: How, how attachment theory, you know, attaching with your child is, is valuable and, and necessary, but this is a little bit different, um.
• 6:47
  Christy: So what do they prioritize?
• 6:49
  Christy: So they prioritize the, the child's emotions, the, the child's, um, emotional well being and, and desires
• 6:56
  Cheryl: and like we said before, we're saying everyone needs to be well Right.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: But this one.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: Um, values, responding to their children.
• 7:05
  Christy: Yes.
• 7:05
  Christy: And almost structuring your life in a way that that's the central focus of your family is emotional
• 7:12
  Ellen: bonds.
• 7:12
  Ellen: So at the end of the day, that parent might ask, how are my kids emotionally today?
• 7:16
  Ellen: Yes.
• 7:16
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:17
  Ellen: Yes.
• 7:17
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:17
  Ellen: Whereas I would say, did they obey me today?
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: That's great.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: Which makes a benefit that's much more clear cut.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Okay, and the other one we talked about we called permissive parenting.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: And so it values flexibility and emphasizes freedom and autonomy for the child.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: So rather than what authoritarians says, no, I will superimpose.
• 7:46
  Cheryl: My structure on you, permissive parenting says, I'm not going to do that.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: And I'm going to value the autonomy of the child and give them just a lot more freedom and then direct them without trying to take that away from them.
• 8:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:02
  Ellen: It's more free flowing.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: More free flowing and particularly allowing the child, uh, What I've heard them say is really respecting the child and instead of me imposing what I think on top of the child, which has its value.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: It's a little
• 8:18
  Christy: bit child led with some parameters.
• 8:22
  Christy: I
• 8:25
  Cheryl: would say, and I would say these two we just said are very child centric, where authoritarian wouldn't be.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: Okay, so the fourth one we're going to do, and I've even struggled when we began pulling all this together, and I looked out there to see what do the experts say.
• 8:46
  Cheryl: This fourth one, I don't like the name, and we already said it, everybody calls it authoritative parenting.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: But that sounds so much like authoritarian.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: It's very confusing.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: It's really hard.
• 8:58
  Cheryl: And not as clear.
• 9:01
  Cheryl: In describing what it is, and um, this characterized by, I would say clear expectations, a warmth, and then open communication.
• 9:14
  Cheryl: and consistency.
• 9:15
  Christy: Well, it seems to be that this style of parenting is looking at case by case basis.
• 9:22
  Christy: Pulling from more adapt, adaptive to the circumstance or the child.
• 9:27
  Christy: How
• 9:27
  Cheryl: about that?
• 9:27
  Cheryl: We call it
• 9:28
  Carol: adaptive parenting.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: Or adaptable?
• 9:31
  Cheryl: What would, adaptive parenting.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: Adaptive is good.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: This is good.
• 9:34
  Ellen: Because it adapts to the situation.
• 9:36
  Ellen: Circumstances and the child.
• 9:38
  Christy: Right.
• 9:38
  Christy: And it's kind of drawing from a toolbox of resources for each specific situation.
• 9:44
  Christy: Okay,
• 9:44
  Cheryl: maybe we can go on a TED Talk or maybe we can write our thesis or something coming up with this name because I think that's a really great way of describing it because it has structure and parameters but trying to adapt to the needs of the family and so forth while staying maybe.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: with, um, boundaries or bumpers, like in bowling, you know, when they put, they have those alleys and those, and you can put bumpers and it bounces back and forth.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:16
  Ellen: Well, you know, talking about adaptive, the um, the desert in the United States is changing.
• 10:22
  Ellen: How so?
• 10:23
  Ellen: Because, because the climate's changing, and they're getting more water, so the plants have adapted.
• 10:29
  Ellen: Really?
• 10:29
  Ellen: They haven't evolved because they're not changing their structure of who they are, but they've adapted themselves to be able to take in more water.
• 10:38
  Ellen: And so the deserts are starting to, not the deserts itself, but the, uh, the greenery is the other.
• 10:45
  Ellen: Thank you.
• 10:45
  Ellen: The vegetation is expanding more into the desert now across the globe.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: And so that is a good picture that as parents, I think it's, um, yeah, Very positive trait.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: To adapt to, to have your, they're still staying plants.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: They're not quitting being a cactus.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: But they're adapting to the situation for what helps you flourish more.
• 11:08
  Christy: Yes.
