Latest / Breaking Mayberry / 114: The Barney Stretcher 5000

Transcript

114: The Barney Stretcher 5000 · Breaking Mayberry

• 0:00
  Boo. Hello, and welcome to another episode of Breaking Mayberry, the podcast
• 0:21
  that is now on AI Generated. I'm one of your hosts, Martin Schneider.
• 0:28
  I'm your other host four oh four file not found. Hey Marty,
• 0:32
  how's it going? Hello Daniel? Hello, co host name. Oh we're
• 0:41
  done with this. We've had many adventures together. Insert rapport here. Oh
• 0:49
  god, what would happen if you fed an AI like every script of every
• 0:54
  episode of the Andy Griffith Show. Do you think it would kill itself?
• 0:58
  It would just commit gris at least suicide. That's the Andy Griffiths Show is
• 1:03
  our defense against like a Skynet style uprising. It would It would just do
• 1:07
  like the plot of American History x fifteen times. If everything gets too bad,
• 1:14
  we need to, like Independence Day style, fly into the home server
• 1:19
  and just upload a flash drive that has on repeat like sixty four gigs of
• 1:25
  Andy and Opie Housekeepers. It does a little like skull thing, like an
• 1:33
  Independence Day. Oh hello, listeners, I'm we're back. I'm Marty Schneider.
• 1:38
  That's Dan Loudwig, and we are back to watching the Andy Griffith Show.
• 1:42
  It's weird to say we're back. We didn't take a break this time.
• 1:45
  We did some mini series is but we're we're returning to Maybury for season
• 1:49
  five, the last of the black and White seasons, the last of the
• 1:53
  don Knots regular seasons. Yeah, this is the last season where it is
• 1:59
  like the Andy Griffith show that people like and just turns into something that is
• 2:05
  universally despised, especially by people that like the Andy Griffith show. It's so
• 2:10
  bizarre. They it's kind of like how we decided that there's only like seasons
• 2:15
  three through ten of the Simpsons and generous you know, they've they've really like
• 2:22
  latched in on this part. So this is the last bit of an end.
• 2:24
  Yeah, just from this little bit that we've seen so far, it
• 2:28
  sucks. I mean, not a fan, it's better. I think it's
• 2:32
  I think I think this everything we've seen is like it's still you know,
• 2:37
  it's still dogshit, but like it it definitely like they've figured stuff out and
• 2:43
  they actually are doing a television show now. And yeah, we watched like
• 2:47
  four or five episodes together, and you know, I didn't want to vomit
• 2:53
  blood, which is normally what happens if I watch like season four, if
• 2:58
  I watch more than two episodes in a row, I was ready to like
• 3:01
  like claw my eyes out. So it's it's improving, it's learning, much
• 3:07
  like an AI. Before we get into this, though, I do want
• 3:12
  to do a little bit of housekeeping and some long overdue shoutouts and things like
• 3:16
  this. First people I want to shout out are the hosts of the podcast
• 3:22
  surf Kings of Gotham, Kyle and Brady Brady, who said very nice things
• 3:28
  about us in their first episode. Surf Kings of Gotham is a podcast you
• 3:31
  can listen to with your ears that is about It's kind of what we do,
• 3:38
  but they are taking on the nineteen sixties Batman sitcom. It's a sitcom,
• 3:42
  that's what they describe it as, and they're correct. I will admit
• 3:45
  I was suspicious at first because it's like, I don't know how you do
• 3:51
  something that we do for a subject that is a joke that doesn't take itself
• 3:54
  seriously. But I think they've figured it out. I think it's pretty much
• 3:58
  just basking into stupidity of it. They're they're saying that they're kind of trying
• 4:01
  to like do our whole model of things, to which I say, like,
• 4:04
  oh, Oh, thank you're so you want to come for the fucking
• 4:09
  throne. Huh. Think you're a big man, think you can do what
• 4:13
  we do. Huh. Yeah, you want to take our format, going
• 4:15
  through old TV, riffing on it. We're the only ones who think think
• 4:20
  you can do it better than us. Is that what you're saying, Yeah,
• 4:24
  big man, Yeah, trying to be nice, all right, big
• 4:27
  tough guys, come one, Come at us, Come at us, come
• 4:30
  at us. Do it. Trying to be nice to these people. This
• 4:35
  is the highest compliment I can bey, is being threatened by you. All
• 4:43
  right. Surf Kings of Gotham, it's available wherever you get your podcast.
• 4:46
  Give them a listen. I'm really enjoying. I really like their latest episode
• 4:48
  where they just go in on how fucking stupid the Mad Hatter is. It's
• 4:54
  a stupid concept of it for character, even by like Batman standards is dumb.
• 5:00
  So I'm really I'm really enjoying to give that a listen to Surfking to
• 5:02
  Gotham. The other shout take your shots. The shout out I want to
• 5:06
  give is somebody who conquered us contacted us recently on Twitter, and that is
• 5:12
  a blog called Flaming Nose TV and Flaming Nose TV. If you look at
• 5:17
  the website, it's just a I mean, it's like a word press blog
• 5:20
  about classic television and things and newer to TV two and it's written fairly nicely.
• 5:27
  But they contacted us recently after listening to our episode about Barney's sidecar.
• 5:33
  Let me tell you, like, this is how you know Flaming Nose is
• 5:36
  a real one. Like they listened to that episode, which is probably our
• 5:40
  most blatant cop hating episode, and also the episode when we pretended to be
• 5:45
  sponsored by a company that was called smooth My Balls, right, that was
• 5:48
  a smooth my Balls episode. Flaming Nose listened to that episode and was like,
• 5:55
  yeah, these guys because like they reached out at us about why why
• 6:00
  do these fans think that Barney's kidding? And now Flaming Nose list is like
• 6:05
  going back and listening to all of our stuff and says, I'm actually sixty
• 6:09
  eight years old, So the Andy Griffith Show has been around all my life.
• 6:13
  My career was in TV programming, and very few people cared to ponder
• 6:16
  the popularity of Maybury as a as a weird concept. The show is so
• 6:20
  ubiquitous and they only remember Barney is funny. So we've been waiting for this
• 6:25
  for so long. We've been waiting for we got through it an we got
• 6:30
  one, and we got one that actually worked in TV. It's it's like
• 6:34
  like a teacher at an inner city high school in a movie, like if
• 6:38
  I can just get through to one of them, that it'll all have been
• 6:41
  worth it. So like, hey, so for that alone, you should
• 6:46
  give Flaming Nose a read and I will link to the blog in the background.
• 6:48
  But thank you, thank you for the nice things that you've said about
• 6:50
  us, and people should look at your things. Speaking of people saying nice
• 6:54
  things and not so nice things. We've got a few new reviews on Apple
• 6:57
  Podcasts that I want to go through. They range from good, bad,
• 7:01
  and very very neutral. I would say mass Taza gave us a good review
• 7:09
  that says, I've been cashing up to this for a while. I really
• 7:12
  love the analysis of the show and how it has impacted society as a whole.
• 7:15
  The comedy is solid, the chemistry is there, the guests are knowledgeable
• 7:18
  and relevant, and frankly, I've been having a delightful time listening to it,
• 7:21
  Well, we're gonna fuck that up now, aren't we time to mess
• 7:26
  with this? So thanks for that Massa. Another interview or another review came
• 7:30
  from an evil herbivore who writes, this is a podcast that you can listen
• 7:35
  to. Five stars, maccurate, honestly my favorite one. And I think
• 7:46
  just I think I'm going to make the request all reviews that are positive for
• 7:53
  me here on out just be that. Just say those words verbatim, and
• 7:59
  let's just see how many any of them weaking. We can't. I think
• 8:01
  Apple will start deleting them if after a little bit. Oh yeah, I
• 8:05
  don't think it's a bot redacted redacted. And then we have our first ever
• 8:09
  negative review, which is still two stars, uh from And I'm so mad
• 8:15
  to get on this guy's bad side because it's it's I think, don't say,
• 8:20
  don't say their name. I have to say their name. I have
• 8:24
  to say their name, oh, because they are Apple user by Gun six
• 8:30
  nine. I'm saying, oh ye yeah, I'm saying by gun because it's
• 8:33
  b I g U N. So that could either be Biggen or big Gun
• 8:37
  six nine. But I'm going it's either the big Gun or by Gun and
• 8:43
  I'm going with by Gun. I think it's a bisexual Gun sixty nine U,
• 8:46
  so I think it's a prequel to try Gun. Oh oh, that
• 8:50
  makes perfect sense. By Gun sixty nine writes, And this is a long
• 8:54
  one, so I'll have to skim some of it. Disappointed, really sad
• 8:58
  that these two aren't able to recognize the superior writing, the great musical pairing
• 9:03
  to complement many scenes, the talent of the actress, etc. Of the
• 9:05
  Andy Griffith Show. While I'm not much of a fan of the first season,
• 9:09
  which is Andy two Country or Silly and the color episodes, I find
• 9:13
  other seasons to be far superior to other television shows. Yes, there are
• 9:16
  certainly times when certain portions of the episode are a little far fetched, but
• 9:20
  the show is sixty years old, and usually these moments contributed to humor in
• 9:24
  the particular scene. Now, he goes in on one very specific episode that
• 9:28
  we did, which was I think it's Best Western Hotel Detective. So it
• 9:31
  sounds like he watched he listened to half a Best Western Hotel Detective and then
• 9:35
  wrote this, and he kind of like argues that these guys describe Barney wanting
• 9:39
  to score a felony arrest in Raleigh while at the hotel and Raleigh and then
• 9:43
  having to improperly drive the protect to Maybury to file charges. Did you notice
• 9:46
  he basically turned the jewel thief over to the house detective and apprehended. Barne
• 9:50
  exaggerates a little. He's the same guy who complains about not having any tear
• 9:54
  gas. Gonna stop you right there, bigan, gonna stop you right there
• 9:58
  by gun. We that he's the guy who complains about not having any tier
• 10:01
  gas, and we hate that. Yeah, that's that's not a point in
• 10:07
  his favor. I'm gonna skip the rest of his like direct like arguments.
