Latest / iRefresh Podcast / EP 74 Loneliness from Different Perspectives - Maggie, Isabell, Lisa and Kasey

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EP 74 Loneliness from Different Perspectives - Maggie, Isabell, Lisa and Kasey · iRefresh Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello everyone and thank you so much for tuning in to iFresh today. Today we're going to be talking about loneliness. And today with us is Casey Price, Lisa Finnamore, Isabel Bowling, and Maggie Bond. Thank you guys. Take it away.
• 0:16
  Well, I think that each and every one of us can say, like without a shadow of doubt, that we have all experienced loneliness. And if you hadn't, you definitely did in this last year, without a shadow of doubt. No matter what life circumstance you came from, your background, race, creed, whatever, every single person in the world experienced loneliness. And as ironic as that is, loneliness is isolating, but we're all united in the fact that we experienced loneliness.
• 0:45
  Totally. Yeah, I know when I went through the pandemic I'm in college so a bunch of friends and I kind of formed a pandemic squad and we used to do drive-in movies at my house and so we had a projector and we set up the Chronicles of Narnia of the movie and we like pulled in our cars and I watched it in the in our cars on the on the driveway and I think that
• 1:09
  And Casey, you have a really interesting story about coming out of college and still being lonely. Tell us a little more about that. So for me, my lonely season kind of started right after college. I had started at OU, and when I came home...
• 1:26
  Um, about halfway through OU, I came home to finish in Tulsa. And so after graduation, I was kind of in a weird place because my college friends, you know, had been together for four years and, um, my lifelong friends were kind of in a season of, you know, people were dating and they were in engagement seasons or looking to get married. All of my cousins were married and had kids. My little brother was in a serious relationship. And so I was kind of like in this weird in between, um,
• 1:53
  season where I just kind of felt lonely at times, left out in certain areas. And so that season kind of turned into a pruning season where I felt like the Lord, you know, really was fine tuning areas in my life that weren't of him, that he was asking me to be able to lay those down. And so I.
• 2:13
  you know, in that season, pressing into the Lord and being open to see what He had for me in that time was really looking back, you know, the purpose of me going through that time. Yeah. I just think that like transitioning into college is an isolating experience. Coming out of college is an isolating experience. And you're supposed to find
• 2:36
  your lifelong friends and your lifelong community there. And maybe you do for the whole entire time that you're there, but then when you come out, like it all simmers away and things change. People move back to where they came from and everything changes. And I think you mentioned that you had an experience with that, with friendships specifically. Yeah, it was a difficult time for sure. You know, friendships that I thought
• 3:06
  I had spent a lot of time in and invested in, which is just normal in friendships. We kind of go through phases of friendships and I really believe that people are placed in our life sometimes for certain seasons and so,
• 3:20
  But when you go through those pruning seasons or when you feel like maybe you need to step back from a friendship, it can be a really lonely time because it's people that you have been sharing your life with and then they're not in your life anymore. And so it's kind of an isolating time. I know, Isabelle, you kind of experienced that.
• 3:39
  On the flip side, right? Going into college, I came from a really good community back in Denver. I'm a pastor's kid. And so growing up, I kind of had my village that raised me. And there was a couple of key families that we all were just a community and super close knit. And when I came to college, everyone had said, you'll find your lifelong friends, like you'll make all these friends. And I didn't make a lot of friends my freshman year of college. And I was very alone and very confused. And
• 4:09
  Just kind of asking God all these questions, but the Lord really showed me in the past couple years the difference between loneliness and solitude and what it means to be alone with Him and really who He is as a friend. And so Jesus and I became best friends. We go to the movies together. We hang out.
• 4:29
  And that has just been an area where God has been giving me a lot of grace of finding out who I am, loving myself so that I can kind of love other people. And also finding people who are feeling lonely at the same time as me. And I know, Lisa, that's something that you kind of are passionate about.
• 4:46
  Yeah, well, both of your stories have to do with college. I kind of didn't do the whole college thing because instead I got married and had babies, and I was like, who needs college? And now I'm past the marriage. Well, I mean, I'm still married, but the baby. I'm not over the marriage. My children are in school now. And so now I'm like, okay, should I go back to college? So it's funny how it all comes full circle. We could room together. We could room together. Let's be roomies. Let's do it.
• 5:14
  So as a mother and most of my friends, I think all experience seasons of loneliness as a young mother because your life becomes the children in so many ways. And it's really easy to kind of neglect who you are. And all of the focus is on the children.