• 11:08
  Christy: Which, yeah, because as, As parents, you don't have to be a parent very long before you realize there's going to be circumstances you didn't expect to be in, or like children, yeah, or children, you didn't expect to throw you curveballs.
• 11:22
  Christy: And so you do have to adapt quite a bit.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: And one of the things, um, that, and again, we don't want to bring shame or condemnation, but I think some of the other styles we looked at, uh, And we talked about some of the weaknesses and balance, Can get off if it becomes an agenda.
• 11:41
  Other: Mm-Hmm.
• 11:42
  Other: yeah.
• 11:42
  Other: That
• 11:42
  Cheryl: this is my agenda.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: I will say, I'm gonna use my daughter that for this positive dog raising that it is an agenda.
• 11:52
  Other: Right?
• 11:52
  Cheryl: And if I speak a little harshly or I pull a little too hard on the leash, she'll say, no, mom, don't do that.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: instead do this.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: So she has a real solid agenda.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: Which, if this were a human being, it wouldn't bring much flexibility to it.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: And so, that's what I see sort of in this adaptive parenting.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: We've got our new word, girls.
• 12:16
  Cheryl: And adaptive parenting, that rather than agenda, it is a philosophy
• 12:21
  Other: and
• 12:21
  Cheryl: a long term view that And then moving the puzzle pieces within the bumpers
• 12:26
  Christy: or the boundaries.
• 12:28
  Christy: Right.
• 12:28
  Christy: I think I've shared this before on here, but, um, my, my first two children fell in line with my end towards authoritarian parenting pretty well.
• 12:40
  Christy: They responded well to what I had laid out for them.
• 12:45
  Christy: Then I my third child she definitely had some sensory need some sensory sensitivities and some sleep issues and and just a couple of things that were Through kinks in my system.
• 12:58
  Christy: Yeah, and being adaptive was necessary and I did not see that coming So I just think there's often times that we that we would do have to pivot
• 13:09
  Cheryl: And so instead of saying wide open adaptability and we just wake up and
• 13:14
  Carol: whatever
• 13:14
  Cheryl: happens Let's talk about more would be different aspects that we would say?
• 13:20
  Cheryl: Adaptive parenting, what would make it up where we're saying this is the general structure or sort of like scaffolding, maybe,
• 13:32
  Other: you
• 13:32
  Cheryl: know, not like solid bars, like authoritarian, we would say might be pretty strong cast iron bars to have scaffolding.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: So what would you say some of the things she would speak into if we were, you know, Going on TED Talk, and we were talking about adaptive parenting,
• 13:50
  Christy: well, I think one thing I heard recently that I, I feel communicates it well is, um, having expectations over having rules.
• 13:59
  Christy: Yeah.
• 13:59
  Christy: Wow.
• 13:59
  Christy: And they talked about expectations being something you're calling your children up to.
• 14:06
  Christy: And I loved that.
• 14:07
  Christy: Perspective, because you're admitting it's going to be a process for them to rise to that occasion, to rise to that expectation.
• 14:16
  Christy: And rules are so black and white, they can be broken.
• 14:20
  Christy: And there's not a lot of room there for growth and for grace and for walking them through the process of owning those values for themselves and internalizing.
• 14:31
  Christy: So I just really liked that distinction.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: I do like it because
• 14:37
  Carol: life is process.
• 14:38
  Carol: Yeah.
• 14:39
  Carol: Mm hmm.
• 14:39
  Carol: thinking of it as expectations that have flexibility in them.
• 14:44
  Carol: And And we adapt and help them to grow It's really good.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: Well, and it's more
• 14:50
  Christy: holding your hand, your child's hand on the path of their journey towards that expectation rather than this is the rule, you broke it.
• 14:58
  Christy: You failed.
• 14:59
  Christy: Not quite as harsh.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: Okay, and so I'm listening to you thinking about what the difference is because in adaptive parenting you're giving them support Yeah, that's a good way.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Calling them up to an expectation, but there's support whereas just rules Well, were you in by nine o'clock?
• 15:16
  Cheryl: No, bam.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Yes,
• 15:18
  Ellen: or permissive.
• 15:19
  Ellen: It's just so
• 15:19
  Cheryl: whatever,
• 15:20
  Ellen: right?
• 15:20
  Ellen: So they don't even know what they're working towards.
• 15:22
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: That's a weakness of that type of parenting.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: What else?