• 10:13
  Just remember there's a reason the show has never gone off the air, and
• 10:16
  that there are many fan clubs and festivals despite the passage of many years,
• 10:20
  and Bible studies based on the episodes. That's all one sentence, So it
• 10:24
  kind of sounds like he's saying, despite the fact that there are Bible studies,
• 10:28
  there are still fans whatever. Oh and and and then give that last
• 10:33
  part sounds vaguely threatening, like well, I mean, like there's a legion.
• 10:37
  You better not forget that we got numbers. Yeah, there is a
• 10:41
  reason why the show has never gone off the air. It's because you psychopaths
• 10:45
  right death letters to advertisers and networks when they try to take the reruns away.
• 10:50
  But also the other reason why the show has never gone off the air
• 10:54
  is because Ted Turner bought those rights for cheap. Like yeah, that's the
• 10:58
  reason why it was on TBS every single time there was in Atlanta Bray's rain
• 11:01
  delay. That's also the like, it's because Ted Turner bought them because they
• 11:03
  cost fucking nothing. That's also the reason we have a cartoon network, by
• 11:07
  the way, is that Ted Turner bought a bunch of hand of our Bearer
• 11:09
  cartoons that cost absolutely nothing for him and decided, what, we need a
• 11:13
  channel to air this stuff anyway? It gets mad. What a champion of
• 11:18
  American capitalism. We breaking Mayberry salute you, Ted Turner. There's no such
• 11:24
  thing as a good billionaire. But if there was, I mean, Ted
• 11:26
  Turner seems I don't know, like a chill dude at least but nine relatively.
• 11:33
  Then you know biggin doesn't like that, we swear and I know,
• 11:35
  man, we're sorry, like our parents don't like it either, And then
• 11:39
  the last sentence is to their credit, I did hear them acknowledge some of
• 11:43
  the scenes as funny, and I think that's why we got the two stars.
• 11:46
  But the other thing is I went back and listened to the Hotel Detective
• 11:48
  episode. We gave that ship seven stars. We were so chill about that.
• 11:54
  We gave that one a seven. We liked that episode. By the
• 11:58
  end of it, we were like, I'm fine with this, so yeah,
• 12:01
  that was one of my favorite episodes. So there we go. Ran
• 12:05
  the gamut on responses to us check out Flaming Nose, check out Serf Kings,
• 12:13
  and I look, by the way, and I can't find another review
• 12:15
  by by Gun. So he they he he almost certainly he maybe made the
• 12:20
  account. I think that's enough enough to go into into the episodes. You
• 12:24
  got anything that's that's enough jerking off. Let's get into it all right.
• 12:30
  Today we are in season five. We're gonna probably do episodes one and two.
• 12:35
  The tradition dictates that the first episode of every season is always like an
• 12:41
  Opie episode. Every every season opens with an Opie one, and today's is
• 12:45
  called Opie Loves Helen. Directed by Aaron Rubin, written by Bob ross Uh
• 12:54
  and air September twenty first, nineteen sixty four. Here is your one sentence
• 12:58
  summary from Wikipedia. Opie develops a crush on Helen and wants to buy a
• 13:03
  gift for her. If you don't remember who Helen is, that makes sense
• 13:07
  because she has the personality of a piece of styrofoam. But Helen is Andy's
• 13:13
  girlfriend and Opie's teacher, so this is a crush on the teacher episode.
• 13:20
  By my count, this is the third Opie falls in love with an adult
• 13:26
  woman episode. The one time was Andy's previous girlfriend right. Another time was
• 13:33
  Thelma lu and this time is Helen Crump, Helen Crop and Helen Crump.
• 13:39
  And this one, I think, is defined by the fact that Opie's Opie's
• 13:46
  aged, and the first time was like, kid doesn't really understand what loving
• 13:50
  somebody is. The other one is like, oh sweet, he doesn't know
• 13:54
  any better. And this one is defined by the fact that Opie's vaguely horny
• 14:00
  yea, which makes it so much worse because he's what is he like twelve
• 14:05
  now? He probably ten or eleven? But the closer to puberty that Ron
• 14:09
  Howard gets, the less cute that this whole thing is. Yeah, let
• 14:13
  me, it's really gnarrowly. Let me go ahead and say this though,
• 14:16
  Like whatever we've we've done like cute kid crushed plot lines. You know,
• 14:24
  kid has a crush on the teacher. Plots are ubiquitous. We've seen a
• 14:28
  b jillion of them. It's not that interesting, And this whole episode is
• 14:31
  not that interesting until one moment which made me scream that I was going insane,
• 14:37
  like like the resolution is so fucking weird and makes Andy this whole episode,
• 14:48
  Andy is a huge piece of shit. I watched it twice. The
• 14:50
  first time I was bored. The second time I was like paying a cute
• 14:54
  attention to Andy's behavior, and I was like, you are such a horrible
• 14:58
  parrot. Like it is defined by Andy's just abs being so past the point
• 15:05
  of giving a shit about his son, where he's just at the point where
• 15:09
  he's like, you're not cute anymore, and the questions you're asking we are
• 15:13
  no longer fun to explain. I don't get to do fun stories about King
• 15:18
  Arthur. Now I have to explain reason to you. YEA like the world
• 15:22
  and it's not fun anymore. And if you could just fuck off as much
• 15:28
  as possible, I'd really appreciate it. This is a problem that TV shows
• 15:31
  have always dealt with, is there's this weird period where kids aren't that cute
• 15:37
  anymore, but they're not old enough for you to run like rebellious teenager storylines.
• 15:41
  And we do get a little bit of rebellion from Opium. This,
• 15:45
  we're starting to get like the first little hinges of teenage rebellion. Normally,
• 15:48
  when it happens, it's because the child star is slowly ceasing to be cute.
• 15:54
  Yeah, and it's like, oh crap, you're like Michael from a
• 15:58
  Brady Bunch is getting get angly. We gotta get a cousin Oliver in here.
• 16:03
  He's no longer he's no longer adorable. He's starting to look weird.
• 16:07
  Yeah, um, Ron Howard is still a cute kid, like is not
• 16:11
  like he doesn't look fucking weird like one of the kids from Stranger Things.
• 16:17
  But they're just like, they're just like, we are so reliant on this
• 16:21
  child being seven that we are quickly running out of shit. I mean,
• 16:26
  to their credit, they don't cousin Oliver him, right, They eventually kind
• 16:30
  of do adapt and start doing like teenage Opie stories to the to the show's
• 16:34
  credit, but man, yeah. So this episode starts in the classroom,
• 16:41
  right, yeah, yeah, so it starts. It starts weird because it's
• 16:48
  Helen Crump opens the episode by saying, like, all right, kids,
• 16:51
  it's time to dance together. Um, this is how in like the eighteen
• 16:56
  hundreds, this was the only thing people had to do for entertainment, so
• 17:00
  they just danced all the time. Now pair up in this classroom as a
• 17:06
  school activity and dance with each other, which look not super weird. Little
• 17:12
  weird don't love making kids dance. So Opie's normal dance partner is a little
• 17:18
  girl that he has a crush on, a little girl that he normally danced
• 17:22
  with, Sharon Sharon. So Sharon is normally there, but Sharon is now
• 17:26
  getting her back brace fixed or something like. She's she's off at the at
• 17:30
  the doctors. So that means that there's an odd number of people. So
• 17:34
  Opie dances with miss Crump. Miss Crump's like, okay, well we have
• 17:37
  to do this time to dance, and they dance together for a second,
• 17:41
  and then also Opie walks home with missus Crump or they walk in the same
• 17:47
  direction, because it's really creepy. He's dancing with her, and you can
• 17:52
  see his eyes are like bugging out of his skull the entire time, and
• 17:56
  like tiny is fucking sick. Napses are firing. And then after he starts
• 18:03
  like kind of just talking to her incessantly, and it's like, can I
• 18:06
  walk you home? Andy and Barney see him walking her home and are like,
• 18:11
  oh, isn't that cute, which then kicks off a conversation about marriage
• 18:17
  between the two of them. Yes, and I want to know the fight
• 18:21
  here? Right? This this episode has opie, I'm sorry. This episode
• 18:26
  has Andy call out the fact that Barney and Thelmaalou have been going together for
• 18:30
  a while. Right, It's a weird thing because Barney says, you and
• 18:37
  miss Crump have been going together for two years? When are you going to
• 18:40
  get married? And he starts pestering him, and Andy eventually gets him to
• 18:44
  shut up by saying, you and Thelma Lou have been going together for two
• 18:47
  years? When are you gonna get married? Which makes Barney angry and he
• 18:52
  runs off. So, chronologically, Andy and Helen Crump have been dating the
• 18:56
  exact same amount of time as Barney and thelmaal Camp possible that that's that's not
• 19:00
  accurate at all, there's there's there's some lines in these two episodes that throw
• 19:06
  off the chronological order of the whole thing, of this whole thing. But
• 19:10
  no, my best estimate is that that's how long they've been Facebook official basically
• 19:14
  the mau some of who's been in the picture since Andy's last girlfriend, which
• 19:18
  is at least season two. THELLMA, Lou and Barney have been together much
• 19:22
  longer. That's gonna be relevant later, right, to stick with us.