• 5:32
  And I can recall one moment in particular. I have a good group of friends, but we rarely all get together. And there was this concert and we all decided to go. It was Taylor Swift because there's nothing that can get some 30-somethings together except Taylor Swift.
• 5:51
  She's the best. Yeah, no, absolutely. And Adrian, really. I just wanted to belt out those great high school memories. So we road tripped, we had a few different cars, and everyone in the car, like we took that moment to just go deep right away. I think when you don't get to see people that often, it's really easy just to be like, hitting the hard topics right away. So we were just jumping into some really great conversation, and I remember at one point saying,
• 6:19
  this is so refreshing, like it's just so good to be with you guys. Like, I know you all hang out all the time, but I feel like I don't see you very often. And they were like, we don't hang out all the time. And then the driver was like, I don't hang out with anybody. And the other girls in the car were like, no, we really don't. You think we hang out? I'm like, isn't everybody doing stuff on Friday nights? They're like, no, are you? And it was kind of this realization.
• 6:44
  They weren't saying it, but what we were all saying in different ways is that we experience loneliness, like that FOMO, the fear of missing out, feeling like everyone else is doing stuff, everybody else has really deep, meaningful relationships, and I'm the only one that doesn't. And as I reflected on that conversation in the car, I thought, why is that? And the thing that really came up to me was just intentionality. And I think in every season of loneliness,
• 7:13
  we have to kind of get outside of ourselves and think intentionally in relationships. And just like you at college, coming out of having this community at home and a new season of college, and I know you're gonna kind of talk about your stuff too,
• 7:29
  You know, we all go through this moment of like, okay, who do I want to be friends with? Who am I? Who has God created me to be? I think those are the intentional conversations and that we can focus for intentional relationships. Does that make sense? And it's so important to have that community aligned with where you want to end up.
• 7:47
  because you become who you hang out with. Yes. Yeah, for sure. And I think we've had discussions before, Casey, because we were both in that season of we don't have a significant other or we might be dating and just figuring it out. But it's very, very different to walk in that season when all the people around you are getting married. But, you know, there's a flip side to everything. I'd much rather be single than be in a relationship that is toxic and bad. And
• 8:16
  You're just in it to be with somebody and have companionship. But I'd be curious to hear more, you know, just us to bounce back and forth about just our experiences with that, because that's hard. Yeah. And I think, you know, it's the longings that we have in our heart that really sometimes drive us to Christ. Yeah.
• 8:34
  And, you know, you and I in our seasons of like, okay, Lord, where's your husband? And that's our, my, especially I've, you know, my whole life I've always have wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be married. That's like, you know, and so that longing that you have, you know, it's what drives you to pursue the Lord. And so, you know, a lot of times when we cry out to the Lord, it's from those deep places in our heart and you're, you know, where we're wanting something to change in our life or we're wanting, um,
• 9:03
  you know, the Lord to move in a certain area. And so I think too, just knowing and remembering that like the Lord can handle, you know, our heartbreak, the Lord can handle the cries that we have out to Him.
• 9:17
  I think there's so many things that we can do in a lonely season and outlets that we can reach out to. But choosing to press into the Lord and choosing to say, OK, Lord, what's the purpose in this season that you're having me go through? And choosing to spend time in his word and let him and the Holy Spirit fill you on how to guide you in that season.
• 9:40
  And I think bouncing off what you had said earlier, you said something about how you are learning to be with God in your seasons of loneliness and how like that season actually brought you closer to him. And I think I found, especially in this last year, but just over the past maybe year and a half or three since being out of college.
• 9:58
  So I have so many friends that I grew up with in church. One of them went with me to college. I mean, we've been there for each other through every season. And I found these moments where I felt distance from these people that I was really close with. And I was like, is there something wrong between us?
• 10:13
  And I kept asking that question, like insecure that, that something was wrong. And I just started to realize like nothing was wrong. It was just that I wasn't content with being in my season or being alone, being on my own. Everybody else was kind of moving forward, doing like going into their seasons. And I was in the season of transition. Like I don't have a fiance like my best friends do. I don't have a wedding to plan and all of these different things. So I was like, I have other goals that I'm going after. Yeah.
• 10:41
  Um, so I just found that in that, in light of that, it did bring me into a situation where I pressed more into God and realized I wasn't content with who I was in him and finding my companionship in him. I was depending and leaning on everybody in my life to fulfill that companionship, but people aren't perfect. Like people will always let you down to some extent, just because we're imperfect. We're not, we're not Jesus, but Jesus is the perfect companion. Awesome.