• 15:27
  Cheryl: You
• 15:27
  Ellen: Well, I think, you know, um, I, I kind of liked the warmth and support idea because it took me, I, I wasn't that way with my first two.
• 15:37
  Ellen: I was very authoritarian, you know, and it was like, you know, I told you to do this.
• 15:40
  Ellen: Why didn't you do this?
• 15:41
  Ellen: I really don't care why you didn't do this.
• 15:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:44
  Ellen: Rather with my other kids, I sort of started to learn, oh, ask them what were they thinking?
• 15:49
  Ellen: Why did they do that?
• 15:50
  Ellen: Or, you know, do you understand what we're asking you to do?
• 15:53
  Ellen: It just, it just.
• 15:55
  Ellen: Um, allows for a warmer relationship with your children because you're, you know, they feel like they're heard and not just told.
• 16:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 16:02
  Ellen: That's so
• 16:02
  Cheryl: good.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: I think this would lend towards much better communication.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:08
  Cheryl: Because communication is give and take.
• 16:10
  Cheryl: And so I think in the others.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: There's not as much give and take, And there's
• 16:16
  Ellen: a time and place for each of these.
• 16:18
  Ellen: Yes.
• 16:18
  Ellen: I mean, when you have a five year old, you have to be an authoritarian and say, this is how we cross the road.
• 16:24
  Ellen: There isn't a black and white on how we do this.
• 16:26
  Ellen: Right.
• 16:26
  Ellen: Well, but
• 16:27
  Cheryl: instead of being, that's authoritarian, that's an adaptive parenting.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: We go, this is the place for a rule, not a flexible consideration.
• 16:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:36
  Christy: But with that communication, you're You're communicating to the five year old, I'm actually empowering you with this rule.
• 16:44
  Christy: Like this is equipping you because someday I'm going to have to release you to cross roads by yourself and I need you to know how to do it safely.
• 16:53
  Ellen: And it's the same, um, you know, uh, with relationships because with say an authoritarian Relationships can be pretty black and white.
• 17:04
  Ellen: You know, this, this adult or this figure had told you to do this.
• 17:09
  Ellen: They're the authority.
• 17:10
  Ellen: You have to do the new questions.
• 17:12
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:12
  Ellen: This teaches your child how to ask questions, but still be respectful, which is a really important learning skill rather than I don't want to do that.
• 17:21
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:22
  Ellen: You know, to say, Oh, wow.
• 17:23
  Ellen: How am I supposed to cross the road?
• 17:26
  Ellen: You know, and Just kind of being able to ebb and flow in that area.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: And you used really good words, equipping and empowering, and I think that's what we are promoting is we want to equip and empower with some structure in there.
• 17:42
  Christy: Right.
• 17:42
  Christy: And you're perfect.
• 17:43
  Christy: That's.
• 17:43
  Christy: You're giving them these critical thinking skills.
• 17:46
  Christy: Yes.
• 17:46
  Christy: That they need.
• 17:47
  Christy: Yeah.
• 17:47
  Christy: And you know, we've talked about with the other styles, how they lead towards releasing our children from day one.
• 17:54
  Christy: Yeah.
• 17:55
  Christy: And I, I really see that being one of the pros of the style of working towards release as you get more and more involved.
• 18:02
  Christy: Incrementally, let go of, of that control of, you know, the, like the authoritarian parent would have.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: And I think, like in the area of correction, uh, some people use the word discipline, but discipline has a connotation to it.
• 18:17
  Other: Mm-Hmm.
• 18:18
  Other: yeah
• 18:18
  Cheryl: So let's say correction, in some parenting styles they don't want to superimpose correction on the child or they're totally superimposing correction
• 18:29
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:29
  Ellen: Yes
• 18:30
  Carol: And so particularly in authoritarian, the approach is often punitive.
• 18:33
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:33
  Ellen: That's true.
• 18:34
  Carol: Right.
• 18:35
  Carol: There is a lot of correction, direction, and training that goes on in adaptive parenting but what you're talking about.
• 18:43
  Carol: It's discussions and there are consequences and you follow through on the consequences, so The approach is not punitive.
• 18:52
  Carol: But instructive Mm
• 18:53
  Other: hmm.
• 18:54
  Ellen: Yeah
• 18:55
  Carol: Right.
• 18:55
  Christy: Right.
• 18:56
  Christy: That's really interesting.