• 19:26
  I know that that sounds like a potantic, petty detail, and it is,
• 19:30
  but let's just follow us on this, all right. So, uh,
• 19:33
  Barney also says something like, it's kind of funny. Right when we
• 19:37
  were growing up, we hated you know, kids hated our teacher. Remember
• 19:41
  what we did to our teacher? You know, well we put tax in
• 19:45
  her chair and uh, you know, threw e racers behind her back,
• 19:48
  and boy, she sure was mean. I like that joke. I thought
• 19:51
  that was kind of It's a good joke. They talked about putting a snake
• 19:53
  in her drawer. Yeah, yeah, it's a good bit. So the
• 19:57
  next morning, Opie starts asking Andy, Hey, what should I do if
• 20:03
  I like a girl, and what if that girl is older than me,
• 20:07
  and and he's like, I don't care whatever your attention because he thinks he's
• 20:11
  stoping like like a fifth grader and a sixth grader, you know, like
• 20:14
  before he says anything, Andy says, why do you always ask me stuff
• 20:19
  like this? First thing in the moment does say that, which is funny.
• 20:22
  So he's like, man, why you have to be saying weird shit
• 20:27
  when I just woke up. Jesus Christ, can you wait a minute.
• 20:33
  I'm still eating my breakfast. Can you stop being a little free. I'm
• 20:37
  gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna say for all of the parents in our audience,
• 20:40
  like that seems perfectly normal to me. Yeah, it's just it's it's just
• 20:45
  point one of like, wow, he does not give a fuck anymore.
• 20:49
  But I think at this point Toby's got to be like, because I see
• 20:52
  you like thirty minutes a day, man, like, yeah, this is
• 20:56
  my one window. You're always hitting me with a broom to get out of
• 21:00
  whatever room you're in. Now, Oh, this is the only time I
• 21:03
  have as a hostage. Oh man, if only I had a mother figure
• 21:07
  around the house, if only there was a woman around here who's supposed to
• 21:11
  be my maternal figure who lives in this house that I could ask about anything.
• 21:15
  No, it be in this episode. Yeah, they don't let her
• 21:19
  out of the little closet they keep her in. But anyway, Andy's advice
• 21:26
  is just like, I don't know, man, if you like her,
• 21:29
  ask her to do something, get her a gift or whatever, just do
• 21:32
  a thing. I don't care. He specifically says, you know age,
• 21:37
  age isn't really important, which is like, you sure you don't want to
• 21:40
  like put your back into this conversation a little bit. I want to do
• 21:45
  I don't know, to slightly defend Andy, he has no reason to think
• 21:49
  that Opie knows anyone that isn't a child. You know, he's done this
• 21:53
  shit twice before. This is set his third time falling in love with an
• 22:00
  adult woman, that he should be on high alert for this shit. Like
• 22:04
  his immediate question should be, well, can she legally drive a car?
• 22:10
  He should he should be basically be like, all right, time to pull
• 22:14
  out the checklist of questions about this woman. Is she a voting age?
• 22:21
  Am I currently in a long term relationship with her? Who was president when
• 22:26
  she was born? Yeah? He should at this point have this conversation down
• 22:33
  to a fucking science. Does she remember the end of the war? Yeah?
• 22:41
  Could she have feasibly birth to you. Opie's now set out to buy
• 22:48
  a present for Miss Crump to show her that he likes her. He is.
• 22:53
  He goes to the store with his like seventy four cents that he got
• 22:56
  from drinking soda and turning the recycling cans. This joke goes on forever.
• 23:03
  It's not interesting or funny. He Andy has a joke that's like a little
• 23:07
  mean spirited, which Opie says, like, I'm gonna take out all my
• 23:12
  money to get her a presentent. Andy says like, well, that's a
• 23:15
  big thing to do, but you know she's gonna get it all anyway,
• 23:21
  which is a good joke that was written by a very divorced man. I
• 23:26
  missed that. Yeah fine, that jokes fine. Yeah. Yeah. So
• 23:33
  he goes to like buy a scarf or something. He wants to get exactly
• 23:40
  seventy four cents. He wants to spend all of his money. He terrorizes
• 23:44
  the woman at the drugs or at the gift store who has to look at
• 23:48
  like thirty different handkerchiefs or whatever. But I doesn't look that she's particularly busy.
• 23:52
  I don't know what he's doing. Finally, she says, you know
• 23:53
  what, Opie, I have something that's eighty cents. But like that's it.
• 23:59
  So he runs. He's like, I gotta go drink more soda pop,
• 24:02
  So he gets cans from that. Next, so he buys a pair
• 24:07
  of stockings, like like pantyhose. They're they're they're nylons. Yeah, they're
• 24:14
  nylons. And he's like, look what I brought. I got the girl
• 24:17
  I like. And and this is where Andy should be like really getting suspicious
• 24:22
  because he's like, mm, I don't think this is an appropriate gift,
• 24:27
  because again he's still thinking that this is a child. Right, Well,
• 24:32
  this is the nineteen sixties with the logic of the nineteen thirties, So I'm
• 24:37
  pretty sure that getting a woman's stockings was the equivalent of getting her an embroidered
• 24:45
  butt plug. Um. I mean like it's I'm pretty sure that this is
• 24:51
  like eight like this touches your flesh. Okay, okay, But like to
• 24:56
  this day, right, stockings are still called intimate apparel. That's that's the
• 25:03
  title that they are when you go and buy them at the store. So
• 25:06
  they are intimates. It's it's similar to buying I mean, no, it
• 25:11
  is underwear, right, those are things that you wear. Yeah, so
• 25:14
  yeah, he he bought. He bought underwear, which you know is inappropriate
• 25:17
  no matter what it is inappropriate. If he was buying underwear for another girl
• 25:21
  in his class, it's inappropriate. No one like it. But Andy doesn't
• 25:25
  say this is an inappropriate gift. He's kind of hems and haws. He's
• 25:27
  just like, ah, well says I don't think you should get that,
• 25:33
  and you should return it. And I don't really I'm not capable as a
• 25:37
  father of explaining this to you, so just take my word for it pretty
• 25:41
  much verbatim. Yeah, yeah, I want to do like a saved by
• 25:47
  the Bell time out thing. Okay, look, and he should have fully
• 25:52
  uh Like. One something Andy should have should have thought of is that's if
• 26:00
  you are getting this for a girl, which I think you are a young
• 26:03
  girl, that's a really gross thing to get her. That will probably make
• 26:10
  her parents' fist fight me in public. Two. Oh hey, I'm looking
• 26:15
  at these real fast. These are definitely sized for an adult woman. So
• 26:19
  I'm going to use my base of deductive reasoning to say not for unless she's
• 26:26
  tall as fuck, unless she's a future w NBA player, not a child
• 26:32
  adult woman, time to put the kaibash on it. And two, I
• 26:36
  would probably say like, all right, I'm gonna take you back to the
• 26:38
  store. Go to the store, right now. Let's go to the store,
• 26:41
  and then I'm going to talk to the shopkeeper and say, why the
• 26:45
  fuck are you selling underwear to my child? Like what is wrong with you?
• 26:49
  Lady? That's true? Like, like, what is the point of
• 26:52
  having the friendly shopkeepers in the small town that's every in each other's business.
• 26:57
  What is the point of that if not to prevent this from happening? Right?
• 27:02
  Yeah, Like if if you're you're gonna say that, like it's a
• 27:04
  good thing that we live in a small town and everybody knows each other and
• 27:07
  everybody's up in each other's shit. What good are you? What good is
• 27:11
  any of this? If that woman doesn't get on the phone immediately with Andy,
• 27:15
  just be like, hey, listen, your son just bought something weird.
• 27:21
  Immediately, the next scenes should have been like the sound of the little
• 27:23
  bell ringing as you opened a door, with just Andy going like, hey,
• 27:27
  not guess who's here? Did you sell my my child underwear to give
• 27:33
  to a person. Did you do that, lady? Guess what? You're
• 27:37
  so under arrest right now? Fuck you? Yeah, but it's illegal to
• 27:44
  have coke. Yeah, because Andy's and he's capable of planting shit. He's
• 27:52
  done it for less he like. And her defense would be, well,
• 27:59
  I want I did your son to shut the fuck up. So I was
• 28:03
  willing to do pretty much anything at this point. I would be like,
• 28:07
  Okay, I understand, but still, yeah, bits, everybody in town
• 28:11
  wants my son to shut the fuck up. Yeah you think you think you're
• 28:15
  the only person here who wants my son to shut up. He's been allowed.
• 28:18
  He's been a fucking megaphone since season one. Okay, yeah, yeah,
• 28:23
  no, we everybody is annoyed by my child. Nobody gives him underwear
• 28:27
  as a solution to that. Most just chase him out of the store.
• 28:33
  Just do that. He's a child, he's much weaker than you. Just
• 28:37
  get just tell him to leave. He has no resources to not do what
• 28:41
  you say. So that's the direction of the show should have gone, and
• 28:49
  it should have ended with them in small claims cord or some shit. Uh,
• 28:59
  Instead where I read it to another fucking wanted to Beasley phone call.
• 29:03
  And just to be clear, this is like the third time it's happened.
• 29:07
  I'm not sure where we're surprised. We've mentioned five minutes ago that Barney is
• 29:11
  in a relationship with theell Malu, but here he is calling Wanny to Beasley
• 29:15
  saying, hey, do you want to go to the drive in movie and
• 29:18
  suck my dick? Like, yeah, there's again, ranking again once again.
• 29:23
  You can listen to you can watch the episode if you think I'm exaggerating,
• 29:26
  there's a ranking to how Horny wanted to Beasley calls are on a scale
• 29:32
  from one to ten, and this one's a ten. Baby. He is
• 29:36
  like, yeah, you won't be able to change out of your work uniform.
• 29:40
  Maybe I'll wear mine and we'll go to a drive in movie theater.
• 29:44
  It's dripping with horny noess. So they're getting emboldened because they used to be
• 29:49
  like, all right, in this episode he's with thell Malu, and in
• 29:53
  this episode he's it's okay for him to call Wanny to Beasley and never shall
• 30:00
  the two mix. We keep those episodes far away from each other, and
• 30:07
  now they're just like, yeah, we're gonna do him in rapid succession.
• 30:08
  Baby, he's cheating on her. In fact, we are going to make
• 30:11
  explicitly clear just how committed to each other they are a lot all the way.