• 11:12
  I was thinking about just confidence when you were talking about that and how I've noticed kind of a flaw in myself that a lot of times I let...
• 11:23
  when I don't feel confident to reach out or I don't feel like I have anything to offer that relationship or this person is so amazing and I'm just a mom right now or this person can cook really good and I cook chicken nuggets. It's like there's always something that oftentimes holds me back from building relationships that I have a genuine interest in building. Have you ladies ever felt that way? It's like it almost holds me back at times. Or that you talked yourself out of it because you thought, well, they're not going to be interested in me.
• 11:51
  Oh my gosh, I had the exact same experience. I'm a theology major, and I just had such, like I was terrified of everybody in my major. I was like, we're all in the same classes, and we're all in competition with each other for this, like the best grade, or who's going to be a pastor first. But then God really spoke to my heart and was like, these are people that I've placed in your life for a reason. Like...
• 12:14
  be with these people. And we're not in competition at the end of the day, like especially something that I'm passionate about is like women in ministry. Like women in ministry are not in competition with each other. Like we're there to like spur each other on. And so kind of dying to that instinct in yourself of like we have to fight each other, but saying, no, I'm lonely and I know that they're lonely too, and we're going to move forward in this friendship. And there's not enough women in ministry. I mean, like we all have to team up together and speak the word and live out the word.
• 12:43
  and encourage one another, especially women who are growing into being pastors. You're right. Like, the moment competition comes into the conversation,
• 12:54
  you have lost the vision of what it really means to function united. That's very isolating. When it becomes competition, then you're setting yourself up for loneliness because then you're an island, you're in a lane and you think everyone else is in the same lane and you gotta get there. But there's a lane for everybody. God made a lane for everybody. And yeah, when we take it from that perspective of a competition, it becomes
• 13:21
  Yeah, isolating. And I am an athlete. Like, I do compete, too. I mean, I've competed beyond athleticism, too. But in these places and spaces, I did, you know, competitions and pageants and whatnot for years, too. And yeah.
• 13:36
  And that's, I mean, ironically isolating too. I mean, you get surrounded by all these incredible women. They're incredibly well-spoken and incredibly beautiful. And it's like only one person wins. But the moment, and that's the biggest lesson that I learned, I think, from that season is the moment you bring competition into it.
• 13:53
  And you think of it as you're competing with these women instead of collaborating with them. Because really, at the end of the day, that's kind of the goal to team up with the women that you're with and you're surrounded with so that you can all make a difference together. We can't make a difference by ourselves.
• 14:10
  But so many people put that pressure on themselves. And so I definitely did that for the longest time until I just got out of that mindset. And that's intentionality too. You have to take yourself out of that mindset and say, no, I'm not gonna think about it this way. And take action of the opposite of what you would have done and say, I'm gonna encourage the girls around me who feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna do their hair if my hair isn't done. I'm gonna help them put on their makeup or whatever. And I'm gonna hype them up before they go out there or whatever that looks like.
• 14:40
  So yeah, we definitely need to team up. And I think too, as women, it's easy to get insecure in yourself. And sometimes that keeps you from reaching out to others. You know, when you all were talking about.
• 14:51
  different friendships and how, you know, it's like, well, what do I have to bring to this friendship? Or you look at other groups of friends and you're like, well, they're so close. There's not really room for me in this group. And, you know, I think it goes back to knowing our value and our worth in Christ and knowing that, you know, as Christians, we're all called to love. And so just being bold in our identity as women and sharing love, you know, with the people around us and not letting those insecurities hold you back from being intimate.
• 15:21
  But women are so, you know, we are, and that's isolating too, is that we are so, uh, prone to, to that, to being insecure, to letting our insecurities get the best of us, jealousy and all of those different things. So I think that is so vital that we always take it back and constantly have to remind ourselves who we are in Christ.
• 15:45
  Because I think that helps center us into, wait, I am worthy. So that group of friends over there, I am worthy of friendship. That guy over there who, you know, wants to ask me on on a date, I am worthy of love. I am worthy. Yeah. And I think that helps sever out some decisions that could be made that aren't.
• 16:03
  so positive in those areas. Yeah, totally. I want you to explain a little bit about your story. Yeah. I mean, I've heard from everybody, but you really have a great story about loneliness and growing up. I, yeah, so I have a very interesting and unique experience, what I came from. So I'm a quadruplet.