• 18:57
  Christy: You say that because, you know, we talked, I think, at the beginning of the series about kind of the places we come from in our parenting.
• 19:04
  Christy: And there really is this pendulum swing that we see from one to another.
• 19:09
  Christy: And I think this adaptive parenting is.
• 19:12
  Christy: The pendulum settling in the middle to pull from the pros of all of these different techniques.
• 19:18
  Other: Yeah,
• 19:19
  Christy: pendulum parenting.
• 19:23
  Ellen: Well, I've done that too.
• 19:25
  Cheryl: Well, that is the problem.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:28
  Cheryl: It depends on my mood.
• 19:29
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: And then the children don't know what to expect.
• 19:32
  Christy: Right.
• 19:33
  Christy: Well, and you had said you've even heard from parents that That, that say, oh, I think I'm a blend between authoritarian and permissive and I relate with that a lot because a lot of my parenting was trying to be authoritarian and then because I really wanted control and I wanted order and I wanted structure.
• 19:52
  Christy: But then when it didn't work, I would just give up and, and be exhausted and say, fine, just do whatever you want.
• 19:58
  Christy: You're going to argue anyway, you know, and, and so it was that, it was that pendulum swing a lot of times in my house.
• 20:05
  Carol: What we're talking about here, particularly thinking about instead of punitive punishment, I really like the idea of equipping with responsibilities and then holding them accountable.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: Because one of the things we've talked about is, uh, you get your first job at McDonald's, they don't want to adapt to how you're feeling today.
• 20:24
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 20:25
  Cheryl: So they give you responsibility and they're holding you accountable.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: Well, that's why you got fired.
• 20:29
  Other: Yeah.
• 20:30
  Carol: And so, I like those words, that would describe how we do it, that you have these clear cuts, this is what you're being expected, do you understand, yes, and then we hold you accountable.
• 20:43
  Carol: not punitive
• 20:44
  Cheryl: Or how you're feeling today And that's real life training.
• 20:48
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:48
  Cheryl: And it leaves
• 20:48
  Ellen: the choice up to them, because in the end, when everything's said and done for each of us as individuals, we are making our choices.
• 20:55
  Ellen: And hopefully, uh, You've trained or your training your children that there's consequences, whatever style that you use, because that's the complaint that you're hearing from.
• 21:05
  Ellen: Businesses like McDonald's.
• 21:07
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 21:07
  Ellen: That the kids come in to get a job and then they're told to do something.
• 21:10
  Ellen: Well, I don't, I don't mop floors.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:13
  Cheryl: right.
• 21:14
  Ellen: Like, well then you don't work here.
• 21:16
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:17
  Ellen: And
• 21:17
  Cheryl: so, but I like the flexibility of your giving them choices.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: you know, it's your choice
• 21:22
  Christy: and it's a respectful way Oh yes.
• 21:25
  Christy: To interact with your children.
• 21:27
  Christy: And it really, it agrees.
• 21:29
  Christy: So, in some ways, with the permissive parent, in giving the child some autonomy, but holding their feet to the fire, so to speak, in giving a consequence for the benefit of them growing into a respected adult.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: And learning, my choices have consequences.
• 21:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:48
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: or benefits True.
• 21:50
  Cheryl: Because some of the others, if there's no consequence, how are they going to learn that their choices are important?
• 21:57
  Cheryl: Or Mm hmm.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: If, like an authoritarian, everything's superimposed, they don't have a lot of choices.
• 22:05
  Cheryl: They're not learning.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: You know, you were talking about walking through learning how to make choices and um, the pros and cons.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: You were talking about a cost benefit ratio.
• 22:17
  Cheryl: All of these things.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: That takes conversation, and that takes, this is clear what's being expected of you, and then here clearly what's going to happen with your choices, good or
• 22:30
  Christy: bad.
• 22:30
  Christy: Right.
• 22:32
  Christy: You know, another pro I think that comes from this style is, talking about respecting our kids, listening to them, listening to their viewpoints and their world, and it brings an amount of cultural relevance.
• 22:47
  Cheryl: Okay, talk about that, I like that.
• 22:49
  Christy: Well, I, I just think, Um, you know, maybe not so much when our kids are young, but definitely as they grow older and move into adulthood, which that whole season is very fresh on my mind at all times because I'm in it.
• 23:02
  Christy: She just graduated her baby.