• 30:18
  Definitely, definitely to the point where this is cheating because they were talking,
• 30:22
  they were talking about marriage like five minutes ago, and I've been I've
• 30:27
  been numbed to this over the course of four seasons, I think, and
• 30:33
  now having had a break, it shattered my brain ross to the point where
• 30:40
  I had to like google this to make sure that I wasn't insane because I
• 30:44
  looked up Wanita Beasley and I went to the fandom net and I was like,
• 30:48
  they're gonna talk about how he is cheating on his girlfriend, and it's
• 30:51
  just like wana Beasley is a woman that Barney calls on the phone. He
• 30:56
  says romantic things to her, and it's frequently embarrassed. And I was like,
• 31:00
  no mention of him cheating on his girlfriend with her, and to the
• 31:03
  point where I was like, I have to google Barney Fife Wanni to Beasley
• 31:08
  cheating and I found like first thing I found was a Reddit thread. There
• 31:14
  was no mention of it. There's like there was like a Reddit thread and
• 31:18
  one article and the Reddit thread was somebody on our television just going like,
• 31:23
  hey, has anybody noticed that Barney Fife is cheating on his girlfriend with Wanny
• 31:29
  to Beasley, And all the answers are man, Andy Griffiths. Sure is
• 31:34
  a great show, a quality program. I'm just laughing thinking about the Andy
• 31:40
  Griffiths Show, Like nobody engages with it to the point where I think,
• 31:45
  like if I walked if I if I walked up to a diehard fan of
• 31:49
  the Andy Griffith Show and I was like Barney Fife was cheating on his girlfriend
• 31:53
  with Elma Loup, they'd be like, oh, yeah, no, it's
• 31:56
  a it's two thirty. Yeah, I think the weather it's probably gonna rain
• 32:02
  in about two hours, but yeah, have a good one like it.
• 32:06
  Just it wouldn't. It would just be like static that I'm saying at them,
• 32:10
  I'll take this and run with it. When Betty Lynn, the actress
• 32:15
  who played Themalu when she died last year, like I saw some old clips
• 32:20
  and stuff of her at Mayberry events at like these events and somebody asked her
• 32:28
  spoiler alert. By the way, towards the end of this season, I
• 32:30
  think Barney does actually say to Themalu, let's get married, and Thelmalu says
• 32:36
  no, And somebody did ask Thelmalu or Betty Lynn the actress, like how
• 32:42
  could you do that to Barney? And even Thelmalu had to be like that
• 32:45
  was a different character. That was a character that I played. I didn't
• 32:50
  do anything to Barney, but like people were still asking about, like her
• 32:57
  breaking Barney's heart before this Hman died fifty years and nobody mentions and she I
• 33:04
  feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I feel like we're the only people who've
• 33:07
  seen this, especially because in this scene Barney straight up lies to a child,
• 33:13
  right, Because the crux of this scene is like, right, is
• 33:17
  don Knots is getting real horny. He's embarrassed because Opie sneaks up behind him,
• 33:22
  is like hey Barney, and he has to go ah, sorry by
• 33:25
  wronging up a click and hang up like he always does. Opie starts asking
• 33:32
  Barney, hey, you go with a lot of girls, right, And
• 33:36
  Barney's like, why would you say that? I don't know what you're talking
• 33:38
  about. But because he's Barney has to brag, and he straight up says,
• 33:43
  I make it a policy to only go with one girl. At a
• 33:45
  time, and I'm like, do you mean to the movies? I only
• 33:52
  go down the street with one girl at a time. This, this whole
• 33:57
  stick is pretty dumb. But basically, Barney teaches Opie to recite poetry and
• 34:02
  they call Miss Crump and Barney still doesn't know it's Miss Crump, but he
• 34:07
  like gives he Sarah knows it. He gives her poems to read over the
• 34:12
  phone and Miss Crump is. Helen says, hey, Opie, why don't
• 34:17
  you come over? I need to talk to you. I do want to
• 34:21
  point out that Barney thinks that he is because he is using Opie as full
• 34:27
  on a human puppet. So Barney does think that he's seducing a little girl
• 34:32
  through a little boy, and the little boy is actually trying to seduce an
• 34:37
  adult woman. So it is a creep show within a creep show. It's
• 34:44
  it's a creep show, turducan. I's trying not to think about this too
• 34:46
  much, so Barney, so Opie leaves and then thumb, I'm sorry.
• 34:52
  Helen does the exact thing that she should do, which is call back,
• 34:57
  immediately, call the police station, immediately. Think she's gonna get to talk
• 35:00
  to Andy she does it, it's Barney. She and Barney like freaks out.
• 35:05
  I was like, oh Jesus Christ, what have I done? Oh
• 35:07
  no, he does. I will I will give credit to both the character
• 35:14
  and the show. He has a very realistic reaction to what he did,
• 35:20
  which is basically one realize that he has done some sort of crime and that
• 35:28
  he has also been caught helping seduce a little girl. Yeah, so he's
• 35:35
  like, basically, he's staring down the barrel of Megan's Law and he is
• 35:39
  having full body convulsions bordering on fire. That is when Andy comes in and
• 35:45
  Barney is just screaming, just like, what is wrong? How did you
• 35:50
  not know this? What are you raising your kid to fucking do? Man?
• 35:52
  And I know that this happens like three times a week for Andy,
• 35:54
  but Andy's still responds with yeah, huh all right. In fact, in
• 36:00
  fact, the scene even goes on way longer than it needs to, because
• 36:05
  Barney yells you need to go, you need to go right now, and
• 36:07
  Andy's stints are like, all right, will you cover my shift? Yeahs,
• 36:13
  don't cover your shift. Go. This character used to be a human
• 36:19
  man. He used to be a person that reacted to stimuli, and he
• 36:24
  like anything approximating a person would have thrown up and punched a wall in this
• 36:30
  situation because this is so fucked up. And instead he's just like, well,
• 36:37
  you know, you win some, you lose some. Uh yeah,
• 36:42
  it's just that it doesn't apply here. Oh you know sometimes you guys shouldn't
• 36:47
  get off the pot. You know how it is. It's just this metaphors
• 36:51
  don't make any sense, and this is not this is not relevant to the
• 36:53
  situation. Ka Sara, Sara, say, lovey, you know how it
• 36:59
  is? Or he just you know, the wheels, the wheels keep on
• 37:01
  turning. Just easy, calm, easy, go is Son is trying to
• 37:10
  fuck yourn? All right? I think I'm I'm gonna think. I think
• 37:15
  I'm gonna hit the restaurant for a lunch before I go. Do you want
• 37:20
  anything? You didn't do anything like even Barnie is on board at this point,
• 37:27
  like so like you could a crazed madman could like break into town,
• 37:36
  hold a knife to the throat of amp Be and be like out slid her
• 37:39
  throat right now, and any like well, you know what happens, happens,
• 37:45
  and you know, sunrise, sunset, I ran out of things like,
• 37:53
  you're stretching this out a little bit. Man. No, that was
• 37:58
  him, That was him running out things to say. So next scene,
• 38:04
  we're at we're at Miss Crump's house and she's telling Opie, hey, listen,
• 38:09
  I can't accept this gift. This is not appropriate. Andy comes through
• 38:14
  the door and they all sit down together, and and he's like, and
• 38:17
  here's the thing. Andy doesn't resolve this problem by saying like, hey,
• 38:22
  you're a kid. This is an adult. I know that this is hard
• 38:24
  whatever. And he doesn't like explain ages, doesn't explain the difference between adults
• 38:30
  or whatever. What he does say, and this is verbatim, is miss
• 38:36
  Crump is a little bit closer to my age, which is she Yeah,
• 38:44
  I think she's probably at the half lady. Yeah, I'm gonna say there's
• 38:49
  a little a little bit going on. But then he says, actually,
• 38:52
  she's my girl. So basically, back the fuck off. He doesn't say,
• 38:55
  hey, you shouldn't you shouldn't do this because of age gaps or whatever,
• 39:00
  because you know the adult and children and you're a child. He says,
• 39:05
  no, this is my woman. Get your own. He specifically says,
• 39:08
  so in a way, you're sort of on my territory here. Yeah,
• 39:14
  okay, I've got the exact quote from the ultra re label may Bear
• 39:16
  Wiki. The truth of the matter is miss Crump is a little more in
• 39:20
  line with my age debatable. As a matter of fact, she's my girl.
• 39:23
  You're kind of stepping into my territory. That's right, she's my girl,
• 39:28
  like Sharon McCall was your girl, So Andy's. Andy's way to resolve
• 39:35
  this situation, rather than explain literally anything about the world, is to basically
• 39:40
  say, hey, bitch, you're on my turf, and I don't particularly
• 39:45
  care I have to say. But Miss Trump is just staring off into the
• 39:51
  distance, wondering how this became her life. The entire time, her eyes
• 39:54
  are dead and expressionless, like Miss Krump tries to bail, he says,
• 40:00
  well, I have some things I should probably take care of it. Andy
• 40:02
  goes no sit down, and she's like, really, I have to because
• 40:07
  I hate every second of this and I would rather be anywhere else in the
• 40:14
  world. And takes from this is like, well, you know what,
• 40:16
  if it's your girl, I won't do anything, like I won't do anything
• 40:21
  to break this up, and and he's like, gee, thanks, Opie.
• 40:23
  Says, do that mean you and miss Crump might get married someday again?
• 40:28
  Miss Crump his reaction list to this, and he says, I don't
• 40:31
  know, we might, And then Opie says, everybody, grab a fucking
• 40:35
  drink if you got one. Opie says, gee paw, that's swell.