• 16:24
  which means four kids at the same time. Awesome, my mother is a champion for that. But at the end of the day, it's really cool to be a quad and say, hey, yeah, there's four of me. But growing up, it wasn't necessarily easy. I had three brothers, so I was the only girl. Well, that's isolating. And two of my brother live with disabilities too. And so coming from these different angles and how these affect family,
• 16:51
  families in general, those were all isolating experiences because there was not a kid in my class who I could say, like, was a multiple or had a sibling, multiple siblings with disabilities. It takes a toll. And I think I look back now and I don't know if any of you guys have experiences where
• 17:13
  you look back on how you grew up and then you realize, oh my gosh, that's why I went through what I did or why I made a choice that I did. But that isolation that I felt as a kid, instead of addressing it, you said, no, but like, instead of addressing it and, and,
• 17:31
  constructing it and healing it, I distracted myself through different things, through getting hyper-involved in church. And that's a good thing, but if you're not addressing your own issues, it's not positive for you. High competition, being in sports and constantly trying to force community into my life. I was constantly doing that. And all of those experiences ended up
• 17:59
  creating this toxicity to where because of this lack of identity, and I didn't understand who I was and I didn't understand myself, I started growing into self-harming tendencies. And they weren't severe as a kid or at first, but as I got older in different seasons of my life, when things got really stressful, when those seasons of loneliness and isolation were extremely stressful,
• 18:25
  apparent as I grew, those decisions and those choices manifested themselves in different ways. So that is definitely, and that's isolating too, the experiences that you go through in those seasons as well. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know, did you guys, do you guys feel like there are moments in your life and in your family circumstances, how you grew up in a pastoral family
• 18:50
  and then you switched to this college experience. Do you find yourself having those struggles too? Absolutely. I think one of the biggest issues that I struggled with just as loneliness as a pastor's kid is the face of being a pastor's kid. I don't think people really know me or know who I am. So I think that that's something that we should just kind of...
• 19:14
  end on is just like one seriously lonely, like isolating idea is I'm not showing everyone who I really am. And I think that like as we draw closer to Jesus and we learn who we are in Jesus and like who he's made us to be.
• 19:30
  We know who we are, and then we can present ourselves to people and say, look at how beautiful I am. Look at how amazing I am. And now for you, I'm looking for how beautiful you are. I'm looking for how Jesus says that who Jesus says you are, like what Jesus says he loves about you. I'm trying to find the gold in you. And at the end of the day, that's really what we're called to do as women and as followers of Christ is to find the gold in people. Yeah, that's really good. Absolutely.
• 19:55
  It all comes down to just having that confidence in Christ and who he's made us and letting him fulfill the needs and the longings, which I know is easier said than done. But the more we focus on him, the more the focus comes off of us and what we're feeling because we feel his presence and not our own loneliness.
• 20:17
  When we think about it, loneliness is so inward and so me, me, me. And when we get so wrapped up on who we are, I mean, we're not called to go me, me, me and say it's all about me and my loneliness. What if God's putting somebody on your heart to reach out to? You have to start really getting in tune with the Holy Spirit and what He's putting on your heart. Maybe you take the time to intentionally reach out to people. Anytime I felt lonely in those seasons where I was struggling with those friends, like,
• 20:46
  like isolating feelings and feeling like they were distant. I was like, well, maybe I just need to reach out and ask them how they are. And maybe I just need to see how they're doing. And I was- Take the focus off yourself. Exactly. So be active in taking the focus off yourself. I think that's something that I think even God would want us to do to combat loneliness. So Maggie, I think what-
• 21:08
  really we're all saying actually is just that a lot of this comes down to confidence in who we are in Christ and letting God fill the gaps and taking the focus off of ourselves and just recognizing that the closer we are to God, the more we put time into prayer, into reading His Word, the more we're feeling fulfilled in that way. And we're not focusing on the loneliness we feel because we're not feeling it. We're feeling His presence. Exactly. We cannot rely on people to fill the void.
• 21:37
  And that is where we usually talk about in regards to loneliness. It comes in every shape and way and form, but we think people. And the only person who fulfills true companionship is Jesus. And once we find contentment and peace in Jesus, and Him being our true and honest and total friend and companion, we can find peace and contentment in the relationships in our lives and beyond.
• 22:07
  .