• 23:04
  Christy: My baby, yes.
• 23:05
  Christy: I'm officially finished with all school things, so that's great.
• 23:10
  Christy: I want to remain involved in their lives as they're adults and, and I think the good way to do that is to stay relevant to what their cultural context is.
• 23:21
  Christy: True.
• 23:22
  Christy: And having these conversations, the open communication, the respect for them, I feel like is a really good way to stay in their world and to have some weight and influence in, in their lives.
• 23:35
  Christy: And I, I think that's what this style is really good at.
• 23:39
  Ellen: And cause as a parent, or even for myself as a grandparent, if you don't know the stuff your kids was up against culturally, cause it was different than what I was up against at their age.
• 23:50
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:51
  Ellen: And, and some of the conflicts, uh, of values.
• 23:55
  Ellen: are introduced so much earlier than when maybe Cheryl and I were, and probably you too, Christy, you know.
• 24:02
  Ellen: And so that plays a big role in how you view everything, because I think that the um, adaptive parent, because you're communicating, one thing I learned, and I wish I had learned it from the beginning, but that's how you learn, was to take a few moments and go, okay, I need to think about it.
• 24:19
  Ellen: Because I would usually react, you know, and so,
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Oh, we all do.
• 24:24
  Ellen: If you have.
• 24:25
  Ellen: Times where you can actually talk with your child or your teen or your young adult and then you can say, I just need a few minutes.
• 24:33
  Ellen: Let me go think about that.
• 24:34
  Ellen: And I would ground myself to the bedroom so I could go in there and just think in quiet and go, okay, I see what they're saying.
• 24:41
  Ellen: I don't know.
• 24:42
  Ellen: I feel uncomfortable.
• 24:43
  Ellen: Why do I feel uncomfortable?
• 24:44
  Ellen: You know, and work through that process.
• 24:46
  Christy: Versus authoritarian where it's just, this is the way it is and we're not budging.
• 24:52
  Christy: Right.
• 24:52
  Christy: I feel like adaptive thinks more from their perspective, their experiences, their viewpoint and says, okay, I can see where this would be a real challenge in their circumstance.
• 25:04
  Christy: Sure.
• 25:04
  Christy: How could we meet in the middle somewhere?
• 25:06
  Christy: Yeah.
• 25:06
  Christy: Like
• 25:07
  Cheryl: a lot of the authoritarian decisions are out of fear.
• 25:10
  Cheryl: Oh, if we talk about them, they're going to think I'm promoting something that I don't agree with.
• 25:16
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:16
  Cheryl: Instead of we're having real.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: Dialogue and it goes back to the respect.
• 25:22
  Cheryl: I see so much respect in that.
• 25:24
  Cheryl: Yeah, and I'm listening to you We're talking about it.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: And then as an adult, I will make the decision as the parent I have to make a decision this I've heard what you have to say.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: We're talking about it with respect.
• 25:38
  Other: Mm hmm,
• 25:39
  Cheryl: and then Um, I may have to make the decision or my decision is I leave it up to you.
• 25:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:44
  Cheryl: And have you weighed the pros and cons?
• 25:47
  Cheryl: Because you'll have to pay the consequences.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: And
• 25:50
  Christy: they can make an informed
• 25:51
  Cheryl: choice.
• 25:51
  Christy: Yes.
• 25:51
  Christy: Because you've shared with them the consequences you see coming down the road.
• 25:55
  Christy: And I think, I think kids respond well to that in my experiences.
• 26:01
  Christy: When they feel heard, when they feel seen, when they feel acknowledged and they say even if I don't like.
• 26:05
  Christy: Right.
• 26:06
  Christy: They're just my mom's decision or my dad's decision.
• 26:09
  Christy: They listen to me.
• 26:10
  Christy: Yeah, and they're making that decision based on their wisdom.
• 26:14
  Cheryl: Christy, isn't that the way we're supposed to treat everybody?
• 26:17
  Cheryl: Right, yeah.
• 26:18
  Cheryl: You know that there's no other.
• 26:20
  Christy: Yeah.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: You know, and I want to hear and see even if we disagree.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: Let's have dialogue about it.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: And in this case, we have a, Bigger goal because we want to talk and, and our values are important, but present culture proves you cannot superimpose a belief system necessarily that's going to take.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: In fact, it's very much in fashion to reject whatever's been put on top of you.