• 40:40
  As long as she's in the family, I don't care if she's my wife
• 40:44
  or my mother, big laugh, to which Andy and Crump just look dead
• 40:52
  eyed at him, and they're just like, this is an adequate resolution to
• 40:58
  the situation. Basically, Opius, just like, I am so desperate for
• 41:04
  a second parental figure in here that I will take whatever I can get,
• 41:10
  including confusing feelings, for the rest of my life. Fuck it like,
• 41:19
  He's just like, let's get sure, man, lock it down, Let's
• 41:22
  get her in here, let's get her at the breakfast table. I don't
• 41:25
  give a fuck. Let's get a warm body in this house because you are
• 41:30
  eating shit as a parent, and I am rudderless. Andy's and he reacts
• 41:38
  to this very complicated situation like like like a lion, like one of those
• 41:45
  like older lions that are just like, I don't care, get out of
• 41:50
  my territory. She's my mate. He basically like pisses all over her living
• 41:53
  room and it's just like, I've marked my territory, this is mine.
• 41:59
  You may enter it, young man, and he does it with that level
• 42:05
  of energy. He's just like, yeah, here, don't try to fuck
• 42:08
  her. I'm fucking her. You can't fuck her. Go I'm done.
• 42:22
  Hey, everybody, Marty here, we're about to talk about the show Milf
• 42:25
  Manner and briefly touch on how our society is getting oddly chill and maybe a
• 42:30
  little obsessed with themes of incest and much like the show Milf Manner, we
• 42:35
  thought there would be some content to talk about here, but it just kind
• 42:38
  of came out weird and sad and gross. So if you'd rather not hear
• 42:43
  all of that, you might want to skip the next eleven minutes. We
• 42:49
  talk about this for eleven fucking minutes. Are you kidding me? Oh Jesus
• 42:53
  Christ, fuck us. We're the worst. Okay, okay, all right,
• 42:58
  there you go, Team eleven and it's skipping. If you need to,
• 43:00
  we'll see you on the other side. All right. So two weeks
• 43:12
  ago, a television show premiered on TLC. Two weeks ago, a television
• 43:20
  show premiered on what was used to be called The Learning Channel, And this
• 43:23
  falls under our jurisdiction now because we did a whole thing on the on the
• 43:27
  Learning Channel and the history of TLC a couple weeks ago with Kailanie Palmisano who
• 43:31
  is now making like getting super viral views with her TikTok videos about trading spaces,
• 43:38
  which fantastic. Good for her. Kailanie deserves all the success. She's
• 43:43
  wonderful. But it'll be waiting for our would like a little bit of that
• 43:46
  stuff shove back to us. Okay, this's all I'm saying. I'm saying
• 43:51
  yea. And anytime you want to bounce a couple of royalty checks, we
• 43:55
  need to get like that viral of those viral US forty percent would be a
• 44:00
  ridiculous We need to get well, we need to get five percent of those
• 44:05
  viral views. Anyway, we keep negotiating, our negotiating with no one.
• 44:10
  Yeah. Anyway, So two weeks ago a television show premiere. The show
• 44:15
  was entitled Milf Manner. Milf Manner is a dating show about a group of
• 44:22
  older women. They are all above the age of forty. I think they
• 44:25
  are age forty five to sixty and they are put on in a resort with
• 44:30
  a group of young men all under the age of thirty. They're all like
• 44:35
  between the ages of twenty and twenty eight. But do we do we want
• 44:39
  to do the texts I sent you for the Yeah, look, look,
• 44:43
  everyone guessed the reveal. There is a reveal. Everyone guessed this. The
• 44:47
  reveal is and I'll just say it, twist blot twist that the young men
• 44:53
  are their sons. And so Dan you you were you told me about this
• 45:01
  and a few weeks before premiered, and you were apocalyptic. I saw the
• 45:10
  So I was in the emergency room for something that's fine, and it was
• 45:15
  three am and the TV was on it, and I was like super sleep
• 45:22
  deprived at this point, and I just saw an ad for Milf Manner and
• 45:29
  it's like it's just a very standard like I'm fifty and rady to get back
• 45:34
  out there. And then it does the pan up on the young men that
• 45:37
  they're going to be dating, and it's not going like, oh my god,
• 45:40
  this changes everything. And I realized that the twist was the young men
• 45:45
  are going to be there. Everyone realized it, man, everybody realized it
• 45:51
  At the time, it seemed like I was like having some incredible revelation and
• 45:57
  I just started texting you and was like, this is the end of all
• 46:00
  I woke up to these is yeah, And basically I was like, because
• 46:07
  first this is just going to be something that we're all like you, but
• 46:12
  then people are going to start irony watching it, and then people are going
• 46:16
  to start actually un ironically liking this show, and then it will get multiple
• 46:21
  seasons, and then society will end. The boundaries between what is okay and
• 46:27
  what is not okay, well slowly deteriorate, and then it will be blood
• 46:31
  in the street. You sent me all this and my response was, I
• 46:34
  don't think anyone's gonna give a shit. No. Your response was I think
• 46:38
  I'm gonna watch this show, to which I responded, that's just because you
• 46:42
  haven't jerked off into that's also true. But I had to say, like
• 46:50
  I thought about it, I was like, you're you're completely overblowing this.
• 46:52
  This isn't gonna be anything, and so far, like we're two weeks in
• 46:55
  and I think I'm right, Like I haven't seen anything. Pieces I've seen
• 47:00
  like one or two like small Twitter threads or whatever, but no one really
• 47:04
  seems to give a shit about this. And then I said the words that
• 47:06
  I didn't think I would ever say, which was like, I was like,
• 47:07
  I just think that we as a country are just like desensitized to incest
• 47:14
  shit, and this show bates it. This show is just has little challenges
• 47:17
  like, hey, can you identify which of these sun's bodies is yours?
• 47:22
  In the dark or whatever? It's, um, yeah, it's you're blindfolded.
• 47:29
  I read a Rolling Stones article about this after that. It was I
• 47:36
  thought a lot of the incest shit was going to be like strongly implied.
• 47:39
  There's gonna be a lot of weird, edible stuff. I didn't think that
• 47:43
  they were gonna really hit the hit it head on, which is, um,
• 47:46
  they're mini games where you're blindfolded and you have to touch all the young
• 47:51
  men's shirtless and guess which one is your son, so basically and Endurance don't
• 47:57
  get horny about your son challenge. Yeah, yeah, so I'm sure that's
• 48:01
  a later episode, but yeah, that that was. That was the bait
• 48:06
  between you and I, which was like you were like, this is gonna
• 48:07
  blow everything up, and I was like, no one's gonna give a shit
• 48:10
  about this. This is not it's it's I think I think it's partially that
• 48:14
  we're just like numb to it, but also it's kind of like when you
• 48:19
  see a tweet from somebody that's like really trying too hard to be the main
• 48:22
  character of the day. Like the like desperation of talk about Me is just
• 48:28
  streaming off of this. Yeah, and then now that I've seen an episode
• 48:30
  of Milk Manner, the one thing I think we did not prepare for is
• 48:34
  it's just a really fucking boring show. It's it's just a boring, slightly
• 48:38
  sad show to watch. It's not very entertaining, Like the entertainment value isn't
• 48:44
  there. It's not even like a Real Housewives, Like this is such a
• 48:46
  train wreck I have to watch a kind of thing. It just sucks.
• 48:52
  But between that premiering and this episode of Andy Griffiths show, just like all
• 49:00
  of this is apparently ruminating in my head. Plus I went on you know,
• 49:04
  any porn site, and that's all porn is. Now, like all
• 49:07
  porn is just like I'm your step mom and this isn't okay, wink wink
• 49:13
  kind of bullshit. Anyway, I had like a memory unlocked from deep in
• 49:21
  my psyche and the reason which you told me about this and I suggested that
• 49:24
  maybe you should go, No, you didn't tell me what it was.
• 49:28
  This unlocked a memory for me. And the reason I'm saying it on the
• 49:30
  podcast and not in therapy is because this is a fucked up thing that I
• 49:35
  witnessed, but not a fucked up thing that I was a party. Two.
• 49:38
  So this happened when I was in maybe fifth or sixth grade, and
• 49:45
  I know at least two of our listeners went to the same school that I
• 49:50
  did, so I'm hoping they can corroborate my story here, but I would
• 49:52
  have no reason to make this up. There was a pep rally, and
• 49:55
  I want to be clear, fifth or sixth grade children. So there was
• 50:00
  a pep rally at my like junior high that, um, the kids were
• 50:07
  going to, like the basketball team was going to some big basketball tournament and
• 50:13
  they were doing really well and they were going to travel forward or something.
• 50:15
  I don't know if they were doing doing well, but they were going to
• 50:16
  a tournament. So we're having a pep rally to send them all off,
• 50:21
  and they got the fifth grade I'm sorry, they got the basketball team out
• 50:24
  there in their uniforms, and this was like one of the activities, you
• 50:28
  know, our school schools, these stupid pep rally activities. Oh you're The
• 50:31
  face they're making is amazing. It's gonna get worse. I think, I
• 50:37
  I think I've heard this story before. I don't. I don't know if
• 50:40
  it's I have to tell. So I haven't told this story before, but
• 50:45
  I have no doubt this has happened in more than one school. So they
• 50:47
  brought the fifth I keep saying fifth grade, seven fifth. They brought the
• 50:51
  basketball team out, and then they brought the cheerleaders out and again got to
• 50:57
  remind you children, and they gave them a giant piece of twizzlers rope,
• 51:02
  like a long twizzler, and they said, we're going to lady in the
• 51:06
  tramp this stuff. And they gave it to the one end to the cheerleader
• 51:08
  and one end to the basketball player. And the boys got to see the
• 51:14
  cheerleader that they were going to lady in the tramp that's in the middle with
• 51:17
  in the gym, in front of everybody. I had. I cannot spread
• 51:22
  stress enough that this was a school sanctioned event, and so but the but
• 51:29
  then the the basketball players got blindfolded, and as they were, you know,
• 51:36
  nibbling through to the other end, the cheerleaders swapped out with the basketball
• 51:40
  player's mom. So at the very end, instead of kissing the cheerleader,
• 51:46
  which again is a child, they were kissing their mom right on the lips
• 51:54
  in front of everybody. H this is a school sanctioned activity. Anyway,
• 52:00
  we don't wait too much of this, but I guarantee you somebody involved,
• 52:05
  somebody involved in that story, whether it's the child, the parent, the
• 52:08
  fucking school board that had to sign off on this, the principle, I
• 52:13
  guarantee you at least one of those people now believes that all queer teachers are
• 52:17
  grooming and indoctrinating children into sick pedophilia perversion. I'm saying this. I'm angry
• 52:23
  about this, and I'm sure that this is not the only place that has
• 52:27
  happened, because nobody at my school was like clever enough to come up with
• 52:30
  this on their own. I've heard another version of this story where it has
• 52:37
  a much worse twist ending where they were doing the blindfold You think you're kissing
• 52:42
  a cheerleader, but you're kissing your mom. Except one kid grabbed the person
• 52:47
  they thought was a cheerleader and gave a deep, powerful tongue kiss. They
• 52:54
  were they high schoolers at least, I mean, not that that makes it
• 52:57
  that much better, but like, I don't recall this was like a tweet
• 53:00
  I saw or something. We should go back. Let's just put in an
• 53:05
  edit point and just be like, hey, um, we're about to say,
• 53:07
  We're about to say some really gross shit. You might want to skip
• 53:13
  ahead anywhere from three to five minutes. You know what, Man, this
• 53:20
  is harrowing to talk about. Let alone listen. I thought when I told
• 53:24
  this story that our reactions would be funny enough that like, but I'm just
• 53:30
  mad, Like, I'm just mad now, Yeah, we're so gross and
• 53:35
  weird? What is wrong with us? Why are we liking that we didn't
• 53:39
  do any of this? Man? This wasn't us, no as a society,
• 53:44
  like because of the Ady Krevice show. Where the fuck have you been
• 53:47
  for the past five years? Man? I know I know where are like
• 53:53
  everybody up to our parents' generation. Hopefully it ends with us. It won't.
• 53:59
  Let's it won't. Is just so down with a lot of weird shit.
• 54:04
  They should not have been down with, um, I feel like we
• 54:09
  should go on to episode two of this because episode let's palate cleanse with episode
• 54:15
  two. Let's get all right, let's get some better this one. This
• 54:19
  one in a direction Episode two, Holy shit, good luck episode editing this,
• 54:24
  Bud. You're gonna have to do a content about Episode two. Barney's
• 54:34
  Physical directed by Howard Morris, written by Bob Ross. Bob rossbrote both of
• 54:37
  these episodes, and thankfully we're not going to see his name a lot.
• 54:40
  Like he shows up once or twice in this season, but like I,
• 54:45
  thankfully we don't want to deal with him too much. September twenty eight,
• 54:49
  nineteen sixty four, and originally airs here at Once and somewhere from Wikipedia.
• 54:52
  Andy and aunt Bie helped Barney hurriedly grow to meet the new Civil Service height
• 54:58
  and weight requirements for law enforcement officers. So so it I am of the
• 55:07
  opinion that this episode fucking rules is good. Okay, cool, I'm not
• 55:13
  alone on that this episode kicks ass. We've watched this episode together and uh,
• 55:21
  as I watched it again a second time, right before this, I
• 55:24
  was just fist pumping through the whole thing. I was like, Yeah,
• 55:28
  put him in a fucking artist. Let's fucking go, eating scene, eating
• 55:31
  scene, give him a milkshake, Let's go. This is the Barney five
• 55:36
  feet Er episode, And basically the premise is exactly that m. Barney comes
• 55:40
  in to what should be his five year anniversary on the squad. Once again,
• 55:45
  by the way, don't think too much hard about the math on that.
• 55:49
  It doesn't seem to work out. But Barney has been on the Maybury
• 55:52
  Police Department for five years and it's his five year anniversary. Andy pretends like
• 55:58
  he doesn't remember because he's planning us a prize party for Barney later later that
• 56:01
  day. And the while Barney is at his own surprise party, and he's
• 56:09
  in Mount Airy or wherever the town, the county seat is having a meeting
• 56:15
  with their bosses, who I guess, I don't know who the hell is
• 56:17
  is whoever has oversight over them. The people who have oversight are now a
• 56:23
  civil service leaders. Yeah, they're folding them into the civil service portion of
• 56:32
  the government. I don't know if they were local. I guess they're now
• 56:36
  state employees rather than municipal. Um. Yeah, so the surprise party aspect,
• 56:46
  um. I had a question that I wanted to So the first scene
• 56:51
  is Barney being sad because he thinks that Andy hasn't remembered this big important anniversary
• 56:57
  to him, and then eventually they're doing this because he's getting I get a
• 57:00
  fun surprise party that's not really a surprise party. Marty, do you think
• 57:05
  that surprise parties suck or what's your opinion on a surprise party? Yeah,
• 57:09
  surprise parties suck. Surprise parties suck. I've had one, and it was
• 57:15
  a very lovely gesture by all my friends. But I was sad for like
• 57:21
  a whole day because I thought everybody had forgotten my birthday. And then I
• 57:25
  was happy for like three hours. Um, I kind of would have just
• 57:30
  rather have known that my friends were organizing a party for me. That would
• 57:34
  have made me happy the whole day. But like, a surprise party is
• 57:39
  kind of predicated on you being bummed out for a while, and that's what
• 57:43
  happens here. That's what happens here. Yeah, Like Barney's very upset that
• 57:47
  like his friend forgot their anniversary, basically wounded in a way, I was
• 57:52
  sympathetic too. Yeah, party surprise parties are garbage. These suck ass.
• 58:00
  Yeah. The whole deal is I have to pretend to not to not be
• 58:04
  your friend in order to do something nice for you. So yeah, it's
• 58:07
  a logistical nightmare, that is. Yeah, like it's it's a pain in
• 58:12
  the ask to plan um it. It requires you to really bum out your
• 58:16
  friend. Um and like ultimately it's all like all the effort that goes into
• 58:22
  making a surprise party happen could just be go into giving your friend a nice
• 58:27
  day. It's like, I mean, the only way that it really works
• 58:30
  is if you do it like the day before their birthday or whatever. Right,
• 58:34
  Yeah, Yeah, honestly, the thing that's good about this episode is
• 58:38
  wacky shit happens. They do get off the wall, but it all comes
• 58:43
  from like a genuine human situation. Yeah. Like, so the situation is
• 58:51
  this, there are new requirements from the state, let's just say the state
• 58:54
  for law enforcement officers. The law the requirements come from the state, who
• 58:59
  is saying basically like we wrapped you up in civil service because too many people
• 59:04
  were handing out deputy stars for no reason, Like we were had too many
• 59:07
  people getting deputized. You know, like I don't know this, Yeah,
• 59:13
  I don't know. Like a gas station attendant who has the mind of a
• 59:16
  child somehow got a somehow got a star and a gun. I don't know
• 59:22
  how that happened. Yeah, too many people that are wildly unqualified to do
• 59:28
  police work or getting the jobs. And Andy was like, well, accept
• 59:31
  my guy, right, you're not talking about him. I can't wait to
• 59:36
  hear about all those other skinny week dudes that are incapable of doing their jobs.
• 59:40
  Oh man, here, you've got a barber who's had multiple strokes on
• 59:45
  your payroll. Well, so tell me about this guy on your payroll who
• 59:53
  has been beaten up by sixteen criminals U who is easily overpowered and frequently has
• 1:00:04
  his gun taken away from him. I thought you were gonna say. I
• 1:00:07
  thought you were gonna say beaten up by six year olds, which is also
• 1:00:10
  correct but has also happened. Yeah, six year olds. I think an
• 1:00:15
  old lady at one point, maybe a dog. It just the frailest man
• 1:00:22
  who is incapable of doing almost anything with his body. So anyway, the
• 1:00:30
  new requirements require deputies to be five foot eight and like one hundred and like
• 1:00:37
  fifty pounds or something fifty and sixties. I don't know, the point is
• 1:00:40
  uh not don knots right? Yeah? So uh, Andy's comes back in
• 1:00:46
  the middle of the party where like everybody's really cheering for Barney and he just
• 1:00:50
  got like a like a watch. They just bought him a watch and they
• 1:00:52
  engraved it with the number five for five years on the job. And they're
• 1:00:55
  having a big party and Andy comes in. He's like, hey, man,
• 1:00:59
  you should have another slice of that cake. Yeah, seriously, dude,
• 1:01:02
  have another slice of cake. Yeah. Um, So they get right.
• 1:01:07
  I thought when we watched this that he was going to dance around it
• 1:01:12
  for a really long time. This this episode, this episode moves at a
• 1:01:15
  clip another any other Andy Griffith episode, Andy would have tried to fatten him
• 1:01:22
  up while not telling him what was happening the entire time, to spare his
• 1:01:27
  feelings. Yeah, and Barney would have gotten really upset about it, and
• 1:01:30
  at the end Andy would have come would have had to come clean with the
• 1:01:36
  truth. Barney would have gotten upset. But then they would come up with
• 1:01:38
  some last minute hijink that got them through. That's what I was bracing for.
• 1:01:45
  And to be clear, they do solve the problem with him last minute
• 1:01:47
  hijink, but but but it's a better it's a better way to get there.
• 1:01:52
  When Barney knows the whole time, because they go right to it.