• 26:46
  Cheryl: I think that the conversation in this is respect.
• 26:51
  Cheryl: I think this is respectful parenting.
• 26:53
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's a really
• 26:54
  Ellen: good term for it.
• 26:55
  Ellen: Cause this is.
• 26:56
  Ellen: As a reformed authoritarian, and my husband's not, my children would usually be grounded for a year for something, and then when he got home, he had to unground, or I had to go in and say, sorry guys, we've taken it before the committee, exactly.
• 27:13
  Ellen: The boss said, you don't have to be grounded for a year, just till tomorrow.
• 27:18
  Cheryl: And so, we are out of time, uh, and I'm looking at trying to even think of.
• 27:26
  Cheryl: A negative to this, I will say, particularly compared to authoritarian, it's time consuming.
• 27:33
  Cheryl: Because you have to sit, I mean, relationships, if they're developed, it's time consuming.
• 27:39
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 27:40
  Ellen: That's true.
• 27:41
  Carol: Right.
• 27:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:42
  Cheryl: And.
• 27:43
  Cheryl: It's going to require more flexibility.
• 27:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 27:46
  Cheryl: And the other thing is potential for conflict.
• 27:49
  Cheryl: True.
• 27:50
  Cheryl: Because, uh, I see in some who have permissive parenting or attachment parenting, there's a lot less conflict because you're not pushing back.
• 28:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 28:00
  Cheryl: You're allowing the child to kind of make the decisions.
• 28:03
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 28:04
  Cheryl: So there's, There's less conflict, but you're missing out on all the strengths that we talked about.
• 28:10
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:10
  Ellen: And I think adaptive is good because it gives both people time, the child and the parent.
• 28:15
  Ellen: Cause I learned later on in parenting, my younger children to say, you go in your room and you think about some of the things we talk about and I'm going to think about it.
• 28:24
  Ellen: Then you can come back together and talk, you know, so they're helping learn how to make choices.
• 28:29
  Ellen: Cause that's what they're doing.
• 28:30
  Ellen: The center of this is, let's think about, because that's a skill we're really losing in our culture is critical thinking.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: We have to go, but because you're saying this, there's so much to say here.
• 28:42
  Cheryl: What if we came back next time and we had some scenarios
• 28:47
  Other: and then you go, okay, here's a
• 28:48
  Cheryl: scenario.
• 28:49
  Cheryl: You're four year old, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
• 28:51
  Cheryl: And then we'll say, How would we handle it based on, based on what your style is?
• 28:57
  Cheryl: What do you all think about it?
• 28:58
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 28:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:58
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: Oh, good.
• 29:00
  Cheryl: So listeners, be sure and come back.
• 29:01
  Cheryl: Stick with us.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: And, uh, Oh, I'm looking forward to that.
• 29:05
  Cheryl: That'd be so much fun.
• 29:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:06
  Ellen: I can role play that I'm a, um, permissive.
• 29:09
  Ellen: You can be any kind of hearer you want to be.
• 29:12
  Ellen: I'm
• 29:12
  Christy: looking forward to hearing.
• 29:14
  Christy: Okay.
• 29:14
  Christy: Ellen, try to be permissive.
• 29:15
  Christy: Oh, be a permissive.
• 29:16
  Christy: A permissive, yes.
• 29:18
  Christy: Oh.
• 29:20
  Cheryl: So, whatever your style, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 29:34
  As we wrap up today's exploration of adaptive parenting, I'm so glad that you joined us here at TPP and have been a part of this conversation.
• 29:44
  Throughout our discussion, it became evident that our team sees tremendous value in what we believe may be a more balanced approach to parenting, because we see it as a blend of the strengths drawn from the other various studies.
• 29:59
  So what resonated with you the most?
• 30:02
  Was it the idea of introducing more structure while preserving your relationships?
• 30:10
  Or perhaps it was the emphasis on cultivating warmth and deeper connections in your interactions.
• 30:17
  Or maybe you recognize the importance of fostering more mutual respect within your family dynamics.
• 30:25
  Whatever spoke to you, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect and consider how you can actively integrate it into your daily life So, as we journey through parenting styles, please know that your questions, insights, and experiences are invaluable to us.
• 30:44
  So, reach out to us through our website, social media channels, or email us at contact at the parenting podcast dot com.
• 30:55
  Until we meet again, take care and keep cherishing those precious family bonds.