• 1:01:55
  They don't dance around it. The next scene is you know them alone and
• 1:02:00
  and he's like, hey, man, I gotta tell you some shit,
• 1:02:02
  and he passes. And the way they do this is nice. He passes
• 1:02:07
  the document to Barney and Barney reads it silently and then responds and like we've
• 1:02:14
  seen Barney throw a fit and numerous times like I'm quitting the fours or it's
• 1:02:19
  over for me. This is the only time when it has ever felt like
• 1:02:22
  it mattered right. The emotion runs here. I get it. It's a
• 1:02:29
  real problem that would actually be a tough situation to be in, and Barney's
• 1:02:37
  Barney's reaction is completely realistic and human and justified. I'm justified. He's like,
• 1:02:45
  I have proven that I'm good at my job. Now you haven't been
• 1:02:46
  in this situation, Let's pretend you are. I've proven I'm good at my
• 1:02:50
  job, I'm trusted in the community. I've given five years of my life
• 1:02:53
  to this. And he goes like, you know what, I'm going to
• 1:02:55
  try to like cope with this and say that I'm better off and maybe I'll
• 1:03:00
  and I'll be fine. When I move on, and it's like a real
• 1:03:04
  reaction that an actual human being would have. It's not fuck, it's not
• 1:03:08
  annoying in any way. And what Andy like then proposes is basically like,
• 1:03:14
  we're going to figure out some hair brained scheme to get you to keep your
• 1:03:19
  job. And then the middle part of the episode is just antics ensue its
• 1:03:27
  scheme and it be runs in like when when Auntie hears the news, she
• 1:03:32
  delivers fantast movie delivers this line so great, she only five or six pounds
• 1:03:37
  away. I could fatten him up. I can do that so easy.
• 1:03:42
  I could do one of a weekend tag me in coach, tag me in
• 1:03:45
  impairing. For this my entire life, this is my only job on this
• 1:03:51
  show. I have never been more qualified to do a single task in my
• 1:03:57
  entire life. This is the reason I was born. Do you understand this
• 1:04:03
  is my destiny. Let's go. I haven't been useful to this show in
• 1:04:10
  three fucking seasons. Please. I'm basically a roomba with an air fryer strap
• 1:04:17
  to the top of it. Let's go, Like she's like getting pumped.
• 1:04:26
  She's like, let's do it. Let's fuck it up, and and he's
• 1:04:29
  like, yeah, let's go, and she's just like high fiving, like
• 1:04:32
  do this thing. So they got to wait requirement there. But the problem
• 1:04:36
  is he's still like like what six inches short or whatever. He's half an
• 1:04:41
  inch half an inch short, thank you. Uh So then they go to
• 1:04:45
  um a quack, well they call it. They call it a crazy doctor
• 1:04:51
  with a random contraption that is quite clearly just a jock strap hanging from a
• 1:04:57
  pole, yeah and base. Basically, the theory is somebody had to use
• 1:05:02
  this device to clear out an issue with a neck. They had like a
• 1:05:05
  pinched vertebrae or something. But after it happened, he was he was slightly
• 1:05:12
  taller because you know, his spine had been stretched out from being suspended from
• 1:05:16
  his head for like several hours a day. So they're like, we're going
• 1:05:20
  to put you in this contraption for four hours each day. You're going to
• 1:05:25
  hang from your head and that will hopefully make you half an inch taller.
• 1:05:30
  Yeah, so that's it. He hangs in a closet and you get a
• 1:05:35
  fantastic visual bit of don knots fuming while unable to speak or hear well because
• 1:05:44
  all the blood is like pulling in his ears and his jaws like held shut
• 1:05:47
  and just suspended from the head in a closet. And they don't use that
• 1:05:54
  visual bit as much as I think they should have, but it works when
• 1:05:58
  they do. They do one thing that is that is weird where Opie takes
• 1:06:06
  to his friends over to his house and says, listen, my basically uncle
• 1:06:13
  is attempting suicide in my closet. Do you guys want to pay me a
• 1:06:17
  nickel to see it? And they're like, they're like, no, we
• 1:06:23
  don't believe that he's trying to kill himself in your house. And Opie is
• 1:06:27
  like, I swear to God, he is attempting suicide as we speak.
• 1:06:33
  And they all look at because little boys are fucking monsters, man, They're
• 1:06:39
  little demons, and they're like, I'll pay you a nickel, and then
• 1:06:42
  they're basically like they're looking at him like I can't tell whether or not he's
• 1:06:46
  trying to kill himself. Let's ask him, at which point Barney just goes
• 1:06:51
  like, get out of here. Yeah, haven't just seen him man in
• 1:06:54
  a neck artist before. Um, it's pretty great. Opie's a little bastard
• 1:07:00
  and I love it. He's I like when he's a little stinker. I
• 1:07:02
  want to email if not for the fact that, like I would absolutely get
• 1:07:06
  a two hundred dollar bill just for sending the message, I want to send
• 1:07:10
  an email to my physician and just be like, would this work. I
• 1:07:15
  feel like it would. I feel like you would get like a temporary increase
• 1:07:18
  of just like stretching out the spine for like maybe a half an inch.
• 1:07:24
  Yeah. I think I think this is actually legit. I think this is
• 1:07:27
  a thing that happens. Astronauts get taller when they're in space because their their
• 1:07:32
  vertebrae aren't compressed by by graphics. Well, it is a thing. You're
• 1:07:36
  you're taller in the beginning of the day than you are in the at the
• 1:07:40
  end of the day, not by a lot, but by a little,
• 1:07:43
  because your your spine slowly settles. Yeah, I think I think this would
• 1:07:47
  work. I think it would get him, you know, at least.
• 1:07:49
  I think the problem is he would have to like do it right before the
• 1:07:54
  measurement. Yeah, but I think he would probably get the extra half an
• 1:07:57
  inch for at least twenty four maybe forty eight hours. This is all he
• 1:08:00
  needs. It's a legitimately good plan on both ends. Give him a shitload
• 1:08:06
  of food and stretch his spine out. It is feasible and good and not
• 1:08:14
  stupid. Famma look comes with a giant milkshake and they talk about this in
• 1:08:20
  the Ultraliabel Maybery WICKI. If you look closely, you can see a thirty
• 1:08:24
  one on the milkshake container, meaning that maybe apparently has a baskin Robbins.
• 1:08:32
  So she like, she like gives him a milkshake with a straw that he
• 1:08:34
  kind of SIPs there through the through the harness. So yeah, they're like,
• 1:08:40
  all right, I did it. I'm five nine or I'm five eight
• 1:08:42
  or whatever, like I did the height. Now it just got to eat
• 1:08:45
  stuff. And then more antics. I do take issue with one thing.
• 1:08:49
  Um, their choice of food to fatten a person up insane. Why are
• 1:08:56
  you giving him steak that's protein, it's not it's not gonna sit in his
• 1:09:01
  stomach. And they give him vegetables for fox sake. They give him very
• 1:09:05
  healthy meals. Yeah, they give him well balanced meals. Cake, just
• 1:09:10
  give him cake after cake, empty carbs that will sit there, sugars.
• 1:09:15
  Should he should he should just be eating bowls of white rice, bowls of
• 1:09:20
  rice, bread lots of bread and then just an entire just not even pie
• 1:09:27
  cake. Like I was kind of like, well, they don't want to
• 1:09:30
  give him diabetes, Dan, It's only for a week. I was.
• 1:09:36
  I was kind of mad watching this because I was like, I would fucking
• 1:09:43
  love to have to gain to have no choice but to gain ten pounds and
• 1:09:49
  have to it's against my will. I wish I didn't have to do this,
• 1:09:55
  eat nothing but dessert for an entire goddamn week. It's like it's like
• 1:10:00
  the first job that an actor takes after their Marvel movie. It's like,
• 1:10:04
  yeah, hell, yeah, no, give me all of that. Like
• 1:10:06
  I'm pretty sure that Christian Bale who has done irreparable damage to his body with
• 1:10:11
  all his transformations, but I'm sure Christian Bale is Sometimes it's just like,
• 1:10:14
  please give me a role as a fat guy. Please give me a fat
• 1:10:16
  guy roll. I just I just I need this. I have been I
• 1:10:20
  have been trying to lose COVID weight before my wedding for the last two goddamn
• 1:10:27
  years, and I the this is this is basically a dream I think I've
• 1:10:33
  had sometimes or I'm just like just somebody is like eat, get significantly fatter
• 1:10:40
  within a short period of time where I'm gonna shoot you. Every time I
• 1:10:44
  saw a healthy option on there, I wanted to throw something antic that they
• 1:10:47
  get into to delay the eating. I didn't think was a funny. He
• 1:10:51
  just gets all the hiccups. He eats so much so fast, he develops
• 1:10:55
  the hiccups, and then he's like, I can't really eat anymore with the
• 1:10:58
  hiccuffs. You can eat with the hic ups. You can eat with the
• 1:11:00
  hang ups. I do it frequently, and they act like it's actually a
• 1:11:03
  serious problem. Like at one point he goes like, excuse me, aunt
• 1:11:06
  By, I'm so sorry to offend, and she's like, it's all right,
• 1:11:10
  it's all right. You know, these things happen like like like he
• 1:11:13
  just ripped a giant fart. Um. No. The thing I would have
• 1:11:17
  done instead is he hits a wall in how much weight he can gain,
• 1:11:21
  and they'll just keep feeding him and feeding him and feeding him, but he
• 1:11:25
  can't get the last pound, which ultimately culminates in Auntie like shaking him and
• 1:11:29
  just be like gain weight, you son of a bitch. You can you
• 1:11:32
  can easily get one or two pounds just with water, Like yeah, like
• 1:11:36
  it should have been that his metabolism is burning the food off faster than she
• 1:11:41
  can put it on, and Aunty gets a scene to freak the fuck out
• 1:11:46
  and just like starts like shoving fried chicken into his face. That would have
• 1:11:49
  been funny if like, if the doctor examined him, it was just like
• 1:11:54
  medically don knots cannot gain weight. This is why he looks like this.
• 1:11:59
  Yeah, that would have been great if like, because yeah, for INSTIs
• 1:12:03
  movie, I would have gotten a scene to like to go and nuts in
• 1:12:06
  um. But instead they do he gets the hiccups so he can't eat anymore.
• 1:12:12
  Um. So that's the wall they use, which is I mean,
• 1:12:15
  not bad, it's just weird. It's it. It kind of feels like
• 1:12:20
  he couldn't think of an impediment at that stage, but ultimately it doesn't if
• 1:12:28
  they do it so that they have to come up with a hairbrained scheme in
• 1:12:30
  the eleventh hour, Yeah, which is pretty good scheme. It's fun um.
• 1:12:39
  So he has to wear his official uniform during the way and which includes
• 1:12:45
  a whistle and his uniform and a chain for his dog tag um. And
• 1:12:51
  they find the loophole that they put a very big, heavy, thick chain
• 1:12:56
  on to hold the dog tag up and put it under his for him.
• 1:13:00
  So they cheat, Yeah, they cheat on a technicality. They basically like
• 1:13:04
  he's wearing a weighted vest. But yeah, they cheat, they cheat,
• 1:13:09
  and I don't they do it on a technicality, But I'm just kind of
• 1:13:12
  like they would have fired you if they'd figure that out. You could have
• 1:13:14
  just put a bunch of weights in his pockets. But whatever, man,
• 1:13:17
  no, no, no, no, no, no, Like they probably
• 1:13:19
  would have had him into the pocket. Like it had to be the chain.
• 1:13:23
  It had to be the chain, because chain is the issue that they
• 1:13:25
  wouldn't, you know, just using their own rules against him. I'm fine
• 1:13:28
  with it. I'm fine. It's so no, it's so good. It's
• 1:13:31
  such a great sight bet sight gag to have him take a very heavy chain
• 1:13:35
  off of his neck. After yeah, he says, man, it's amazing,
• 1:13:38
  but a thick chain you need to hold up these little tags. It's
• 1:13:41
  funny. Yeah, I mean, okay, So it's fucking great. It's
• 1:13:45
  a great episode. Um, it's the happiest I think I've been with a
• 1:13:50
  Anie Griffent episode because even when we've liked it so far, the writing has
• 1:13:56
  been shit. But it's been such a sloppy, fun mess that we have
• 1:14:00
  just been like, I love you, you little bastard. Come here now.
• 1:14:05
  This one moves at a clip. It's a clear story. It's just
• 1:14:09
  like it doesn't it doesn't bog itself down with anything. It's just problem resolution,
• 1:14:15
  new problem resolution. You know, it's legitimately good jokes at site gags.
• 1:14:19
  This show loves to do site gags that don't fuck it, that are
• 1:14:25
  not adequate payoff for the hoops they need to jump through. They always do
• 1:14:29
  like, oh, we're gonna do don Knots dressed as a donkey, so
• 1:14:33
  we that'll be funny for four seconds. So we had to do a bunch
• 1:14:36
  of dumb bullshit him and the harness don Knots looks funny as fucking that.
• 1:14:43
  Even the filler bits are funny, right, the kids getting together to see
• 1:14:46
  if he's parties committing suicide, it's funny. They're really relying on don Knots's
• 1:14:55
  abilities as a physical actor here, which he crushes it. If they don
• 1:15:00
  Knots pretending to be too full to eat is really great. Like they just
• 1:15:05
  let him, They just give him adequate conditions to have fun. Um.
• 1:15:13
  There's no I mean, all right, we could get into some do we
• 1:15:16
  do we want to get into the cop bullshit of it all of like is
• 1:15:20
  this uh uh is this thing? No, I don't I don't give a
• 1:15:26
  shit about that. I don't care. I don't care. This is like
• 1:15:28
  this is like it's like the least bad cop thing they've ever done. Uh
• 1:15:32
  yeah, if if if anything, if anything, uh, this show is
• 1:15:38
  or this episode is a massive step forward for the Andy Griffith Show because it
• 1:15:42
  shows that there is some oversight somewhere over the police department, and the idea
• 1:15:46
  is that someone has introduced the idea that maybe we should have some standard for
• 1:15:50
  cops. If anything, this is like by this standards for the first five
• 1:15:55
  years we've done here, like a fucking let massive leap forward. Five score.
• 1:16:00
  I'm just getting I'm gonna do real quick. There should be physical requirements
• 1:16:05
  for police officers if we do have police officers that they can resolve situations without
• 1:16:10
  shooting somebody. Um yeah. But also also also like when we find this
• 1:16:15
  together, we were like, oh, this is definitely I mean, this
• 1:16:16
  is clearly pre Ada because like you can't really have oh yeah, huge ad
• 1:16:20
  a violation. Yeah, five score h zero one because cop yeah. Sure,
• 1:16:28
  one because cop yeah. Default also to Vietnam War. Um right,
• 1:16:32
  I always remember the Vietnam War is happening, so we have to vietn War
• 1:16:35
  is happening. So it's a two y one because cop one because Vietnam War.
• 1:16:40
  But but in all, honestly like nothing like and and for like and
• 1:16:44
  for Andy Meter. On this episode nine ten maybe is this the ten fucking
• 1:16:49
  you know what, I'm gonna give it a ten? Head out the cake,
• 1:16:54
  Let's do a ten. I'm gonna withhold and do a nine, just
• 1:16:58
  because I feel like they could have done on the weight wall a little better.
• 1:17:00
  The hiccup thing didn't work for me. But um yeah, so I'm
• 1:17:04
  gonna say nine like this is good, solid all around. Enjoyed it,
• 1:17:09
  enjoyed it. Rating for the other episode, which we skipped, um okay,
• 1:17:14
  Andy Meter, Andy Meter, I didn't enjoy this. It's it's a
• 1:17:18
  boring episode. It's a straight up boring episode until like that one last less
• 1:17:24
  I'm gonna do three. The jokes that the scenes that were like working comedically,
• 1:17:31
  we're we're also the ones that were the most gross, So it did.
• 1:17:38
  I didn't really get to enjoy them. Like the don knots reading poetry
• 1:17:43
  to Opie who is then reading it to Helen Crump would have been really funny
• 1:17:46
  if it wasn't really if I wasn't really uncomfortable the entire time. So and
• 1:17:53
  other than that, like dramatically, Andy as a character and an actor is
• 1:17:58
  just so neutral and nothing boring that it just disarms the entire thing. There's
• 1:18:05
  a clear line between episode one and episode two where Andy Griffith seems to actually
• 1:18:13
  give a shit yes about the episode that he's in. So I'm gonna put
• 1:18:16
  it like a fucking one yeah, yeah, Barney meter. What do you
• 1:18:23
  think I mean? Okay, the Barne meter is just about the psychic damage,
• 1:18:30
  right, and like how much of it is normalizing shit that shouldn't be
• 1:18:33
  normalized And normally we do that about cop shit, you know. I just
• 1:18:39
  I think the episode itself is I don't want to say harmless, but like
• 1:18:45
  the ultimate resolution is just like it's weird? Is that one weird line?
• 1:18:51
  But put into context with everything else? And maybe I'm being too harsh on
• 1:18:56
  the show because I'm bringing in, you know, fifty years of other shit
• 1:19:00
  that's happened since then, which I know is sort of our deal, but
• 1:19:03
  I don't want to do it too much. I'm still gonna say a four,
• 1:19:10
  because at its core, this is still a boy gets a crush on
• 1:19:14
  a teacher episode, which is not the worst thing in the world. You
• 1:19:17
  know, I'm gonna give it. I'm gonna put it at a seven.
• 1:19:21
  I feel like, well, all right, I feel like the episode poises
• 1:19:28
  the question of, um, hey, why shouldn't a young boy try to
• 1:19:32
  date an adult woman? And they this Andy Gravis Show episode basically like they
• 1:19:38
  get the white board out and they do a bunch of calculations and then they
• 1:19:42
  look back like, we don't have anything. We gotta get out of this
• 1:19:45
  on a technicality. Um, so his dad's already dating her. Um,
• 1:19:50
  we're gonna come back to it. We're you know, we're we're all gonna
• 1:19:54
  get a get a good sleep tonight. And I think we're going to u
• 1:20:00
  We're we're gonna try to come up with some sort of defense for age of
• 1:20:03
  consent laws. They Andy responds to age of consent laws like Jim Harbaugh explaining
• 1:20:11
  why the Ravens lost, like he's just like, you know, whatever,
• 1:20:17
  we uh, we did what we could out there. Things don't grow your
• 1:20:19
  way. No, we're just gonna come back next season. Looking forward to
• 1:20:25
  that. Just all right, No more of the questions. Yeah, like
• 1:20:28
  it basically like yeah, like Opie like walks up to the writers of the
• 1:20:32
  Andy Griffinstown was like should adults date children? And they're like, you know
• 1:20:36
  what, we have a lot of conversations amongst ourselves about that subject, and
• 1:20:41
  uh, you know, we're deadlocked on it, So get out of here.
• 1:20:48
  We'll let you know when we figure something out. Um, so I'm
• 1:20:53
  gonna put it out of seven all right, all right, that's fair,
• 1:20:57
  all right. Yeah, it's nice to be back in Mayberry. As always.
• 1:21:00
  You can find us on the internet on different places. Please leave a
• 1:21:04
  rating and review, just like Big in sixty nine. Uh no, not
• 1:21:08
  just like him, nicer than him. Please be nicer to us. Please.
• 1:21:13
  We don't enforce this rule enough. Please be nice to us. So
• 1:21:17
  we're both very sensitive people on the internet. As long as Twitter exists,
• 1:21:24
  we're at break Mayberry. I'm still at schneid remarks for however long that is.
• 1:21:30
  Uh, Patreon dot com slash breaking maybe if you want to support us
• 1:21:32
  with your money dollars and um Facebook group is breaking Mayberry fans. We've had
• 1:21:40
  some people who I think our actual Mayberry fans try to join the group lately
• 1:21:44
  and I've rejected them. Um good, So that's it for us. We're
• 1:21:48
  back in Welcome back to Mayberry folks. I'll see you all down at the
• 1:21:53
  fishing hole. Boo bum bum bum dumb. Don't put bat people, but
• 1:22:26
  it was from bo